DH recap: We All Deserve to Die

Season Six, Episode Nineteen: "We All Deserve to Die"

This episode begins with one of the great cliches of neighborhoods: borrowing a cup of sugar. Specifically, Lynette has asked Bree for one for some reason that is unknown and unimportant. The whole point is that Mary Alice can't stand not to have a theme. And here's this week's: good neighbors. Besides lending a cup of sugar, they also help you fix your car (Mike advising Nick), and find your lost pets (Parker returns MJ's turtle). You know, I swear Mary Alice did this same theme once last year. Oh yes. Here we go:





Well, well, well. The cat's out of the bag, Mary Alice. You've been slacking off. And you probably thought no one would catch on. I'm vaguely insulted that you so greatly underestimated my obsession. Still not changing your tune? Well then, by all means, continue to be repetitive!

"Good neighbors also come over at the slightest hint of trouble," Mary Alice goes on to say. The shot shifts to look through Bob and Lee's window; the pair is fighting vociferously and outside Gaby eavesdrops. Somehow I don't think that's what Mary Alice meant.

The fight ends when Lee walks away and Bob comes out to get the paper. He spots Gaby and quickly realizes that she was listening in. "God, it's like you see into my soul and yet you don't judge!" says Gaby, which I don't necessarily agree with because Bob seemed pretty annoyed. She follows him back inside and begs to know what the fight was about; for some reason Bob indulges her. "Our egg donor backed out," he says. "And the surrogate we hired will back out if the procedure isn't done in the next month." Lee pops out from the kitchen as Gaby asks if they can find another egg donor. "We could, if Lee wasn't so picky," Bob says, emphasizing the blame on Lee, who finally comes in the room. He's pissed off that Bob is spilling their secrets to Gaby, but admits that he is picky. "We spent two years to choosing a mattress. I'm not just going to get our child's DNA out of the yellow pages," he explains in typical Lee fashion. His and Bob's fight begins all over again, until finally Gaby can't take it any more, blurting out, "Why not take mine?" Oh this so won't end well.

Bob and Lee look incredulous at Gaby's offer, even as she explains that she has plenty of eggs and that she hates to see them so unhappy. At this point, Mary Alice takes over: "Good neighbors. They're people who try to help others." Bob and Lee embrace Gaby, delirious with gratitude. "Bad neighbors," Mary Alice continues, "are people who make promises they can't possibly keep."

Wee little credits. Has anyone else noticed that Brenda Strong does a voice-over in some commercial now? Every time I hear her voice I think of Mary Alice branching out into advertising from beyond the grave. Maybe that's why she doesn't have time to come up with new and interesting things to say.

Close up on a paper with a big picture of a girl I don't believe has ever been previously seen. The headline reads: "Teen Still Missing." Profound. "The morning paper said a young girl was missing," says Mary Alice as Tom, bathrobe clad and drinking coffee, picks up the paper. "It quoted her family who said she had vanished on her way to work." Cut to Bree entering her home while reading the paper (not the front page, where the story is, but the back page; continued on another page or Bree's complete disinterest? Your call). "It quoted her friends who said she wasn't the type to run away from home." Next the shot goes to Angie, who is eating breakfast while reading another page of the paper. I'm beginning to think Mary Alice is the only one who cares about this. "It quoted the police who said they had very little evidence to go on." Finally we go to Carlos, who is leaving his house and appears to be perusing the same part of the paper that Angie was. The other headline, by the way, is "Mathletes in Action Statewide." Heh. "Sadly, people didn't pay much attention to this bit of news." Ah, see, I knew it! Carlos tosses his paper in the recycling. If he's on his way to work already then Tom better get a move on. Finally the series ends with a pair of mysterious hands that are scrapbooking the article. It's right next to one on Julie's strangling from months and months ago. "No one thinks about evil until it shows up on their doorstep. Which it soon would." Totally already did, Mary Alice. Remember? Back when people cared about this plot? This arc should have climaxed in December instead of having that lame plane crash. Karl could have confronted the killer and still died, but nobly instead of super lamely and for no good reason.

