Season Seven, Episode Two: "You Must Meet My Wife"
Keith is fixing little Juanita Maybe-Not-A-Solis' bike outside of Bree's house while Bree watches like a creeper from her upstairs window. Instead of pointing this out, Mary Alice comes in to say, "It had been a long time since Bree Van de Kamp was a little girl." Is it wrong that I'm kind of glad that Bree decided to go back to her original married name? Anyway, Bree steps away from the window, tightening whatever robe/jumpsuit she's wearing and sits down at a vanity as Mary Alice gets to the point: "But she could still remember everything she'd ever been told about sex." Cue flashbacks.
We see the back of a little red head with pink pigtails as an older woman furiously mixes something in a bowl. "Her grandmother informed her it was a woman's burden," says Mary Alice. Cut to the back of Bree's head number two--probably in her early teens now--sitting in church listening to a man on the pulpit. "Her minister warned her it was a sin." And finally, Bree sits in a classroom listening to a teacher (who seems to be dressed much too modernly for what would have been the 70s) talk about venereal diseases. "Her teacher taught her it was unhealthy." Back in the present day, Bree finishes pinning up her hair as Mary Alice summarizes, "Yes, everyone had told Bree her sexual urges were dangerous..." Bree steps outside, her hair now down for some reason, and stops short as she sees Keith sawing away at some wood. "...but no one had ever told her how to get rid of them." I would suggest boinking him, Bree.
Keith greets Bree, but she simply tells him she's off to the bank; he stops her with a hand to the arm and drags her over to look at the wood. "Whole new idea," he says. "I want to panel the study in this." Ew, that's pretty ugly. Apparently it's 200-year-old birch wood. Well, whatever floats your boat, guys. He makes Bree stroke the wood, taking her hand and running it over the plank. "You know what they call this? Witness wood. 'Cause it's seen so much history." HA! That is so lame. Lamer than his ensuing joke about sleeping through history class. Bree snatches her hand away and flees to her car.
"Yes, when Bree was a little girl, she'd been taught her sexual urges were dangerous," says Mary Alice as Bree--and the camera--ogle Keith's ass. Bree fastens her seatbelt and quickly backs up, running over something as she does. Leaping from the car, she hurries around to find poor little Juanita lying on the ground all banged up. "Unfortunately, she was about to learn those urges were dangerous for everyone." Sheesh.
I'm kind of conflicted about this plot for Bree. I mean, I get that she's all repressed, but she openly admitted to loving sex (to the wonderful Dr. Goldfine), had a very loving relationship with Orson up until everything went to hell, and then dallied around with Karl for the better part of last year. There has been a definite sexual progression of Bree throughout the seasons, and I feel like it's a bit of a backward step to have her go back to suppressing her urges. All she did last year was give into her desires, and she never really seemed to regret it (remember that whole episode with the maid judging her and Bree decided she didn't care?). Again, I wish that they had done more with Bree following Karl's death. That affair seems more and more arbitrary every day, not to mention Karl's death (which has been pointless from the start). Oh well.
Wee little credits.
We come back in a busy hospital as Mary Alice gets to her real theme of the week. "The doctors and nurses at Fairview Hospital are experts at healing," she says as we close in on a man with a cast. "They can set bones..." A woman walks down the hall with her whole hand wrapped in gauze. "...bandage wounds..." A doctor gives a little old lady some pills to swallow. "...and treat diseases." The camera swings around to the waiting room where Andrew, Bree, Mrs. McCluskey and Lynette are waiting. Okay, most random group ever. "Sadly, one thing they don't know how to heal is a guilty conscience." Bree paces to let us know she feels guilt.
"I don't know what happened. She just came out of nowhere," Bree cries as Lynette soothes her (though we all know that Lynette would have gone crazy if this had happened to one of her kiddos). Andrew backs up Lynette by saying that Juanita was talking when she got in the ambulance and he's sure everything is fine. "And I just spoke to one of the nurses," adds Karen. "She seemed pretty positive." Very suddenly, we hear Paul say, "Well that's a relief," as the camera moves around to show him walking into the waiting room. I probably don't need to mention this, but the little group is stunned that he's there. "I heard about the accident so I rushed right over. That's what neighbors do, right?" he smarms not so subtly. Oh Paul, you have such a unique brand of crazy. I wish they would add another layer to his hatred of the neighborhood by having him blame them for Mary Alice's death (since that's what led to his incarceration). It would actually make a lot more sense than him just being pissed that they never visited him while he was in jail.
Anyway, Bree and Lynette make a veiled attempt at politeness to cover their shock while Karen directly tells Paul that he doesn't have to hang around since there's nothing they can do. "We can pray," says Paul, holding out his hands. Everyone makes a second grade "ew, cooties!" face, but they slowly join hands. Immediately Paul launches into this prayer: "Dear Lord, we ask that you be with this young child and with the doctors caring for her. That she may be returned in full health to her loving family. Amen." The hilarious part is that while he's praying, Bree mouths to Lynette, "What is he doing?" and Lynette mouths back, "I don't know!" and Karen shrugs incredulously. Their sidebar conversation while Paul has his head bowed in prayer is amazing. Anyway, they quickly pretend they were listening and add amens as Paul finishes. Strangely, Paul dismisses himself right after that, saying that he has to go meet someone. Bizarre. "Dear Lord," says Karen after he leaves, "please don't let that creep ever touch me again." Lynette: "Amen." HA!
Suddenly, Gaby storms into the room, all tiny and powerful, but very calm. She tells the group that Juanita is going to be fine, but that they're keeping her a couple of days for observation (she also gives some exposition: Carlos is on a business trip). Then she drags Bree and Andrew into another room, waving and exclaiming to Lynette and Karen as she goes, "Thanks for coming! I feel so blessed to have such wonderful..." As the door shuts, Gaby whips around and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you people? First you take out my mother-in-law then you go after my daughter! Are you trying to kill off every Juanita Solis on the planet?!" HAHA! Best line of the episode. Congrats, Gaby.
Bree stutters excuses about it being a coincidence and adds that she's sorry, but Juanita just came out of nowhere. "Have you seen my daughter? She never comes out of nowhere," snarks Gaby. Bree doesn't quite know what to say to this (and really, can you blame her), so Andrew takes advantage of the awkward pause to step in and thank Gaby for not telling Carlos about his big secret (as if Gaby did it for him in any way, shape or form). Gaby: "I'm gonna give you that one 'cause I wasn't fond of her, but as for the rest of my family: learn to swerve!" Hee! She flies from the room, a ferocious little cloud, and Andrew casually asks Bree why this keeps happening. "I don't know," says Bree. "Maybe God's punishing us." This doesn't fly with Andrew, who jokes, "Or, God is punishing the Solises and we're just doing God's work." That's classy, Andrew.
Anyway, Bree still feels guilty and says that she shouldn't have been fiddling with the radio. I'm glad to hear that she came up with a respectable excuse; for a minute there, I was worried that her reputation might be tarnished. Andrew is not so easily fooled, however, and says that he saw Bree from across the street "checking out Keith's ass." Did he have binoculars or something? It's kind of hard to believe that he could see her staring at Keith's butt from across the street while she was in her car. Maybe his new job is being a creepy stalker. Anyway, Bree denies this (surprise, surprise), insisting that it was the radio. "Okay, fine," acquiesces Andrew. "But while we're talking about the radio, you do know that that particular model is like fifteen years too young for you, right?" Is that guy really fifteen years younger than Bree? He looks a lot older. I guess it doesn't matter what I think, because the comment hits home for Bree.
Unfortunately, we cut to Susan, who is in her apartment vacuuming in her lingerie in front of the computer. Yes, that's right, her "porn" career has begun. I'm really beginning to wonder if Teri Hatcher put some kind of nudity clause into her contract; between this season and last she has been featured in her undies a lot. But you know what, I don't particularly want to see it. Also, her botoxed face is really terrifying in this episode. Right now I have it paused and she looks like a dead fish; it is not pretty. Ugh. I have to say, if any of the other ladies partake in this whole botox thing, they're doing a much better job of it than Teri Hatcher is.
Okay, time to dive into this mess of a plot. Susan is very awkward in front of the camera, trying to cover her breasts and pull her nightie down over her ass. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door; it's Maxine, so Susan turns off the camera and rushes to the door. Thankfully, she also puts on a robe so I don't have to see any more of her lingerie. Maxine is there to criticize Susan's performance. It was too dull, so Maxine decides to give her a few pointers. She takes Susan's vacuum and starts thrusting it and her breasts toward the camera. Then she hurries over to the duster and shakes her ass as she dusts. "And what have we here?" she asks as she runs to the table and starts rubbing away the smudges with her boobs. Maxine tells her to loosen up and play into the fantasy. "I want to," says Susan. "I just can't stop thinking about all those men out there watching me." Oh Susan, you've slept with half of them anyway; what's the big deal?
Maxine tells Susan she should be flattered because those men are spending their money to see "the perfect woman." This whole plot seems very Lifetime movie to me. Down-on-her-luck housewife turns to pornography to save her family. There will be a lot of tears and yelling; the whole neighborhood will turn out to judge her. You can see it, can't you? Anyway, Maxine derobes Susan and tells her that she has all of the power. Then they practice the vacuum move together.
Over at the Scavos', Penny is doing homework while Renee is on the phone yelling at her husband about divorce settlements and breast implants. As Renee hangs up, Lynette tries to subtly point out that her preteen daughter is in the room, but Renee shrugs it off by saying that Penny will be dating soon enough. She asks Penny what she's learned from her about marriage and Penny dutifully stands up and says, "Never sign a prenup." Penny Scavo, ladies and gentlemen, who is out of the room after one line.
The front door opens and Tom shuffles into the house, apparently home from work early. "I'm not feeling well," he says pitiably as Lynette reaches up to feel his forehead (first with her hand and then, adorably, with her cheek). "Again?" she asks. "That's the third time this week." Then she adds that he needs to go to the doctor. Tom says that he's fine--he's just going to lie down and watch TV--so Lynette asks him to please run to the grocery store for her. "I'm tired," whines Tom. "Can't you do it?" Hehehe. Cue Lynette's "are you serious?" face. "I'm a little busy right now. I have five kids and a useless house guest," she says as Tom groans. Hey buddy, you're the one who knocked her up four times and gave her the ultimate excuse; deal with it. "I need you functional," points out Lynette. She says that either Tom has to go to the doctor or he has to man up and help her. "Fine, I'll go tomorrow," Tom complains. "Man, the sympathy in here is just overwhelming." He leaves the room and Lynette sighs and turns to Renee with this "can you believe him?" expression. Unfortunately, Renee looks more like she can't believe Lynette.
"It's none of my business," says Renee, and Lynette turns around and mouths an exaggerated, "But..." which Renee, of course, says out loud. Hehe. Totally believable, even of two people who probably don't see each other very often. I can still predict my college roommate like that and we only see each other a handful of times a year. I love it. Anyway, Renee says that Lynette and Tom are starting to sound a lot like her and Doug. "I appreciate the concern," says Lynette, "but Tom and I always do that." Well that's true. Renee points out that she and Doug were always like that too and look at them now. "I'm telling you, we're fine," Lynette insists, and then she mouths, "If you say so," which Renee musically chimes right after. Hilariously, Lynette nods and gives a thumbs up like Renee did an excellent job. Awesome.
Across the street, Bree chats with Lee and Karen about Juanita's prognosis as Bob rushes over to join the group. Immediately, Lee begins snarking at Bob, complaining that he let their tomato plants wither just like their relationship. Hahaha. "Well that's what happens when you grow needy, whiny tomatoes," says Bob. Karen tells the boys that it's been a month; can't they just kiss "each other's moms" (??) and make up? Incredulous looks abound as Karen turns to Bree and asks, "Isn't that what they do?" Bree doesn't mention that this hasn't happened to her yet, but only because she's distracted by a strange blond woman stumbling down the middle of the street with a suitcase. "She looks lost," says Bob, prompting Lee to ask if they should help her. Suddenly the woman trips, dropping her suitcase and spilling the water from her fishbowl. "Son of a bitch!" she shrieks, and Lee nods that they should go help.
