Welcome to part two of my timeline. The focus this time is pre-series: birthdays and anniversaries. Most of the actual days are arbitrary, but the years have specificity.
The Van de Kamps
Rex: June 10, 1962
Bree: May 7, 1962
Reasoning: It was stated that Bree and Rex met in college. I always presumed that they were in the same year, but I don't know if that was ever explicitly confirmed or denied. Initially, I picked 1962 as the birth year because that was the year Marcia Cross was born. In Rex's case, I feel like this was supported by the show when they had Bree pull out Rex's yearbook from 1980 last season to show Sam.
Married: June 28, 1986
In the season one episode "Suspicious Minds," it is stated that Bree and Rex have been married 18 years. By the 2004 year stamp, that would make their wedding sometime in 1986.
Andrew: November 3, 1988
Danielle: September 26, 1990
During "Ah, But Underneath" we're told that Andrew is sixteen, and that episode (arguably) takes place in October 2004. By putting Andrew's birthday in November, I set it up so he would turn 17 in 2004. At the end of season (in "There Will Be Trumpets"), we're told that Andrew is going to be expelled "two months from graduation." Presumably, Andrew could have started school at 4 and turned 5 in November, setting him up to graduate at age 17. By the same token, I felt like it was never made clear if Andrew DID graduate from high school in 2005. If his graduation was actually the following year (2006), he would have been 18. Either way this makes sense.
In the same episode ("Ah, But Underneath"), it's stated that Danielle is 15, but obviously that doesn't match up with the birth year I gave her (by my timeline she would have been 14 in 2004). It's my belief (which I will argue at some other time) that season two spanned a year and a half of time. By this count, Danielle would have turned 14 right before season one, 15 and then 16 (her missed birthday in the season two episode "No One Is Alone") in season two, 17 in season three, and finally 18 in season four. The reason I set it in September was because in season four Danielle mentions that her 18th birthday was soon before Benjamin was born (which we know was on Halloween). Since I believe season two was elongated, I changed the birth year from '89 to '90 so the 18th birthday stamp would still make sense. It also gives a little more wiggle room between her and Andrew's births.
The Mayers/Delfinos
Karl: August 13, 1964
Susan: April 19, 1967
Mike: March 2, 1963
Karl and Mike are completely arbitrary. I assumed they were both older than Susan, who, more than any other character, has had her age constantly reassessed. In "Coming Home" (season two, 2005) she says she's 38. I went by this initial reference to her age, making her birth year 1967. There are several references that contradict this, but since Susan's age has yo-yo-ed so much, I decided to stick with the initial time stamp.
Susan and Karl Married: July 7, 1989
In season one's "Pretty Little Picture," Karl mentions that he and Susan were married 14 years. Assuming their divorce was finalized a year ago (in 2003), this makes the year of their wedding 1989.
Susan and Mike Married: May 31, 2008 and August 28, 2016
The first wedding date was chosen based around the idea that I mentioned before: season two spans a year and a half. By that logic, season three ends around May 2008, which is when Susan and Mike elope.
Their second wedding was harder to pinpoint by month. Lynette's pregnancy really mucks up the timeline as far as months, and then the show doesn't help itself by giving so many specific references to time in the first couple of episodes of season six. The year is based on my timeline, which sets season five from 2014-2016 and season six from 2016-2017 (something I mentioned in my previous post on the timeline and plan to expand on in the future).
Julie: January 19, 1991
MJ: March 14, 2009
Julie celebrates her birthday in the season one episode "Move On" (set in January 2005). By my timeline, she would turn 14 then, 15 and 16 during season two, 17 in season three, and 18 in season four. This matches up with her getting ready to leave for college at the end of season four.
I took some liberties with MJ's birth. If Susan and Mike got married in May 2008 and Susan found out she was pregnant a month later, there is no way that MJ was born on Mother's Day 2009. So I bumped back his birth a couple of months despite the fact that the episode surrounding his birth specifically takes place in May. The year, again, is based on the season two expanded timeline.
The Scavos
Lynette: December 29, 1965
Tom: June 22, 1967
I originally had Lynette closer to Bree's age (and Tom consequently bumped back since it was established in season five that she's two years older). I bumped her up to 1965 based on the SN they gave her in "It Wasn't Meant to Happen" (Lynette65). Later, I stuck with this year because making her any older during her season six pregnancy would have been absurd (even this date stamp pushes it a bit). By the same vein, however, I also didn't make her any younger because some of the early references on the show really place both Tom and Lynette as the couple that married and started a family latest in life. It wouldn't have made sense to bump her back to her mid 20s when she and Tom got married and had kids.
That said, there are contradictions to this. In season one they mention that Tom is 41 (which would make Lynette 43), but by that stamp, Lynette would have been about 55 when she got pregnant with Paige (which seems a bit outside the realm of possibility).
Married: March 8, 1997
I chose March because of where the episode "My Husband, The Pig" fell (in which they celebrate their anniversary). The twins were born in 1998, so obviously they got married before then. Then, taking into account Kayla's birth and Tom's ensuing relationship with Annabel, I couldn't justify them dating, getting engaged, and marrying any earlier than 1997. This throws off the idea that in "My Husband, The Pig" they were celebrating their 9th anniversary, but given the age of the twins, that didn't make sense anyway.
Kayla: April 1, 1995
Porter and Preston: February 27, 1998
Parker: September 3, 1999
Penny: January 31, 2004
Paige: April 9, 2017
The end of season two establishes that Tom's one night stand with Norah was twelve years ago. Since I have season two end around December2006/January 2007, that would make his one night stand around 1994/1995. I decided to go with late summer 1994, putting Kayla's birthday in April 1995.
