DH recap: Lovely

Season Six, Episode Fifteen: "Lovely"

The episode opens with a shot of Robin, who holds a bottle of wine and applies lipstick in the middle of Wisteria Lane. Mary Alice says, "The first thing you need to know about Robin Gallagher was that everyone liked to look at her." I think the first thing I need to know is why Robin is touching up her lipstick out on the street instead of inside Susan's house; she's standing right outside of it so I'm guessing she just left. Maybe things like this are why people look at her. Oh, no, I guess that's just me, because Mary Alice mentions that it's that: "They liked to stare at her legs," (Parker, tying his shoes, watches as Robin walks down the street), "and her breasts," (random neighbor raking his lawn), "and her hair," (a white-clad delivery man). Robin arrives at Gaby's where Susan waits outside to usher her into the house. "And once they were done," Mary Alice finishes, "people would begin to ask..."

"Who is this?" says Roy with a big ol' smile. Susan introduces Robin to the group, which, in addition to Roy, includes Karen, Bree, Lynette, and Gaby. Apparently Susan brought Robin to the party as her guest since Mike couldn't make it. I would hope that she'd bring Robin even if Mike could come so she could get to know the neighbors. Roy flirts a little with Robin, to Karen's consternation, and then the camera cuts to the living room where Tom, Orson and Carlos are chatting with Katherine. It turns out that this is a welcome home party for her; the guys seem to give her a lukewarm reception. It's about what I would expect from the three of them; I could probably count on one hand the number of times they've interacted with Katherine.

Katherine cautiously starts to explain how reluctant she was to come back since she wasn't sure how the neighbors would react. As she's giving this heartfelt speech, Carlos spots Robin and elbows Tom. "I guess there's always that fear that people are going to reject you," finishes Katherine, just as Tom slaps Orson's arm to draw his attention to Robin. Without even giving Katherine a courtesy response, Carlos asks, "Do I smell appetizers?" and all three of the guys cross the room to go meet Robin.

"Hello, Susan!" Carlos greets more enthusiastically than I'm sure Susan's ever heard from anyone. "Who's your new friend?" Susan grins and introduces all four men--this includes Roy, even though he's been standing there the whole time. "I hope you got all that," says Tom with a goofy smile, "'cause there's gonna be a quiz later." The men all chuckle. Lynette: "Oh God."

"So, Robin, welcome to my humble abode," says Carlos, complete with an arm wave and a bow. Now it's Gaby's turn to shoot her husband a dirty look. Robin thanks him and mentions how different suburbia is, what with the tall ceilings. Yeah, that's always what catches my eye too. "Fascinating. Just fascinating," says Orson, causing Bree to gaze at him questionably. All of the guys now sport dopey grins and I have to say that Orson sells it the best. The ladies could probably have an argument over whose husband acts the dumbest here. I really can't say for sure: between the drool that's practically hanging off of Orson's lip, Tom's ridiculous flirtation and Carlos' over-the-top gesturing, it's practically a toss up.

Robin mentions that she's going to be living with Susan for awhile and immediately the girls' eyes go wide. Gaby offers to get Susan a drink, then practically paws her arm off as she grabs her and hauls her to the living room. The other women follow, leaving Robin with their men. "So, you wanna tell us about your new friend? Or should I say 'roommate?'" asks Lynette. I'm not sure why she needed air quotes there; is she implying that Susan and Robin have some kind of other relationship? Susan explains that Robin is down-on-her-luck and that Susan feels responsible because she basically told her to quit her job. And at this point I'm completely distracted by the cut-out hole in the top of Susan's shirt. It's not necessarily a bad fashion choice, but it does draw an odd amount of attention to her boob.

Bree asks what was wrong with Robin's job and Susan leans in to confess to the girls, first mentioning that they probably shouldn't tell the guys. Uh, except Mike totally knows and I can't imagine he's going to keep it a secret. Especially from his best friend Carlos. Before Susan can get the word out, though, the girls hear Carlos exclaim, "That's wild! So you used to be a stripper?" Susan sighs and Robin looks over at the ladies almost apologetically. At this point, Mary Alice butts back in, saying, "Yes, everyone liked to look at Robin Gallagher, but not everyone liked what they saw." The girls glare at Susan.

Abbreviated credits!

Still at the party, Bree passes out appetizers to the guys (who are now conversing Robin-free) and then heads into the kitchen where the other women still gossip about Susan's decision. "You moved a stripper into the neighborhood? What were you thinking?" demands Lynette. She's wielding a knife, Susan, be careful! Don't underestimate how fast she can move! She's surprisingly limber for being so pregnant! Susan sheepishly asks them to give Robin a chance, but Gaby is on Lynette's side. Fortunately for Susan, Katherine enters at that moment and mentions how great Robin seems. Bree: "Did she mention she's a stripper?" Katherine: "Did she have to?" I'm not sure if Katherine means that as "Well, duh, it's obvious" or as "Does that matter?" I'd like to give her credit for the latter, but I'm not sure any of the girls on this street are that generous.

