DH recap: The Glamorous Life

Season Six, Episode Fourteen: "The Glamorous Life"

The camera pans up a wheelchair to reveal Orson looking out of his living room window with a serene expression. As the camera turns to reveal Bree staring at her husband, Mary Alice explains that since Orson started to smile again, Bree has become worried. Cut to Bree driving away in her car, still with the same worried expression, as Mary Alice adds that Bree has become accustomed to Orson's mood swings. Ooh, let's put him and Lynette together in a room and watch the hilarity.

As Mary Alice is always prone to do, she uses her previous statement to show a series of flashbacks proving her point: Orson throws something across the room (unexpected rage); Orson wipes his tear-strewn face with a tissue (sudden anguish); Orson sits glumly staring off into space (his deep depression). Cue Bree returning home carrying recyclable shopping bags as Mary Alice explains that the reason Bree worries is due to Orson's new-found tranquility. "Sadly" Mary Alice informs us, "she was right [to worry]."

Inside of the house, Bree finds Carlos, Mike and Roy in the living room with Orson and what looks to be most of Orson's personal belongings. Mike examines a camera and Carlos rocks some big earphones while reading a book; Roy is in the background looking at a pair of shoes. The living room basically resembles a rummage sale without the price tags. "Um, what's going on here?" asks Bree. The way that she asks this makes it seem like she has an inkling that she's not quite willing to indulge. Orson cheerfully informs Bree that he's giving away some things he no longer needs. Roy asks Orson if he has the shoes he's examining in an eight and a half and Orson jokes that he only has men's sizes.

Tiptoeing into this minefield, Bree acquiesces that while she can understand giving away his sporting equipment, she doesn't understand why Orson would bequeath his other belongings. "For God sakes, you can still use your headphones," she says, although not in her usual bitchy-Bree tone, but more of an inquiring, worried tone. Carlos doesn't pick up on this, simply giving her a thumbs up and saying too loudly, "These are amazing!" Losing her cool, Bree snatches the headphones off of Carlos' head and demands to know what's wrong with the neighborhood men. I could make the obvious joke here, but I won't.

The guys try to defend themselves by telling her that Orson was in a great mood and that they assumed she and Orson discussed giving away his stuff. Of course Bree is quick to say that they didn't and accuses them of being vultures. "It's a good thing I came home," she says, "or you'd be picking through his closet." Hilariously, as she says this, Tom comes down the stairs sporting a tuxedo and as soon as he hears Bree, he turns around and heads back up before she can spot him. This is the second best sight gag of the episode. The guys excuse themselves, abandoning poor Tom (heaven help him when Bree undoubtedly finds him later) and Bree gives Orson a questioning look. "What has gotten into you?" she asks. Orson apologizes and tells Bree that she can do whatever she likes with his belongings because he doesn't care. At this point, Mary Alice butts back in to explain that Bree would soon find out why Orson is smiling again (but being omniscient, let's us know now): "Because her husband had decided to kill himself."

Credits.

As always, the show returns with Mary Alice to sum up her theme of the week; this one includes metaphor: "In this never-ending drama we call life, everyone has a part to play." Now, prepare to laugh hysterically, because the next shot is of Danny and Ana walking down the street as Mary Alice says, "Some are cast as romantic leads." In what world would anyone ever consider those two snores to be romantic leads? I remember reading a false spoiler awhile back that said that the show planned to hook up Porter and Ana. At the time, the Solises and the Scavos were still feuding, and while a little cliche, that pairing still would have been more interesting than that of the vampire-boy-wannabe and the poor man's teen Gaby. Anyway...

"Others end up playing the victim." Cue a little boy running by and pulling Celia's hair as she draws on the sidewalk. She immediately begins to wail in a way fondly reminiscent of my melodramatic cousins when they were kids. "And a few provide comic relief." This time Mary Alice shows Tom running out of his house and losing his grip on an armful of papers and his briefcase; they all tumble to the ground and he looks exasperated. "But if the drama is to be really compelling there must be a hero and a villain." Camera angles show that the hero will be Angie and the villain will be this anonymous neighbor who has never been seen before. I'll call her Frau since she played Frau Farbissina in Austin Powers.

