DH recap: My Two Young Men

Season Six, Episode Eighteen: "My Two Young Men"

"You should never trust family photos," says Mary Alice as the camera closes in on a bookshelf with various pictures of the Van de Kamp family. "They are designed to be misleading." Boy is that ever true. First up is a picture of Bree that was certainly taken post-Rex's death; her hair is a lot softer. "A mother's bright smile might hide a lifetime of disappointment." Really, Mary Alice, Bree's entire life has been disappointing? I find that hard to believe. Next she moves on to Andrew in a picture where he's unfortunately sporting his awful haircut and a weird smattering of facial hair; "A son's sweet expression could conceal boundless rage." Next comes a rather unflattering picture of Danielle: "A daughter's sedate pose might obscure years of unladylike behavior." And finally, there's that classic picture of the Van de Kamps that the show has trotted out for years: the one where they're all dressed in black and Danielle and Andrew both sport their very horrid season one haircuts; "And as for that father with the air of dignity, there's always the chance he has another family elsewhere." As she says this, the picture goes from the Van de Kamps to that suspicious one of Rex and Sam as a small boy. Now that I'm getting another look at it, my suspicions go beyond not trusting Sam. The kid in the picture appears to be about six and even though the timing of this supposed conception already makes absolutely no sense, this pushes it well beyond the realm of reason. Just how old are we supposed to believe Rex was when he WENT TO COLLEGE AND MET BREE?? Huh, show? Explain that one to me? At this point I would pay the show if they let me be a timeline/continuity adviser.

Anyway, Andrew is the one who is holding the picture of Rex and Sam. Bree has just finished telling him about Sam's paternity and Andrew doesn't know what to say. He starts with, "So you're my brother?" and Sam, who sits on the opposite couch, is quick to correct, "Half-brother to be precise." Touchingly, Orson is sitting between the two couches looking at Andrew with a concerned, fatherly expression. The Orson-Andrew relationship is so interesting and I wish the show would utilize it more often. Suffice it to say, I love how Kyle MacLachlan and Shawn Pyfrom play off of one another in this episode. "Andrew, you have every right to be upset," acknowledges Bree. "Your father should have told us about this years ago, but please don't be angry with Sam. It's not his fault." This little speech might have had the desired effect if it weren't for Bree punctuating it by rubbing Sam's shoulder; Andrew's face falls at the sight. "I'm fine," Andrew lies. "I just need to be by myself for a little while." As he stands to leave, his parting words to Sam are: "If you don't mind, I"ll hug you later." Heh.

With Andrew gone, Bree admits that the news went better than expected. Sam says that he thinks he and Andrew will end up good friends once the shock wears off, but I highly doubt that. To my utter excitement, Bree tells Sam that Danielle is flying in "tomorrow" to meet him and that she's sure they're going to hit it off. At this announcement, Orson's looks concerned and I'm not sure if it's because Danielle is coming to town or because Bree has lost her damn mind. Either way, he tells Bree that he agrees with her when she asks his opinion. Orson makes up a reason to get Sam out of the room; Sam and Bree hug and then Sam leaves.

Bree sighs and takes a seat; Orson asks her when she spoke to Danielle. Nice of Bree to tell Orson that Danielle was popping by for a visit. Bree tells Orson that when she called Danielle an hour before to tell her about Sam, Danielle insisted on coming home for a family dinner. Wow. How un-Danielle like. "Well you've certainly wasted no time welcoming Sam to the family," says Orson a bit sarcastically. He acknowledges that he agrees with Bree about Andrew and Danielle getting to know their new brother, but admits that he's not sure why Bree's so excited about it. "Excited?" asks Bree in disbelief. "I'm ashamed! Rex kept that boy in the shadows for years. I can't look at Sam without feeling overwhelming guilt." Orson correctly points out that Bree has no reason to feel guilty, but Bree doesn't care. Since Rex is gone it's her job to make sure that Sam is treated like a Van de Kamp. Well in that case, Sam would be better off running away now. Bree looks at the photo of Sam and Rex again and Mary Alice pops back in to say, "Yes, be careful when looking at family photos." Cut to Sam eavesdropping in the hallway. "Like certain members of the family, they are not to be trusted." Not to be trusted because they're eavesdroppers or because they're super crazy and lying about their paternity? I desperately hope it's the latter.

Wee little credits!

There is a close up on a sign featuring little children and chocolate bars with the words "Candy Drive" emblazoned above them. "Every year Oakridge Private School held a fundraising drive," Mary Alice informs the audience. The shot cuts into a classroom where a teacher talks to the kids and then hands out boxes of chocolate bars; Mary Alice explains that the children are asked to sell $3 bars of chocolate and the child who sells the most wins a prize. "Of course, for someone to win, someone else had to lose," Mary Alice sums up. On the word "lose" the show cuts to a shot of MJ sitting sulkily on a bench outside of the classroom. Is it horrible that I laughed a little over the fact that Mary Alice basically called Susan's child a loser?