Susan stresses that she's the only one who should feel at all threatened by Robin--what with her living in her house--but she's not. At all. Bree is skeptical. "She's a nice girl," argues Susan. "Yes, nice, blond, and you can bounce a quarter off her ass. I'm telling you, she's trouble," says the only other blond in the room. Katherine thinks they should give Robin a chance since she can't be any crazier than Katherine was and Bree agrees. "Well I'm all for being open-minded," says Lynette, "but I have teenage boys at home. The last thing I need next door is a stripper." And with that the screen goes black and the show introduces us to:

Lynette and The Stripper

There is a knock on the front door of the Scavos' and Lynette answers to find three geeky teenage boys. Turns out they're Parker's friends and they're there to pick him up for school. With extreme eagerness, the blow past Lynette before she can even invite them in and charge upstairs. Exasperated, Lynette shuts the door and heads back into the living room where Tom sits on the couch doing some work.

"So are you ever going to get back to folding the laundry?" asks Tom, gesturing to a pile of clothes on the coffee table. Lynette shoots him an aggravated look. "Well I thought I'd treat myself and wash the breakfast dishes first." Clearly headed for certain doom, Tom replies, "Well you started this, don't you think you should finish?" Annoyed, Lynette picks up the pile of clothes and tells Tom to go for it himself since he's so passionate about it. It's then that she spies a jewelry box that Tom hid underneath the pile of laundry and her face lights up. "Okay, you just went from jerk to adorable real quick," she says, unable to hide her smile. Tom stands up and wishes her a happy anniversary before he kisses her and pulls her into a hug.

Her arms still around Tom, Lynette opens the box and finds a gorgeous diamond ring inside. She gasps, surprised, and pecks Tom again. "Wait until you see your present," she says with a little shimmy. "You can unwrap it tonight when the kids are asleep." "Or," Tom kisses Lynette again, "how about after they leave for school?" Lynette giggles and he kisses a third time before leaning in to start planting some wet ones on her neck. Too bad for Tom, bringing up the kids sparks Lynette's mommy-sensors and she suddenly wonders why they haven't left for school yet.

Lynette heads up to Parker's room and tries to eavesdrop at the door, but there's not a peep to be heard. She opens the door without knocking and finds all four of the boys lined up at Parker's window. "Hey boys," she greets, startling them. "What's going on?" Parker subtly sets down binoculars and doesn't answer beyond mentioning that they're late for school. The four teens skedaddle and Lynette meanders to the window to see what caught their attention. Turns out it's Robin taking a shower. Which begs the question: who else at the Delfinos' has Parker been spying on over the years?

Minutes later, Robin opens her front door with completely dry hair, wearing a cheetah-print bathrobe. Without hesitation, Lynette asks Robin to close her blinds the next time she takes a shower since she has a sixteen-year-old son with binoculars and horny friends. I'd argue that Parker is seventeen, but I'm incredibly impressed that the show even bumped him up to sixteen; I was expecting fourteen. So kudos! "You may have retired from the strip club, but you're still doing seven shows a week," says Lynette. "Well at least they didn't have to pay a cover charge, right?" jokes Robin. Lynette is less than amused and gives Robin a sanctimonious little speech about how she owes it to the community to be a good neighbor. "You have a responsibility to the neighbors. Especially the ones with innocent children." Oh Lynette, when have your kids ever been innocent?

"Well they're not all so innocent," Robin says before Lynette can storm away. "Yesterday that son of yours asked me if I would have sex with him." Lynette is flabbergasted. "Parker?" she asks. "My Parker? Red hair? Skinny? Still sleeps in a bed shaped like a race car Parker?" Oh I hope that last part is facetious. Robin nods. "Of course I said no. Then he offered me cash." Heh. Remember when Parker offered Mrs. McCluskey a Fudgesicle if she showed him her vagina?

Later that day, Parker returns home from school to find both of his parents at home. Did Tom cut work early for this latest family crisis? They beckon him into the kitchen and tell him to take a seat. "What's up?" asks Parker. How can he not realize he's heading straight into a trap. I guess he takes after Tom. "We hoped it would be another year before we had the parent-son conversation where we tell you not to offer your neighbor money for sex." Parker: "Oh crap! She told?" Lynette's eyes nearly bug out of her head. "Yeah," says Tom. "You might want to pick a more discreet stripper next time."

"What were you thinking?" asks Lynette. "We raised you better than that? Didn't we?" Tom: "Yeah, we did." Lynette: "We did. So what do you have to say for yourself?" Now if I were Parker, I'd point out that at least I didn't sleep with my best friend's mother, but his only defense is that he really, really, really wanted to have sex. Tom: "Three reallys? Well in that case here's a twenty. Go back and try again." Lynette slaps his arm and then tries to rationalize with Parker. She wants to know why he would pay someone to have sex with him. "Because I'm the only one of my friends who hasn't lost his virginity." Lynette laughs; she tells Parker that "Pimples, Braces and Beam-Me-Up-Scotty" haven't lost their virginity yet either. They were pretty geeky. Poor Parker says that he's never going to have sex because girls don't look at him that way. At this point, Tom literally tags Lynette out and sits down across from Parker to take over.