Frau is taking out her garbage when Angie walks up to her. At first I think that Angie has tassels on her jeans, but then I realize that she has just tucked the ends of her wrap sweater through her belt loops. Now that is a fashion statement. She greets Frau sweetly, but Frau looks annoyed and calls her the garbage police. To prove that she deserves this nickname, Angie points out that Frau still isn't separating her recycling despite the fact that the city passed an ordinance. This scene is played from Angie's point of view like she's helping a doddering old lady; Frau, on the other hand, is bitchy and seems perfectly capable of separating her cans if she wants to. Basically she tells off Angie and says that she doesn't give a crap about the planet. I would get more specific, but unlike Mary Alice I don't find this to be compelling in any sense of the word.

Back at home, Angie walks through the door and creepy Nick immediately asks what "that" was about. Was he spying through the window? "What do you think?" demands Angie, as though this has been an ongoing thing. Maybe it has been and Mary Alice has just been kind enough not to focus on it for the past few months. Nick says that she's done with "that stuff" but Angie says that she still cares. Too bad for her, Nick clearly doesn't, and just asks her not to blow their cover. "So what am I supposed to do? Just sit back and watch her defile our planet?" Angie demands. At this point, my sister started yelling, "She killed polluters! She killed polluters!" Sad to say, this is probably true. *Yawn* When is (*spoiler*) John Barrowman going to show up and inject some awesome into this mystery?

Nick tells Angie to do what she's supposed to do, to which Angie says, "Sometimes you chain yourself to the tree, sometimes you go after the guy with the saw. That's what Patrick used to say." I kind of wish Nick would fly into a rage at the mention of Patrick or something, but he just shrugs it off and says they don't talk about Patrick anymore. I wish this Patrick would show up with a chainsaw and hack off everyone's heads in the Bolen home because I am beyond caring about them at this point. Blessedly this scene ends.

At Double Ds, Susan signs papers to sell her half of the strip club. Her ex-business partner gives her a t-shirt to remember them by; he holds it up and Susan reads, "Lap dance. It's a grind." Both of them chuckle politely, which is kind of lame on the side of the owner, and Susan says she'll wear it on her next field trip with her students. I will save my impassioned teacher rant for later in the episode, but at this point I'd just like to ask when the hell Susan was upgraded from lackey to teacher?

Before Susan can escape the strip club world forever, she gets distracted by a stripper reading Moby Dick. I'd like to point out that Susan knows this girl by name (Robin, played by Julie Benz, aka Darla from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and Angel), so clearly she's spent a lot of time at the ol' strip club. Maybe she and Mike had so much fun after that striptease she did that they came back for more. Susan seems shocked that Robin is reading a classic like Moby Dick--excuse me while I guffaw over the idea of Susan even pretending that she's read Melville-- and Robin says she saw a list of 100 books to read before you die and figured she should get crackin'. At this point I wish the rest of the Susan portion of this episode was about her trying to prove she's smarter than a stripper, but unfortunately my wish is not granted. Instead, Susan and Robin's conversation turns to Susan's true profession (teaching...did she give up on illustrating entirely?) and how Robin wants to do something more with her life. To make an already too-long scene shorter, Susan steals advice from a motivational poster she probably saw at school and tells Robin that she can do whatever she puts her mind to. Robin nods thoughtfully before skipping off to give a lap dance in the private room.

Finally, the show gets to something I care about. Lynette and Tom are at therapy and Tom's telling the therapist about how he was cut off by another car while driving and it ticked him off. Lynette butts in to say that he was furious, but when she went to yell at the driver at a red light, Tom interrupted her and told the driver that she was just having a bad day. The two of them continue to argue the finer points of what happened (Tom: You flipped him the bird; Lynette: I was sticking up for you!) until the therapist cuts in to point out to Lynette that Tom was the one driving. She tells Lynette that no matter how Tom reacted, it was his decision to make. "Let him be in the driver's seat sometimes. Literally and figuratively." Immediately I have a serious season two flashback; in the episode "There Is No Other Way," Tom makes nearly the same comment about needing to be in the driver's seat before having sex with Lynette in an elevator. Excuse me while I reminisce and kind of wish that they'd just solve this argument with sex too.

