DH recap: Excited and Scared

Season Seven, Episode Six: "Excited and Scared"

"Paul Young was a frustrated man," says Mary Alice as Paul anxiously rubs his hand over the arm of his chair. He and Beth are sitting in a rather nondescript office. "He'd been living with his wife for over two months, but she still refused to sleep with him." Cue flashbacks: Paul has tried expensive jewelry, wine, and porn to get Beth in the mood with always the same result--she slams her bedroom door in his face. Man, that's really all the dirt you're going to give us, Mary Alice? With Paul being her husband and all, you'd think she could add some more colorful commentary to this. Which really brings up a good point: do the Mary Alice voiceovers really serve any purpose anymore? I feel as though they seem like just a requirement at this point, something tacked on quickly to each episode simply because it's always been part of the show. It's not like I want them to cut Mary Alice from the show, but I do wish they'd make her little speeches more meaningful.

Anyway, back in the office, Mary Alice finishes up: "So Paul decided to get help from someone sure to sympathize with his situation: another man." A therapist comes into the room and introduces himself as Dr. Gable.

A little while later, Beth has obviously explained to the therapist how she and Paul met and got married; Dr. Gable is curious as to why it never occurred to Beth that Paul might be released someday. "You were content to marry a man you could never truly be with?" he inquires politely. Beth says that she just wanted someone to care about her; she was never actually interested in sex. Too bad, Paul. "Do you not like sex?" asks Dr. Gable as Paul eagerly awaits the answer. Turns out that Beth is a virgin (surprise, surprise). Paul is completely shocked by this. "You're thirty years old!" he exclaims, outraged. Hey, I'm outraged too; not so much by the fact that she's a virgin but by the fact that she's married to a guy who has to be in his fifties by now. I'm not digging the twenty year age difference. Beth explains that she was saving herself for marriage. "Good news!" snaps Paul. "You are married! Time to take the lid off the cookie jar!" Beth: "Stop calling it that!" So he's used this euphemism more than once? Interesting.

Dr. Gable interrupts the fight to bring some logic to the situation. He thinks that Paul and Beth should date. If Paul takes Beth out and they get to know one another, then Beth will eventually be able to develop normal romantic feelings for him and thus boink his brains out. Beth digs this plan, so Paul reluctantly agrees.

"Yes," says Mary Alice as the Youngs leave the office. "Paul Young was frustrated. But even frustrated men..." She trails off, giving Paul time to say that Beth will be treating him on their dinner dates until she puts out (classy). "...have their pride."

Wee little credits.

It's Halloween on the Lane, as evidenced by the absolutely huge "Happy Halloween" banner that overlooks Wisteria Lane. Not to mention all of the decorations. Oh, yeah, and Mary Alice might mention it too. "It was that time of year when people find out what they're afraid of," she explains. "For some, it's the monster in the bushes." Parker jumps out wearing a mask and scares Porter (who gives him the weakest shove ever. Seriously, they're brothers. I do not buy this lame ass pushing). "For others, it's the spider in their hair." Lee is hanging a sign when Penny dangles a fake spider in his face and he screams. Why am I not at all surprised that these shenanigans all result from the Scavo kids? "For a few, it's the vampire in the driveway." Celia and an anonymous friend walk down the street, and Carlos jumps out wearing vampire teeth to scare them. "Yes, Halloween had once again come to Wisteria Lane." Renee walks to Lynette's house, ignoring Parker's repetitive scare tactics. "And the only thing that frightened one woman was that she might not be the center of attention."

Inside the Scavos', Renee announces that she's having a Halloween party and that all of the girls have to come (in this case, Gaby, Lynette and Bree). Apparently, this is an annual tradition for Renee, albeit one that will be much lamer now that she lives in the suburbs. Gaby says that Grace is sleeping over that night, but once they're done trick or treating they can stop by. Renee promptly announces that there won't be any children welcome. "They always get underfoot, they eat all the candy, and you can't swear in front of the little bastards." Heh. Bree says she'll come if she can bring Keith, and Renee says she guesses one child will be okay.

Just then, Allison comes into the room and asks if Lynette bought her the hand cream she asked for. Lynette says that she didn't remember her asking, but she can pick it up after her company leaves. "Oh alright," says Allison. "It's just that my hands are so dry that they're starting to crack and bleed." Nice. Apparently the guilt works; Lynette agrees to go to the store right then, as long as Allison makes sure to wake up the baby at three. Allison agrees, and then notices one of the invitations Renee handed out. "Oh!" she cries. "A party." Renee snatches the invitation away with a simple, but hilarious, "No."

Over at the home of the sad and pathetic, Susan is explaining her side business to Mike, who sits and scowls at the computer screen. "Oh look, Mike, I know that you must be angry," says Susan, wringing her hands. "If you wanna yell, yell. Let me have it! Say something, please." Instead of yelling, Mike just says, "I should have taken that job in Alaska." Yeah, buddy. You should have. I mean, really, Mike has served absolutely no purpose in the season yet anyway. For all the screen time he's had, he might as well have been off in Alaska, saving us all from seeing Susan do porn. Susan, you might guess, doesn't agree with me.

"I thought I could make some easy money and no one would know," she whimpers. "I'm sorry!" Astutely, Mike asks why Susan would even tell him this. She reluctantly admits that Paul saw her (Mike: "Oh God!") and is now blackmailing her. Susan thinks that it shouldn't matter--since she told Mike now Paul has no leverage. Mike, however, is still stuck on the fact that Paul threatened her at all, and he goes to pick up a hammer to bash Paul's head in with. "No, no, no!" yelps Susan. "Don't be angry! This was good! I'm not lying to you now!" Nice spin, Susan. Mike doesn't care; he heads for the door, so Susan leaps on his back like a spider monkey to deter him. She says she has an idea for how to deal with Paul. Mike: "I'm listening." Now see, right then would have been a good time to point out that Susan's ideas rarely lead anywhere good. Why is Mike always so stupid?

Grace and Juanita are in Grace's bedroom and the former is talking about how excited she is to go trick or treating with Juanita. She picks up a pumpkin shaped basket that she's going to use to collect candy, and Juanita quickly says that won't cut it. There's too much loot to be found on Wisteria Lane. In a somewhat awkward transition, Juanita opens Grace's pencil case and finds the necklace that Gaby gave Grace inside. "Where'd you get this?" she asks suspiciously. Grace's eyes widen as she nervously asks, "Why?" and Juanita explains that it's her mom's. Snatching the necklace away and stuffing it into a desk drawer, Grace says that it was a present from her aunt. Wow, lying on the spot. She really is Gaby's kid. Juanita pretends to believe this, but when Carmen beckons the girls downstairs and Grace runs from the room, Juanita takes a second to steal the necklace back.

A minute later, she climbs into Gaby's car with a self-satisfied smirk on her face. "I found out something about Grace today," she tells Gaby proudly. And it almost breaks my heart because it's like Juanita knows that this sort of gossip should be the sort of thing to actually please her mom. Seriously, Juanita and Gaby's relationship is just tragic. "She's a thief," Juanita says, unveiling the necklace. Gaby, of course, is distraught, demanding to know what Juanita is doing with it. "She stole your necklace, so I stole it back," declares Juanita as Gaby snatches the necklace away. Impressively, she manages not to completely freak out, simply explaining that she gave the necklace to Grace because she felt sorry for her and her poor family. "Aunt Rosie's poor and you always hide your jewelry box when she comes over," points out Juanita. I love her; she's like the smartest kid on this show. Gaby explains that the situation is completely different since Aunt Rosie is a kleptomaniac, so Juanita asks if she wants her to give the necklace back. Gaby says that she'll take care of it, and they drive off.

Back at the Scavos', Lynette arrives home and gives Allison her hand cream. "So how did it go with the baby?" she asks, flopping down on the couch and glancing around the room. "And on a related note, where is the baby?" Allison says that Paige is still upstairs in the crib, and Lynette goes from relieved to upset in about two seconds flat. Turns out that it's after three, and Allison didn't wake the baby like she said she would. "Bless her heart, I had time to mend all of Rodney's old sweaters," explains Allison cheerfully. Lynette distractedly corrects her that they're Tom's sweaters, more concerned that Allison didn't keep her promise. Allison: "Oh that's ridiculous. I would never agree to wake a sleeping baby."

Annoyed, Lynette gets up to go get Paige, complaining that she'll be up all night now that she's napped for four hours. Suddenly, Allison jumps up and cries out, "You stop yelling at me!" Lynette says she's not yelling (she really isn't), but Allison continues to whimper that Lynette is unfairly blaming her. "You're a liar!" she shouts, and she storms out of the room, leaving Lynette to stare after her worriedly.

Next door, Susan arrives at her old house with a basket of muffins. Now, they look like delicious chocolate chip muffins, but we find out that they're actually raisin muffins, which prompts me to ask: raisin muffins? Does such a thing really exist? And are they actually any good? Because, honestly, a muffin sounds like heaven right now.

Regardless, Paul is surprise to see both Susan and her muffins. Susan lies that the muffins are a peace offering. "Paul, we need to move past the past," she explains, brushing past him into the house. "You have been a really good tenant, and I appreciate that. You never complain, you're never late with the rent check. In fact, you're usually early. Who does that? I'm just so lucky that...Oh dear." Susan stops short to point out that Paul has used a thumb tack to hang up a calendar. "Well I tried willing the calendar to stay up, but it just wouldn't cooperate," says Paul. Ha! That's the first joke I ever remember him cracking. Calmly, Susan says that altering the house in any way violates their lease agreement; she even has a convenient copy of it in the muffin basket to prove her point. Thus, Paul needs to be out of there in sixty days.

"Very clever, Susan," says Paul. "But do you really think you're in a position to be making such demands? Why don't we just agree to overlook this slight lease infraction before I call your husband and let him know about his wife's little cleaning fetish?" For once, Susan has the upper hand. Gleefully, she informs Paul that she's already talked to Mike and he knows about everything, even the blackmail. "See this?" she asks, pulling out Mike hammer from the muffin basket. "This is what I had to pry out of his hand so you wouldn't need a paramedic to pry it out of your skull." She then gives a visual example of what will happen to Paul if anyone finds out about her porn career: she bashes a muffin with the hammer. Paul says he understands, but judging by how calm, cool and collected he is, Susan should still be worried. She takes her victory, though, reminding Paul that he has sixty days. Whoa. I just totally noticed that Paul has a picture of him and Zach out. That seems bizarre on about a hundred different levels, and I'm left hoping that that means that Zach will actually return at some point this season.

My distractedness aside, Susan turns to leave. "Oh! And enjoy those raisin muffins," she says. "At least I hope they're all raisins. My apartment has rats." Oh Susan. As if I or Paul possibly believe that you actually baked those.

Commercials.

Bree and Keith are arriving home from a date, but for once they're on their way to his apartment instead of her house. Actually, it turns out that it's her first time there, and she's clearly nervous in a typical Bree way (you know, that it'll be a crapshack). Keith opens the door and let's her in to an impeccable apartment. "Oh my God!" she exclaims, explaining that she had a frozen smile already prepared for what she expected to be a pigsty. "But look at this place," she says. "It's tastefully decorated and smells like...Oh my. Is that potpourri?" HA! It is, in fact. No one should be surprised when I say that Bree is turned on (though not as much as she was that time Orson was washing her wine glasses), and she and Keith start to make out. Suddenly, a beautiful young woman walks through the apartment, greeting them. Keith introduces her as Mimi, his roommate, but Bree's wide eyes and forced smile tell us that she is not happy about this. In fact, she looks kind of crazy.

Over at Susan's school, they're having a haunted house. Paul has brought Beth. Because, you know, it's not at all weird or creepy for them to be hanging out at an elementary school on a date. Beth is interested, though, if not impressed, as Paul explains that he figured at a haunted house, she'd probably want to grab on to him. Yeah. Especially at one aimed at small children. He redirects Beth to go get them a snack, and then skulks over to the nearest mother he can find.

"So, are you an Oakridge parent?" he asks the woman, who tells him that she is, in fact. She wonders if Paul is checking out the school as a prospective parent, and he coolly mentions that his morals are too conservative to ever send his child there. Which you would think would make this lady question why he's there at all, but she just wants the dirt. "Are you familiar with a Mrs. Delfino?" he asks. Well look at Paul double tasking. Dating his wife and ruining Susan's life all at once. You go, Paul.

Very late that night, Lynette paces the living room with baby Paige, desperately trying to get her to go to sleep. She's singing a lullaby (and she has a very nice voice, actually): "Go to sleep/go to sleep/this is all Grandma's fault/go to sleep/go to sleep/why can't she put her things away?" Hee. The last line is prompted by seeing the hand cream she bought Allison earlier still sitting out on the end table. Annoyed, Lynette heads to the bathroom to put the jar away, but is surprised to find that Allison has about ten jars of the same cream in her bag. Lynette is troubled, but I am super distracted by the baby's huge eyes. She is such a cutie.