"Hey," he says, then he grasps Parker's cheeks and shakes him a little. "Knock it off! You are a great kid! You don't need to pay for it! In a few years, when you're emotionally ready, you'll meet the right girl and you'll have tons of sex." Lynette slaps Tom with a mixing spoon. "After you're married." Parker gives a little smile and apologizes, although I'm not sure if he really believes Tom or not. Maybe Tom should have told him about how he wasn't even kissed until he was eighteen. That might have cheered Parker up a little more. As it is, Parker leaves the room and Lynette congratulates Tom on doing a great job, even giving him a little peck on the cheek. "Do you think he bought it?" asks Tom. Lynette: "Bought what?" Tom: "You know." Lynette totally doesn't, so Tom clarifies, "Guys always pay for sex in some way. Dinner, flowers," Tom stands and leans in close to his wife, "antique rings." Tom's ability to step into it always amazes me. Way to go there, Tom!

"Whoa. Whoa! You think that's the only reason we're having sex tonight?" demands Lynette. Somehow Tom doesn't notice that she's completely pissed off. "Of course not," he says, but he's not backing up to apologize or correct himself. Instead he adds, "It's our anniversary. It's a give-in. Like turkey on Thanksgiving. Although I am hoping the ring gets me upgraded from missionary." Oh Tom. You fool. You never, ever know when to shut up. "Forget about upgrades. You just got bumped off the flight," snaps Lynette. Somehow, Tom doesn't understand what's going on and asks why she's so upset. "Because I didn't know I was married to such a cynical lug-nut," says Lynette. Excuse me while I laugh and laugh at this ridiculous phrase for a few minutes. Where the hell did the writers pull that one out from? It reminds me of the time my history teacher mocked my one friend for using the word "rouge." Still not getting it, although realizing things are getting serious, Tom asks, "Are we really not gonna have sex tonight?" Lynette: "Don't worry, Tom. In a few years, when you're emotionally ready, you're going to have tons of sex." And wow, that is one pissed off look on Tom's face.

That night, Lynette is in bed reading a book when Tom gently starts to run his fingers over her hand. "So you really liked the ring?" he asks softly, clearly aiming to seduce her. I kind of wish we'd gotten to see just how he naively got his hopes up again. I guess Tom is just an eternal optimist. "Yep," says Lynette shortly. Tom smiles. "Did you read the inscription?" he asks. "To my darling--" Lynette: "We're not having sex, Tom." Tom groans and rolls onto his back exasperated. "Come on," he whines. "Why not?" Lynette turns a page in her book; is that just for show or is she that skilled of a reader? "Because I am still upset by what you said," she explains. "Do you really think that women only sleep with men if they buy them things?"

"No," says Tom sarcastically. "I think super models sleep with eighty-year-old millionaires because they love to hear stories about when bread was five cents a loaf." Validly, Lynette points out: "Well I'm not a model and you're no millionaire, so I'm thinking you owe me an apology." Instead of just saying he's sorry, Tom decides he needs to win this argument. He tells Lynette that after their first two dates at a cheap restaurant he dropped two hundred bucks at some French place and that night she finally put out. "Er, we finally made love," he corrects quickly. Lynette calls him an idiot, throws her book down and pushes Tom onto his back so she can climb on top of him. Like I said, she really moves fast for a woman who must be in her third trimester by now. "I did not put out because you bought me an expensive dinner," says Lynette, slapping Tom's face lightly. "I did it because you showed up for the date with a light bulb to replace the one that had burned out in the hallway to my apartment. Remember? You said I didn't live in the best neighborhood..."

"And I was worried about you," Tom finishes, now grinning like a fool. "Bingo!" says Lynette. She gives him a flirtatious smile. "I was ready to do you right then and there." Tom is surprised; "That's all it takes? Me showing you I care? 'Cause that's easy." Oh Tom. I can't believe it took you twenty years of marriage to figure this out. Lynette: "And now it's time for your anniversary present." So Tom gets laid after all! A happy ending for everyone involved.

The next day, Lynette approaches Robin again with a much friendlier attitude. She sincerely apologizes for being a bitch the day before and Robin graciously accepts. Of course, she also can't help giving a little back to Lynette too by asking her to close her drapes the next time she goes down on Tom. Hehehe.

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Bree and The Stripper

In what appears to be the Hodges' study, Bree helps Orson get into a tiny, single bed. It resembles a hospital bed and it makes me really sad just to look at it. No wonder Orson was suicidal. Bree reminds Orson that she's catering a Bar Mitzvah the following day and asks if Orson needs anything before she leaves. He says no; he has rehab and Roy offered to take him to the park. For a moment, Bree and Orson stare at one another; the both seem on the verge of saying something, but neither has the courage to spit it out. Instead, they simultaneously begin to talk, Bree asking if Orson wants to watch a movie and Orson saying he wants to read. I get the impression that's not what either of them intended to say. "I guess we could watch--" begins Orson, but Bree cuts him off, saying, "No, you want to read? Go ahead." Bree heads toward the door, pausing long enough to remind Orson to ring his bell if he needs her for anything. "I'm sure I'll be fine," says Orson.