Susan approaches MJ and asks if he's gotten his candy yet. MJ hasn't because he doesn't see the point: he's not going to win because he never wins anything. Mason Vale Cotton is always absurdly cute, but seeing his little eyes well up with tears as he says this just about breaks my heart. Apparently the sight broke Susan's heart too because the scene immediately cuts to the Delfino kitchen where Mike asks, "You promised him he'd win?" in utter disbelief. "He was about to cry; what was I supposed to say?" asks Susan. As much as I hate to admit it (because I can see why Susan said that), Mike has a point when he tells Susan she should have gone in a route more like, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

Desperately, Susan says, "He tries all the time! He never wins anything!" I don't know if it's the way Teri Hatcher is delivering these lines--in a wispy, melancholy tone--or the content, but for once I'm totally on board with Susan. I want to see MJ win too. Susan elaborates her point for Mike: MJ is bad at sports, card games, and he had a particularly humiliating time at a spelling bee (apparently he spelled "kayak" with a "q"). "My point is," Susan sums up, "I want him to feel good about himself! Every child should win something at least once! See, you win everything! I know what it's like to lose!" My face mirrors Mike's expression of horror as Susan goes from a brief moment of being endearing into what is likely to be a self-pity party. "Dear God, not the jump rope competition," he pleads.

Susan continues as though Mike hasn't spoken: when she was in sixth grade she was in a jump roping competition that came down to her and Barbara Briscoe (hilariously, Mike mouths the name along with Susan). Apparently poor Barbara suffered from allergies and her dandelion season handicap would have secured Susan the win if it wasn't for Barbara's mother giving her an allergy shot. How odd that her mother had the shot with her; my sis still goes to the allergist for her shots and our mother is a registered nurse. Anyway, the scene gets simultaneously hilarious and gruesome as Susan works to her frenzied climax: she grabs Mike by the shoulders and shakes him as she insists that the allergy shot was technically a steroid--a line that is funny, yet hindered by the horrifying way Teri Hatcher's face doesn't move as she's yelling. Mike tries not to roll his eyes and pats Susan on the shoulder. He promises to support her quest to make MJ a winner as long as she never tells the jump roping story again. Smartly, he leaves before Susan can respond, but she tries to glare at him without actually moving her facial muscles. It's seriously freaking me out.

Over at the Scavos', Preston and Irina are snuggled up together naked in a twin bed. When I originally watched this, this was my train of successively horrifying thoughts: "Ew, Preston had sex with the Russian skank!"; followed by "Ew! He shares that room with his brother; I hope Porter's not there!"; followed by "EW! That's not even his room, it's Parker's!" Needless to say, if I was Parker, I'd buy some new sheets. Of course, knowing Parker's penchant for dirty magazines and being a peeping Tom, I'd probably have changed the sheets to begin with, but I doubt Preston or Irina is that smart.

Preston and Irina giggle about how good the sex was, but they're interrupted by Lynette knocking on the door. She's looking for Irina, so presumably Parker was forced to relinquish his room to the skank upon her arrival. "Hold one second!" calls Irina. "I have yet to get decent!" Lynette clearly resists the urge to roll her eyes and a moment later Irina opens the door wearing a silky blue bathrobe. Upon being invited in, Lynette immediately looks around the room with suspicious baby blues, but Preston is no where in sight. "Huh, I thought I made that bed this morning," observes Lynette. Irina can't even make her own bed as a guest in someone else's home? Okay, now I hate her. Irina lies that she took a nap. Lynette gathers up Irina's clothes for the laundry and of course Preston has left his lying on the floor. Lynette glances at the closet while Irina makes a half-assed effort at fixing the bedding. Too little, too late, skank.

Verbally calling out that she's leaving, Lynette closes the door without stepping a foot into the hallway and Preston bursts from the closet with a triumphant: "Man that was close!" His face instantly falls when he sees his mother. The kid has been away from home for way too long if he's falling for that old trick. "Oh crap," he says. Lynette is not amused. She drops the laundry basket and waggles a finger at Preston as she seriously lectures him: "Your father and I told you no sleeping together in this house and here you are openly defying us!" Not realizing that Lynette's tone clearly implies that death is near, Preston jokes, "Not openly. We were hoping to get away with it." Oh Preston, you idiot.

"That is not funny!" Lynette says, her tone becoming deadly. "Your eleven-year-old sister is in the next room! I don't want you setting that kind of example!" Before Preston can respond, Porter bursts into the room (Lynette is hidden by the door) and pants, "Dude, look out! Mom's back from the store!" Hilariously, Lynette leans into Porter's view and his eyes widen; "Oh," he says, picking up what appears to be a sports trophy, "this is what I was looking for." He flees the room. Heh. Preston says that he'd better get dressed and runs out of the room after his brother, leaving Lynette alone with the skank. Lynette asks Irina to not let "it" happen again, but Irina says that if it was another girl Lynette wouldn't care so much. I'm not so sure about that; eleven or thirteen, Penny is a little young to be exposed to her brothers' sex lives. Of course, I'm sure the fact that it's Irina makes the entire situation worse. "You just don't like me," Irina accurately points out. This, of course, pushes Lynette into her uncomfortable, lying voice: "That...is not true. I'm still getting to know you. And I am sure that over time that I will come to think of you as a valued member of our..." The lie hurts Lynette so physically that she can't even spit out the word "family." Instead she gasps, grabs something from Parker's shelf and takes a page out of Porter's book: "Oh here's what I was looking for," she almost whispers, and she leaves the room.