Finally this episode starts to go somewhere, although I'm not sure it's anywhere good. Susan stands in her kitchen actually cooking...something...when she notices a strange man lurking around Mike's truck. He begins to jimmy the lock. "Oh my God, thief!" cries Susan, dumping her mystery breakfast and running outside with the frying pan. Immediately she begins to threaten the man, but he is completely calm and just assures her that he's only repossessing the truck. "Do I look stupid to you?" Susan asks--which, she's in weird matching pjs that my friend thought was a jumpsuit because they truly are skin-tight and look like a one piece and her boobs are popping out and she's wielding that frying pan, plus her face STILL isn't moving and it kind of looks bloated, so...I don't know, Susan. Loaded question. She starts screaming, "Fire! Fire!" "What the hell are you doing?" asks the man, and Susan explains that people come quicker when you yell fire. Especially to Susan's, where there have been two fires already and that intense barbecuing incident. Actually backing up Susan's claim, Tom and Angie run over to see what's wrong and she orders them to call 911 just as Mike comes outside. "What's going on?" he asks.

"This thief," Susan yells, "is trying to steal your truck!" Realizing that Mike owns the truck, the man asks, "Hey, are you the guy who's four months behind on his payments?" Mike reluctantly admits it and Susan turns to him in disbelief. Before she can comment or apologize or tell Tom and Angie not to call 911, Lee comes running down the street in a bathrobe, hair wrapped in a towel, brandishing a fire extinguisher. "Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!" he screams as he runs. Hehehe.

Back inside, Susan demands to know why Mike didn't tell her he was having money problems. But, he kind of did. "I was hoping business would pick up before anybody found out," he says. He sounds like he has a cold. There's some beeping outside and through the window a fire truck pulls away. Man, Tom and/or Angie move fast. "But I guess that's no longer an option." Oh, shut up, Mike. Susan reminds Mike that she offered to help (and I said it before and I'll say it again, why is their debt/money separated to being with?) and that she has both a steady paycheck and the strip club money. Mike refuses to take her money or her ex-husband's. Mike is a tool. "Are we done here?" he demands. "Sure," says Susan. "As long as you can explain how you're going to run a plumbing business without a truck." "I don't know. I'll figure it out!" snaps Mike; he walks away.

Bree and Sam walk into the test kitchen carrying a lot of papers and discussing the cover of Bree's new cookbook. It involves Bree in an evening gown, sitting on a bale of hay and ringing a dinner bell. Bree, if you can believe it, loves this idea. Andrew looks at them skeptically as they enter and calls them the dynamic duo. Heh. I love that phrase. He asks them how their business meeting went and Bree raves about how much the publisher loved the idea of a southern themed cookbook. Sam pitches the hook, which is long and wordy and of which I'm sure neither Scavo would approve, and Andrew lies that it's catchy. "I guess you know all about marketing, having an MBA and all," Andrew says, obviously spinning a web. Sam agrees and Andrew lowers the boon--Sam doesn't have an MBA. Dun dun dun! He couldn't come up with better dirt than this? Sam admits that it's true and goes on to tell a sob story about how he had to drop out during his final semester to take care of his dying mother. Boo hoo. Bree is touched; Andrew is ashamed. "The university let me graduate with my class. I should finish my coursework next month," Sam goes on to explain. Well that sounds like a load of crap. How long ago was this anyway? Sam apologizes for misrepresenting himself to Bree, but of course she's only sympathetic. Bree is just one horrible judge of character, isn't she?

You know who's not a bad judge of character? That's right: Lynette. She's in a bridal shop, half-asleep, listening to Irina and a saleswoman argue in Russian over a wedding dress. "This woman is incompetent. Why you bring me here?" demands Irina, rude as usual. "Hey, you're the one who had to come to a Russian bridal shop," says Lynette. Really? How long did it take to find something that specific in Fairview? As she returns to the fitting room, Irina declares that it was a mistake, but Lynette, always an optimist points out, "Look how much fun you're having chewing people out in your native tongue." Heh. Lynette goes over to the saleswoman and quietly apologizes to her for Irina's behavior. The second the saleswoman expresses some sympathy, Lynette launches into her recap of her dread of the upcoming nuptials. I feel bad for Lynette and I understand her need to vent, but we've heard this same speech too many times in the past couple episodes and this won't be the last time tonight either. If you don't have something new to say, writers, then you need to move on. The saleswoman offers to poke Irina with the pins while she's fitting her if that will make Lynette feel better. Unsurprisingly, the offer does help.