On what I would guess is the next day, Bree stands in her catering kitchen, mixing up a pot of something that I'm sure is delicious. Suddenly she's interrupted by Robin, who wants a favor. "Susan and Mike have been so good to me," explains Robin, "I want to do something nice for them and I thought, hey, maybe I should bake them a cake!" Bree agrees that that's a thoughtful gesture and offers Robin any supplies she needs from her kitchen. That's a good call: assuming that Susan doesn't have anything at her house. Bree goes back to cooking, but Robin continues to stare at her. "So what do I need?" she asks. "Robin," says Bree, almost as though she's frightened, "what exactly do you know about cakes?" Robin: "Well I know that if you're going to hide in one for over an hour the air holes have got to be pretty big." The joke seems to relax Bree, which is good because I'm pretty sure she was about to have a coronary over the idea of another neighbor who can't make a cake. She quickly offers to help Robin make the cake. "Yay! You rock, Bree!" says Robin. She gives Bree a huge hug and then whips out her camera phone so she can take a picture of Bree and make her the new screensaver on her phone. Neither of these things appeal to Bree in any way. I can't say I blame her.

Sometime later, Robin declares the raspberry mocha cake they made the coolest cake she's ever seen. It is a really sweet cake; it looks and sounds delicious. I want to take it from the screen and eat it. If only TV was interactive in that way. A girl can dream, can't she? Bree casually mentions that it's Orson's favorite cake as she starts to clean up. "I talked to him at the party," says Robin. "He's nice. It must be tough having him in a wheelchair." Playing her cards close to her chest, Bree simply agrees, "It's been challenging." Not picking up on Bree's discomfort, Robin continues, "Well they say you can get through anything if you have a solid marriage." All Bree can manage to say is: "Yes, well..."

Immediately, Robin realizes that she's struck a nerve and apologizes. Bree accepts and then sums up what's been going on as: "Let's just say that before the accident there were issues and now we're trying to put the pieces back together." Curious, Robin asks which piece Bree can't find.

"Ah, now you are prying," says Bree, but Robin thinks their cake baking qualifies as a true binding experience. "Look," she says, "my grandmother always said if you wanna save your marriage there's only one room to do it in. The bedroom." Bree understands, but says that their problem isn't a lack of sex but a lack of intimacy. Robin laughs. "Oh honey. Sex is how men get intimate." Bree mentions that she's not sure that Orson is even capable of sex any longer. Man, you'd think that would be something she'd ask about in the beginning. He's been home for over a month now. "Oh it doesn't matter," says Robin. "His brain still works, he can see you, he can feel you touch him, he can hear what you say to him. You know, I used to have this customer: ninety-two years old, in a wheelchair. I used to have to push his oxygen tank out of the way to give him a lap dance." Ugh. I so didn't need that mental image. Where'd that cake go? Bring that back into the forefront of my mind. Poor Bree isn't even sure that Orson is still interested in sex. Man, she should talk to Gaby and Lynette; they'd clue her in on the constant horniness of men. Robin says that Bree should find out for sure.

Later, Bree arrives home from the Bar Mitzvah to find Orson reading and listening to the Arabian Dance section of Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker Suite. He asks her how the function went and she says that it was the same as always. She asks how his day was. "Oh, I passed the time reading." What happened to the trip to the park? Did Roy flake out? "Well I suppose I should get out of these clothes," mentions Bree and she heads for the stairs. She doesn't get very far before turning around to comment on how much she loves Tchaikovsky. Orson agrees, calling the piece "sensual." A light bulb practically appears above Bree's head.

What follows is possibly the funniest Bree scene of the entire series. Nothing I write here can possibly do it justice, so if you're going to watch just one scene in this episode I'd suggest this one. Of course, I'll give it a shot anyway. Here we go:

Back to Orson, Bree sets down her clutch and unties her silk scarf. Slowly, she pulls it away from her neck and extends her hand into the air before releasing the item. At this point, Orson isn't even paying attention. Next Bree drops her coat from her shoulders with flair, even tossing her hair a little. With one hand she raises the coat into the air, planting her other hand dramatically on her hip and then dropping the coat to the floor. Orson glances at her out of the corner of his eye. "Don't you want to do that upstairs? You know, near the hamper?"

"Actually," says Bree, taking a little breath of courage and flipping her hair with her hands, "I'd rather do it right here." On the word "here" she finally turns and gives Orson a coy smile. Awkwardly, she starts to walk toward him, raising and wiggling each hip with every step she takes. She looks like a baby animal taking its first steps. "Why are you walking like that?" asks Orson. Bree kicks her shoes across the room and asks, "Why do you think?" Orson: "I'm not sure. You're trying to make me feel better about being paralyzed?" By this time, Bree's also added a shoulder wriggle into her sexy walk. She finally reaches Orson and straddles his chair, making sure to put on the break. "Guess again, big boy."