The group runs over to the girl (Francine from Gilmore Girls; how odd that one of Rory's classmates is now playing a real grown up), who struggles to pick up her fish and get him back in the bowl. She tells them that she's lost; she only had twenty bucks and so her cab couldn't get her to her destination. Karen asks if she was looking for Wisteria Lane, and blondie nods. "Is my fish moving?" she asks desperately while Bob asks who she's there to see. No one should be surprised that it's Paul, who very conveniently chooses that moment to jog over shouting, "Beth!" He stops and smiles at the neighbors. "Well," he says, "I see you've all met my wife." Shock!
Commercials.
Back at Bree's, Keith is shirtless when Bree walks in with her single bag of groceries. He apologizes for being half-naked and picks up a shirt, asking how Juanita is. Then he asks how Bree is. "I'm okay. How is the work coming?" she asks, trying to keep her eyes on her groceries. Then, d'oh; Keith put the shirt on backwards. He has to take it off and put it on again. How silly. Bree drops the milk at the sight of his abs and he, again, asks if she's okay. She says she's fine, but it's been a stressful day. "I think I know what you need," says Keith, finally getting his shirt on. He pulls Bree into a hug that she doesn't return, whispering platitudes, and Bree freaks out. "I have to let you go!" she shouts. "After you let me go...Everyone should just let go!" Well that last part doesn't even make sense, but Keith releases her and lets her retreat to a corner. "Are you firing me? Why?" he asks. Bree says that he's messy, gets paint everywhere, and wears too much cologne. Keith says he doesn't wear cologne; Bree: "That's just you?!" Haha. As dumb as this is, that was pretty funny. Anyway, Bree says she'll write him a check, but Keith says to just mail it and storms out.
Susan is in a different bathrobe, ushering Mike and MJ out of the door with kisses. She mentions that her first class isn't until eleven, so she has some time to work on her jewelry. So she just gets to drift into school whenever she wants? How is it that Susan's teaching plot becomes more unbelievable every season? Mike, idiot that he is, is impressed by Susan's determination to bring in more money. "You have no idea," she mutters predictably and she slams the door behind her guys.
Cut to a montage of Susan doing housework in the skankiest manner possible (thrusting and blowing and shaking and spanking). As she's wiping a table off with her ass, Mike suddenly waltzes back in; he forgot something and had to come back to get it. Susan lies that she was doing housework and got overheated, trying to turn off the computer, but Mike is distracted and wants to have sex. Right there. OMG! The zany antics. I can't stand it! Susan does some acrobatics, but finally turns off the computer with her foot.
Over in the house of five kids, Lynette comes into the kitchen and asks Renee if she's found a place to live yet (she's surfing the net for apartments). Can I take a second to add that it's kind of awesome that they've left both some baby weight and the bigger boobs on Felicity Huffman so she looks like she actually just had a baby? Usually these actresses go from pregnant to stick thin again in less than a minute, so I'm liking this nod to verisimilitude. Anyway, Renee has not found a place; all the ones within her budget are too small for her. She thinks that she should just move to Fairview. Immediately, Lynette's voice goes up and she does her lying laugh as she tells Renee that she's a New Yorker, not a suburbanite. "You love the theater, museums...you said yourself you can't even get a decent up of coffee around here." Renee: "No, I meant here, Lynette. Really, how hard is it to clean the pot?"
Before Lynette can convince Renee to go far, far away, Tom arrives home from the doctor and asks if he can speak to Lynette privately. He drags her into the dining room and tells her to sit down. "Tom, you are scaring me. What is it?" she asks. But, instead of revealing that he has some life-threatening illness, Tom blows out a sigh and says he has postpartum depression. Lynette: "Come again?" Haha.
"I know it sounds weird, but it's a recognized problem for fathers my age. I've got all the classic symptoms: headaches, mood swings, fatigue..." says Tom seriously. "Wow," breathes Lynette. "Tell me, did he check you for a yeast infection while he was down there too?" Hehehe. I will admit, she could be taking this a little more to heart, but I almost don't blame her for reacting this way after Tom made such a big stink leading up to it. He acted like he was going to reveal that he had cancer or something, and given this family's history with serious illnesses, I can see why she's underwhelmed by this.
Tom hands Lynette a pamphlet titled "The Bitter Seed" (HA!) and asks her to read it over before she judges him. "Yeah, I'm not buying it," says Lynette. "Show me one stretch mark, one chapped nipple and we'll talk about your postpartum." Tom argues that it's a legitimate medical condition and that Lynette was the one who insisted he go to the doctor, but she says she only wanted him to so he'd be of some use. "Not so you could take long baths or get in some extra naps." Hahaha. Tom begs her to read the whole pamphlet, but the baby starts crying. Lynette says she has to go take care of her other baby and runs up the stairs. Meanwhile in the other room, Renee eavesdrops. And judges. Can't forget that.
Commercials.
Paul and Beth are enjoying a tasty dinner shrouded in awkward silence. They both go to speak at the same time, but Beth wins, blurting out that she likes the house. Paul agrees that it's nice, but that it needs a woman's touch. "Oh, I don't have much experience with decorating," stutters Beth. "If I so much as moved a chair Mama would throw a fit." Oh good. She has a nutty mom. There's something different. Paul says she must be glad to be away from the crazy, and Beth agrees.
The conversation turns to how Paul never thought the day would come when he could reach out and actually touch Beth. "I didn't either," she says, awkwardly patting his hand. Paul adds that the only thing he'll miss about prison is her letters, and then segues into mentioning that he wanted the night to be special since the prison didn't allow "conjugal visits." Oh! Paul's getting it on. Man, Mary Alice has been dead for about thirteen years now; that is a long time to go without sex.
"About that," says Beth. "I can't wait to start cooking for you and making things nice around here, but there are certain other wifely duties that I don't want to rush into." She adds that they're still getting to know each other and asks if Paul is upset. He lies that he's fine. "There's more to marriage than sex." Yeah, there's also lying and keeping secrets. Speaking of which...
Gaby tears through the nurse's station when a nurse asks to talk to her. Turns out there are some questions about Juanita, like is she allergic to any medications and "how old was she when you adopted her?" Oops. Gaby laughs and says, "I know it's hard to believe that the little acorn gave birth to the mighty oak, but I did." HA! Another great line. Seriously, Juanita is going to be taller than Gaby in another season. The nurse is a little thrown, and mentions that Gaby told her the other day that she and Carlos were type O blood and Juanita is type A. "Well two Os can't have an A," she says, and then something seems to dawn on her. "Oh, nevermind!" she chirps. Oops again.
Gaby wants to know what she meant by that, and the nurse condescendingly implies that Gaby must have had an affair. "Listen, nursie!" snaps Gaby. "I know you spend your day emptying bedpans and shaving the groins of senior citizens, but there's no drama here. I've been faithful to my husband! I have nothing to hide!" Gaby starts to walk away, then marches back and rips off the part of Juanita's records that offends her.
Renee is sitting at the kitchen table again (seriously, she's been there for just about every scene) when Lynette comes downstairs with the laundry. Renee yawns pretty pointedly and Lynette asks her if she had trouble sleeping. "I was up kind of late," she says. "Oy, that Tom sure can talk." Ugh. No one will be surprised to hear that this raises Lynette's ire, especially when Renee goes on to mention that Tom needed to talk to someone after the way things went yesterday. Then she says that the whole thing is none of her business. Double ugh. This is so passive aggressive it's slightly sickening.
Lynette insists that Renee tell her what happened. "Well, Tom feels that you don't listen to him," says Renee, as if we, and Lynette, haven't heard this a million times already. Lynette says she did listen--she heard Tom say that he has postpartum ("Also known by its initials: BS.")--but Renee points out that hearing is different than listening. "Okay," says Lynette. "Okay, you stop. I don't need you troubleshooting my marriage and I don't want you having any more of these little conversations with my husband." Direct and to the point; none of this passive aggressive shit. This is why I love Lynette. Renee agrees and then Lynette heads back toward the stairs, giving Renee time to mouth, "And I mean it," right before Lynette says it. Less cute knowing that Renee won't listen.
Gaby paces Juanita's hospital room when Susan comes in with a big card. "There you are!" she shouts. "I called you an hour ago!" Susan says she was at school and cheerfully hands Juanita the card, but Gaby has other things on her mind. Grabbing Susan by the arm, she yanks her out of the room and down the hall.
Once they're alone, Gaby asks Susan if she remembers the ski weekend they took eight years ago. You mean during season four, Gaby? Because for this timeline to make any sense, you must have found out you were pregnant with Juanita about two seconds after season four ended. And I can't quite see Susan skiing when she was heavily pregnant with MJ. But, okay, let's go with it. Susan says that she remembers; she also remembers the French guy they met who was flirting with Gaby. Gaby wants details: when did she get back to the hotel room that night? Susan says that it was light out. "Oh God," cries Gaby. "I think that Juanita might be French." HA! This makes no sense, but HA!
Commercials.
To my utter shock, Mary Alice rejoins us as a weary Carlos climbs out of his car that night. I can't remember the last time they used her voiceover mid-episode. I'm impressed. "When Carlos returned from his business trip," she says, "he stopped at the hospital to visit his daughter, who had been sleeping peacefully. Then he came home to see his wife, who had been plotting frantically." Carlos climbs into bed next to Gaby; she's pretending to be asleep. Slowly, she begins to roll around, eventually heaving herself on top of Carlos and making out with him. Then, suddenly, she shoves him away and gasps. "What? Carlos what were you doing?" she asks. Carlos says that she was the one making out with him, and Gaby groans, "Oh no! It's happening again." Carlos doesn't know what's going on, so Gaby explains that she has "sexomnia." Apparently it's like sleepwalking, only with sex. Hehehe.
Carlos can't believe this is going on. "Since when have you had that?" he asks. Gaby says she's had it since before the girls were born, but Carlos hasn't ever seen her do it before. "Well it mostly only happens when I'm really tired," she says. "Like when I work out too much or go skiing..." Hint hint. Carlos: "Well first thing tomorrow I'm checking out air fare to Aspen." HA! Leaning up, Carlos tries to go for it again, but Gaby says that this isn't a joke; she could have sex with anyone and not even know it. Carlos takes this news in stride; he still wants to have sex. "No, no, I'm too tired," says Gaby, rolling off of him. Then, sheepishly, she adds, "And ashamed." Hehehe.
The next morning, Bree is gardening when Mrs. McCluskey comes up to return a rake. Karen asks where Keith went and Bree tells her that she let him go. Cue several jokes about how hot Keith was, blah, blah, blah. "You mean at your age, you still have urges?" asks Bree. Oh Lord, this girl. "I'm not dead, Bree," snaps Karen. "I may like my bed and my food soft, but I like my men..." Bree cuts her off before she gets to the good stuff, and says that she was hoping that one day she'd outgrow her sexual urges. What a depressing thought. Most people probably hope they won't outgrow it.
Karen garners that that's why Bree fired Keith and Bree agrees that he's a distraction. "And I refuse to make a fool of myself," she says. Instead of saying it's because Keith is so much younger than her (which is where I thought this was headed), Bree says that her track record with men isn't the best; "Two dead, one in a wheelchair." Actually, three are dead if you count George. Or maybe you weren't counting Karl, since we pretend that never happened. Either way, it's three dead. "Bree, I can't tell you how to live your life. All I know is that not living your life isn't the answer," says Karen. She also adds that Bree needs to take some risks so she doesn't have a lifetime of regrets. Words of wisdom. Karen should publish a book.
Lynette arrives home that night laden with bags and the baby while Porter sits on the couch like a useless lump. "Don't feel like you have to help or anything," she says. Porter: "Cool." Oh my. The twins are twenty now. Force them to be responsible or kick them out; it's your right, sweetie. Lynette asks where Tom is, and Porter says he and Renee went out to dinner at the French place Tom likes. He also adds that they said Lynette could join them. Of course, Lynette is practically out the door already. She orders Porter to unload the groceries and watch his sister (what is her name?!); he says he has plans, but Lynette just leaves. HA! Suck on that, freeloader.
