DH recap: Remember Paul

Season Seven, Episode One: "Remember Paul"

Season seven kicks off with a close up of Paul Young. We're in flashback land, and Mary Alice is remembering her husband. "There was a time when my husband and I were very happy," explains Mary Alice as she comes over and gives Paul a smooch. The camera pulls back as Mary Alice reminisces about the good old days, revealing all the neighbors sitting around at a barbecue. They even dug out some of the dearly departed like Rex and Martha Huber. I will say this is a little odd, though, because both Martha and Karen (who is also there) were sort of recluses back in the day. I can't quite imagine them being invited to a cookout. But whatever. I'll go with it.

"Our life was like some kind of suburban dream," says Mary Alice as fake little Scavos run through the picnic. "But the day comes when we all must wake up." For Mary Alice, that was the day she got the infamous threatening note. Yes, the show is giving us a huge recap of the first two seasons. What a waste of five precious minutes for those of us who have been watching all along. She claims that she did what she had to to protect her family, but let's be honest here: if Mary Alice hadn't committed suicide, how would this all have gone down? I mean, would Paul have killed Martha? Would he have gone to jail? Would any of this even matter? It's a big question that will (probably) never be answered. Anyway, so y'all hopefully know that Paul killed Martha and then was framed for her sister's death and ended up in the slammer.

"Years later, a woman was pulled over for speeding," explains Mary Alice. And as they show her getting cuffed, we can see that it's Felicia because of her creepy three-fingered hand. So that's how it was discovered that Felicia was alive and Paul got out of jail. Of course, not one person on Wisteria Lane managed to read about this.

Cut to Paul, spiffing himself up in jail. His lawyer comes in and gives him a "sorry we threw you in jail" check, and is surprised to learn that Paul is going home. He provides more exposition about how none of Paul's neighbors came to visit him, so why would he want to go back there? "No one would blame you if you hated them a little," he says. Paul: "Oh, I don't hate them...a little." Ha!

Anyway, back on Wisteria Lane, Paul comes out of Susan's house and Karen sees him. She's so shocked she drops all her groceries. Mary Alice sums up her little opening by saying that Paul is going to make sure the neighbors never forget him again. Okay, clearly Paul's time in jail made him a little crazy. I mean, I never had the impression that he was that close to his neighbors, so why the sudden obsession? If he should be mad at anyone, I would expect it to be Zach (the one who really left him to rot). Am I overthinking this? Probably.

Wee little credits. Oh how I've missed you.

Cut to a series of ways you can get bad news, courtesy of Mary Alice: a late night phone call; a letter; email; text message; etc. "But some news is so bad it must be delivered in person," she finishes. And that sums up Mary Alice's contribution until the end. Thank you, Mary Alice.

We're at the hospital where that guy from last season (who claimed to know the couple whose baby was switched) is fighting with some big wig who wants him to go deliver the news. He thinks it will be better coming from someone who knows the couple. The guy seriously whines for way too long about being stuck with this job, but big wig tells him to just remain as calm as possible when delivering the news. Sage advice, big wig.

Back on the Lane, Karen is desperately searching for someone to tell about Paul. Bree isn't home, so she finds some random neighbors on the street. The camera then goes inside Gaby's house where she and Bree sit on the couch. Without delay, Bree blurts out the truth: Andrew ran over Juanita. "Oh God!" says Gaby as Bree gives explanations. "This is bad! This is really bad!" gasps Gaby. Bree says she should have told Gaby sooner, but Gaby says she shouldn't have told her at all. "Now I have to tell Carlos and he's going to kill Andrew and then he's going to have to go to prison. So thank you for sending my husband to prison, Bree! Nice work!" Hee! Eva Longoria Parker delivers that in one breath too, making it even funnier.

"I just couldn't live with this secret any longer," says Bree, skipping over all the many, many things that backed her into this corner. "When Orson found out he told me I was a horrible person." Gaby: "That's why you told me? Oh please, we're ALL horrible people!" HAHA! And so true. Bree keeps apologizing and even adds that Orson left her because of this, but Gaby is beyond caring. She's completely obsessed with how she's going to break the news to Carlos. "How am I gonna tell Carlos? He is gonna be so angry! And he'll probably find a way to blame me!" Gaby whines, breaking down in tears and leaning in for a hug. Bree looks stunned--but really, doesn't she know Gaby by now?--but they're interrupted by Karen rapping on the door. "You'll never guess who's back!" she shouts.

Meanwhile, over at the Scavos', the whole family is inside finishing up breakfast. As usual, everyone is whining at Lynette: she didn't run the dishwasher, they're out of milk, she needs to go to the dry cleaners. Lynette, who is holding the new baby, couldn't care less. She tells them all to look at their hands and says that anyone not holding a baby can fend for himself. Okay, I have to pause for a moment to ask what the hell they did to Joshua Logan Moore. He was already dorky on this show (which he SO isn't in real life; seriously, I saw an interview with him and he was really a normal looking kid), but they've taken it to a whole new level. His hair is like this weird orange color and combed really stupidly and he looks like he's going through the most awkward stage of puberty. Also of note: Darcy Rose Byrnes (new Penny) is kind of freakishly pale and creeps me out a little. She better prove to have some merit as new Penny but quick!