Even later, Lynette clicks on the light on Tom's nightstand and sit down next to him on the bed. He wakes up, groggily asking if she's okay and what time it is. Lynette tells him that it's 4:12 (damn) and apologizes for waking him up, but she's worried about his mother. "I don't think she's all there," she explains as Tom looks at her in confusion. "You woke me up at 4am to bitch about my mom?" he whines. "You couldn't do that during business hours?" He rolls over, away from her, but Lynette will not be deterred; she explains the hand cream dilemma and what happened with Paige's nap time earlier. "She's older," says Tom. "She forgets some things."

"No," says Lynette, adorably climbing over Tom to her side of the bed. "She also has these intense mood swings. Today she almost took my head off for no reason. And then she looked like she was going to burst into tears." Tom continues to try to rationalize these behaviors, and Lynette says that she understand that he needs to find excuses. "But I think," she says, burrowing under the covers, "there's more going on here than just her being a little forgetful." She flops down, back to Tom, and reminds him that his light is on. Unfortunately, some of what she said must have gotten through because Tom is now wide awake.

The next morning, Tom comes downstairs and finds him mom in the kitchen reading the newspaper. He greets her more worriedly than usual, and Allison wants to know what's going on. "You just seem a little scattered lately," he says, sitting down at the table. "Have you noticed that?" Allison reaches out to pat his hand, saying, "There's my little worry wort. Remember when you were at Camp Kickapoo, you were sure Hurricane Belle had killed us all even though it was off the coast of Georgia." Aww. That is so adorably neurotic! Tom's clearly recalling something he hasn't thought about in years, adding that the mean counselor Bob ("Andy," his mom corrects him) wouldn't let him call home. Allison says he did get to call, though, and he even made her put the dog on the phone. Okay, seriously, that is probably the first cute childhood story we've ever heard on this show. At least one of the adults didn't have a completely dysfunctional childhood.

Allison says that she's going to get dressed since she has to help Penny with her costume, and Tom turns to Lynette (who has been listening to all of this) to say "I told you so." "Yeah, but it's nine o'clock in the morning," says Lynette rationally. "I've been doing a little research and there is this thing called sundowning. A lot of people with dementia don't show signs in the day. It's only at night that they get confused." Immediately, Tom gets defensive, saying that Lynette has just been looking for an excuse to get his mom out of the house. It's not entirely fair, but it is understandable. I mean, my cousins' grandmother had a stroke about six months ago, and the entire family was in denial for months about how bad it was (they even brought her home from the hospital before realizing that none of them could properly take care of her). Sometimes it's just too hard to admit that these things are real. Even Lynette isn't baited into fighting back, she simply points out that the things his mom has been doing (like leaving the stove on for an hour after she made tea) worry her. "Maybe we should take her to the doctor," she suggests.

At this point, Tom goes from defensive to completely irrational, absolutely refusing to go along with that. What is with these two and their refusals to get help from people? Seriously, if Lynette hadn't hurt herself and had to go to the hospital, she probably never would have found out she had cancer. And remember when Tom refused to send Kayla to a therapist (which she actually needed LONG before she convinced the twins to burn down Rick's restaurant). Sheesh. "Until we know what's going on, I don't feel comfortable with her watching the baby," says Lynette, still perfectly calm and logical. "There is nothing wrong with my mother, okay?" yells Tom. "So just drop it."

Commercials.

Over at Keith's, Bree is all ready for her walk of shame, right after she talks to Mimi, who is in the kitchen making tea. She does that annoying Bree thing (similar to what she did with Sam's mother last season), interrogating Mimi in a roundabout way to make sure that she and Keith never slept together. I kind of wish Bree was just secure enough to not have to resort to these tactics. Anyway, Mimi doesn't really mind. She says that Keith never stops talking about Bree, so she doesn't have to worry. Then she leaves the room, asking Bree to please give Keith his mail when he gets up. Bree agrees, and then promptly starts looking through the mail. Despite being married to an ex-con for years (or maybe because of that), she's worried to see an envelope from the Eagle State Department of Corrections.

Later that day, Bree approaches Renee, who is outside putting the finishing touches on her Halloween decorations. Hesitantly, she asks, "In the time that you and Keith spent together, did you ever have the sense that he might be--" Renee cuts her off: "Into bony, old white ladies? Definitely." HA! Bree clarifies that she was actually wondering if Renee got the vibe that Keith was crazy. Renee recaps her two dates with Keith, saying that the vibe she got was that Bree was crazy. Yes. She is. "Renee," says Bree, "you're not being very helpful."

Renee asks what this is really about, so Bree comes out and explains, "I recently discovered that he is on probation for assault." Renee waves that off as nothing; Keith just beat up some guy for hitting on his girlfriend. Oh, well, that's not worrisome at all. Bree is more concerned that Keith told Renee this, but not her, so Renee clarifies that she actually interrogated the bartender before she took Keith home. "I don't wanna end up handcuffed to my bed for three days. Again." Heh. "So Keith was defending his girlfriend," says Bree happily. Uh, did we hear the same story? Because the way Renee told it, I would assume that Keith has some serious jealousy issues.

Renee says that if Bree's really worried, she could always start a fight with Keith to see if he'll hit her. "Whoever left you handcuffed to the bed for three days, he has my respect," says Bree before walking away.

Over at the Solises', Gaby is apparently now pretty domestic; she made Grace's Halloween costume (the first one she's ever made, in fact), which Grace is currently trying on. That is so weird. Carmen, who wouldn't let Gaby give her kid a purse, let her make her Halloween costume? Okay then. Regardless, Grace calls out that she loves her costume, and Gaby is the coolest mom ever. What a suck up.

Juanita runs into the room wearing the cutest little puppy costume ever. She even does a couple of fake barks. It's so sweet. "You're adorable!" says Gaby, and Juanita starts to do a little dance. Unfortunately, they're interrupted by Grace opening the closet door and coming out in her princess costume. She also looks super cute, but instead of giving a proportional reaction, Gaby jumps up and declares that Grace looks beautiful. As she starts to shower her biodaughter with attention, Juanita strives to steal some of it by waving her little doggy tail. Too bad Gaby is totally distracted by putting a tiara on Grace.

"I wanna be a princess!" says Juanita, flopping onto the bed with a little sulk. Gaby doesn't pick up on her daughter's jealousy. "What?" she says. "All you've talked about for the last four months is how much you wanted to go as a dog." Juanita says she's changed her mind, but Gaby says it's too late; it's a dog or a little Mexican girl. "And in this neighborhood we both know which is getting more candy." Juanita pouts.

For some strange reason, Susan is at school even though both Juanita and Grace are at home. Okay. We'll just go with it. She's giving the students instructions when she's interrupted by a woman telling her that the principal needs to see her. Susan looks concerned.

Back at home, Mike watches MJ (MJ! Where have you been?!) beat his club against the floor (he's dressed as a caveman for Halloween) when Susan finally arrives home. She has a box of her stuff in her hands, but Mike doesn't notice, just mentioning that MJ has been waiting four million years to go trick or treating. I'm going to assume that Susan insisted on taking him or else Mike is back to his old douchey ways. Susan hands Mike the box, telling MJ to go put his shoes on. And at this point, I have to comment on Susan's costume. I have no idea what she's supposed to be--a character from Mother Goose maybe?--but her makeup is absolutely terrifying. Her face is so pale and she's wearing so much rouge that she looks more gaunt that usual. It makes me not want to look at her face. I mean, who did she piss off to get saddled with this look? Lord.

Anyway, Mike finally notices that Susan's not her usual perky self, and she tells him that she got fired. "They found out about the website," she says, teary-eyed. I do not feel bad for her at all. Regardless of all of the lesser crap that teachers get called out on every day, Susan should have at least learned from that whole Robin the stripper debacle last year. I mean, they don't let just any fool off the street into a classroom. She is an idiot for ever risking her career for something this stupid. Whatever. I am just thrilled that Susan's teaching career is over. Mike blames Paul for this, but Susan explains that it was one of the moms from the school.

"So what are we going to do?" asks Mike. "We can't make it on what I'm bringing in." Never mind that the main reason Susan took this job was to get MJ into that school. How are they going to pay for that now? Susan says she'll find another job, but Mike isn't so optimistic. He says that he's going to take that job in Alaska. "No! No Alaska," says Susan stubbornly. "You'll be gone three months. You can't do that to MJ!" Mike: "Do what? Make an honest living? How much thought did you give MJ when you were dancing around in your underwear?" I don't know, Mike. How much thought did you give MJ when you weren't making people pay for your services and also refused to take your wife's money? Douche. Mike also points out that now that it's out around school, there's a good chance MJ will hear about it. "No, Susan. You don't get to make the decisions about what's best for this family anymore. I do. Take MJ trick or treating. I'm going to make this phone call." Ouch.

Paul and Beth arrive home from another date that was apparently a big success; Beth enjoyed hearing stories about Paul's childhood. "Can I give you an odd compliment?" she asks. "When you talk about the past it changes how you look. You're not so intimidating." I agree. When he was reminiscing about Mary Alice a few episodes ago I actually felt bad for him. Again, something that would actually be interesting to hear Mary Alice comment on. Paul appreciates the compliment so much that he leans in to kiss Beth, but she backs away to ask what he's doing. "I was responding to what I thought was a signal from you," says Paul. Defensively, Beth snaps that it wasn't a signal for him to jam his tongue down her throat.

"Beth, I'm not some kind of animal trying to satisfy its urges," he says. He tells her that he wants a real marriage with her, which sex is a part of, but which also entails having a partner. He goes in for the kill again, this time making contact with her lips, but it doesn't last long before she slaps him. They stare at each other, stunned for a moment, and then Paul snaps, "I want you gone by the end of the week!"

Commercials.

On this All Hallow's Eve, Cowboy Carlos has candy duty at the Solis house, and apparently Penny and Allison have been roped into it at the Scavos'. But where things are really happening is at Renee's; her party is in full swing. The doorbell rings and Renee (dressed as Marilyn Monroe) answers it to find Bree (a cheerleader) and Keith (a biker) ready to party like it's 1999. Keith doesn't understand who Renee is supposed to be; his guess after she sings "Happy Birthday" a la Marilyn is Michelle Obama. Idiot. Also dated at this point in the show's timeline. Even if Obama gets another term, he'll have been out of office for almost a year at this point in the show. It would be like if someone dressed up as Laura Bush today. In other words, Keith is a moron. Also: both Renee and Bree realize this.

Back at the Scavos', Allison remarks that they're almost out of candy, but Tom says that they have extra in the kitchen. Allison's high pitched, childish voice is beginning to get on my nerves. Does that actress always speak like that or is this just special for her senile old lady bit? The doorbell rings and this time it's Gaby with the girls (who has to remind Celia to stop mooing since she's a cat. Ha!). Gaby reintroduces herself to Allison, who assumes that the princess must be Gaby's daughter. "No, my daughter's a dog. The dog! That dog!" Gaby babbles. Ugh. First of all, Gaby, you have TWO daughters there. Get a grip on reality. Second of all, how bad are Juanita's body image issues going to be by the time she hits puberty? That little girl is so pretty. Gaby really frustrates me sometimes. Even Juanita knows how bad this is, a fact that's only reinforced by Gaby taking a liberal armful of candy and dumping it into her bag.

Back inside, Allison again notes that they're almost out of candy. Unfortunately, this time Tom isn't there, and despite Penny's protestations that they have more candy "somewhere," Allison insists on heading out to the store. Penny looks concerned. Concerned enough to tell another adult? No.

Marilyn answers her door again only to find another Marilyn on the other side. It's Lee! There is absolutely no debate about who wore it better. I'll leave you to guess who.

Bree's in the living room getting refreshments when some sleazeball in a football uniform notices her. "Heeeey," he slurs drunkenly. "Thanks for cheering for me at the big game today." Bree plays along for a moment, more of a sport than I would be, but when middle aged football player continues to hit on her, she gets uncomfortable. She beckons Keith over and tells him what's going on. "Is that true? Are you bothering her?" he asks. The football player lies that they were just fooling around and walks away. Bree thanks Keith for being gallant and starts to talk about how no man has ever defended her that way before (except that Rex totally would have, and Orson definitely did. Remember when that creepy minister was going to lambaste her in front of the church and Orson told him off?). Anyway, it doesn't matter because Keith's not listening. He's too busy pursuing football man, demanding that he apologize to Bree. Keith starts to get physical, but Bree calls him off.