At the restaurant, Tom and Renee are deep in conversation when Lynette sidles into the booth next to her husband. Without more than a few pleasantries, she demands to know what they were talking about. "To be honest," says Tom, "I was talking about you and your tendency to be critical. And how frustrating it is to have my feelings invalidated whenever I bring up something you don't like." Lynette nods, but, once again, she's not really listening. She wants a sidebar with Renee, so the two of them leave the table and go across the room.
"Did I or did I not tell you to butt the hell out of my marriage?" asks Lynette the second they're out of earshot. Renee acts like she's totally innocent (just listening to Tom talk), but Lynette says that she was feeding Tom lines (like the one about invalidated feelings). "I was just trying to help," lies Renee, and Lynette calls her on it. "You need a project and since you're currently without a house to remodel, you've decided to put the wrecking ball to my marriage," says Lynette. She's practically in tears. "This is what you do," she goes on. "You take other people's lives apart for your own amusement and then you get the fun of putting them back together. Well I'm not letting you do it this time. My marriage is not some guest bedroom in your summer house." Wow. Good speech.
"Fine," says Renee. She's clearly both affronted by Lynette's accusations and a little overcome by how upset Lynette is. "Let's just say you're right and I'm a terrible person. But there's still a man in there who is in pain, and his wife won't listen to him! That's not my doing!" Without giving Lynette time to respond, Renee turns and heads back to the table. Harsh, yes, but also something that Lynette needed to hear. Not that I doubt that Renee is making this entire situation worse.
Commercials.
Susan plays with her webcam when Mike comes home with a bunch of yellow roses for her. He brought them home because he found out that Susan earned enough cash to make their car payment. "You're amazing," he says. "You teach, you bust your ass with this jewelry business, and then I come home yesterday and here you are, happy as can be, working to make this place a home. I'm so lucky to have a wife like you." They hug, and Susan looks at her webcam guiltily.
The next day, she sits at her kitchen table while her boss counts out her latest payment. "You know you're getting good at this," says Maxine. "I'm also getting good at lying to my husband," adds Susan. The yellow roses sit and judge her.
Elsewhere in Fairview, Bree enters a bar and finds Keith playing pool. Unsurprisingly, he's not thrilled to see her. She makes some excuses for her behavior the other day, not really apologizing, and asks him to come back. Then she gives him a slightly fearful smile. Hmm, I take it back. Maybe Marcia Cross has been frequenting the same botox lab as Teri Hatcher. Regardless, Keith launches into this long analogy about cars that ends with him comparing Bree to the high maintenance Mazarati. It is kind of awesome because he calls Bree a pain in the ass.
Bree says that she's actually a Sedan that's going through a divorce, but Keith doesn't really care. So Bree ups the stakes, telling Keith that she needs him because both she and her house are a mess. She adds that she thought Keith was going to help her put it all back together, but then revises that to say she just means the house. Because we all know that Bree can't hold it together without a man. Seriously, I'd really like to see Bree get her life into check without the aid of a man. The last time it happened (when Orson was in jail), it was all off screen; this time I'd like to see it. Unfortunately, Keith doesn't tell her to go to hell; in fact, he doesn't say anything, and Bree leaves.
Outside, she jumps in her car and backs up without looking. Off screen, we hear Keith yell, "Hey!" and then Bree runs over him. She jumps out of her car, aghast, and Keith makes a joke about how she should give up driving. Then he agrees to come back and work on her house.
Over at the house of cyclical marriage problems, Tom lies in bed reading Muscle Mover magazine when Lynette comes in wearing a robe. He glances at her, but doesn't say anything, so she starts by asking him how he's doing. "What's this? Genuine concern?" he asks. "No asking if my breasts feel swollen or if it's a heavy flow day?" Lynette launches into an apology and tells him that she read the pamphlet and it actually made sense. "Becoming a new dad at your age can be pretty scary. I mean, just looking at that little girl and knowing that you might not be around for her wedding..." Tom interrupts her to ask if this is supposed to be helping, and Lynette says that she's acknowledging that it's real.
Gently, Lynette sits down on the bed and takes Tom's hand. "And now, in order to demonstrate that I'm a loving and caring wife," she says, "I have two options. One, we can have a long, sensitive conversation about your feelings, or option two..." She reaches for her robe and pulls it open as the camera cuts to her back. Tom's eyes go right to her naked breasts and he gets a sweet little smile on his face, sitting up and kissing her as she giggles. "As much as I like option two," he says, "I think tonight I want to talk." Lynette nods. Very cute scene.
And here comes a not so cute one. Paul enters his living room and hands Beth a present. It's lingerie. He orders her to try it on, but she says that it's not her style; he told her they could wait; excuses, excuses. Paul says it's been almost a week and then she gets downright snippy with him, throwing the lingerie back in the bag. Scarily, Paul grabs the letters Beth sent him in prison and throws them down. Then he makes her read one of them aloud; it's filled with all this talk about sex. "It was a fantasy," she says desperately. "I never thought it would be real." Paul says that it is real, but Beth blurts out that she thought he would never get out of prison. Ouch.
Immediately, she starts to say that she didn't mean it and that she's sorry; Paul just sits down and creepily says that he knows that Beth has issues. She wouldn't have married a man in prison for murder otherwise. "The good news is," he says, "I'm willing to help you. All I ask in return is for a little affection. Do you think you can offer me that?" Beth, looking terrified, says that she'll try. Paul gets up and kisses the top of her head, saying that he's patient, but he won't be forever. So creepy.
Commercials.
The next morning, Renee is actually sitting somewhere else! She's out on the front porch when Lynette joins her; they're both still in their PJs. Amicably, Lynette offers her some coffee that Renee jokes she's scared is poisoned. "Look, what you did was borderline evil," says Lynette. "But you were right to make me talk to Tom. So I thank you for being a good friend and don't ever do it again."
Now that Lynette's in a good mood, Renee takes a moment to tell her that she just rented Edie's old house. Lynette stops just short of saying that's appropriate. Suddenly the baby starts crying and Tom pops out. "I'm trying to calm the baby, but apparently I don't have the right equipment," he quips. HA! Lynette mentions Renee's impending move before she goes back inside, and, suddenly nervous, Tom asks if it's really a good idea for Renee to move there. Renee says of course, but Tom's not done. He reaches out to shut the door and adds, "It's just...I wanna be sure..." Renee cuts him off and says, "Tom, that was a million years ago." Tom: "It doesn't matter. She can never know what happened between us." Ugh. Although, strangely, I'm not quite as freaked out by this as I could have been. Yes, it sounds like Tom and Renee had an affair at some point, but this show has repeatedly teased the audience with the idea that Tom or Lynette will or did cheat on each other. So if I'm basing this on past experience, it will turn out to be something else, like maybe he borrowed money or kissed her or freaked out the night before the wedding. My sister even went as far as to say that if it was a sexual relationship, it happened before Tom and Lynette were together. Basically, I refuse to flip out before I have to, especially since it can't possibly be worse than the whole illegitimate child plot. Though, speaking of that, hasn't Tom learned by now that it's much worse to keep this kind of crap a secret?
At the hospital, Carlos walks up to the same nurse who antagonized Gaby earlier and asks if she's seen his wife. The nurse says that Gaby is in the cafeteria, but asks him to sign some release forms before he leaves. Carlos notices the ripped form and inquires about it, and of course nursie can't keep her big mouth shut. She actually tells Carlos that Gaby flipped out when she heard her daughter's blood type. At that moment, Gaby walks in, just as Carlos says, "Gaby did this? I need you to tell me exactly what happened!" Before the nurse can blurt it out, Gaby says, "Oh crap," and draws Carlos' attention. Hilariously, she actually runs away from him, screaming that it's not her fault because she has a disorder. She's slowed by two guys wheeling out a body (she actually gives a little shriek that is so funny), and Carlos manages to catch her. Anxiously, Gaby babbles out an explanation that makes little sense, and Carlos realizes the gig is up.
I love the way this next little scene is done. Carlos takes Gaby into the next room while the camera remains outside, filming them through the window. Without hearing anything, we see Carlos tell Gaby the truth. Gaby breaks down, repeatedly hitting Carlos arm and sobbing before she collapses in his arms. Heartbreaking. Then Mary Alice comes back in: "There are certain types of pain that can't be treated in a hospital, so those who are suffering do what they can to heal themselves."
Bree stands and watches Keith talk about wood as Mary Alice goes on to say, "Some cure the ache of loneliness by making new friends." Then we cut to Susan and Mike, making jewelry and counting money respectively. "Some soothe their excruciating guilt with an infusion of cash." Over at casa de creepy, Paul hands Beth a rose. "Some alleviate their burning desire with small acts of kindness." Finally, we end with Gaby, who sits crying next to a sleeping Juanita. "But sadly, there will always be those who can't begin to heal because they realize there is more pain yet to come."
Well that was a very solid episode, though really it ended just as sadly as the first episode did. There's really an undertone of heartbreak to this season. I'd give this one an A-. Susan's plot is completely ridiculous, and I feel like the writers are being a little repetitive with Bree and Lynette (although I did enjoy parts of those plots), but they are hitting Gaby and Carlos out of the park so far this season. And I'm still enjoying the mystery far more than I thought I ever would. So kudos to the writers for that. Until next week...
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
DH recap: Remember Paul
Season Seven, Episode One: "Remember Paul"
Season seven kicks off with a close up of Paul Young. We're in flashback land, and Mary Alice is remembering her husband. "There was a time when my husband and I were very happy," explains Mary Alice as she comes over and gives Paul a smooch. The camera pulls back as Mary Alice reminisces about the good old days, revealing all the neighbors sitting around at a barbecue. They even dug out some of the dearly departed like Rex and Martha Huber. I will say this is a little odd, though, because both Martha and Karen (who is also there) were sort of recluses back in the day. I can't quite imagine them being invited to a cookout. But whatever. I'll go with it.
"Our life was like some kind of suburban dream," says Mary Alice as fake little Scavos run through the picnic. "But the day comes when we all must wake up." For Mary Alice, that was the day she got the infamous threatening note. Yes, the show is giving us a huge recap of the first two seasons. What a waste of five precious minutes for those of us who have been watching all along. She claims that she did what she had to to protect her family, but let's be honest here: if Mary Alice hadn't committed suicide, how would this all have gone down? I mean, would Paul have killed Martha? Would he have gone to jail? Would any of this even matter? It's a big question that will (probably) never be answered. Anyway, so y'all hopefully know that Paul killed Martha and then was framed for her sister's death and ended up in the slammer.
"Years later, a woman was pulled over for speeding," explains Mary Alice. And as they show her getting cuffed, we can see that it's Felicia because of her creepy three-fingered hand. So that's how it was discovered that Felicia was alive and Paul got out of jail. Of course, not one person on Wisteria Lane managed to read about this.
Cut to Paul, spiffing himself up in jail. His lawyer comes in and gives him a "sorry we threw you in jail" check, and is surprised to learn that Paul is going home. He provides more exposition about how none of Paul's neighbors came to visit him, so why would he want to go back there? "No one would blame you if you hated them a little," he says. Paul: "Oh, I don't hate them...a little." Ha!
Anyway, back on Wisteria Lane, Paul comes out of Susan's house and Karen sees him. She's so shocked she drops all her groceries. Mary Alice sums up her little opening by saying that Paul is going to make sure the neighbors never forget him again. Okay, clearly Paul's time in jail made him a little crazy. I mean, I never had the impression that he was that close to his neighbors, so why the sudden obsession? If he should be mad at anyone, I would expect it to be Zach (the one who really left him to rot). Am I overthinking this? Probably.
Wee little credits. Oh how I've missed you.