Irina's phone starts to ring, but when Lynette offers it to her, Irina simply orders her to tell Preston she'll be home soon. But it turns out it's not Preston, but a mysterious man screaming in Russian. Lynette hands the phone over to Irina, who yells a lot very quickly in Russian and then hangs up. She says it was a wrong number, but Lynette points out that the caller asked for her by name. "If I wanted you to know, I would say it in English," snaps Irina. Okay...except the guy was speaking Russian, so your comeback doesn't exactly fly, sweetie. Too bad for Irina, the saleswoman can say it in English and she's more than willing to rat out Irina.

John Barrowman, aka Patrick, sits in The Coffee Cup with a laptop and he appears to be in deep thought. Really, he's being tricky. Because what else would you expect from the Face of Boe? Danny brings him some coffee and asks if he needs anything else; "Inspiration," he says. Clever as usual, Danny says all they have are muffins. Ask me again how much I'm going to miss the Bolens after this season. Go ahead. I dare you.

Patrick tells Danny he's working on a novel and when Danny asks what it's about, Patrick recaps his and Angie's whole life together. Including the baby snatching. What's amazing is that it looks like he's actually typed the text out as though he's really making this into a novel. Now that's thorough. Patrick explains that he's stuck at the part where the man tracks down his woman and long lost child; he wants to know what Danny thinks would happen next. "Seems to me the guy would kill her!" exclaims Danny, as if this is some brilliant insight. God I hate this kid. Patrick, of course, agrees. Good. Kill her. Kill them all. That's why I love you, John Barrowman.

Commercials.

The show returns in the Solis' living room where Carlos tells Gaby "no." Three guesses what he's denying her. Oh, you didn't even need a guess, did you? Gaby: "No?" Carlos: "You asked my permission to be an egg donor and I said no." Gaby informs Carlos that she wasn't actually asking his permission, just telling him what's up. How considerate of her to keep him in the loop. This isn't going to fly with Carlos, of course, who tells Gaby that her eggs are half his since he's her husband. "I own fifty percent of whatever comes out of that uterus." Hee! Also, not true if it's not your sperm going in. But nice try, Carlos. Gaby tries to turn this around to make it seem like Carlos is being possessive. Instead of making a logical argument, Carlos points out that he pays for Gaby's clothes, massages and one day will pay for her implants, so he is a major stockholder in her body.

"You can't stop me!" protests Gaby, like the child she is. "I can do whatever I want with my eggs." "And I can do whatever I want with the credit cards I pay for," says Carlos. Dear God, Carlos. How many times are you going to threaten to cut Gaby off financially before you realize it doesn't work? Please, enlighten me. No one takes that threat even slightly seriously now, even Gaby, who says that she doesn't care because she's trying to do something noble. Carlos realizes she hid the credit cards. Heh. Finally being a rational human being, Carlos asks her, as her husband, to not give Bob and Lee her eggs. "It will be too weird having your DNA live next door," he says. Boy if that isn't the truth. I'd like to see them explain that one to the girls. Gaby still doesn't care, though, and insists she's going through with it.

Lynette is in a government office talking to a man about Irina. Apparently Irina told the guy on the phone to go ahead and call the police because he'd never find her. Lynette thinks this, along with Irina being a foreigner, should be enough to deport her. Well that's rather naive; Lynette must truly be desperate this time. The man points out that the information isn't enough to go on, so Lynette begs him to at least interrogate Irina. "Look, Mrs. Scavo, we are a government agency. We can't investigate your future daughter-in-law just because you don't think she's good enough for your son," the man says. It's at this point that Lynette notices his desk is littered with pictures of him and his dog and she comes to the realization that he's childless. Now knowing she'll get nowhere, Lynette walks away sulkily.

Lucky for her, she happens to pass a woman with a picture of a couple and a child on her desk and she backtracks to speak to her. "Is that your daughter-in-law?" she asks the woman, who confirms that she is. Eyes all lit up, Lynette goes in for the kill: "You two get along?" The woman says, "Don't get me started," and Lynette realizes she's found her savior.

Over at the Delfinos, MJ is standing at the sink shoveling mud down the drain when Susan comes downstairs and asks him what he's doing. "Clogging the sink," he says matter-of-factly. "Daddy needs work." Try popsicle sticks, kid. Susan puts a stop to it, even though she's touched by MJ's thoughtfulness. She explains that Mike only gets paid when other people have plumbing problems and MJ says, "So I should do this to somebody else's sink?" Susan attempts to smile and corrects him, but at the same time those rusty old cogs start turning in her head. Oh Susan, do you really think following a seven-year-old's lead will help?

