DH recap: A Little Night Music

Season Six, Episode Twenty-One: "A Little Night Music"

John Barrowman lies on a bed looking so very, very good. And really, how awesome would it be if Mary Alice just launched into a speech about how hot he is? And then, preferably, narrated his shirt right off his chest. I would forgive her her many lame narration transgressions as of late if she'd just do me this one little favor. But, alas, she's more interested in blathering on about Angie's background. So here we go. "Many years ago, a terrorist fell in love with a woman," she begins. Patrick's alarm goes off.

Cut to the Bolens', where Angie is cooking breakfast, as Mary Alice continues, "This woman believed in the terrorist and his cause." The shot goes to the Bolens' bathroom, where Nick's examining himself in the mirror. "Until an undercover agent showed up determined to stop them." Nick was an undercover cop? I bet he was the lamest one ever.

Back to Patrick, who is now picking out a shirt. "The terrorist wanted to attack those he thought were hurting the planet." Angie sets breakfast on the table and Mary Alice explains, "So he got the woman to help him build a bomb." Nick is shaving now. "But something went wrong and someone was killed."

Patrick looks through his stack of drivers licenses--apparently he has many aliases?--as Mary Alice continues, "The terrorist didn't care. He said it was unavoidable." The camera pans up a cabinet to the counter where Angie sets an empty plate; there's a picture of her and Danny as a baby sitting on the counter. "The woman wanted to turn herself in, but she was pregnant." So? She could still turn herself in. I think that should be amended a bit to add, "And she didn't want to give up her baby."

Nick snatches his car keys off the dresser as the camera comes to rest on a picture of him and Danny. "So the agent convinced her to run away with him and he raised the child as his own." Patrick walks to his car. "So they escaped from the terrorist," Mary Alice says as Angie crosses her kitchen and then Nick runs outside, "hoping and praying he would never find them."

Patrick steps into The Coffee Cup and Mary Alice finally finishes her story: "Unfortunately, he did." Danny looks up and smiles at Patrick and then offers him some chocolate scones. Patrick says sure (because honestly, who would pass up chocolate scones?) and settles into a seat with his laptop. They chat for a minute about the stupid novel that Patrick may or may not actually be writing, and then Nick enters the building.

"Hey, I know you're my dad," Danny says loudly, causing Patrick to look up in shock, "but you still gotta close the door when you come in." Ah, relief...Danny is just talking to his fake dad. I'm so glad Patrick doesn't have to worry. He turns to get a quick glimpse of Nick and then covers his face.

Nick asks Danny if he wants to go on a run with him tonight. "Uh, Dad, you don't run, you jog," says Danny. Is that an insult? Nick seems to take it as one because he punches Danny's shoulder. Okay then. Danny says he can't because he's working Eddie's shift that night. The music swells dramatically as Nick walks toward Patrick, but THANK GOD he's just picking up a napkin. I was SO WORRIED for a minute. Nick leaves and Patrick whips around to face Danny. "That's your dad?" he asks, as if he doesn't know. They make small talk about the routine of Nick's running for a minute (for some reason Danny thinks it's inspiring, but doesn't pick up on the ominous, creepiness of this stranger wanting to know about it).

That night at the Bolens, Nick mentions to Angie that he's going out for a run. He gives her a quick kiss and then they cut to him running down the street. In a move that surprises no one, Patrick is driving down the street behind Nick. Mary Alice comes back in to say, "It took the terrorist twenty years to find the people who had betrayed him." Patrick drives past Nick and then does a u-turn so he's facing his nemesis. Then, like so many others from this street, he runs over Nick with his car. He doesn't do it with as much flair as Andrew or Orson. He could get some pointers from those guys. The camera creeps in on Nick's bloody face and Mary Alice supplies some beyond-the-grave foreshadowing: "And his plan for revenge was just getting started."

Wee little credits. Does anyone else love that the Bolen "mystery" was just explained away in four minutes with nary a flashback?

The next day dawns bright and cheerful in the Wisteria Lane park. "Our mothers tell us to beware of mysterious men," says Mary Alice. A big, Hulk-like man in a leather jacket stands there while Celia walks past and gives him a dirty look. "Don't talk to them in the park," advises Mary Alice. A disembodied arm holds out candy as Juanita jump ropes past him. Dude obviously needs to learn how to lure kids with candy; also, are there no parents at this park? "Don't take their candy." A car door swings open and MJ walks past as Mary Alice continues, "Don't get into their cars." Okay, really, the kids of Wisteria Lane would have to be completely stupid to fall for any of this. This PSA courtesy of Mary Alice ends with a shot of Lynette's door; Penny runs up and opens it a crack as Mary Alice says, "And whatever you do, don't let them into your house."