Porter and Preston were the easiest. Their birthday is specifically shown to be February 27, 1998 on their school applications in the season one episode "Come In, Stranger."
I based Parker's age off of the celebration of his birthday at the beginning of season three and his mention of being five in the season one episode "Love is in the Air." The celebration puts his birthday at the end of summer; if he was five in February of 2005 ("Love is in the Air") then he'd be turning 6 at the end of the summer. This puts his birthday in 1999.
Penny is listed at 10 months old according to Mike's list of Wisteria Lane residents at the beginning of season one. This puts her birthday sometime in January 2004.
Paige falls into my adapted timeline that sets season six from 2016-2017. Lynette's pregnancy was really stretched too long (much like Susan's in season four), but the best I could do to condense it believably was to have Paige born in April 2017.
The Solises
Carlos: April 8, 1971
Gaby: February 2, 1977
Both of these were fairly arbitrary picks. I don't know if there was any particular logic beyond the choice of April for Carlos (based on Gaby mentioning that it was his birthday in season six's "I Guess This is Goodbye." There might have been some reference to Gaby's age in season one or two that made me choose 1977, but I can't find any actual mention of it in my notes.
Married: August 10, 2002
Gaby and Carlos have a tricky anniversary. The end of season two claims they moved in three years ago (and a flashback puts them at having been married three months at that point). As I said before, my season two end date puts the timeline at Dec. 2006/Jan. 2007, and the earliest that would make their move in date is 2003. I bumped it back a year mostly because a lot would have had to happen between Nov. 2003 and the start of the series; it made more sense to give them a full two years on the Lane before the pilot (not to mention that in the flashback, Lynette would have been very pregnant with Penny at that point). I chose August because the celebration of their anniversary, as it falls in my timeline, puts their wedding in that month.
Juanita: September 12, 2009
Celia: February 14, 2012
Oh Juanita. You age so quickly. At the start of season five, Juanita is four, but by the end she is seven. To make that work, I put her birthday in September (so she'd turn five soon after the premiere). Again, this goes by my timeline, which has season five start in 2014. In my favor, Juanita celebrates her birthday in season six at the beginning of the season (believably September); to my detriment, this season they just had her celebrate a birthday in January. Given the two choices, I'm sticking with September.
Has Celia's age ever been established? I think I finally settled on 2012 because Juanita seemed to keep aging while Celia didn't. I wanted to give them some space in age to justify this.
Other Birthdays and Anniversaries
Orson: September 30, 1959
Orson was in the mental institution in 1976 ("The Little Things You Do Together"). They gave him the age stamp of 17 when that occurred. This one was simple math.
Orson and Bree Married: September 15, 2007
They married on the show at the beginning of season three ("It Takes Two"). This follows my extended season two.
Edie: June 1, 1967
Like Susan, Edie's birthday seemed to jump all over the place. She celebrates it twice between the end of season three and the beginning of season four (which logically doesn't work). I think I finally decided to plunk her down right between the two in order to clear up the discrepancy. I can't remember if there was any logic to making it 1967 (I can't find my notes on Edie); it might have been as simple as keeping up the rivalry between her and Susan.
Mary Alice: November 18, 1965
The date on her tombstone. I love when these are easy.
Zach: April 30, 1988
I believe I based this date not only off of the vague Mike/Dierdre timeline we were given, but also off of the apparent rivalry between Zach and Andrew in season one. Also, it made sense that he would have been out of high school by the end of season two at the latest.
These are the only ones I've mapped out, but of course there are many other characters that I haven't mentioned here. It helps so much in writing fanfic to have some idea of where the characters are in both age and relationships (which is primarily why I only have the major characters plotted).
There will most likely be more timeline posts from me somewhere down the line. It's ridiculous how many pages of notes I have on this.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
DH mini-recap: Farewell Letter
I've gotten terribly off-track with recapping. I'd blame it all on real life, but part of it was also that I've only managed to get through about one third of "A Humiliating Business." That episode is just dull to recap. Anyway, I may or may not catch up (depending on how cluttered my DVR gets), but for this week I had too many thoughts not to get some of them down.
Season Seven, Episode Fifteen: "Farewell Letter"
Lynette is the opening narration this week as Mary Alice reminds us of all of how many sleepless nights she's had (feeding babies, taking care of sick children, and breaking up pillow fights). They even brought back the former actors who played the boys for this walk down memory lane (which makes me wish, not for the first time, that this show hadn't jumped five years into the future). Anyway, even now that her boys are grown up, they're still bothering the hell out of her. Porter wakes her up to ask if they have eggs. Apparently Lynette is too tired to tell him to GO AWAY. He continues to pester her (where do they keep the eggs?, how do you make an omelet?) until finally Lynette gets out of bed to do it herself. Thus begins my tremulous belief that this plot makes any sense. No one, least of all Lynette, would get up in the middle of the night to make her twenty-year-old sons omelets.
Downstairs, she finds that Porter and Preston are not alone: they brought home two trashy girls. They want the omelets to impress them. Lynette drags the twins over to complain that they woke her up to feed their booty calls and remind them that as a house rule, they're not supposed to be bringing girls home to hook up. They tell Lynette that they're men now, and instead of taking charge and kicking out the bimbos, Lynette just lies that they keep the eggs under the sink and watches incredulously as Preston actually goes looking for them there. Then she just walks away.
Wee little credits.