Okay. Back to this scene. Tom and Lynette sit silently for a minute--Tom is triumphant, Lynette upset--before Lynette says, "Bringing the score to Tom-four, controlling bitch-zero." The therapist says there's no scoreboard, but Lynette just looks unconvinced and a little sad. The session ends there and the Scavos leave the room after agreeing with the therapist that it was a great session. One of them is more sincere than the other; guess who. Out in the waiting area, Tom naively says that he always feels better after they leave therapy. "Yeah, I bet you do," says Lynette. Tom is confused and says that he feels like the therapist has gotten "all this"--he gestures between himself and Lynette--"working." Of course, Lynette opposes this by saying that the therapist has gotten Tom working and her beaten up. Lynette wants a second opinion--Dr. Goldfine! Dr. Goldfine!--and Tom points out that when they started she loved their therapist. "Yeah, and when we started I loved you too. Things change. Now let's go." Ah, I do love snarky Lynette.

As the Scavos head out, Tom realizes he's forgotten his keys and goes back to the office to get them. He enters without knocking and overhears the therapist (I really need to learn her name; can I just call her Daphne? Of course I can; it's my blog) talking on the phone to someone about her dress rehearsal. She gets off the phone quickly and Tom can't help but ask about her acting. She says that she caught the acting bug in college and has always kept the dream alive since she has some talent. She's going to be in a community production of Antony and Cleopatra. Brown-nosing Tom says that he'd love to see the play, so Daphne hands him a flyer.

Back at the Bolens, Angie answers the door to find Gaby on the other side looking for Ana. She wants her to watch Juanita and Celia while she runs to the store. Who is watching them while she's over at Angie's? Angie says it's no problem, invites Gaby in and then calls for Ana, who is up in Danny's room. Immediately, Gaby becomes concerned over Ana and Danny being alone in his room without supervision, but Angie shrugs this off. "Why don't you just crack open a bottle of champagne in Ana's pelvis and wish Danny bon voyage?" sasses Gaby. Heh.

Ana finally emerges and agrees to come home to watch the girls. She goes back upstairs to get her stuff and the adults go back to talking about teen sex. Angie isn't worried about the kids having sex as long as she and Gaby make sure they aren't being stupid. She asks Gaby if she's gotten Ana birth control and Gaby says that spending time with Juanita and Celia should qualify. Heh, again. Gaby has some great lines in this episode. Angie tries to convince Gaby that she should get Ana on the pill, but for some reason Gaby naively thinks Ana is too young for sex. When Angie asks Gaby how old she was when she first did it, Gaby realizes that Angie is right and screams for Ana to hurry up since she needs to go to the pharmacy too. As if it's that easy, Gaby.

Over at the Hodges', Bree carries a vase of flowers into the dining room and peers curiously at Orson's open laptop. Her face goes from interested to aghast in a matter of seconds and when Orson wheels back into the room she asks him if he's written a suicide note. Leaving that note out in the open like that is a cry for help if I've ever seen one. Orson points out that they can discuss this like adults now, but Bree wants him to get help with his obvious depression. When Orson shrugs this off and says he's ready to die, Bree goes on the offensive, promising to remove all the knives, ropes and pills (what about the guns?) from the house and declaring that she'll stay with Orson twenty-four hours a day if she has to. "Well, being bored to death wasn't how I was planning to go, but we can try it your way," says Orson before he wheels away. He pauses for another moment to promise Bree that he'll give her time to adjust, but that it will happen. Marcia Cross was just too damn good in that scene--it was the first time in awhile that I've felt she cared about Orson and not just about atoning for her sins. It's really refreshing and so wonderful to finally like Bree again. It's been much too long.

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Gaby slaps down a box of condoms on her a table when Carlos walks up behind her and asks what's up with "all the condoms." Are there more than one box that weren't shown? "Settle down, they're not for you," Gaby says, then has to elaborate that they're for Ana when Carlos points out that husbands don't want to hear that from their wives. And I'd like to point out that Gaby is wearing a completely different outfit. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't put it past Gaby to change just to go to the store, but I fear that the fact is that really the DH Time Gods struck again and made the timeline wacky.