Inside, Penny skips away from the door as Lynette undoes the lock and opens the door completely to reveal Eddie bearing groceries. Mary Alice leaves us with this puzzling question: "But what do we do when Mother has already invited them in?" Well, if that mother is Lynette, then I'd say wait for her to find out the truth and kick some serious ass. At this time, though, Lynette is unaware that she's invited a serial killer to live with her family and is simply impressed that he brought home groceries. He brings them into the kitchen and starts unloading them, saying it's the least he can do in return for them providing him shelter.

Porter walks into the room as the buzzer on the washing machine sounds. Eddie says he'll grab the laundry, but Lynette says that it's Porter's turn. How convenient that he just waltzed into the room! As he packs up his books, Porter says he can't get the laundry because he's late, but Lynette insists that he has time. This turns into an argument because Porter wants to go to the mall with his friends ASAP, but Lynette wants dry clothes and they're both as stubborn as mules. The whole thing is clearly upsetting Eddie, who even goes so far as to chastise Porter for getting uppity, and finally climaxes with Porter calling Lynette a bitch under his breath. He turns to walk away--toward the front door, not the laundry room--and Eddie tackles him from behind. Eddie starts screaming at Porter to apologize, holding up a fist to punch Porter if he doesn't, and Lynette flips out, running over, grabbing Eddie's arm and shouting for him to calm down. Finally Eddie climbs off of Porter and stumbles back; he clutches his head and looks close to tears as Porter gets to his feet. Lynette asks if Porter is okay and when he says that he is, Lynette tells him to go join his friends.

As soon as Porter is gone, Eddie says, "I'm sorry. I just can't watch you be disrespected." Lynette gives him a confused, annoyed look, and Eddie scampers off to the laundry room to put the clothes in the dryer.

Mike knocks on the Solises' front door and when Carlos answers he hands him the first payment for the loan Carlos provided. Carlos cuts Mike off before he can even explain what's in the envelope, stepping out onto the porch and shouting loudly about how Mike is donating to some church fund for Sister Mary until he shuts the door behind him. "Gaby's home," he explains in a normal tone. Mike launches into the explanation he began before and then adds that he's making cutbacks so he can pay Mike back more efficiently. "No vacations, basic cable...I even convinced MJ that Mrs. McCluskey's house is summer camp," he says. Oh wow, I bet Karen loves you for that one, Mike.

Carlos tells Mike to take his time and just make sure Gaby doesn't find out. Of course Mike doesn't want Gaby to know anything because she'll spill the beans to Susan. And heaven forbid Susan know that she's having dire financial problems, douchebag. Carlos laughs as though this is normal behavior for a married couple and goes back in the house where Gaby is waiting on the stairs. She's decked out in some ugly yellow and pink negligee, but Carlos' eyes almost bug out of his head when he sees her. Which I guess is nice. "It's the middle of the afternoon, what are you doing?" asks Carlos suspiciously. Gaby: "Why don't you come upstairs and find out." Carlos isn't having it; he knows that afternoon sex means that Gaby wants something. In this case, it's a ski chalet in Aspen. Since when does Gaby ski?

Carlos tells Gaby it's not going to happen, so she ups her offer to "honeymoon sex." For a moment, Carlos seems to go into a prolonged fantasy of how amazing that would be, but ultimately he has to say no. See, Mike the douche is just ruining everyone's good time, isn't he? He tells Gaby that their money is tied up in "business deals" and instantly Gaby wants to know what exactly he's talking about. Carlos point blank ignores her request and asks her if she'd like to have sex just because she loves him. Gaby walks away in a snit. Ha!

Mike arrives home to find Susan lounging on a piano in the middle of their living room. She greets him by tapping C and E a couple of times with her fingers and asks him if he likes it. "Susan," says Mike slowly, "why is there a big ass piano in our house?" Susan corrects him that it's not a Big Ass, it's a Yamaha. Ah ha ha ha. Very clever, Susan. She sits up and strokes the top of the piano lovingly. Mike scoots over to the window and subtly closes the curtains as he asks Susan how much the piano cost. Turns out that she inherited it from an aunt. Wow, people are just leaving Susan big expensive inheritances left and right this season, aren't they?

Mike could care less about the piano as long as it was free. Eagerly, Susan hops off the table and tells Mike that yes, the piano was free, but as far as Gaby is concerned it cost thirty thousand dollars. Okay, first of all, on what planet would Gaby be dumb enough to think that Susan suddenly has thirty thousand dollars to plunk down on a piano. Second of all, why would Susan even waste that much money on an instrument she doesn't even play? Dumb ass plan, Susan. Instead of pointing this out, Mike just asks, "What? Why?" Susan quickly explains that she's sick of hearing Gaby brag about how much money she spends and that this is her turn to get Gaby back. Okay, I'll admit that I'd be sick of listening to Gaby talk about that too, but that's because it's boring. I don't think that's how Susan sees it.

