Charmed ficlets

After losing interest in my original pre-Charmed epic fic, I started a new version that would follow Patty through her pregnancy with each of the girls. I never got very far, but here are the excerpts I wrote from Victor and Patty's wedding.

Nine Months

January 1970

The invitations were homemade, written in Patty's loopy handwriting.


Her mother and grandmother made all the food. With only sixteen guests a caterer was unnecessary.


They decided to marry in Victor's spacious backyard; he spent most of the day before hanging paper lanterns throughout the yard.


Though it was old-fashioned, Patty decided to wear her mother's wedding dress. Inexplicably, the feel of stiff fabric against her skin made her feel closer to her father.


Those were the wedding plans.


Victor had been surprised, she knew. After she'd accepted his proposal they'd lain in bed together and she had whispered simplistic thoughts in the morning light. "I've never wanted a big wedding. Just my family and my close friends. Then it's more personal, you know?"


"I want whatever you want, Patty. Just say the word."


She had kissed him then and smiled. "And sooner rather than later."


"I'm completely on board with that!"


Standing in Victor's sister's old bedroom, looking at herself in a full-length mirror, Patty felt the same mixture of emotion churning inside of her that she had felt that morning. There was excitement and wonder and some starry-eyed romantic cliche about love. Yet at the same time that undertow of fear sucking her down: too fast, too fast, too fast.


Everything about her relationship with Victor was fast-paced, and slow, methodical Patty still felt lightheaded and caught up in the wild ride. She'd only known Victor for six months, but that time felt stretched out and prolonged by the depth of her feeling for him. The first time she'd seen Victor was when he'd entered the little book store where she worked. Not being one to squander potential when she saw it--especially since she didn't get to college, still lived at home with her mother, and didn't have a stupendously active social life--Patty hadn't been opposed to flirting with the young, attractive man who didn't look particularly apt to pick up a book.


"I saw you from outside," he later confessed. "And I just knew I had to meet you."


The whirlwind simply escalated from there.


Patty loved how contrary they were. Victor was sharp where she was soft. He was out to prove something to himself, his parents, the world, while Patty was more content with the status quo of her life. She knew who she was. She knew what she was meant to do and always seemed to have known. Her mother had raised her on that knowledge. Finding someone who had questions about everything and anything had been such a turn-on.


He loved easily where she had more trouble. Perhaps this was the characteristic she loved most in her soon-to-be-husband. Victor's parents, somewhat distant, had left Victor with a hole he constantly sought to fill. Never in her life had Patty met someone who needed her in that way and though she had been overwhelmed by the grandiose nature of this need at first she had soon grown to love her role. She could fill the empty spaces inside of Victor without question.


Yes, when he had proposed she'd gone with her gut and said no. That ever-present undercurrent of too soon, too soon, too soon had been swifter than her heart that day. When the fates conspired, though, they did so in big ways. Her aunt--really her distant cousin--had died only days afterwards and left Patty her journals, complete with a true story of how her grandmother had missed out on true love. After talking with her grandmother, Patty knew: love was once in a lifetime; you couldn't let it pass you by.


So here she stood, nearly overwhelmed by the love and happiness that burned inside of her; at the thought that she finally had a new adventure and a destiny that hadn't been laid out for her from birth. These thoughts were nearly enough to quash her doubts; the too soon, too soon, too soon.


____________________________________________________________________


"Congratulations to both of you." Sylvia Bennett grimaced more than smiled at Patty and Victor as she said the words. She stood with one hand on her husband's shoulder, the other clasping a flute of champagne. Neither Patty nor Victor was overly fond of the drink, but Sylvia had insisted. A quaint, backyard wedding was not what she had envisioned for her son. Patty may have been able to literally freeze time, but surely Sylvia could do more damage with her icy blue eyes.


"Well thanks, Mom," said Victor dryly.


"I'm sure you'll be as happy as we've been."


Without meaning to, Patty's eyes flickered to Ivan, trying to gauge his reaction to his wife's words. He remained as stony-faced as she'd ever seen him. Victor took after his father in looks, but he had an ease and charm about him that Patty doubted Ivan had ever possessed. For a brief moment she wondered if Sylvia and Ivan could even pretend to be happy anymore.


Patty, your manners. The sound of her father's voice in her head jarred Patty from her contemplation and she looked back at Sylvia. "Thank you, Sylvia. And thank you so much for letting us have the wedding here. It couldn't have been more beautiful."


"Well for what you aspired to, I'm sure that's true."


Abruptly, Ivan wheeled away from the scene, leaving Sylvia's hand to drop ineffectually to her side. Victor looked after him for a moment and Patty squeezed the arm she had wrapped around his torso more tightly against him. Go ahead, she though, and Victor seemed to read her mind, heading off after his father. Patty kept her eyes on him as he walked away, and scarcely acknowledged when Sylvia said, "If you'll excuse me," a moment later.