Anyway, Lynette sits down at the table and says the days of her being the perfect mom are over. That crap with Eddie must have pushed her over the edge. "And when were those days exactly?" snarks Parker. Of course Lynette gives it right back: "It's my uterus that's worn out, not my hearing." Somehow that comment doesn't elicit even one groan from her kids. Tom, stupidly, asks if she's really not going to help out around the house because "this place is really starting to go to hell" and Lynette growls, "Baby number five! An entire basketball team has come out of me, so I am officially too exhausted to care!" HA! Best line of the episode right there, folks.

The phone rings; Parker answers while Preston snipes at Lynette about his definition of a good mom. Lynette coos at the baby that Preston is about to be beaten, but before anyone can respond to this, Parker pipes up that Renee Perry is on the phone for Lynette. She hands the baby off to Tom while Penny asks who Renee is, leading to yet more expository dialogue (Renee is Lynette's old college friend who is married to Doug Perry, a Yankee ball player, and is rich. Might I add that all of this exposition comes from the boys, who also claim that Lynette's been visiting Renee in New York every few years and that she always comes back in a great mood. How the hell has Penny missed this? I don't understand. It's not like she's new to the family--new actress jokes aside. Whatever.). Lynette hangs up the phone and announces, unhappily, that Renee is coming to visit tomorrow. Immediately the family is put on clean-up duty, though Tom tries to slack off by claiming that now he's holding the baby. Hee! As Lynette rushes to the door with a bag of trash, she opens it to find Karen, Bree and Gaby there to tell her the news about Paul.

The Delfinos arrive at their new apartment. It's small, but not too terribly crappy. MJ enters skeptically and asks if they're poor now. Susan tries to explain that they're not poor and makes some crude jokes about the poor that even MJ knows are lame. Then the super parents try to explain to MJ how they're tight on money but they'll be back home soon thanks to Mike and Susan both working and Susan selling the "really cool" jewelry she's been making. MJ: "Oh God." Yes, kid, you have the lamest parents in the land.

The phone rings. Of course it's Karen, calling to tell her about the return of Paul. Cut to Susan speeding up outside her old house and demanding of the girls (Bree, Gaby and Lynette) where Paul is. They tell her he's in the house (duh). They can't believe Susan rented it to him, but Susan, being the intelligent person she is, didn't even bother to ask who she was renting too. Hilariously, Lynette does this whole, "You didn't even ask for his name?" line as though Susan is a complete moron (she is). Bree glosses over this by wondering how Paul is even out of jail. Conveniently, Paul has popped up right behind them and offers to let them come inside so he can answer the question. Not one of these women hesitates to go inside the house of a man they think is (and actually is) a murderer. As if Lynette hasn't had her share of being trapped in the home of a killer in the past twenty-four hours or so.

Inside the house, Bree exclaims, "Felicia Tillman's alive?!" Paul asks why they're surprised, considering he said it over and over again at his trial. "Oh wait. That's right. None of you could make it to the courthouse," he says in this creepily calm voice. Maybe I'd find this whole revenge plot easier to believe if Paul had seemed to find these women anything but obnoxious in the first two seasons. He goes on to whine about how they never visited him in prison either. Lynette apologizes for the group (no surprise there) and Gaby makes a joke about how they thought Paul was a killer (that doesn't go over so well). Surprisingly, Susan is the one to ask the logical question of why Paul wanted to come back. "Why do you think?" he asks. "I missed my friends." He smiles like the killer he is.

A few minutes later, the girls leave Susan's (Paul's? Pusan's?) and Gaby mentions that Paul Young still gives her the creeps. "I can't believe Paul Young is back on Wisteria Lane," says Lynette. "And he's using my shower," adds Susan. Heh.

As the girls stand on the corner and gossip like old times (really, this is SO reminiscent of season 1), the man who has to break the baby switching news sits in his car watching them. He sighs unhappily and exits his car, heading toward them only to be interrupted by Carlos, who calls him by name (Jack). Jack detours and goes over to Carlos, and we all have to take a moment to completely crack up at Ricardo Antonio Chavira without his facial hair. He looks like he's about twelve and it completely ruins the seriousness of this scene. And truly, it's about to get tragic, because Jack has come to break the news to the Solises. Carlos beckons Gaby over, but she tells him to give her a minute. Jack and Carlos go inside.

Inside, Jack has already broken the news and Carlos is irate. He claims that they still have the bracelet the hospital put on Juanita's ankle when she was born. I was so broken up that it was Juanita. Of course that has more emotional resonance because they audience is attached to her, but it's really heartbreaking. I love that little girl. Jack explains that the nurse had a drinking problem and they didn't know about it until now. Carlos can't believe that he's only finding this out now, eight years later. Well thank God Juanita didn't age any more over the summer. Jack keeps trying to keep the blame off of the hospital, but Carlos isn't having it. He tells Jack that if he goes "all lawyer" on him then he'll put Jack's "head through a wall." Do it, Carlos.

