DH recap: The Thing That Counts is What's Inside

Season Seven, Episode Four: "The Thing That Counts is What's Inside"

Mary Alice wastes no time jumping into things this week. We barely get an establishing shot of Carlos and Gaby walking in the park when she tells us that "Carlos Solis loved his wife more than anything." Cue flashbacks: first Gaby is bragging about how amazing her skin is ("Even though she was vain"), next she's complaining about having to give money to the church ("selfish"), and finally Gaby throws a tantrum, complete with foot stomp, about Carlos buying her the wrong dress ("and spoiled"). Back to the Solises walking through the park. "But in those moments when his wife was simply vulnerable, Carlos loved her just a little bit more." Well, yeah, I don't know why he wouldn't love her more in those moments; I'm sure every husband on the street feels the same way about his wife.

It turns out that the reason Gaby is so sensitive is because they're about to meet the family of their biodaughter for the first time. Gaby is worried about what to say to the other family, but Carlos tells her that it will be fine. Well, that's a far cry from the Carlos of last week. Suddenly they're interrupted by a man who comes up and introduces himself as Hector Sanchez. After pleasantries are exchanged, Hector asks where Juanita is (she's over at the swings with Celia), and then mentions that his own daughter, Grace, is with her mother. "That's her name? Grace?" asks Gaby, melting my heart. The group begins to walk across the park.

Gaby asks how Hector and his wife have been handling the situation. "We're still in shock. Since your lawyer called us, we haven't been able to sleep or eat. This whole thing is so crazy," says Hector. You're telling me, bud. Carlos also agrees. Then Hector goes on to say, "They couldn't have switched our babies. It's got to be a mistake. Maybe we should take a blood test." Carlos' eyes drift across the way to a picnic table where a little girl shouts at her mom about packing the wrong colored jacket, getting so mad that she stamps her foot. Carlos instantly says that they won't need the blood test. Backing this up, Mary Alice comes back in: "Yes, Carlos Solis loved his wife. And he knew her DNA when he saw it."

Wee little credits.

"It's called a purse," says Mary Alice as the camera backs away from a close-up on a purse. "And as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything. From a personalized cell phone to a romance novel to much needed medication. Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of: every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not." Each of these examples is, you might have guessed, backed up by a visual aid, but as they're all strangers, none of them really matter until we get to the last one: Gaby. She pulls out lipstick and starts applying it as Mrs. Sanchez glares at her. "Carlos and I feel like we shouldn't tell the girls," says Gaby, and Hector agrees that they need to protect their daughters. However, the Solises also think that since both families want to get to know their biodaughters, maybe they should get together once a month. "That sounds reasonable," says Hector, asking for his wife's opinion (her name, by the way, is apparently Carmen). She agrees with a less than convincing, "I guess."

Ignoring the obvious angry vibe Carmen is giving off, Carlos directs the group's attention to the girls; all three of them are playing ball. Hector generously says that he's sure they'll all become very good friends (which I think it more wishful thinking than anything else at this point), and they all reminisce about how much their biodaughters look like various family members. At this point, Grace runs up to the table. Now, it seems obvious to mention here that Grace is a tiny little thing while her parents are a little rounder. To me, it seems like they're trying to play up some kind of "obvious" physical difference between the families, but it really just makes Celia seem all the more out of place. Juanita and Celia look more alike than Grace and Celia do (and not just because of the weight difference). Plus what are the writers trying to say: that weight is genetic? Because again, then, explain Celia. I mean, I'm not saying that chubby parents can't have skinny kids and vice versa, but they seem to be making a distinct point here that doesn't sit right because of Celia. This whole episode plays up a kind of nature versus nurture argument here, but it all becomes moot in light of the Solises' younger daughter. Basically, Celia throws a big curve ball into the believability of this plot. Not to mention that I think a lot of Gaby's defining qualities are learned, not inherited (the selfishness, greediness, and sense of entitlement, for instance).

Anyway, Grace wants to know if she can have some money for the ice cream truck. Carmen says no, so Gaby sticks her foot in it by offering to treat Grace to the ice cream. While Hector and Carmen exchange "can you believe this woman?" looks, Grace mentions that she likes Gaby's purse, so Gaby lets her hold it. "I bet it costs a lot, right?" asks Grace, and she's chastised by her mother for bringing up money. The little cutie apologizes, but Gaby glosses over that and starts waxing poetic about the purse. "You can have one by working very hard," she tells Grace. "Or by marrying a man who works very hard." HA! Even Carlos gets a look over that comment.

After Grace runs off with the money, Carlos compliments the Sanchezes on raising such a polite little girl. "I can see that Grace couldn't have had a better mother," he says, earning a scowl from Gaby. Hector returns the compliment, and as Gaby starts to babble on about how great of a mom she is, Juanita storms up and starts screaming for Gaby's attention. Now, again, a learned behavior. I don't know, this whole thing just seems rather wishy washy to me. Although maybe it would be in real life too, who knows.

Juanita wants money for ice cream. "What is the magic word?" snaps Gaby. Juanita: "I don't know? Hurry?" HA! God, I love Juanita. Under her breath, Gaby mutters that the magic word is please while she digs for her money. "Fine. Please," says Juanita, complete with an eye roll. Gaby slaps the money into her hand, and Juanita complains about needing more than one scoop. When all she earns is a glare in response, she stalks off with a loud sigh. "I'm sorry, what was I saying?" asks Gaby, turning her attention back to the Sanchezes. "You were talking about what a good mother you are," says Carmen smugly. Gaby's smile becomes a little more forced.

As you might recall, this week's theme is purses, so we transition to a shot of Susan's sitting on the kitchen counter. She reaches inside for a book of matches (which seems like a really odd thing for her to keep in her purse), and then she and Mike light the papers for his car loan on fire. Yes, dumb and dumber have somehow already paid off that debt. "If we keep this up we could reach flat broke in time for Christmas," jokes Susan lamely. I shouldn't complain; at least she has clothes on in this scene. They're interrupted by a knock at the door; it's Maxine.

Susan calls that the door is open, and Maxine comes in and starts to flirt with Mike ("If I was fifteen years younger, I'd ride you like a hobo rides a boxcar."). Mike laughingly thanks her, but says she still has to fix the air conditioner. Then he goes to take a shower. They really haven't given James Denton much to do yet this season, have they?

"I need to talk some business with you," says Maxine as soon as Mike is out of the room. Susan starts to talk about her plans for her next show, but Maxine throws her for a loop by telling her that she should quit. THANK GOD! "The website's going through some changes," says Maxine, explaining that she brought in some partners who are investing a lot of cash and want a huge US presence. Susan freaks out, saying that Maxine promised no one would ever see her (apparently Susan doesn't know how the internet works), and that she still needs the money. "Honey, I'm sorry," says Maxine. She tells Susan she has a couple of weeks to a month before all of this happens, and Susan agrees to work up until the end. "I'm gonna miss you, honey," says Maxine as she heads out the door. "No one will ever wear the rubber gloves and fishnets like you do."

Lynette's purse is flung on the kitchen table over the wailing cries of baby Paige (and oh my gosh, is that little stinker cute!! I love babies!). "Okay, we get it. You're unhappy. We got it in every aisle at the market, we got it four times during the night, and we get it now," Lynette whines, but just as Penny prompts Lynette to put the groceries away, Paige shuts up. Lynette shushes the older child, and her voice drops to a whisper as she tells Penny just to let the ice cream melt. With perfect timing, the phone begins to ring and Lynette runs across the room to grab it. It's the grocery store, calling to tell her that she left her license there. After she hangs up, Lynette complains to Penny that she's going to have to drag Paige back to the store and the crying will start all over again. "If I didn't look so good in that photo, I'd get a new one," she jokes. Hahaha. Penny says that Lynette should leave the baby with her, but Lynette isn't so sure. "Mom, you leave her with the boys. And they don't change her diaper until it weighs as much as she does." Hehehe.

Cut to a little while later. Lynette runs into the house, and it's clear she's been on edge from the moment she left. Everything is fine, though. Penny and the baby are on the floor, and Paige is still asleep. The baby is SO cute. I can't get over it. Penny reports that the baby woke up for a little while, but after Penny changed her diaper, she fell back to sleep. "Aw, you changed her diaper. Where'd you learn how to do that?" asks Lynette, crouching down to check on the baby. Penny reminds Lynette that she's seen her do it a hundred times. Lynette looks at Penny, clearly proud and impressed, and says, "You're so good with her." Then inspiration strikes. She asks Penny if she minds watching Paige for a little longer while she takes a shower; Penny generously ups the offer by telling Lynette to take a bath. New Penny is a suck up. "Whoever raised you did a brilliant job," says Lynette, blowing her daughter a kiss and running for the stairs. Hehe.

Whackadoodle Beth pulls an empty bottle of aspirin out of her purse, complaining about how there's none left. "Do you have a headache?" asks Paul. Nope; she has a back ache. Paul quickly points out that her back wouldn't hurt so much if she wasn't sleeping on the couch, but Beth nips this theory in the bud but quick.

Suddenly, Lee bursts in and announces that Paul is the proud new owner of his old house. HA! I love Lee. Beth stands up with a scandalized, "You bought your old house?!" and Paul calmly tells Lee they'll talk later. "Okay," says Lee, confused. "Well, here are your keys, your complimentary endangered species calendar, and a kitchen magnet with my face on it. Yes, I know I look cross-eyed, but they assured me they will correct that on the next batch. Enjoy!" And Lee awkwardly backs out of the house. Where can I buy a Lee magnet? Because I will totally splurge on one.

"Why would you buy that house? Our lease won't be up for a year," demands Beth. Paul says that it seems like a good investment, but Beth wants to know specifically why that house. Mr. Young doesn't want to discuss it, especially with a woman who thinks of herself as his wife during the day, but a house guest at night. Ooh snap! That's one point for Paul.

Bree's purse is beige. Is anyone surprised by that? It's still cute, though. She has it on her wrist as she locks up the house and steps toward Keith, who is painting her shutters. Bree wants to know what his plans for their date on Friday are. Keith says he can't tell her yet, but he's working on something he's pretty stoked about. "Well that sounds lovely," says Bree. "I too am stoked." HAHA! Dragging Bree out of her comfort zone is a fun time for everyone. She rubs some paint off of his cheek, and the camera pulls back to across the street, where Renee watches them from Lynette's porch.

"What are you doing?" asks Lynette, coming outside and towel drying her hair. Nice nod to continuity there, show. She accuses Renee of spying on Bree again (does Renee just stand on her porch all day to do this? Weird), and Renee doesn't deny it, simply saying that she doesn't understand why Keith would go for someone as old as Bree. Lynette says they're the same age (which I find a little odd, because for some reason I was under the impression that Bree was the oldest of the group by a couple of years, although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure why I thought that. Maybe because her kids are so much older? Does it matter? No.). Anyway, Renee tries and fails to argue that she's thirty, and Lynette adds that Bree has always looked young. "When she used to go out with her grandkid, people would think he was her son." Well that's a generous explanation. I'm sure the fact that Bree faked the pregnancy and told everyone that he was her son also helped. Even without this extra information, Renee is intrigued.

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Penny is doing her homework when Lynette announces that she's running over to Gaby's for a minute to say hi to the girls. She's not going to stay for poker since the baby threw up on Gaby's couch last week and is no longer welcome. Hehe. "Why don't you just leave her with me?" asks Penny. Lynette isn't so sure, as this would be for a couple of hours, but Penny points out that she'll be "right next door." Well, down the street, but way to drive home your point, kiddo. "Oh don't toy with me," says Lynette, obviously considering the offer. "I'm operating on two hours of sleep. I'm vulnerable." Penny rolls her eyes and tells her to go, even offering that she loves spending time with her little sis. "Oh, Penny Lyn Scavo," says Lynette, handing over the baby and dropping her bag (Lynette, you forgot your theme!), "you are officially my favorite." As she heads out the door, she tells Penny that they're going to leave everything to her in the will. "Keep in mind we're poor, so it's really more of a symbolic gesture."