Cut to a series of ways you can get bad news, courtesy of Mary Alice: a late night phone call; a letter; email; text message; etc. "But some news is so bad it must be delivered in person," she finishes. And that sums up Mary Alice's contribution until the end. Thank you, Mary Alice.
We're at the hospital where that guy from last season (who claimed to know the couple whose baby was switched) is fighting with some big wig who wants him to go deliver the news. He thinks it will be better coming from someone who knows the couple. The guy seriously whines for way too long about being stuck with this job, but big wig tells him to just remain as calm as possible when delivering the news. Sage advice, big wig.
Back on the Lane, Karen is desperately searching for someone to tell about Paul. Bree isn't home, so she finds some random neighbors on the street. The camera then goes inside Gaby's house where she and Bree sit on the couch. Without delay, Bree blurts out the truth: Andrew ran over Juanita. "Oh God!" says Gaby as Bree gives explanations. "This is bad! This is really bad!" gasps Gaby. Bree says she should have told Gaby sooner, but Gaby says she shouldn't have told her at all. "Now I have to tell Carlos and he's going to kill Andrew and then he's going to have to go to prison. So thank you for sending my husband to prison, Bree! Nice work!" Hee! Eva Longoria Parker delivers that in one breath too, making it even funnier.
"I just couldn't live with this secret any longer," says Bree, skipping over all the many, many things that backed her into this corner. "When Orson found out he told me I was a horrible person." Gaby: "That's why you told me? Oh please, we're ALL horrible people!" HAHA! And so true. Bree keeps apologizing and even adds that Orson left her because of this, but Gaby is beyond caring. She's completely obsessed with how she's going to break the news to Carlos. "How am I gonna tell Carlos? He is gonna be so angry! And he'll probably find a way to blame me!" Gaby whines, breaking down in tears and leaning in for a hug. Bree looks stunned--but really, doesn't she know Gaby by now?--but they're interrupted by Karen rapping on the door. "You'll never guess who's back!" she shouts.
Meanwhile, over at the Scavos', the whole family is inside finishing up breakfast. As usual, everyone is whining at Lynette: she didn't run the dishwasher, they're out of milk, she needs to go to the dry cleaners. Lynette, who is holding the new baby, couldn't care less. She tells them all to look at their hands and says that anyone not holding a baby can fend for himself. Okay, I have to pause for a moment to ask what the hell they did to Joshua Logan Moore. He was already dorky on this show (which he SO isn't in real life; seriously, I saw an interview with him and he was really a normal looking kid), but they've taken it to a whole new level. His hair is like this weird orange color and combed really stupidly and he looks like he's going through the most awkward stage of puberty. Also of note: Darcy Rose Byrnes (new Penny) is kind of freakishly pale and creeps me out a little. She better prove to have some merit as new Penny but quick!
Anyway, Lynette sits down at the table and says the days of her being the perfect mom are over. That crap with Eddie must have pushed her over the edge. "And when were those days exactly?" snarks Parker. Of course Lynette gives it right back: "It's my uterus that's worn out, not my hearing." Somehow that comment doesn't elicit even one groan from her kids. Tom, stupidly, asks if she's really not going to help out around the house because "this place is really starting to go to hell" and Lynette growls, "Baby number five! An entire basketball team has come out of me, so I am officially too exhausted to care!" HA! Best line of the episode right there, folks.
The phone rings; Parker answers while Preston snipes at Lynette about his definition of a good mom. Lynette coos at the baby that Preston is about to be beaten, but before anyone can respond to this, Parker pipes up that Renee Perry is on the phone for Lynette. She hands the baby off to Tom while Penny asks who Renee is, leading to yet more expository dialogue (Renee is Lynette's old college friend who is married to Doug Perry, a Yankee ball player, and is rich. Might I add that all of this exposition comes from the boys, who also claim that Lynette's been visiting Renee in New York every few years and that she always comes back in a great mood. How the hell has Penny missed this? I don't understand. It's not like she's new to the family--new actress jokes aside. Whatever.). Lynette hangs up the phone and announces, unhappily, that Renee is coming to visit tomorrow. Immediately the family is put on clean-up duty, though Tom tries to slack off by claiming that now he's holding the baby. Hee! As Lynette rushes to the door with a bag of trash, she opens it to find Karen, Bree and Gaby there to tell her the news about Paul.
The Delfinos arrive at their new apartment. It's small, but not too terribly crappy. MJ enters skeptically and asks if they're poor now. Susan tries to explain that they're not poor and makes some crude jokes about the poor that even MJ knows are lame. Then the super parents try to explain to MJ how they're tight on money but they'll be back home soon thanks to Mike and Susan both working and Susan selling the "really cool" jewelry she's been making. MJ: "Oh God." Yes, kid, you have the lamest parents in the land.
The phone rings. Of course it's Karen, calling to tell her about the return of Paul. Cut to Susan speeding up outside her old house and demanding of the girls (Bree, Gaby and Lynette) where Paul is. They tell her he's in the house (duh). They can't believe Susan rented it to him, but Susan, being the intelligent person she is, didn't even bother to ask who she was renting too. Hilariously, Lynette does this whole, "You didn't even ask for his name?" line as though Susan is a complete moron (she is). Bree glosses over this by wondering how Paul is even out of jail. Conveniently, Paul has popped up right behind them and offers to let them come inside so he can answer the question. Not one of these women hesitates to go inside the house of a man they think is (and actually is) a murderer. As if Lynette hasn't had her share of being trapped in the home of a killer in the past twenty-four hours or so.
Inside the house, Bree exclaims, "Felicia Tillman's alive?!" Paul asks why they're surprised, considering he said it over and over again at his trial. "Oh wait. That's right. None of you could make it to the courthouse," he says in this creepily calm voice. Maybe I'd find this whole revenge plot easier to believe if Paul had seemed to find these women anything but obnoxious in the first two seasons. He goes on to whine about how they never visited him in prison either. Lynette apologizes for the group (no surprise there) and Gaby makes a joke about how they thought Paul was a killer (that doesn't go over so well). Surprisingly, Susan is the one to ask the logical question of why Paul wanted to come back. "Why do you think?" he asks. "I missed my friends." He smiles like the killer he is.
A few minutes later, the girls leave Susan's (Paul's? Pusan's?) and Gaby mentions that Paul Young still gives her the creeps. "I can't believe Paul Young is back on Wisteria Lane," says Lynette. "And he's using my shower," adds Susan. Heh.
As the girls stand on the corner and gossip like old times (really, this is SO reminiscent of season 1), the man who has to break the baby switching news sits in his car watching them. He sighs unhappily and exits his car, heading toward them only to be interrupted by Carlos, who calls him by name (Jack). Jack detours and goes over to Carlos, and we all have to take a moment to completely crack up at Ricardo Antonio Chavira without his facial hair. He looks like he's about twelve and it completely ruins the seriousness of this scene. And truly, it's about to get tragic, because Jack has come to break the news to the Solises. Carlos beckons Gaby over, but she tells him to give her a minute. Jack and Carlos go inside.
Inside, Jack has already broken the news and Carlos is irate. He claims that they still have the bracelet the hospital put on Juanita's ankle when she was born. I was so broken up that it was Juanita. Of course that has more emotional resonance because they audience is attached to her, but it's really heartbreaking. I love that little girl. Jack explains that the nurse had a drinking problem and they didn't know about it until now. Carlos can't believe that he's only finding this out now, eight years later. Well thank God Juanita didn't age any more over the summer. Jack keeps trying to keep the blame off of the hospital, but Carlos isn't having it. He tells Jack that if he goes "all lawyer" on him then he'll put Jack's "head through a wall." Do it, Carlos.
Carlos goes to the window, seriously looking like he's about to fall apart, and stares out at Gaby, Lynette and Bree, who have migrated to Gaby's end of the street. "So where is our...biologi--God! I don't even know what to call her!" I didn't like this scene when it first aired, but I'm enjoying it much more the second time through. I like how Chavira is playing Carlos as all rage with just a hint of how heartbreaking this is; it's very in character for Carlos. Jack says they haven't been able to track down the other family yet, and Carlos instantly says that they're not telling Gaby until they find the other girl. Looking more concerned than ever, Jack says he has to tell her whether Carlos wants him to or not. Finally, Carlos yells that he'll do it, but that he doesn't know how. "This is going to destroy her," he says, as if it's not going to destroy both of them. Seriously, these two and their baby drama; how much can one couple go through?
Commercials.
The next day (is this really going to be another season where they box in the timeline so stupidly?), Lynette stands outside of her house inspecting her family. She has them set up in a picture perfect pose on the porch, all dressed up and looking spiffy. "Why are we doing this?" snarks Porter. Lynette says that when Renee arrives she's going to see the one thing Lynette can show off, her "beautiful, beautiful family." Then she chastises Parker for having a pimple. Like puberty isn't hard enough. Tom tries to inject some reason into this, but as usual, his argument fails to fly.
Moments later, a limo pulls up outside of the Scavos' and Tom orders everyone to smile "for Mom and her strange and twisted friendship." Clearly Tom knows what's what. Renee steps out of the car and Lynette rushes to greet her, but Renee puts her off by holding up a finger and yapping into her phone. For the briefest second, Lynette looks hurt, but then she covers it by turning to give Tom one of those "can you believe this?" looks of hers. Renee tells the person on the phone that she has someone more important to talk to; Lynette makes attempt number two, but Renee puts her off again to switch to another call. Finally, Lynette snatches the phone and hangs up on the guy. They hug.
"Oh no," says Renee as they part. "Please tell me you didn't dump Tom for this handsome young trophy husband!" Bless his heart, Tom is all sincerity as he says, "It's me, Renee! I mean, I do work out like three times a week, so maybe that's what you're..." He catches a glimpse of Lynette's face and trails off. Heh. Renee exclaims over Lynette's kids and Penny obediently rushes up with the new baby and hands her off so Lynette can brag about the newborn. "You know, I've been blessed," says Lynette as the extremely fake baby she's holding spits up on her. Ah, the joys of mothering a plastic baby.
Later, inside, Tom apologizes, but says he has to rush off to work, giving Lynette a quick peck as he goes. "Work?" schmoozes Renee. "And I thought you wore that sexy tie just for me." Tom: "You like it? They say that bolder colors are coming back so I thought I'd..." He looks at Lynette, who is absolutely incredulous. "Okay," he says. And he's out the door. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Scavo.
After Tom leaves, Renee starts going on and on about how cozy and intimate Lynette's house is. It's very condescending, which is not lost on Lynette, who shouts to her kids, "Pay attention, kids, you're learning a lot of new words for small." The ladies make their way into the kitchen, where the Scavo kids are all sitting around doing nothing. It's a little bizarre and I'm surprised the kids stuck around. Of course, I'm also surprised they're not in school, but what do I know. Renee blathers about how big her house is; Lynette makes some snarky servant jokes to the point that Preston actually butts in with a "Mom!" Like she's totally embarrassing him. Hahaha. "It's alright. We're just old friends reconnecting," says Lynette.
Renee seems as unperturbed as Lynette by the impression they're making on her kids, and she continues to make compliments that sound like put-downs about the Scavo house. It reminds me of that episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke goes to Friday night dinner and Emily puts him down without saying one actual negative thing (making beer sound like nit-wit juice). Of course the difference here is that Lynette gives it right back to her. Eventually they cool it long enough for Lynette to sincerely ask how Renee's husband is. "Oh he's fine," says Renee casually. "With all that stuff--the team, the jet, the money--it's like a fantasy world. This is what I yearn for. This is real. This is sticky," she finishes up as she sticks her finger in some suspicious splotch on the table. Heh.
Parker is impressed and conjectures that she must be staying at a fancy hotel. Renee says she hasn't booked one yet, so Parker instantly offers to let her stay at their place. Super polite or completely inconsiderate of his mother: you make the call. Lynette starts to say that she's sure Renee doesn't want to, but Renee quickly agrees. "Are you sure?" asks Lynette, clearly not thrilled by this. "'Cause you know, with five kids it gets...stickier." Renee says she's sure, she wants to catch up with her "old, old friend" (then comes the first of several plastic surgery jokes), and Lynette ignores this and says she'll set her up on the sleeper sofa. Ah, so maybe that's where Eddie crashed last year. Mysteries are being solved left and right!