Upset, Keith stalks out of the house as Bree chases after him. He's ranting and raving about how angry!guy is who he is, and he's been arrested for it before. "So feel free to break up with me 'cause you know you want to," he says, and hoo boy, this martyr thing has got to be a turn on for Bree. "You can't be with a guy like me! Not the way you are with the controlled smile and your perfect house and your perfect lawn." Quickly, Bree points out that she's not as perfect as he thinks. "You wanna talk about my perfect lawn," she growls. "Nine years ago--" (WAY longer than that according to my timeline) "--my son found me face down drunk on it. That's true! He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up." Well, technically he didn't have to wake her up that way... Man, Andrew used to be such a little shit. I miss that sometimes. "Did you not know you were dating the biggest lush in Fairview?" she snaps.

With an honest little shrug (and this is really the first time I've remotely liked Keith), he says, "No, I didn't." Bree explains that they all have baggage, and she wants to know if Keith has any other skeletons in the closet. He says no, she's seen him at his worst. "Well I don't think I've seen anything I can't handle," she says. "How about you? You think you can deal with a control freak with a drinking problem." Keith doesn't answer; he just walks right up to Bree and plants a big kiss on her. I love the way it's shot. There's something really innocent about Bree in that silly Halloween costume, going up on her toes to kiss her boyfriend.

Tom, Porter and Parker are watching some gory movie on television, although I'm not sure why any of them are home. I mean, the boys are in their late teens; don't they have something better to do on Halloween? Even ignoring that, why isn't Tom at Renee's party with Lynette? Did she force him to stay home because she didn't trust his mom alone with the baby? If that's the case, it was a good call, because Penny wanders over to inform Tom that Allison walked to the store to get more candy and isn't back yet. Concerned, Tom asks the kids to listen for the baby. Parker asks if Allison is okay, and Tom says yes, but it's late for her to be out by herself. He hurries out of the house onto the insanely bustling street. Seriously, I have never seen a street so alive with the spirit of Halloween. He anxiously searches the crowd, but doesn't notice his mom sitting like a lost little girl on the curb.

Commercials.

Grace and Juanita pour their booty out on the floor, and Grace is super impressed with how much she got. Gaby, who is trying to cut gum out of Celia's costume for some reason (I mean, really, just take the damn thing off of her), says that Grace deserves it all for acting like a little model in her dress. Then the little suck up runs up to Gaby to give her a piece of her candy. Grace really lays it on thick. I can't quite believe that any child on this show is truly so wholly innocent. Juanita totally agrees with me too. After giving Grace a hug and ordering the girls to go easy on the candy, Gaby leaves to give Celia a bath.

Grace begins to pull at her tiara, unable to remove it from her hair. She calls for Gaby, but Juanita evilly smirks, "Oh that's all right. We don't need her. I'll take care of it." She picks up the scissors Gaby was using. Hehehe. If only Juanita was going to cut Gaby's hair.

In the bathroom, Gaby is trying to teach Celia that cats meow. The most Celia can manage is an oink. "Boy I really hope you marry well," says Gaby. Suddenly, there's shrieking from the living room. Gaby runs downstairs to find Juanita holding a huge chunk of Grace's hair and the tiara. "She was having a problem," says Juanita. "I fixed it." HEE! I LOVE Juanita.

Lynette (dressed as a flapper, complete with a short, dark wig) and Lee walk out of Renee's party, the former reassuring the latter that he's a much prettier Marilyn than Renee. Heh. Lynette's cell phone rings, and after a brief conversation, Lynette shoves her purse and phone into Lee's hands (for some reason) and takes off down the street.

Carlos was the one calling because he found Allison. She's huddled on his porch, clearly disoriented, and Lynette cautiously approaches her. "It's me," she says reassuringly (since clearly Allison doesn't know her at first). "Lynette?" asks Allison, pulling her daughter-in-law in for a hug. "Thank God!" Lynette murmurs platitudes to her like she's soothing a little kid, and Allison explains that she got lost while she was walking. She says she made it to Claire Graham's place, but the lights were out and she didn't know what to do. Lynette tries to tell her that there is no Claire Graham on the street, but Allison defensively snipes that there is. "Let's go home," says Lynette, trying to diffuse the situation. She tries to put her arm around Allison, but she yells at her to let go.

Just then, Tom comes ambling up the street, watching the scene unfold before him. "You're doing this to me," Allison accuses Lynette. "You're making me feel crazy." Lynette says that she's not, trying to take hold of Allison's hands, and Allison completely loses it. She slaps Lynette right across the face. Somehow, Tom doesn't immediately spring into action, but it's okay since Allison realizes that she shouldn't have done that. She apologizes to Lynette, turning and spotting Tom, and asking him to confirm that she's never done anything like that before. There is the most gorgeous shot of Lynette here, looking heartbroken and frightened and worried all at once as she watches her husband realize the truth. "It's okay, Mom," says Tom. "I'm here."

Cut to a close up on Beth's pet goldfish swimming aimlessly in its bowl. Beth is on the phone with her mother, relaying the story of how Paul kicked her out. She insists that she's trying everything to make it work with Paul, but she's unhappy and wants to come home. This apparently doesn't cut it for mommy dearest. Achingly, she agrees to stick it out and make it work.

Susan and MJ walk down the street hand-in-hand when Lee approaches them. He says that Paul insisted he ask again if Susan wants to sell her house to him. Susan says of course not, but then Lee mentions that Paul said Susan's circumstances have changed and a lightbulb goes off. She dumps MJ in Lee's care and, taking MJ's club, marches across the street.

Paul stupidly answers the door without checking to see who it is. He also manages to let Susan shove him into the house so she can barge in and attack. Screaming like a crazy person, Susan swings the club like a bat, breaking Paul's belongings as she chases him around the kitchen. Just as she's about to bash his head in like a muffin (although, really, how heavy am I supposed to believe the prop club of an eight-year-old is?), Beth appears with a gun. She shouts at Susan to leave Paul alone and get out of the house. Faced with a gun, Susan doesn't have much choice; she drops the bat and leaves.

Beth asks if Paul is okay and he says yes. Then, spurned on by either the phone call or the adrenaline, she starts to make out with him. Happy Halloween, Paul!

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A few days later, Juanita stares wistfully at her mother's jewelry box when Gaby storms into the room ranting about what a mess Juanita made of Grace's hair and how Carmen was pissed. "Fortunately that sweet little girl saw I was in a jam and said it was her idea," she snaps. "Of course she did!" says Juanita. I have never seen an eight-year-old with such athletic sarcasm. "Well thank God," says Gaby. "Otherwise she wouldn't be able to come here and play anymore." Whoops.

"Who cares?" asks Juanita, turning around to glare at her mom. Gaby sputters that Grace is Juanita's friend, but Juanita aptly points out that she's only known Grace a month. "But you love spending time with her," protests Gaby. "No," says Juanita. "You do. You're always talking to her, kissing her, staring at her. You like her better than me!" Okay, seriously, I just want to hug Juanita. Thank goodness she has Carlos, that's all I have to say. Gaby says that's ridiculous, but Juanita shouts, "Then why did you give her that necklace?! You don't even let me touch your jewelry! What's so special about Grace?!" About to burst into tears, Gaby has no answer for her daughter, and Juanita marches out of the room.

The hits just keep on coming for Gaby because Carlos has overheard this whole conversation. "This is bad," he says sternly. "She knows something is up. I think we should pull back. Stay away from Grace for awhile." This situation kills me. I think Carlos has every right to stand up for their daughter, but at the same time I also see why Gaby needs to have that connection with Grace. Yes, she could be handling it a lot better, but the whole scenario is genuinely frustrating and tragic. Gaby outright tells Carlos no, she'll just be more careful. "Gaby, we have to protect our daughter," says Carlos, but Gaby says they're both their daughters. But who is going to be hurt the most by all of this? Juanita.

Susan's boobs are packing Mike's bag as he heads off for Alaska. She's sad, but Mike says that this will get them enough money to get Paul out of their lives for good. Plus if he stays, he might kill Paul.

Over at the Scavos', Lynette and Allison are sitting out on the porch when Tom walks up and announces that they're all set to go. Allison is clearly bitter because she snaps that Tom is sending her to a nursing home, but he corrects her that it's assisted living and it's actually very nice. "Just tell me this, Tommy: after I go there, when do I get to leave? When do I get to go home?" she asks bitingly. Calmly, Tom says that they have to wait to see what the doctor says. Allison calls his bluff, saying that she's seen this happen to her friends and she's never going to come back.

"Mom," says Tom, gently approaching her. "I've talked to Peter and Theresa. We all agree. You can't live by yourself anymore." Finally. Tom's siblings are identified. I love having these little pieces of the puzzle fall into place. "If something bad were to happen to you," he adds, "we would never forgive ourselves." Allison doesn't care. She lays on the guilt as only a Catholic mom can, saying that the only bad thing happening to her is Tom sending her away. "Mom, I don't know what else to do," pleads Tom.

"When you called me at that camp," says Allison, turning to face her son, "and you were scared, you kept saying, 'I wanna come home, Mom.' And I said, 'Tommy, if you mean that, I'll come get you.' That's what you do." Wow. Standing, Allison heads for the car, leaving Tom to do nothing more than hold his wife's hand and try not to cry.

"The time comes when we all must find out what we're afraid of," says Mary Alice as the camera pans over the pumpkin-littered steps of the Scavos' porch. Tom heads down the stairs toward the car to take his mom away. "Some of us fear: 'She may never forgive me.'" Cut to Gaby, looking anxiously at Juanita. "Others worry: 'She might learn the truth.'" Next is Beth, staring at Paul. "A few wonder: 'Could he send me away?'" And finally we go to Susan and MJ, who say goodbye to Mike as he leaves for Alaska with the world's tiniest suitcase. "Yes, the world is a scary place. It's even more terrifying if we have to face it alone."

Well that episode was simply superb. The drama was top notch with just enough comedy to even it out. And there were some absolutely lovely scenes in that episode as well. A+ all around.

DH recap: Let Me Entertain You

Season Seven, Episode Five: "Let Me Entertain You"

Well, Mary Alice kicks off this week by talking about some woman no one has ever heard of or cared about on this show before. "Emma Graham was an ordinary woman," she tells us, though the woman tossing a salad on my screen is unlike any ordinary woman I've ever seen. "Overdone" would be the kind way to put it. Anyway, Emma has an extraordinary dream: to be known as more than just a wife, mother, and neighbor. So she announces to her husband that she wants to put on a cabaret show (this gets odd looks from both the husband and little girl playing her daughter, who looks so like a tiny, brunette Sally Draper that I'm going to be forced to IMDB her).

Cut to a nightclub where the whole neighborhood--sans Susan and Mike--has come out to see Emma's show. Emma's playing the piano and singing in a sultry voice, and while I will point out that Tom and Lynette seem to be getting along very well in this scene (just for future reference), the more hilarious place to focus your attention is Carlos. He looks absolutely unamused by this whole scene. After a long minute of singing, Emma is suddenly interrupted by Gaby and Renee bursting into the club in the middle of a fight. Lee tries to break them up, but just gets shoved out of the way for his effort, and then Renee punches Gaby in the nose. She pulls a full Marcia Brady and we cut to...

Wee little credits!

One week earlier. We get a close up on some lingerie, so of course we're with Susan, though the camera doesn't show her face at first. "She knew what she was doing was wrong," Mary Alice tells us. Cut to some high heels, and then Susan pulling up her stockings and ogling herself in the mirror. "She knew it was very dangerous. She knew the risks if people found out. But Susan Delfino was determined to get back to Wisteria Lane. And that was how her world began to fall apart." Am I supposed to be surprised that Susan's foray into the world of soft core porn would land her in hot water? Because I'm so not.

Susan introduces herself as Tonya to a man watching her on the computer. As you remember, she decided to start doing one-on-one sessions at the end of the last episode. While she's trying to take it nice and slow (drag out the hour), the man on screen quickly demands, "Show me your jugs." Susan laughs this off. "Aren't you a frisky little..." She pretends to notice some dirt on the floor and asks the man if he wants her to vacuum. "Sure," he agrees. "Right after you take out those tats and shake 'em." Ew. That's all I have to say. This is getting almost uncomfortably gross. And I said it before and I'll say it again, but this is also veering dangerously close to Lifetime movie territory. Remember that one where Jennifer Love Hewitt became a prostitute? That's what this reminds me of.

Again, Susan tries to laugh this off and convince the man that naughty talk would be better than her flashing her boobs. It will surprise no one that the man doesn't see eye-to-eye on this, though when Susan prompts him to discuss a fantasy, he does venture to ask if she's lactating. If only Lynette was there. This is the last straw for Susan. She calls him a pig and slaps the laptop shut.