Cut to Bree's, where Susan hands her a wad of cash and asks to clog her drain. This continues at Lynette's, where Susan destroys her toilet; Angie's, where Susan ruins the garbage disposal; and Gaby's, where Susan literally takes a page from MJ's book and fills the bathtub with dirt. I'd mock this plan more, but A) this is actually one of Susan's better ideas and B) Mike is a douche. And douches deserved to be treated like the morons they are.

Later, Bree is on the phone in her office, reassuring her publisher that everyone will love the idea for the new cookbook after they sample her food. Well, well, well...looks like someone was lying to Andrew. Sam slips in behind her and when Bree hangs up, he asks what's going on. Bree explains that the sales team thinks that southern cookbooks are overdone, so she's going to have a dinner to convince them otherwise. Sam is pleased, but he's there to get down to his real business: destroying Andrew. "I think I know why Andrew tried to discredit me yesterday," he says in his most robo-like manner. "He knew you had me auditing the books and he knew what I was gonna find."

Cut to Bree confronting Andrew. Apparently Andrew charged people for extra alcohol they never received, then took home the extra beverages for a party he had. Oh show. Why do you expect me to believe Andrew is so incompetent and dumb when you never once hinted at it before? For every funny scene or fantastic moment in this episode, you do something kind of lazy to discredit it and that worries me deeply. I don't want you to find yourself cascading down a slippery slope into certain doom, so please, please, get back on the ball. I'm begging you. Even if it takes until next season, I will forgive you, so long as I see the effort. Thank you.

Anyway, Andrew confirms this rather nonchalantly and Bree is horrified. She begins to ream him out, but Andrew changes the subject to Sam. "Can't you see the type of person he is?" asks Andrew. Bree snaps that Sam is the type to take care of his dying mother; Andrew is the type to steal. Rather calmly, Andrew announces that he isn't going to listen to this and leaves. Bree follows him and demands he not walk away. "Can't you see how he's manipulating you?" demands Andrew. "How stupid can you be?" Kind of rude, but Bree totally deserves it. "Apparently I'm stupid enough to have trusted you!" she retorts. Low blow. Finally losing his cool, Andrew tells Bree she might as well fire him. "Don't push me," warns Bree. And, because Andrew is awesome and always, always, always pushes, he pokes Bree on the shoulder with one finger. It is an amazing little gesture. Bree can't abide this (who would expect her to), so she fires Andrew. Above him, Andrew spots Sam grinning triumphantly. Damn, bested by a robot. Too bad, Andrew.

Commercials.

Lynette pulls into her driveway and parks the car, talking to Tom on her phone at the same time. She asks him if Irina and Preston said when they'd be back from the mall. The shot cuts to Tom, who is in the passenger's seat while Parker drives. "Stop!" he yells, and Parker slams on the breaks. Hee! I love this scene already. Lynette: "Stop what?" Tom, who is looking like he saw his life pass before his eyes, says, "Not you. I'm teaching Parker to drive." He pats Parker's shoulders and he starts driving again. Back to Lynette, who gets out of her car, grinning. "Okay. I'm planning to steal Irina's passport number," she says, rather giddily. Man, I always love Lynette when she puts a crazy plan into motion. Tom maybe not so much, because when the shot cuts back to him, he seems rather concerned. "Oh God," he says, "what are you up to now?"

Lynette explains that her new friend at immigration convinced someone at the Russian embassy to do a background check on Irina for her. Tom: "Lynette, this is getting out of hand." Well, Lynette is like a dog with a bone, and Tom, more than anyone, should know that by now. Not that he doesn't have a point. "That woman is hiding something," says Lynette, "and I am taking her down!" Tom can only sigh.

The camera cuts to Parker's room, which Irina has been occupying, where Lynette paws through the dresser. She finds Irina's passport buried under a pile of underwear and scurries over to the desk so she can write down the number. Unfortunately, at that moment she hears Preston and Irina on the stairs and she hurries to put everything back. Then, in a brilliant like mother, like son moment, Lynette has no choice but to hide in the closet when she hears the couple approach. Too bad for her the closet is full of crap, so the best she can manage is to hide behind the open closet door just as Preston and Irina enter.