"Please tell me you didn't meet her before the wedding." Susan Lark, Patty's best friend since high school, crept up behind her and looped an arm through Patty's. "She is an ice queen if I've ever met one. I can't believe you would knowingly choose her as a mother-in-law."


"I didn't choose her. I chose Victor."


"They're a package deal. You can't just pick and choose his family."


"It's not like we're going to be living with her, Sue."


"If she has her way you'll be gone by next Christmas."


"Then she obviously doesn't know much about how stubborn I am."


Susan continued to chuckle even as Patty's mother approached, looking like a Fury. "That woman," Penny hissed, merely increasing Susan's humor. "I've met people like her before. Thinks she owns the world!"


"Mom."


"Oh, Patty, hush. As if you and Susan weren't talking about her too. I'll tell you right now, you make a stand at the beginning of your marriage or else she'll walk all over you."


"What do you know about it, Mom? Dad's parents were dead when you got married."


"That's besides the point! I know what I'm talking about here. Ask Susan."


Susan grinned and nodded. "In my experience, Patty--"


"Shut up, Sue." Patty sighed. "Can we talk about something else on the happiest day of my life?"


For a second, Patty could physically feel both her mother and Susan restrain from comment. Neither of them had been ecstatic when Patty had first announced the engagement. Susan had always expected Patty to end up in college with her, although she had understood why Patty felt the need to put things on hold after her father died. Patty knew this permanent end to that idea had Susan more put-out than she cared to admit. Her mother, possibly unlike any other mother in the world, just didn't seem to like the idea of her daughter marrying. Still, they were trying. Kind of.


"What's your song?" Susan asked after a moment. "Please tell me you're not going to dance to something super sappy. I will be forced to intervene."


"'I'll Never Fall in Love Again,'" said Patty dryly. Susan snorted.


"No dear, that's my song," said Penny.


Susan smirked. "Last I heard that wasn't true, Mrs. Halliwell." Patty pinched her. "Ow! Don't make a fuss! You're the one who told me."


Penny shrugged a shoulder. "I don't kiss and tell."


"Thank God," said Patty under her breath.


"Okay. Enough, enough, enough. Let's get some dancing going. I want to dance." Susan grabbed Patty's hand and twirled her around. "Where's that husband of yours anyway?"


"He's--"


"Look, you go get him and I'll get the music started. Come on, Mrs. H."


Patty watched for a moment as her mother and Susan walked away and then headed in the direction she had watched Victor go earlier. Night had fully set in, but the yard was well-lit and Patty didn't stumble as she made her way across the lawn. Still, she was nearly ten feet away before she spotted Victor alone underneath a rather large tree.


"Where'd your father go?"


Victor shrugged. "Inside? To bed? Who knows."


"Are you okay?"


There was a pause, just enough time for Patty to grasp Victor's hand and squeeze, and then he said, "Yeah, I'm great."


"Susan's starting up the music. Do you want to dance?"


"Yes."


And just then the love theme from Romeo and Juliet filtered through the backyard. Victor laughed and Patty rolled her eyes.


"I'm going to kill Susan."

Desperate Housewives Recap: "Pilot"

I first heard about Desperate Housewives in 2004, just like everyone else, but unlike most other people I dismissed the show without viewing it, assuming it was nothing but trite drama. I never even caught it by accident because at the time I was at the height of my Charmed obsession and Sunday nights were reserved for a different set of P-named siblings. Then one day last March I left Lifetime on after an episode of Frasier ended and stumbled into the world of Desperate Housewives. Within three minutes, I set aside my laptop to focus on the TV; about ten minutes in I was hooked. Thus began a two week marathon of the first four and a half seasons and a subsequent obsession that I'm still dealing with ten months later. To be frank, this is my favorite show of all time.

So what better way to start off this blog than with a recap of the episode that started it all for me (and I'm sure so many others). Without further ado, I present:

Season One, Episode One: "Pilot"

A camera pans down over a bright, sunny street bustling with an unusual amount of activity for a cul-de-sac. A school bus drives by and people roam the street in an odd flurry of morning activity. Over the deceptively cheerful music, a woman steps onto her front stoop and introduces herself via voiceover: "My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week." Could she be referring to how oddly busy Wisteria Lane is? Personally I've never seen my own street this busy, and I live two doors up from a Catholic church.

Mary Alice goes on to explain that her very normal life took an odd turn last Thursday. As the future will show Mary Alice is apt to do, she leads into a series of shots that prove just how ordinary the day began. I bet Mary Alice was great at writing English essays in high school--she's all about using examples to back up her points. She starts by showing her normal breakfast with her normal husband and son. This leads to her usual chores, projects and errands. "In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day: quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection," Mary Alice sums up.