Of course, upon hearing that Danny is probably defiling his niece, Carlos immediately decides to kill him and bury him under the porch. Gaby tries to defer this behavior by making the same arguments as Angie, but Carlos points out that if Ana ends up knocked up then Gaby will be stuck raising the baby. "How is this my problem?" asks Gaby. "She's your trampy niece!" Carlos reminds her that he'll be in jail for killing Danny and Gaby looks chagrined, probably because she can actually picture this.

Over at the Delfinos', Susan is outside raking leaves when Robin hops out of a car and calls Susan's name. As she jogs up to Susan, she announces that she took Susan's advice and quit Double Ds. At first, Susan doesn't get the full impact of this, but then Robin explains that she has no qualifications to do anything else and no back-up plan and Susan grows more and more concerned. Suddenly she realizes that she shouldn't have given advice garnered from an after school special. As a last ditch attempt to redeem her actions, Susan asks if Robin has at least saved up money, and the frown on Robin's face is all the answer necessary.

This cuts to later that night, inside the kitchen, where an astonished Mike wants to know how Robin saved no money from nine years of stripping. "Apparently there was a boob job and a bad boyfriend and the rising cost of glitter," Susan explains. She wants to take Robin under her wing because she feels responsible for Robin quitting. "I didn't think she'd listen!" Susan tries to justify. "No one listens to me! I keep telling you I hate that shirt, but there it is!" Mike is flabbergasted--and really, this is the foundation of why their marriage works--and agrees that they should help Robin. He wants to know what other skills she has.

The camera cuts to the other side of the room, where Robin and MJ are folding napkins at the table. MJ wants to know why she's sad and Robin says she needs a job, but has no skills. "You're so pretty, you could be a princess," says MJ. This is such a typical 8-year-old boy sucking up line that I'm pretty impressed. So is Robin, who awws at MJ.

Cut back to Susan and Mike, who observe that MJ is completely over the moon for Robin. Susan thinks it's sweet; Mike thinks it's expected since MJ is a guy. Susan shoots him a dirty look, so Mike adds that Robin is also good with kids. Unfortunately, this gives Susan the brilliant idea to get Robin a job at her school as the assistant art teacher. Why does this school need so many assistant art teachers? Do all of the teachers get assistants? Is that why tuition is so expensive? And how is Robin remotely qualified for this job? Because she's "good with kids"? If that were the only requirement then it would be a lot easier to become a teacher. Where is her teaching certificate? Hell, for an assistant teacher, I would be satisfied just to see her pass all of the background checks. This plot is grating on my last nerve because if it was that easy to get a teaching job in this country, I wouldn't be working on my Masters in education right now while holding down two part time jobs. Shut up, show.

Anyway, to further annoy me, Mike asks if Robin will be able to handle the job. Susan says that the gist of the job is gluing macaroni to shoe-boxes and that it's not that hard. My brain just may explode from this. I've subbed for art teachers before; do these writers realize how much prep work goes into preparing for art lessons for so many different age groups? How about the fact that actually teaching a room of 25-30 kids is a lot different than hanging out with one in his home under the supervision of his parents? Again: shut up, show.

On what I assume is the next day (it was night at Susan's and day now), Bree walks into her kitchen to find Roy asleep in a chair. Immediately she wakes him up and demands to know where Orson is; Roy was watching him. "Don't worry," says Roy, "I stuck him in the laundry room and put a broom through his spokes." Wow, he and Karen really are made for each other, aren't they? Bree is appropriately horrified and runs to the laundry room to free Orson from his imprisonment. Orson isn't overly annoyed; he simply asks Bree to fire Roy from suicide-watch duty. Roy doesn't care, pointing out that he did his job and kept Orson alive; he leaves. As Bree wheels Orson out of the laundry room toward the living room, Orson asks what took her so long. Bree was picking up their guests and when she arrives in the living room, Orson realizes that she found a couple of other wheelchair-bound men for him to talk to. One is that guy from Ed! I miss that show. They never show reruns anymore.