Preston, somewhat admirably, says that they shouldn't be in the room with the door closed since his mother doesn't like it, but easily gives in when Irina declares Lynette an old prude and starts to make out with him. Poor Lynette is forced to watch as Irina tackles Preston to the bed. Desperate, she pulls out her phone and texts Tom.

Back in the car, Tom gets the text and Parker asks who it's from. "Your mom," says Tom, who then begins to read aloud. "'Get home now. Trapped behind the closet door. Preston and Irina are about to--" Tom's eyes widen and he demands that Parker pull over so he can drive; he has to get home fast. "I can go fast," says Parker. He speeds off. Hee!

In the bedroom, Irina straddles Preston in nothing but her bra, trying to tug off his shirt while he still makes futile arguments. Lynette literally grimaces in disgust as Irina declares that doing it while Lynette is home will "make it fun." Blech. Suddenly she spots a baseball sitting on the dresser next to her. She picks it up and hurls it at the window; the couple doesn't even notice her because they're too busy making out. Outside, Tom and Parker are just getting out of the car as the baseball bounces off of the hood, nearly smacking Tom in the head. Guess they'll be paying for a window and a dent. Preston and Irina rush to the window--although my inclination would probably be to look for what came through the window into the room, since that would be assumption of what happened, right?--and Lynette sneaks out. That scene alone gets an A+. Glad to see this episode isn't completely off.

Over at the test kitchen, Bree is trying out a recipe for her dinner that involves a splash of sherry, so she can't sample it. Sam does instead and tells her it's amazing. For some reason, Sam uses this as a segue into how she had to fire Andrew; I would think he'd let sleeping dogs lie, but whatever. I'll just go with it. Anyway, Bree's response to this is: "I've done worse things to Andrew." Does that make it okay? "We have a very complicated relationship," she continues. "You'll see that the longer you're at the company." Sam doesn't understand; he figured that because Andrew was fired everything was kaput. Yes, because getting Andrew fired would cut him from Bree's life completely. Stupid robot. Bree mentions that she and Andrew have a habit of fighting, pushing one another away and then coming back together. She fully intends to rehire him at some point. I fully intended to go into another rant about this, but I've said everything there is to say too many times now. I'm beginning to be as repetitive as Lynette, so I'll just move on. This scene ends with Sam's plotting eyes.

Night. Delfino bedroom. Susan is in a negligee that is boobtastic. Seriously, did Teri Hatcher demand to be naked more than the other girls this season? It's getting as ridiculous as Eva Longoria's near constant state of half-dress in season one. Mike enters the room and comments on how funny it is that he's had so much work on the Lane this week. "Well that's good, right?" asks Susan, not picking up on Mike's not-so-subtle suspicions. "Especially since you don't have your truck." Mike agrees that it's good and then pulls out an earring that Susan lost in Gaby's bathtub drain. D'oh. He awaits an explanation and this is what he gets: "Oh, of course. Gaby and I went jogging and uh, then I hugged her. So my earring probably got caught in her sports bra and when she went to take a bath...Hey, do you want to have sex?" Oh Susan.

Mike recaps all of the locations Susan messed with to get him work while Susan keeps trying to convince him to have sex with her. Look at his face, Susan; the distraction won't work. Even with your boobs practically falling out. Mike says that he has to return all the money, so Susan reluctantly admits that she paid off her friends. "You're saying everyone on the street knows I'm having financial trouble," says Mike. No, stupid, everyone on the street knows your a douche and thanks their lucky stars that Susan is the one stuck married to you. Jesus, man, even Carlos let Gaby know when they were in financial trouble and their whole schtick is money. Susan points out that they probably figured it out when the truck was repossessed (something she also brought attention to, by the way, though Mike doesn't point this out).

Mike says he's humiliated and Susan apologizes. But she also rightly mentions that the whole fiasco could have been avoided if he just accepted her money in the first place. And she's right. She's right, Mike. SUSAN is right. That's how much of a douche you are. "This is my business; my problem," says Mike. Susan: "You know, I don't remember all those 'mys' in our wedding vows. It's supposed to be a partnership. If you can't let me help you maybe there's something wrong with our marriage." Mike just shakes his head the entire time like Susan's an idiot (which, for once, she isn't), then grabs his pillow and says he's sleeping on the couch. I hope he throws out his back.