Carlos goes to the window, seriously looking like he's about to fall apart, and stares out at Gaby, Lynette and Bree, who have migrated to Gaby's end of the street. "So where is our...biologi--God! I don't even know what to call her!" I didn't like this scene when it first aired, but I'm enjoying it much more the second time through. I like how Chavira is playing Carlos as all rage with just a hint of how heartbreaking this is; it's very in character for Carlos. Jack says they haven't been able to track down the other family yet, and Carlos instantly says that they're not telling Gaby until they find the other girl. Looking more concerned than ever, Jack says he has to tell her whether Carlos wants him to or not. Finally, Carlos yells that he'll do it, but that he doesn't know how. "This is going to destroy her," he says, as if it's not going to destroy both of them. Seriously, these two and their baby drama; how much can one couple go through?

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The next day (is this really going to be another season where they box in the timeline so stupidly?), Lynette stands outside of her house inspecting her family. She has them set up in a picture perfect pose on the porch, all dressed up and looking spiffy. "Why are we doing this?" snarks Porter. Lynette says that when Renee arrives she's going to see the one thing Lynette can show off, her "beautiful, beautiful family." Then she chastises Parker for having a pimple. Like puberty isn't hard enough. Tom tries to inject some reason into this, but as usual, his argument fails to fly.

Moments later, a limo pulls up outside of the Scavos' and Tom orders everyone to smile "for Mom and her strange and twisted friendship." Clearly Tom knows what's what. Renee steps out of the car and Lynette rushes to greet her, but Renee puts her off by holding up a finger and yapping into her phone. For the briefest second, Lynette looks hurt, but then she covers it by turning to give Tom one of those "can you believe this?" looks of hers. Renee tells the person on the phone that she has someone more important to talk to; Lynette makes attempt number two, but Renee puts her off again to switch to another call. Finally, Lynette snatches the phone and hangs up on the guy. They hug.

"Oh no," says Renee as they part. "Please tell me you didn't dump Tom for this handsome young trophy husband!" Bless his heart, Tom is all sincerity as he says, "It's me, Renee! I mean, I do work out like three times a week, so maybe that's what you're..." He catches a glimpse of Lynette's face and trails off. Heh. Renee exclaims over Lynette's kids and Penny obediently rushes up with the new baby and hands her off so Lynette can brag about the newborn. "You know, I've been blessed," says Lynette as the extremely fake baby she's holding spits up on her. Ah, the joys of mothering a plastic baby.

Later, inside, Tom apologizes, but says he has to rush off to work, giving Lynette a quick peck as he goes. "Work?" schmoozes Renee. "And I thought you wore that sexy tie just for me." Tom: "You like it? They say that bolder colors are coming back so I thought I'd..." He looks at Lynette, who is absolutely incredulous. "Okay," he says. And he's out the door. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Scavo.

After Tom leaves, Renee starts going on and on about how cozy and intimate Lynette's house is. It's very condescending, which is not lost on Lynette, who shouts to her kids, "Pay attention, kids, you're learning a lot of new words for small." The ladies make their way into the kitchen, where the Scavo kids are all sitting around doing nothing. It's a little bizarre and I'm surprised the kids stuck around. Of course, I'm also surprised they're not in school, but what do I know. Renee blathers about how big her house is; Lynette makes some snarky servant jokes to the point that Preston actually butts in with a "Mom!" Like she's totally embarrassing him. Hahaha. "It's alright. We're just old friends reconnecting," says Lynette.

Renee seems as unperturbed as Lynette by the impression they're making on her kids, and she continues to make compliments that sound like put-downs about the Scavo house. It reminds me of that episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke goes to Friday night dinner and Emily puts him down without saying one actual negative thing (making beer sound like nit-wit juice). Of course the difference here is that Lynette gives it right back to her. Eventually they cool it long enough for Lynette to sincerely ask how Renee's husband is. "Oh he's fine," says Renee casually. "With all that stuff--the team, the jet, the money--it's like a fantasy world. This is what I yearn for. This is real. This is sticky," she finishes up as she sticks her finger in some suspicious splotch on the table. Heh.

Parker is impressed and conjectures that she must be staying at a fancy hotel. Renee says she hasn't booked one yet, so Parker instantly offers to let her stay at their place. Super polite or completely inconsiderate of his mother: you make the call. Lynette starts to say that she's sure Renee doesn't want to, but Renee quickly agrees. "Are you sure?" asks Lynette, clearly not thrilled by this. "'Cause you know, with five kids it gets...stickier." Renee says she's sure, she wants to catch up with her "old, old friend" (then comes the first of several plastic surgery jokes), and Lynette ignores this and says she'll set her up on the sleeper sofa. Ah, so maybe that's where Eddie crashed last year. Mysteries are being solved left and right!

Over at the apartment of the unwashed masses, Susan knocks on her landlady's door and introduces herself. She's dropping off the security deposit, and apologizes for it being late, but they're having "money problems." I love that Susan tells every Tom, Dick and Harry this fact when Mike worked so hard to keep it a secret. Of course, Susan does love her pity. Suddenly much more interested in Susan, the landlady introduces herself as Maxine and invites Susan inside.