Over at the apartment of the unwashed masses, Susan knocks on her landlady's door and introduces herself. She's dropping off the security deposit, and apologizes for it being late, but they're having "money problems." I love that Susan tells every Tom, Dick and Harry this fact when Mike worked so hard to keep it a secret. Of course, Susan does love her pity. Suddenly much more interested in Susan, the landlady introduces herself as Maxine and invites Susan inside.
A few minutes later, Susan sips tea as Maxine gushes about what a shame it is about Mike's business. "And here you are with no skills, trying to make end's meat," she says. Susan is quick to point out that she has skills, but instead of claiming one of her legitimate ones (like, say, being an award-winning illustrator), she holds out her wrist to show off an ugly, clunky bracelet she made. Skillfully bypassing this, Maxine tells Susan how she was in the same boat after her husband died, but she started her own business. "And now I'm able to help other struggling women. You know, they set their own hours. They work from their own homes. And oy, oy, oy, the money!" She offers to show Susan, who blathers on about how she's always been told she has a good phone voice, but as Maxine opens the sliding doors to the next room, Susan is shocked to see a whole surveillance system set up. On the screens are several women, scantily dressed, performing household tasks. Susan is dumbfounded.
"It's my website!" announced Maxine. "Va-Va-Va-Broom dot com!" HA! "You run a porn site?" asks Susan. "You're trying to lure me into pornography?" Can I say that I am a little impressed that Susan is aghast and not flattered. This seems like the kind of backward compliment that she would normally eat up. Maxine claims that the site is PG; only women doing housework in their lingerie. "So, what do you say?" she asks. Susan gets all up in her face. "I say shame! Shame on you!" Maxine starts to go on about how all the women are respectable and doing this for legitimate reasons, but Susan asks if they aren't worried about being seen by people they know. "Most of our clients are overseas," says Maxine. She keeps trying to ply Susan--showing her an envelope full of cash--and for a second Susan seems bewitched. But then she sticks to her guns and rushes out of the apartment. Don't expect that self-respect to last long.
Commercials.
Night. Baby-faced Carlos is looking through Juanita's baby book when his daughter bounces up on the bed to ask what he's doing. Carlos laughs and says he's looking at family photos. Juanita points to a picture of her grandma and asks who that is; Carlos responds by tweaking her nose and explaining that it's his mom. "I wish I had met her," says Juanita as Gaby comes out of the bathroom and lurks behind them. "You would have loved her," says Carlos. Juanita asks if Carlos thinks about her a lot, and Carlos says, "Every day. She was the light of my life. And that's why we named you after her because I could not imagine a world without a Juanita Solis in it." That tears me up much more than I thought possible. This scene: best in the whole episode. Carlos turns and notices Gaby, and she beckons Juanita to bed. The two of them leave the room and holy hell, Juanita is seriously just about the same size as her mom. It's crazy.
Gaby tucks in Juanita, who informs her that she and her friend want to go to the mall the next day. Gaby says she doesn't have time to take her, and also refuses Juanita's next request to let her ride her bike to the mall. "You're mean," says Juanita, but it doesn't really have any bite to it. "Well, sometimes I have to be mean because it's my job to protect you," explains Gaby. "What if you got hit by a bus?" Juanita: "That's not gonna happen!" Oh Juanita, I can't wait for you to become a teenager. "Well I can't take that chance," says Gaby. "You're my whole world. If something happened to you it would ruin my whole life." Her daughter nods as Gaby leans down to give her a kiss; at the door, Carlos stands and listens in on this prime example of dramatic irony.
Over at the house of self-pity, Bree sits in her living room with this look on her face like her entire world is falling apart. Orson wheels into the room with another woman who carries a box (exposition tells us that she's Orson's physical therapist, and I'd be interested to go back and see if it's the same one from last year). The PT leaves the Hodges alone and Orson asks if Bree will be okay. "Let's see," she says, "uh, I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking. I've had better Mondays." Orson apologizes, but Bree tells him not to be sorry because it's for the best. "We haven't been happy for a long time."
"You know what you need," says Orson. "A project." Bree says that's not the solution, that it would just be another way to avoid her emotions, and that she needs to figure out what to do with her life. "Well, whatever you do I know it will be spectacular," says Orson, holding out a hand that Bree gratefully takes. "Goodbye, Bree." And Orson leaves. This scene absolutely kills me. It completely resonates with all the wonderful qualities that made Bree and Orson such a couple to root for back in the day. I also think that this must have been just as heartbreaking a goodbye for the actors as it was for the characters, and that makes it all the more tragic. Why did they have to ruin this couple so completely?
Anyway, Bree sits quietly for a moment before getting up to go look at some family photos. She reminisces over her and Rex's wedding photo--also heartbreaking--and then smiles at a picture of her and Orson. It's then that she notices that the wallpaper is peeling. Annoyed, she climbs up to try to stick it back into place, but after a few failed attempts, loses it and rips it clear off the wall. Cue her going mad and ripping the wallpaper off of all of the walls until she's interrupted by a ringing phone. It's Orson, calling to make sure she's okay after "last night." Yes, Bree spent the whole night ripping wallpaper off of the walls. God, that is such an old-school Bree thing to do that my heart is singing. Please let this be the start of something good for her character. She tells Orson that she's found a project. Hell yes, you have.
Commercials.
Over in the local jail, Paul is visiting Felicia. We quickly learn that Felicia is in for at least eighteen months and that she and Paul hate each other now more than ever. "Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I don't care what I have to do. I will see you behind bars again or dead, whichever is easier," says Felicia. She accuses Paul of killing her sister, but Paul breezily tells her he has to go do things like walk around in the fresh air. "You know you did it," says Felicia. Paul hangs up the phone--they record the conversations--and mouths, "I did it." Oh these crazy kids.
At the Scavos', the girls have gathered and Susan is trying to hawk her jewelry, which Lynette declares is "so big." Heh. That doesn't begin to cover how hideous it is. Actually, Susan takes it as a compliment. "You're welcome?" says Lynette. Double heh. Susan says she can't believe that the jewelry isn't selling and asks which of them wants some earrings. Said earrings are a big pink bead attached to several loops that ends with a chunky gold circle. They are horrible. She tries to sell them to Bree, who in turn pushes them on Gaby, who in turn changes the subject to where Renee is. Susan won't give up, though, and she promptly pawns them off on Lynette, who says she'll buy them and then snarks, "What are you guys getting?" to Gaby and Bree. "I'm gonna buy this. For Bree," says Gaby, picking up a gargantuan necklace. Fortunately for all, this is interrupted by Renee's arrival; Lynette makes quick introductions.
Ever polite, Bree says they've heard so much about Lynette's old roommate. "Ah, yes. You know how in school the pretty girls all hang out together," says Renee. "Well, I refused to go along with that." The girls are clearly taken aback, but Lynette just goes with it, saying that Renee comes off as a little stuck up, but it's great because it just saves everyone time. It's clear that Gaby, Susan and Bree aren't sure how to take this, and to be truthful, it is all very strange. I mean, people just don't talk to Lynette like this, and I think that's why it's coming off so foreign. Honestly, I hate "friendships" like this; they're so emotionally draining and even if you give as good as you get (which these two clearly do), eventually it's just going to leave you empty and depressed. If Lynette really roomed with her in college then it's almost as if she moved from one form of abuse to another (which sounds a little over-the-top, but seriously, I have had relationships like this before and they suck).
Anyway, Susan tries to change the subject by asking what Lynette was like in college. "Oh absolutely fearless," says Renee. "She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumors be damned!" Oh Lord. Lynette makes a zing about STDs and Gaby observes that they play rough. "No," says Lynette with this big, forced smile. "It's just what we do. It's fun. I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up..." Renee: "And I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down." Ah yes, fun times all around. They laugh awkwardly and, again, Susan tries to change the subject to Renee's husband. Lynette mentions that in their sorority--yes, Lynette, in a sorority; take a moment to let that mental image soak in while I remember that the only reason I can't scoff is because I was in a sorority--voted Renee the most likely to marry well. "And Lynette was voted most likely to succeed," says Renee. Then she makes this little tisking sound and Lynette's face falls. See what I mean about a friendship like this? It preys on insecurities.
Lynette demands to know what Renee meant by her little aside, and Renee says it's nothing and that she doesn't want to make Lynette feel bad. Yeah right. "I think our college friends would be surprised to see how you ended up," says Renee. Gaby laughs--thinking they're still being "funny"--and Susan and Bree give her dirty looks. I love how uncomfortable the other three are with this. It's like they're seeing Lynette painted in a different way for the first time; not as the strong woman they all believe she is, but as the weak little girl whose insecurities are what made her into such a control freak. It's kind of heartbreaking.
Lynette points out that she has had a career and raised a family, but that's not enough for Renee, who says they all had "such high hopes" for her. "At least I didn't spend the last fifteen years sponging off a rich guy," snarks Lynette. Susan begs for them to stop; they ignore her and continue fighting. "The Lynette I knew never would have settled for this," says Renee, as though Lynette's life is so terrible. "You were adventurous. You backpacked through Croatia. You jumped on stage at a Springsteen concert. It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team." And that does it folks; astounded looks all around, but none as shocked as poor Tom, who has just walked in the door and looks completely crushed.
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That night, Lynette is taking off the ugly earrings (she wore those all day?) while Tom sits on their bed already in his pajamas. Lynette is completely baffled by Renee's behavior, asking Tom why she would come all the way across the country just to dump on her life. Because she is mean and jealous. Tom, completely distracted, says, "Two guys, huh?" Lynette barely acknowledges that before going back to Renee, but Tom can't let this go. He wants details. "Oh, drop it, Tom!" she begs, but he just goes on to say that he's shielded her from the raunchier parts of his past like a little story he calls "D-cups on the teacups." Oh God. Lynette throws a toy ball at his head. He deserves it. "Okay, I'm dropping it now," he says. He asks why she's getting upset, considering how much she and Renee love to pick at one another, but Lynette is sincerely traumatized. She says that Renee wasn't joking and that she doesn't "get to be disappointed in my life." Tom tells her that she should tell Renee, and Lynette agrees. Then Tom goes on to push his luck by requesting that they revisit something he asked for on his fortieth birthday that he thinks seems doable in light of recent revelations. Lynette responds by slamming the door. Seriously, Tom? She had a baby like a week ago. Idiot.
Downstairs, Lynette tosses a phone book at Renee and tells her to look for a hotel. Finally sincere, Renee says that she thought she might have hit a nerve that afternoon. "If you find my life that pathetic, I'm going to spare you the agony of observing it," says Lynette. She turns to leave, but Renee stops her by saying she doesn't think Lynette's life is pathetic. Hurt, Lynette acquiesces this point, but says that Renee clearly thinks her life is better, so Lynette will just admit that it is. "Congratulations," she says, turning again. This time Renee calls out that her husband is leaving her; she found out he was cheating and he chose the affair over her. She didn't have anywhere else to go, so she came to Lynette.
As usual, Lynette proves to be completely wonderful by letting go of all of her anger and simply showing compassion for her friend. She drops down on the sofa bed, hand over her heart, and asks why Renee didn't tell her. "I haven't even admitted it to myself yet. How could I tell you?" asks Renee. Lynette tells her that she can stay as long as she needs to, and then the two of them go back to insulting one another. This relationship is completely screwed up.
Jack is at the hospital working late when Carlos bursts in. He tells Jack that he's giving him two options: one, he'll sue the hospital or two, Jack makes the whole thing go away. Jack tries to point out that they've already taken steps to find the other family, but Carlos orders him to try to call it off. He doesn't want Gaby to know. "If Gaby knew the truth, it would kill her. No, I can't tell her."
Meanwhile, Gaby tells Bree the exact same thing: she can't tell Carlos about his mother. She says that Carlos is so happy; she doesn't want to ruin that by telling him the truth. "I won't let anything change that." This better not end with Gaby and Carlos splitting up, that's all I have to say.