Over at poker, Gaby has decided to tell the girls about the baby switch because they're her dearest and oldest friends (by the way, Susan is not there; Renee is, though Gaby is quick to mention that she's not a friend, she just doesn't want to be rude and kick her out). She holds out a picture of Grace and tells everyone that this is her daughter. Confused looks abound.

Cut to later; Gaby has explained everything and Bree and Lynette are stunned. Neither of them can imagine going through what Gaby is. Gaby says that it was awful at first, but since they've met Grace, things have been better. "Thank God the parents are lovely," she adds. Lynette asks who else knows, and Gaby says not many people, so she asks them to keep it on the DL. Good thing she didn't tell Susan. Ah, I'm kidding. Susan did manage to keep Lynette's pregnancy a secret for the better part of last year, after all. Bree and Lynette agree, and then all three girls turn to stare at Renee. "Oh, don't worry about me," she says. "Up until today, I thought you were Juanita." Ha.

Bree asks Gaby to tell them what it was like to see Grace. Gaby starts off sweetly enough, saying that she immediately felt a pull toward Grace (Bree: "Well of course, you carried her for nine months"), and then this amazing thing happened: Grace touched her purse and knew it was expensive. "Now that is a Hallmark moment," snarks Lynette. "You don't understand," says Gaby. "When I was a kid, I used to sneak Vogues out of my aunt's hair salon and make my own high fashion paper dolls. I know what it's like to be that kid with her face pressed against the department store window. Grace is me at her age. So I decided to do something for her." This whole time, Bree and Lynette have been staring at Gaby with these sweet, compassionate looks on their faces. But when Gaby whips out a little Chanel bag, those looks change to astonishment. Renee, on the other hand, cries, "You are the best mother ever!" Hahaha. Awesome.

Beth is in her closet, picking out a shirt when she turns and notices that the lights are on over at the old Young place. So she heads across the street to investigate. Inside, Paul stands in the living room, tears in his eyes, and doesn't turn around when Beth comes inside. "I just want to understand, that's all," says Beth. "Are we going to move here?" Paul says no. "Then why would you buy this house?" she asks desperately. "It must be filled with so many unpleasant memories."

"I don't see any unpleasant memories," says Paul, which sure is a change from the first two seasons, when he was desperate to sell the place and get the hell out of Dodge. Sorry, I'm interrupting the nostalgia: "I see the couch where my wife and I would sit and have our morning coffee. I see the Christmas tree in the corner by the fireplace. I see the chair where I would sit and read stories to my son. I was loved in this house. I had a real marriage here." He turns to face Beth with a pointed look. Sadly, she tries to explain how hard this is for her, and how Paul keeping secrets from her doesn't help. Slowly, Paul crosses the room and takes her hand. "You're right," he agrees. "There should be no secrets between us. Secrets are why this house is empty right now." Wow. Really sad scene. I've always felt really bad for Paul. I mean, I think it's been obvious from the start how much he loved Mary Alice. That's why he killed Martha, after all. I wonder if we'll ever get to see him reunite with Zach.

Next door, Bree opens her door to find Keith on the other side. He's super excited to announce that he has tickets to see the Black Eyed Peas. "Wow. That's just...Wow," says Bree. Hehehe. Keith is surprised by how underwhelmed she is, but Bree lies that she lives to rock. The doorbell rings. "You know, I'm not as old as you might think." She answers the door to find Danielle and Benjamin on the other side, the latter of whom immediately yells, "Grandma!" and wraps Bree in a big hug. Aw. "Surprise!" shouts Danielle, giving Bree an oddly warm hug. Bree asks what they're doing there, and Danielle explains that they're there for the weekend. Suddenly she notices Keith, and awkward introductions are made.

Benjamin, the only one not picking up on the tension, presents Bree with a present: slippers for her poor circulation. Hehehe. He also calls her "grandma" about ten times, prompting Bree to snap, "Please stop calling me that, you...precious child." Keith says that Bree should spend the night with her family since they came all that way. In an oddly polite move, Danielle says they should go if they had plans, but Keith says there's nothing more important than family. Yeah, especially seeing the grandson who was ripped from your home and you rarely see, right Bree? Blessedly, Keith leaves.

"I guess I heard wrong," says Danielle. "You seem to be bouncing back just fine." Bree, understandably, is confused because all normal people recover from their divorces in .5 seconds, so Danielle clarifies: "When your friend called, she said you were having a hard time since Orson left." Bree realizes the friend was Renee, which Danielle confirms, happily mentioning that Renee sent them first class tickets. "I wish I had a friend like that," she chirps. "Oh trust me," says Bree, "you don't." Let's all thank Joy Lauren for hauling her butt in for this ONE SCENE. I was so disappointed. I love Danielle and she is so underused.

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Oh darn. Here's Susan. But, once again, she actually has clothes on, so I really shouldn't complain. In fact, she's driving down the street when she notices a billboard going up for the website and grabs her cell phone to call Maxine. She's just bitching about the fact that this is going public faster than she thought, when suddenly she screams, "Oh my God!" and we cut back to the billboard just in time to see them hauling a picture of Susan's face up to complete the picture. She drives over, honking, and then jumps out of the car, screaming that they can't put up that picture. The worker couldn't care less. Desperate, Susan rushes over and actually jumps up, grabbing the paper. She's slowly lifted from the ground, but when the picture inevitably rips and she drops back to earth, it's unfortunately not a far enough drop to hurt her.

Back on the Lane, Karen is out on her porch drinking a beer when Paul walks up. "What do you want?" she barks. Paul wants to know if she'd be interested in selling her house. AH HA! I knew his evil plan had something to do with real estate acquisitions! Maybe he'll blow up the whole street like the folks on Little House on the Prairie did to Walnut Grove. Anyway, Karen's answer is no, but Paul continues to wax poetic about how she should sell the house to someone who will care for it. You know, before she has a stroke and has to sell it to people who will take advantage of a sick old lady. Isn't Karen married? What happened to Roy? Not that she needs a man to stick up for her because she orders Paul off the porch with no problem. "Alright, didn't mean to upset you," says Paul. "My offer still stands. As I said, it all comes from my great love for this beautiful neighborhood." Hehehe.

Apparently it's no boys allowed week at the Scavos', because Penny, Lynette and Paige are still alone together in that house. Paige is crying again, and this time Lynette doesn't hesitate to dump her off on Penny so she can take a jog. "Mom, I've got a test today. I cannot be late for the bus," says Penny, bouncing the baby. Lynette says that she understands and she'll be back in twenty.

Cut to Lynette running down the street only to be accosted by Bree who, my sister pointed out, looks hot in her jeans. Yes, that's right: Bree is wearing jeans. Record this moment. She needs to talk to Lynette, though she's surprised to see that Lynette is out again without the baby. "Penny is watching her," pants Lynette. "It is the most amazing thing. Only when you've spawned as much as I have do you learn the glorious truth: the older ones can watch the younger ones. Babies having babies: bad. Babies raising babies: genius!" Bree, deadpan: "I'm happy for you." HA! Brilliant delivery there. Lynette points out that she doesn't look happy, and Bree says that's why they need to talk. She takes Lynette by the elbow and drags her toward her house.

Inside, Bree has just finished telling Lynette about Renee's evil plot. Lynette isn't surprised; she says it's vintage Renee. Bree adds that they're going out to dinner too (apparently Keith called and asked for permission), so Lynette tells her that she needs to fight back. Of course, Bree already knows this; she called Lynette over for advice. "Oh, she once slept with a rodeo clown," says Lynette. "But he's a senator now. Oh, she's got this really weird bellybutton, but by the time he finds that out they're already getting it on. Uh, she used to freak out whenever The Wizard of Oz was on TV. I think it was the munchkins. There's something about little people that gives her the heebie jeebies." Hehehe. Suddenly, Lynette notices the time, and she flies out of the house, apologizing for not being able to help. Bree takes a devious bite of a cookie.

Back home, Lynette finds a note from Penny saying that she went to school, so she rushes upstairs, but finds the baby's crib empty. Oh, and let me add now that the crib is in her bedroom. Just an FYI. Panicked, she wonders where Paige is. Cut to the school bus, where Penny is holding the baby while on her way to school. All of the other kids are gaping at the baby. "Stop breathing on my sister!" she snaps. Awesome. Also, no school uniform? Did they switch her to public school this season? And where was Parker during all of this? He's still in high school. And Tom? Is he suddenly making up for all of those erratic work hours? For a house so full of people, no one ever seems to be around.

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Lynette bursts into the school and tells the secretary that she's looking for her daughter, Penny Scavo. The secretary directs her to the principal's office, and during the walk there, Lynette gets glares from all of the staff as well as a young boy waiting for the principal. Well this won't end well. Lynette doesn't handle judgment of her parenting skills with any kind of grace.

A few minutes later, Lynette holds Paige while the principal lectures her about leaving the baby in Penny's care. Oh how I wish that Penny was still in private school and that this was the same principal that Lynette tricked into taking on her twins so many years ago. This would be a great time for a callback to that, and I can only imagine the hilarity that would result from that poor man realizing he'd have to take on another Scavo in five years. Remember when Parker was attacking his teacher with an umbrella? Good times. But we're stuck with stuffy Principal Harris.

Lynette tries to ease the tension with a joke, but the principal isn't having it. "Come on. Give me a break," implores Lynette. "I am raising five kids. You have no idea how hard that is." Principal Harris turns around a picture of herself and her eight kids for Lynette's viewing pleasure. Then she goes on to say that Penny is helping Lynette out more than she realizes. "Do you know Penny takes the baby monitor to bed with her so she can get up for the feedings?" Lynette is astonished, as am I. Does this show really expect me to believe that Penny hears the baby crying through a monitor and attends to her before Lynette and Tom wakes up in their OWN BEDROOM to deal with the kid? Sorry, show, I don't buy it. Especially when you just established at the beginning of the episode that Lynette was exhausted from being up all night with the baby. Sheesh.

Anyway, Principal Harris goes on to mention that Penny is exhausted; she even fell asleep during social studies yesterday. "I had no idea," says Lynette wearily. "Oh my gosh. Yes, I will talk to Penny when she gets home. And I will fix this." The principal condescendingly says that would be nice, and Lynette goes off. "Okay," she says in that annoyed tone of hers. "You know what? Enough with the judgmental tone. Come on, who among us is a perfect mother?" Principal Sourpuss turns around a World's Best Mother mug. Well, if I've learned anything from Michael Scott it's that it's not hard to buy one of those for yourself. Still, Lynette looks abashed. She must really be exhausted.

Gaby knocks on the door of the Sanchez home, but Carmen isn't thrilled to see her, reminding Gaby that they said they would call first if they wanted to see the kids. Gaby lies that she was in the neighborhood and asks if Grace is home. Gee, Gaby, you think she might be in school? Like your kids are. Carmen says that Grace isn't there, so Gaby asks if Carmen could give her the purse. "Thank you," says Carmen shortly, "but Grace already has a purse." Gaby wants to know if it's Chanel. Oh Gaby, shut up. Carmen says it's a two dollar purse from a flea market, but Grace is very happy with it. Raise your hand if you're surprised that Gaby thinks Grace will like hers better. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Carmen launches into a rant about how she would like to buy her kids nice things, but that their family isn't like the Solises. "We can't afford luxuries. We can barely afford the necessities." Not getting the point, Gaby offers to help out if they need it, but Carmen tells her that all that they need is for Gaby to let them be who they are. Then she tells Gaby to call next time and slams the door in her face. Ouch. This is hard to watch. I mean, I do get where Gaby is coming from. She grew up poor and for her it's the worst thing in the world; it must kill her to see her daughter in that environment (although, really, this house is pretty nice; just not as grand as the Solis home). That doesn't give her the right to intrude, though.

Oh God. Susan is hyperventilating. "You said I had a month," she wheezes at Maxine, who reminds her that she said it was happening ASAP. Susan wants to know how many billboards there are, and Maxine tells her probably a lot. Ha. Still panicking, Susan demands that Maxine call them and get them to take the billboard down, or at least put another girl on them. I wonder what the law says about this. I mean, does that company really own Susan's image? Did she sign a contract or something? Maxine says there's nothing she can do, but Susan completely loses it, actually sinking down to the floor as she sobs that Mike will recognize her panties. "He gave them to me on our anniversary," she whimpers. Jesus, Susan, for once in your life, pull it together. You're a mess. It seems to work on Maxine, though; she offers to make a call.