"Don't stoop to her level. You're better than that," Mike lies; she's so not better than that. Susan agrees with me. "Susan, I'm not kidding. You're not telling Gaby we paid for this piano," says Mike, walking away from his wife. Susan turns into a whiny child and yells at Mike that her aunt had a stroke while driving; "When am I ever gonna get that lucky again?!" Nice.

Bree and Sam are shopping together at a grocery store. How cute. Bree complains that the store is out of cilantro and the duo agrees that it's absurd. They make small talk about what other items they need--Bree has to go to the kosher aisle since she's catering yet another bar mitzvah--when suddenly Sam's face contorts in shock at the sight of a small blond woman. Bree turns and gets a good look at the woman as Sam says that they need baking soda. He walks away to get it, but he's really just pursuing the woman. They turn the corner together out of Bree's line of vision, but she realizes they already have baking soda and goes after Sam.

Sam and the woman are arguing. He wants to know what she's doing there and she says she has to work someplace. Well, truer words were never spoken. Everyone has to work someplace. Bree looks on in concern until Sam spots her and then she smiles and says that he already got baking soda. Sam storms away from the woman back to Bree and pretends that everything is okay. Of course, Bree wants to know who the woman is. "No one," Sam lies. "Someone I used to know." He goes on to say that he was just complaining about the lack of cilantro and then casually mentions that he and Bree should go to another market. Quickly he walks away and Bree gives one last puzzled look to the other woman.

Over at the hospital I'm disappointed to report that Nick is neither dead nor in a coma. He is, however, confined to a hospital bed. Angie comes into the room with a vase of flowers and casually greets him, as though he bumped his knee instead of being hit by a car. They banter for a second and the whole point is to let the audience know that Angie thinks this was a random hit and run. We, and Nick, know better. "What kind of person just hits you and drives away?" asks Angie. Why don't you go over to Bree's and ask? Ba dum dum! Don't you love that not one resident of Wisteria Lane cares that Nick was hit by a car? Either they disdain the Bolens as much as I do or they're just so used to it they're immune.

Anyway, Nick has an inkling that Patrick was the one who ran him over. He tells Angie how deliberate the attack was and how he thinks he was personally targeted. Apparently only one person could hate him enough to do that. Nick wants Angie and Danny to go on the run again, but Angie isn't having it because he's not "travel ready." Ha! He wants her to go to some place in Carbondale that they talked about to hide out, but Angie won't go without him. I get that this scene is supposed to be touching and all, but I honestly don't give a crap. Finally they agree that Danny will go hide out and Nick and Angie will wait it out. Thank God this is over.

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Eddie is lying on the Scavos' couch when Lynette comes into the room and turns on a light. Is the couch his bed? And he doesn't even get a blanket or pillow? He's not in his pajamas, though, so maybe he's just hanging out in the living room in the middle of the night. It's odd. Lynette asks if she can talk to him for a minute and Eddie sits up and says sure. "It's about what happened with Porter," she says as she comes around the couch to stand in front of Eddie. "Are you mad?" asks Eddie. "You're mad!" Lynette denies this rather calmly, but Eddie's working himself into a panic and thinks Lynette wants him to leave. "No. No, I just wanna talk," says Lynette. Her voice is so soothing. Maybe she'll be able to talk Eddie down when he inevitably goes super crazy on her and she finds out that he killed all those girls.

"You looked like you really wanted to hurt him," says Lynette, "and I kind of need to know what that's about." Kind of? Wow. I get that Lynette sees herself in this kid and really wants to help him, but I'd say that it's kind of bizarre that she's so calm about all of this. For a woman who is super protective of her kids it seems odd that she wouldn't be more upset by this. "Your family doesn't seem to care how much you help them," explains Eddie. "You're a great mom and they just push you around. And it made me angry." Lynette, looking understanding, but concerned, says, "Yes, I saw that. And sometimes my family can be unappreciative, but what happened today can never happen again." There's something about the way Felicity Huffman says the word "unappreciative" that just succinctly expressed so much about Lynette--almost like an acknowledgment that yes, her family can make her crazy, but she loves them more than anything else in the world and she'll kill anyone who hurts them.

Lynette sits down on the coffee table and Eddie says that he knows. Quietly, Lynette says, "Listen, I grew up with an alcoholic mother." Recognition spreads over Eddie's face as he realizes for the first time why Lynette has latched onto him. She continues, "I know what it feels like to be angry all the time. But when I was your age I had to find a way to control myself." Eddie: "How did you do that?" Lynette gives a sad little smile and shakes her head. "A lot of help. One thing: I had a great counselor at school and she taught me that whenever I was about to lose it that I should do this." She pats her hand over her heart and begins to take deep breaths in and out, slowly counting up with each breath. "That really works?" asks Eddie and you have to wonder if he's thinking that everything could have been different if someone had just taught him this trick ten years ago. "It really does," says Lynette. "It gives you a chance to step back, feel like you're in control. You should try it next time. You'll see." Man, how much would I love to see some flashbacks to when these girls were teenagers? Lynette automatically fascinates me because she's my favorite character, but the other women would be just as interesting.