Katherine and Robin fall back on a bed, naked and giggling. What's with all the mid-afternoon sex on the Lane this week? And what is up with Robin's HUGE ring? I think that would hurt if poked into the wrong area. "You were right," says Katherine, "that was more refreshing than taking a nap." Robin smiles and gets out of bed, pulling on her cheetah robe. The subject of conversation turns to Roy and Karen, the latter of whom had surgery and is now cancer-free. Wow, that was fast. Now they're having a party to celebrate. "I hope you told them I'd be there," Robin says to Katherine. Katherine's smile tightens ever so slightly. Apparently she told Roy that they'd go, but she doesn't think it's a good idea to go as a couple. "Except for Susan, people don't really know what's going on with us," explains Katherine. Robin lets Katherine know that she doesn't know either.

"Do we have to put a label on it?" asks Katherine, pulling a pillow up in front of her body. Everything about her screams discomfort now. She doesn't see why the fact that she really likes Robin can't be enough. Robin protests that it might be better if everyone knew how happy they made one another. Katherine isn't so sure, so Robin doesn't push it any further.

Susan finishes setting up the poker table as Gaby arrives with Juanita in tow; Lynette and Bree are already there. The girls greet the Solises, and Gaby tells Juanita to hit it. "Hello, my name is Juanita Solis and I am in the third grade," Juanita reads from a paper. She pauses with such a big grin on her pretty face that I'm almost entranced enough to let slide that Juanita has now aged another year in this season. Almost. "Won't you support me?" Juanita continues. "I am selling candy so I can stay in school and not end up on the streets selling drugs." And here I was thinking that was a school-sponsored speech; I should have known it's pure Gaby. The girls chuckle and Gaby says she'll take over. She gives the girls the low down on the sale, and Lynette offers to buy a bar so Juanita doesn't end up on crack. Ha! Bree promptly agrees too. "One lousy bar?" asks Gaby, appalled. She says that it's a contest and Juanita plans to win. Awkward looks abound.

Susan tells Juanita to go play with MJ in the other room. After she's gone, Susan explains that Lynette and Bree already agreed to buy 8 bars from MJ. 8 bars each? Wow. "That's okay, they can buy from Juanita too," says Gaby. Neither Lynette or Bree looks pleased by this. With her creepy, motionless face, Susan explains that MJ is having a self-esteem crisis and he needs to win "this one." Is anyone surprised when I say that Gaby honestly couldn't care less? No? No takers? That's what I thought. It turns out that Juanita is having her own crisis: she hasn't made any friends at her new school. Aww, poor Juanita. Gaby thinks the prize--a big party--will win Juanita friends.

This announcement begins a back and forth between Gaby and Susan about whose child is worse off. An awkward stare-down results until Bree nervously asks, "So what are we doing?" Lynette admirably tries to argue that if they buy the same amount from Gaby and Susan then it will be a wash so they might as well not buy any. Wow, that would totally be my argument and I would totally get the same look Lynette gets now. "Get out your wallet," Bree wisely advises.

Commercials.

A "Congratulations Karen" banner hangs in the doorway of Karen's living room where a party is in full swing. The banner business must be very lucrative in Fairview; this is the fourth banner in as many weeks. Karen and Roy regale the Solises with an uplifting story about a girl about Gaby's age who never smoked a day in her life and had to undergo the same treatment as Karen. "You could be that girl, Gaby," Roy adds helpfully. Nice. He and Karen walk away and Gaby and Carlos agree to go drink a lot since they're going to die anyway.

The front door opens and Katherine and Robin walk in. Katherine reminds Robin--for what I'm sure is the hundredth time--that they're not there as a couple. "I know. We're on a covert lesbian mission," says Robin, rolling her eyes. Katherine apologizes, but she doesn't want to blow the neighbors' minds with her revelation. Robin points out that compared to Katherine's past indiscretions, this isn't much. Just then, Tom approaches them with an enthusiastic greeting; "Best cancer party ever!" he declares so dorkily that I love him even more. Tom goes on to say that he's been talking to Karen's doctor and Katherine made "quite an impression on him." Really? When was this? In the one minute she's been at the party? So bizarre. Katherine is obviously flattered and allows Tom to take her over to meet the doctor.

Across the room, Susan has just sold a chocolate bar to a woman who apparently came to the party in her husband's pajamas. Of course Gaby can't let this stand, and she storms away from Lynette and Tom to confront Susan. Gaby says that it's tacky that Susan is selling candy at an "I survived cancer" party, but Susan uses Susan-logic to argue that she saved a life by doing so. Yeah, I'm not even going to try to explain that one. "The competition is between the kids. They're supposed to be doing the selling, not the parents!" Gaby argues. She would pull it off too, but the next moment Lee storms up and demands to know why Gaby sold Bob chocolate so close to Speedo season. HAHA! Guiltily, Gaby flees the scene.