The next morning, Lynette and Tom are waiting for the boys when they come downstairs. Tom shoves the newspaper into Preston's hand, and then he and Lynette announce that the boys have seven days to leave. Porter tries to protest that they promised he could stay until he finished college (which raises so many questions: 1. why doesn't he live in a dorm? 2. did Preston ever start school or has he literally just been bumming around for a year now? 3. why do they WANT to live at home with their parents and three siblings, one of whom is a screaming baby they're constantly forced to look after? Porter and Preston, I DO NOT understand you). Instead of pointing this out, Lynette and Tom just insist that they need to leave. Tom even tells them to get jobs to pay for it. Sulkily, the twins go off to make phone calls. Lynette and Tom agree that while the boys are not ready, they have to be pushed out of the nest or they'll never learn to fly.
Susan is driving and bitching on the phone about her insurance only covering part of her dialysis. She spills coffee all over herself, and things just keep getting worse as a cop pulls her over. He accuses her of not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign and asks for her license and registration. As always, Susan has to give a whole huge sob story, bitching about the insurance and coffee and how she'll be late for dialysis now and get a bad seat near the bathroom. Taking pity (or maybe not wanting to listen to Susan whine), the cop decides to let her off with a warning. Susan: "Thank you dialysis."
Meanwhile, Gaby packs for a trip to her hometown in Texas. She isn't looking forward to going home, complaining about the hick people, small town, and perpetual tire fire. As usual, Carlos sees through this and points out that she doesn't want to go because she really doesn't want to do her therapy homework. The therapist made her write a letter to her stepfather expressing how she felt; now she wants Gaby to go to his grave and read it to him. Gaby is skeptical that this will help.
Mike and Paul are taking Zach to rehab; Zach is not thrilled about this. In fact, he's so resistant that he tries to jump out of the moving car. When Paul stops him, Zach tries to blame Paul for everything that's wrong with him. Paul points out that Zach was the one who shot him, and he yells that Zach is going to go to rehab to get sorted out or else Paul will send him to rot in jail. Zach doesn't protest, so Paul leans over and straps him back in. Such a small touch, but so brilliant. Whoever made that call is genius.
After finding out about his long lost son last week, Keith makes an effort to cram a lifetime of bonding into what seems like a day. This amounts to teaching Charlie how to throw a baseball. Everyone is all smiles until Charlie's mom shows up and announces they have to go finish packing. They're moving to Florida. Charlie skedaddles, and Keith is left to whine to Bree about how he lost precious bonding time with Charlie because Bree lied. This one argument is the only time they address this point. Keith is mad, but he's too in love with Bree to hold it against her. Gag me.
Commercials.
Susan and MJ in a grocery store. Obviously this isn't leading anywhere good. In fact, MJ is out to prove that he is his mother's son by whining that he's going to miss "Tom and Jerry" because he and Susan are stuck in line at the grocery store. Do kids really still watch "Tom and Jerry"? Is it even on TV anymore? Susan sighs, then inspiration strikes. She sends MJ off on an errand (I guess she can't lie in front of her son), and pretends she's late for dialysis to cut the line. That Susan, always a class act.
Gaby and Carlos arrive in small town Texas, sticking out like two sore thumbs. A woman approaches them to ask if they're lost, and then realizes who Gaby is. She's genuinely thrilled to see Gabrielle (seeing that she's such a famous supermodel). The woman asks what brings Gaby back, but Gaby is too distracted by a nun crossing the street to respond. Clearly she and the nun recognize each other. Upset, Gaby insists that they need to go to the hotel, and she and Carlos pile back into the cab. The nun stares ominously.
Back in Fairview, Keith has just dropped Charlie and his mom (does she have a name?) at the airport and arrives home to sulk some more. He gives this big speech about his absentee father, and how he's now in the same situation despite vowing to never to become his dad. Except, you know, his dad was in the army and Keith is just slumming around Fairview. Bree is nice enough just to say, "You're not your father."
Across the street, we find out that it didn't take long for Porter and Preston to find a new place of residence. They and their parents are out on the driveway, putting the last boxes into their car and saying goodbye. Lynette even does that cute mommy thing and takes a picture of her grown-up boys (as Tom good naturedly rolls his eyes). The twins get in the car and drive away as Lynette gets emotional and goes to Tom for a hug. It is not a moment with a long shelf life; seconds later, Tom notices that the twins drove across the street--they're moving in with Mrs. McCluskey. Horrified, Lynette erases her picture.
Commercials.
Susan and Renee are apparently still BFFs; Susan is over at Renee's having coffee. She gets off the phone and brags about how dialysis got her out of jury duty. Unsurprisingly, Renee is impressed and wishes that she was on dialysis too. Susan admits that she doesn't feel guilty because something good may as well come from this shitty situation. Renee decides they should continue to use Susan's new power for evil: they're going to get into a restaurant that usually has a long wait.
Back in the great state of Texas, the Solises arrive at a cafe for dinner. The place is completely decked out with pictures of Gaby--magazine covers, spreads from photo shoots, etc. Immediately, people flock to Gaby so they can get pictures with her (Carlos, her chauffeur, takes them). The surprises keep on coming as the school principal comes up and asks Gaby if she'll come speak to the girls at the school tomorrow. She's a motivational figure: the only one who ever made something of herself. Carlos tries to protest that they have a plane to catch, but of course Gaby isn't one to shy way from attention. Ever.
Later, Paul arrives home, and Beth asks him how it went with Zach. They make some chit chat, and Beth says that she feels like Paul has pulled away from her. She thinks that it's about Zach, not realizing that Paul knows her true identity. She's so excited that this is all sorted out because now they can be close again; she goes to hug Paul and realizes that he has her gun stuck in the back of his pants. Paul says that he needed to feel protected around Zach, but then casually wonders why Beth even had to bring a gun into their home. Beth gets overly defensive, yelling that Paul can get rid of the gun if he wants, and then begs Paul to talk to her. Since Paul couldn't tell the truth to save his life, he instead gives a spiel about betrayal--can things ever be good again after that? Beth looks worried.