Back at the craphole, Mike is sulkily drinking a beer when Susan comes in with groceries. Mike says that the bank turned down his loan application, so he's not going to be able to expand his business which means that he'll only be able to take "dinky" jobs and they'll never get out of there. Susan sighs, but tries to be upbeat. Mike has a better idea: he moves to Alaska and works six months on an oil rig. HA! Oh man. Sure, douche. Go for it. Susan says that she and MJ need him, but Mike says he has to go. "Give me a month before you make a decision," begs Susan. She says she thinks the jewelry biz will take off soon; Mike is skeptical.
Cut to Susan knocking on Maxine's door. She agrees to work for her and any self-respect Susan had left just went out the window. By the way, Susan, this coming out will not help your teaching career. This plot has just become truly depressing.
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A handyman, Keith, is inspecting Bree's home repair work. He thinks Bree should go with a bold color like scarlet, but she's skeptical. There's a honk outside and Bree heads out to find Orson there with his physical therapist. He has papers for her to sign (fastest divorce EVER), and she invites him to a dinner party at Andrew's on the tenth. She says that both she and Andrew want him to still feel like part of the family. That right there also kills me. I loved Andrew and Orson's relationship; I feel like Bree is still trying too. It's painful to see what happens next, which is that the PT points out that she and Orson have plans that night and Bree realizes they're involved.
Orson tells the PT to wait in the van, and then tells Bree that his relationship with Judy evolved. Bree wants to know if that happened while they were still together, but Orson says no, Judy waited a respectable amount of time. Bree, validly, points out that it's been a week, and Orson, nobly, doesn't point out that she had an affair for the better part of last year. Anyway, they're both broken. Orson says that at their age, and after so many years of being miserable, they can't let an opportunity pass them by.
Bree goes back into the house, broken, while Keith blathers on about a painting the room a bright yellow. She looks at him like she's seeing how attractive he is for the first time and really, writers, really, she's over Orson that fast? God. Bree was finally likable again in this episode; can't we continue her on that path? Why does she have to jump write into something else?
Across the street, Paul's checking his mail when Lee walks up. He says the neighbors are blaming him for Paul's return; Paul, unsurprisingly, couldn't care less. In fact, he wants to buy his old house from Lee. So bizarre. I suppose his evil plan is rooted in real estate acquisitions.
"Bad news travels quickly," says Mary Alice as the camera follows a child on a bicycle. "And when it arrives we have to find a way to deal with it." Bree picks up a newspaper as Mary Alice says, "If our husbands tell us they've moved on, we look for project to distract us." Bree glances lustfully at Keith. Blah. Over at Susan's, Mrs. Delfino is dressed in pink lingerie while she dusts her laptop. "If the bills start to stack up, we find ways to earn extra cash." That is just so pathetic. Meanwhile, Carlos and Gaby are eating breakfast. "If we're told a secret too terrible to share, we learn to keep it to ourselves." Cut to the jail, where Felicia hangs up a picture of Paul. "But we must remember the bad news that's delivered can sometimes be good news in disguise." Felicia and her roommate discuss what a shame it is that Paul is out free, but Felicia says that now he can finally receive the punishment he deserves. "Paul Young will be dead within six months," says Felicia. When asked how when she's in jail, Felicia offer that "Paul Young doesn't have friends on that street. I do." How ominous!
Well, I'd give that episode a solid B. It was actually really depressing; more so than I realized when I first watched it. Most of the humor came from Lynette and Renee zinging each other, but there was something so hateful about it that it ended up just making me sadder. Plus, so much of the episode was exposition to set up what's coming next. I think that they have some really interesting places to go from here, but tonight was definitely just the foundation. But at least, for once, I'm actually interested in the mystery. Here's hoping it doesn't drag out indefinitely.
Season seven kicks off with a close up of Paul Young. We're in flashback land, and Mary Alice is remembering her husband. "There was a time when my husband and I were very happy," explains Mary Alice as she comes over and gives Paul a smooch. The camera pulls back as Mary Alice reminisces about the good old days, revealing all the neighbors sitting around at a barbecue. They even dug out some of the dearly departed like Rex and Martha Huber. I will say this is a little odd, though, because both Martha and Karen (who is also there) were sort of recluses back in the day. I can't quite imagine them being invited to a cookout. But whatever. I'll go with it.
"Our life was like some kind of suburban dream," says Mary Alice as fake little Scavos run through the picnic. "But the day comes when we all must wake up." For Mary Alice, that was the day she got the infamous threatening note. Yes, the show is giving us a huge recap of the first two seasons. What a waste of five precious minutes for those of us who have been watching all along. She claims that she did what she had to to protect her family, but let's be honest here: if Mary Alice hadn't committed suicide, how would this all have gone down? I mean, would Paul have killed Martha? Would he have gone to jail? Would any of this even matter? It's a big question that will (probably) never be answered. Anyway, so y'all hopefully know that Paul killed Martha and then was framed for her sister's death and ended up in the slammer.
"Years later, a woman was pulled over for speeding," explains Mary Alice. And as they show her getting cuffed, we can see that it's Felicia because of her creepy three-fingered hand. So that's how it was discovered that Felicia was alive and Paul got out of jail. Of course, not one person on Wisteria Lane managed to read about this.
Cut to Paul, spiffing himself up in jail. His lawyer comes in and gives him a "sorry we threw you in jail" check, and is surprised to learn that Paul is going home. He provides more exposition about how none of Paul's neighbors came to visit him, so why would he want to go back there? "No one would blame you if you hated them a little," he says. Paul: "Oh, I don't hate them...a little." Ha!
Anyway, back on Wisteria Lane, Paul comes out of Susan's house and Karen sees him. She's so shocked she drops all her groceries. Mary Alice sums up her little opening by saying that Paul is going to make sure the neighbors never forget him again. Okay, clearly Paul's time in jail made him a little crazy. I mean, I never had the impression that he was that close to his neighbors, so why the sudden obsession? If he should be mad at anyone, I would expect it to be Zach (the one who really left him to rot). Am I overthinking this? Probably.
Wee little credits. Oh how I've missed you.
Cut to a series of ways you can get bad news, courtesy of Mary Alice: a late night phone call; a letter; email; text message; etc. "But some news is so bad it must be delivered in person," she finishes. And that sums up Mary Alice's contribution until the end. Thank you, Mary Alice.
We're at the hospital where that guy from last season (who claimed to know the couple whose baby was switched) is fighting with some big wig who wants him to go deliver the news. He thinks it will be better coming from someone who knows the couple. The guy seriously whines for way too long about being stuck with this job, but big wig tells him to just remain as calm as possible when delivering the news. Sage advice, big wig.
Back on the Lane, Karen is desperately searching for someone to tell about Paul. Bree isn't home, so she finds some random neighbors on the street. The camera then goes inside Gaby's house where she and Bree sit on the couch. Without delay, Bree blurts out the truth: Andrew ran over Juanita. "Oh God!" says Gaby as Bree gives explanations. "This is bad! This is really bad!" gasps Gaby. Bree says she should have told Gaby sooner, but Gaby says she shouldn't have told her at all. "Now I have to tell Carlos and he's going to kill Andrew and then he's going to have to go to prison. So thank you for sending my husband to prison, Bree! Nice work!" Hee! Eva Longoria Parker delivers that in one breath too, making it even funnier.
"I just couldn't live with this secret any longer," says Bree, skipping over all the many, many things that backed her into this corner. "When Orson found out he told me I was a horrible person." Gaby: "That's why you told me? Oh please, we're ALL horrible people!" HAHA! And so true. Bree keeps apologizing and even adds that Orson left her because of this, but Gaby is beyond caring. She's completely obsessed with how she's going to break the news to Carlos. "How am I gonna tell Carlos? He is gonna be so angry! And he'll probably find a way to blame me!" Gaby whines, breaking down in tears and leaning in for a hug. Bree looks stunned--but really, doesn't she know Gaby by now?--but they're interrupted by Karen rapping on the door. "You'll never guess who's back!" she shouts.
Meanwhile, over at the Scavos', the whole family is inside finishing up breakfast. As usual, everyone is whining at Lynette: she didn't run the dishwasher, they're out of milk, she needs to go to the dry cleaners. Lynette, who is holding the new baby, couldn't care less. She tells them all to look at their hands and says that anyone not holding a baby can fend for himself. Okay, I have to pause for a moment to ask what the hell they did to Joshua Logan Moore. He was already dorky on this show (which he SO isn't in real life; seriously, I saw an interview with him and he was really a normal looking kid), but they've taken it to a whole new level. His hair is like this weird orange color and combed really stupidly and he looks like he's going through the most awkward stage of puberty. Also of note: Darcy Rose Byrnes (new Penny) is kind of freakishly pale and creeps me out a little. She better prove to have some merit as new Penny but quick!
Anyway, Lynette sits down at the table and says the days of her being the perfect mom are over. That crap with Eddie must have pushed her over the edge. "And when were those days exactly?" snarks Parker. Of course Lynette gives it right back: "It's my uterus that's worn out, not my hearing." Somehow that comment doesn't elicit even one groan from her kids. Tom, stupidly, asks if she's really not going to help out around the house because "this place is really starting to go to hell" and Lynette growls, "Baby number five! An entire basketball team has come out of me, so I am officially too exhausted to care!" HA! Best line of the episode right there, folks.
The phone rings; Parker answers while Preston snipes at Lynette about his definition of a good mom. Lynette coos at the baby that Preston is about to be beaten, but before anyone can respond to this, Parker pipes up that Renee Perry is on the phone for Lynette. She hands the baby off to Tom while Penny asks who Renee is, leading to yet more expository dialogue (Renee is Lynette's old college friend who is married to Doug Perry, a Yankee ball player, and is rich. Might I add that all of this exposition comes from the boys, who also claim that Lynette's been visiting Renee in New York every few years and that she always comes back in a great mood. How the hell has Penny missed this? I don't understand. It's not like she's new to the family--new actress jokes aside. Whatever.). Lynette hangs up the phone and announces, unhappily, that Renee is coming to visit tomorrow. Immediately the family is put on clean-up duty, though Tom tries to slack off by claiming that now he's holding the baby. Hee! As Lynette rushes to the door with a bag of trash, she opens it to find Karen, Bree and Gaby there to tell her the news about Paul.
The Delfinos arrive at their new apartment. It's small, but not too terribly crappy. MJ enters skeptically and asks if they're poor now. Susan tries to explain that they're not poor and makes some crude jokes about the poor that even MJ knows are lame. Then the super parents try to explain to MJ how they're tight on money but they'll be back home soon thanks to Mike and Susan both working and Susan selling the "really cool" jewelry she's been making. MJ: "Oh God." Yes, kid, you have the lamest parents in the land.
The phone rings. Of course it's Karen, calling to tell her about the return of Paul. Cut to Susan speeding up outside her old house and demanding of the girls (Bree, Gaby and Lynette) where Paul is. They tell her he's in the house (duh). They can't believe Susan rented it to him, but Susan, being the intelligent person she is, didn't even bother to ask who she was renting too. Hilariously, Lynette does this whole, "You didn't even ask for his name?" line as though Susan is a complete moron (she is). Bree glosses over this by wondering how Paul is even out of jail. Conveniently, Paul has popped up right behind them and offers to let them come inside so he can answer the question. Not one of these women hesitates to go inside the house of a man they think is (and actually is) a murderer. As if Lynette hasn't had her share of being trapped in the home of a killer in the past twenty-four hours or so.
Inside the house, Bree exclaims, "Felicia Tillman's alive?!" Paul asks why they're surprised, considering he said it over and over again at his trial. "Oh wait. That's right. None of you could make it to the courthouse," he says in this creepily calm voice. Maybe I'd find this whole revenge plot easier to believe if Paul had seemed to find these women anything but obnoxious in the first two seasons. He goes on to whine about how they never visited him in prison either. Lynette apologizes for the group (no surprise there) and Gaby makes a joke about how they thought Paul was a killer (that doesn't go over so well). Surprisingly, Susan is the one to ask the logical question of why Paul wanted to come back. "Why do you think?" he asks. "I missed my friends." He smiles like the killer he is.