Orson immediately catches on to Bree's plan--to use the other guys, Chris and Ron, to show him he has a reason to live--and makes some snarky comments. He's clearly less than enthused. Again: please, show, give me some Lynette-Orson interaction. The sarcasm would be too fantastic. Bree leaves the room to go get tea and Chris and Ron immediately start on Orson, claiming they're not handicapped, they're handi-capable. "Oh Lord," says Orson.

Ron ignores Orson and goes on: "We play basketball, we dance, we make love..." Orson: "And I hope you're very happy together." Heh. Chris' face falls and Orson goes on to say that unlike them, he doesn't have anyone to join him on this journey. Chris points out that Orson has Bree, and Orson scoffs. Chris assumes that Orson just feels unloved since his accident, but Orson explains in detail that Bree is with him as an obligation. Overhearing this, Bree storms into the room to defend herself and as the sordid story pours out, Chris and Ron look more and more uncomfortable. Orson says Bree no longer loves him. The other guys try to excuse themselves, but Bree asks them to stay, mostly to avoid Orson's accusation. Orson demands that Bree try to deny that she no longer loves him, but the best Bree can manage is that she cares very deeply about him. Satisfied, Orson wheels away. "I'm feeling a little upset right now. Would you mind rolling yourselves out?" says Bree. That line is so classically Bree that I'm a little overwhelmed by happiness.

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Ana sits on the couch doing homework when Gaby pops up behind her and asks if Ana is happy. Ana is perturbed by this question, and Gaby lies that she simply wants to know about Ana's happiness since she's become like a daughter to her and Carlos. Ana doesn't buy this any more than I do, and clearly wants to run away when Gaby mentions that Carlos wants them to discuss the birds and the bees. In typical Gaby fashion, she is going to ignore Carlos and instead use money to ply Ana to her will. She writes Ana a check large enough to cover a year of modeling school and rent for a nice New York apartment, but promises to sign it only when Ana graduates from high school without having sex. Unsurprisingly, Ana accepts the check and tells Gaby that she's now very happy.

Cut to a crowded theater, where Tom and Lynette sit holding a box of chocolates and a program, respectively. Lynette can't believe she let Tom talk her into coming to a three hour play when she has to pee every twenty minutes. Heh. Tom smiles and says that they should support Daphne since Daphne has supported them. "This isn't about support," says Lynette. "This is about little Tommy, teacher's pet, wanting a gold star for butt kissing." The line comes off as cute and comical since Lynette tweaks Tom's arm and they both sport large grins. Tom denies Lynette's accusation and the play begins.

Because hell would freeze over before Lynette lets Tom have the last word (especially in an argument she knows she can win), she whispers that Tom brought Daphne a forty dollar box of chocolate. Holy crap; forty dollars? Tom really is a kiss-ass. Also as angry as I am at the writers for the Susan plot this week, I'd like to thank them now for not using this therapy plot as yet another way to deal with Lynette's jealousy issues. Especially when Lynette adds that last Mother's Day, Tom tossed her a bagel and called it breakfast in bed. Heh.

"Admit it," whispers Tom, "you just have a problem with her because you hate it when someone points out your flaws." Lynette gasps and denies this, claiming she can take constructive criticism very well. Cue the woman in front of her turning around and asking Lynette to please quiet down. Lynette apologizes, but of course uses her acquiescence to point out to Tom that it's proof that she's perfectly capable of taking criticism. The woman turns again and says, "You're still talking." Lynette: "You're still annoying. Relax."

Tom shushes Lynette as Daphne makes her entrance and Lynette makes an exaggerated show of agreeing to settle down. Daphne plods onto stage, making odd gestures, emphasizing strange words, and stumbling over her lines. Cut to Lynette and Tom, who look increasingly concerned. Daphne spits out a few more lines and the camera cuts to behind Tom and Lynette so that right between their heads the stage is still visible. On stage, Daphne bows her head after she finishes a line and her crown falls to the floor. Tom and Lynette turn their heads and share a horrified look.