Then--because if Mary Alice has one defining characteristic, it's turning everything upside-down--she explains that after all of her routine activities were complete, she went to the hall closet, got out a gun, and blew her brains out.

Mary Alice goes on to explain that her body was discovered by her neighbor, Martha Huber. Good ol' Martha's curiosity was raised by the mysterious bang from Mary Alice's house so she immediately found an excuse to go butt into Mary Alice's business (in this case, returning a blender). Strange that on such a busy street, no one but Mrs. Huber apparently heard the gunshot or cared to investigate. Martha scurries over to Mary Alice's and and impatiently rings the doorbell more than once. When no one answers, she spies through the window and spots the corpse rotting on the floor. Immediately, Martha runs home and dials 911. With that quirk of irony she loves so, Mary Alice tells us that for a moment Martha actually contemplated the senseless tragedy of her death. Then with relish she rips the "Property of Mary Alice Young" label off of the blender and rejoices in the fortune suicide brings those in need.

In a rare display (for the first season, at least), the opening credits are reduced to the simple shot of the tree with the title overlapping.

Mary Alice comes right back to talk about her post-funeral shindig. People flock to the Youngs' house dressed in their finest black and Mary Alice takes the opportunity to introduce us to her friends and neighbors. And of course, since Mary Alice loves her themes, she uses food as an introductory device.

First up is Lynette Scavo, who is bringing fried chicken to the wake. Mary Alice tells us that Lynette has a great family recipe for fried chicken, but in the past she never had time to make it. She was too busy ball-busting her way to the top at work. This came to a screeching halt when Lynette found out that she was pregnant and her husband Tom suggested that she quit work to stay home with the kids. Given all subsequent knowledge about Lynette's character, it's kind of surprising that she didn't punch Tom in the nose when he said this. Although I like to think of it as proof that as much as she complains about it and sometimes hates it, Lynette really did have some desire to be a stay-at-home mom; when has she ever done anything on this show if she hasn't decided that it's a good idea?

Mary Alice goes on to say that Tom, as usual, was wrong and that staying home with the kids has made Lynette so stressed and busy that she now has to purchase her fried chicken from a fast food joint. As she says this the camera pulls back to show that Lynette has not one, but four children: three boys and a baby. The boys push and shove each other as they walk down the street and Lynette cuts in front of them to put a stop to their arguing. She tells them that if they don't behave, she'll call Santa and tell him that they want socks for Christmas. Because Lynette never half-asses anything, she even pulls a slip of paper out of her dress that has Santa's phone number written on it. The boys look shocked and quickly agree to behave.

The camera shoots down the street so Mary Alice can introduce Gabrielle Solis, who is bringing payaya to the wake. Gaby saunters out of her house towards her husband, Carlos, and Mary Alice gives a quick background on how they met. As a fashion model in New York, Gaby acquired a taste for rich men: cue Carlos, who wined and dined his way into Gaby's heart. He even popped the question on their third date, crying as he always did when he closed a big deal; that alone speaks volumes about Gaby and Carlos' early relationship.

Gaby hands off the payaya to Carlos and Mary Alice uses the food as a spiffy metaphor to explain that Carlos and Gaby's marriage is on the fritz. As they walk down the street, Carlos tells Gaby to brag to someone about how expensive her necklace is. Said necklace is totally fab, by the way, and if I had a rich, rude husband, I'd expect the same sort of gift. Gaby protests that there's no way that would be a natural part of the conversation, though I have to say that Gaby as of late would totally squeeze it in without Carlos' prompt. Carlos goes on to harass her by saying that at a previous party Gaby managed to let everyone know she slept with half the Yankees outfielders. They start to get snippy and raise their voices until Carlos finally chastises Gaby's tone and she agrees to keep it down so no one will realize they're not happy.

This abruptly cuts to Bree Van de Kamp, who is already at the Youngs' front door with her family. In what will become one of my favorite ongoing character quirks, Bree has brought baskets of muffins to the wake. Mary Alice tells us that Bree is known for her cooking, sewing, gardening and upholstering, among other domestic talents and that everyone in the neighborhood thinks of her as the perfect wife and mother. Except for her family.

Bree walks up to the Youngs and supplies their names: Paul and Zachary. She goes on to say how sorry she is about Mary Alice and explains why she has two baskets of muffins: one for the guests and one for Paul and Zach. All the while, Bree's husband and kids stand behind her rolling their eyes and making exasperated faces. Bree goes on and on about how the Youngs must be prostrate with grief while Paul nods along, clearly just eager to get his hands on the muffins and send Bree away. This makes it all the more hilarious when she punctuates her speech by telling Paul she'll need her baskets back. Her husband looks on, horrified.