A few minutes later, Susan sips tea as Maxine gushes about what a shame it is about Mike's business. "And here you are with no skills, trying to make end's meat," she says. Susan is quick to point out that she has skills, but instead of claiming one of her legitimate ones (like, say, being an award-winning illustrator), she holds out her wrist to show off an ugly, clunky bracelet she made. Skillfully bypassing this, Maxine tells Susan how she was in the same boat after her husband died, but she started her own business. "And now I'm able to help other struggling women. You know, they set their own hours. They work from their own homes. And oy, oy, oy, the money!" She offers to show Susan, who blathers on about how she's always been told she has a good phone voice, but as Maxine opens the sliding doors to the next room, Susan is shocked to see a whole surveillance system set up. On the screens are several women, scantily dressed, performing household tasks. Susan is dumbfounded.

"It's my website!" announced Maxine. "Va-Va-Va-Broom dot com!" HA! "You run a porn site?" asks Susan. "You're trying to lure me into pornography?" Can I say that I am a little impressed that Susan is aghast and not flattered. This seems like the kind of backward compliment that she would normally eat up. Maxine claims that the site is PG; only women doing housework in their lingerie. "So, what do you say?" she asks. Susan gets all up in her face. "I say shame! Shame on you!" Maxine starts to go on about how all the women are respectable and doing this for legitimate reasons, but Susan asks if they aren't worried about being seen by people they know. "Most of our clients are overseas," says Maxine. She keeps trying to ply Susan--showing her an envelope full of cash--and for a second Susan seems bewitched. But then she sticks to her guns and rushes out of the apartment. Don't expect that self-respect to last long.

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Night. Baby-faced Carlos is looking through Juanita's baby book when his daughter bounces up on the bed to ask what he's doing. Carlos laughs and says he's looking at family photos. Juanita points to a picture of her grandma and asks who that is; Carlos responds by tweaking her nose and explaining that it's his mom. "I wish I had met her," says Juanita as Gaby comes out of the bathroom and lurks behind them. "You would have loved her," says Carlos. Juanita asks if Carlos thinks about her a lot, and Carlos says, "Every day. She was the light of my life. And that's why we named you after her because I could not imagine a world without a Juanita Solis in it." That tears me up much more than I thought possible. This scene: best in the whole episode. Carlos turns and notices Gaby, and she beckons Juanita to bed. The two of them leave the room and holy hell, Juanita is seriously just about the same size as her mom. It's crazy.

Gaby tucks in Juanita, who informs her that she and her friend want to go to the mall the next day. Gaby says she doesn't have time to take her, and also refuses Juanita's next request to let her ride her bike to the mall. "You're mean," says Juanita, but it doesn't really have any bite to it. "Well, sometimes I have to be mean because it's my job to protect you," explains Gaby. "What if you got hit by a bus?" Juanita: "That's not gonna happen!" Oh Juanita, I can't wait for you to become a teenager. "Well I can't take that chance," says Gaby. "You're my whole world. If something happened to you it would ruin my whole life." Her daughter nods as Gaby leans down to give her a kiss; at the door, Carlos stands and listens in on this prime example of dramatic irony.

Over at the house of self-pity, Bree sits in her living room with this look on her face like her entire world is falling apart. Orson wheels into the room with another woman who carries a box (exposition tells us that she's Orson's physical therapist, and I'd be interested to go back and see if it's the same one from last year). The PT leaves the Hodges alone and Orson asks if Bree will be okay. "Let's see," she says, "uh, I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking. I've had better Mondays." Orson apologizes, but Bree tells him not to be sorry because it's for the best. "We haven't been happy for a long time."

"You know what you need," says Orson. "A project." Bree says that's not the solution, that it would just be another way to avoid her emotions, and that she needs to figure out what to do with her life. "Well, whatever you do I know it will be spectacular," says Orson, holding out a hand that Bree gratefully takes. "Goodbye, Bree." And Orson leaves. This scene absolutely kills me. It completely resonates with all the wonderful qualities that made Bree and Orson such a couple to root for back in the day. I also think that this must have been just as heartbreaking a goodbye for the actors as it was for the characters, and that makes it all the more tragic. Why did they have to ruin this couple so completely?

Anyway, Bree sits quietly for a moment before getting up to go look at some family photos. She reminisces over her and Rex's wedding photo--also heartbreaking--and then smiles at a picture of her and Orson. It's then that she notices that the wallpaper is peeling. Annoyed, she climbs up to try to stick it back into place, but after a few failed attempts, loses it and rips it clear off the wall. Cue her going mad and ripping the wallpaper off of all of the walls until she's interrupted by a ringing phone. It's Orson, calling to make sure she's okay after "last night." Yes, Bree spent the whole night ripping wallpaper off of the walls. God, that is such an old-school Bree thing to do that my heart is singing. Please let this be the start of something good for her character. She tells Orson that she's found a project. Hell yes, you have.