Robin is keeping a close eye on Katherine and the doctor. They're flirting, but he's so over-the-top that it's kind of pathetic. Maybe he's the male Katherine? Robin marches up and demands to speak to Katherine in private. She drags Katherine away from the doctor.

Nearby, Karen and Roy are finishing up their cancer story for Lee. "You could be that girl, Lee," says Roy and I dissolve into giggles. That's just too funny. Especially Lee's appalled expression.

Outside, Robin yells at Katherine for flirting for a guy right in front of her. "I wasn't flirting," Katherine lies. The way she was flipping her hair was practically a come-on. "I saw your face. You were enjoying it!" accuses Robin.

Back inside, Karen and Roy have gathered everyone together to make a speech. "I just want to thank you all for coming," says Roy, "and to say to Karen: thank God you're alright, baby." Everyone cheers. Karen thanks everyone too and asks for a moment of silence for all of the people who weren't as lucky as she. With bowed heads, the group descends into silence just in time to hear Katherine scream outside, "Just because I enjoy having sex with you doesn't make me a lesbian!" Robin and Katherine stare, horrified, through the window and all of the neighbors stare right back.

Over at the Hodges', Bree sits at the head of her dining room table, overseeing the awkward family dinner. "I wonder what Rex would say if he saw us here all together," she muses, patting Sam's shoulder. "Probably: 'Who's the guy in the wheelchair?'" jokes Orson. Bree smiles tolerantly. I have to agree; not Orson's best joke. Danielle asks Sam about the "fancy degree" her mom told her he has, but Bree doesn't let Sam answer, instead butting in to tell Danielle all about Sam's MBA. As Bree goes on and on about Sam's accomplishments and hardships, Andrew grows more and more sullen. Danielle says Sam's work digging wells in third world countries reminds her of her first job. "You worked at the food court in the mall," snarks Andrew. "The outlet mall," corrects Danielle. Hee! I have really missed Danielle. She really added an interesting flavor to the Van de Kamp family.

Bree takes the conversational reigns back from Danielle to say that she always hoped Andrew and Danielle would take an interest in helping the less fortunate. Why would they when their parents never did? She trails off and Andrew takes over to say that he and Danielle didn't in order to further disappoint their parents. Andrew really still is that angry little sixteen-year-old whose mother rejected him because he's gay, isn't he? Bree scowls and Danielle rolls her eyes. Can we bring back Joy Lauren? Please?

Sam changes the topic, asking what else Rex was interested in. Bree rattles off a long list, but doesn't spark Sam's interest until she mentions music. "I play the guitar," explains Sam. Immediately, Bree excuses herself and then the show cuts to Sam playing a guitar in the living room. I will grudgingly admit that he's pretty talented. Bree, Orson and Danielle are all obviously impressed; Andrew is not. When he finishes, Sam expositions that he can't believe he's playing his father's guitar. "It's just been sitting in that closet for years gathering dust," says Bree; she offers to let Sam keep it. Sam is surprised, Orson is perturbed and Andrew is horrified. Uh oh.

Andrew stands up and asks, "What if I want it? What if Danielle wants it?" Danielle, hilariously, looks somewhat surprised to be considered, but instantly denies wanting the guitar. "Don't you have a flight to catch?" Andrew growls. "Andrew, you've never shown any interest in that thing," Bree points out. Technically I completely understand Bree's point here, but she's not taking Andrew's feelings into consideration in the slightest, even if they are rather childish. He clearly has a lot of unresolved issues concerning his relationship with both of his parents.

"It's my dad's guitar. I'm plenty interested," argues Andrew. Bree, bless her, continues to try to be logical, pointing out that Andrew doesn't play. "I do so," lies Andrew. "I took lessons, okay?" Of course Bree can't let this pass, so she hands the guitar to Andrew and asks him to play. What follows is more hilarious than my words here will express: Andrew launches into a horrendous version of Jingle Bells that proves his talent on guitar is as great as Bree's at lap dances. Danielle looks disgusted, but it's not as funny as Orson nodding along and making faces when Andrew hits a bad chord. Quickly, Bree puts a stop to Andrew's concert and insists he give the guitar to Sam. "No," says Andrew, reverting to all of five-years-old. Orson tries to say that if the guitar means so much to Andrew, Bree should let him have it, but Bree interrupts him and calls Andrew on his childishness. This is the last straw for Andrew: he suggests that he and Sam share the guitar and smashes it into a hundred pieces. The family is aghast.

"I must apologize," Sam says in a smarmy voice. "My presence here is clearly causing unhappiness. I think I should go." Bree tells him there's no need to apologize and thanks him for being so dignified in the face of rudeness. Angrily she turns to glare at Andrew. "Yeah, I know," he says sadly. "He's the perfect son. Problem is: he's not yours." So true. And so to the heart of the matter, but Bree won't get that.