Back at the Scavos', Parker is heading to the stairs with a sandwich in hand when Tom and Lynette arrive home. They're laughing and Parker asks how the play was. "Lincoln had a better time at the theater," says Tom. Parker laughs and asks how bad it actually was. "Remember how horrible your second grade Arbor Day play was?" says Tom as a reference. "But at least we were drunk for that," adds Lynette. Parker shakes his head and heads upstairs as Tom crosses the room and wonders out loud how Daphne got that part. Lynette points out that no matter what she did--even donating a kidney--it still wasn't enough.

Tom grabs a beer and a water bottle out of the fridge and hands the water to Lynette, saying that he hopes he can erase Daphne's performance from his memory before it's time for their next session. Immediately Lynette balks; she can't believe Tom is serious about going back to Daphne. She no longer wants life lessons from someone with such little self-awareness. Tom thinks that Lynette is just looking for an excuse to dump Daphne (which is probably true to some extent, but I can also see Lynette's argument) and says that they will be going back on Tuesday. For once, Tom seems to get his way, but it might just be because Lynette has a mouthful of water, and he heads upstairs.

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To my utter horror, the show returns in Susan's classroom. The kids run into the room and sit down and seconds behind them, Robin walks in wearing a skirt-suit and glasses she doesn't need. She's really excited to get started, so Susan tells her to start hanging globes the kids made last week from the ceiling. Just then a father comes into the room with his son, apologizing that they're running late. Susan goes to get the child settled, but the father's eyes are immediately drawn to Robin, who stands on a long table to hang the globes. He wonders where he's seen her before and upon seeing Robin walk the length of the table, realizes just why those gams are so familiar.

Cue Susan in the principal's office. For some reason unbeknown to logic, the principal has just become aware that Robin was a stripper up until a couple of days ago. I am so weak from exhaustion from this stupid, nonsensical plot that I can't even bring myself to point out the hundreds of flaws that spring to mind here. Let's just say that this principal is an idiot and move on. To sum up the rest of this scene: Robin is fired because that kid's father threatened to pull his funding if they didn't let her go.

Back at the Solises', Ana and Danny are studying together on the couch as Gaby fights to get the girls upstairs for their bath. As soon as Gaby is up the stairs, Ana and Danny start to make out. Danny wants to know why Ana is getting him all hot and bothered when she promised not to have sex and Ana says that she promised Gaby that she wouldn't have sex, not that Danny wouldn't. So if Danny is going to have sex and Ana isn't, does that mean Ana's going to work on her oral fixation? Just saying. Danny flicks off the light and pounces on Ana. Are they insane? Gaby is right upstairs with two little kids!

Outside, Angie gets out of her car and spies Frau's garbage cans. The recycling still isn't separated, so Angie decides to take matters into her own hands. As she walks over to the garbage, Carlos pulls into his driveway and heads into the house. He flicks on the lights and discovers a shirtless Danny. Ana immediately protests that what's going on is "no big deal," but there's no arguing with Carlos, who gets Danny in a choke-hold and slams him up against the wall to scream at him. This makes me wish that they'd just keep with aging Juanita two years for every one on the show so we could see her as a teen.

Outside, Angie hears Carlos yelling like a maniac and then spies him attacking Danny through the window. She abandons Frau's garbage to go intervene. Inside the house, she demands that Carlos let Danny go; at the same time, Gaby rushes down the stairs and asks what is going on. Since Carlos still hasn't let go of Danny, Angie throws a vase across the room, and that finally startles Carlos enough to let go. Angie tells Danny to wait for her outside, so he leaves. As soon as Danny is gone, Angie tells Carlos that she'll kill him if he ever lays a hand on her son again. For the second time in this episode I'm struck by how much more compelling this would be as a Scavo-Solis storyline. Can you imagine Lynette's reaction to this and the possible repercussions? On the other hand, I have had enough of those two families feuding this season.

Back outside, Angie marches Danny home only to be interrupted by Frau, who reverses Angie's hard work. She's messed with the wrong person, because Angie storms over and kicks over the trash cans. Yeah, that'll show 'er, Ang!