Bree starts to shake her chest in Orson's face. The movement is stilted and she looks like she's convulsing. "Well if you're having a stroke," says Orson, "we're going to make quite the team." Ignoring this, Bree backs away from Orson while making wave-like hand gestures; it's almost like she's playing a ninja. "Oh," she squeaks. "I do believe it's getting a little hot in here." She even fans herself with her hand and then turns around to pull her sweater over her head. Orson cocks his head to the side, completely baffled. Unfortunately for Bree, her sweater gets caught on her earring and she's stuck with her arms in the air, head trapped within the sweater. Orson asks if she's okay and Bree says that she is, just to give her a minute and enjoy the music. She takes a few steps, still doing her strange shimmy, and simultaneously tries to get the sweater off of her head. "Let me help," says Orson. He undoes his break and wheels over toward Bree, despite her protestations otherwise. Because she's moving and can't see, Orson accidentally runs over her bare toes. "Ow!" shouts Bree as she trips and falls to the floor. Orson apologizes and shuts off the music.

"I told you I didn't need any help!" shouts Bree from the floor, finally getting her sweater off. She throws it across the room, pouting. "Forget it. This was stupid!" Orson still hasn't gotten the point. "What was that?" he asks. Bree leaps to her feet and angrily cries, "What do you think? It was a lap dance!" Orson: "That was a lap dance?" Bree: "I was trying to arouse you." Orson: "You are aware I'm in a wheelchair?" Does that mean he can't get it up? That's a real shame. Bree mentions that she thought Orson might still be interested even if he is in a wheelchair. So maybe that part of his anatomy does still work? I'm not entirely clear on this. Orson admits that "After the accident I just never thought you would ever consider..." Helplessly, Orson trails off and Bree finally realizes why he's so reluctant.

"Orson," she says, "things will be awkward at first, but we can work on it. You're my husband. I want to be close to you. I want to share your bed again even if it means just holding your hand before you fall asleep." That is so sweet. It almost makes me forget the first part of this season when Bree was running around with Karl. In light of how great this plotline is compared to that, it makes me all the more angry that Karl was used as such a prop and then discarded. In retrospect, his relationship with Bree seems almost meaningless, which is kind of crazy considering they were pretty much engaged before the plane crash. It makes me feel as though the entire affair story was mishandled and we're just supposed to forget it now. Don't get me wrong, I'd much, much rather watch this than anything else they've given to Bree and Orson this year, but I'm disappointed that Karl was killed just to get us here.

Tearfully, Orson beckons Bree to come over to him. She slowly walks to him and sits down on his lap. "Is this alright?" she asks timidly. Orson clicks back on the music. "Let's see," he says softly. "I've got Tchaikovsky on the radio, my wife in my arms...yes, this is alright." Almost in tears, Bree nuzzles Orson's head with her own.

Commercials.

Gabrielle and The Stripper

Ana sits on the Solises' porch giggling into the telephone. I'm glad her phone-in psychic had good news for her...oh, wait, she's talking to Danny. Never mind. Inside the house, Carlos and Gaby spy out the window. "She and Danny spent the whole day together; what's left to say?" asks Gaby as she sets the table. Carlos shakes his head. He decides they should forbid Ana to talk to Danny. And then I literally have to pause to say: holy sleeves, Carlos! He's wearing a large button-down shirt that has the cuffs rolled up and they're huge! They're like wings! It's absolutely ridiculous-looking. Plus those stripes on his shirt aren't doing much for him either. I'm shocked that Gaby hasn't burned this shirt while Carlos isn't looking.

Anyway...

Gaby nixes the forbidden romance idea. "Besides, what would we say?" she asks. "We overheard his parents talking and we think they're evil?" Heh. "What do you think the Bolens did?" asks Carlos. Gaby has no idea. In what I agree is the oddest part of this of all, Carlos mentions that he doesn't understand how they have money when Nick doesn't work. That is weird. How much is Bree paying Angie anyway? And what did they do for all the years before that? Gaby speculates that perhaps they're drug dealers or gun runners. "Whatever they are," says Carlos, "I don't want Ana anywhere near that family." They end up back where they started: Carlos insisting they force Ana to break up with Danny and Gaby saying it won't work. I'm going with Gaby on this one, Carlos. Gaby says they need a better plan.

Cut to sometime later as Gaby bursts into Ana's bedroom where Ana is studying her own reflection. Wow, Ana is really dull. "I've got big news!" exclaims Gaby, almost dancing into the room. There's a weird picture of a horse on the wall behind Ana. Someone doesn't have much decorating sense. Gaby says that she just got a call from an old friend of hers in New York, Luke Rayfield, who used to be a starving photographer but is now some big hotshot modeling agent. "He's always looking for new talent," explains Gaby, "so I sent him your picture and...Wait for it! Wait for it! He wants to represent you." Ana shrieks and I regret not taking my headphones off. Immediately, Ana says she has to call Danny. Gaby tells her that Danny can wait, grabbing the phone out of Ana's hand and chucking it across the room. "We need to go buy you some new luggage. They want you in New York immediately." Man, what was Gaby holding over this guy's head that he would sign up Ana sight unseen? Wouldn't it be great if this was all a ruse to trap her in some convent for bad girls like Bree did with Danielle?