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Just as I got my hopes up that this episode would be Bolen-free, the next scene begins with Angie walking down her stairs. "So, we talkin' yet?" she asks Nick, who sits in the living room doing a crossword puzzle. He doesn't respond, so she walks over to him, sighs and drops a gun in his lap. He viscerally reacts, but Angie just says that she's so bored of the silent treatment he may as well shoot her. This, finally, gets Nick to start up their fight again to get the audience up to speed: he's pissed that she told her mom that Patrick is Danny's biodad because if too many people find out then Danny is bound to too. The only valuable thing we find out is that Patrick also knows about Danny. Nick does give a speech about being Danny's dad that might touch someone with less of a stone heart than I; my only reaction to think that if he's such a great dad, why did he boink the girl Danny had a crush on? Yeah. Forgot all about that, right show? Remember that two people have be strangled too? I wish they had stuck with that mystery; it would have been more interesting. Especially if someone I actually cared about had been strangled. Anyway, the heart of the matter is that Nick wants to tell Danny the truth, but Angie says no. "You're the only father he needs to know about," she insists. Nick acquiesces.

A phone rings and Angie's mother's nosy neighbor answers; it's Patrick Logan. I get crazily excited, even though the only shot of John Barrowman is a close up of his mouth. He wants to stop by and pay the neighbor for the information she gave him about Angie. She invites him to come over "tomorrow night," reminds him to bring cash and hangs up.

Back in Fairview, Susan drives down the street with MJ in the back seat. She's talking to someone named Tina on a car phone; it's been so long since they've spoken that Susan has to reintroduce herself as Susan Bremmer. Susan asks if Tina remembers the night she got caught streaking and Susan had to bail her out of jail. Tina said then that she owed Susan one. "Well I hope you like chocolate," Susan chuckles. I'm sure Tina's thinking that Susan's just as crazy as she used to be.

The act of calling in favors is interrupted when Susan spots Gaby out of the window. She's trotted out to a construction site with Juanita and she (Gaby) is wearing a short, gold dress and heels and flirting like crazy to sell some chocolate. That's a great example you're setting for your daughter there, Gaby. Susan says she'll call Tina back and groans at Gaby's actions. From the back seat, MJ moans, "I'm gonna lose this contest, aren't I?" Oh, MJ, sweetie. "No," says Susan. "You're gonna win. 'Cause Mommy's done playing fair." Oh Susan.

Breakfast looks to be just over in the Scavo kitchen. Tom's sitting at a messy table doing some work when Preston and Irina come downstairs hand-in-hand. "Hey," says Preston as the camera shot changes to reveal that Lynette is also in the room. She pours Tom some coffee as Preston continues, "Irina and I were talking and we feel really bad about yesterday." Tom diplomatically says that he and Lynette don't mean to come down hard on the young couple, but they don't want a couple of unmarried kids screwing around in their house. Nice to see that Tom's trying to take the reigns here and not let Lynette be the only bad guy. Irina says that she and Preston understand and Preston announces that he and Irina have decided to move into an apartment together.

There is no reaction shot from Lynette, but Tom is instantly horrified. "What?" he demands. Finally they show Lynette: she turns and gawks, open-mouthed, but doesn't respond. "No," says Tom firmly, making me oh-so-happy. "No. No. No." Preston points out that he and Irina are getting married in six months anyway and asks why not. "Why not?" blusters Tom. "Lynette? You wanna take this one?" Ah, Tom, I'm very glad you tried, at least.

Over by the sink, Lynette stuns Tom by saying she thinks it's a terrific idea. Tom makes this hilarious, "Oh God, what is she up to now?" face. "They're not kids anymore," Lynette goes on. "They're old enough to make this decision." I don't know how Preston doesn't recognize her plotting voice by now. Irina thanks Lynette and she and Preston skip out of the room.

"What are you doing?" asks Tom, somehow not recognizing Lynette's plotting voice any better than Preston did. "We were supposed to pull them apart, not push them together." I assume Lynette told Tom about the ring incident and that's why he's so against this marriage now. Lynette asks Tom if he remembers the apartment they moved into while they were saving for their house. "That dump? Yeah. It was the size of a closet," says Tom, standing up. Excuse me while I drift off and imagine all of the fanfic possibilities for a moment. Ah. There we go. Thank you. Lynette picks up Kids (hehehe...still funny) and asks Tom if he remembers how they treated one another while they lived there. Tom's memories include a lot of yelling and throwing things and he admits that there were a couple of times he thought they'd...

"Break up?" Lynette finishes his thought. She smirks and Tom finally gets it. "Lynette," he says breathlessly, "you are devious and evil and I have never been more in love with you!" She grins as he pulls her in for a kiss and they chuckle maniacally. Have I mentioned how much I love the Scavos?

A car door slams; it's Gaby and she's furious. "Susan Delfino you are so busted!" she screams. Susan stands across the street selling scads of chocolate bars to a group of people, and she looks a little guilty to be caught. "Gaby, what are you doing here?" she asks. Apparently Gaby found out from someone else what Susan was up to and she came to confront Susan; "I don't know what you're talking about," Susan says shiftily. The shot pulls back and reveals MJ in a wheelchair. Wow. That's low and hilarious and awful all at once. Remember when Lynette pretended Parker had cancer to get into a yoga class? This is on the same level.