Eddie agrees to try Lynette's trick next time and as Lynette stands up to go back to bed he apologizes for his earlier behavior. "It's fine. Just don't ever do it again," says Lynette. "But thank you for wanting to." Again, just a tad bit odd, though I understand the sentiment of what she means. I wonder if Lynette's kids know anything about her screwed up childhood. Somehow I doubt it.

In an abrupt change of atmosphere, Gaby is in an office yelling at hers and Carlos' business manager. She wants to know what Carlos did with their money, but Larry (the poor guy she's screaming at) won't tell her. Larry stupidly tells Gaby to talk to Carlos about it; Gaby says she tried but Carlos wouldn't 'fess up. When Larry still won't tell her, Gaby grabs his hand and sticks it on her ass. "What are you doing?" demands Larry. "I don't want to be a liar when I go home and I'm in tears and Carlos asks me why and I say you grabbed my ass," explains Gaby. Realizing he's backed into a corner, Larry admits that Carlos gave fifty thousand dollars to one of their neighbors: Mike Delfino, whose business is in trouble. Suddenly Gaby is all concerns; she can't believe Susan hasn't said anything to her about it. Larry begs her not to tell Carlos and Gaby distractedly agrees. Then she forces him to assault her again to get her parking validated.

Over at the Bolens, Angie is counting out cash for Danny to take with him into hiding. Danny's not exactly thrilled about this. He goes so far as to question whether Patrick is even still alive. Wait until he finds out that he basically told Patrick to kill his mom. "Danny, I'm not going to debate this with you," says Angie. Danny thinks that Patrick should have bigger things on his mind than revenge. Yeah, like getting his novel published. Angie asks Danny to humor her and Danny takes the cash.

Bree's back at the supermarket to do a little snooping. She tracks down the blond woman from the other day and awkwardly greets her. The other woman isn't overly friendly to Bree, even after Bree mentions Sam and introduces herself. "Well this is none of my business," says Bree, implying that she doesn't care, "but I noticed that there was some tension between you two." "You could say that," agrees the woman. Bree: "Oh, well I hope everything is okay." The woman shuts her eyes, unable to take any more of Bree's not-so-subtle snooping. "What is it you want?" she asks. "Well I don't know," says Bree. "There was just something so odd about that encounter. I don't understand why he would talk to a friend like that." Well, Sam never said she was a friend, just someone he used to know. Woman: "Maybe that's because I'm not his friend. I'm his mother." Well I totally didn't see that one coming. Not.

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We return to the grocery store where Sam's mom (whose name tag tells me she's known as Lillian) brings Bree a cup of coffee. She's got kind of a Maisy Gibbons-esque quality which is almost continuity. Almost. Lillian says that she has a five minute break for them to talk. "Are you aware that Sam goes around telling people that you're--" Lillian: "Dead. Yes, I heard." Okay, let me be frank here. I was really hoping that Sam was going to turn out to be full-blown crazy and just making up this whole thing about Rex, but as this scene goes on we'll learn that's not the truth. And while he's obviously nuts, it's not in any way extreme and this whole plot has just become kind of stupid and it doesn't make any sense. So I'm going to be brief. Basically, once Rex opened his own practice and started rolling in dough, he wrote Sam's mom a letter and offered to take custody of him to give him a better life. Sam's mom turned him down. Recently Sam found the letter, flipped out and basically reamed his mother out for not giving him away. Stupid, right? Like, why the hell would Rex offer to take custody of a kid without asking Bree first? And why wouldn't he send Lillian child support if he cared that much about Sam having a good life? This whole thing is stupid and once it ends I'm going to pretend that it never existed in much the same way that I pretend Kayla Scavo never existed. And I will be happy in my denial.

Gaby arrives at Susan's house with a sympathetic smile plastered on her face. She makes up a silly little story about buying too many groceries at the store and deciding to give them away before they go bad. Susan was the first person who came to mind. When Susan points out that canned peaches and condensed milk don't go bad, Gaby's lies become even worse and she says her pantry was too crowded. At that point Susan just agrees to take them; as Gaby turns to leave Susan invites her inside to show her something. Judging by the big stupid grin on her face, it's the piano.

Yep. Gaby spots in and says, "Wow," while Susan explains that they just got it. Susan leans against the piano, kind of flirting with it, and says MJ is going to take lessons. Gaby asks if Susan shouldn't have started with a cheaper instrument, but Susan says she liked it and so she got it. Actually, she kind of baby talks, but I'm going to ignore that. Gaby asks how much the piano costs and Susan lies that it was thirty grand. "What?" gasps Gaby. Casually she asks if this is the best time to be dropping so much on a piano, what with Mike's truck being repossessed and all. "Things finally turned around. He got a big cash infusion," explains Susan. Gaby's face tightens somewhere between suspicious and annoyed. "You don't say."