Back at the Scavos', Penny arrives home from school to find Lynette waiting for her. She looks guilty, obviously thinking she's in trouble, and she apologizes for taking the baby to school. That line made me laugh really hard even though it wasn't supposed to be funny. It just sounds so absurd. "Hey sweetie," calls Lynette as Penny starts up the stairs. "You didn't do anything wrong. I did." Lynette sits down on the stairs and Penny joins her and here, finally looking at the two of them side by side, I have to say that Darcy Rose Byrnes looks less like Felicity Huffman than Kendall Applegate did. I really wish they'd given some kind of explanation for this casting switch. I was hoping they were going to age Penny a couple of years, but they've been insisting all through this episode that she's still eleven, so I guess not. And I'm not finding Byrnes to be a better actress than Applegate, so I wonder why they switched her out. Mysteries, mysteries.

Lynette tells Penny that she knows about the baby monitor snatching that makes no sense. Penny says that she's been doing it so Lynette can sleep, and Lynette heaves a big sigh. "I appreciate that," she says. "And I appreciate how often you have been looking after your little sister." "Well I know how you like to go see your friends and go jogging and stuff," says Penny as Lynette fights back tears. This scene, much like the one with Paul, unexpectedly killed me this week. There's just something so heartbreaking here about Lynette realizing she's going to have to give up what she loves for the good of her kids. Anyway, Penny continues, "And you're different when you get to do those things. You laugh more, you're not as cranky, you stay up late and play board games with us. I like that Mommy better." Lynette pulls Penny toward her, cuddling her a little, and agrees. "But it's not your job to take care of me," she says, and at this point, Tom appears in the doorway, watching but not interrupting. "Your job is to watch television and eat way too much candy. And my job is to make sure that's all your job is." She kisses Penny's forehead, and Penny scampers upstairs.

Tom walks up behind Lynette, laying his hands on her hips, kissing her neck, and telling her how sweet she is. "Get me a nanny," says Lynette calmly. "I am drowning here. You heard what Penny said; I'm not myself anymore. And when I'm not taking it out on the kids, I'm taking advantage of them. So I need help." Tom looks quite taken aback by this declaration, so he offers to help her. Lynette smiles at him gratefully, but tells him that he'll never back it up. "Get me a nanny," she demands. My sister argued here that Lynette raised the first four on her own (not even mentioning that she was REALLY on her own since Tom was traveling all the time), so why would she suddenly need a nanny just for one baby? My answer: this is all a giant set up for the arrival of Tom's mother. And as much as I'm looking forward to that, I have to agree that this is a little contrived. But that's mostly because the last time they played up Lynette needing a nanny, it was much more overwhelming. This seems tame in comparison.

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"You bought an eight-year-old girl a fourteen hundred dollar purse?" demands Carlos as he and Gaby get ready for bed. Has she ever bought Juanita or Celia anything like that, is what I want to know. Gaby tries to justify the purchase, even going so far to say that Carmen reacted irrationally: "Because God forbid that woman let her daughter have nice things." Carlos: "That woman is her mother! And I'm with her on this. You have no right to give Grace expensive things." Gaby says that she does because their life is the one Grace was supposed to have. Does that mean they should stop showering Juanita with the benefits of riches? Besides, Grace would have been poor the first five years of her life anyway. Remember, Gaby?

"This is why I didn't want us to look for her," growls Carlos. "Because we had no idea what would happen once we found her. But you looked, and we met her, and now we're falling in love with this girl. And if you spook these people, they can take her away from us. Forever." Man, Carlos is winning arguments left and right these days, isn't he?

The next morning, Beth is outside fetching the morning paper when Karen walks by. Despite Beth's cheerful greeting, Karen is all vinegar in return. She goes on a rant about how she just had a physical and she'll be around for years. "So you can tell that vulture husband of yours that he'll have to pick at someone else's carcass." Understandably, Beth has no clue what's going on, but Karen gladly informs her.

Later, inside the house, Beth is going to town on some peppers when Paul comes into the kitchen. She casually questions him, asking if he talked to anyone or if anything interesting happened. Paul: "Who would talk to me?" Beth scowls at the lies (although technically that whole scene with Paul and Karen happened the day before. But let's be honest here, the DH Time Gods are never on the side of continuity). Beth knifes the shit out of those peppers. Grrr. You take out your rage, girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Renee is out on her dinner date with Keith. She's trying to ply him with sea urchin, but Keith just keeps making dorky, stupid jokes that Renee pretends are funny. Suddenly a shadow runs by; Renee is bothered, but continues on with her flirting. Keith continues to be a low class fool. Another shadow runs by. "Okay, did you see that?" asks Renee, close to freaking out. She sees a child and screams. By now, even Keith has noticed that something is up. Slowly, Renee begins to explain that she had a traumatic experience at the circus as a child, but before she can finish the story, a little person comes over and asks if he knows her. Renee shrieks, jumps up, and literally tries climbing the walls to get away. "Is he there with his tiny hands?! I can't look at his tiny hands!!!!" She throws a coat on the man, which Keith promptly removes, apologizing. He shouldn't; this is the funniest scene since Bree's lap dance last year. The little person leaves, and Renee climbs down.

In a private room, the little person approaches Bree and tells her that she should have seen Renee's face. Bree heard the screaming, though, and that was enough for her. She thanks him, and he says he'll see her in church. Amazing.

From the hilarious to the somber, we join Susan as she bitches to Maxine about having to pay $9000 in order for them to take down the billboards. Apparently the "partners" agreed to take them down as long as Susan footed the bill. Susan is, of course, upset. If she gives up that money, she and Mike will be back to square one. So, wait? Nine thousand bucks and she and Mike are already climbing out of the hole? How bad could it have been then? That's chump change compared to my student loans. Whatever. Maxine points out that Susan will also have to explain where the money went. I don't trust Maxine. I think she has ulterior motives to keep Susan trapped in indentured servitude until all of our eyeballs fall out.

Susan says that maybe she should just let them put up the billboards and be done with it, but Maxine says there's another way. "You could earn that money back, and fast too." She tells Susan that Va-Va-Va-Broom offers other services too, and that if Susan is willing to go the extra mile, she could earn a lot of cash quickly. Apparently these other services are private, one-on-one interactions of a racier nature. We don't get the details, but Susan is obviously considering it. Ew.

In a creepily lit alley, we see a mysterious man's feet approach a dumpster. He finds the crumpled poster of Susan's face, picks it up, and leaves with it. Great. Susan has a stalker. Just what this plot needed.

Commercials.

The next day, Renee comes over to yell at Bree about exploiting her terror of little people. Hehehe. She threatens to tell Keith what Bree did, but Bree tells her that she'll tell on her too. Neener neener. Seriously, ladies, this guy is not that hot or interesting. You could both do better. Keith arrives, and Renee wants to ask him directly which of them he wants. A direct question? With no passive aggressive bullshit? I may die of a stroke. As Renee begins to ask, though, Bree circumvents the question by asking Keith about paint colors instead. Then she sends him off to fetch the paint.

"What's the matter, Bree? Afraid you'll lose?" asks Renee once Keith is gone. Defeated, Bree tells Renee that she can have Keith. "I don't get his references, I can't stay up late like he does...I'm being silly." Yes, yes you are. And you can do better, sweetie. Seriously, he is the most uninteresting man you've ever been with. Renee tells Bree that they both have the guts to go after what they want. She asks Bree if Keith will make her happy, and when Bree says yes, Renee sexes up her outfit a little and sends her out after Keith. Well that rivalry didn't last long.

Over at the Solises', Hector and Carlos are out on the porch drinking beers. "You know I think it's great that out of this unfortunate situation, we could all end up being friends," says Carlos; Hector agrees. Ah, male bonding. So simple. So naive. They're interrupted by Celia and Grace, who chase each other into the house. We follow them into the kitchen, where Carmen is teaching Juanita how to cook while Gaby watches. Grace comes up to Gaby to tell her how much she loves the house, so Gaby offers her a tour.

Up in the bedroom, Grace is astounded by all the cool stuff Gaby has, including a jewelry box. Gaby opens it to show Grace her jewelry, and when Grace picks up a necklace, Gaby offers it to her. "You deserve beautiful things," she says. Grace thinks her mom might get mad, but Gaby tells her they'll keep it a secret. Yeah, sure. Suddenly, Grace spots Gaby's purse and tells her she wants one like that someday and, yep, you guessed it, we're back to our theme.

"It's called a purse, and, as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything," says Mary Alice. Cut back to Lynette's bag, from which Penny pulls a baby bottle and hands it to her mother. "From a bottle for a baby..." Next we go to Susan, pulling out a check to give to Maxine. "...to a check for protection..." Bree pulls a present from her purse and hands it to Renee. "...to a gift for a new friend." Finally, we end with little Grace's purse, as she puts her new necklace inside. "Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of: every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not."

Well I liked that one a lot. Yes, there were a few glitches in the basic logic of most of these plotlines, but this episode was light and funny and didn't feature Susan in her underwear even once! That, Michael Scott would say, is a win-win-win! Overall: A-.

DH recap: Truly Content

Season Seven, Episode Three: "Truly Content"

Tom sits on his porch looking very glum but fetching in a daring paisley print tie. Never one to hesitate to state the obvious, Mary Alice says, "Tom Scavo was depressed, and his wife had done everything she could to cheer him up." The camera pulls back to reveal Lynette standing in the doorway looking gravely concerned. Whenever they do exterior shots into the Scavo house like this I'm always distracted by how the shot doesn't match their actual interior. But there's no time to be distracted because Mary Alice is already explaining the ways in which Lynette tried to cheer Tom up. She made his favorite meals, told her funniest jokes, and put on her sexiest lingerie. Each of these points is illustrated by a visual example while Tom just stares with that same mopey expression on his face. Clearly, none of it worked.

"Finally, Lynette insisted her husband go to the doctor," says Mary Alice as Lynette approaches Tom and hands him car keys and a business card. Tom doesn't look happy about this. Later, Tom arrives home and hands Lynette a prescription ("For trouble," Mary Alice informs us. She's so clever). As Tom heads up the stairs, Lynette is dismayed to see that the doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication. Tom says that the doctor told him it would help, but Lynette isn't convinced, seeing that the doctor only spent twenty minutes with him. "I need this medicine," Tom firmly insists, obviously forgetting who he's talking to. Lynette says that those medicines scare her (although I have seen them do wonders for people), but Tom tells her he has to do something. "I am so tired of feeling this way," he says pitiably. Depression is the worst.

Lynette tries to tell Tom that he's gone through rough patches before and pulled through just fine, but he's not having it. He tells her that she doesn't know what it's like inside of his head, turning to run up the stairs. Not giving up, Lynette bounds after him (so they're both standing on the landing which is a really unusual place for them to have a scene) and apologizes profusely. She does, however, have another suggestion: going to see a holistic doctor that Susan once saw. Tom is skeptical, but Lynette insists. "Whatever he says, I'll go with it," she says. Well, that spells certain doom like nothing I've ever heard. Tom just looks at her sadly and goes upstairs.

A day or two later, Lynette is putting the baby down for a nap when Tom comes home in a much more jovial mood. He saw the new doctor and loved him. Lynette is thrilled until she finds out that Dr. Feelgood prescribed medicinal marijuana for her husband. Cue the anvils of irony falling on her head. "Yes," says Mary Alice. "Tom Scavo had been battling depression. But he was now facing a much bigger battle with his wife."

Wee little credits.

"Happiness: it's something we all want," says Mary Alice as the camera pans down a positively hopping Wisteria Lane. "And so we search for it." Well that's profound. Over at the Solises', Celia (long time no see!) licks an ice cream cone. "Little girls find it in the taste of chocolate," our intrepid narrator continues. Meanwhile, Bob pulls out a snazzy new shirt and admires it. "Well-dressed men discover it at their local mall." Outside of the Scavos', Parker is chatting up some beautiful blonde girl. "Teenage boys experience it when talking to a pretty girl." We sum up this little expedition through the neighborhood with Susan, Lynette and Bree (muffin basket in hand), heading over to Paul's house. "And then there are housewives, who simply can't be happy until they've learned everything they can about the newest neighbor on the block." Oh Mary Alice, I do so love your generalizations.