Finally we cut to Susan Mayer (pronounced May-er instead of My-er as it is later), coming out of her house with her daughter and a tray of macaroni and cheese that she can't manage to keep covered with aluminum foil. Mary Alice really picks up her food-parallels-life thread here in order to explain Susan's marriage to Karl, who always teased her about her macaroni and cheese because she never made it well. It was too salty when she and Karl moved in (here Julie is shown as a toddler); too watery when she discovered lipstick on Karl's shirt (Julie is now about eight or nine--younger than I remembered her being at this junction); and it was burned when Karl left her for his secretary. Mary Alice says that in the year since Susan's divorce, she's begun to think how nice it would be to have another man in her life. If we're realistic here, though, we know that Susan probably started thinking that about a day after Karl left.

Julie interrupts Susan's hopes to land a man by asking her why someone would kill herself, particularly someone who seemed as happy as Mary Alice. Obviously Susan really doesn't know because it's hard to tell what people are really thinking and feeling, and she basically tells Julie this. I guess she gets a few points for honesty. And if I'm honest, I'll admit that in the first few episodes, I genuinely liked Susan. Julie goes on to relate this to Karl's girlfriend, who acts nice but is actually a bitch, and Susan agrees that it's a perfect example.

Inside the Youngs' house, Susan ditches her mac and cheese and her daughter to go find her friends, all of whom have sat down in Mary Alice's breakfast nook. There's even an empty fifth chair where Mary Alice would have sat, as we see a moment later when Susan falls victim to a flashback.

In said flashback, the girls are sitting around the table just as they are in the present, comforting Susan, who Karl has just left. Susan tells the girls about what Karl said when he left (that it was just sex; that men live lives of quiet desperation, etc.). Unsurprisingly, Lynette asks if Susan punched him (she didn't), but she did have a witty comeback: "And what do most women lead; lives of noisy fulfillment?" The girls congratulate her on this (although you know that Lynette still secretly wishes there had been some physical violence; most likely Gaby's thinking the same thing too).

Susan goes on to lament that the worst part is that Karl had to be cliche and do it with his secretary, who Susan even had over for brunch. I assume she had it delivered, but I suppose it would be delightfully ironic if the secretary had been forced to eat her food. Bree tells the girls that this--adultery--was half the reason she joined the NRA: "Well when Rex started going to those medical conferences I wanted in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home with a loaded Smith and Wesson."

In a rare moment, Mary Alice calls Lynette "Lynnie" and asks her if she ever worries about Tom, since he's away on business so often. "Oh please," says Lynette, "the man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else." Everyone laughs, knowing that the true hilarity is that Lynette would gladly castrate Tom if he even entertained the idea of an affair.

The mood goes down again as Susan tears up, noting that she's not sure that she'll survive what's happening with Karl. Mary Alice reaches out to Susan and says, "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on that's when we find out how strong we really are." The dynamic of the group is really interesting with Mary Alice's presence; she really was the voice of reason among the drama.

Back in the present, Bree shakes Susan out of her revelry to tell her that Paul asked the girls to come over and go through Mary Alice's things that Friday since he can't bear to do it himself. Susan agrees, but then admits to the girls that she's angry with Mary Alice for not coming to them if she was having a problem. "What kind of problems could she have had?" asks Gaby, somewhat naively. "She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family...her life was..."

"Our life," Lynette astutely picks up. Gaby continues to insist that they would have seen warning signs, but Susan points out that something must have been going on if Mary Alice killed herself. The girls contemplate the truthfulness of these words--and of their own problems--as the camera pans over to a nefarious-looking Paul, who is eavesdropping.

Some time later, Susan walks back to the table where she abandoned her mac and cheese and warns a man who has taken a generous helping that he shouldn't eat it. The man doesn't listen and eats a big bite, then quickly takes Susan up on her proffered napkin to spit the food back out. Lovely. Little does he know that this will be the first of many, many times that he invites Susan's drama into his life. He introduces himself as Mike Delfino, the new neighbor, and Susan lights up like a firefly at the prospect of fresh man-meat right across the street. Mike provides a little exposition--Susan is a children's book illustrator and he's a plumber--and they grin stupidly at one another. Gently, Susan picks up her mac and cheese and goes to dispose of the toxic remains.

In another room, Lynette is nursing her baby when Mrs. Huber rushes in to ask her if she knows what her boys are up to. Lynette snaps to attention with a knowing, horrified look, and the scene cuts to outside where the boys are swimming in the Youngs' pool. "What are you doing?" she demands as she rushes over to the pool. In the background, anonymous people stare and whisper about what is going on. One of the twins protests that Lynette told them they could go in the pool, but Lynette emphasizes that she said by the pool. Ah the importance of prepositions. Things go from bad to worse when Lynette realizes the boys wore their swimsuits under their clothes, clearly planning the entire debacle. She demands they get out of the pool and they refuse, stubbornly crossing their arms and declaring that she can't make them do anything. Obviously these kids are underestimating their mom.