Unaware that Gaby isn't jealous, but angry, Susan goes on to suggest that Juanita and Celia can take lessons on her piano if Gaby wants. Unable to stand any more of this, Gaby gives a curt goodbye and walks out as Susan practically drools on the piano. Two seconds later, Gaby returns and demands, "You owe me fifty thousand dollars!"

Susan: "What?" Gaby bitches that Mike's cash infusion cost her the ski house, but Susan doesn't have a clue what she's talking about. "Oh don't play dumb," says Gaby. "Carlos loaned Mike the fifty grand and you know it!" Susan's face attempts to register shock and Gaby says, "Why are you looking like you don't know it?" Heh. Susan: "He told me business picked up?" Gaby: "Well he lied. Just like Carlos lied to me about where our money went. Which you went and spent on a piano!" Susan quickly explains the piano caper and Gaby admits that under different circumstances Susan's scheme would have worked. Poor Susan is aghast that Mike would borrow the money from the Solises instead of taking Karl's strip club money. I agree, Susan. You're married to a douche. Susan grabs her phone and tells Gaby she's going to call Mike and yell at him; Gaby stops her. "No, no, no, no, no," she says. "I have a better idea."

That evening Lynette's sitting at home reading a magazine when Tom comes in wheeling a suitcase behind him. "There you are!" says Lynette cheerfully as Tom stomps into the kitchen. Eddie's sitting in there doing what looks like the geography homework of a 4th grader. Tom complains that his flight was horrible because it was delayed, there was turbulence and then they ran out of food. Speaking of, Tom's extra upset to see that there's not a plate of food waiting for him on the table. "There was one," says Lynette, "but one of our fifty children must have inhaled it." Ha! At this point, Tom descends to the maturity level of a ten-year-old. "Damn it!" he swears as Lynette tells him to calm down. "Lynette, no, I'm hungry! When you were working I always had food waiting for you!" EH! Wrong thing to say, Tom.

Lynette snaps her magazine shut and glares at Tom. "Oh that's right, you were very considerate in your eighth month," she snarks. Tom whips out his sarcasm: "I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. You're the only person who's ever been pregnant before!" He turns his back on his wife and Lynette gets up and offers to order a pizza. "And wait an hour? Forget it. I'll fend for myself." He heads over to the fridge. At this point, Eddie begins Lynette's breathing exercise and she shoots him a worried look, reassuring him that she's fine. For real. If anyone can hold her own, it's Lynette.

Tom turns around and starts to yell that there's no food in the fridge. "Come on, Lynette. You didn't go to the store today?" he demands. Lynette: "Sweetie, you might want to take it down a notch." Oblivious, Tom continues, "I have been to three cities in two days. You'd think you'd find the time to go to the market." Suddenly Tom notices Eddie; "What the hell is he doing?"

"Eddie, it's okay!" says Lynette, ignoring Tom. Tom gives her the most hilariously incredulous look. It's amazing. Tom: "Tell him to stick a sock in it." Eddie stands up and Lynette rushes over to Tom saying, "Okay! You need to kiss me!" Tom literally mouths, "What?" to her right before she plants a big wet one on him. Tom returns the kiss, though his face reads complete curiosity. Lynette turns to look at Eddie, forcing Tom to as well since she's holding his face in her hands and she still has her lips locked with his, and says, "Okay. Okay, we're good. He loves me. He loves me." She kisses him several more times while still watching Eddie; it's adorable--especially as Tom responds to her kisses while looking completely perturbed by this turn of events. Eddie sits down and stops counting and Lynette tells Tom they'll talk about it later.

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Later turns out to be after the commercial break. Tom and Lynette are unpacking Tom's suitcase and apparently during the break Lynette filled Tom in on what's been going on at home. "So Eddie attacked out son?" he asks. "Okay, I'd use attack, but with a small 'a,'" says Lynette. Tom doesn't care and says that he wants Eddie out of the house. Finally a voice of reason. Lynette: "Look, Eddie is not some exchange student from France. He comes from an abusive home. We have to accept that he has some baggage." Well that's a really odd thing to say. Why would it be so easy to kick out an exchange student you promised to board? That comparison doesn't fly with me.