Later, Maxine chastises Susan for being rude to such an important client. "The guy was a total perv," whines Susan, but Maxine is completely unsympathetic. "Susan, I can't keep giving you chances like this," she says. She turns to leave, but is interrupted by her cell phone ringing. It's some other perv asking for a private session with Tonya. Maxine informs him that Tonya no longer works for her; Susan takes this news with surprisingly good grace. Good. I would have lost even the tiny iota of respect that I have left for her if she had looked devastated.

Back on the Lane, Bree's boobs are no longer defying gravity as she and Keith arrive home from a date. She is completely dolled up in a shiny gold dress while he's dressed down in a plaid shirt and jeans. Subtle, show. Bree apologizes to Keith for not giving him a head's up about the formal restaurant, but Keith says he had a lot of fun. Then he gives her a kiss on the cheek. Ouch. Bree's feeling the pain too, actually directly asking Keith why he won't give her more than a quick peck. "I'm trying to treat you like a lady," says Keith. Bree: "Aw. That's sweet. Now knock it off!" And she plants a big ol' wet one on him. Just think: on first viewing I thought that this would be the strangest Bree scene of the night. How wrong I was.

The next day, the ladies are all gathered on Gaby's porch gushing over the fact that Bree had sex three times in one night. Bree: "The sex was amazing. It was like...How to describe it?...An opera!" Gaby: "You fell asleep during it?" HA! I do love Gaby. Bree continues to wax poetic about how fantastic the sex was--actually squealing with glee at one point--until Susan interrupts to point out that Renee is back from New York and heading for the porch. "Oh God, you invited her?" demands Gaby. "I know she's your friend, but isn't she kind of a self-absorbed, narcissistic diva?" Lynette: "Good point. We already have one of those." Hee.

Renee arrives, pops a bottle of champagne and announces they're going to celebrate her divorce. She starts to pour (even over Bree's protests that she's drinking iced tea--thank you, continuity), and invites the girls over for dinner. Gaby quickly accepts, but Bree, Lynette and Susan all beg off. "Well, I guess it's just you and me!" Renee says to Gaby. And as Lynette makes a big stink over how great that is, Gaby's face falls.

Later, Lynette is back home interviewing nannies. Tom comes downstairs and asks how it's going, and Lynette tells him that everyone is either too inexperienced or too expensive. "Hmm," says Tom. "What about the one with the boobs?" Season one, is that you? Seriously, guys, that is the EXACT reason you fired your first nanny. I'm going to pretend that Lynette's incredulous face is pointing out this very fact, although she doesn't actually say it.

Tom goes on to say that he found them one more applicant. "You took the initiative?" exclaims Lynette, genuinely surprised. Before Tom can explain, there's a knock at the door and Lynette goes to answer it. Tom preempts her to ask if she remembers how she used to hate yams, but then she tried them again and they weren't so bad. "And over time you realized, 'I like yams! Yams are great!' Well sometimes, Lynette, people are like yams." Suspicion fully aroused, Lynette bypasses Tom and peeks out the window. "Are you insane?" she gasps. Tom explains that he was talking to "her" on the phone about their problem last night and she volunteered. There's another knock, and Tom opens the door. His mother, Allison, is on the other side; they embrace while Lynette ponders why Allison couldn't have been a yam.

Can I say now that I would have enjoyed this plot more if Lynette hadn't demanded a nanny last week? I was going to save this rant for later in the recap, but I might as well give it now. I'm getting really tired how Tom and Lynette are being portrayed this season. They're becoming formulaic in much the same way Gaby was in season six, and it's annoying me. Tom does something clueless and immature; Lynette is insensitive; they patch things up at the end (or, worse, it's left completely unresolved and is never brought up again). It reminds me so much of season three (my least favorite season for these two characters) in the sense that so much of that season followed the same vein. There have been hints of it in seasons five and six as well, but not quite so consecutively as this season has been. I wish they would go back to writing Tom and Lynette as they were in the first couple of seasons (and season four, which also struck a good balance).

Really, it's just a matter of extremes. Yes, Tom has always been clueless, and Lynette has always been insensitive and demanding, but those traits were portrayed much softer earlier in the show. A prime example for me is the season two episode, "There Is No Other Way." Broken down in its simplest terms: Lynette unintentionally insults Tom at work; Tom overreacts; Lynette tells him to grow a pair; they make up and have awesome elevator sex. Sounds like any other episode, right? What I love about this one is that they both apologize to one another at different points in the episode. They both acknowledge they're wrong, and there is more than one conversation where they speak to each other like adults who are in a long-term, committed relationship. Lately, it all seems like one big story of "look at the ridiculous crap Lynette has to put up with" while wondering why Tom stays married to her. And I hate that. I hate it. Because this is my favorite couple. And yes, I can rationalize it, and yes, I can write fanfic that chronicles the missing scenes that would make this less of a parody of this couple, but I'm tired of doing that work.

What is saving this couple for me right now are the actors. From any interview I've ever seen or read with Felicity Huffman and Doug Savant, you can tell that the actors firmly believe in this couple as much as the viewers do. And because of that, they really affirm the love that these characters do have for each other in little ways: touches or looks that say, "Yes, we really do love each other." I am so grateful for that. It makes me feel like even if everyone else on the show (mainly the writers) gives up on this couple, the two of them will fight to the death for Tom and Lynette. It's the one thing I'm really clinging to right now.

This is what worries me (*spoiler alert*): in the coming weeks, that Tom/Renee backstory tease is going to come to the forefront of the plot. While I wasn't concerned about it at first, I'm beginning to fear that all of this discordance between the characters is actually leading somewhere terrible. Whatever the secret might be, I don't want my faith system with this couple to be shaken. And I really fear that's where this is leading: to some big revelation that is going to crush the history of these characters. Because, honestly, I think that the writers are stuck with Tom and Lynette. They don't know where to take them, so causing some big shake-up in their marriage is the only solution.

What I would like to see is something that is personally devastating for Tom, and Lynette has to stick by him. I love plots where these two are a team; when they work together to move past an obstacle. It would be fantastic if that was where this was leading, but I really doubt that's the case.

And this brings me back to my original thought: I wish they hadn't had Lynette demand a nanny last week. Instead, they could have had Tom subtly notice that Lynette was drowning and attempt to do something nice by asking his mom to come help out. And instead of having Lynette act ungrateful from the start, she could actually try to make an effort since Tom was trying to be nice. From there it could all blow up in their faces. That way we still get the drama, but it would be a nice reminder that this couple really does care about one another.

Sorry. That was a very long aside, but I'm worked up about this. Tom and Lynette are my favorite part of this show.

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Renee and Gaby are drinking and discussing Renee's tumultuous marriage. Apparently, Renee thinks that Doug might have cheated on her more than once, but then he bought her expensive jewelry so she let it slide. "Being married to a pro athlete...It must be a nightmare," says Gaby (of course the real joke being that Eva Longoria Parker is married to a pro basketball player Tony Parker).

Renee goes on to say that she thinks Gaby gets her since they're both extremely beautiful. Gaby: "God bless you for having the courage to say that." Ha. Never has a character been so built around being vapid as Gabrielle Solis. The girls start to discuss how they've used their beauty to get things (hell, you could do an entire Gaby montage of that), culminating with Renee mentioning that she slept with Doug's lawyer to get a better settlement. Of course, then she wants to know one of Gaby's secrets to make sure she stays mum. Apparently knowing about Gaby's baby switching drama is not enough. After some prodding, she gets Gaby to admit that she had a nose job. Gaby tells Renee that she can't tell anyone; Carlos is the only one who knows the truth. "Of course you can trust me," lies Renee. "I'm beautiful."

The next morning, Tom cheerfully enters his kitchen with a bright, "Good morning," but he bypasses his wife to give his mom a peck on the cheek. He backtracks to give Lynette a kiss too, but she shies away, reminding him that she's still not speaking to him. As Allison announces that Tom's breakfast will be ready in a minute, he sits down and obnoxiously taps his coffee cup with his finger. It is the equivalent of what a child would do before he could talk in order to get food. Good God, man. Get some dignity. That's almost as bad as Susan. His mother, however, gladly pours him some coffee.

Allison tells Tom that his scrambled eggs are ready, and Tom sighs that he was hoping for her French toast. At this point, Lynette can't take any more. "She made you eggs, Tom," she snaps. "Eat them." Allison, however, says it's no problem; "I'll fix it right up, Rodney." "Tommy, Mom," Tom easily corrects her. And that might be my favorite moment for the Scavo family this week. Just that tiny hint that Allison isn't all there anymore, but Tom and Lynette easily write it off as a slip of the tongue. Subtle brilliance.

Anyway, Allison shrugs it off too, saying that Tom looks so much like his dad, but before anyone can respond, the baby starts to cry. Allison scurries off to take care of Paige, and Tom can't help but rub it in. "Would you look at that? My mother is on top of it. And you get to sit," he says, giving her a friendly smack on the butt (see what I mean about the actors!), "and have coffee with the man who you kicked three times 'in your sleep' last night." Lynette actually does sit, but only to complain that while she can take Allison in small doses, she can't live with her full time. I'm proud of Tom for not mentioning that Lynette's mother lived with them for about six months at one point. Instead, he asks Lynette what her problem is: she says she loves Allison, his mom is great with the kids, so what's wrong? "I can't stand the person she turns you into," Lynette tells him. "You become this neanderthal while she's tripping over her apron strings to serve you." Tom, unsurprisingly, doesn't see the problem with this.

Suddenly, Allison pops back into the room, chirping that the baby's fine. Tom, again, holds up his coffee cup and taps it, and as his mother rushes to refill it, Lynette snipes, "Just know if you ever hold your coffee cup up to me, you will be tapping it with a stump." Heh. And totally deserved.

Mike is at the bank when Lee approaches him and tells Mike how much Paul and Beth are enjoying the Delfinos' house. He goes on to say that Paul wants to buy the house. Of course he does. You know, he really slipped up by letting Renee buy Edie's house before he did. Also, doesn't Lee find all this property acquisition nefarious? Regardless, Mike gets a little testy with Lee, saying that while he'll forgive Lee for renting their house to Paul (you could have asked who the renter was, douche), he doesn't appreciate Lee's further efforts on Paul's behalf. "You tell Paul the day his lease is up we're moving home," says Mike. Tough man.

Cut to Lee calling Paul. He tells Mr. Young the bad news. "You disappoint me, Lee," says Paul. Lee mentions that there are other houses, but Paul says he needs that one. Red flag, Lee! Jeez, man. Get a clue. Fortunately for Paul, he has another trick up his sleeve.

Back to Mike. He finishes making a deposit, but when he sees his new balance, he goes all bug-eyed. "Wait, this isn't right. We should have a lot more money in here." And then, hilariously, he leans over the counter as though to look at her computer. It's such an odd thing to do. Like, what, is she lying to him? Hahaha.

Susan is glumly staring at her jewelry while she's on the phone trying to find out how much certain pieces are worth. Suddenly, Lynette shows up with a gold necklace that she borrowed from Susan. Since Susan couldn't be subtle if she tried, Lynette picks up that something is wrong. Susan says she can't talk about it, so Lynette scurries off to find her a tissue.

As soon as Lynette is out of the room, Mike bursts in and asks if Susan knows anything about their depleted account. Susan says that she took the money out as Lynette pops out, eavesdropping. While Susan sputters for an excuse, Lynette butts in and lies that Susan lent the money to her. "We had some bills from Paige's birth that weren't covered by insurance and Susan very kindly offered to help us out." Well, I can think of a million things wrong with that story that Mike is apparently too stupid to pick up on. For instance, how about the fact that Paige was born on Eddie's gross old couch? And wouldn't he question why Lynette couldn't go to one of their richer friends? I mean, Gaby, Bree and Renee ALL have more money than Susan. This story makes no sense. Mike's not the sharpest tool in the shed, though, because he totally buys this (although at least he has the decency to look annoyed). Susan says that Lynette is going to pay it back by Friday, and, with nothing else to say, Mike leaves to go back to work.

"Thank you so much," says Susan, giving Lynette a big hug. Lynette asks if there's anything Susan wants to tell her. "Yeah," sniffles Susan. "But promise you won't yell." Oh Susan. Have you met Lynette.