Susan shoos the crowd away so she can deal with Gaby, who can't believe Susan would sink so low. She's less confident once Susan informs her she saw her slutting around to sell candy. "Oh. You saw that," says Gaby. The girls rehash their fight from earlier about which of their kids needs this more and that gets them no where. Finally Gaby storms off and leaves Susan to shout to the street that she's selling candy to help a young boy walk again. So horrible. On both their parts.

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Katherine primly walks toward her front door, brushing off Mrs. McCluskey, who stands outside watering her front lawn. When Karen asks her how she is she says that she's humiliated and doesn't stop to elaborate until Karen says, "Oh come on, it wasn't that bad!" Then Katherine turns around and growls, "My sex life was laid bare for the entire neighborhood. What could be worse?" Oh, shut up, Katherine. "Let's see," says Karen. "You could have had a party to celebrate getting over cancer and had a couple of lesbians steal your thunder." Zing! Katherine makes a lame apology and goes on and on about how embarrassed she is. Neither Karen nor I gives a rat's ass. I think the failing of this scene is that not only was there no follow-up reaction after the party revelation, but not one of the characters has spoken of it since. In other words, it comes off that Katherine is merely paranoid about being judged and it only makes me annoyed with her. Karen tells Katherine that if she really likes Robin then what happened shouldn't matter. She sums it up to two choices: dump the girl or leave the lane. Yay Karen! Katherine thanks Mrs. McCluskey and gives her a hug. "Break it up. This is how rumors get started," teases Karen.

Irina is making dinner for the Scavos, but judging by the table setting, that doesn't include any of the other Ps. Well I hope someone fed them. Tom and Lynette ask how the apartment hunting is going and you can tell that they're mentally high fiving each other. Pride goeth before the fall, as they say, because Preston joyfully announces that they've found a three bedroom apartment. "How are you going to afford a three bedroom apartment while you're going to college?" asks Lynette, concerned but not yet horrified. Preston announces that he's putting off college and getting a job; Lynette's eyebrows practically raise into her hairline. "Say...something!" she demands of Tom.

Tom fumbles for something relevant to say and finally asks Preston if he's thought this through; he points out that Preston needs to go to college to get a good job. Preston says he already found a good job as a gutter at the meat packing plant. Something about the way he says this and that stupid mustache makes me laugh. Lynette rises to her feet; "A gutter?" she asks, horrified. Preston starts to explain and Lynette waves him off; she knows what a gutter is. "Well did you know I get paid fourteen bucks an hour? Plus benefits?" he asks. Without thinking, Tom expresses how impressed he is by this, even adding that Preston will probably get free steaks. "Your son," says Lynette, "just announced that he's giving up college so he can be the guy in charge of guts and all you can say is 'Oh boy, free meat!'?" I read some criticism about how horrified and condescending Lynette is about this job, but my mother would skin me alive too if I announced I was giving up teaching to further pursue my job in retail. She still often refers to the time when I'll have a "real" job as if the two I have now don't count. So I can understand where Lynette is coming from, even if it may be uncouth.

Irina doesn't understand what the problem is; Tom sighs and Lynette physically ramps up into crazy mode. "Maybe in Russia," she says, and on the word Russia Tom's face literally contorts in pain and horror, "it's every mother's dream for her son to see what the inside of a cow looks like, but not in my home!" Tom reaches for the hand Lynette is resting on his shoulder and tries to calm her down before she goes too far, but it's too late. "You could be a doctor! You could be a lawyer! Why are you so intent on throwing your life away?" Oh Lynette. This stress can't be good for the baby. Will no one think of the children?! Preston tries to interject, but Irina interrupts to say that men support the women they love. "He's not in love!" yells Lynette. "He's blinded by a piece of self-serving Euro-trash that would sell her own mother for a pair of designer jeans." Holy hell I do love Lynette. She hasn't gotten this crazy in a long while. She'll regret it later, I'm sure. The twins certainly come by their impulsive, rash behavior naturally, though, don't they? Furious, Irina throws the borscht she made for dinner right in Lynette's face. Wow. I don't care what Lynette said, Irina just threw something that should have been scalding hot at a pregnant woman. She'd be out of my house so fast... Irina storms off and Tom heaves a huge sigh, probably grateful that someone wasn't killed.

Nick closes his trunk and pulls a beer out of his one recyclable grocery bag as he stares at Danny working in the garage. He offers the beer to his underage son and asks what's up with the bike Danny's fixing up. It turns out that Eddie got him a couple of shifts at the coffee shop and Danny needs wheels to get to work. Eddie works at the coffee shop? Maybe he's the forgotten strangler. Nick and Danny toast to Danny's first job and then Nick gives a reflective little speech about how fast kids grow up. "What's wrong?" asks Danny; I'm guessing nostalgia is unusual for Nick. Danny makes an offhand comment about how Nick's his dad and Nick tears up. In that moment it's clear he decides to keep the truth from his son. How sweet. How little I care. He congratulates Danny and leaves him to his bike repairs.