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Before this next scene even starts I'd like to point out that it is a prime example of just why people consistently say that Tom and Lynette have the most realistic marriage on the show. And it's not just because of their storylines (which can sometimes be as ridiculous as the other couples') or the way the talk to each other. I give a lot of the credit to Felicity Huffman and Doug Savant because the two of them have truly made up their own language for Lynette and Tom. The ways that they silently communicate with gestures and looks and touches give much more realism to their TV marriage than anything else and it's why I am always drawn to their scenes. So, on to this one.

Daphne leans into frame to tell Lynette that she should consider how she's saying things to Tom, not just what she's saying. The shot changes to reveal Tom and Lynette on the opposite couch; Tom is sitting forward, looking rapt with attention while Lynette leans back and seems utterly bored. Slowly, Lynette gives a small nod. "That's...a theory," she acknowledges. The therapist wonders what is going on with Lynette and Tom immediately jumps in with the "she's pregnant" excuse, rubbing Lynette's knee in a way that clearly reads, "Please don't screw this up." Daphne, clearly not buying it, points out that they're in a safe place and Lynette can say whatever she likes. Lynette's eyes shoot over to Tom and he looks back at her and very subtly shakes his head. Too late, Lynette is going to take the opening.

Lynette sits up and gently removes Tom's hand from her knee, telling Daphne that she and Tom saw her play. "You did?" asks Daphne, clearly pleased. "Well why didn't you come back stage and say hello?" Lynette sighs, "Well, the truth is I didn't really know what to say because...I didn't really like it." Daphne looks as though she can understand Lynette's point and agrees that the actor playing Antony was dreadful. Hilariously, Lynette gets that signature look that she uses when dealing with the crazy and says that it was actually Daphne who was "not very good" and that now she's lost confidence in her as a therapist. "Oh," says Daphne. "Okay. Do you want to elaborate?" Lynette says no.

Not seeing this as potentially dangerous to her well-being, Daphne calls Lynette's refusal to be specific a sign of cowardice, even pointing out that Lynette also does this in her marriage. And of course at those words, the gloves come off. Even Tom knows that it's coming; he sinks back on the couch, mimicking Lynette's earlier pose. "Okay," says Lynette. "You sucked. You were really, really bad. Three words: stink, stank, stunk. Specific enough?"

For a second it seems like Daphne is going to simply take this criticism and move on, but she goes on to say that Lynette is alone in her assessment. In fact, a newspaper called her performance incandescent. Lynette's mouth drops open. "Oh my God, you actually believe that!" She turns to Tom, exclaiming, "See, this is why we can't see her anymore!" At this point, Daphne asks for Tom's opinion. Lynette leans back on the couch, rubbing her pregnant stomach as though to subtly remind Tom that she's currently carrying his child, and then extends her hand as an invitation to let Daphne have it. "I thought you were great," says Tom. What is extra awesome is that Tom's voice rises a little as he says this, which, back in season four, Mary Alice said is one of Tom's indicators that he's lying.

Lynette immediately sits back up and calls Tom a liar, so Tom sits up too. "You said you've seen seals playing horns that put on a better show!" yells Lynette. Daphne tells Lynette not to bully Tom into agreeing with her and Lynette finally reaches that point where she's on the verge of breaking down. "I wouldn't have to bully him if he would man up for once!" she says. Daphne tries to interject to say that Lynette is attacking, but Lynette continues, "Of course, because I'm always the bad cop; he's always the good cop!" She turns to Tom. "Could you just for once not be such a wuss?"

On the defensive, Tom says, "Damn right I'm the good cop! Someone has to be. Because bad cop-bad cop doesn't work. I grew up in that house and it doesn't work!" Interesting. There's been so much background on Lynette's childhood, but very little on Tom's beyond that he grew up with an adulterous traveling salesman as a dad. I love that this show throws out little nuggets of information like this.

"That is not it!" argues Lynette. "You like me being the bad guy that way you can always be the good guy! But guess what: I'd love to be the good guy once in awhile, but I can't! Because when things get hard or a difficult decision has to be made you run from confrontation and if I don't step into the void things grind to a halt! Because I've got news for you: good cop-good cop doesn't work either!"