Tom manages to take exactly the wrong approach here: "So I have to wonder if he's gonna punch me any time I raise my voice to you?" Heh. Remember when Carlos' seeing eye dog growled at Gaby whenever she yelled at Carlos? I guess that's what Eddie is like: a protective dog. "I am not sending him back to live with that woman, Tom," says Lynette. Tom gives her his patented, "You're acting crazy, but I know why and there's nothing I can do to change it so I'm screwed" look. Surprisingly, Lynette suggests therapy. I guess her stint with Daphne really turned her around on the idea. Tom isn't too thrilled with that suggestion, though. Lynette: "Okay, here's a thought. Why don't we all stop yelling at me? Oh what a concept: Be nice to Lynette." Heh. But the real question is would Lynette stop yelling at him in return? "Fine," says Tom. "We'll try the therapy." He heads to the bathroom and Lynette gives him a dirty look.

Bree is in her test kitchen arranging flowers in a vase and complaining to Orson about little liar Sam. Orson can't help but rub it in: "I guess my instincts about Sam were right, wouldn't you say?" Bree: "What did I say about gloating?" Orson: "Something. I wasn't listening. I was thinking about how right I was." Hee! Bree doesn't laugh so Orson promises to behave.

"When Sam first showed up I felt like I got a little piece of Rex back," says Bree. Because Danielle and Andrew weren't enough? I find that that's an odd thing to say. "It was wonderful. I guess this has forced me to remember that Rex was a liar too." Oh yeah. Sam's lying was what did it. Not his illegitimate son showing up after all these years. Sometimes I wonder how Bree's mind works. Orson reaches out a hand and Bree takes it gratefully.

Just then, Sam enters the kitchen. He asks if he's interrupting, but Bree ignores this and just asks Orson to please leave. "Is everything all right?" asks Sam as Orson is wheeling away. "Actually Sam," begins Bree, but Orson cuts her off: "Wait! Wait! I'm still here!" Hee! He wheels out of the room and Bree continues. I went back to the supermarket today." Judging by the look on Sam's face, he knows that it wasn't for groceries. "Oh," he says. "I take it you met my mother."

"Why did you say she was dead?" gasps Bree. Why do I get the impression that it's not so much that Sam lied, but what his lie actually was that bothers Bree so much? Almost as if that's the worst thing in the world a person could lie about and she lives in mortal dread that one of her kids would claim she's dead. I'm not sure Andrew or Danielle could pass up the opportunity to bitch about her, though, so she shouldn't worry. "She is dead. To me," says Sam. And we're back to the ridiculousness of why Sam is such an angry robot. "Did she tell you I found a letter my father wrote, begging me to come live with him?" he asks. Uh, why did she save the letter all these years? Was she planning to blackmail him with it someday? So odd.

"That's no excuse!" says Bree. She tells Sam that his mother loved him and obviously wanted him by her side. RoboSam punches the table and yells that his mother should have wanted him to have nice bicycles and good television instead. Oh, well when he puts it like that now I can see that this misplaced anger isn't stupid at all. "If she had loved me she would have let me live the life that I was entitled to!" he screams as he throws Bree's vase of flowers across the room. It lands in the sink which, as my sis pointed out, is at least easy clean up. The sound seems to shake Sam from his stupor of rage and he calmly says that he's going to work on the bar mitzvah they're catering; he'll be around if Bree wants to go over the menu with him later. Bree stares at him, obviously shocked and upset.

The next day, I presume, Lynette is reading another magazine, but this time it's in the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office. The door opens and Eddie comes out with the doctor as Lynette struggles to stand and asks how it went. Eddie says it was okay and the doctor says he did very good work. He directs Eddie to the bathroom and Eddie leaves. "So you said good work. Does that mean it went well?" asks Lynette the second Eddie is gone. I'll give her some props because it doesn't come off as nosy so much as concerned. "That means Eddie's got some issues," says the doctor. Understatement of the century. "And it's going to take some time to work through them." Lynette: "Okay, how much more time at a hundred and thirty dollars an hour?" Holy crap! At that rate the doc better figure out he's a serial killer but quick.

The doctor says that therapy would go faster if Eddie's mom came, but Eddie doesn't think she'd agree to it. Yeah, because she's dead. "Really? If you think it would help I can get her in here," promises Lynette. The doctor says that would be great and turns to go back into his office, but Lynette quickly says, "Okay, and then...And then everything will be okay. Right?" Oh Lynette. I kind of want to give you a sympathy hug. It's almost like she's trying to make up for her own crappy childhood through Eddie and it's all going to come crashing down around her. It's pretty depressing. The doctor doesn't answer here; just reiterates that she needs to get Barbara in the office.

Cut to Lynette ringing Barbara's doorbell. Of course, no matter how much noise Lynette makes, nothing is bringing Barbara to that door. After a few minutes, Lynette heads back to her car. As she's walking, a neighbor asks if she's looking for Barbara and Lynette says yes. "Nobody's seen her for days and her car's still there," says the neighbor. "It's weird." From the look on Lynette's face I'd take a gander that she thinks it goes beyond weird to downright suspicious.