"Now?" asks Ana. "But don't I have to finish high school?" Gaby digs back into her homeschooling expertise to tell Ana: "World War II, Germany lost. Korean War, Korea Lost. Vietnam War, we lost. Happy graduation!" Is that all I needed to know to graduate high school? Damn! I wasted so much time! Gaby laughs at herself and starts to head out of the room, but Ana doesn't follow. "What's wrong?" asks Gaby, seeing that Ana suddenly looks a whole lot less excited. "I don't think I can go just yet," says Ana. It turns out that she and Danny have a plan to go to New York together when she graduates. Well that's wonderful. But Danny is already eighteen and done with high school, so doesn't that plan entirely hinge on her schooling? If Gaby's giving her permission to ditch the rest of high school then can't she and Danny just bump up the timeline of their plan? Ana is an idiot.

Later that afternoon, Gaby sits in Susan's kitchen bitching about Ana. She actually does a pretty mean impression of her: "'Danny and I are moving to New York after I graduate. We're in love. Mwah mwah mwah mwah.' Ugh, pour me some more wine before I throw up!" Robin enters the kitchen and asks what's wrong; Susan sums up without mentioning anything about why Gaby wants to do this for Ana. So I'd venture a guess that Gaby didn't tell Susan the details. Robin says that Ana's decision is a bad call. "I used to take ballet," she explains, "and I was pretty good at it too. And one time this instructor from a big ballet company saw me perform and well, long story short, two days later they offered me a job." Susan: "What happened?" Robin: "Bobby Butterfield happened." Bobby Butterfield? Wow. The writers must have come up with that around the same time they came up with cynical lug-nut. "Oh I was crazy about him," Robin continues. "I thought it was gonna last forever. So I passed on the job and two months later he dumped me for Louise McMullan and a month after that I got into a car accident, messed up my knee, and then it was goodbye tutu, hello tatas."

Susan sits, aghast at this tragedy Robin has just spun. Gaby, on the other hand, exclaims, "That is fantastic!" Susan: "Did we just hear the same story?" Gaby ignores her. "You have got to tell that story to Ana. Putting off your dreams and then having your life spiral down the crapper? It couldn't be more perfect!" The others look confused by Gaby, but Robin agrees to talk to Ana if Gaby thinks it would help. "Great!" says Gaby. "And don't be afraid to turn on the waterworks. Nothing sells pathetic like stripper tears." By now, Susan has had enough. She looks at Gaby and says, "Maybe it would help if I started taping you so you could hear what it is you say."

On a rainy day, Gaby and Ana lug big, awkward, Pepto Bismol-colored suitcases up the front steps. Gaby's giving Ana some modeling advice, so this all clearly indicates that Ana bought Robin's tale of woe. Suddenly, Danny runs up calling Ana's name. "Where have you been?" he asks. "I've been texting you." Ana says she was just about to come over when Danny spots the luggage. "Oh, taking a trip?" he asks, and then he literally laugh-snorts like that's funny. Wow. Just wow. I don't have anything else to say. Gaby and Ana exchange a look and Gaby dismisses herself so Ana can talk to Danny.

A couple minutes later, Gaby spies out the window as Ana and Danny yell at one another about her moving to New York. She sports a victorious grin. And it only grows when Ana tells Danny that maybe they shouldn't be together if he can't support her.

The next day, Robin jogs down the street when Gaby hollers her name. She stops and Gaby runs down her stairs to talk to her. "I've been meaning to thank you," says Gaby. "Your little speech to Ana worked like a charm. I just took her to the airport." Robin is happy she helped, but asks why Ana was fighting with Danny the day before. Wow, Robin really fits right in as far as being a nebby neighbor: watching Lynette and Tom have hot monkey sex; butting into Bree's love life; now spying on Ana and Danny. She's practically a pro. "They were breaking up," explains Gaby. Robin is surprised to learn they were dating and even more surprised when Gaby tells her that getting Ana and Danny to break up was her ulterior motive. Robin is upset and tells Gaby that she doesn't like being used, but Gaby doesn't really listen. Instead she thanks her again, tells her she owes her big time, and walks away. It's then that Robin notices Danny working on his bike in his garage. She goes over to him and says that they need to talk. Danny tries to beg off, but Robin insists.

That night, Gaby gets off of the phone and reports to Carlos that Luke says Ana is settling in just fine. "And the best part is she's miles away from the nearest Bolen," says Carlos. He and Gaby toast to that. Unfortunately right outside, a taxi pulls up to the Bolens' to pick up Danny. Let's hope he's smart enough to figure out that by "New York" they mean "New York City" and that he doesn't end up in Rochester or something. Or better yet, let's hope that we never see him or Ana again.

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Susan and The Stripper

Haven't we had enough of Susan and The Stripper? Last week was all about them. Must we watch another plot with them? Really? Okay, fine.

Mike arrives home to find Susan unpacking a take-out dinner. Judging by her and Robin's clothing, it's the same day that Gaby came over to complain about Ana. Behind Susan, Robin sets the table. Susan hands Mike a really unappetizing-looking hamburger and Mike leans down to kiss her. I guess this is gourmet to him. Unfortunately, he twinges his back as he does so and Susan grows concerned. "I spent all day working in a crawl space," explains Mike. Wow, that sounds horrid. "Aw," says Susan sympathetically. "I'll call the chiropractor first thing in the morning." Overhearing this, Robin mentions that she can fix Mike right up. Before Mike can protest, Robin manhandles him into position and cracks his back. "Oh my God!" exclaims Mike. "It's gone! The pain's gone!" Susan grins, really impressed. Her cure would have been to give Mike a scotch and make him sleep in the guest bedroom. Wow, how kind of you, Suse. Mike is incredibly appreciative; Robin says it's the least she can do and gives Mike a big hug. Suddenly Susan's wacko-sensors go off and she gives them a dirty look.