Cut to Lynette yelling: "You did porn on the internet?!" Susan sputters explanations (emphasizing how she never got nude), but Lynette isn't impressed. She points out that Mike or Susan's kids could find out, but that just raises Susan's ire. "It is really easy for you to come down here from your five bedroom house in the suburbs and criticize me," shouts Susan (except it's totally well established that there are only four bedrooms in the Scavo house; it has got to be super crowded there). "I am not on Wisteria Lane anymore! Look at what Mike and I are trying to climb out of! We can't even afford hot lunches for MJ at school. So just think about that next time you wanna judge me!" Oh my God. You mean all this time MJ had to brown bag it? Well holy shit. That just totally justifies EVERYTHING Susan has been doing. I am so sorry for ever judging you, Susan. I understand now. It is one hundred percent acceptable. As long as MJ can go back to buying gross cafeteria food, you do whatever you need to.

Lynette is much more moved by Susan's little speech that I am. She tells Susan that she's done judging her and back to being a friend. "I'm sorry you had to do that," she says, as though Susan really had no choice. I'm sorry. If Susan needed a second job there are a lot of other things she could have done. What this boils down to is that SHE wants her status back and she wants it back as fast as possible. So get off your high horse, Susan.

Commercials.

There is a knock at Renee's door. It's her ex-husband, Doug, with a big bouquet of flowers. "I'd invite you in, but it's late and I hate you," says Renee. HA! She is good with the zings. Doug insists that he flew all that way just to see her, so Renee reluctantly lets him in. "I miss you," says Doug as soon as he's inside. He goes on to say that the affair was a stupid mistake and that he wants Renee back. Renee seems to have a bit of a spine; she tells Doug that she's actually happy in Fairview and she's getting a fresh start. "Come on," scoffs Doug. "You can't be happy here in Mayberry. You were made for Manhattan." Then he whips out a huge ring and tells Renee to give them a second chance.

Down the street, Bree and Keith arrive home from another date. This time, Bree is going on and on about the symbolism of some angel in a play they saw. Keith has no idea what the angel represents, but he did have a good time trying to spot the wires. Heh. Bree heads toward the kitchen to find some dessert, still yammering on about the angel, but when she turns to face Keith, he's standing naked in the doorway. "Oh my," she sighs. I am totally distracted by the off-color patch of skin on Keith's chest. What is that? It's weird.

Cut to Bree falling back in ecstasy on the kitchen table. From there, we cut to the stairs. "That'll teach me to let you walk up behind me on the stairs," she breathes. Hahaha. Suddenly she realizes that Keith is erect again. Cut to the shower. As Bree's rinsing off, Keith opens the door and says hi. "Please tell me you're here to stab me," begs Bree. Hahahaha. Excellent. Keith just steps inside while Bree looks terrified.

The next day, Bree hobbles into the living room with a tray of snacks for her friends. It's very obvious that she's tender down there, and I never, ever thought I would write that sentence about Bree. "I guess someone was with Keith last night," laughs Gaby. "It's not funny!" says Bree. "Six hours we had sex! I feel like the Holland Tunnel." HA! Even Gaby is astonished by this one. She makes the very valid point that Bree should have said she needed a break. Bree says that if she did that, Keith would think she's a old woman. There's a knock at the door, and Bree limps over while Lynette and Gaby exchange "I wish I had her problem" looks.

Turns out that it's Renee at the door. She's all giddy to announce that Doug showed up the night before to ask for her back. "But he cheated on you!" says Gaby, one of the two other women here who eventually took back her cheating husband. Also, Gaby and Bree have both cheated on husbands who took them back too. If anyone should realize the world isn't so black and white...

Anyway, Renee starts to make excuses for Doug and says that after ten years she should give him another chance. Lynette (oddly, considering how inexcusable she really does view this subject) and Bree agree that she should go for it, but Gaby proclaims that this is insane. Seriously, pot calling the kettle black. The argument between Gaby and Renee escalates until Renee tells Gaby to keep her "fake nose out of it." Wow. I really thought Gaby would slip up first.

Bree's face is absolutely hilarious. While Lynette just looks suspicious, Bree actually leans forward and crinkles her face like she's trying to examine Gaby's nose. It's awesome. "Gabrielle Solis, did you have a nose job?" she asks. Gaby tries to change the subject back to Renee, but Bree is fixated on the fact that Gaby has been bragging about her looks for years. "I never bragged," lies Gaby. Lynette: "You once called your face proof of God's existence." HA! "And now we find out you've had plastic surgery. Ooh, this changes everything!" And really, the way Lynette says this is more teasing than anything, but Gaby is completely affronted. She tries to say that the surgery wasn't cosmetic, but can't make the lie believable. "You will regret this," she growls at Renee, and she storms out of the house, even as Lynette calls for her not to get her nose out of joint. And then she and Bree high five. Heh.

Commercials.

Bree is practically asleep on her kitchen table when Mary Alice pops up to say, "Bree Van de Kamp had a problem. Her boyfriend's sexual appetite was proving to be exhausting. And then, out of the blue, Bree came up with a solution. Since Keith's demands were overwhelming her, why not make some overwhelming demands of her own?" Cut to Bree handing Keith a long list of things to do around the house. He says he can get it done by Friday, but she says that it all has to be done that day. Oh Bree.

Over at the Scavos', Lynette hands Tom a bag of cookies that his mom baked for his trip. "Macaroons?" Tom asks excitedly, but Lynette says, no, they're oatmeal raisin. "Oh. Those are my dad's favorites." Subtle hint number 2. Lynette teases him about trading cookies with another boy on the plane, but Tom says that she has to admit that his mom has been great with the baby. "She has been great," agrees Lynette. "You were right. I was wrong." Tom: "Oh, if only these were macaroons, this would be the best day of my life." Hee! Laughing, Lynette tells him to call her when he lands, they kiss goodbye and Tom leaves. See, cute scene!

Lynette heads into the kitchen to sit down to dinner with her family. Allison offhandedly mentions that Tom said Lynette would be going back to work. "I must say, I don't understand that," says Allison. They cut to a reaction shot from Lynette, but boy do I wish we could see the kids' faces. Lynette, diplomatically, just says, "Well, that's okay." For a second, it seems like everything will be fine, but then one of the twins holds up his glass and pulls a Tom. Lynette tells him that his grandmother is not there to serve him, but this only prompts the same action from both of the other boys. Allison tells Penny to get the boys their sodas while she gets the meatloaf. "Why?" demands Penny awesomely, but Allison says that they have to take care of their men. Penny actually stands up to do as her grandmother says, but Lynette calmly says, "Penny, sit. You boys want a drink, get up and get it." Hell yeah.

"They had such a long day," says Allison. "Classes and then their after school sports." Is Preston even in college? That hasn't been addressed since the Irina fiasco. Lynette, clearly on the verge of losing it, says the men in her house get off their asses and help themselves. "When did it become a sin to take care of your family?" asks Allison, oblivious to the fact that she's pushing Lynette's buttons. "You modern women, you just plop out a baby and then you can't wait to get back to your silly careers." DANGER! DANGER! Not to mention that after she had the first four she didn't go back to work until Tom basically forced her too. But Grandma has dementia, so we'll let it slide. "I took care of my boys," continues Allison. "When my husband came home there was a hot meal waiting for him on the table. He never wanted for anything."

"Yeah, and how did that work out for you?" asks Lynette, acting rashly. "He had an affair and left." Wow, he left? After all those years? See what you miss by not mentioning Tom's parents for six years, show? The children are completely stunned by their mother's words. They are giving her the dirtiest looks imaginable. Allison quietly leaves the room, and Lynette just gives a little shrug and says, "Damn it." Love it. So much with so little.

That night, Bree is in bed reading when Keith enters and proclaims that every part of his body hurts. Bree offers to let him stay there, but when they cuddle down together it only takes Keith about five seconds to become aroused. "You said every part of your body was sore," says Bree, but Keith amends that to say that one part is okay. Finally, Bree is fed up. She leaps out of bed and declares that she "can no longer keep up with [him] and [his] Woody Woodpecker sex drive." Woody Woodpecker had a sex drive? I'll never view that cartoon the same way again. Keith is confused, so Bree spells it out: she's old and doesn't have his stamina.

Keith gets out of bed, arguing that he's the one who can't keep up. Bree speaks French and wants to discuss symbolism, things he can't do. "You're ten times smarter than me," he says (grammatically it should be "I." Bad time to point that out?). "That's why I keep sexing you up. I'm trying to keep you interested." Aw, that's almost sweet. You know, if I cared about him at all. "Make no mistake, I am interested," says Bree. "I love when I am prattling on about the meaning of the angel, you notice the wires. You have your own way of seeing the world and it's fun and down-to-earth and everything I'm not." Now that is sweet, especially coming from Bree. Keith realizes that Bree likes him the way he is. They kiss and agree to actually sleep through the night.

Commercials.

Tom arrives home from his business trip to find a stranger on the couch holding Paige. She introduces herself as Jenny, the new nanny, and before Tom can respond, Lynette bounds down the stairs with an appeasing smile on her face. "Yeah, isn't it great?" she enthuses. "I offered her a little more money and she took the job." Then, as an aside to Tom, "She's the one with the boobs." Tom is not amused. He asks Lynette if he can talk to her upstairs, but then tells her he'll meet her up there.

A few minutes later, Tom comes into the bedroom and tells Lynette he fired Jenny. Oh boy. "What? You had no right to do that!" snaps Lynette, but Tom counters that Lynette had no right to make his mom feel unwelcome in his house. So, wait. Did Tom talk to Allison at some point? Did Jenny the nanny somehow tell him what went down? Did he run into one of the kids? And where does this fall compared to Lynette actually kicking his father out of the house? I suppose he could just mean generally unwelcome by hiring the new nanny, but this seems rather specific. I don't know. "She just wanted to be a part of this family," he growls.

"Tom, I love your mother," yells Lynette. "And if this were 1955, I would be so on board with her parenting techniques, but I will not let her raise our children to turn out like--" Again, DANGER! "Whoa, whoa," says Tom. "Finish that sentence. Turn out like me?" "No, no," says Lynette, trying to backtrack. "I didn't say that. But, wait, let's be honest, when we first met, you thought there were only two roles for women: making a cake or jumping out of one." Really? If that's the case then Tom came a HUGE way from how he was when they met to how he was in season one. I just have a bit of a hard time reconciling a guy who has a wife like Lynette and is such a hands-on dad with a guy that would have been that backwards. Am I supposed to believe Lynette changed him? Or did he change because she showed him how independent a woman could be? Of course, Lynette has a tendency to exaggerate in the heat of the moment, but my mind is still a little bit blown by this, and it's going to force me to rethink a bit how Tom was pre-series.

"For our entire marriage, you have been the one to make the decisions: 'I'm going back to work. I'm hiring a nanny.' Well this time, I am making the decision: she stays." Wow. Look at Tom putting his foot down. I really think, though, that Lynette would have been better served by pointing out that his mother was making Penny subservient to her brothers. To me, the gender imbalance would have been more pronounced for Tom if Lynette had shown him exactly how it was affecting their children. But, you know, maybe she did. We'll never know, because the scene ends there and goes to...

...Susan, actually at school for once. The bell rings and the kids just start to put their supplies away (As if. Ineffective time management, Susan), and then Susan's cell phone rings. It's Maxine, and she wants Susan back for one last job. Some guy has been offering her big bucks for a private session with Tonya. Well I wonder who that could be.

Finally, we're caught up to the teaser of this episode. Emma Graham is chatting up Gaby at the bar, but Gaby couldn't care less. She's still bitter about Renee spilling her secret. Emma leaves to go get ready, and Carlos tries to convince Gaby to come sit down with their friends. "No! I'm sick of Lynette making those Cyrano de Bergerac jokes. Whoever she was." Carlos: "He. And maybe they are just teasing you." Is it wrong how much I love that the show plays up the intellectual disparities between the characters sometimes? I like that they're all still friends despite the glaring differences in their educations. And I like that (usually) the couplings match where the friends might not. For instance, Bree and Orson and Bree and Rex were clearly on the same page; Susan and Mike also seem to be on par and Tom and Lynette too (those two do the best silent communication when they get something that goes over another character's head). Carlos and Gaby are the only couple that's really not matched (excluding Bree and Keith, who I don't think will last), and it has been somewhat of a power struggle for them in the past. Just something that I've always found interesting.

Anyway, Gaby points out that her "thing" was her natural beauty. "Like Susan's an artist, Lynette's a great businesswoman, Bree's the perfect homemaker. I was the beautiful one. Now I'm just the plastic one." Heh. Also, Bree made a similar speech to Katherine back in season four. It's interesting to see how they view each other and themselves. Just then, Renee enters on Doug's arm and Gaby spots them. She tells Carlos how much she wants to smack Renee; Carlos just shuts his eyes and prays for the night to end.

Renee is gushing to Doug about how great it is to be with him. He says it's great to be with her. Kissy kissy.