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Over in the local jail, Paul is visiting Felicia. We quickly learn that Felicia is in for at least eighteen months and that she and Paul hate each other now more than ever. "Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I don't care what I have to do. I will see you behind bars again or dead, whichever is easier," says Felicia. She accuses Paul of killing her sister, but Paul breezily tells her he has to go do things like walk around in the fresh air. "You know you did it," says Felicia. Paul hangs up the phone--they record the conversations--and mouths, "I did it." Oh these crazy kids.

At the Scavos', the girls have gathered and Susan is trying to hawk her jewelry, which Lynette declares is "so big." Heh. That doesn't begin to cover how hideous it is. Actually, Susan takes it as a compliment. "You're welcome?" says Lynette. Double heh. Susan says she can't believe that the jewelry isn't selling and asks which of them wants some earrings. Said earrings are a big pink bead attached to several loops that ends with a chunky gold circle. They are horrible. She tries to sell them to Bree, who in turn pushes them on Gaby, who in turn changes the subject to where Renee is. Susan won't give up, though, and she promptly pawns them off on Lynette, who says she'll buy them and then snarks, "What are you guys getting?" to Gaby and Bree. "I'm gonna buy this. For Bree," says Gaby, picking up a gargantuan necklace. Fortunately for all, this is interrupted by Renee's arrival; Lynette makes quick introductions.

Ever polite, Bree says they've heard so much about Lynette's old roommate. "Ah, yes. You know how in school the pretty girls all hang out together," says Renee. "Well, I refused to go along with that." The girls are clearly taken aback, but Lynette just goes with it, saying that Renee comes off as a little stuck up, but it's great because it just saves everyone time. It's clear that Gaby, Susan and Bree aren't sure how to take this, and to be truthful, it is all very strange. I mean, people just don't talk to Lynette like this, and I think that's why it's coming off so foreign. Honestly, I hate "friendships" like this; they're so emotionally draining and even if you give as good as you get (which these two clearly do), eventually it's just going to leave you empty and depressed. If Lynette really roomed with her in college then it's almost as if she moved from one form of abuse to another (which sounds a little over-the-top, but seriously, I have had relationships like this before and they suck).

Anyway, Susan tries to change the subject by asking what Lynette was like in college. "Oh absolutely fearless," says Renee. "She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumors be damned!" Oh Lord. Lynette makes a zing about STDs and Gaby observes that they play rough. "No," says Lynette with this big, forced smile. "It's just what we do. It's fun. I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up..." Renee: "And I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down." Ah yes, fun times all around. They laugh awkwardly and, again, Susan tries to change the subject to Renee's husband. Lynette mentions that in their sorority--yes, Lynette, in a sorority; take a moment to let that mental image soak in while I remember that the only reason I can't scoff is because I was in a sorority--voted Renee the most likely to marry well. "And Lynette was voted most likely to succeed," says Renee. Then she makes this little tisking sound and Lynette's face falls. See what I mean about a friendship like this? It preys on insecurities.

Lynette demands to know what Renee meant by her little aside, and Renee says it's nothing and that she doesn't want to make Lynette feel bad. Yeah right. "I think our college friends would be surprised to see how you ended up," says Renee. Gaby laughs--thinking they're still being "funny"--and Susan and Bree give her dirty looks. I love how uncomfortable the other three are with this. It's like they're seeing Lynette painted in a different way for the first time; not as the strong woman they all believe she is, but as the weak little girl whose insecurities are what made her into such a control freak. It's kind of heartbreaking.

Lynette points out that she has had a career and raised a family, but that's not enough for Renee, who says they all had "such high hopes" for her. "At least I didn't spend the last fifteen years sponging off a rich guy," snarks Lynette. Susan begs for them to stop; they ignore her and continue fighting. "The Lynette I knew never would have settled for this," says Renee, as though Lynette's life is so terrible. "You were adventurous. You backpacked through Croatia. You jumped on stage at a Springsteen concert. It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team." And that does it folks; astounded looks all around, but none as shocked as poor Tom, who has just walked in the door and looks completely crushed.

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That night, Lynette is taking off the ugly earrings (she wore those all day?) while Tom sits on their bed already in his pajamas. Lynette is completely baffled by Renee's behavior, asking Tom why she would come all the way across the country just to dump on her life. Because she is mean and jealous. Tom, completely distracted, says, "Two guys, huh?" Lynette barely acknowledges that before going back to Renee, but Tom can't let this go. He wants details. "Oh, drop it, Tom!" she begs, but he just goes on to say that he's shielded her from the raunchier parts of his past like a little story he calls "D-cups on the teacups." Oh God. Lynette throws a toy ball at his head. He deserves it. "Okay, I'm dropping it now," he says. He asks why she's getting upset, considering how much she and Renee love to pick at one another, but Lynette is sincerely traumatized. She says that Renee wasn't joking and that she doesn't "get to be disappointed in my life." Tom tells her that she should tell Renee, and Lynette agrees. Then Tom goes on to push his luck by requesting that they revisit something he asked for on his fortieth birthday that he thinks seems doable in light of recent revelations. Lynette responds by slamming the door. Seriously, Tom? She had a baby like a week ago. Idiot.