The next day, Susan arrives home with groceries and brags that they won't be eating fast food tonight. She stops short from saying what she did get for dinner--although it involves microwaving--when she walks into the living room and finds Robin standing on Mike's back. She's wearing tiny shorts and a sports bra. From the floor, Mike says his back went out again and now Robin is performing some Buddhist monks-style massage. Susan clearly isn't happy, and Mike has the smarts to pick up on this. "Is there a problem, babe?" he asks. Susan lies and says there isn't, and both Mike and Robin are dumb enough to believe her. Quickly, Susan exits and heads to the kitchen to make dinner.

In the kitchen, Susan starts to unpack her groceries. From the other room, she can still hear Mike and Robin; he's moaning and they're both exclaiming things that could be taken sexually: "Wow, you're really stiff", and "Oh, you're the boss", and "I'm gonna grab it and pull." All the while, Susan babbles on about how she ran into someone at the grocery store who told her this disgusting story about her husband having diarrhea. The contrast is supposed to be funny, but mostly I'm finding Susan too ridiculous. She knows that they're not having sex in there; why is she acting like they are? Finally, she gets fed up when Mike starts yelling, "Oh yes! Oh yes!" over and over again and she runs back into the living room. From the look on her face, she seems ready to scream, "Ah-ha!" while they writhe on the floor in passion. Except that all that's going on is a little leg stretching. "This is incredible," Mike says to Susan. "Those monks really know what they're doing." Susan laughs uncomfortably; "Yeah. When do they find time to pray?"

A day or so later, Mike comes home to find Susan about to leave to go make sandwiches for the homeless. Right. Passing by that one. Susan heads for the door when she notices that Mike has hurt his back again. Jeez. Maybe he really should get some professional help. You know, before he gets addicted to pain pills again or something. Susan offers him a heating pad, but Mike says he'll just wait for Robin. This is the wrong thing to say to the crazy that is Susan. Immediately, she offers to crack his back.

Despite arguing that this isn't a good idea, Mike allows Susan to whip him around into the same original position Robin put him in. Already he complains that she's being rough with him. She tells him to take a deep breath and she starts to count to three. We don't see what happens, but the next shot is of Mike in the hospital, sporting a nifty neck brace. "You know, if you hadn't moved when I said three..." says Susan instead of apologizing profusely. Mike smiles indulgently and Susan leaves the room.

Robin arrives with MJ, who my sister declares is looking buff these days. "Can I see him?" asks MJ. Susan agrees and ushers him into the room, asking him to please not climb on the bed. Alone in the hallway, Robin wonders why Susan didn't wait for her to get home to fix Mike's back. Susan says that she wanted to do it herself. "Oh, okay," says Robin with a little shrug. There's an awkward pause, and then Susan says, "I'm lying. I didn't want to do it. I just really wanted you not to do it." Unsurprisingly, Robin doesn't understand. Don't feel bad, Robin. Except for omniscient Mary Alice, no one understands Susan.

"God, I've been trying really hard to be cool about all this," says Susan. "But when I walked in and I saw you all over Mike..." Robin: "When I was cracking his back?" Susan nods and Robin says she was just trying to help. "While you were wearing next to nothing!" Susan nearly yells. "And straddling my husband! How was I supposed to react? You used to be a stripper!" For the first time in this episode, Robin looks truly hurt. She turns away from Susan, nearly ready to cry, and Susan tells her not to cry because "strippers are supposed to be tough!"

"Stop calling me that!" demands Robin. "Yes, I was a stripper. But you know what? You were the only person who never treated me like one. Until now." Robin goes on to apologize for crossing a line with Mike; she says it's hard to tell where the line is after so many years of working in the club. Finally, Susan admits that she overreacted. "Maybe I should move out," suggests Robin. Susan tells her that she doesn't have to, but Robin thinks that in order for them to stay friends she has to leave. Just then, Mike groans loudly and MJ pops out of the room and says, "Daddy needs help making the bed go back down!"

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Katherine and The Stripper

Robin knocks on Katherine's door so she can drop off some mail that was delivered to the Delfinos' by mistake. "I'm Robin," she reintroduces herself to Katherine. "We met at your party." Katherine is like, "Uh, yeah, I'm crazy, not stupid." "How's it going?" asks Robin when Katherine doesn't respond the way she obviously expected. Katherine figures out that Robin found out about her trip to the loony bin and admits that things have been difficult since she got back, what with her big empty house and people staring and judging her. Robin tells her to ignore them and Katherine laughs and tries to get away. I don't exactly blame her. Before Katherine can escape, Robin mentions that she's looking for a room to rent if Katherine is interested. She reminds Katherine that people will pay less attention to her with a stripper living in her house. Katherine laughs again, now somewhat enchanted.