A few minutes later, the girls leave Susan's (Paul's? Pusan's?) and Gaby mentions that Paul Young still gives her the creeps. "I can't believe Paul Young is back on Wisteria Lane," says Lynette. "And he's using my shower," adds Susan. Heh.
As the girls stand on the corner and gossip like old times (really, this is SO reminiscent of season 1), the man who has to break the baby switching news sits in his car watching them. He sighs unhappily and exits his car, heading toward them only to be interrupted by Carlos, who calls him by name (Jack). Jack detours and goes over to Carlos, and we all have to take a moment to completely crack up at Ricardo Antonio Chavira without his facial hair. He looks like he's about twelve and it completely ruins the seriousness of this scene. And truly, it's about to get tragic, because Jack has come to break the news to the Solises. Carlos beckons Gaby over, but she tells him to give her a minute. Jack and Carlos go inside.
Inside, Jack has already broken the news and Carlos is irate. He claims that they still have the bracelet the hospital put on Juanita's ankle when she was born. I was so broken up that it was Juanita. Of course that has more emotional resonance because they audience is attached to her, but it's really heartbreaking. I love that little girl. Jack explains that the nurse had a drinking problem and they didn't know about it until now. Carlos can't believe that he's only finding this out now, eight years later. Well thank God Juanita didn't age any more over the summer. Jack keeps trying to keep the blame off of the hospital, but Carlos isn't having it. He tells Jack that if he goes "all lawyer" on him then he'll put Jack's "head through a wall." Do it, Carlos.
Carlos goes to the window, seriously looking like he's about to fall apart, and stares out at Gaby, Lynette and Bree, who have migrated to Gaby's end of the street. "So where is our...biologi--God! I don't even know what to call her!" I didn't like this scene when it first aired, but I'm enjoying it much more the second time through. I like how Chavira is playing Carlos as all rage with just a hint of how heartbreaking this is; it's very in character for Carlos. Jack says they haven't been able to track down the other family yet, and Carlos instantly says that they're not telling Gaby until they find the other girl. Looking more concerned than ever, Jack says he has to tell her whether Carlos wants him to or not. Finally, Carlos yells that he'll do it, but that he doesn't know how. "This is going to destroy her," he says, as if it's not going to destroy both of them. Seriously, these two and their baby drama; how much can one couple go through?
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The next day (is this really going to be another season where they box in the timeline so stupidly?), Lynette stands outside of her house inspecting her family. She has them set up in a picture perfect pose on the porch, all dressed up and looking spiffy. "Why are we doing this?" snarks Porter. Lynette says that when Renee arrives she's going to see the one thing Lynette can show off, her "beautiful, beautiful family." Then she chastises Parker for having a pimple. Like puberty isn't hard enough. Tom tries to inject some reason into this, but as usual, his argument fails to fly.
Moments later, a limo pulls up outside of the Scavos' and Tom orders everyone to smile "for Mom and her strange and twisted friendship." Clearly Tom knows what's what. Renee steps out of the car and Lynette rushes to greet her, but Renee puts her off by holding up a finger and yapping into her phone. For the briefest second, Lynette looks hurt, but then she covers it by turning to give Tom one of those "can you believe this?" looks of hers. Renee tells the person on the phone that she has someone more important to talk to; Lynette makes attempt number two, but Renee puts her off again to switch to another call. Finally, Lynette snatches the phone and hangs up on the guy. They hug.
"Oh no," says Renee as they part. "Please tell me you didn't dump Tom for this handsome young trophy husband!" Bless his heart, Tom is all sincerity as he says, "It's me, Renee! I mean, I do work out like three times a week, so maybe that's what you're..." He catches a glimpse of Lynette's face and trails off. Heh. Renee exclaims over Lynette's kids and Penny obediently rushes up with the new baby and hands her off so Lynette can brag about the newborn. "You know, I've been blessed," says Lynette as the extremely fake baby she's holding spits up on her. Ah, the joys of mothering a plastic baby.
Later, inside, Tom apologizes, but says he has to rush off to work, giving Lynette a quick peck as he goes. "Work?" schmoozes Renee. "And I thought you wore that sexy tie just for me." Tom: "You like it? They say that bolder colors are coming back so I thought I'd..." He looks at Lynette, who is absolutely incredulous. "Okay," he says. And he's out the door. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Scavo.
After Tom leaves, Renee starts going on and on about how cozy and intimate Lynette's house is. It's very condescending, which is not lost on Lynette, who shouts to her kids, "Pay attention, kids, you're learning a lot of new words for small." The ladies make their way into the kitchen, where the Scavo kids are all sitting around doing nothing. It's a little bizarre and I'm surprised the kids stuck around. Of course, I'm also surprised they're not in school, but what do I know. Renee blathers about how big her house is; Lynette makes some snarky servant jokes to the point that Preston actually butts in with a "Mom!" Like she's totally embarrassing him. Hahaha. "It's alright. We're just old friends reconnecting," says Lynette.
Renee seems as unperturbed as Lynette by the impression they're making on her kids, and she continues to make compliments that sound like put-downs about the Scavo house. It reminds me of that episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke goes to Friday night dinner and Emily puts him down without saying one actual negative thing (making beer sound like nit-wit juice). Of course the difference here is that Lynette gives it right back to her. Eventually they cool it long enough for Lynette to sincerely ask how Renee's husband is. "Oh he's fine," says Renee casually. "With all that stuff--the team, the jet, the money--it's like a fantasy world. This is what I yearn for. This is real. This is sticky," she finishes up as she sticks her finger in some suspicious splotch on the table. Heh.
Parker is impressed and conjectures that she must be staying at a fancy hotel. Renee says she hasn't booked one yet, so Parker instantly offers to let her stay at their place. Super polite or completely inconsiderate of his mother: you make the call. Lynette starts to say that she's sure Renee doesn't want to, but Renee quickly agrees. "Are you sure?" asks Lynette, clearly not thrilled by this. "'Cause you know, with five kids it gets...stickier." Renee says she's sure, she wants to catch up with her "old, old friend" (then comes the first of several plastic surgery jokes), and Lynette ignores this and says she'll set her up on the sleeper sofa. Ah, so maybe that's where Eddie crashed last year. Mysteries are being solved left and right!
Over at the apartment of the unwashed masses, Susan knocks on her landlady's door and introduces herself. She's dropping off the security deposit, and apologizes for it being late, but they're having "money problems." I love that Susan tells every Tom, Dick and Harry this fact when Mike worked so hard to keep it a secret. Of course, Susan does love her pity. Suddenly much more interested in Susan, the landlady introduces herself as Maxine and invites Susan inside.
A few minutes later, Susan sips tea as Maxine gushes about what a shame it is about Mike's business. "And here you are with no skills, trying to make end's meat," she says. Susan is quick to point out that she has skills, but instead of claiming one of her legitimate ones (like, say, being an award-winning illustrator), she holds out her wrist to show off an ugly, clunky bracelet she made. Skillfully bypassing this, Maxine tells Susan how she was in the same boat after her husband died, but she started her own business. "And now I'm able to help other struggling women. You know, they set their own hours. They work from their own homes. And oy, oy, oy, the money!" She offers to show Susan, who blathers on about how she's always been told she has a good phone voice, but as Maxine opens the sliding doors to the next room, Susan is shocked to see a whole surveillance system set up. On the screens are several women, scantily dressed, performing household tasks. Susan is dumbfounded.
"It's my website!" announced Maxine. "Va-Va-Va-Broom dot com!" HA! "You run a porn site?" asks Susan. "You're trying to lure me into pornography?" Can I say that I am a little impressed that Susan is aghast and not flattered. This seems like the kind of backward compliment that she would normally eat up. Maxine claims that the site is PG; only women doing housework in their lingerie. "So, what do you say?" she asks. Susan gets all up in her face. "I say shame! Shame on you!" Maxine starts to go on about how all the women are respectable and doing this for legitimate reasons, but Susan asks if they aren't worried about being seen by people they know. "Most of our clients are overseas," says Maxine. She keeps trying to ply Susan--showing her an envelope full of cash--and for a second Susan seems bewitched. But then she sticks to her guns and rushes out of the apartment. Don't expect that self-respect to last long.
Commercials.
Night. Baby-faced Carlos is looking through Juanita's baby book when his daughter bounces up on the bed to ask what he's doing. Carlos laughs and says he's looking at family photos. Juanita points to a picture of her grandma and asks who that is; Carlos responds by tweaking her nose and explaining that it's his mom. "I wish I had met her," says Juanita as Gaby comes out of the bathroom and lurks behind them. "You would have loved her," says Carlos. Juanita asks if Carlos thinks about her a lot, and Carlos says, "Every day. She was the light of my life. And that's why we named you after her because I could not imagine a world without a Juanita Solis in it." That tears me up much more than I thought possible. This scene: best in the whole episode. Carlos turns and notices Gaby, and she beckons Juanita to bed. The two of them leave the room and holy hell, Juanita is seriously just about the same size as her mom. It's crazy.
Gaby tucks in Juanita, who informs her that she and her friend want to go to the mall the next day. Gaby says she doesn't have time to take her, and also refuses Juanita's next request to let her ride her bike to the mall. "You're mean," says Juanita, but it doesn't really have any bite to it. "Well, sometimes I have to be mean because it's my job to protect you," explains Gaby. "What if you got hit by a bus?" Juanita: "That's not gonna happen!" Oh Juanita, I can't wait for you to become a teenager. "Well I can't take that chance," says Gaby. "You're my whole world. If something happened to you it would ruin my whole life." Her daughter nods as Gaby leans down to give her a kiss; at the door, Carlos stands and listens in on this prime example of dramatic irony.
Over at the house of self-pity, Bree sits in her living room with this look on her face like her entire world is falling apart. Orson wheels into the room with another woman who carries a box (exposition tells us that she's Orson's physical therapist, and I'd be interested to go back and see if it's the same one from last year). The PT leaves the Hodges alone and Orson asks if Bree will be okay. "Let's see," she says, "uh, I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking. I've had better Mondays." Orson apologizes, but Bree tells him not to be sorry because it's for the best. "We haven't been happy for a long time."
"You know what you need," says Orson. "A project." Bree says that's not the solution, that it would just be another way to avoid her emotions, and that she needs to figure out what to do with her life. "Well, whatever you do I know it will be spectacular," says Orson, holding out a hand that Bree gratefully takes. "Goodbye, Bree." And Orson leaves. This scene absolutely kills me. It completely resonates with all the wonderful qualities that made Bree and Orson such a couple to root for back in the day. I also think that this must have been just as heartbreaking a goodbye for the actors as it was for the characters, and that makes it all the more tragic. Why did they have to ruin this couple so completely?
Anyway, Bree sits quietly for a moment before getting up to go look at some family photos. She reminisces over her and Rex's wedding photo--also heartbreaking--and then smiles at a picture of her and Orson. It's then that she notices that the wallpaper is peeling. Annoyed, she climbs up to try to stick it back into place, but after a few failed attempts, loses it and rips it clear off the wall. Cue her going mad and ripping the wallpaper off of all of the walls until she's interrupted by a ringing phone. It's Orson, calling to make sure she's okay after "last night." Yes, Bree spent the whole night ripping wallpaper off of the walls. God, that is such an old-school Bree thing to do that my heart is singing. Please let this be the start of something good for her character. She tells Orson that she's found a project. Hell yes, you have.
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Over in the local jail, Paul is visiting Felicia. We quickly learn that Felicia is in for at least eighteen months and that she and Paul hate each other now more than ever. "Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I don't care what I have to do. I will see you behind bars again or dead, whichever is easier," says Felicia. She accuses Paul of killing her sister, but Paul breezily tells her he has to go do things like walk around in the fresh air. "You know you did it," says Felicia. Paul hangs up the phone--they record the conversations--and mouths, "I did it." Oh these crazy kids.