In New York, Patrick finally arrives at the nosy neighbor's and I do a little happy dance. Maybe now this story will actually get interesting! Patrick presents nosy neighbor with a bouquet of roses; minutes later the roses are in a vase and the pair has sat down to tea. Patrick hands nosy neighbor her money and she greedily counts it. Suddenly she's struck by a moment of guilt and she cautiously asks Patrick if there's going to be any trouble when he finds Angie. "You're not gonna like hurt her or anything?" she asks. Patrick says that Angie took something of his and he wants it back. Is he going to kidnap an eighteen-year-old?

Patrick clearly doesn't like nosy neighbor's newly found conscience, and he casually remarks that the neighborhood seems unsafe. Not understanding that the scene has taken an ominous turn, nosy neighbor points out all of the locks on her door. Patrick opens a window, wraps his scarf around his hand and punches in the glass of the other window. Nosy neighbor still doesn't get what's going on and so she ignores me when I tell her to run. Patrick wraps the scarf tautly between his hands and approaches nosy neighbor, clearly intending to kill her. Now he's strangling people. What a world, what a world.

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Lynette scrubs borscht from one of the kitchen chairs when Irina approaches her. It's certainly the next day, which begs the question: why the hell didn't either Tom or Preston clean up the kitchen the night before? Did they really save that task for a woman in her third trimester? Maybe they just didn't clean up to Lynette's standard. I hope. Irina sits down in another chair and apologizes to Lynette for throwing the borscht on her; she says that she wants them to be friends. Lynette looks up wide-eyed and sarcastically says, "Really?" "Think of how hard it is for Preston," says Irina, "caught in the middle between our fighting when he wants us to love each other only." At this, Lynette actually looks reflective, as if she can actually see a point in Irina's words. Too bad you can never trust a skank.

"I don't want to put Preston in the middle, but I am his mother and I will fight for his best interests 'til the day I die," says Lynette as she rises to her feet. "You mean you will fight me," corrects Irina. Lynette gives her a look that clearly reads, "no shit, Sherlock." Now Irina drops her bombshell: she convinced Preston to move the wedding up to next week. She says that it's too hard for Preston to choose between his mom and his girlfriend, so if she becomes his wife the choice will become much simpler. "No. No you can't do this," says Lynette, finally letting her desperation show. "You met each other six weeks ago, Preston barely knows you!" "But you do, yes?" says Irina, and I hate to admit she has a point. "You think you know all about me and in much less time than that." She kisses Lynette on both cheeks; Lynette looks completely confounded. "There," declares Irina, "from one Mrs. Scavo to another." Has Lynette finally been bested?

Bree sets a pile of yearbooks on her coffee table. The top one is emblazoned with the words "Mount Pleasant '80," which actually, shockingly, coincides with when Rex would have logically graduated from high school. Congratulations, DH Time Gods, for actually getting something right. Bree, of course, has dug these out for Sam to see. We learn some more random facts about Rex (he played football and was student body president) and then Bree gets reflective about all of Rex's great qualities (including that he was graceful. She leaves how how calm and wonderful his voice was). Apparently she's finally forgiven Rex for thinking she killed him. Sam notices that Bree's getting weepy and asks what wrong. "I just never get to talk about Rex any more," admits Bree. "Since I remarried it just doesn't seem appropriate." I would think that Orson would understand her talking about Rex for her kids' sakes at least. "I hadn't realized how much I miss him," says Bree. Sam says Bree can talk to him about Rex any time she wants to; "You have his smile," whispers Bree. I sincerely hope that's not true. Maybe he'll turn out to be Rex's long lost brother or something, although that's probably even more twisted.

It turns out that Orson has been eavesdropping on this entire scene and a moment later he wheels into the backyard where Andrew is sulking. Andrew tells Orson that he feels badly about the way he behaved at dinner. "Look, I know he's my brother. I know I should try to like him. But there's something about him I just don't trust," says Andrew astutely. Turns out, Orson feels similarly. "He's trying awfully hard to get close to Bree," Orson points out. "I, for one, would like to know why." Andrew: "You think he has an agenda?" Orson says that everyone does, but they don't know anything about Sam except what he tells them. Andrew decides then that his agenda should be to find out whatever he can about Sam. Orson wholeheartedly approves.

At school, Susan accosts MJ's poor teacher to ask how MJ is doing. She starts to talk about how MJ needs to improve in math, but Susan only cares about the results of the candy contest. It turns out that MJ has blown everyone away (Susan does a little victory dance), except for Juanita, who has sold two bars more than he. Susan can't live with this, so when she goes back to her classroom and hears from Juanita that Gaby is picking her up early to sell more chocolate, she goes into full crazy Susan mode. Distracting Juanita, Susan picks up her cell phone and slips it into Juanita's bag. Then she calls the phone and chastises Juanita for having a cell phone at school. Juanita denies that it's hers and when Susan asks whose else it would be, Juanita sasses, "Yours. My mom gave it to you for your birthday." HA! Outwitted by a seven-year-old! "So are you saying that you stole it?" asks Susan. "No!" shouts Juanita. And because she shouts, Susan assigns her three hours of detention. And now Susan has officially taken this too far.