Downstairs, Lynette tosses a phone book at Renee and tells her to look for a hotel. Finally sincere, Renee says that she thought she might have hit a nerve that afternoon. "If you find my life that pathetic, I'm going to spare you the agony of observing it," says Lynette. She turns to leave, but Renee stops her by saying she doesn't think Lynette's life is pathetic. Hurt, Lynette acquiesces this point, but says that Renee clearly thinks her life is better, so Lynette will just admit that it is. "Congratulations," she says, turning again. This time Renee calls out that her husband is leaving her; she found out he was cheating and he chose the affair over her. She didn't have anywhere else to go, so she came to Lynette.

As usual, Lynette proves to be completely wonderful by letting go of all of her anger and simply showing compassion for her friend. She drops down on the sofa bed, hand over her heart, and asks why Renee didn't tell her. "I haven't even admitted it to myself yet. How could I tell you?" asks Renee. Lynette tells her that she can stay as long as she needs to, and then the two of them go back to insulting one another. This relationship is completely screwed up.

Jack is at the hospital working late when Carlos bursts in. He tells Jack that he's giving him two options: one, he'll sue the hospital or two, Jack makes the whole thing go away. Jack tries to point out that they've already taken steps to find the other family, but Carlos orders him to try to call it off. He doesn't want Gaby to know. "If Gaby knew the truth, it would kill her. No, I can't tell her."

Meanwhile, Gaby tells Bree the exact same thing: she can't tell Carlos about his mother. She says that Carlos is so happy; she doesn't want to ruin that by telling him the truth. "I won't let anything change that." This better not end with Gaby and Carlos splitting up, that's all I have to say.

Back at the craphole, Mike is sulkily drinking a beer when Susan comes in with groceries. Mike says that the bank turned down his loan application, so he's not going to be able to expand his business which means that he'll only be able to take "dinky" jobs and they'll never get out of there. Susan sighs, but tries to be upbeat. Mike has a better idea: he moves to Alaska and works six months on an oil rig. HA! Oh man. Sure, douche. Go for it. Susan says that she and MJ need him, but Mike says he has to go. "Give me a month before you make a decision," begs Susan. She says she thinks the jewelry biz will take off soon; Mike is skeptical.

Cut to Susan knocking on Maxine's door. She agrees to work for her and any self-respect Susan had left just went out the window. By the way, Susan, this coming out will not help your teaching career. This plot has just become truly depressing.

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A handyman, Keith, is inspecting Bree's home repair work. He thinks Bree should go with a bold color like scarlet, but she's skeptical. There's a honk outside and Bree heads out to find Orson there with his physical therapist. He has papers for her to sign (fastest divorce EVER), and she invites him to a dinner party at Andrew's on the tenth. She says that both she and Andrew want him to still feel like part of the family. That right there also kills me. I loved Andrew and Orson's relationship; I feel like Bree is still trying too. It's painful to see what happens next, which is that the PT points out that she and Orson have plans that night and Bree realizes they're involved.

Orson tells the PT to wait in the van, and then tells Bree that his relationship with Judy evolved. Bree wants to know if that happened while they were still together, but Orson says no, Judy waited a respectable amount of time. Bree, validly, points out that it's been a week, and Orson, nobly, doesn't point out that she had an affair for the better part of last year. Anyway, they're both broken. Orson says that at their age, and after so many years of being miserable, they can't let an opportunity pass them by.

Bree goes back into the house, broken, while Keith blathers on about a painting the room a bright yellow. She looks at him like she's seeing how attractive he is for the first time and really, writers, really, she's over Orson that fast? God. Bree was finally likable again in this episode; can't we continue her on that path? Why does she have to jump write into something else?

Across the street, Paul's checking his mail when Lee walks up. He says the neighbors are blaming him for Paul's return; Paul, unsurprisingly, couldn't care less. In fact, he wants to buy his old house from Lee. So bizarre. I suppose his evil plan is rooted in real estate acquisitions.

"Bad news travels quickly," says Mary Alice as the camera follows a child on a bicycle. "And when it arrives we have to find a way to deal with it." Bree picks up a newspaper as Mary Alice says, "If our husbands tell us they've moved on, we look for project to distract us." Bree glances lustfully at Keith. Blah. Over at Susan's, Mrs. Delfino is dressed in pink lingerie while she dusts her laptop. "If the bills start to stack up, we find ways to earn extra cash." That is just so pathetic. Meanwhile, Carlos and Gaby are eating breakfast. "If we're told a secret too terrible to share, we learn to keep it to ourselves." Cut to the jail, where Felicia hangs up a picture of Paul. "But we must remember the bad news that's delivered can sometimes be good news in disguise." Felicia and her roommate discuss what a shame it is that Paul is out free, but Felicia says that now he can finally receive the punishment he deserves. "Paul Young will be dead within six months," says Felicia. When asked how when she's in jail, Felicia offer that "Paul Young doesn't have friends on that street. I do." How ominous!