A day or two later, Robin and Katherine stand in her kitchen unpacking her boxes. Katherine is excited; she hasn't had a female roommate since right after college. Robin says they should go out and have a drink to celebrate, but Katherine isn't so sure. "Even being over at Gaby's house the other day it's...It's just hard." Robin gets that, and then randomly asks Katherine what the mental hospital was like. "You know," says Katherine reluctantly. "About as much fun as you would expect." Robin explains that she only asks since she always dreamed of having her mom committed. Apparently her mom used to abuse her to deal with Robin's Clint Eastwood-esque cheating father. Maybe she and Lynette should exchange war stories. This news upsets Katherine (considering her own past as an abused woman, that's not surprising) and she admits that the mental hospital was pretty horrible. "What I couldn't take were the people with the blank stares," explains Katherine. "There was this one woman who sat frozen in the garden all day whispering the words to 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm' over and over and over." Sensing how dark the mood has gotten, Robin jokes, "Did the doctors ever taken offense when she got to 'here a quack, there a quack, everywhere a quack-quack?'" Katherine nearly splits a seam laughing. This, finally, gets Katherine to agree to a night out.

At a bar somewhere, Katherine asks Robin to share what it was like to be a stripper since she shared her war stories about the hospital. "It was brutal," says Robin. "If I had a dollar for every guy who slapped me on my butt just because he felt like it...Come to think of it, I do!" But I thought she wasted all her stripper money on glitter! I feel so lied to; so should Susan. Suddenly the girls are interrupted by a rather dorky guy who wants to know if they'll join him and his friend at their table. Robin says it's a girls' night out, but after he walks away, Katherine mentions that she'd really like to go have a drink with them. After a moment, Robin agrees to do it for Katherine.

Later, both of the guys grill Robin about how she keeps her hair so lustrous and shiny. Their flirting is possibly worse than that of the neighborhood men at the beginning. They ask Robin what she does, and Robin begs off, using it as an excuse to pimp Katherine; apparently Katherine is thinking about starting her own catering business. For real? Wow, the results the that competition with Bree should be hilarious. The guys don't care and start to guess what Robin's profession might be. Katherine can't take it any more and blurts out that Robin is a stripper. Robin looks hurt and Katherine quickly amends, "Ex-stripper. Sorry." The guys go from flirting to pervy in a matter of seconds and Robin says that she and Katherine should probably get going. The guys want to dance with her; Robin says she can't speak for Katherine, but she doesn't want to dance. Nope. The guys only want to dance with Robin. "You're not attracted to someone who's classy, witty, not to mention breathtakingly beautiful?" asks Robin. The one guy says that Robin is more his type, so Robin says she'll keep Katherine to herself and turns to lay a big kiss right on Katherine's lips. If anything, this just riles the guys more, but the girls simply leave. Katherine even sashays a little as she walks away. Maybe she should give Bree lessons.

Back at home, the ladies laugh over the looks on the guys' faces as they left. Still, Katherine says that the night convinced her that she needs to give up on guys. "It's official," says Katherine, "my dating days are over!" Robin slyly says that Katherine doesn't need to quit dating altogether; she can explore other options like Robin did. When Katherine doesn't pick up on what she means she has to spell it out: "Date chicks." Katherine is taken aback to find out that Robin is a lesbian. Robin explains that after dating men for years and not enjoying it, she started to work as a stripper and realized that she was much more attracted to the confident, sexy strippers around her. Unfortunately for Robin, Katherine is pretty sure that being with men is right for her. "Suit yourself," says Robin.

Robin stands to go up to bed and asks if Katherine is going to be okay living with her after her little confession. Katherine says it should be fine, but looks a little worried as she takes another sip of her wine.

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Robin

Robin walks down the street and runs into Mrs. McCluskey. Karen asks if the neighborhood has been treating Robin well and Robin says that things have been okay. "No one's been giving you any guff about being a stripper, are they?" asks Karen. Robin says no. "I just wanna make sure, 'cause trust me, I've been there. Way back when I was sort of in the sex trade myself. Oh yeah. I used to model women's foundation garments for Sears-Roebuck. These breasts put me through college." Wow. I'd kind of love to see the other characters' reactions to that little anecdote. Karen sums up that she's glad the neighbors are treating Robin nicely. Robin says that the best part is that the people of Wisteria Lane really see her, not just her superficial beauty. "I'm glad," says Karen and Robin nods and continues down the street.

"Robin Gallagher," says Mary Alice, "was right. The people she had met on Wisteria Lane had really looked at her. And they had seen her sense of morality," (she walks past Gaby) "her loyal heart," (past Susan) "her surprising insight," (past Bree) "her forgiving nature," (past Lynette). "Some people had even taken notice of her incredible beauty." Robin walks up Katherine's front stairs where Katherine sits on the porch doing needlepoint. They smile at one another. "And they were surprised to discover they liked what the saw." Oh la la. How risque.

Next week: Tom and Lynette forgot Penny's birthday. Celia gets chicken pox and Gaby leaves the house to stay with Bob and Lee. Katherine gets hot and bothered by Robin. And Roy kisses Susan. Interesting.