Beth opens the door, positively beaming at the girls. I have to take a moment to question Lynette's shirt--it seriously looks like something she stole from Parker's closet. Very bizarre. Anyway, Bree lies that they're sorry to interrupt, but they wanted to welcome her to the neighborhood. She introduces Lynette and Susan, who Beth quickly realizes is her landlady. Susan is immediately sidetracked by the idea that Beth might have nailed pictures to the wall, but Bree forces her to remain on task by inviting Beth to their weekly poker game. Beth says she doesn't know how to play, but Susan tells her that they'll teach her (and then is promptly distracted by the possible ruin of her hardwood floors). This time, Lynette cuts her off, saying that while they're teaching Beth, they'll get to learn all about her. Cue Paul coming down the stairs behind Beth.

"Aw, that sounds fun!" says Beth as the girls notice Paul and get antsy. Bree calmly dismisses herself and the girls, Beth shuts the door, and Paul asks what the girls wanted. Beth explains, saying the girls were just being friendly. "On this street, never confuse being nosy with being friendly," he says. Word.

"Do you not want me to go?" asks Beth pitiably. Of course Paul wants her to go; he's going to use her as a spy (not that he tells her that in so many words). The most he tells her is that in time her friendship with them will be useful. Beth, understandably, is confused.

Over at Irresponsible Hospital, Jack pushes some legal papers toward Carlos and Gaby while cautioning them that they might want to read them first. "Why? Did a nurse get drunk and swap them with a different document?" snaps Carlos. Appropriately subdued, the hospital bigwig who is also there sums up that by signing it, Carlos and Gaby are waving their rights to bring legal action against the hospital. Carlos reminds him that by signing it, the hospital is agreeing to call off their search for the other family. Now that everyone is in agreement, Carlos jots his signature and shoves the papers toward Gaby. When she doesn't immediately jump at them, he says, "Babe, we talked about this. We don't know how this other family will react and we need to protect Juanita." Maybe you should just force her to sign like you did with that post-nup back in season one. Just reminding everyone now that Carlos can be one scary dude.

"Gabrielle, I can only imagine how you must feel," says Jack. Bad move, buddy. Gaby finally snaps to life, barking, "You can't begin to imagine how I feel! The only person who could is the woman who has my daughter." I can't even begin to describe the anguish and anger that Eva Longoria Parker puts into those lines; I have never heard Gaby speak so harshly. Finally, Gaby agrees to sign, if only to spare the other woman "this pain." And so she scribbles out her name.

Also upset: Bree. But for very different, less devastating reasons. Keith finished painting her dining room yellow; Bree doesn't love it, though she lies about that fact at first. "It's just so yellow," she protests. Keith tells her she'll grow to love it, especially as no one will even notice the color when she's in the room. Nice line, bud. Mercifully, the doorbell rings.

The second Bree opens the door, Renee snaps, "I hear you're getting divorced," and waltzes right into Bree's home. "I'm getting divorced too," Renee continues. "Since we both need guys, I'm thinking we should hang." Bree: "I don't know how much Lynette has told you about me, but I'm not really one for hanging." HA! Truer words were never spoken. Renee points out that one woman at a bar is sad; two is a girl's night out. Unsurprisingly, Bree isn't so sure, but Renee continues to insist, even telling Bree to let down her hair ("That hair does come down, doesn't it?"). Bree says that's not how she likes to meet men--another very true statement, although I doubt that she'll be doing another stint in the loony bin any time soon. Renee says that Bree can't expect to meet men just sitting around the house, but, with a sly look at Keith, Bree says that she'd be surprised. "You've met someone already?" asks Renee. Bree shrugs this off with a coy, "Maybe." "Well," huffs Renee, heading for the door, "a beautiful, classy woman who can get a man without leaving the house. I don't see us being friends." There are a lot of reasons I don't see you being friends, actually.

Ugh. Susan is once again doing her sexy housecleaning. Seriously, I don't know what the writers were smoking when they came up with this plot, but it is not endearing or funny. Ignoring my feelings, Susan simply vacuums off her apron and saucily jokes that she needs to sign off before she's completely naked. Then she presses her boobs right into the computer monitor and shuts off her webcam. Seconds later there's a knock at the door; it's Maxine, who is there with a bonus check for Susan. Yeah, turns out that Susan had the most hits that month. Uh-huh. Whatever. Maxine mentions (exposition alert!) that Susan ousted Stacy Strauss from the number one position, but Susan is too distracted by the money. She claims that she and Mike are finally starting to save a little cash. Good. Save up and move out of this dumbass plot. I'm over it. Maxine tells Susan to remember to treat herself, and then gleefully leaves after Susan mentions that she'll be mopping in bikini briefs the next day. Good grief.

Back at Bree's, she and Keith have moved outside and she's impressing him with a sandwich. Okay, really, where is Bree getting all the money for this (the remodel, not the sandwich)? As I recall, she didn't sell her business to Sam, she just handed it over. And Orson certainly doesn't have cash. In fact, she probably owes him alimony. So what gives? My questioning aside, Bree continues to blather about the sandwich and how depressing it is just to cook for one, but before she can work up the nerve to actually ask Keith out, his girlfriend pulls up and runs toward him.

"You have a girlfriend?" breathes Bree, clearly disheartened. "Of course you have a girlfriend who's young and pretty." Keith wonders what Bree was about to ask him, but she waves it off and heads down the street to where Renee is directing movers. "Let the stud hunt begin," she announces in that stoic Bree way of hers. Renee grins.

Commercials.

Gaby holds a bottle of wine, emotionally gazing at pictures of her and Juanita and breaking my heart all at once. It's amazing how there can be a plot this compelling and one as inane as Susan's all in one show. Bree walks up and beckons Gaby to come on, and Gaby distractedly follows her. Turns out that they're at poker, and Beth is in the middle of telling a strange story about her mom's revolving door of boyfriends while she grew up. "As soon as I'd learn their names, Mama would kick them out and there'd be a new toothbrush in the bathroom." Nice.

"So, Beth" says Gaby, "how did you and Paul meet anyway?" Prepare to board the crazy train. Beth says that she saw Paul's picture in the paper during the trial and his eyes spoke to her. Although the fact that he was a murderer gave her pause, she got to know him and realized the man he really was. "Hey, you can't help who you fall in love with, right?" she says. "Paul's a real lady killer." Heh. Beth goes on to say that she always knew that Paul was innocent. The ladies can't let this one lie; they give each other looks so pointed that even Beth picks up on it.

That night, Lynette is cooking dinner when Tom comes into the kitchen and starts pulling out all of the junk food they own. He's also wearing earphones and has sunglasses perched on his head. He mentions that he's preparing to take his medicine, claiming that increased appetite is a possible side effect. "I've never smoked pot before, so I wanna be prepared," he says. He's also planning to listen to Pink Floyd while he's high. It will surprise no one that Lynette doesn't think that Tom is taking this very seriously; in fact, she thinks he's living out some college fantasy. "The only reason I didn't smoke back then was because I signed the abstinence pledge with my Dungeons and Dragons club," he says. Was that a subset of the frat he was in?

Lynette has no words, simply turning back to the stove, but Tom decides to press his luck by asking if she wants to join him out behind the garage. "Come on, you need to take this seriously!" she says. Tom pretends that he is, but Lynette is skeptical. "How is it gonna look to the kids? I don't want them seeing their dad stoned." A valid point. And given Lynette's history with her own mother being high on marijuana, a pretty personal one as well. I honestly don't know how I feel about this plot. Tom's acting pretty casual for someone who kind of freaked out when his own wife was given marijuana for a (albeit unknowing) medicinal purpose. This seemed like something they were on the same page about back in season four.

Anyway, Tom says that the kids won't see him--that's what the sunglasses are for. Gathering his food, he leaves the room. Too bad for him, he forgot his meds and Lynette is his wife. It takes about five seconds for her to decide to dump the weed and swap it with oregano.

Meanwhile it's laundry night at the Delfinos'. They're in some communal laundry room discussing their anniversary, which is apparently that Saturday. Wow, the summer just flew by here on the Lane. Susan wants to go to someplace called Chez Naomi that Mike thinks is out of their price range. She says that they deserve a night out for working so hard, so he agrees, kisses her, and leaves her to her woman's work.

"So, Chez Naomi, huh?" says a redheaded woman who is also doing her laundry. "Expensive place." Awkwardly, Susan agrees and then introduces herself. Turns out that the redhead is Stacy Strauss. Surprise! Susan makes some awkward small talk about how they both work for Maxine, but Stacy isn't there for pleasantries. She gets all up in Susan's grill about Susan stealing one of her moves (putting a feather duster in her mouth). Susan has no knowledge of this, saying that she doesn't watch the other girls perform. I wish I didn't have to watch you perform, Susan. Wow, I suddenly had the strongest wish that Karl was still alive to throw this in Susan's face; you know he would be the perfect character to discover this double life. Too bad you killed him off for no reason, show.

With no inkling of how much better all of this would be if Karl was involved, Stacy pissily tells Susan to keep her duster out of her mouth and to watch her back. Then she stomps out of the room.

Back at the Scavos', Lynette is sorting stuff into a box when Tom enters the room. It's clear from the way he's walking and the stupid look on his face that he believes he's stoned, poor sap. For a second, though, Lynette seems to fear that he's about to accuse her of something; imagine her surprise when Tom declares that he's wasted. "Really?" asks Lynette as Tom sits down. "I am Lucy in the sky high," he jokes, and Lynette proceeds to wave her hand in his face, asking if it's an intense action. The cross-eyed, glassy look on Tom's face is all worth it. "And don't forget, tomorrow we have to trombone 3D banana patch," she babbles. Tom: "Man, this is some really strong stuff." Lynette: "Snow shovel." Tom: "Exactly." HAHAHA!

Tom holds out his hand for Lynette and starts to get starry eyed about the baby. "You know, I was just upstairs watching Paige sleep," he says (and upon learning the baby's name I cheered so loudly I almost missed the next part), "with her little fingers and her little toes. I must have watched her for like an hour. She is just so perfect. And I am so lucky. I couldn't feel happier than I do right now." At this point, Lynette is honestly moved, coming over and leaning down to kiss the top of Tom's head. "I'm just so happy it's working," she says, and she leaves Tom to his imagined high.

Gaby and Susan are shopping at some boutique I'm sure Susan can't afford. Gaby actually points this out when Susan asks for her opinion on a dress, but Susan says that things have been turning around. "I've been selling a lot of my jewelry." Gaby: "Get out!" HA! Susan continues to pretend that she could have afforded this stuff even in her heyday and rushes off to the dressing room.

Cue a little girl coming up and calling Gaby "mommy." Turns out that she has the wrong woman in a sexy red dress, but it's okay since her real mom runs up a second later. At first, Gaby simply brushes it off, but when the mother and daughter turn to leave, she stops them to ask how old the girl is. She's eight, of course, and the revelation spirals Gaby into a desperate quest for information (like when the girl's birthday is and where she was born). Understandably, the mother hurries away from this seeming craziness, leaving Gaby to stare after them with tears in her eyes. Suddenly she notices every little girl that's there; she's seeing them with new eyes, wondering if any of them might be her daughter.

Cut to Gaby at home that night. She's sitting at the table talking. "Standing there in the mall it just hit me," she explains. "I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if every little girl I see is my daughter. Not knowing where she is is like my heart living outside of my body. I have to find her." It turns out that she's talking to Bob, who says that he'll try to find the family if he can, although Sanchez is a fairly common name. Gaby says that she knows more than the hospital did, as she was talking to the other woman the day Juanita was born. She tells Bob where the woman used to live, as well as the name of the church where she planned to baptize her daughter. "That's gonna help," says Bob. Then he asks if Carlos is on board with the plan. "Absolutely," Gaby lies. Damn.

Commercials.