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Presumably the same night, Angie returns home with her dry cleaning to an empty house. From upstairs she hears a thud and she anxiously calls for Danny, thinking maybe he's home. When he doesn't answer, she grabs a vase to use as a weapon and sneaks upstairs. The music gets more and more intense, but instead of John Barrowman popping out to kill her, the phone just rings. Damn. It's Nick, who Angie declares scared her. Uh, what now? Nick is on the phone. Which means he didn't make the thumping sound. So he couldn't have scared you. So illogical. Just die already, Angie. The shot shifts so outside the door we can see Patrick lurking. Ooh. Scary.

The next day, Gaby is over at Bob and Lee's where they propose a toast to her. How sweet. How can they not see that this is going to go so wrong. "Okay," says Gaby, "let's talk babies. So, what are you guys hoping for: a boy or a girl?" The guys say they want a girl so they can enter her in baby beauty pageants. And yes, they're serious. Oh course, it could be a boy, in which case Lee says there will be "make-up and rhinestone vests." Gaby looks properly horrified until Bob points out he's kidding. "Oh he better be," she says. "There's no way I'm allowing that." The guys share an uneasy look.

"Now that I think about it," Gaby goes on, "I do hope we have a boy." She's tired of having girls and only being able to buy them dresses; she wants a boy to take on a shopping spree. Bob tactfully mentions that she can do that when they come back to visit; he and Lee are going to move to New York so the baby can be near its grandmother. Then why did you make that awesome nursery? "It just never occurred to me that you guys would leave and take my only son," says Gaby, completely delusional. As my sister pointed out, if Gaby wants another baby so badly, why doesn't she have another one with Carlos. I'm not sure if that can be taken as a sign of trouble in their marriage or just further proof of Gaby's complete laziness as a mother that she wants another kid without having to raise it herself. Maybe both.

"Gaby," says Bob slowly, "this child, it will have your genes, but it won't be yours. You get that, right?" Apparently this fact has only just dawned on Gaby, but she lies and says she understood that. All three of them laugh nervously.

A little while later, Gaby returns home to find Carlos playing cards with the girls. She watches Celia and Juanita with teary eyes and Juanita asks what's wrong. "Well I was just thinking about what it would be like if I couldn't see your face every day and it made me sad," explains Gaby. Carlos picks up that Gaby's truly upset and asks what's going on.

Cut to a fancy dining room where Bree's cookbook sample dinner is about to begin. She enters the room with her publisher, Bruce, and I do a little dance to celebrate the continuity. It's the same delightful fellow who harangued Orson last year while the Scavos tore each other apart at that awkward job interview dinner. Oh do I love that episode. Bruce is so nervous that he tries to convince Bree to drink; "I really put my neck on the line for this book, Bree. No one likes the idea. No one," says Bruce. Heh. Suck on that, Bree and Sam. Bree says that everyone will love the food and Bruce said they better or Bree won't be able to publish another book of any kind. That seems kind of extreme.

Distraught and nervous, Bree enters the kitchen and tells everyone to hop to it. Unfortunately, Sam just discovered that instead of dousing the ribs with cooking sherry, they were actually covered in vinegar. Disaster! Bree samples the food and realizes that it's all ruined and her panic becomes complete. She tries to stop the waiter from serving the food, but most of it has already been taken out; immediately she demands that they get the plates back and the waiter hurries off. At this point, Bree attempts to figure out what happened after she locked up the sherry the night before. Sam smoothly asks if she gave Andrew's keys to anyone else and Bree says that Andrew never returned them. "Oh Bree," says Sam, as though Bree is a naive fool. Well, she is for believing this.

The waiter returns and announces that they can't get the plates back. After Bruce gives a speech everyone will dig right in. With no other choice, Bree sets off the sprinkler system with a torch and all the people are forced to vacate. "We're serving cobbler in the parking lot!" Bree screams to the dining room as everyone runs out. Wow. The fire department is really wasting their time in this episode.

Commercials.

At home that night, Bree sits sadly in her kitchen; not even Orson's homemade hot cocoa can cheer her up. "My son tried to ruin my career tonight," she says glumly. "I don't think I'll ever smile again." Orson admits that he thinks that Andrew had nothing to do with it; Bree can't quite believe this. Logically, Orson runs through the amount of planning that went into the sabotage and declares that Andrew wouldn't be clever enough to come up with it. Since when is Andrew not clever? Remember when he tricked Bree's boyfriend into sleeping with him? "Well then who do you think did it?" asks Bree. Well Sam, of course. Bree can't believe it; why would Sam want to hurt her? Orson points out that Bree isn't the one hurt; Andrew is. "No, that's not possible," says Bree. "What would he stand to gain?" Orson: "Hmm. That's a good question. Enjoy your hot chocolate." A spark of understanding finally graces Bree's face. It's about damn time, woman.