Back on the lane, Gaby is just leaving her house when she gets a call from the principal about Juanita's detention. Upon learning that it came from Susan, Gaby shifts into revenge mode. Down the street she spots MJ making his way out of his house with a lot of chocolate. Why is MJ already home from school when Gaby is just leaving to get Juanita and she was supposed to be picked up early? Is Gaby just that bad about being on time?

Minutes later, Gaby slowly pulls up in her car alongside MJ. She entices him to get in the car with the promise of a drink and MJ foolishly agrees. He dumps all of his candy through the open passenger's side window and hops into the back seat. So...ridiculously...cute. Gaby locks the doors and MJ grows suspicious.

Back at school, Susan has Juanita washing her tables as part of her detention. She clearly feels a little bit bad about what she's done, but before she can, presumably, correct the mistake, Gaby calls. She tells Susan she has something that belongs to her and makes Susan check her cell phone; she's sent a picture of MJ in the back seat. Susan gasps, "He's supposed to be out selling!" Man, Susan...he's seven...why do you have him out selling candy alone? Gaby and Susan agree to trade back their children at the school.

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Juanita and Susan are both sitting at a table now. Susan looks defeated while Juanita looks positively heartbroken. "Your mom will be here soon," Susan says insensitively. "Don't worry. You'll be out selling your candy in no time." "I hope so," says Juanita glumly. "I gotta win." This is the final straw for Susan, who firmly tells Juanita that other kids need to win sometimes too. "I know," says Juanita. "I just want my mom to be proud of me." Finally, Susan realizes the little girl in front of her has a big problem, and she says consolingly, "Your mom is proud of you." Juanita bows her head and explains, "Sometimes I think she's embarrassed because I don't have any friends. Every day I come home and she asks, 'Did you make any friends today?'" Okay, I may have teared up a little. But seriously, that little girl has had a pretty crappy year and Gaby will not be winning mother of the year anytime soon.

"Oh, she just wants to make sure that you're happy, sweetie. That's all," says Susan. "I guess," agrees Juanita. "I just wish I made friends as easy as she does. I try and I try, but I just can't." Aw, honey, someone needs to tell you the story about how your mom became friends with the neighborhood girls. Just then Gaby arrives. She's still angry about the situation and she snaps at Susan and barks at Juanita to come on. Alone with MJ, Susan says, "I know you want to win, but let's talk about what winning really means." So in the end, Susan ends up doing something noble for once. Congrats, Susan.

Robin comes into her bedroom and finds her suitcases packed. Katherine stands by the window and hesitantly launches into a speech about how she can't live with the neighbors constantly watching and judging her. Katherine, I hate to break it to you, but no one gives a rat's ass about you. Have you seen the other problems these girls are having? "So you want me to leave?" realizes Robin. Yep, but it turns out that Katherine wants to go with her. I may have done a joyful dance when she said that. This may be an unpopular opinion, but I am as tired of Katherine as I was of Edie. Sometimes these secondary characters outlive their usefulness and if I'm truthful, my loyalty lies with the four main girls. They are the ones I care about. So Katherine and Robin run away to Paris together, hopefully, to never be seen again.

Back at school, the teacher announces that Juanita won the candy drive. Juanita is thrilled and everyone applauds. Gaby is there to celebrate and she instantly encourages Juanita to go invite her brand new friends to her party. Then she goes up to the teacher to ask how close the contest was. It's then that Gaby realizes that MJ didn't even try to sell on the final day of the contest. She goes over to MJ and tells him she's sorry he didn't win. "That's okay!" says MJ cheerfully. Gaby asks why he didn't sell any candy on the last day and MJ says his mom told him to keep it a secret, since it's only a good deed if he doesn't tell. Gaby looks over at Susan, who is chatting with some other adults in the hallway, and finally realizes what a good friend Susan is. I mean, seriously, Gaby would have NEVER done this for MJ. "Well you should listen to your mother," she says. "Because she's a winner. Just like you."

"There are a lot of ways to win in this world," Mary Alice says. Katherine and Robin pack up the car and we're told, "Some battles are won with a hasty retreat." Over in Bree's office, Andrew pulls out Sam's file and starts to leaf through it. "Some victories are claimed by those willing to cheat." How is Andrew cheating? And why would he start there? Anything in that file is something Bree has already been told by Sam. Whatever. Preston and Irina snuggle on the couch and Lynette offers them some cookies while Mary Alice says, "Some opponents are defeated with nothing more than a smile." Does that mean Lynette is done fighting? Just like that? I can't believe it. "Of course," Mary Alice continues, "for some it's not enough to win." Patrick lurks in a parked car, watching Danny cross the street. "Someone else has got to lose." Not your best narration, Mary Alice. Not even by a long shot.

That was a great episode. I'd rate it as a solid A this week and I'm so glad since this one has to last a month. Most of the plots finally felt like they were moving forward, there were a lot of funny lines and scenes, and some really touching moments. For the first time in a long time, I cared about the plots of all four main characters. I hope the rest of the season is as solid as this episode was. And I dearly hope that Lynette pops out this baby before she's been pregnant for a year.