Furious and embarrassed, Lynette hands the baby off to the minister standing nearby and climbs right into the pool, not even bothering to take off her heels. She drags the boys out, and soaking wet takes back her baby. As result of the racket, Paul has come outside, and Lynette approaches him, calmly pushing her wet hair out of her eyes and saying, "Paul, we have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss." Then Lynette leaves, her boys trailing behind her like they're playing some absurd version of follow the leader.

Paul, however, is unperturbed by the events. Mary Alice says that this is because he has more important things going on beneath the surface.

Commercial.

The next morning, Wisteria Lane is much calmer as a lone boy pedals down the street delivering the newspaper. Mary Alice backs up my theory that her suicide wasn't the only unusual activity going on last week when she points out that things are back to normal on the Lane. As proof, she glimpses into each of the girls' homes: Lynette tries to serve breakfast while her sons fight viciously over a cereal box; Bree scrubs her toilet with a fervor usually reserved for angry mobs; Gaby practices yoga on her front porch; and Julie "does [her] homework." This is also known as scoping out her mom's potential new squeeze: she hightailed it over to Mike's to retrieve a soccer ball. Back home, Julie reports to Susan that Mike moved to the Lane from LA after his wife died and is only renting until he can afford to buy. Later it will be relieved that not one of these things is true. Well, maybe the LA part, I have no way to prove that. But Mike has rented the entire time he's been on his own on the Lane, and his mysterious first wife is never mentioned again after episode two. More on that later.

Susan says that she can't believe Julie went over to Mike's to investigate, though she's secretly salivating at the dirt and Julie knows it. She encourages Susan to go in for the kill since they know Mike is single now. "Julie," says Susan, "I like Mr. Delfino. I do. I just don't know if I'm ready to start dating yet." This is a prime example of why I liked Susan at the very beginning of this show; it was before I knew that she'll jump at any good-looking guy who gives her the time of day so long as it means she's not alone.

Julie points out that Susan needs to get back in the game--something I'm sure she'll regret later--and even goes so far as to ask Susan when was the last time she had sex. It's an odd thing for a thirteen-year-old to say to her mom; even Susan thinks so as she tells Julie that she no longer wants to discuss her love life. In an act of manipulation, Julie says that she wouldn't have said anything except that Karl and his new honey have been laughing about Susan being single for so long behind her back. This is enough to rile Susan, so she quickly grabs a potted plant and hustles over to Mike's, even showing a little skin to catch his eye.

Mike answers the door decked out in what I'm sure GQ named the hottest attire for the hard-working plumber and thanks Susan for being the first in the neighborhood to bring him a welcome gift. Given that we subsequently find that the girls descend like vultures the minute someone new moves in, I'm guessing that Mary Alice's sudden death hindered their manners. Mary Alice lets us know that Susan feels lucky that she got to Mike first, which naturally leads to the introduction of Edie Britt.

This might be my favorite introduction ever on the show. The music jazzes up and the camera goes to slow-motion as Edie runs up towards Mike carrying what looks to be a casserole (way to tie your intros together, Mary Alice). Mary Alice says that Edie is a well-known man-predator and offers a list of Edie's conquests as proof: a handyman; a tennis player--or instructor?--and even a man of the cloth. Clearly, Edie gets around and now she's come to set her claws into Mike, something neither Mary Alice or Susan even pretend might not be true.

Mike politely dismisses the girls, claiming he's in the middle of something, and as they walk away Susan wonders if the war over Mike will be fair. Of course, since she and Edie are involved I don't know why she even entertains the thought that it might be a fair fight. Edie proves this by turning around and asking Mike to take a look at her pipes later. Mike agrees and Susan gets huffy.

Meanwhile, Gaby is arguing with Carlos about a business party he expects her to attend. She doesn't want to go because Carlos' business partner, a man called Tanaka, always tries to grab her ass. Unruffled, Carlos shows the world what a gem he is as he tells Gaby: "I made over two hundred thousand doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him." Sweet. Carlos leaves, but not without first yelling at his teenage gardener, John, for not transplanting a bush he told him to move last week. Since she always wants the last word, Gaby follows Carlos outside and yells at him some more, but smarmy Carlos just makes another reference to her expensive diamond necklace and again asks if she'll agree to go to the business function. In a non-sequitor, Gaby orders John into the house to get a bandage for the finger he cut a few moments before and as he passes between Carlos and Gaby they both give him a keen appraisal. It's odd on Carlos' part because at this point John is nothing more than his gardener. Once John is inside, Gaby agrees to go to the party, but swears she's keeping her back against the wall the whole time. Carlos smiles, satisfied with this compromise, and heads off to work.