Back at the bar, Karen and Lee (what an odd pairing) come up to Gaby and mock her too. Gaby, now very drunk and angry, doesn't hesitate to grab the free bottle of champagne the bar is offering Doug and take it to his table. Why the hell did Carlos leave her alone? He should foresee this kind of thing. Gaby stumbles up to the table, announces that Renee slept with Doug's lawyer, and then stumbles away. Heh. Doug asks if it's true, and when Renee doesn't deny it, he storms off.

Cue a man announcing Emma's performance. Gaby is cheering for her loudly when Renee comes over and drags her outside. "Why the hell would you tell him that?" she demands. She says that her marriage trumps Gaby's nose and then calls Gaby's life pathetic. "I'm pathetic?" shouts Gaby. "Hey, what do you call a girl who sleeps with a guy for eight million dollars?"

A few seconds later, Gaby and Renee come tumbling into the bar and we're back to the opening. Lee jumps in; Gaby gets punched; Lynette gasps while Carlos does nothing.

Commercials.

The next day (I assume), Renee is drinking coffee and wearing the biggest necklace ever when her phone rings. It's Doug. He's calling to say that he's been thinking, and as far as he can tell, they're even now. He still wants her back.

Over at the Scavo house, Allison sits at the kitchen table when Lynette comes in. They stare at one another awkwardly for a moment, and then Lynette walks over to get the coffee pot. She sits down next to her mother-in-law and pours a cup. "I am so sorry for saying those things about your husband," says Lynette sincerely. I wish I could see a whole scene where these two discuss marriage because it intrigues me. Allison apologizes too, but Lynette waves it off. "It just felt so nice to feel useful again," says Allison. "You are useful," agrees Lynette. "And I really need you here. Especially when I go back to work."

"You know," says Allison, "the kitchen is my favorite room in the house. The family sits together here, you get to cook for them and make them happy. And I just don't understand why you would ever want to give all that up to go out there." Ah jeez. This is just...excellent. That's all there is to it. Lynette, teary-eyed, can only sigh, "It's just who I am." God, I love it. Lynette's struggle to be a mother and a businesswoman is absolutely fascinating to me, even after all of these years. Allison nods, probably acknowledging this more than understanding it, when Penny comes in and says the baby is crying. Lynette gives Allison a kiss on the cheek and goes to deal with Paige.

Penny bites into one of the delicious-looking cookies sitting out on the table when her grandmother turns to her with a dreamy look. "I'm so sorry, what's your name again?" she asks. Penny, confused, tells her who she is, but then Allison asks if Penny lives there. Now Penny may only be 11 (ahem, 13), but she knows something is up.

Outside, Renee and Gaby approach each other. Each has an apology gift, roses and chocolates, respectively. Renee tells Gaby that she decided not to take Doug back, but she's keeping the ring he gave her. She also thanks Gaby for being a real friend, and then they walk down the street together, arms linked.

Susan's getting ready for her second private show by drinking. Smart move. She turns on the camera, but no one is there. After a second, a hand pops onto screen and waves to her, and Susan is actually fooled into thinking that this perv is shy like her. She tries to bond over that fact, but suddenly the man sits down in front of the screen. Surprise, surprise (not), it's Paul Young. Susan screams and literally jumps away from the computer like Paul is going to attack her. HA! Also: how did she not recognize her own house? Susan covers herself up and hesitantly approaches the screen again.

"I'm glad you put your robe back on. I hate to see you debasing yourself," says Paul. Haha. Susan wants to know what he wants, but of course it's obvious: he wants her house. She says it's not for sale, but Paul is willing to blackmail her. He subtly hints that if she doesn't do what he wants, he's going to blab her secret life to everyone. Well that sucks. "You son of a bitch," says Susan. Paul tells her to take a couple of days to think about it and signs off.

"He knew what he was doing was wrong," says Mary Alice as Paul creepily strokes the big poster of Susan that he stole last week. "He knew it was very dangerous." Paul walks outside and surveys the neighborhood with a big grin. "He knew the risks if people found out, but Paul Young wanted to punish those who had betrayed him. So he had a plan that would set neighbor against neighbor and friend against friend. And it was a plan that was going to succeed." How ominous. Now, see, here is where I wondered if he was going to get between marriages too. Like, if he's really planning to take over the whole neighborhood, is he going to drive wedges in between the Scavos and the Solises by figuring out their secrets (Tom and whatever he and Renee did, and Gaby and the truth about Juanita's death)? Or will he blackmail them too for their homes? If he messes with those couples, I will hurt him. I don't care if he's a fictional character.

Well that was a very good episode, and I actually enjoyed it more on my second viewing. I'd give it a solid A this week.

DH recap: The Thing That Counts is What's Inside

Season Seven, Episode Four: "The Thing That Counts is What's Inside"

Mary Alice wastes no time jumping into things this week. We barely get an establishing shot of Carlos and Gaby walking in the park when she tells us that "Carlos Solis loved his wife more than anything." Cue flashbacks: first Gaby is bragging about how amazing her skin is ("Even though she was vain"), next she's complaining about having to give money to the church ("selfish"), and finally Gaby throws a tantrum, complete with foot stomp, about Carlos buying her the wrong dress ("and spoiled"). Back to the Solises walking through the park. "But in those moments when his wife was simply vulnerable, Carlos loved her just a little bit more." Well, yeah, I don't know why he wouldn't love her more in those moments; I'm sure every husband on the street feels the same way about his wife.

It turns out that the reason Gaby is so sensitive is because they're about to meet the family of their biodaughter for the first time. Gaby is worried about what to say to the other family, but Carlos tells her that it will be fine. Well, that's a far cry from the Carlos of last week. Suddenly they're interrupted by a man who comes up and introduces himself as Hector Sanchez. After pleasantries are exchanged, Hector asks where Juanita is (she's over at the swings with Celia), and then mentions that his own daughter, Grace, is with her mother. "That's her name? Grace?" asks Gaby, melting my heart. The group begins to walk across the park.

Gaby asks how Hector and his wife have been handling the situation. "We're still in shock. Since your lawyer called us, we haven't been able to sleep or eat. This whole thing is so crazy," says Hector. You're telling me, bud. Carlos also agrees. Then Hector goes on to say, "They couldn't have switched our babies. It's got to be a mistake. Maybe we should take a blood test." Carlos' eyes drift across the way to a picnic table where a little girl shouts at her mom about packing the wrong colored jacket, getting so mad that she stamps her foot. Carlos instantly says that they won't need the blood test. Backing this up, Mary Alice comes back in: "Yes, Carlos Solis loved his wife. And he knew her DNA when he saw it."

Wee little credits.

"It's called a purse," says Mary Alice as the camera backs away from a close-up on a purse. "And as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything. From a personalized cell phone to a romance novel to much needed medication. Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of: every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not." Each of these examples is, you might have guessed, backed up by a visual aid, but as they're all strangers, none of them really matter until we get to the last one: Gaby. She pulls out lipstick and starts applying it as Mrs. Sanchez glares at her. "Carlos and I feel like we shouldn't tell the girls," says Gaby, and Hector agrees that they need to protect their daughters. However, the Solises also think that since both families want to get to know their biodaughters, maybe they should get together once a month. "That sounds reasonable," says Hector, asking for his wife's opinion (her name, by the way, is apparently Carmen). She agrees with a less than convincing, "I guess."

Ignoring the obvious angry vibe Carmen is giving off, Carlos directs the group's attention to the girls; all three of them are playing ball. Hector generously says that he's sure they'll all become very good friends (which I think it more wishful thinking than anything else at this point), and they all reminisce about how much their biodaughters look like various family members. At this point, Grace runs up to the table. Now, it seems obvious to mention here that Grace is a tiny little thing while her parents are a little rounder. To me, it seems like they're trying to play up some kind of "obvious" physical difference between the families, but it really just makes Celia seem all the more out of place. Juanita and Celia look more alike than Grace and Celia do (and not just because of the weight difference). Plus what are the writers trying to say: that weight is genetic? Because again, then, explain Celia. I mean, I'm not saying that chubby parents can't have skinny kids and vice versa, but they seem to be making a distinct point here that doesn't sit right because of Celia. This whole episode plays up a kind of nature versus nurture argument here, but it all becomes moot in light of the Solises' younger daughter. Basically, Celia throws a big curve ball into the believability of this plot. Not to mention that I think a lot of Gaby's defining qualities are learned, not inherited (the selfishness, greediness, and sense of entitlement, for instance).

Anyway, Grace wants to know if she can have some money for the ice cream truck. Carmen says no, so Gaby sticks her foot in it by offering to treat Grace to the ice cream. While Hector and Carmen exchange "can you believe this woman?" looks, Grace mentions that she likes Gaby's purse, so Gaby lets her hold it. "I bet it costs a lot, right?" asks Grace, and she's chastised by her mother for bringing up money. The little cutie apologizes, but Gaby glosses over that and starts waxing poetic about the purse. "You can have one by working very hard," she tells Grace. "Or by marrying a man who works very hard." HA! Even Carlos gets a look over that comment.

After Grace runs off with the money, Carlos compliments the Sanchezes on raising such a polite little girl. "I can see that Grace couldn't have had a better mother," he says, earning a scowl from Gaby. Hector returns the compliment, and as Gaby starts to babble on about how great of a mom she is, Juanita storms up and starts screaming for Gaby's attention. Now, again, a learned behavior. I don't know, this whole thing just seems rather wishy washy to me. Although maybe it would be in real life too, who knows.

Juanita wants money for ice cream. "What is the magic word?" snaps Gaby. Juanita: "I don't know? Hurry?" HA! God, I love Juanita. Under her breath, Gaby mutters that the magic word is please while she digs for her money. "Fine. Please," says Juanita, complete with an eye roll. Gaby slaps the money into her hand, and Juanita complains about needing more than one scoop. When all she earns is a glare in response, she stalks off with a loud sigh. "I'm sorry, what was I saying?" asks Gaby, turning her attention back to the Sanchezes. "You were talking about what a good mother you are," says Carmen smugly. Gaby's smile becomes a little more forced.

As you might recall, this week's theme is purses, so we transition to a shot of Susan's sitting on the kitchen counter. She reaches inside for a book of matches (which seems like a really odd thing for her to keep in her purse), and then she and Mike light the papers for his car loan on fire. Yes, dumb and dumber have somehow already paid off that debt. "If we keep this up we could reach flat broke in time for Christmas," jokes Susan lamely. I shouldn't complain; at least she has clothes on in this scene. They're interrupted by a knock at the door; it's Maxine.

Susan calls that the door is open, and Maxine comes in and starts to flirt with Mike ("If I was fifteen years younger, I'd ride you like a hobo rides a boxcar."). Mike laughingly thanks her, but says she still has to fix the air conditioner. Then he goes to take a shower. They really haven't given James Denton much to do yet this season, have they?

"I need to talk some business with you," says Maxine as soon as Mike is out of the room. Susan starts to talk about her plans for her next show, but Maxine throws her for a loop by telling her that she should quit. THANK GOD! "The website's going through some changes," says Maxine, explaining that she brought in some partners who are investing a lot of cash and want a huge US presence. Susan freaks out, saying that Maxine promised no one would ever see her (apparently Susan doesn't know how the internet works), and that she still needs the money. "Honey, I'm sorry," says Maxine. She tells Susan she has a couple of weeks to a month before all of this happens, and Susan agrees to work up until the end. "I'm gonna miss you, honey," says Maxine as she heads out the door. "No one will ever wear the rubber gloves and fishnets like you do."

Lynette's purse is flung on the kitchen table over the wailing cries of baby Paige (and oh my gosh, is that little stinker cute!! I love babies!). "Okay, we get it. You're unhappy. We got it in every aisle at the market, we got it four times during the night, and we get it now," Lynette whines, but just as Penny prompts Lynette to put the groceries away, Paige shuts up. Lynette shushes the older child, and her voice drops to a whisper as she tells Penny just to let the ice cream melt. With perfect timing, the phone begins to ring and Lynette runs across the room to grab it. It's the grocery store, calling to tell her that she left her license there. After she hangs up, Lynette complains to Penny that she's going to have to drag Paige back to the store and the crying will start all over again. "If I didn't look so good in that photo, I'd get a new one," she jokes. Hahaha. Penny says that Lynette should leave the baby with her, but Lynette isn't so sure. "Mom, you leave her with the boys. And they don't change her diaper until it weighs as much as she does." Hehehe.