Maxine is on the phone ordering steak when Susan pops in to pick up her money. Man, how often does she get paid? Maxine directs Susan to the money--in her private viewing room--and orders her not to listen in on the conversation, as she's ordering the girls steaks for Christmas. Uh, okay. With a smile, Susan heads into the room and grabs her envelope only to be distracted by Stacy's online performance. To no one's surprise or interest, Stacy has stolen Susan's vacuum sucks off the apron bit, and Susan's ire is raised. She calls for Maxine, whining about the thievery, but Maxine really couldn't care less. Then Susan notices the keys for the apartments hanging on the wall and steals Stacy's.

That night, Renee shows up at Bree's, ready to party in a low cut, strapless dress. In a completely lovable move, Bree is dressed in a cardigan that's buttoned up to her neck. "You look like you're ready to tour the Reagan library," jokes Renee, and I wish Bree would invite her in to see the framed picture of Reagan she has. "This is a cocktail cardigan!" says Bree excitedly. "Look closely: the buttons are shiny!" I really love Bree right now. Renee demands to see Bree's closet.

Renee is no more impressed with Bree's closet, claiming it to be a portal to the 1950s. Kind of cutely, Bree claims that there's nothing wrong with her clothes, but Renee insists that she has to dress the part for a nightclub. Finally, Bree pulls out a pretty little black dress that Renee claims is acceptable, and goes to change.

Later, the girls sit at a bar and Renee groans that the place is dead. Bree is surprised, given the number of people there dancing, but Renee thinks that everyone must have hooked up early so they could be home in time for Nightline. Ha. Hilariously, Bree actually starts to talk about how interesting that night's episode sounded, only for Renee to interrupt her to point out a potential hottie. It should come as no surprise that it's Keith, who is sitting at the other end of the bar. Bree admits that she knows him, and then, despite her protests that Keith has a girlfriend, Renee wiggles her way down there to show him a good time.

Alone, Bree gives this funny, childish laugh that actually attracts the bartender's attention. He asks what's up and Bree tells him that her friend is about to make a fool of herself. Too bad for Bree, the bartender actually knows Keith, and he informs her that earlier that day Keith's girlfriend dumped him. Bree flees to the bathroom, and a lightbulb goes off over her head.

Cue Mrs. Van de Kamp coming back to the club with her dress on backward, this way the plunging back is now going way down her front. All I want to know is how they got Marcia Cross' boobs like that. I mean, they are out in full glory and somehow seem to be defying gravity. I can only imagine that there's a lot of tape involved. The more I stare at them, the more unnatural they look. It's beginning to freak me out, and I almost want to go back to the comforting embrace of her sweater sets. Let's move on with this, shall we?

Bree's boobs run smack into Keith as she comes down the stairs into the club. He makes some small talk with her, and then says he has to run because he has an early day. Proud of herself, Bree sashays over to Renee (who wholeheartedly approves of the boobs), who mentions that she's going home with Keith. "Do you think I should play the 'I hate going into a dark house alone' card," she asks, "or the more blatant, 'I'm not wearing underwear'? 'Cause I'm not." HA! Bree tries to warn her that Keith is fragile because he just broke up with his girlfriend, but Renee doesn't really care. As she heads out, Bree turns and nearly begs her not to go home with Keith. "Why? Oh, he's the one you like, isn't he?" asks Renee, dead on. Bree, bring Bree (even with her boobs), can't admit this, and tries to claim that she just doesn't want Renee to be labeled a slut. Raise your hand if you think Renee gives a damn. Yeah, that's right. She hustles on out of there, leaving Bree to hug her clutch to her bosom.

Commercials.

The show returns with an excellent shot of Bree's legs, crossed, as the camera slowly pans up her body. She's standing back on the Lane with a putter in hand, staring down the street at Renee's house. Her hair is down now, and even without the flip, she has a look on her face that is classically reminiscent of the Bree who once threw pee on her husband and shot a rifle at her ex-boyfriend's car. God, I miss that Bree. She pulls out her cell phone and calls Keith, asking him to come over to help her with a problem at the house. After he agrees, and she hangs up, she proceeds to whack off the heads of her sprinklers so the water shoots out.

Later, Keith inspects the problem, wondering who would do something like this. Bree shrugs it off: "Far be it from me to understand the minds of hooligans." HA! Then she pretends that she's sorry to have interrupted his evening. Keith says he wasn't up to anything special (Bree is thrilled by this news), and that seems to give her the courage to ask Keith over for dinner on Thursday. Even though she tries to pretend it's not a date, Keith knows what's up and doesn't have a problem with it.

The next day, Susan breaks into Stacy's house. Armed with a screwdriver, she finds Stacy's vacuum cleaner and goes to work.

Back on the Lane, Beth is watering her garden when she noticed Mrs. McCluskey heading on down the street. Beth shouts hello, and then she proceeds to hike up her skirt so she can climb over the fence and rush across the street. Hehehe. Beth is already so much more amusing than Susan. "I was hoping I might see you at the girls' poker game," explains Beth, somewhat strangely. Karen says she hasn't been allowed back since they caught her cheating, but Beth doesn't particularly care. Mostly she wants to know why the girls don't like Paul. At first, Karen pretends not to know, but when Beth insists, Karen explains that they think he's a murderer.

Understandably, Beth doesn't get why the neighborhood doesn't believe him now that Felicia has been found and he's been cleared. Karen explains the Martha Huber murder, saying that "Felicia may be a few fingers short of a high five, but if she's crazy, we all are." HA! I guess you all are then, because Felicia, right or wrong, is a complete lunatic.

Back at the apartments, Susan turns on Stacy's feed and sits down with a bag of popcorn. As Stacy goes to suck off her apron, the vacuum backfires and begins to spew dust all over Stacy. Susan laughs maniacally, and then turns on her own camera. As she starts to flirt with the camera, Stacy suddenly bursts in and accuses Susan of messing with her vacuum. The two of them start to get into a verbal sparring match, and then Stacy shoves Susan. The two of them get into a wrestling match, which doesn't go unnoticed by Maxine, who eventually comes into Susan's apartment to tell the girls to make sure to wrestle on screen. Because they are twelve, the girls start bitching to Maxine and then, honest to God, Maxine sends Stacy to her room. Uh, yeah. Okay then. No more words. Maxine asks if Susan is okay and then leaves.

Thankfully, we're back to Bree, who is watering her flowers when Renee comes up to bitch about Bree stealing Keith away from her bed. She doesn't buy the sprinkler destroying hooligan story. "Nobody steals a man out of my bed," snaps Renee. Then she says that she needs a hobby, and her new one will be destroying Bree. Hey, Renee may be a crazy bitch, but Bree is armed. I say bring it on.

Commercials.

Because tonight is the Susan show, we're back in the community laundry room when we get back. Stacy huffs in and says that Maxine ordered her to apologize, so here she is. Oh, whatever. Like this wasn't 90% Susan's fault. And isn't Maxine pissed that Susan stole her key? Why does this show expect me to believe that Susan craps sunshine out of her ass? I'm so sick of it. Susan isn't too impressed with Stacy's apology, so Stacy confesses that she shouldn't have stolen Susan's bit, she just freaked out when she didn't get the bonus check. She explains that she's been trying to get back home to Virginia, but it's hard to save up the money. Blah, blah, blah, Susan can relate; Stacy likes to splurge, which doesn't help her situation; by the end of the year, Stacy and Susan plan to be gone. Oh, and Stacy's been doing this six years, which depresses Susan.

Later, Susan returns with an empty laundry basket and tells Mike that she just wants to stay home and order Chinese for their anniversary. Mike the man's man Delfino is perfectly fine with this. And scene.

Over at Paul's, Beth serves him a sandwich, mentioning what a lovely time she had at the poker game. This serves as the perfect segue to say that the neighborhood thinks that Paul killed Martha. "I'm not a murderer, you know," says Paul, so convincingly that I wonder if he's tricked himself into believing it. Beth says that she knows, but that even if he was, she'd still be on his side. After all, she fell for him when she thought he was a murderer. Crazy.

Carlos sits on his steps in a suit when Tom wanders up. The fact that Tom isn't dressed for work makes me wonder if Carlos even bothers to make him show up anymore. Tom asks if Carlos is okay (because it's very obvious he's not), and Carlos says that it's been an intense couple of weeks. To say the least. Fortunately, Tom has the perfect solution. Oh jeez.

Cut to the boys hiding out in Carlos' garage with Tom's "medication." "Now, I gotta warn you," says Tom. "This stuff is chronic. I got totally baked off of it this morning." Chuckling, Carlos says that he never had Tom pegged as a stoner, and as the two of them sample Tom's stash, it's obvious that Carlos must have been "cooler" than Tom in college. "Tom," he says. "I hate to break this to you, but this isn't pot." Tom: "Tell me that in five minutes when we are soaring past the rings of Saturn." Hahahaha. Oh Tom. Carlos insists that it's oregano, but Tom says that he bought it at a legitimate supplier. "Then somebody must have switched it on you," says Carlos. For a second, Tom actually wonders who would do that before the truth dawns oh so clearly.

In their bathroom, Lynette shuts the medicine cabinet and actually jumps when she sees Tom standing behind her. "I know what you did," accuses Tom, but Lynette, bless her, plays innocent. "Whatever do you mean?" she asks, cocking her head a little seductively. Haha! Tom holds out his medicine, and Lynette shrugs. "Oh! Yeah, that was me." HA! Amazing. She walks past him into the bedroom, and Tom follows; he is fit to be tied. Lynette, on the other hand, thinks that it's a little funny that he thought he was getting high off of a pizza topping.

"My sense of betrayal is huge at this moment!" shouts Tom. I have to say, Tom doesn't get really pissed very often, but this is one of those times. Lynette seems to have no problem with it though, just joking, "Well why don't you snort some baking powder? You'll feel better." Tom: "I'm glad you're enjoying this. I'm glad you enjoy making a fool of me." Dejected, he flops down on the bed as Lynette actually seems to feel a twinge of guilt. "That was not my intention," she says, sitting down behind him. "I only threw out the pot because I didn't think you needed it." Tom whips around, but before he can protest, Lynette continues, "And you know, I was right! You got happy all on your own." Hilariously, Tom tells her not to justify her actions by pretending that it was a master plan. He should be glad that it wasn't a master plan; usually Lynette's go terribly, terribly wrong.

"For some reason, when you were high on oregano, you made a decision to live in the moment," explains Lynette. "You stood over our daughter's crib and you let go of the stress and the fear, and you focused on the good in your life." Tenderly, she leans down and kisses Tom's arm, and adds, "But I am sorry I tricked you."

"You're evil. I should have expected it," says Tom, half-joking. I mean, come on, this is totally Lynette. No one should be surprised by this. Tom stands up and tells Lynette that he's going to look at their beautiful daughter (because apparently all of his depression problems are solved). "Then I gotta turn that bong I made back into a lamp." Lynette smiles after him lovingly.

Commercials.

Gaby is putting on makeup when her phone rings. It's Bob with the news that he's found the other family; he says that he hasn't called them yet; he wanted to make sure that Gaby was certain. He warns her that after they do this, her family will be changed forever. Gaby hesitates, but sounds confident when she tells Bob to call them. She hangs up and glances over at Juanita, who sits on the floor playing with Gaby's hats. I have no words for how adorable she looks. Gaby calls her into the other room and asks if Juanita wants her to do her makeup. So cute. "Look how grown up you are," says Gaby. "Before you know it you're gonna be going to college, have boyfriends, get married." With the love and honesty only a little girl possesses, Juanita declares that she's not getting married. "I don't wanna leave you and Daddy. Ever." Oh my God. Every week so far this season, this show breaks my heart at the end. Why?

"Juanita," asks Gaby quietly, "you know how much I love you?" Juanita grins. "To the moon and back," she says, and that's it. I'm officially crying. Damn you, show! "No matter what happens, I will always love you to the moon and back," says Gaby. God, explain that to this little girl after she finds out that she's not really your kid. This is going to be devastating.

Outside, Carlos is closing his trunk when Bob runs over and says he needs to talk to him and Gaby. "Why?" asks Carlos, as Bob launches into a speech about how the other family freaked out when he told them the news. Carlos is baffled.