Well, I'd give that episode a solid B. It was actually really depressing; more so than I realized when I first watched it. Most of the humor came from Lynette and Renee zinging each other, but there was something so hateful about it that it ended up just making me sadder. Plus, so much of the episode was exposition to set up what's coming next. I think that they have some really interesting places to go from here, but tonight was definitely just the foundation. But at least, for once, I'm actually interested in the mystery. Here's hoping it doesn't drag out indefinitely.

Some Fun

Snagged this from another LJ while I was searching for Friday Night Lights fanfic. I just thought it would be fun.

1) The first character I fell in love with:

I'd have to say Lynette. Mary Alice drew me in and hooked me in the first couple of seconds and, initially, I thought that Susan was going to be my favorite (oh, do not mock me...she was not nearly so annoying in the beginning), but Lynette was the first one I loved. It was that moment when she broke down on the soccer field to Susan and Bree; I just knew I'd love her forever.


2) The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:

Carlos. He was such a jerk at the beginning and then they slowly melded him into a lovable jerk (last season's drama with Lynette aside).


3) The character everyone else loves that I don't:

Bree. I don't mind Bree, but everyone else loves her and I certainly don't. She's just too unrelenting and hypocritical for me to really feel a connection to.


4) The character I love that everyone else hates:

I'm not sure there is one for DH. I seem to be able to better tolerate Susan more than a lot of other people do, but I do not love her in any way, shape or form.


5) The character I would sex up or make out with anytime:

Uh, this one should be so obvious. Tom. Love him.


6) The character I'd want to be like:

Want to be like? Probably Karen McCluskey once I'm a little old lady. I want to be feisty like that.


7) The character I'd slap:

Mike. Because he is a douche.


8) A pairing that I love:

Another obvious one: Tom and Lynette. Seriously, since the moment they danced together in the living room in "Pretty Little Picture" I have been in love with them. They top the charts of my all-time faves.


9) A pairing that I despise:

Edie and Carlos. She turned into a such a mess around him and I never understood why. Edie just always seemed so above and beyond that, so I never liked that she became this pathetic sob story around him. Plus it was SO obvious that Carlos and Gaby were going to end up back together, so it was a waste of time.


10) Favorite character:

Lynette. Obviously.


11) What are your five favorite things about your fandom?

1) That they're really faithful to the pairings. Especially Tom and Lynette.
2) How over-the-top the comedy can be. See Gaby pushing Carlos out the window for a prime example.
3) That usually they don't drag the storylines on for too long. They don't outlive their interest. The exception, of course, are the mystery storylines which I ALWAYS think go on too long.
4) The little side characters. Bob and Lee and Karen are all fantastic. Martha Huber was amazing. Karl. I could go on.
5) The group scenes. These actors are fantastic and when they're all put in one scene together it's like gold.


12) What are your five least favorite things about your fandom?

1) The recent retconning of stuff. I hate where they've taken Bree in the past year.
2) Not enough focus on the four main characters. They keep squeezing in too many side plots and then they cut away from the main characters. And usually Gaby and Lynette get the shaft and they're my faves.
3) John Rowland. Enough said.
4) The disaster episodes. It was like they took a formula that worked once and pushed it past the realm of believability. The plane crash last year was atrocious.
5) They have a tendency to close storylines by killing someone off. Sometimes (not always) that seems like a cop-out.


13) Who are your five favorite characters?

1) Lynette
2) Tom
3) Lee
4) Gaby
5) Mary Alice


14) Who are your five least favorite characters?

1) Applewhites
2) Kayla
3) Rick
4) Ana
5) Julie


15) What are your five favorite pairings?

1) Tom/Lynette
2) Gaby/Carlos
3) Bree/Rex
4) Susan/Mike
5) Karl/Edie


16) What are your five least favorite pairings?

1) Edie/Carlos
2) Katherine/Mike
3) Susan/anyone but Mike or Karl
4) Gaby/Victor
5) Julie/Austin


17) Which character are you most like?

Hmm. Lynette in the whole has to be strong/control issues/too obsessed with work way, but I definitely have some of Susan's dippy, romantic side to me (without all the drama).


18) What is your deep, dark fandom secret?

I have every Tom and Lynette scene saved on my computer for easy access.

Wish List

My Wish List for Season Seven of Desperate Housewives

1) Concentrate on the Main Characters

I've said it before and I'll say it again: four main characters are more than enough. One of my biggest problems with this show in seasons 2, 4, 5 and 6 is that the time was spread too thin between Bree, Lynette, Gaby and Susan. I watch this show for the main four and everyone else should be there to support and elevate their plotlines. With the addition of Paul Young and his wife, I'm afraid this is going to be another season where too much time is relocated to other characters.

My greatest hope is that they'll use Williams much like they used Nicollette Sheridan in season 1; not as a main character, but as a character foil. I'm fine with her coming in to add some spice to the show, but that doesn't mean I want the show to become all about her.

Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 100 to 1. Have you seen the way they've been promoting the new season?