That night, Keith wakes Bree with the perfect plan for her to make amends for lying (hint: it's not sex). They should move to Florida! Unsurprisingly, swimming with dolphins and picking oranges is not enough incentive for Bree. Keith is bummed, but the only other solution is for him to move on alone, and he knows a long distance relationship would be doomed. With this thought, he rolls over to go to sleep, leaving Bree up to mull things over.
Commercials.
The next day, Gaby's on the phone in her motel room doing a newspaper interview. As she hangs up, Carlos tries to point out that she still needs to go to the cemetery. Gaby says she's already gotten closure since she's now being beloved by a town that once shunned her. Carlos, as always, is skeptical.
As they have so many times before, the Scavos stare out their living room window while discussing the antics of their children. Lynette thinks that McCluskey will whip the kids into shape, but a second later Karen calls to ask Lynette how to make an omelet for the twins. Obviously this isn't going to fly; Lynette hurries right over, and to her dismay, finds the twins eating breakfast with Karen, Roy and the two trashy girls. Annoyed, Lynette tells Karen that the point was for the twins to grow up, but instead they just moved from her boob to Karen's. Everyone makes a face. Lynette drags Karen out of the room to continue complaining, but Karen says that the twins are good boys and as long as they continue to be, she doesn't care if she waits on them. You can practically see the lightbulb above Lynette's head.
The hits keep on coming for poor Carlos as he later listens to Gaby warning a group of girls about the dangers of math and science (thinking too hard gives you wrinkles). You know he's probably wondering what she's been telling their daughters. Just then, the principal interrupts to reintroduce the nun from earlier, Sister Marta, to Gaby. Sister Marta is pretty condescending, telling Gaby that she's always loved being the center of attention, and with that parting shot she walks away.
Gaby storms after Sister Marta and demands to talk to her. Apparently, she told the nun what was happening with her stepfather, but her confession was dismissed. Sister Marta thought Gaby was making it up (she was a "trashy" girl because she read inappropriate books and magazines); slowly, Gaby realizes that the nun still doesn't believe her. At this point, Gaby breaks down, telling Sister Marta that after Gaby told her about the rape, she (the nun) told Gaby she should be ashamed of herself (for what happened or "lying" about it, I'm not sure), and ever since then, Gaby has been ashamed. The nun wants to know if Gaby came back to blame her, and Gaby says no, she came back because her therapist said talking to her stepfather's grave would bring closure. Instead, Gaby is going to tell her what she came to tell him: "I did not deserve what happened to me. I was a child. But you, you were a grown-up and you did nothing. You should be ashamed of yourself." It's really powerful, I think particularly because of the word "grown-up" instead of "adult." It really drives home how young Gaby was when this happened.
Leaving Sister Marta speechless, Gaby walks out, head held high, and meets Carlos. It's unclear whether he heard her, but he doesn't protest when Gaby says she's ready to go home.
Leaving this plot out of any context, I really am happy that the show finally decided to explore more of Gaby's past. I feel like her past more than any of the other characters (except perhaps Bree), hasn't been explored in as much depth. This molestation plot has only been mentioned once before (in season two), and it's nice to see that explored in a little more depth. I really enjoyed this scene where Gaby confronted Sister Marta.
That said, I do hate when this show starts in one place and veers off in a totally different direction without closure. The therapy started as a way for Gaby to deal with Grace leaving. Is she just over that now? Will Grace ever be mentioned again? It reminds me of how Rick suddenly popped back up in season four only for the plot to end up revolving around Kayla, or how the Porter being falsely accused of murder storyline ended quite abruptly with a one episode plot about Lynette and her mom. It's inexplicable to me how they decide which plots get to go on for sixteen episodes (Bree/Keith), and which ones are suddenly dropped without a second thought. Don't get me wrong, I liked this story, but I just wish that the audience could have gotten some closure with Grace first.
Commercials.
Back on Wisteria Lane, Lynette has decided to "celebrate" the boys' big move by bringing them a keg and telling them to have a party. Lynette is the queen of these back door moves.
Meanwhile, Paul goes to visit Zach in rehab. I think he should have waited longer, but Paul desperately needs to know why Zach shot him. Zach tells Paul that he's hated him all his life; Paul made him the way he is. "You're evil," says Zach over Paul's protestations. "You are the reason Mom killed herself." It's horrible to hear (for me as well as Paul). Instantly, Paul tells Zach not to say that, but it's clear that it's a thought he's had at least once himself. Watching this scene, it's impossible not to hate Mary Alice at least a little. Her death ripped these two characters to shreds, and they haven't been able to survive without her. It's really depressing.
Realizing that he has power now, Zach gets in Paul's face about the suicide. Paul tries to say that Mary Alice loved him, but Zach says that no one could love Paul.
Later, Karen's house is completely trashed, so she literally drags Porter and Preston home by the ears. Lynette pretends to be shocked, and Karen abruptly remembers that the twins aren't sweet, but actually monsters. She storms out.
Amazingly, the twins think that they're going to be allowed to move back home. Lynette tells them they're going to clean up Karen's house and then find a new apartment. She yells at them for being helpless, but they turn the tables and blame her. They accuse her of always doing everything for them, and though she obviously wants to, Lynette can't deny this. Predictably (seriously, either I know this character too well now or the writers are getting stale), this all comes back to Lynette's childhood: she had to grow up too fast, so she didn't want the boys to as well. She admits that it went on too long. She apologizes, but says that it's time for them to grow up; the twins agree. Then she says she'll teach them how to make an omelet.