Back upstairs, Gaby sits on her dresser, announcing Juanita's runway debut into a hairbrush. A second later, Juanita twists into the room in a cute little green dress pretending to model. Suddenly Carlos appears, and it is clear that he is livid. He tells Gaby that he just spoke to Bob, no further explanation needed. Gaby hops off of the dresser and calmly tells Juanita to go to her room; after she leaves, Carlos shuts the door.

"How could you have done this?" Carlos shouts. He says that they had an agreement, but Gaby says that he rushed her. "Don't you understand what could happen?" he demands. Gaby says that their flesh and blood is out there and she needs to know how she is. Carlos doesn't care. "And what if they want Juanita back?" he snaps. "They could take her from us. They can do that now!" It's obvious that Gaby hasn't even considered that possibility. She shakily says that the other family won't want to give up their daughter, but Carlos yells that they don't know that. "If this ends badly, I will never forgive you. I mean it, Gabrielle. We're done." And Carlos rushes from the room, leaving Gaby alone with the heartbreaking realization that she might have destroyed her whole family.

"Happiness," says Mary Alice as we follow Carlos storming down the street, "it's something everyone searches for." The camera pauses on Susan's car, and she steps out and stares wistfully at her house. "Some are sure they'll find it once they move back home." Over at Bree's, she cooks as Mary Alice says, "Some think they'll find it by making a new friend." Next we go to Renee, standing outside sipping a cocktail. "Some hope to find it once they've defeated the competition." Finally, there's a shot of Tom sitting on his porch with a big smile. The camera pulls back to show Lynette next to him with the baby and Penny, and then a moment later Parker comes outside and sits down next to his dad. "Then there are those who stop searching for happiness because they look up one day to discover it was right there in front of them all the time."

I wish I could grade the storylines in this episode individually. Gaby and Carlos, for instance, would get an A+. This is the most interesting they've been in such a long time, and I love every second of it. Plus it's so refreshing to see Gaby do something besides complain about her children. I'd give the Lynette and Tom part of this a B+. Although I loved their scenes in this episode, I'm tired of them having these big problems that are brushed under the table with little resolution. Honestly, almost every time they give these two something juicy, they never let the actors play the conflict for much longer than an episode. For instance, the fact that they've never mentioned what happened with Eddie, or that the miscarriage was only spoken of twice after it happened. Or even the beginning of last year, when Lynette was questioning if she should even have the kids. And those are only things from recent history. For once I'd like to see them talk out a problem and actually solve it, instead of just pretending that everything is okay. It's never going to happen, though.

I'd give the Bree/Renee portion of this episode an A-. They had some great lines and I genuinely enjoyed Bree in this episode. She had a spark that's been missing for quite some time. I'd give the same grade to the scenes with Beth because she's so delightfully quirky. But the most I can give Susan is a C. Her plot was boring and aggravating; I'm tired of it. And since Susan was a majority of the episode, it really has to carry more weight than the other plots. So I'd say that the most I can give this overall is a B-. Hopefully next week will be lighter on the Susan or even a different Susan plot; I'd take either at this point. Here's hoping.

DH recap: You Must Meet My Wife

Season Seven, Episode Two: "You Must Meet My Wife"

Keith is fixing little Juanita Maybe-Not-A-Solis' bike outside of Bree's house while Bree watches like a creeper from her upstairs window. Instead of pointing this out, Mary Alice comes in to say, "It had been a long time since Bree Van de Kamp was a little girl." Is it wrong that I'm kind of glad that Bree decided to go back to her original married name? Anyway, Bree steps away from the window, tightening whatever robe/jumpsuit she's wearing and sits down at a vanity as Mary Alice gets to the point: "But she could still remember everything she'd ever been told about sex." Cue flashbacks.

We see the back of a little red head with pink pigtails as an older woman furiously mixes something in a bowl. "Her grandmother informed her it was a woman's burden," says Mary Alice. Cut to the back of Bree's head number two--probably in her early teens now--sitting in church listening to a man on the pulpit. "Her minister warned her it was a sin." And finally, Bree sits in a classroom listening to a teacher (who seems to be dressed much too modernly for what would have been the 70s) talk about venereal diseases. "Her teacher taught her it was unhealthy." Back in the present day, Bree finishes pinning up her hair as Mary Alice summarizes, "Yes, everyone had told Bree her sexual urges were dangerous..." Bree steps outside, her hair now down for some reason, and stops short as she sees Keith sawing away at some wood. "...but no one had ever told her how to get rid of them." I would suggest boinking him, Bree.

Keith greets Bree, but she simply tells him she's off to the bank; he stops her with a hand to the arm and drags her over to look at the wood. "Whole new idea," he says. "I want to panel the study in this." Ew, that's pretty ugly. Apparently it's 200-year-old birch wood. Well, whatever floats your boat, guys. He makes Bree stroke the wood, taking her hand and running it over the plank. "You know what they call this? Witness wood. 'Cause it's seen so much history." HA! That is so lame. Lamer than his ensuing joke about sleeping through history class. Bree snatches her hand away and flees to her car.

"Yes, when Bree was a little girl, she'd been taught her sexual urges were dangerous," says Mary Alice as Bree--and the camera--ogle Keith's ass. Bree fastens her seatbelt and quickly backs up, running over something as she does. Leaping from the car, she hurries around to find poor little Juanita lying on the ground all banged up. "Unfortunately, she was about to learn those urges were dangerous for everyone." Sheesh.

I'm kind of conflicted about this plot for Bree. I mean, I get that she's all repressed, but she openly admitted to loving sex (to the wonderful Dr. Goldfine), had a very loving relationship with Orson up until everything went to hell, and then dallied around with Karl for the better part of last year. There has been a definite sexual progression of Bree throughout the seasons, and I feel like it's a bit of a backward step to have her go back to suppressing her urges. All she did last year was give into her desires, and she never really seemed to regret it (remember that whole episode with the maid judging her and Bree decided she didn't care?). Again, I wish that they had done more with Bree following Karl's death. That affair seems more and more arbitrary every day, not to mention Karl's death (which has been pointless from the start). Oh well.

Wee little credits.

We come back in a busy hospital as Mary Alice gets to her real theme of the week. "The doctors and nurses at Fairview Hospital are experts at healing," she says as we close in on a man with a cast. "They can set bones..." A woman walks down the hall with her whole hand wrapped in gauze. "...bandage wounds..." A doctor gives a little old lady some pills to swallow. "...and treat diseases." The camera swings around to the waiting room where Andrew, Bree, Mrs. McCluskey and Lynette are waiting. Okay, most random group ever. "Sadly, one thing they don't know how to heal is a guilty conscience." Bree paces to let us know she feels guilt.

"I don't know what happened. She just came out of nowhere," Bree cries as Lynette soothes her (though we all know that Lynette would have gone crazy if this had happened to one of her kiddos). Andrew backs up Lynette by saying that Juanita was talking when she got in the ambulance and he's sure everything is fine. "And I just spoke to one of the nurses," adds Karen. "She seemed pretty positive." Very suddenly, we hear Paul say, "Well that's a relief," as the camera moves around to show him walking into the waiting room. I probably don't need to mention this, but the little group is stunned that he's there. "I heard about the accident so I rushed right over. That's what neighbors do, right?" he smarms not so subtly. Oh Paul, you have such a unique brand of crazy. I wish they would add another layer to his hatred of the neighborhood by having him blame them for Mary Alice's death (since that's what led to his incarceration). It would actually make a lot more sense than him just being pissed that they never visited him while he was in jail.

Anyway, Bree and Lynette make a veiled attempt at politeness to cover their shock while Karen directly tells Paul that he doesn't have to hang around since there's nothing they can do. "We can pray," says Paul, holding out his hands. Everyone makes a second grade "ew, cooties!" face, but they slowly join hands. Immediately Paul launches into this prayer: "Dear Lord, we ask that you be with this young child and with the doctors caring for her. That she may be returned in full health to her loving family. Amen." The hilarious part is that while he's praying, Bree mouths to Lynette, "What is he doing?" and Lynette mouths back, "I don't know!" and Karen shrugs incredulously. Their sidebar conversation while Paul has his head bowed in prayer is amazing. Anyway, they quickly pretend they were listening and add amens as Paul finishes. Strangely, Paul dismisses himself right after that, saying that he has to go meet someone. Bizarre. "Dear Lord," says Karen after he leaves, "please don't let that creep ever touch me again." Lynette: "Amen." HA!

Suddenly, Gaby storms into the room, all tiny and powerful, but very calm. She tells the group that Juanita is going to be fine, but that they're keeping her a couple of days for observation (she also gives some exposition: Carlos is on a business trip). Then she drags Bree and Andrew into another room, waving and exclaiming to Lynette and Karen as she goes, "Thanks for coming! I feel so blessed to have such wonderful..." As the door shuts, Gaby whips around and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you people? First you take out my mother-in-law then you go after my daughter! Are you trying to kill off every Juanita Solis on the planet?!" HAHA! Best line of the episode. Congrats, Gaby.

Bree stutters excuses about it being a coincidence and adds that she's sorry, but Juanita just came out of nowhere. "Have you seen my daughter? She never comes out of nowhere," snarks Gaby. Bree doesn't quite know what to say to this (and really, can you blame her), so Andrew takes advantage of the awkward pause to step in and thank Gaby for not telling Carlos about his big secret (as if Gaby did it for him in any way, shape or form). Gaby: "I'm gonna give you that one 'cause I wasn't fond of her, but as for the rest of my family: learn to swerve!" Hee! She flies from the room, a ferocious little cloud, and Andrew casually asks Bree why this keeps happening. "I don't know," says Bree. "Maybe God's punishing us." This doesn't fly with Andrew, who jokes, "Or, God is punishing the Solises and we're just doing God's work." That's classy, Andrew.

Anyway, Bree still feels guilty and says that she shouldn't have been fiddling with the radio. I'm glad to hear that she came up with a respectable excuse; for a minute there, I was worried that her reputation might be tarnished. Andrew is not so easily fooled, however, and says that he saw Bree from across the street "checking out Keith's ass." Did he have binoculars or something? It's kind of hard to believe that he could see her staring at Keith's butt from across the street while she was in her car. Maybe his new job is being a creepy stalker. Anyway, Bree denies this (surprise, surprise), insisting that it was the radio. "Okay, fine," acquiesces Andrew. "But while we're talking about the radio, you do know that that particular model is like fifteen years too young for you, right?" Is that guy really fifteen years younger than Bree? He looks a lot older. I guess it doesn't matter what I think, because the comment hits home for Bree.

Unfortunately, we cut to Susan, who is in her apartment vacuuming in her lingerie in front of the computer. Yes, that's right, her "porn" career has begun. I'm really beginning to wonder if Teri Hatcher put some kind of nudity clause into her contract; between this season and last she has been featured in her undies a lot. But you know what, I don't particularly want to see it. Also, her botoxed face is really terrifying in this episode. Right now I have it paused and she looks like a dead fish; it is not pretty. Ugh. I have to say, if any of the other ladies partake in this whole botox thing, they're doing a much better job of it than Teri Hatcher is.

Okay, time to dive into this mess of a plot. Susan is very awkward in front of the camera, trying to cover her breasts and pull her nightie down over her ass. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door; it's Maxine, so Susan turns off the camera and rushes to the door. Thankfully, she also puts on a robe so I don't have to see any more of her lingerie. Maxine is there to criticize Susan's performance. It was too dull, so Maxine decides to give her a few pointers. She takes Susan's vacuum and starts thrusting it and her breasts toward the camera. Then she hurries over to the duster and shakes her ass as she dusts. "And what have we here?" she asks as she runs to the table and starts rubbing away the smudges with her boobs. Maxine tells her to loosen up and play into the fantasy. "I want to," says Susan. "I just can't stop thinking about all those men out there watching me." Oh Susan, you've slept with half of them anyway; what's the big deal?

Maxine tells Susan she should be flattered because those men are spending their money to see "the perfect woman." This whole plot seems very Lifetime movie to me. Down-on-her-luck housewife turns to pornography to save her family. There will be a lot of tears and yelling; the whole neighborhood will turn out to judge her. You can see it, can't you? Anyway, Maxine derobes Susan and tells her that she has all of the power. Then they practice the vacuum move together.