Cut to a little while later. Lynette runs into the house, and it's clear she's been on edge from the moment she left. Everything is fine, though. Penny and the baby are on the floor, and Paige is still asleep. The baby is SO cute. I can't get over it. Penny reports that the baby woke up for a little while, but after Penny changed her diaper, she fell back to sleep. "Aw, you changed her diaper. Where'd you learn how to do that?" asks Lynette, crouching down to check on the baby. Penny reminds Lynette that she's seen her do it a hundred times. Lynette looks at Penny, clearly proud and impressed, and says, "You're so good with her." Then inspiration strikes. She asks Penny if she minds watching Paige for a little longer while she takes a shower; Penny generously ups the offer by telling Lynette to take a bath. New Penny is a suck up. "Whoever raised you did a brilliant job," says Lynette, blowing her daughter a kiss and running for the stairs. Hehe.

Whackadoodle Beth pulls an empty bottle of aspirin out of her purse, complaining about how there's none left. "Do you have a headache?" asks Paul. Nope; she has a back ache. Paul quickly points out that her back wouldn't hurt so much if she wasn't sleeping on the couch, but Beth nips this theory in the bud but quick.

Suddenly, Lee bursts in and announces that Paul is the proud new owner of his old house. HA! I love Lee. Beth stands up with a scandalized, "You bought your old house?!" and Paul calmly tells Lee they'll talk later. "Okay," says Lee, confused. "Well, here are your keys, your complimentary endangered species calendar, and a kitchen magnet with my face on it. Yes, I know I look cross-eyed, but they assured me they will correct that on the next batch. Enjoy!" And Lee awkwardly backs out of the house. Where can I buy a Lee magnet? Because I will totally splurge on one.

"Why would you buy that house? Our lease won't be up for a year," demands Beth. Paul says that it seems like a good investment, but Beth wants to know specifically why that house. Mr. Young doesn't want to discuss it, especially with a woman who thinks of herself as his wife during the day, but a house guest at night. Ooh snap! That's one point for Paul.

Bree's purse is beige. Is anyone surprised by that? It's still cute, though. She has it on her wrist as she locks up the house and steps toward Keith, who is painting her shutters. Bree wants to know what his plans for their date on Friday are. Keith says he can't tell her yet, but he's working on something he's pretty stoked about. "Well that sounds lovely," says Bree. "I too am stoked." HAHA! Dragging Bree out of her comfort zone is a fun time for everyone. She rubs some paint off of his cheek, and the camera pulls back to across the street, where Renee watches them from Lynette's porch.

"What are you doing?" asks Lynette, coming outside and towel drying her hair. Nice nod to continuity there, show. She accuses Renee of spying on Bree again (does Renee just stand on her porch all day to do this? Weird), and Renee doesn't deny it, simply saying that she doesn't understand why Keith would go for someone as old as Bree. Lynette says they're the same age (which I find a little odd, because for some reason I was under the impression that Bree was the oldest of the group by a couple of years, although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure why I thought that. Maybe because her kids are so much older? Does it matter? No.). Anyway, Renee tries and fails to argue that she's thirty, and Lynette adds that Bree has always looked young. "When she used to go out with her grandkid, people would think he was her son." Well that's a generous explanation. I'm sure the fact that Bree faked the pregnancy and told everyone that he was her son also helped. Even without this extra information, Renee is intrigued.

Commercials.

Penny is doing her homework when Lynette announces that she's running over to Gaby's for a minute to say hi to the girls. She's not going to stay for poker since the baby threw up on Gaby's couch last week and is no longer welcome. Hehe. "Why don't you just leave her with me?" asks Penny. Lynette isn't so sure, as this would be for a couple of hours, but Penny points out that she'll be "right next door." Well, down the street, but way to drive home your point, kiddo. "Oh don't toy with me," says Lynette, obviously considering the offer. "I'm operating on two hours of sleep. I'm vulnerable." Penny rolls her eyes and tells her to go, even offering that she loves spending time with her little sis. "Oh, Penny Lyn Scavo," says Lynette, handing over the baby and dropping her bag (Lynette, you forgot your theme!), "you are officially my favorite." As she heads out the door, she tells Penny that they're going to leave everything to her in the will. "Keep in mind we're poor, so it's really more of a symbolic gesture."

Over at poker, Gaby has decided to tell the girls about the baby switch because they're her dearest and oldest friends (by the way, Susan is not there; Renee is, though Gaby is quick to mention that she's not a friend, she just doesn't want to be rude and kick her out). She holds out a picture of Grace and tells everyone that this is her daughter. Confused looks abound.

Cut to later; Gaby has explained everything and Bree and Lynette are stunned. Neither of them can imagine going through what Gaby is. Gaby says that it was awful at first, but since they've met Grace, things have been better. "Thank God the parents are lovely," she adds. Lynette asks who else knows, and Gaby says not many people, so she asks them to keep it on the DL. Good thing she didn't tell Susan. Ah, I'm kidding. Susan did manage to keep Lynette's pregnancy a secret for the better part of last year, after all. Bree and Lynette agree, and then all three girls turn to stare at Renee. "Oh, don't worry about me," she says. "Up until today, I thought you were Juanita." Ha.

Bree asks Gaby to tell them what it was like to see Grace. Gaby starts off sweetly enough, saying that she immediately felt a pull toward Grace (Bree: "Well of course, you carried her for nine months"), and then this amazing thing happened: Grace touched her purse and knew it was expensive. "Now that is a Hallmark moment," snarks Lynette. "You don't understand," says Gaby. "When I was a kid, I used to sneak Vogues out of my aunt's hair salon and make my own high fashion paper dolls. I know what it's like to be that kid with her face pressed against the department store window. Grace is me at her age. So I decided to do something for her." This whole time, Bree and Lynette have been staring at Gaby with these sweet, compassionate looks on their faces. But when Gaby whips out a little Chanel bag, those looks change to astonishment. Renee, on the other hand, cries, "You are the best mother ever!" Hahaha. Awesome.

Beth is in her closet, picking out a shirt when she turns and notices that the lights are on over at the old Young place. So she heads across the street to investigate. Inside, Paul stands in the living room, tears in his eyes, and doesn't turn around when Beth comes inside. "I just want to understand, that's all," says Beth. "Are we going to move here?" Paul says no. "Then why would you buy this house?" she asks desperately. "It must be filled with so many unpleasant memories."

"I don't see any unpleasant memories," says Paul, which sure is a change from the first two seasons, when he was desperate to sell the place and get the hell out of Dodge. Sorry, I'm interrupting the nostalgia: "I see the couch where my wife and I would sit and have our morning coffee. I see the Christmas tree in the corner by the fireplace. I see the chair where I would sit and read stories to my son. I was loved in this house. I had a real marriage here." He turns to face Beth with a pointed look. Sadly, she tries to explain how hard this is for her, and how Paul keeping secrets from her doesn't help. Slowly, Paul crosses the room and takes her hand. "You're right," he agrees. "There should be no secrets between us. Secrets are why this house is empty right now." Wow. Really sad scene. I've always felt really bad for Paul. I mean, I think it's been obvious from the start how much he loved Mary Alice. That's why he killed Martha, after all. I wonder if we'll ever get to see him reunite with Zach.

Next door, Bree opens her door to find Keith on the other side. He's super excited to announce that he has tickets to see the Black Eyed Peas. "Wow. That's just...Wow," says Bree. Hehehe. Keith is surprised by how underwhelmed she is, but Bree lies that she lives to rock. The doorbell rings. "You know, I'm not as old as you might think." She answers the door to find Danielle and Benjamin on the other side, the latter of whom immediately yells, "Grandma!" and wraps Bree in a big hug. Aw. "Surprise!" shouts Danielle, giving Bree an oddly warm hug. Bree asks what they're doing there, and Danielle explains that they're there for the weekend. Suddenly she notices Keith, and awkward introductions are made.

Benjamin, the only one not picking up on the tension, presents Bree with a present: slippers for her poor circulation. Hehehe. He also calls her "grandma" about ten times, prompting Bree to snap, "Please stop calling me that, you...precious child." Keith says that Bree should spend the night with her family since they came all that way. In an oddly polite move, Danielle says they should go if they had plans, but Keith says there's nothing more important than family. Yeah, especially seeing the grandson who was ripped from your home and you rarely see, right Bree? Blessedly, Keith leaves.

"I guess I heard wrong," says Danielle. "You seem to be bouncing back just fine." Bree, understandably, is confused because all normal people recover from their divorces in .5 seconds, so Danielle clarifies: "When your friend called, she said you were having a hard time since Orson left." Bree realizes the friend was Renee, which Danielle confirms, happily mentioning that Renee sent them first class tickets. "I wish I had a friend like that," she chirps. "Oh trust me," says Bree, "you don't." Let's all thank Joy Lauren for hauling her butt in for this ONE SCENE. I was so disappointed. I love Danielle and she is so underused.

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Oh darn. Here's Susan. But, once again, she actually has clothes on, so I really shouldn't complain. In fact, she's driving down the street when she notices a billboard going up for the website and grabs her cell phone to call Maxine. She's just bitching about the fact that this is going public faster than she thought, when suddenly she screams, "Oh my God!" and we cut back to the billboard just in time to see them hauling a picture of Susan's face up to complete the picture. She drives over, honking, and then jumps out of the car, screaming that they can't put up that picture. The worker couldn't care less. Desperate, Susan rushes over and actually jumps up, grabbing the paper. She's slowly lifted from the ground, but when the picture inevitably rips and she drops back to earth, it's unfortunately not a far enough drop to hurt her.

Back on the Lane, Karen is out on her porch drinking a beer when Paul walks up. "What do you want?" she barks. Paul wants to know if she'd be interested in selling her house. AH HA! I knew his evil plan had something to do with real estate acquisitions! Maybe he'll blow up the whole street like the folks on Little House on the Prairie did to Walnut Grove. Anyway, Karen's answer is no, but Paul continues to wax poetic about how she should sell the house to someone who will care for it. You know, before she has a stroke and has to sell it to people who will take advantage of a sick old lady. Isn't Karen married? What happened to Roy? Not that she needs a man to stick up for her because she orders Paul off the porch with no problem. "Alright, didn't mean to upset you," says Paul. "My offer still stands. As I said, it all comes from my great love for this beautiful neighborhood." Hehehe.

Apparently it's no boys allowed week at the Scavos', because Penny, Lynette and Paige are still alone together in that house. Paige is crying again, and this time Lynette doesn't hesitate to dump her off on Penny so she can take a jog. "Mom, I've got a test today. I cannot be late for the bus," says Penny, bouncing the baby. Lynette says that she understands and she'll be back in twenty.

Cut to Lynette running down the street only to be accosted by Bree who, my sister pointed out, looks hot in her jeans. Yes, that's right: Bree is wearing jeans. Record this moment. She needs to talk to Lynette, though she's surprised to see that Lynette is out again without the baby. "Penny is watching her," pants Lynette. "It is the most amazing thing. Only when you've spawned as much as I have do you learn the glorious truth: the older ones can watch the younger ones. Babies having babies: bad. Babies raising babies: genius!" Bree, deadpan: "I'm happy for you." HA! Brilliant delivery there. Lynette points out that she doesn't look happy, and Bree says that's why they need to talk. She takes Lynette by the elbow and drags her toward her house.

Inside, Bree has just finished telling Lynette about Renee's evil plot. Lynette isn't surprised; she says it's vintage Renee. Bree adds that they're going out to dinner too (apparently Keith called and asked for permission), so Lynette tells her that she needs to fight back. Of course, Bree already knows this; she called Lynette over for advice. "Oh, she once slept with a rodeo clown," says Lynette. "But he's a senator now. Oh, she's got this really weird bellybutton, but by the time he finds that out they're already getting it on. Uh, she used to freak out whenever The Wizard of Oz was on TV. I think it was the munchkins. There's something about little people that gives her the heebie jeebies." Hehehe. Suddenly, Lynette notices the time, and she flies out of the house, apologizing for not being able to help. Bree takes a devious bite of a cookie.

Back home, Lynette finds a note from Penny saying that she went to school, so she rushes upstairs, but finds the baby's crib empty. Oh, and let me add now that the crib is in her bedroom. Just an FYI. Panicked, she wonders where Paige is. Cut to the school bus, where Penny is holding the baby while on her way to school. All of the other kids are gaping at the baby. "Stop breathing on my sister!" she snaps. Awesome. Also, no school uniform? Did they switch her to public school this season? And where was Parker during all of this? He's still in high school. And Tom? Is he suddenly making up for all of those erratic work hours? For a house so full of people, no one ever seems to be around.

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Lynette bursts into the school and tells the secretary that she's looking for her daughter, Penny Scavo. The secretary directs her to the principal's office, and during the walk there, Lynette gets glares from all of the staff as well as a young boy waiting for the principal. Well this won't end well. Lynette doesn't handle judgment of her parenting skills with any kind of grace.