I cannot decide if this whole plot made absolutely no sense or not. This is the problem: remember this episode? The whole thing revolved around Lynette not wanting Tom's mom to dote on the kids and turn them into dependent idiots. Now a few months later, she's apparently done the same thing their whole lives? It doesn't quite seem in character. Not to mention that if she did it with the twins, I'd imagine she's done it with all of the kids, and just a few months ago there was a whole episode about Penny (at age "11") being responsible enough to take care of Paige. Even in that fantasy segment from "If" last season, Lynette made her disabled child make his own sandwich because he had to learn to take care of himself. So to me, it doesn't add up.
Not only does that bother me, but I also don't buy that the twins are that stupid. They've always been rash and impetuous (characteristics I like because they are so like their parents); that doesn't make them idiots. Preston spent eight months traveling around Europe and managed to survive. Porter is in college. Lynette and Tom have trusted them to take care of the baby more than once. And just last season it was established that she made Porter do the laundry (they had that big fight about it). So I have a hard time believing that they have that little common sense.
I really think that this plot would have made more sense when the twins were about twelve or thirteen. The one thing that I have no problem believing is that Lynette wanted her kids to have a real childhood; that has been clearly established. But I think that she would have started to realize they need more responsibility about the time they hit puberty, not when they were fully grown men. Actually, if this episode had taken place in real time, not in five-year-jump land, it would have really worked. I could totally see Lynette getting into a power struggle with her teenage boys over making them take more responsibility. But at this point in time, I don't quite buy it.
Anyway, the show is still going on. All that thinking that Bree did the night before actually leads to her to finally doing the right thing. She tells Keith that he should move. Right now his relationship with Charlie is long distance, and she knows that it's more important for that relationship to work than theirs. She tells him that she's already lived through having kids, and they are the most important people in her life. Keith can always find another love (as Bree has time and again), but he won't be able to replace his relationship with his child.
I am ridiculously happy to see Keith go. Bree has been trapped in this snooze-worthy storyline for two thirds of the season, and I'm ready for her to move on. Not only did Bree and Keith have the least conflicted relationship of any couple in the history of this show, but I also feel like it lacked any sort of character exploration. In some ways, this felt like the lost Karl relationship to me, answering that question: what would Bree have been like if she actually wound up with a guy who wasn't so much like her? Unfortunately, Keith is no Karl, and if they needed to go down this road, I would have rather seen it happen last year with Karl than this year with Keith.
This season could have been much more about Bree reinventing herself than it has been. There was no fallout from her selling the business; little to no follow up with the fact that she's now a divorcee; no dealing with the fact that she's an adult with grown children--really alone for the first time. I would have rather seen her struggle with her identity in the beginning of this season and maybe find herself in a relationship in the latter half instead of what the show gave us. This show needs to remember that it's not just a romantic comedy; there are other facets of these characters to explore.
Commercials.
Time for more dialysis hijinks. Susan and Renee have arrived at the restaurant, and Susan tries to use her dialysis to cut the line, but for once it's a no go. A pushy man refuses to let Susan play the pity card: he's a diabetic; his wife has arthritis. He goes on a long diatribe about how everyone has problems, and Susan isn't special. It is amazing. More people should say this to Susan. Shot down, Susan and Renee walk away, and Susan complains that she doesn't feel well. A second later, she collapses. Renee thinks she's faking for a second, then realizes that Susan really did pass out. She yells for someone to call 911.
That night, at home, Paul sits on his bed and waits for Beth to come out of the bathroom. When she does, he picks up a suitcase and forcibly drags her downstairs. She tries to protest, but he finally confesses that he knows who she is. Beth begs him to forgive her, trying to say that she loves him, but he literally throws her out of the house. "No one could ever love me," he says, handing her her gun and slamming the door in her face. He didn't even give her her fish.
End narration: Mary Alice talks about leaving. Porter and Preston pack up their car and hit the road. Gaby and Carlos hold hands as they take a taxi home. Keith has apparently agreed to go: he packs his bag to leave. As Mary Alice sums this episode up, not once mentioning the destruction she has borne her family, Beth sadly walks down the street, realizing she has no where to go.
Overall, I'd give this episode a B. Without nitpicking, it really was stellar, but there are too many little things I can't quite let go. The one part of the episode that really worked for me was Paul's plot; it was the most brilliant, by far. Subtle and powerful, and I felt bad for every one of the characters. It's heartbreaking to see how their lives have been destroyed by one death, and a nice reminder that at one time, Mary Alice's suicide was the heart of this show. This episode did make me wonder, though, if this season might not end with Paul's suicide as well. I feel like he's headed in a downward spiral, and no one cares enough to save him.
Season Seven, Episode Fifteen: "Farewell Letter"
Lynette is the opening narration this week as Mary Alice reminds us of all of how many sleepless nights she's had (feeding babies, taking care of sick children, and breaking up pillow fights). They even brought back the former actors who played the boys for this walk down memory lane (which makes me wish, not for the first time, that this show hadn't jumped five years into the future). Anyway, even now that her boys are grown up, they're still bothering the hell out of her. Porter wakes her up to ask if they have eggs. Apparently Lynette is too tired to tell him to GO AWAY. He continues to pester her (where do they keep the eggs?, how do you make an omelet?) until finally Lynette gets out of bed to do it herself. Thus begins my tremulous belief that this plot makes any sense. No one, least of all Lynette, would get up in the middle of the night to make her twenty-year-old sons omelets.