Over at the Scavos', Penny is doing homework while Renee is on the phone yelling at her husband about divorce settlements and breast implants. As Renee hangs up, Lynette tries to subtly point out that her preteen daughter is in the room, but Renee shrugs it off by saying that Penny will be dating soon enough. She asks Penny what she's learned from her about marriage and Penny dutifully stands up and says, "Never sign a prenup." Penny Scavo, ladies and gentlemen, who is out of the room after one line.

The front door opens and Tom shuffles into the house, apparently home from work early. "I'm not feeling well," he says pitiably as Lynette reaches up to feel his forehead (first with her hand and then, adorably, with her cheek). "Again?" she asks. "That's the third time this week." Then she adds that he needs to go to the doctor. Tom says that he's fine--he's just going to lie down and watch TV--so Lynette asks him to please run to the grocery store for her. "I'm tired," whines Tom. "Can't you do it?" Hehehe. Cue Lynette's "are you serious?" face. "I'm a little busy right now. I have five kids and a useless house guest," she says as Tom groans. Hey buddy, you're the one who knocked her up four times and gave her the ultimate excuse; deal with it. "I need you functional," points out Lynette. She says that either Tom has to go to the doctor or he has to man up and help her. "Fine, I'll go tomorrow," Tom complains. "Man, the sympathy in here is just overwhelming." He leaves the room and Lynette sighs and turns to Renee with this "can you believe him?" expression. Unfortunately, Renee looks more like she can't believe Lynette.

"It's none of my business," says Renee, and Lynette turns around and mouths an exaggerated, "But..." which Renee, of course, says out loud. Hehe. Totally believable, even of two people who probably don't see each other very often. I can still predict my college roommate like that and we only see each other a handful of times a year. I love it. Anyway, Renee says that Lynette and Tom are starting to sound a lot like her and Doug. "I appreciate the concern," says Lynette, "but Tom and I always do that." Well that's true. Renee points out that she and Doug were always like that too and look at them now. "I'm telling you, we're fine," Lynette insists, and then she mouths, "If you say so," which Renee musically chimes right after. Hilariously, Lynette nods and gives a thumbs up like Renee did an excellent job. Awesome.

Across the street, Bree chats with Lee and Karen about Juanita's prognosis as Bob rushes over to join the group. Immediately, Lee begins snarking at Bob, complaining that he let their tomato plants wither just like their relationship. Hahaha. "Well that's what happens when you grow needy, whiny tomatoes," says Bob. Karen tells the boys that it's been a month; can't they just kiss "each other's moms" (??) and make up? Incredulous looks abound as Karen turns to Bree and asks, "Isn't that what they do?" Bree doesn't mention that this hasn't happened to her yet, but only because she's distracted by a strange blond woman stumbling down the middle of the street with a suitcase. "She looks lost," says Bob, prompting Lee to ask if they should help her. Suddenly the woman trips, dropping her suitcase and spilling the water from her fishbowl. "Son of a bitch!" she shrieks, and Lee nods that they should go help.

The group runs over to the girl (Francine from Gilmore Girls; how odd that one of Rory's classmates is now playing a real grown up), who struggles to pick up her fish and get him back in the bowl. She tells them that she's lost; she only had twenty bucks and so her cab couldn't get her to her destination. Karen asks if she was looking for Wisteria Lane, and blondie nods. "Is my fish moving?" she asks desperately while Bob asks who she's there to see. No one should be surprised that it's Paul, who very conveniently chooses that moment to jog over shouting, "Beth!" He stops and smiles at the neighbors. "Well," he says, "I see you've all met my wife." Shock!

Commercials.

Back at Bree's, Keith is shirtless when Bree walks in with her single bag of groceries. He apologizes for being half-naked and picks up a shirt, asking how Juanita is. Then he asks how Bree is. "I'm okay. How is the work coming?" she asks, trying to keep her eyes on her groceries. Then, d'oh; Keith put the shirt on backwards. He has to take it off and put it on again. How silly. Bree drops the milk at the sight of his abs and he, again, asks if she's okay. She says she's fine, but it's been a stressful day. "I think I know what you need," says Keith, finally getting his shirt on. He pulls Bree into a hug that she doesn't return, whispering platitudes, and Bree freaks out. "I have to let you go!" she shouts. "After you let me go...Everyone should just let go!" Well that last part doesn't even make sense, but Keith releases her and lets her retreat to a corner. "Are you firing me? Why?" he asks. Bree says that he's messy, gets paint everywhere, and wears too much cologne. Keith says he doesn't wear cologne; Bree: "That's just you?!" Haha. As dumb as this is, that was pretty funny. Anyway, Bree says she'll write him a check, but Keith says to just mail it and storms out.

Susan is in a different bathrobe, ushering Mike and MJ out of the door with kisses. She mentions that her first class isn't until eleven, so she has some time to work on her jewelry. So she just gets to drift into school whenever she wants? How is it that Susan's teaching plot becomes more unbelievable every season? Mike, idiot that he is, is impressed by Susan's determination to bring in more money. "You have no idea," she mutters predictably and she slams the door behind her guys.

Cut to a montage of Susan doing housework in the skankiest manner possible (thrusting and blowing and shaking and spanking). As she's wiping a table off with her ass, Mike suddenly waltzes back in; he forgot something and had to come back to get it. Susan lies that she was doing housework and got overheated, trying to turn off the computer, but Mike is distracted and wants to have sex. Right there. OMG! The zany antics. I can't stand it! Susan does some acrobatics, but finally turns off the computer with her foot.

Over in the house of five kids, Lynette comes into the kitchen and asks Renee if she's found a place to live yet (she's surfing the net for apartments). Can I take a second to add that it's kind of awesome that they've left both some baby weight and the bigger boobs on Felicity Huffman so she looks like she actually just had a baby? Usually these actresses go from pregnant to stick thin again in less than a minute, so I'm liking this nod to verisimilitude. Anyway, Renee has not found a place; all the ones within her budget are too small for her. She thinks that she should just move to Fairview. Immediately, Lynette's voice goes up and she does her lying laugh as she tells Renee that she's a New Yorker, not a suburbanite. "You love the theater, museums...you said yourself you can't even get a decent up of coffee around here." Renee: "No, I meant here, Lynette. Really, how hard is it to clean the pot?"

Before Lynette can convince Renee to go far, far away, Tom arrives home from the doctor and asks if he can speak to Lynette privately. He drags her into the dining room and tells her to sit down. "Tom, you are scaring me. What is it?" she asks. But, instead of revealing that he has some life-threatening illness, Tom blows out a sigh and says he has postpartum depression. Lynette: "Come again?" Haha.

"I know it sounds weird, but it's a recognized problem for fathers my age. I've got all the classic symptoms: headaches, mood swings, fatigue..." says Tom seriously. "Wow," breathes Lynette. "Tell me, did he check you for a yeast infection while he was down there too?" Hehehe. I will admit, she could be taking this a little more to heart, but I almost don't blame her for reacting this way after Tom made such a big stink leading up to it. He acted like he was going to reveal that he had cancer or something, and given this family's history with serious illnesses, I can see why she's underwhelmed by this.

Tom hands Lynette a pamphlet titled "The Bitter Seed" (HA!) and asks her to read it over before she judges him. "Yeah, I'm not buying it," says Lynette. "Show me one stretch mark, one chapped nipple and we'll talk about your postpartum." Tom argues that it's a legitimate medical condition and that Lynette was the one who insisted he go to the doctor, but she says she only wanted him to so he'd be of some use. "Not so you could take long baths or get in some extra naps." Hahaha. Tom begs her to read the whole pamphlet, but the baby starts crying. Lynette says she has to go take care of her other baby and runs up the stairs. Meanwhile in the other room, Renee eavesdrops. And judges. Can't forget that.

Commercials.

Paul and Beth are enjoying a tasty dinner shrouded in awkward silence. They both go to speak at the same time, but Beth wins, blurting out that she likes the house. Paul agrees that it's nice, but that it needs a woman's touch. "Oh, I don't have much experience with decorating," stutters Beth. "If I so much as moved a chair Mama would throw a fit." Oh good. She has a nutty mom. There's something different. Paul says she must be glad to be away from the crazy, and Beth agrees.

The conversation turns to how Paul never thought the day would come when he could reach out and actually touch Beth. "I didn't either," she says, awkwardly patting his hand. Paul adds that the only thing he'll miss about prison is her letters, and then segues into mentioning that he wanted the night to be special since the prison didn't allow "conjugal visits." Oh! Paul's getting it on. Man, Mary Alice has been dead for about thirteen years now; that is a long time to go without sex.

"About that," says Beth. "I can't wait to start cooking for you and making things nice around here, but there are certain other wifely duties that I don't want to rush into." She adds that they're still getting to know each other and asks if Paul is upset. He lies that he's fine. "There's more to marriage than sex." Yeah, there's also lying and keeping secrets. Speaking of which...

Gaby tears through the nurse's station when a nurse asks to talk to her. Turns out there are some questions about Juanita, like is she allergic to any medications and "how old was she when you adopted her?" Oops. Gaby laughs and says, "I know it's hard to believe that the little acorn gave birth to the mighty oak, but I did." HA! Another great line. Seriously, Juanita is going to be taller than Gaby in another season. The nurse is a little thrown, and mentions that Gaby told her the other day that she and Carlos were type O blood and Juanita is type A. "Well two Os can't have an A," she says, and then something seems to dawn on her. "Oh, nevermind!" she chirps. Oops again.

Gaby wants to know what she meant by that, and the nurse condescendingly implies that Gaby must have had an affair. "Listen, nursie!" snaps Gaby. "I know you spend your day emptying bedpans and shaving the groins of senior citizens, but there's no drama here. I've been faithful to my husband! I have nothing to hide!" Gaby starts to walk away, then marches back and rips off the part of Juanita's records that offends her.

Renee is sitting at the kitchen table again (seriously, she's been there for just about every scene) when Lynette comes downstairs with the laundry. Renee yawns pretty pointedly and Lynette asks her if she had trouble sleeping. "I was up kind of late," she says. "Oy, that Tom sure can talk." Ugh. No one will be surprised to hear that this raises Lynette's ire, especially when Renee goes on to mention that Tom needed to talk to someone after the way things went yesterday. Then she says that the whole thing is none of her business. Double ugh. This is so passive aggressive it's slightly sickening.

Lynette insists that Renee tell her what happened. "Well, Tom feels that you don't listen to him," says Renee, as if we, and Lynette, haven't heard this a million times already. Lynette says she did listen--she heard Tom say that he has postpartum ("Also known by its initials: BS.")--but Renee points out that hearing is different than listening. "Okay," says Lynette. "Okay, you stop. I don't need you troubleshooting my marriage and I don't want you having any more of these little conversations with my husband." Direct and to the point; none of this passive aggressive shit. This is why I love Lynette. Renee agrees and then Lynette heads back toward the stairs, giving Renee time to mouth, "And I mean it," right before Lynette says it. Less cute knowing that Renee won't listen.

Gaby paces Juanita's hospital room when Susan comes in with a big card. "There you are!" she shouts. "I called you an hour ago!" Susan says she was at school and cheerfully hands Juanita the card, but Gaby has other things on her mind. Grabbing Susan by the arm, she yanks her out of the room and down the hall.

Once they're alone, Gaby asks Susan if she remembers the ski weekend they took eight years ago. You mean during season four, Gaby? Because for this timeline to make any sense, you must have found out you were pregnant with Juanita about two seconds after season four ended. And I can't quite see Susan skiing when she was heavily pregnant with MJ. But, okay, let's go with it. Susan says that she remembers; she also remembers the French guy they met who was flirting with Gaby. Gaby wants details: when did she get back to the hotel room that night? Susan says that it was light out. "Oh God," cries Gaby. "I think that Juanita might be French." HA! This makes no sense, but HA!