A few minutes later, Lynette holds Paige while the principal lectures her about leaving the baby in Penny's care. Oh how I wish that Penny was still in private school and that this was the same principal that Lynette tricked into taking on her twins so many years ago. This would be a great time for a callback to that, and I can only imagine the hilarity that would result from that poor man realizing he'd have to take on another Scavo in five years. Remember when Parker was attacking his teacher with an umbrella? Good times. But we're stuck with stuffy Principal Harris.

Lynette tries to ease the tension with a joke, but the principal isn't having it. "Come on. Give me a break," implores Lynette. "I am raising five kids. You have no idea how hard that is." Principal Harris turns around a picture of herself and her eight kids for Lynette's viewing pleasure. Then she goes on to say that Penny is helping Lynette out more than she realizes. "Do you know Penny takes the baby monitor to bed with her so she can get up for the feedings?" Lynette is astonished, as am I. Does this show really expect me to believe that Penny hears the baby crying through a monitor and attends to her before Lynette and Tom wakes up in their OWN BEDROOM to deal with the kid? Sorry, show, I don't buy it. Especially when you just established at the beginning of the episode that Lynette was exhausted from being up all night with the baby. Sheesh.

Anyway, Principal Harris goes on to mention that Penny is exhausted; she even fell asleep during social studies yesterday. "I had no idea," says Lynette wearily. "Oh my gosh. Yes, I will talk to Penny when she gets home. And I will fix this." The principal condescendingly says that would be nice, and Lynette goes off. "Okay," she says in that annoyed tone of hers. "You know what? Enough with the judgmental tone. Come on, who among us is a perfect mother?" Principal Sourpuss turns around a World's Best Mother mug. Well, if I've learned anything from Michael Scott it's that it's not hard to buy one of those for yourself. Still, Lynette looks abashed. She must really be exhausted.

Gaby knocks on the door of the Sanchez home, but Carmen isn't thrilled to see her, reminding Gaby that they said they would call first if they wanted to see the kids. Gaby lies that she was in the neighborhood and asks if Grace is home. Gee, Gaby, you think she might be in school? Like your kids are. Carmen says that Grace isn't there, so Gaby asks if Carmen could give her the purse. "Thank you," says Carmen shortly, "but Grace already has a purse." Gaby wants to know if it's Chanel. Oh Gaby, shut up. Carmen says it's a two dollar purse from a flea market, but Grace is very happy with it. Raise your hand if you're surprised that Gaby thinks Grace will like hers better. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Carmen launches into a rant about how she would like to buy her kids nice things, but that their family isn't like the Solises. "We can't afford luxuries. We can barely afford the necessities." Not getting the point, Gaby offers to help out if they need it, but Carmen tells her that all that they need is for Gaby to let them be who they are. Then she tells Gaby to call next time and slams the door in her face. Ouch. This is hard to watch. I mean, I do get where Gaby is coming from. She grew up poor and for her it's the worst thing in the world; it must kill her to see her daughter in that environment (although, really, this house is pretty nice; just not as grand as the Solis home). That doesn't give her the right to intrude, though.

Oh God. Susan is hyperventilating. "You said I had a month," she wheezes at Maxine, who reminds her that she said it was happening ASAP. Susan wants to know how many billboards there are, and Maxine tells her probably a lot. Ha. Still panicking, Susan demands that Maxine call them and get them to take the billboard down, or at least put another girl on them. I wonder what the law says about this. I mean, does that company really own Susan's image? Did she sign a contract or something? Maxine says there's nothing she can do, but Susan completely loses it, actually sinking down to the floor as she sobs that Mike will recognize her panties. "He gave them to me on our anniversary," she whimpers. Jesus, Susan, for once in your life, pull it together. You're a mess. It seems to work on Maxine, though; she offers to make a call.

Back at the Scavos', Penny arrives home from school to find Lynette waiting for her. She looks guilty, obviously thinking she's in trouble, and she apologizes for taking the baby to school. That line made me laugh really hard even though it wasn't supposed to be funny. It just sounds so absurd. "Hey sweetie," calls Lynette as Penny starts up the stairs. "You didn't do anything wrong. I did." Lynette sits down on the stairs and Penny joins her and here, finally looking at the two of them side by side, I have to say that Darcy Rose Byrnes looks less like Felicity Huffman than Kendall Applegate did. I really wish they'd given some kind of explanation for this casting switch. I was hoping they were going to age Penny a couple of years, but they've been insisting all through this episode that she's still eleven, so I guess not. And I'm not finding Byrnes to be a better actress than Applegate, so I wonder why they switched her out. Mysteries, mysteries.

Lynette tells Penny that she knows about the baby monitor snatching that makes no sense. Penny says that she's been doing it so Lynette can sleep, and Lynette heaves a big sigh. "I appreciate that," she says. "And I appreciate how often you have been looking after your little sister." "Well I know how you like to go see your friends and go jogging and stuff," says Penny as Lynette fights back tears. This scene, much like the one with Paul, unexpectedly killed me this week. There's just something so heartbreaking here about Lynette realizing she's going to have to give up what she loves for the good of her kids. Anyway, Penny continues, "And you're different when you get to do those things. You laugh more, you're not as cranky, you stay up late and play board games with us. I like that Mommy better." Lynette pulls Penny toward her, cuddling her a little, and agrees. "But it's not your job to take care of me," she says, and at this point, Tom appears in the doorway, watching but not interrupting. "Your job is to watch television and eat way too much candy. And my job is to make sure that's all your job is." She kisses Penny's forehead, and Penny scampers upstairs.

Tom walks up behind Lynette, laying his hands on her hips, kissing her neck, and telling her how sweet she is. "Get me a nanny," says Lynette calmly. "I am drowning here. You heard what Penny said; I'm not myself anymore. And when I'm not taking it out on the kids, I'm taking advantage of them. So I need help." Tom looks quite taken aback by this declaration, so he offers to help her. Lynette smiles at him gratefully, but tells him that he'll never back it up. "Get me a nanny," she demands. My sister argued here that Lynette raised the first four on her own (not even mentioning that she was REALLY on her own since Tom was traveling all the time), so why would she suddenly need a nanny just for one baby? My answer: this is all a giant set up for the arrival of Tom's mother. And as much as I'm looking forward to that, I have to agree that this is a little contrived. But that's mostly because the last time they played up Lynette needing a nanny, it was much more overwhelming. This seems tame in comparison.

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"You bought an eight-year-old girl a fourteen hundred dollar purse?" demands Carlos as he and Gaby get ready for bed. Has she ever bought Juanita or Celia anything like that, is what I want to know. Gaby tries to justify the purchase, even going so far to say that Carmen reacted irrationally: "Because God forbid that woman let her daughter have nice things." Carlos: "That woman is her mother! And I'm with her on this. You have no right to give Grace expensive things." Gaby says that she does because their life is the one Grace was supposed to have. Does that mean they should stop showering Juanita with the benefits of riches? Besides, Grace would have been poor the first five years of her life anyway. Remember, Gaby?

"This is why I didn't want us to look for her," growls Carlos. "Because we had no idea what would happen once we found her. But you looked, and we met her, and now we're falling in love with this girl. And if you spook these people, they can take her away from us. Forever." Man, Carlos is winning arguments left and right these days, isn't he?

The next morning, Beth is outside fetching the morning paper when Karen walks by. Despite Beth's cheerful greeting, Karen is all vinegar in return. She goes on a rant about how she just had a physical and she'll be around for years. "So you can tell that vulture husband of yours that he'll have to pick at someone else's carcass." Understandably, Beth has no clue what's going on, but Karen gladly informs her.

Later, inside the house, Beth is going to town on some peppers when Paul comes into the kitchen. She casually questions him, asking if he talked to anyone or if anything interesting happened. Paul: "Who would talk to me?" Beth scowls at the lies (although technically that whole scene with Paul and Karen happened the day before. But let's be honest here, the DH Time Gods are never on the side of continuity). Beth knifes the shit out of those peppers. Grrr. You take out your rage, girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Renee is out on her dinner date with Keith. She's trying to ply him with sea urchin, but Keith just keeps making dorky, stupid jokes that Renee pretends are funny. Suddenly a shadow runs by; Renee is bothered, but continues on with her flirting. Keith continues to be a low class fool. Another shadow runs by. "Okay, did you see that?" asks Renee, close to freaking out. She sees a child and screams. By now, even Keith has noticed that something is up. Slowly, Renee begins to explain that she had a traumatic experience at the circus as a child, but before she can finish the story, a little person comes over and asks if he knows her. Renee shrieks, jumps up, and literally tries climbing the walls to get away. "Is he there with his tiny hands?! I can't look at his tiny hands!!!!" She throws a coat on the man, which Keith promptly removes, apologizing. He shouldn't; this is the funniest scene since Bree's lap dance last year. The little person leaves, and Renee climbs down.

In a private room, the little person approaches Bree and tells her that she should have seen Renee's face. Bree heard the screaming, though, and that was enough for her. She thanks him, and he says he'll see her in church. Amazing.

From the hilarious to the somber, we join Susan as she bitches to Maxine about having to pay $9000 in order for them to take down the billboards. Apparently the "partners" agreed to take them down as long as Susan footed the bill. Susan is, of course, upset. If she gives up that money, she and Mike will be back to square one. So, wait? Nine thousand bucks and she and Mike are already climbing out of the hole? How bad could it have been then? That's chump change compared to my student loans. Whatever. Maxine points out that Susan will also have to explain where the money went. I don't trust Maxine. I think she has ulterior motives to keep Susan trapped in indentured servitude until all of our eyeballs fall out.

Susan says that maybe she should just let them put up the billboards and be done with it, but Maxine says there's another way. "You could earn that money back, and fast too." She tells Susan that Va-Va-Va-Broom offers other services too, and that if Susan is willing to go the extra mile, she could earn a lot of cash quickly. Apparently these other services are private, one-on-one interactions of a racier nature. We don't get the details, but Susan is obviously considering it. Ew.

In a creepily lit alley, we see a mysterious man's feet approach a dumpster. He finds the crumpled poster of Susan's face, picks it up, and leaves with it. Great. Susan has a stalker. Just what this plot needed.

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The next day, Renee comes over to yell at Bree about exploiting her terror of little people. Hehehe. She threatens to tell Keith what Bree did, but Bree tells her that she'll tell on her too. Neener neener. Seriously, ladies, this guy is not that hot or interesting. You could both do better. Keith arrives, and Renee wants to ask him directly which of them he wants. A direct question? With no passive aggressive bullshit? I may die of a stroke. As Renee begins to ask, though, Bree circumvents the question by asking Keith about paint colors instead. Then she sends him off to fetch the paint.

"What's the matter, Bree? Afraid you'll lose?" asks Renee once Keith is gone. Defeated, Bree tells Renee that she can have Keith. "I don't get his references, I can't stay up late like he does...I'm being silly." Yes, yes you are. And you can do better, sweetie. Seriously, he is the most uninteresting man you've ever been with. Renee tells Bree that they both have the guts to go after what they want. She asks Bree if Keith will make her happy, and when Bree says yes, Renee sexes up her outfit a little and sends her out after Keith. Well that rivalry didn't last long.

Over at the Solises', Hector and Carlos are out on the porch drinking beers. "You know I think it's great that out of this unfortunate situation, we could all end up being friends," says Carlos; Hector agrees. Ah, male bonding. So simple. So naive. They're interrupted by Celia and Grace, who chase each other into the house. We follow them into the kitchen, where Carmen is teaching Juanita how to cook while Gaby watches. Grace comes up to Gaby to tell her how much she loves the house, so Gaby offers her a tour.

Up in the bedroom, Grace is astounded by all the cool stuff Gaby has, including a jewelry box. Gaby opens it to show Grace her jewelry, and when Grace picks up a necklace, Gaby offers it to her. "You deserve beautiful things," she says. Grace thinks her mom might get mad, but Gaby tells her they'll keep it a secret. Yeah, sure. Suddenly, Grace spots Gaby's purse and tells her she wants one like that someday and, yep, you guessed it, we're back to our theme.

"It's called a purse, and, as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything," says Mary Alice. Cut back to Lynette's bag, from which Penny pulls a baby bottle and hands it to her mother. "From a bottle for a baby..." Next we go to Susan, pulling out a check to give to Maxine. "...to a check for protection..." Bree pulls a present from her purse and hands it to Renee. "...to a gift for a new friend." Finally, we end with little Grace's purse, as she puts her new necklace inside. "Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of: every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not."

Well I liked that one a lot. Yes, there were a few glitches in the basic logic of most of these plotlines, but this episode was light and funny and didn't feature Susan in her underwear even once! That, Michael Scott would say, is a win-win-win! Overall: A-.