Over at Bree's, Andrew arrives looking scruffy and unemployed. "Rumor has it you've got something for me," he says and Bree turns and stares at him. "Just an apology," she says. Wow, I wonder how much it hurt to say those words. Bree never voluntarily apologizes. Never. Remember when she smacked Preston and Lynette had to be the one to apologize? Remember when she lost Lynette's kids and she finally only said she was sorry because she needed Lynette to be on her side at the deposition? Remember when she left Andrew on the side of the road and he later thanked her for it? Bree NEVER admits she's wrong. Excuse me while I go into a shock-induced coma.

"Well as long as it comes with one of your muffins I may just accept it," says Andrew. Dude, you're driving a steep price here. "Oh Andrew," says Bree and she and her son hug. Aw, how sweet. "Orson told me about Sam," says Andrew. Bree admits that Andrew was right from the start and that she never should have trusted him. "Wow, I don't even need the muffin now," says Andrew. Eh, I'd demand it anyway. "Now that that's settled what are we going to do about Sam?" pipes up Orson. Andrew says they'll get rid of him. Yeah, throw him in the river with some cement shoes. Or, better yet, pawn him off on Rex's mom. Bree says it won't be so easy since Sam has a violent side. "To be perfectly honest, I'm afraid of him," she says. Well, I guess we all know what would have happened to Eddie if he'd ended up at Bree's.

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Carlos and Gaby arrive at the Delfinos' for dinner. Susan is wearing a boobtastic shirt, which I only point out because it comes into play later in the scene. Susan lies that dinner was just an excuse to get the Solises over so they could see her new piano. "Oh my gosh. You bought a piano," says Gaby, acting over-the-top. Carlos: "Wow, that looks pricey." Susan launches into her thirty grand lie, but goes even further to include shipping and bi-annual tuning fees. Heh. She begs them not to mention it to Mike because he thinks it's ostentatious. "In fact, he keeps telling everyone I inherited it from my aunt, so just go with it!" she says.

Mike comes downstairs and Susan and Gaby go to check on dinner. As soon as the girls are out of the room, Carlos says, "Dude, we need to talk. A piano?" Of course Mike says that Susan inherited it and Carlos doesn't believe him thanks to Susan's lies. Susan walks back in the room with a stack of plates and asks if someone will help her set the table; Gaby instantly volunteers Carlos for the job. Susan drags Carlos off to the dining room that I didn't know existed and Gaby takes Mike to the kitchen to pour drinks.

Mike uncorks a wine bottle and asks if Carlos and Gaby have any big summer plans. Immediately Gaby launches into a pathetically fake crying jag, even going so far as to dab her eyes with an oven mitt. I can't believe Mike is falling for this. "If you need to talk Susan's in the other room," he says. Hardy har har. It suddenly strikes me that I can probably count on one hand the number of scenes these two couples have had together, let alone separated by partner. "I think Carlos is having an affair," says Gaby. "What? Why would you think that?" asks Mike. Gaby says that Carlos has been acting really secretive and that she discovered fifty thousand dollars missing from their account. Panicked, Mike tells her that there's probably a perfectly good explanation. As he strenuously denies that Carlos would be cheating, Gaby suddenly becomes suspicious that he knows more than he's letting on.

"No!" says Mike as Gaby comes closer. She claims that Carlos has called Mike's house "like a hundred times." That positively puzzles Mike; "Well he hasn't been talking to me!" "Really?" asks Gaby. "Well the next time he's not talking to you, you might want to give him the name of your divorce lawyer."

In the dining room, Susan is similarly messing with Carlos. She pretends that she lost the earring she claims she just spent three grand on and Carlos' eyes bug out of his head. "You bought three thousand dollar earrings?" he asks. Susan: "Oh of course not. Mike did." Poor Carlos is going to have a stroke. "Carlos, I never noticed before," says Susan. "You have a really veiny forehead." HA!

A few minutes later, the men have managed to escape and Mike comes up to Carlos to tell him they have a problem. "No kidding," growls Carlos. "Wait, you know?" asks Mike. "Did Gaby say something?" Carlos: "No, I heard it all from Susan." Mike: "Oh well it's not surprising the way those two talk. But luckily it's not true." Carlos: "Come on, Mike, lets stop the lies. It's true and we both know it." Mike looks confused and disgusted. "It is?" he asks. Carlos: "Don't act surprised! God, this whole thing was a mistake. I never should have written that check!" Mike: "Oh man, you paid for it?" Unfortunately this conversation ends at this point because the girls come back into the room with dinner. The group sits down at the table. The scene that follows is so funny that I think I'll transcribe it directly.

Susan leans over Carlos in her boobtastic shirt to offer him some food. "You want some meatballs, Carlos? I've got two nice big ones right here for ya," she says as Carlos' eyes go straight to her boobs.

Carlos: "Nope. I'm fine."

Gaby: "I saw that."

Carlos: "Saw what?"

Gaby: "You leering at Susan's breasts!"