Back in the house, John has just finished putting on a Band-aid when Gaby come up and asks how his finger is. John says it's fine, but Gaby takes the opportunity to make out with his knuckle and that quickly upgrades to full-fledged kissing. For a second, John pulls back and hesitates, sputtering about needing the job more than needing to continue to hook up with Gaby. Then she takes off her shirt and tells John to have sex with her on Carlos' $23,000 table right in front of the window that looks out onto the Lane. How Martha Huber never discovered Gaby's affair is a complete mystery. Table sex with Gaby is enough of an enticement for John, and he and Gaby begin to make out again.

At a much less gaudy table, the Van de Kamps have sat down to dinner. Danielle, Bree's daughter, immediately kicks off the meal by complaining that Bree never makes "normal" soup like French onion. This serves as a device for Bree to say that Rex is allergic to onions. Of course that's not Danielle's point and she sighs. Bree changes the subject to the osso buco she made and her son, Andrew, lackadaisically mentions that it's "okay." Since Bree spent three hours slaving over the meal, this assessment is not good enough. Andrew mentions that no one asked her to spend so long making dinner, pointing out that his friend's mom gets home from work and makes pork and beans for dinner. The conflict escalates over Bree's horror of the mere suggestion of pork and beans, and Danielle begs Andrew to drop it so she doesn't have to listen to them fight. Interesting that Danielle was eager to avoid conflict early on in the show. Andrew doesn't listen and continues to bait Bree.

"Are you doing drugs?" Bree demands, noting that changes in behavior indicate a drug problem. As absurd as this question seems in the context of their conversation, it's funny with the future knowledge that Andrew is, in fact, smoking pot. Andrew insists that he's not the one with the problem and Bree turns to Rex to ask him to intervene on her behalf. Rex's response: "Pass the salt." Bree frowns, clearly appalled by her husband, and Danielle passes the salt.

Commercials.

When the show returns, Mary Alice announces that is has been three days since her funeral as the camera pans across the aisles of a grocery store. I suppose that makes this Thursday, although this show has such bad time continuity that it could actually be another Monday. Mary Alice says that Lynette has replaced her grief over Mary Alice's passing with indignation that her husband Tom isn't home. In fact, Lynette is on the phone while shopping with the kids, threatening to join Tom on his business trip if he doesn't call her back by noon. Which begs the question: why aren't the twins in school on this fine Thursday morning? I'm sure Lynette would feel less harried if she'd sent them to school that day, because while she's badgering Tom with this fifth message, the twins run off with a second shopping cart. Her other son, Parker, tries to get her attention, but by the time she turns around the twins have vanished. "Where are your brothers?" Lynette asks exasperatedly.

The next shot is of one twin pushing the other in a cart down an aisle of junk food while the twin in the cart pulls candy off of the shelves. Now off the phone, Lynette is subtly scouring the store for her kids, probably hoping she'll find them before she hears screaming. Unfortunately for Lynette, she runs into an old co-worker, Natalie, who I can only assume is at the grocery store to pick up some cigs and cheap booze; why else wouldn't she be at work on a Thursday morning? This whole scene would make much more sense if Lynette had simply told Tom to call her back by six instead of noon. But like I said, this show has fantastic time issues.

Natalie and Lynette agree that it's been years since they've seen one another, and then Natalie rubs salt in Lynette's wounds by pointing out that if she hadn't quit she'd certainly be running the firm by now. Lynette has no comeback for this--in fact, she can't even look Natalie in the eye--and it only gets worse when Natalie says, "How's domestic life? Don't you just love being a mom?"

Mary Alice butts in at this point to say that Lynette always dreads this question, which is clear from the look on her face, and then says that Lynette responds as she always does when asked: with a lie. "It's the best job I've ever had," Lynette says, complete with a forced smile. And with perfect timing, the twins reappear at that moment by running their shopping cart into a woman and knocking her to the ground.

Back at Gaby's, she and John are lying in a post-coital haven of mid-afternoon sex (as evidenced by the school bus driving by; I wonder if Tom called Lynette back in time). Gaby lights up a cigarette and John asks her why she married Mr. Solis. "Well, he promised to give me everything I ever wanted," says Gaby. But Gaby is still unhappy because it turns out that she wanted all of the wrong things. John asks her if she loves Carlos and Gaby says that she does. "Then why are we doing this?" asks John. "Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out." Ah, there's the Gaby I know and love; crude to the last. John asks her for a drag of her cigarette and Gaby coyly says that he's too young to smoke. They kiss.

It's night now, and Susan is in her kitchen checking herself out in the reflection of her window. She asks Julie if she'd mind if she uses her child support payments for plastic surgery and Julie rolls her eyes. Apparently, Susan has decided to ask Mike out and her nerves are getting the better of her. She tries to put off going over to his house by talking to Julie about her school project--a model Trojan horse made out of Popsicle sticks--but Julie isn't having it and kicks her out of the house.