Downstairs, she finds that Porter and Preston are not alone: they brought home two trashy girls. They want the omelets to impress them. Lynette drags the twins over to complain that they woke her up to feed their booty calls and remind them that as a house rule, they're not supposed to be bringing girls home to hook up. They tell Lynette that they're men now, and instead of taking charge and kicking out the bimbos, Lynette just lies that they keep the eggs under the sink and watches incredulously as Preston actually goes looking for them there. Then she just walks away.
Wee little credits.
The next morning, Lynette and Tom are waiting for the boys when they come downstairs. Tom shoves the newspaper into Preston's hand, and then he and Lynette announce that the boys have seven days to leave. Porter tries to protest that they promised he could stay until he finished college (which raises so many questions: 1. why doesn't he live in a dorm? 2. did Preston ever start school or has he literally just been bumming around for a year now? 3. why do they WANT to live at home with their parents and three siblings, one of whom is a screaming baby they're constantly forced to look after? Porter and Preston, I DO NOT understand you). Instead of pointing this out, Lynette and Tom just insist that they need to leave. Tom even tells them to get jobs to pay for it. Sulkily, the twins go off to make phone calls. Lynette and Tom agree that while the boys are not ready, they have to be pushed out of the nest or they'll never learn to fly.
Susan is driving and bitching on the phone about her insurance only covering part of her dialysis. She spills coffee all over herself, and things just keep getting worse as a cop pulls her over. He accuses her of not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign and asks for her license and registration. As always, Susan has to give a whole huge sob story, bitching about the insurance and coffee and how she'll be late for dialysis now and get a bad seat near the bathroom. Taking pity (or maybe not wanting to listen to Susan whine), the cop decides to let her off with a warning. Susan: "Thank you dialysis."
Meanwhile, Gaby packs for a trip to her hometown in Texas. She isn't looking forward to going home, complaining about the hick people, small town, and perpetual tire fire. As usual, Carlos sees through this and points out that she doesn't want to go because she really doesn't want to do her therapy homework. The therapist made her write a letter to her stepfather expressing how she felt; now she wants Gaby to go to his grave and read it to him. Gaby is skeptical that this will help.
Mike and Paul are taking Zach to rehab; Zach is not thrilled about this. In fact, he's so resistant that he tries to jump out of the moving car. When Paul stops him, Zach tries to blame Paul for everything that's wrong with him. Paul points out that Zach was the one who shot him, and he yells that Zach is going to go to rehab to get sorted out or else Paul will send him to rot in jail. Zach doesn't protest, so Paul leans over and straps him back in. Such a small touch, but so brilliant. Whoever made that call is genius.
After finding out about his long lost son last week, Keith makes an effort to cram a lifetime of bonding into what seems like a day. This amounts to teaching Charlie how to throw a baseball. Everyone is all smiles until Charlie's mom shows up and announces they have to go finish packing. They're moving to Florida. Charlie skedaddles, and Keith is left to whine to Bree about how he lost precious bonding time with Charlie because Bree lied. This one argument is the only time they address this point. Keith is mad, but he's too in love with Bree to hold it against her. Gag me.
Commercials.
Susan and MJ in a grocery store. Obviously this isn't leading anywhere good. In fact, MJ is out to prove that he is his mother's son by whining that he's going to miss "Tom and Jerry" because he and Susan are stuck in line at the grocery store. Do kids really still watch "Tom and Jerry"? Is it even on TV anymore? Susan sighs, then inspiration strikes. She sends MJ off on an errand (I guess she can't lie in front of her son), and pretends she's late for dialysis to cut the line. That Susan, always a class act.
Gaby and Carlos arrive in small town Texas, sticking out like two sore thumbs. A woman approaches them to ask if they're lost, and then realizes who Gaby is. She's genuinely thrilled to see Gabrielle (seeing that she's such a famous supermodel). The woman asks what brings Gaby back, but Gaby is too distracted by a nun crossing the street to respond. Clearly she and the nun recognize each other. Upset, Gaby insists that they need to go to the hotel, and she and Carlos pile back into the cab. The nun stares ominously.
Back in Fairview, Keith has just dropped Charlie and his mom (does she have a name?) at the airport and arrives home to sulk some more. He gives this big speech about his absentee father, and how he's now in the same situation despite vowing to never to become his dad. Except, you know, his dad was in the army and Keith is just slumming around Fairview. Bree is nice enough just to say, "You're not your father."
Across the street, we find out that it didn't take long for Porter and Preston to find a new place of residence. They and their parents are out on the driveway, putting the last boxes into their car and saying goodbye. Lynette even does that cute mommy thing and takes a picture of her grown-up boys (as Tom good naturedly rolls his eyes). The twins get in the car and drive away as Lynette gets emotional and goes to Tom for a hug. It is not a moment with a long shelf life; seconds later, Tom notices that the twins drove across the street--they're moving in with Mrs. McCluskey. Horrified, Lynette erases her picture.
Commercials.
Susan and Renee are apparently still BFFs; Susan is over at Renee's having coffee. She gets off the phone and brags about how dialysis got her out of jury duty. Unsurprisingly, Renee is impressed and wishes that she was on dialysis too. Susan admits that she doesn't feel guilty because something good may as well come from this shitty situation. Renee decides they should continue to use Susan's new power for evil: they're going to get into a restaurant that usually has a long wait.