Cut to the Delfinos' garage. Mike stands and delivers the following soliloquy to someone off-camera: "Every once in awhile I catch Susan looking at me this certain way. You know, I'm putting on my shirt or mowing the lawn and I'll turn my head and I'll catch her with this look in her eyes. And I know she's thinking that she's lucky to have me. So how can I tell her I'm dead broke? How can I say, 'I can't take your money because it won't begin to cover the debts I've been racking up for the last year.'? She thinks it's a couple truck payments. She's got no idea. This would really hurt her. If she found out I kept this from her, I don't think I'd ever see that look from her again. And I can't let that happen." Finally the angle changes so it's revealed that Mike is talking to Carlos, who asks Mike how much he needs. My mom wondered if Mike has a gambling problem now. It would make sense that Carlos is sympathetic if that's the case; after all, his mom had a gambling problem too.

Back to The Coffee Cup, unfortunately. Danny is working again when Patrick returns. They get back on the topic of the book and Patrick mentions that he couldn't kill off the woman. Damn. Double damn. He doesn't think it's a harsh enough punishment for her crime. He says that the best revenge would be to take something from her: the kid. Good. Kidnap a nineteen-year-old. Who cares anymore at this point? Just get rid of the damn Bolens. John Barrowman may stay. Ooh, and maybe bring back crazy Dave and make them the new gay couple of the Lane. They could be the mentally insane version of Bob and Lee. Awesome.

Speaking of Bob and Lee, Gaby comes over to their place to find Bob drinking alone on the porch. "So I guess Carlos talked to you guys," says Gaby. Seriously, Gaby? Man, I always thought the girl had gumption if nothing else; that's just pathetic. How has this show managed to make me like Susan more than Gabrielle this season? That just doesn't seem possible and yet, here we are. "I feel awful," Gaby continues. "The more he thought about it the more he just couldn't let me do this. And let's face it, he does have a say." Ugh. Bob says he understands, but he still looks brokenhearted. It turns out that this is not only because of the baby, but also because he and Lee broke up. "Lee says he can't go through it again," says Bob. "I'm determined to have a child, so..." Gaby asks if there's anything she can do and Bob gives her a look that says that Gaby's done enough already. Finally realizing that she's had a big hand in destroying one of the most beloved couples of Wisteria Lane, Gaby leaves.

So if you aren't teary-eyed already, this next set of scenes will do it for you. Over at the Scavos, the family is getting dressed for Preston's wedding. Preston runs downstairs and declares that his left shoe is missing. His friend, Eddie (who was really more Danny's friend all season, but whatever--also, where is Porter?) is with him. Tom tells Preston they'll find the shoe and to finish getting ready. Preston runs back upstairs while Eddie suggests that he wear sneakers; Tom gives him a look and he runs upstairs to help Preston look for his shoe. Tom calls for Lynette, but can't find her in the house so he goes outside. She's sitting on the porch and she looks like her world has completely fallen apart.

"What are you doing?" asks Tom, coming over to her. "I need your help. Preston can't find his shoe." Lynette: "I put it in the oven." I have never loved Lynette as much as I do at this moment. That's just too perfect--absurd and sad and desperate and loving all at the same time. And so Lynette. Tom asks why she did it and Lynette says the woman from immigration never got back to her so she's screwed. "Oh honey," says Tom, sitting down next to her. "Come on. Hiding a shoe isn't going to stop them from getting married. "I know. I just wanted a few more minutes before I had to tell my son I'm not going to his wedding," explains Lynette. Wow, that's rough. My mom and aunt were young when my uncle got married and my grandmother refused to go to the wedding since it wasn't a Catholic ceremony, so they weren't allowed to go either. They all ended up regretting it, but it was too late to change anything. That's a tragic situation. Tom points out that if Lynette doesn't go then Irina is going to have even more power. "Oh I wish," says Lynette, taking Tom's hand and fighting tears. "I wish I went to church more often. I could really use a favor from the man upstairs right about now." As if on cue, the woman from immigration pulls up across the street and gets out of her car with a file folder on Irina. Eagerly, Lynette raises her eyes and says, "I'll see you Sunday morning," as she rushes off to get the folder. Tom can do nothing but look skyward incredulously.