Mike answers his door and seems genuinely happy to see Susan, especially when she starts babbling. Before she can pull it together and get to the point, Edie walks up next to Mike and gives Susan a knowing look. It turns out that Edie brought Mike dinner. While most of the girls the Lane--maybe even all of them--would still ask Mike for a date, flustered Susan claims she has a clog and asks for Mike's help. This leads to the first of many awkward Susan predicaments, as Mike says he'll be right over to fix it. The music becomes frantic as Susan flees the scene and the next shot is of her and Julie desperately cramming hair, olives, and other items down their kitchen sink. Nothing works, and when Mike knocks on the door, Susan has no choice but to cram some of Julie's Popsicle sticks down the drain.

Minutes later, Mike is under the sink, astutely diagnosing Susan's clog as the result of Popsicle sticks. Susan claims she's told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen. For some reason, Mike accepts that a thirteen-year-old would be dumb enough to do this as Julie shoots her mom a dirty look from her crouched position on the stairs.

Exterior shot of the Saddle Ranch Chop House. Take a moment to revel in the idea that Bree is there for dinner. Being Bree, she tries to make the best of a bad situation, but is again left without back-up when Rex gives the kids permission to go play video games. Bree gives Rex a brittle smile and claims she's not mad about coming to the restaurant. As she begins to ramble about what she'll make for dinner tomorrow, Rex pops her bubble by announcing that he wants a divorce. "I just can't live in this detergent commercial anymore," he says.

Bree holds herself together and tells Rex that she's going to the salad bar to get him a salad. There she runs into Martha Huber, who nosily asks how Bree is doing. Bree lies and says that she's great. While distracted by Martha, there is a shot of her piling onions onto Rex's plate. Back at the table, she hands the salad off to Rex, who has no qualms about digging right in while Bree skillfully attacks the bread with a knife. "Are we gonna talk about what I said?" he asks through a mouthful of leafy greens. Bree gives him an incredulous look and responds, "If you think I'm going to discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled 'chicks' and 'dudes' you're out of your mind." At this moment, the onions catch up to Rex and he collapses even as he and Bree fight over whether or not she put onions in the salad.

Back at the Youngs', Zach wakes up to the sound of digging outside. He goes out to investigate and finds Paul hacking apart the concrete at the bottom of the pool.

Commercials.

After this break, Mary Alice says that it has now been seven days since her funeral and life is finally back to normal. Since Mary Alice told us that things were back to normal the day after her funeral, I wonder why she feels the need to reiterate that now. Regardless, she reminds us that normal is unfortunate for some of her friends, in this instance, Lynette, whose baby has just flung strained peaches at her.

One of the twins runs into the house and calls for Lynette, who looks exasperated, but perks up when her child announces that Tom is home. For the first time in the episode, Lynette lights up as Tom walks through the door with a child in each arm like some triumphant super hero. Lynette picks up the baby and goes to greet Tom, tearful over the unexpectedness of her huaband's arrival. He plants a kiss on Lynette and mentions that he's only home for a day--he has to go back to 'Frisco in the morning--but this doesn't stop the boys from asking if he's brought them presents. Tom pulls out a football that delights the boys and then negotiates that he'll only give them the ball if they go outside and practice throwing for twenty minutes. The boys promise and scurry out the door.

Cut to the Scavos' bedroom, where Tom carries Lynette into the room and dumps her on the bed, grinning down at her even as Lynette protests that he has to be kidding. "Sorry, baby, I gotta have you," says Tom as he takes off his suit jacket. Lynette asks if he minds if she just lies there and Tom has no problem with that. She giggles and tells him that she loves him and he kisses her again, clearly eager to get started before the boys get bored with their distraction...ahem, present. Before he can even unbutton his pants, however, Lynette stops him to say that he needs to put on a condom since her doctor took her off of the pill. Tom scoffs and says, "A condom? What's the big deal? Let's risk it." Lynette gives Tom a quick opportunity to take it back, but when he doesn't she socks him right in the jaw. Groaning, Tom rolls off of Lynette to the other side of the bed and she smacks him with a stuffed animal.

At the hospital, Rex lies in a bed with Bree at his side as he laments that he can't believe his wife tried to kill him. "Yes, well, I feel badly about that," says Bree. She explains that it was a mistake and Rex uses that as a segue to accuse her of being too perfect. He asks what happened to the Bree that used to burn toast and drink milk out of the carton. Did Rex suffer a blow to the head when he fell? I have a hard time believing that Bree ever did either of those things. Since Bree's philosophy in life is to not show emotion, she excuses herself to go get water for a vase of flowers. In the bathroom she breaks down crying, but when she emerges a few minutes later she is perfectly composed, right down to a brilliant smile.