Back in the great state of Texas, the Solises arrive at a cafe for dinner. The place is completely decked out with pictures of Gaby--magazine covers, spreads from photo shoots, etc. Immediately, people flock to Gaby so they can get pictures with her (Carlos, her chauffeur, takes them). The surprises keep on coming as the school principal comes up and asks Gaby if she'll come speak to the girls at the school tomorrow. She's a motivational figure: the only one who ever made something of herself. Carlos tries to protest that they have a plane to catch, but of course Gaby isn't one to shy way from attention. Ever.
Later, Paul arrives home, and Beth asks him how it went with Zach. They make some chit chat, and Beth says that she feels like Paul has pulled away from her. She thinks that it's about Zach, not realizing that Paul knows her true identity. She's so excited that this is all sorted out because now they can be close again; she goes to hug Paul and realizes that he has her gun stuck in the back of his pants. Paul says that he needed to feel protected around Zach, but then casually wonders why Beth even had to bring a gun into their home. Beth gets overly defensive, yelling that Paul can get rid of the gun if he wants, and then begs Paul to talk to her. Since Paul couldn't tell the truth to save his life, he instead gives a spiel about betrayal--can things ever be good again after that? Beth looks worried.
That night, Keith wakes Bree with the perfect plan for her to make amends for lying (hint: it's not sex). They should move to Florida! Unsurprisingly, swimming with dolphins and picking oranges is not enough incentive for Bree. Keith is bummed, but the only other solution is for him to move on alone, and he knows a long distance relationship would be doomed. With this thought, he rolls over to go to sleep, leaving Bree up to mull things over.
Commercials.
The next day, Gaby's on the phone in her motel room doing a newspaper interview. As she hangs up, Carlos tries to point out that she still needs to go to the cemetery. Gaby says she's already gotten closure since she's now being beloved by a town that once shunned her. Carlos, as always, is skeptical.
As they have so many times before, the Scavos stare out their living room window while discussing the antics of their children. Lynette thinks that McCluskey will whip the kids into shape, but a second later Karen calls to ask Lynette how to make an omelet for the twins. Obviously this isn't going to fly; Lynette hurries right over, and to her dismay, finds the twins eating breakfast with Karen, Roy and the two trashy girls. Annoyed, Lynette tells Karen that the point was for the twins to grow up, but instead they just moved from her boob to Karen's. Everyone makes a face. Lynette drags Karen out of the room to continue complaining, but Karen says that the twins are good boys and as long as they continue to be, she doesn't care if she waits on them. You can practically see the lightbulb above Lynette's head.
The hits keep on coming for poor Carlos as he later listens to Gaby warning a group of girls about the dangers of math and science (thinking too hard gives you wrinkles). You know he's probably wondering what she's been telling their daughters. Just then, the principal interrupts to reintroduce the nun from earlier, Sister Marta, to Gaby. Sister Marta is pretty condescending, telling Gaby that she's always loved being the center of attention, and with that parting shot she walks away.
Gaby storms after Sister Marta and demands to talk to her. Apparently, she told the nun what was happening with her stepfather, but her confession was dismissed. Sister Marta thought Gaby was making it up (she was a "trashy" girl because she read inappropriate books and magazines); slowly, Gaby realizes that the nun still doesn't believe her. At this point, Gaby breaks down, telling Sister Marta that after Gaby told her about the rape, she (the nun) told Gaby she should be ashamed of herself (for what happened or "lying" about it, I'm not sure), and ever since then, Gaby has been ashamed. The nun wants to know if Gaby came back to blame her, and Gaby says no, she came back because her therapist said talking to her stepfather's grave would bring closure. Instead, Gaby is going to tell her what she came to tell him: "I did not deserve what happened to me. I was a child. But you, you were a grown-up and you did nothing. You should be ashamed of yourself." It's really powerful, I think particularly because of the word "grown-up" instead of "adult." It really drives home how young Gaby was when this happened.
Leaving Sister Marta speechless, Gaby walks out, head held high, and meets Carlos. It's unclear whether he heard her, but he doesn't protest when Gaby says she's ready to go home.
Leaving this plot out of any context, I really am happy that the show finally decided to explore more of Gaby's past. I feel like her past more than any of the other characters (except perhaps Bree), hasn't been explored in as much depth. This molestation plot has only been mentioned once before (in season two), and it's nice to see that explored in a little more depth. I really enjoyed this scene where Gaby confronted Sister Marta.
That said, I do hate when this show starts in one place and veers off in a totally different direction without closure. The therapy started as a way for Gaby to deal with Grace leaving. Is she just over that now? Will Grace ever be mentioned again? It reminds me of how Rick suddenly popped back up in season four only for the plot to end up revolving around Kayla, or how the Porter being falsely accused of murder storyline ended quite abruptly with a one episode plot about Lynette and her mom. It's inexplicable to me how they decide which plots get to go on for sixteen episodes (Bree/Keith), and which ones are suddenly dropped without a second thought. Don't get me wrong, I liked this story, but I just wish that the audience could have gotten some closure with Grace first.
Commercials.
Back on Wisteria Lane, Lynette has decided to "celebrate" the boys' big move by bringing them a keg and telling them to have a party. Lynette is the queen of these back door moves.
Meanwhile, Paul goes to visit Zach in rehab. I think he should have waited longer, but Paul desperately needs to know why Zach shot him. Zach tells Paul that he's hated him all his life; Paul made him the way he is. "You're evil," says Zach over Paul's protestations. "You are the reason Mom killed herself." It's horrible to hear (for me as well as Paul). Instantly, Paul tells Zach not to say that, but it's clear that it's a thought he's had at least once himself. Watching this scene, it's impossible not to hate Mary Alice at least a little. Her death ripped these two characters to shreds, and they haven't been able to survive without her. It's really depressing.