Upstairs, Irina is examining herself in Parker's tiny mirror. Her wedding dress is meh. I guess that's what happens when you scramble to buy one in a week's time. Lynette bursts into the room and says that Irina looks beautiful; "I'm guessing this one's much nicer than your first wedding dress," she adds. She has that old confidence back in her voice; this is a Lynette who knows she's won. Turns out that Irina was married in Russia to a guy named Alexi Kosokov who she never divorced. Irina tells Lynette a sob story about how Alexi was a lazy bum who treated her badly, but Lynette doesn't care. Because Irina also cleaned out the bank account of an Italian man who pressed charges against her. Still calm and full of excuses, Irina declares that the Italian was a pig and she earned every penny. "We have a term in America for women who get paid for sex," says Lynette, "and it's not daughter-in-law." Irina doesn't care; she says that Lynette can go ahead and tell Preston everything, she'll just explain it away and he'll believe it all because he always does. Lynette's eyes flicker to the doorway and as Irina turns, so does the camera; standing there is Preston, who has heard every word. The poor kid looks like he's about to burst into tears and he asks Lynette to leave. Also about to cry, Lynette heads toward the door, pausing only for a moment when Preston takes the file folder from her hands.

Commercials.

That night, Preston sits at his desk staring at nothing when Lynette enters his room. "Hey," she says, shutting the door. "Your father told me you called off the wedding. Obviously I think you are doing the right thing." Preston doesn't respond and Lynette starts to cry before continuing. "I know you hate me right now and I just want you to know that I am okay with that." She turns to leave, then doubles back, adding, "I love you so much I would rather have you resent me or even cut me off completely than to allow you to make a mistake that could ruin your life. So go ahead...hate me for as long as you want and when you are done I will be here waiting." By this point, Preston is fighting tears too; he looks surprisingly similar to Tom in this scene. Lynette goes over and kisses the top of his head, and as she rushes out the door she quickly says, "Try not to take to long because I miss you already." Absolutely heart-wrenching.

Out on the darkened street, Irina makes her way down the Lane with her suitcase in tow. Suddenly Eddie pulls up next to her and asks where she's going. Irina says she's going to a motel until she catches a flight out. "The Scavos couldn't even give you a lift? That's harsh," says Eddie. I disagree, but I'm not trying to get in Irina's pants, so I'll let it slide. Irina says she wants nothing from them because they're dead to her, so Eddie offers her a lift.

As they're driving down the street, Eddie tries to make small talk, saying things like it's Preston's loss, etc. Irina doesn't want to talk about it, but Eddie continues to push because he wants to bang Irina. He basically offers to let her use him for money, but Irina turns him down, calling him a "greasy-haired little boy." She laughs stupidly, not realizing that Eddie's eyes have gone crazy. He pulls over the car and promptly chokes the life out of Irina. Good riddance.

While Eddie's digging Irina a roadside grave, Mary Alice pops back in. "We all know that evil exists." Cut to the Lane the next day as a paper boy coasts down the street. "The newspapers are filled with stories about young girls who suddenly vanish." Susan comes outside to pick up her paper as Mike drives away in the truck he got back with Carlos' money. "But we don't pay attention because we're worried about our marriages." Gaby steps out onto her porch and looks down the street where Bob is watering his lawn. "Concerned about our friendships." Bree enters the test kitchen and gapes at Sam. "Anxious about our employees." Finally we wind up at the Scavos', where a much more cheerful Lynette steps onto her porch. Eddie pulls up in his car to pick Porter up for school and Lynette invites him into the house. "Yes," Mary Alice sums up, "we don't pay attention to evil because we think it will never come to our house. But it does. And sometimes we let it in."

Well, overall I think I'd give this episode an A-. I greatly enjoyed it on my initial viewing, but doing this recap revealed that the second half of the episode was much stronger than the first half. I liked the stories this week, but the writing was a little repetitive in some areas. Still, it was a pretty good outing and I'm feeling generous since the show made me cry. Shows are always better when they tug at your emotions, I think. Here's hoping next week exceeds my expectations.