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To my utter shock, Mary Alice rejoins us as a weary Carlos climbs out of his car that night. I can't remember the last time they used her voiceover mid-episode. I'm impressed. "When Carlos returned from his business trip," she says, "he stopped at the hospital to visit his daughter, who had been sleeping peacefully. Then he came home to see his wife, who had been plotting frantically." Carlos climbs into bed next to Gaby; she's pretending to be asleep. Slowly, she begins to roll around, eventually heaving herself on top of Carlos and making out with him. Then, suddenly, she shoves him away and gasps. "What? Carlos what were you doing?" she asks. Carlos says that she was the one making out with him, and Gaby groans, "Oh no! It's happening again." Carlos doesn't know what's going on, so Gaby explains that she has "sexomnia." Apparently it's like sleepwalking, only with sex. Hehehe.

Carlos can't believe this is going on. "Since when have you had that?" he asks. Gaby says she's had it since before the girls were born, but Carlos hasn't ever seen her do it before. "Well it mostly only happens when I'm really tired," she says. "Like when I work out too much or go skiing..." Hint hint. Carlos: "Well first thing tomorrow I'm checking out air fare to Aspen." HA! Leaning up, Carlos tries to go for it again, but Gaby says that this isn't a joke; she could have sex with anyone and not even know it. Carlos takes this news in stride; he still wants to have sex. "No, no, I'm too tired," says Gaby, rolling off of him. Then, sheepishly, she adds, "And ashamed." Hehehe.

The next morning, Bree is gardening when Mrs. McCluskey comes up to return a rake. Karen asks where Keith went and Bree tells her that she let him go. Cue several jokes about how hot Keith was, blah, blah, blah. "You mean at your age, you still have urges?" asks Bree. Oh Lord, this girl. "I'm not dead, Bree," snaps Karen. "I may like my bed and my food soft, but I like my men..." Bree cuts her off before she gets to the good stuff, and says that she was hoping that one day she'd outgrow her sexual urges. What a depressing thought. Most people probably hope they won't outgrow it.

Karen garners that that's why Bree fired Keith and Bree agrees that he's a distraction. "And I refuse to make a fool of myself," she says. Instead of saying it's because Keith is so much younger than her (which is where I thought this was headed), Bree says that her track record with men isn't the best; "Two dead, one in a wheelchair." Actually, three are dead if you count George. Or maybe you weren't counting Karl, since we pretend that never happened. Either way, it's three dead. "Bree, I can't tell you how to live your life. All I know is that not living your life isn't the answer," says Karen. She also adds that Bree needs to take some risks so she doesn't have a lifetime of regrets. Words of wisdom. Karen should publish a book.

Lynette arrives home that night laden with bags and the baby while Porter sits on the couch like a useless lump. "Don't feel like you have to help or anything," she says. Porter: "Cool." Oh my. The twins are twenty now. Force them to be responsible or kick them out; it's your right, sweetie. Lynette asks where Tom is, and Porter says he and Renee went out to dinner at the French place Tom likes. He also adds that they said Lynette could join them. Of course, Lynette is practically out the door already. She orders Porter to unload the groceries and watch his sister (what is her name?!); he says he has plans, but Lynette just leaves. HA! Suck on that, freeloader.

At the restaurant, Tom and Renee are deep in conversation when Lynette sidles into the booth next to her husband. Without more than a few pleasantries, she demands to know what they were talking about. "To be honest," says Tom, "I was talking about you and your tendency to be critical. And how frustrating it is to have my feelings invalidated whenever I bring up something you don't like." Lynette nods, but, once again, she's not really listening. She wants a sidebar with Renee, so the two of them leave the table and go across the room.

"Did I or did I not tell you to butt the hell out of my marriage?" asks Lynette the second they're out of earshot. Renee acts like she's totally innocent (just listening to Tom talk), but Lynette says that she was feeding Tom lines (like the one about invalidated feelings). "I was just trying to help," lies Renee, and Lynette calls her on it. "You need a project and since you're currently without a house to remodel, you've decided to put the wrecking ball to my marriage," says Lynette. She's practically in tears. "This is what you do," she goes on. "You take other people's lives apart for your own amusement and then you get the fun of putting them back together. Well I'm not letting you do it this time. My marriage is not some guest bedroom in your summer house." Wow. Good speech.

"Fine," says Renee. She's clearly both affronted by Lynette's accusations and a little overcome by how upset Lynette is. "Let's just say you're right and I'm a terrible person. But there's still a man in there who is in pain, and his wife won't listen to him! That's not my doing!" Without giving Lynette time to respond, Renee turns and heads back to the table. Harsh, yes, but also something that Lynette needed to hear. Not that I doubt that Renee is making this entire situation worse.

Commercials.

Susan plays with her webcam when Mike comes home with a bunch of yellow roses for her. He brought them home because he found out that Susan earned enough cash to make their car payment. "You're amazing," he says. "You teach, you bust your ass with this jewelry business, and then I come home yesterday and here you are, happy as can be, working to make this place a home. I'm so lucky to have a wife like you." They hug, and Susan looks at her webcam guiltily.

The next day, she sits at her kitchen table while her boss counts out her latest payment. "You know you're getting good at this," says Maxine. "I'm also getting good at lying to my husband," adds Susan. The yellow roses sit and judge her.

Elsewhere in Fairview, Bree enters a bar and finds Keith playing pool. Unsurprisingly, he's not thrilled to see her. She makes some excuses for her behavior the other day, not really apologizing, and asks him to come back. Then she gives him a slightly fearful smile. Hmm, I take it back. Maybe Marcia Cross has been frequenting the same botox lab as Teri Hatcher. Regardless, Keith launches into this long analogy about cars that ends with him comparing Bree to the high maintenance Mazarati. It is kind of awesome because he calls Bree a pain in the ass.

Bree says that she's actually a Sedan that's going through a divorce, but Keith doesn't really care. So Bree ups the stakes, telling Keith that she needs him because both she and her house are a mess. She adds that she thought Keith was going to help her put it all back together, but then revises that to say she just means the house. Because we all know that Bree can't hold it together without a man. Seriously, I'd really like to see Bree get her life into check without the aid of a man. The last time it happened (when Orson was in jail), it was all off screen; this time I'd like to see it. Unfortunately, Keith doesn't tell her to go to hell; in fact, he doesn't say anything, and Bree leaves.

Outside, she jumps in her car and backs up without looking. Off screen, we hear Keith yell, "Hey!" and then Bree runs over him. She jumps out of her car, aghast, and Keith makes a joke about how she should give up driving. Then he agrees to come back and work on her house.

Over at the house of cyclical marriage problems, Tom lies in bed reading Muscle Mover magazine when Lynette comes in wearing a robe. He glances at her, but doesn't say anything, so she starts by asking him how he's doing. "What's this? Genuine concern?" he asks. "No asking if my breasts feel swollen or if it's a heavy flow day?" Lynette launches into an apology and tells him that she read the pamphlet and it actually made sense. "Becoming a new dad at your age can be pretty scary. I mean, just looking at that little girl and knowing that you might not be around for her wedding..." Tom interrupts her to ask if this is supposed to be helping, and Lynette says that she's acknowledging that it's real.

Gently, Lynette sits down on the bed and takes Tom's hand. "And now, in order to demonstrate that I'm a loving and caring wife," she says, "I have two options. One, we can have a long, sensitive conversation about your feelings, or option two..." She reaches for her robe and pulls it open as the camera cuts to her back. Tom's eyes go right to her naked breasts and he gets a sweet little smile on his face, sitting up and kissing her as she giggles. "As much as I like option two," he says, "I think tonight I want to talk." Lynette nods. Very cute scene.

And here comes a not so cute one. Paul enters his living room and hands Beth a present. It's lingerie. He orders her to try it on, but she says that it's not her style; he told her they could wait; excuses, excuses. Paul says it's been almost a week and then she gets downright snippy with him, throwing the lingerie back in the bag. Scarily, Paul grabs the letters Beth sent him in prison and throws them down. Then he makes her read one of them aloud; it's filled with all this talk about sex. "It was a fantasy," she says desperately. "I never thought it would be real." Paul says that it is real, but Beth blurts out that she thought he would never get out of prison. Ouch.

Immediately, she starts to say that she didn't mean it and that she's sorry; Paul just sits down and creepily says that he knows that Beth has issues. She wouldn't have married a man in prison for murder otherwise. "The good news is," he says, "I'm willing to help you. All I ask in return is for a little affection. Do you think you can offer me that?" Beth, looking terrified, says that she'll try. Paul gets up and kisses the top of her head, saying that he's patient, but he won't be forever. So creepy.

Commercials.

The next morning, Renee is actually sitting somewhere else! She's out on the front porch when Lynette joins her; they're both still in their PJs. Amicably, Lynette offers her some coffee that Renee jokes she's scared is poisoned. "Look, what you did was borderline evil," says Lynette. "But you were right to make me talk to Tom. So I thank you for being a good friend and don't ever do it again."

Now that Lynette's in a good mood, Renee takes a moment to tell her that she just rented Edie's old house. Lynette stops just short of saying that's appropriate. Suddenly the baby starts crying and Tom pops out. "I'm trying to calm the baby, but apparently I don't have the right equipment," he quips. HA! Lynette mentions Renee's impending move before she goes back inside, and, suddenly nervous, Tom asks if it's really a good idea for Renee to move there. Renee says of course, but Tom's not done. He reaches out to shut the door and adds, "It's just...I wanna be sure..." Renee cuts him off and says, "Tom, that was a million years ago." Tom: "It doesn't matter. She can never know what happened between us." Ugh. Although, strangely, I'm not quite as freaked out by this as I could have been. Yes, it sounds like Tom and Renee had an affair at some point, but this show has repeatedly teased the audience with the idea that Tom or Lynette will or did cheat on each other. So if I'm basing this on past experience, it will turn out to be something else, like maybe he borrowed money or kissed her or freaked out the night before the wedding. My sister even went as far as to say that if it was a sexual relationship, it happened before Tom and Lynette were together. Basically, I refuse to flip out before I have to, especially since it can't possibly be worse than the whole illegitimate child plot. Though, speaking of that, hasn't Tom learned by now that it's much worse to keep this kind of crap a secret?

At the hospital, Carlos walks up to the same nurse who antagonized Gaby earlier and asks if she's seen his wife. The nurse says that Gaby is in the cafeteria, but asks him to sign some release forms before he leaves. Carlos notices the ripped form and inquires about it, and of course nursie can't keep her big mouth shut. She actually tells Carlos that Gaby flipped out when she heard her daughter's blood type. At that moment, Gaby walks in, just as Carlos says, "Gaby did this? I need you to tell me exactly what happened!" Before the nurse can blurt it out, Gaby says, "Oh crap," and draws Carlos' attention. Hilariously, she actually runs away from him, screaming that it's not her fault because she has a disorder. She's slowed by two guys wheeling out a body (she actually gives a little shriek that is so funny), and Carlos manages to catch her. Anxiously, Gaby babbles out an explanation that makes little sense, and Carlos realizes the gig is up.

I love the way this next little scene is done. Carlos takes Gaby into the next room while the camera remains outside, filming them through the window. Without hearing anything, we see Carlos tell Gaby the truth. Gaby breaks down, repeatedly hitting Carlos arm and sobbing before she collapses in his arms. Heartbreaking. Then Mary Alice comes back in: "There are certain types of pain that can't be treated in a hospital, so those who are suffering do what they can to heal themselves."

Bree stands and watches Keith talk about wood as Mary Alice goes on to say, "Some cure the ache of loneliness by making new friends." Then we cut to Susan and Mike, making jewelry and counting money respectively. "Some soothe their excruciating guilt with an infusion of cash." Over at casa de creepy, Paul hands Beth a rose. "Some alleviate their burning desire with small acts of kindness." Finally, we end with Gaby, who sits crying next to a sleeping Juanita. "But sadly, there will always be those who can't begin to heal because they realize there is more pain yet to come."

Well that was a very solid episode, though really it ended just as sadly as the first episode did. There's really an undertone of heartbreak to this season. I'd give this one an A-. Susan's plot is completely ridiculous, and I feel like the writers are being a little repetitive with Bree and Lynette (although I did enjoy parts of those plots), but they are hitting Gaby and Carlos out of the park so far this season. And I'm still enjoying the mystery far more than I thought I ever would. So kudos to the writers for that. Until next week...