Carlos: "I was looking at the pasta. Susan's breasts just happened to be hovering nearby."

Susan: "Gaby, leave Carlos alone."

Gaby: "Oh my God! It's you!"

Susan: "Excuse me?"

Gaby: "You're the one Carlos is having an affair with!"

Carlos' eyes grow gigantic as he turns to Gaby. "What?" he and then Mike demand.

Gaby: "Makes perfect sense. That's why there were all those calls to this house from his cell phone."

Carlos: "You looked at my cell phone?"

Gaby: "Yes! And thank God I did!" She glares at Susan and screams, "Whore! Shamelessly shoving your meatballs in my husband's face!"

Susan: "There was no shoving. Sometimes they spontaneously heave."

Carlos: "Have you lost your mind? I am not having an affair with Susan. Mike, you believe me, right?"

Mike: "Yeah. I guess. But why are you calling over here all the time?"

Carlos: "I'm not! I always call your cell! Susan, say something!"

Susan: "Forget it, Carlos. We might as well confess."

Carlos' face contorts so visibly in rage that it shakes. "Confess what?" he demands.

Susan turns to Mike. "You wouldn't talk my money when you were in trouble and well, I've always known Carlos has a thing for me. I told him I would sleep with him if he would loan you the money."

As Gaby gasps, Carlos look completely horrified. Mike stands up, ready to attack Carlos, and Carlos instantly insists that he was only helping out a friend in trouble who then betrayed him by wasting the money on a piano. At this point the jig is up. Susan admits that she knows the truth about the loan and the boys slowly realize their wives were just screwing with them. "So tell me, Mike," says Susan. "Do you feel betrayed? Humiliated? Good! Because I only did this to show you what it's like when the person who is supposed to love you the most betrays you!" Susan storms away and Gaby adds, "Well I just did it because I want a ski chalet." Heh. Fantastic scene.

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Later that night the Solises are gone and Mike apologizes to Susan. Susan makes him promise that he'll never freeze her out again and Mike swears not to. Well, it's about time, douche. "So is this everything?" asks Susan as she looks through Mike's high tech system of keeping records in shoeboxes. "Yep. You sure you don't want me to walk you through it?" Susan says she'll be fine and that she'll come get him if she has any questions. Mike kisses the top of Susan's head and leaves her to look through the shambles of any trust that remains in her marriage.

Back in the hospital room of no one gives a damn, Angie's fighting with Nick. Apparently they want to induce a coma to cut down on the swelling in his brain. Oh darn. Let me shed a tear. He'll be out for a couple of days and guess what? He still wants Angie to join Danny. Angie, on the other hand, wants to bring Danny home since nothing has happened in three days. Nick says no and proceeds to try to leave the bed so he can drag Angie to safety. In the face of such insanity, she agrees to go. They have a "touching" moment that I can only hope means one or both of them will soon be dead.

Angie arrives home to find her house blanketed by lit candles. It would be romantic if it wasn't so creeptastic. Guess who's there? Go ahead. Guess. It's Patrick. Surprise! He's just sitting there with Angie's gun and he doesn't have a care in the world. "Go to hell," Angie says. Patrick makes fun of her for saying that. I continue to not care. Angie says that she sent Danny away and Patrick will never find him. "That's okay. We're not that close," says Patrick. Heh. Maybe he realized what a stupid turd Danny is and no longer wants to claim paternity. Angie asks if he's going to kill her. Unfortunately the answer is no. Patrick wants her to do him a favor, but we have to wait to find out what it is since Patrick is tired from running over "Dudley Douchebag." HA! Patrick declares he's spending the night; Angie is less than thrilled with this idea. Too bad for Angie, Patrick threatens to kill Nick if Angie runs away. Oh no! Not Nick! He promises that if Angie does what he says he'll let her and Nick live.

"Mysterious men," says Mary Alice as Patrick heads upstairs. "They make promises they have no intention of keeping." Let's hope so, Mary Alice. Cut to the test kitchen where Bree gives Sam a worried look. "They tell lies to get what they want." Next up is a shot of Penny and Eddie playing checkers together as Lynette watches, obviously concerned. Yeah, I am too. That is super creepy. "They may be more dangerous than they seem." We end with a shot of Susan looking pensively out the window as Mary Alice says, "Yes, our mothers told us we cannot trust the men we don't know." Susan looks over at Mike asleep in their bed. "And those we do know? Well, we can't always trust them either." Hey, as long as they don't break up again, Susan can not trust him all she wants.

That was a really good episode. All of the Scavo scenes had an emotional resonance that made them stellar and the Solis/Defino plot was simply hilarious despite how stupid the men were acting. This Bree/Sam thing has descended into complete absurdity, but I'll watch Andrew and Orson any day. The only thing that sucked was the Angie plot, but what else is new? At least it didn't take up much screen time. Overall I'd give this episode an B+.