Outside the Solises' home, Carlos is in a tuxedo, inspecting the grass. Gaby comes outside in a gorgeous pink gown, but seems unconcerned by the fact that Carlos is crouched in the grass. I like that Carlos has chosen a tie to match Gabrielle's dress. He asks if John was there today and then gets angry over the fact that the grass was not mowed and insists that they need a new gardener. When Gaby asks why he calls her stupid and reiterates that the lawn wasn't mowed. Gaby insists that it was and rolls her eyes when Carlos tells her to feel the grass. They head off to the party.

At the party, Gaby bribes a waiter to keep alcohol in Carlos' hand at all times throughout the night. He happily agrees and a moment later, Gaby is back in her car, returning home to cut the grass. The scene that results is a hilarious tableau of Gaby mowing the lawn in her evening dress and heels, spitting out grass and fumbling with the lawn mower. When she returns to the party, Carlos is still drinking with Tanaka, unaware that she disappeared.

The next morning, Carlos comes outside and inspects the grass again, perplexed to find it freshly cut. From the balcony of their bedroom, Gaby breaths a sigh of relief.

Commercials.

Susan is at the supermarket where she runs into Martha Huber, who is out shopping for medicine to take care of her upset stomach. Eight days after the funeral she's still having problems due to some bad macaroni and cheese she had. Susan looks sheepish. Martha gossips that Edie's son is spending the night because Edie is having a man over to her place. Of course Susan is devastated, thinking that Edie has managed to land Mike, and she storms away.

Back at home, Susan laments her problems to Julie, who agrees with Susan's assessment that Mike and Edie are "doing it." Susan can't let this lie, so she takes a measuring cup and heads over to Edie's on the pretense of borrowing sugar. When Edie doesn't respond to Susan's knock at the door, Susan just lets herself in. The living room is covered in candles, chocolates and clothes, and from upstairs come the sounds of Edie in the throes of passion. Susan drops her measuring cup, tosses Edie's bra over her shoulder, knocking over a candle, and sinks to the couch in defeat. She helps herself to a chocolate as behind her Edie's curtains catch fire. When Susan realizes what she did, she makes some half-assed attempts to put out the fire, but as the smoke alarm goes off and she hears Edie realize what's going on, she flees the scene.

Outside the fire department tries to put out the blaze at Edie's house while the neighbors stand around gawking. Fortunately, Edie got out in time and as the camera settles on the girls, Lynette tells the others that Edie's paramour is at the hospital with smoke inhalation. Susan looks guilty. The other ladies remind Susan that Edie's strong and will survive what happened, and then they turn towards their husbands and head home. For some reason or other, Tom is still there; I guess he missed his flight. Susan stands alone, staring at Edie's house, when Mike approaches and asks her what happened. Turns out that he wasn't with Edie; he was at the movies. Triumphant, and completely over the fact that she just set Edie's house on fire, Susan tells Mike that everything is fine now.

Little does Susan know that Mike has some secret of his own. The music becomes ominous as Mike enters his home and makes a phone call to someone. Mike lets the person on the other end know that he hasn't found anything yet, but that he's getting closer, and hangs up.

The next day, the girls are bringing the last of Mary Alice's things outside. Strange that they were supposed to do this last Friday and here we are on what is presumably Wednesday of the following week. The girls bring out champagne to toast to Mary Alice and the hope that she now has peace. Gaby asks the girls if they checked out Mary Alice's clothes, claiming that Mary Alice was a size eight despite always saying she was a size six. As Gaby whips out some pants, presumably to prove her point, she knocks a letter out of the box that Bree picks up. She hands it to Gabrielle, who immediately opens the letter. "What are you doing? That's private," protests Lynette, but Gaby shrugs her off. The girls pass around the note, which reads: I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell. "What does this mean?" asks Susan. Lynette points out that the envelope is post-marked the day Mary Alice died. The girls are left to wonder what Mary Alice did as the camera pulls away from them, revealing a street that is even more absurdly busy than it was in the opening shot. Welcome to Wisteria Lane.

Welcome

Welcome, readers, to my blog! I can't say it's my first (or even second or third...) but it is one that I actually plan on updating more than a handful of times. Since most readers will probably find me through my fanfiction.net page, I will start out by saying that this will be a place where I'll be posting more fanfic. There is a lot of stuff I start or dabble with that I never actually post online, and my plan is to make this an accessible place for that. I also plan to do some recapping here--primarily of Desperate Housewives, but we'll see what floats my boat. Basically this will be a breeding ground for my love of TV and various shows. I hope that anyone who finds their way here reads something they find enjoyable.

Thanks for stopping by!

Ryeloza