2) A Big Change for Bree's Character

I've spent more time disliking Bree than liking her in the past 2 seasons. She's become too hypocritical and too self-righteous. Even worse, her storylines have been downright laughable. Not only do they keep retconning things (that Rex has a secret son story was idiotic), but they're doing it for plots that are stupid and pointless. I can't think of one storyline Bree has had in recent history that has actually gone anywhere. I really want to care about Bree again. Please, show, let me care about her.

By the way, this does not mean she just needs a new man. Orson was not the problem.

Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 50 to 1. I think that by finally dissolving Bree and Orson's marriage, the writers have realized they've boxed Bree into a corner and need to do something to change it. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll succeed, particularly if Bree is mean to be Susan redux.

3) Mike Stops Being a Douche

It's hard enough to like Susan, but usually when she and Mike are together it's a little easier. Except when Mike acts like such an asshole that it's impossible for the viewer to understand what Susan sees in him. So please, make Mike somewhat likable again.

Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 10000 to 1. Their money problems weren't resolved last year and if MJ really is the victim of baby switching then I can totally see Mike acting like an ass about it. Especially if it turns out that MJ was switched with Evan Mayer.

4) Do Not Give Tom Another Mid-Life Crisis

Yes, DH writers, at times it is humorous that Tom is "whipped." However, I do not want to watch him whine and sulk and do stupid things because of it. It's become repetitive and dull and I don't care anymore.

Remember back in the first two seasons (before the horror that was season three) when Tom was just a little clueless, but fairly confident and definitely competent? Yeah, that's the Tom I would like back. Stop making him so wishy-washy about what he wants to do with his life and have him man up a little. Please.

Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100 to 1. I'm afraid that Lynette will go back to her job, and Tom will be at home with the baby and depressed. But I'll hold out a little hope that they'll move past it quickly and give Tom a purpose again.

5) Gaby Becomes Likable Again

I don't know what they did last year to make Gaby so unlikable, but they need to correct that quickly. Yes, Gaby is shallow and greedy and selfish, and those things make her funny. However, there used to be something to balance that; there was more substance to her character. And, by the way, letting her have a brief moment of regret or sadness that explains away her obnoxious behavior only for her to be back to the exact same shenanigans the next episode does not make her likable.

Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They seemed to be trying to get Gaby's character back to normal by the end of last season. Plus with the truth about her mother-in-law's death coming out, Gaby has the potential to be more interesting.

6) No More Segmented Episodes

Splitting the episode into four or five distinct stories has only had about a 50-50 success rate. Last season "Lovely" was hilarious; "If" was atrocious. But no matter if it works or not, that format has become stale and overdone. Please give the audience a break this season.

Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 10000 to 1. They've done 5 of these episodes in the past 2 years. I think they're addicted.

7) No More Arbitrary Deaths

Killing people off for shock value turns out to be not so shocking if you do it every year. Especially when you kill off characters like Karl. What was the point of that? What? Martha Huber's death was a surprise and it served a purpose. Norah's death was startling and served a purpose. If you have a reason for doing it, then go right ahead, show. But stop killing them off because you think it will up the ratings. It just pisses people off.

Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 50 to 1. I already heard they're planning a death for this season. I give them a 50-50 chance that it'll be for a legitimate reason.

8) More Group Scenes

This ensemble cast is fantastic in pairs--as that's how the plots are generally broken up--but they're also fabulous in a larger group. Not only do I want more scenes between the girls, but I want another awkward party with the majority of the neighborhood present. "The Game" and "Pretty Little Picture" are two of the funniest episodes of this show. I'd love to see something like that again this season.

Likelihood that I"ll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. I've read that they're trying to get back to their roots this season and this is one of the key things people have been asking for. I'm going to put my faith in them on this one.

9) No More Illegitimate Children

I do not want to see Carlos' long lost conjoined twins show up this season to cause havoc in his and Gaby's lives. Do not go there, show. You've already overdone it.

Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. Carlos is the only one left who hasn't had a mystery kid show up. Somehow I doubt that after his niece debacle last season that they'll try to add another kid to his and Gaby's life.

10) Do Not Retcon Lynette's Character

Vanessa Williams' character is connected to Lynette which of course means that there will be scoop on Lynette's past. I'm fine with this, show. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. But please do not screw it up be rewriting her entire history. Consistency is a sign of good writing, so prove that you can step up to the plate. Lately you've been hit or miss with this.

Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They get lazy sometimes, but mostly they stay on top of things.

Bonus: Keep the Kids' Ages Consistent!!!

If you keep going the way you are, Juanita is going to be older than Penny. Who, by the way, should be 14 this year. Get with the program, writers.

Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100000000 to 1. Do I even have to explain why?

How strange...

This is...so oddly familiar. It's like something out of a dream...No...Wait...

It was 2008...Susan and Mike had broken up for the fiftieth time for God knows what reason...And wasn't there something about Susan sleeping with the dude she hired to paint her house after the divorce?...Yes, it's all coming back to me now!

For the record, I don't want to watch this plot again.

Oh, and can Bree be single for possibly more than 3 minutes? Thanks so much.