Realizing that he has power now, Zach gets in Paul's face about the suicide. Paul tries to say that Mary Alice loved him, but Zach says that no one could love Paul.
Later, Karen's house is completely trashed, so she literally drags Porter and Preston home by the ears. Lynette pretends to be shocked, and Karen abruptly remembers that the twins aren't sweet, but actually monsters. She storms out.
Amazingly, the twins think that they're going to be allowed to move back home. Lynette tells them they're going to clean up Karen's house and then find a new apartment. She yells at them for being helpless, but they turn the tables and blame her. They accuse her of always doing everything for them, and though she obviously wants to, Lynette can't deny this. Predictably (seriously, either I know this character too well now or the writers are getting stale), this all comes back to Lynette's childhood: she had to grow up too fast, so she didn't want the boys to as well. She admits that it went on too long. She apologizes, but says that it's time for them to grow up; the twins agree. Then she says she'll teach them how to make an omelet.
I cannot decide if this whole plot made absolutely no sense or not. This is the problem: remember this episode? The whole thing revolved around Lynette not wanting Tom's mom to dote on the kids and turn them into dependent idiots. Now a few months later, she's apparently done the same thing their whole lives? It doesn't quite seem in character. Not to mention that if she did it with the twins, I'd imagine she's done it with all of the kids, and just a few months ago there was a whole episode about Penny (at age "11") being responsible enough to take care of Paige. Even in that fantasy segment from "If" last season, Lynette made her disabled child make his own sandwich because he had to learn to take care of himself. So to me, it doesn't add up.
Not only does that bother me, but I also don't buy that the twins are that stupid. They've always been rash and impetuous (characteristics I like because they are so like their parents); that doesn't make them idiots. Preston spent eight months traveling around Europe and managed to survive. Porter is in college. Lynette and Tom have trusted them to take care of the baby more than once. And just last season it was established that she made Porter do the laundry (they had that big fight about it). So I have a hard time believing that they have that little common sense.
I really think that this plot would have made more sense when the twins were about twelve or thirteen. The one thing that I have no problem believing is that Lynette wanted her kids to have a real childhood; that has been clearly established. But I think that she would have started to realize they need more responsibility about the time they hit puberty, not when they were fully grown men. Actually, if this episode had taken place in real time, not in five-year-jump land, it would have really worked. I could totally see Lynette getting into a power struggle with her teenage boys over making them take more responsibility. But at this point in time, I don't quite buy it.
Anyway, the show is still going on. All that thinking that Bree did the night before actually leads to her to finally doing the right thing. She tells Keith that he should move. Right now his relationship with Charlie is long distance, and she knows that it's more important for that relationship to work than theirs. She tells him that she's already lived through having kids, and they are the most important people in her life. Keith can always find another love (as Bree has time and again), but he won't be able to replace his relationship with his child.
I am ridiculously happy to see Keith go. Bree has been trapped in this snooze-worthy storyline for two thirds of the season, and I'm ready for her to move on. Not only did Bree and Keith have the least conflicted relationship of any couple in the history of this show, but I also feel like it lacked any sort of character exploration. In some ways, this felt like the lost Karl relationship to me, answering that question: what would Bree have been like if she actually wound up with a guy who wasn't so much like her? Unfortunately, Keith is no Karl, and if they needed to go down this road, I would have rather seen it happen last year with Karl than this year with Keith.
This season could have been much more about Bree reinventing herself than it has been. There was no fallout from her selling the business; little to no follow up with the fact that she's now a divorcee; no dealing with the fact that she's an adult with grown children--really alone for the first time. I would have rather seen her struggle with her identity in the beginning of this season and maybe find herself in a relationship in the latter half instead of what the show gave us. This show needs to remember that it's not just a romantic comedy; there are other facets of these characters to explore.
Commercials.
Time for more dialysis hijinks. Susan and Renee have arrived at the restaurant, and Susan tries to use her dialysis to cut the line, but for once it's a no go. A pushy man refuses to let Susan play the pity card: he's a diabetic; his wife has arthritis. He goes on a long diatribe about how everyone has problems, and Susan isn't special. It is amazing. More people should say this to Susan. Shot down, Susan and Renee walk away, and Susan complains that she doesn't feel well. A second later, she collapses. Renee thinks she's faking for a second, then realizes that Susan really did pass out. She yells for someone to call 911.
That night, at home, Paul sits on his bed and waits for Beth to come out of the bathroom. When she does, he picks up a suitcase and forcibly drags her downstairs. She tries to protest, but he finally confesses that he knows who she is. Beth begs him to forgive her, trying to say that she loves him, but he literally throws her out of the house. "No one could ever love me," he says, handing her her gun and slamming the door in her face. He didn't even give her her fish.
End narration: Mary Alice talks about leaving. Porter and Preston pack up their car and hit the road. Gaby and Carlos hold hands as they take a taxi home. Keith has apparently agreed to go: he packs his bag to leave. As Mary Alice sums this episode up, not once mentioning the destruction she has borne her family, Beth sadly walks down the street, realizing she has no where to go.
Overall, I'd give this episode a B. Without nitpicking, it really was stellar, but there are too many little things I can't quite let go. The one part of the episode that really worked for me was Paul's plot; it was the most brilliant, by far. Subtle and powerful, and I felt bad for every one of the characters. It's heartbreaking to see how their lives have been destroyed by one death, and a nice reminder that at one time, Mary Alice's suicide was the heart of this show. This episode did make me wonder, though, if this season might not end with Paul's suicide as well. I feel like he's headed in a downward spiral, and no one cares enough to save him.
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