A silence falls over the group and then after a moment Tom admits that Lynette is right. Lynette looks completely shocked and pleased by this announcement. Tom nods. "I like to be liked. And because of that, a lot of the ugly stuff I defer to you." So true. He adds an apology to Lynette and then turns to Daphne and calmly says, "Your performance was aggressively bad. At one point during the second act I started to choke on a mint and thought about not fighting it." Daphne looks wounded, but Lynette is completely enamored with her husband. She puts a hand on Tom's arm and he picks it up and holds it. "Wow, this was quite a breakthrough. And you were right." She turns to Daphne. "You're a wonderful therapist." "Thank you, Lynette," says Daphne. "Now both of you get the hell out of my office." Ah, well, it was nice while it lasted.

At night, Gaby and Carlos cross the lane to take some apology cookies to Angie. Carlos is miffed that they have to apologize, but Gaby points out that he assaulted Angie's son. "When are you going to learn that violence is not the answer?" she asks, slapping Carlos' hand away from the cookies.

As they approach Angie's front door, they can hear Angie and Nick arguing. "We should go," says Carlos, and Gaby agrees. And now the best sight gag of the episode: Gaby and Carlos lean closer to the door and Gaby picks up a cookie, taking a bite and then offering Carlos one too as they eavesdrop. Nick is yelling at Angie about kicking over Frau's garbage (apparently she's threatening to sue) because they can't afford to draw attention to themselves. "If people start poking around, we're done!" he yells. Gaby and Carlos look shocked.

Commercials.

Back in the Delfinos' kitchen, Susan is loading mashed potatoes into a Tupperware container while ranting to Mike, MJ and Robin about the principal firing Robin. Maybe you totally SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING FROM A MILE AWAY, SUSAN! God! I am so OVER this. MJ tries to get a hug from Robin out of this debacle, but he is denied. Ha! Shut down, MJ! Robin talks about begging for her stripping job back, but Susan doesn't want to let her. She grabs Mike by the shirt and whispers to him that she wants to let Robin live with them. Mike tries to argue, but Susan wins and I cry a little on the inside. As much as Julie Benz kicked ass as Darla, she is boring me to tears as Robin, and unless she's going to turn into a vampire and kill a bunch of people, I'm not holding out much hope that they'll find some more interesting ways to utilize her.

The next day at the Hodges, Bree tells Orson that they have a 50th anniversary party to attend. She throws a suit on Orson's lap and tells him that he has to go. Cut to the party, where Orson sulks by the pool and Bree tries to convince him to come inside for a toast. Orson refuses, so she goes inside alone to listen to the toast. The toast-maker, Walter, gives a short and sweet little speech about how happy he's been with his wife of fifty years and then "I Love You for Sentimental Reasons" begins to play.

Outside, Orson wheels towards the pool, clearly ready to drown himself, but Bree spies him through the window and runs like a mad woman to get outside and stop him. Orson demands to know why Bree won't let him die. Bree says it's because she wants a party "like this" to celebrate their marriage one day. Of course Orson doesn't understand what he and Bree would have to celebrate. She argues that Walter and Shirley have gone through their tough times and they're still together after fifty years, but Orson points out that Walter and Shirley are in love. "I loved you once," Bree says emotionally, "and could I love you again? I don't know. But I would like to recapture what we once had. And how can we do that if you're not here? So I'm asking you: please stay." Moved by this first sign of passion from Bree in about a year, Orson reaches out to stroke Bree's cheek. After a moment, she leans in and kisses him.

A car drives down Wisteria Lane as Mary Alice jumps back in to conclude the episode. She repeats her lines from earlier, but this time we get different shots of the characters in the drama of life. Ana and Danny--still the romantic leads--get out of a car and kiss. This time Robin is the victim, as she sits and stares sadly out of Susan's kitchen window. Ironically, for the comic relief the shot is of Lynette sitting on her porch swing, rubbing her stomach and looking lost in thought--almost melancholy. It's an interesting dichotomy I'm not sure was intended, because the actual comic relief is Tom coming outside and dropping the glasses he's carrying on a tray. Finally, this time ends with Gaby as the hero and Angie as the villain as the two of them stand outside in their bathrobes and greet their children.

And that's the end. Not even a clip for next time because next time is three tortuous weeks away. Damn you, ABC!