At the Scavos', the girls have gathered and Susan is trying to hawk her jewelry, which Lynette declares is "so big." Heh. That doesn't begin to cover how hideous it is. Actually, Susan takes it as a compliment. "You're welcome?" says Lynette. Double heh. Susan says she can't believe that the jewelry isn't selling and asks which of them wants some earrings. Said earrings are a big pink bead attached to several loops that ends with a chunky gold circle. They are horrible. She tries to sell them to Bree, who in turn pushes them on Gaby, who in turn changes the subject to where Renee is. Susan won't give up, though, and she promptly pawns them off on Lynette, who says she'll buy them and then snarks, "What are you guys getting?" to Gaby and Bree. "I'm gonna buy this. For Bree," says Gaby, picking up a gargantuan necklace. Fortunately for all, this is interrupted by Renee's arrival; Lynette makes quick introductions.
Ever polite, Bree says they've heard so much about Lynette's old roommate. "Ah, yes. You know how in school the pretty girls all hang out together," says Renee. "Well, I refused to go along with that." The girls are clearly taken aback, but Lynette just goes with it, saying that Renee comes off as a little stuck up, but it's great because it just saves everyone time. It's clear that Gaby, Susan and Bree aren't sure how to take this, and to be truthful, it is all very strange. I mean, people just don't talk to Lynette like this, and I think that's why it's coming off so foreign. Honestly, I hate "friendships" like this; they're so emotionally draining and even if you give as good as you get (which these two clearly do), eventually it's just going to leave you empty and depressed. If Lynette really roomed with her in college then it's almost as if she moved from one form of abuse to another (which sounds a little over-the-top, but seriously, I have had relationships like this before and they suck).
Anyway, Susan tries to change the subject by asking what Lynette was like in college. "Oh absolutely fearless," says Renee. "She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumors be damned!" Oh Lord. Lynette makes a zing about STDs and Gaby observes that they play rough. "No," says Lynette with this big, forced smile. "It's just what we do. It's fun. I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up..." Renee: "And I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down." Ah yes, fun times all around. They laugh awkwardly and, again, Susan tries to change the subject to Renee's husband. Lynette mentions that in their sorority--yes, Lynette, in a sorority; take a moment to let that mental image soak in while I remember that the only reason I can't scoff is because I was in a sorority--voted Renee the most likely to marry well. "And Lynette was voted most likely to succeed," says Renee. Then she makes this little tisking sound and Lynette's face falls. See what I mean about a friendship like this? It preys on insecurities.
Lynette demands to know what Renee meant by her little aside, and Renee says it's nothing and that she doesn't want to make Lynette feel bad. Yeah right. "I think our college friends would be surprised to see how you ended up," says Renee. Gaby laughs--thinking they're still being "funny"--and Susan and Bree give her dirty looks. I love how uncomfortable the other three are with this. It's like they're seeing Lynette painted in a different way for the first time; not as the strong woman they all believe she is, but as the weak little girl whose insecurities are what made her into such a control freak. It's kind of heartbreaking.
Lynette points out that she has had a career and raised a family, but that's not enough for Renee, who says they all had "such high hopes" for her. "At least I didn't spend the last fifteen years sponging off a rich guy," snarks Lynette. Susan begs for them to stop; they ignore her and continue fighting. "The Lynette I knew never would have settled for this," says Renee, as though Lynette's life is so terrible. "You were adventurous. You backpacked through Croatia. You jumped on stage at a Springsteen concert. It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team." And that does it folks; astounded looks all around, but none as shocked as poor Tom, who has just walked in the door and looks completely crushed.
Commercials.
That night, Lynette is taking off the ugly earrings (she wore those all day?) while Tom sits on their bed already in his pajamas. Lynette is completely baffled by Renee's behavior, asking Tom why she would come all the way across the country just to dump on her life. Because she is mean and jealous. Tom, completely distracted, says, "Two guys, huh?" Lynette barely acknowledges that before going back to Renee, but Tom can't let this go. He wants details. "Oh, drop it, Tom!" she begs, but he just goes on to say that he's shielded her from the raunchier parts of his past like a little story he calls "D-cups on the teacups." Oh God. Lynette throws a toy ball at his head. He deserves it. "Okay, I'm dropping it now," he says. He asks why she's getting upset, considering how much she and Renee love to pick at one another, but Lynette is sincerely traumatized. She says that Renee wasn't joking and that she doesn't "get to be disappointed in my life." Tom tells her that she should tell Renee, and Lynette agrees. Then Tom goes on to push his luck by requesting that they revisit something he asked for on his fortieth birthday that he thinks seems doable in light of recent revelations. Lynette responds by slamming the door. Seriously, Tom? She had a baby like a week ago. Idiot.
Downstairs, Lynette tosses a phone book at Renee and tells her to look for a hotel. Finally sincere, Renee says that she thought she might have hit a nerve that afternoon. "If you find my life that pathetic, I'm going to spare you the agony of observing it," says Lynette. She turns to leave, but Renee stops her by saying she doesn't think Lynette's life is pathetic. Hurt, Lynette acquiesces this point, but says that Renee clearly thinks her life is better, so Lynette will just admit that it is. "Congratulations," she says, turning again. This time Renee calls out that her husband is leaving her; she found out he was cheating and he chose the affair over her. She didn't have anywhere else to go, so she came to Lynette.
As usual, Lynette proves to be completely wonderful by letting go of all of her anger and simply showing compassion for her friend. She drops down on the sofa bed, hand over her heart, and asks why Renee didn't tell her. "I haven't even admitted it to myself yet. How could I tell you?" asks Renee. Lynette tells her that she can stay as long as she needs to, and then the two of them go back to insulting one another. This relationship is completely screwed up.
Jack is at the hospital working late when Carlos bursts in. He tells Jack that he's giving him two options: one, he'll sue the hospital or two, Jack makes the whole thing go away. Jack tries to point out that they've already taken steps to find the other family, but Carlos orders him to try to call it off. He doesn't want Gaby to know. "If Gaby knew the truth, it would kill her. No, I can't tell her."
Meanwhile, Gaby tells Bree the exact same thing: she can't tell Carlos about his mother. She says that Carlos is so happy; she doesn't want to ruin that by telling him the truth. "I won't let anything change that." This better not end with Gaby and Carlos splitting up, that's all I have to say.
Back at the craphole, Mike is sulkily drinking a beer when Susan comes in with groceries. Mike says that the bank turned down his loan application, so he's not going to be able to expand his business which means that he'll only be able to take "dinky" jobs and they'll never get out of there. Susan sighs, but tries to be upbeat. Mike has a better idea: he moves to Alaska and works six months on an oil rig. HA! Oh man. Sure, douche. Go for it. Susan says that she and MJ need him, but Mike says he has to go. "Give me a month before you make a decision," begs Susan. She says she thinks the jewelry biz will take off soon; Mike is skeptical.
Cut to Susan knocking on Maxine's door. She agrees to work for her and any self-respect Susan had left just went out the window. By the way, Susan, this coming out will not help your teaching career. This plot has just become truly depressing.
Commercials.
A handyman, Keith, is inspecting Bree's home repair work. He thinks Bree should go with a bold color like scarlet, but she's skeptical. There's a honk outside and Bree heads out to find Orson there with his physical therapist. He has papers for her to sign (fastest divorce EVER), and she invites him to a dinner party at Andrew's on the tenth. She says that both she and Andrew want him to still feel like part of the family. That right there also kills me. I loved Andrew and Orson's relationship; I feel like Bree is still trying too. It's painful to see what happens next, which is that the PT points out that she and Orson have plans that night and Bree realizes they're involved.
Orson tells the PT to wait in the van, and then tells Bree that his relationship with Judy evolved. Bree wants to know if that happened while they were still together, but Orson says no, Judy waited a respectable amount of time. Bree, validly, points out that it's been a week, and Orson, nobly, doesn't point out that she had an affair for the better part of last year. Anyway, they're both broken. Orson says that at their age, and after so many years of being miserable, they can't let an opportunity pass them by.
Bree goes back into the house, broken, while Keith blathers on about a painting the room a bright yellow. She looks at him like she's seeing how attractive he is for the first time and really, writers, really, she's over Orson that fast? God. Bree was finally likable again in this episode; can't we continue her on that path? Why does she have to jump write into something else?
Across the street, Paul's checking his mail when Lee walks up. He says the neighbors are blaming him for Paul's return; Paul, unsurprisingly, couldn't care less. In fact, he wants to buy his old house from Lee. So bizarre. I suppose his evil plan is rooted in real estate acquisitions.
"Bad news travels quickly," says Mary Alice as the camera follows a child on a bicycle. "And when it arrives we have to find a way to deal with it." Bree picks up a newspaper as Mary Alice says, "If our husbands tell us they've moved on, we look for project to distract us." Bree glances lustfully at Keith. Blah. Over at Susan's, Mrs. Delfino is dressed in pink lingerie while she dusts her laptop. "If the bills start to stack up, we find ways to earn extra cash." That is just so pathetic. Meanwhile, Carlos and Gaby are eating breakfast. "If we're told a secret too terrible to share, we learn to keep it to ourselves." Cut to the jail, where Felicia hangs up a picture of Paul. "But we must remember the bad news that's delivered can sometimes be good news in disguise." Felicia and her roommate discuss what a shame it is that Paul is out free, but Felicia says that now he can finally receive the punishment he deserves. "Paul Young will be dead within six months," says Felicia. When asked how when she's in jail, Felicia offer that "Paul Young doesn't have friends on that street. I do." How ominous!
Well, I'd give that episode a solid B. It was actually really depressing; more so than I realized when I first watched it. Most of the humor came from Lynette and Renee zinging each other, but there was something so hateful about it that it ended up just making me sadder. Plus, so much of the episode was exposition to set up what's coming next. I think that they have some really interesting places to go from here, but tonight was definitely just the foundation. But at least, for once, I'm actually interested in the mystery. Here's hoping it doesn't drag out indefinitely.
Some Fun
Snagged this from another LJ while I was searching for Friday Night Lights fanfic. I just thought it would be fun.
1) The first character I fell in love with:
I'd have to say Lynette. Mary Alice drew me in and hooked me in the first couple of seconds and, initially, I thought that Susan was going to be my favorite (oh, do not mock me...she was not nearly so annoying in the beginning), but Lynette was the first one I loved. It was that moment when she broke down on the soccer field to Susan and Bree; I just knew I'd love her forever.
2) The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:
Carlos. He was such a jerk at the beginning and then they slowly melded him into a lovable jerk (last season's drama with Lynette aside).
3) The character everyone else loves that I don't:
Bree. I don't mind Bree, but everyone else loves her and I certainly don't. She's just too unrelenting and hypocritical for me to really feel a connection to.
4) The character I love that everyone else hates:
I'm not sure there is one for DH. I seem to be able to better tolerate Susan more than a lot of other people do, but I do not love her in any way, shape or form.
5) The character I would sex up or make out with anytime:
Uh, this one should be so obvious. Tom. Love him.
6) The character I'd want to be like:
Want to be like? Probably Karen McCluskey once I'm a little old lady. I want to be feisty like that.
7) The character I'd slap:
Mike. Because he is a douche.
8) A pairing that I love:
Another obvious one: Tom and Lynette. Seriously, since the moment they danced together in the living room in "Pretty Little Picture" I have been in love with them. They top the charts of my all-time faves.
9) A pairing that I despise:
Edie and Carlos. She turned into a such a mess around him and I never understood why. Edie just always seemed so above and beyond that, so I never liked that she became this pathetic sob story around him. Plus it was SO obvious that Carlos and Gaby were going to end up back together, so it was a waste of time.
10) Favorite character:
Lynette. Obviously.
11) What are your five favorite things about your fandom?
1) That they're really faithful to the pairings. Especially Tom and Lynette.
2) How over-the-top the comedy can be. See Gaby pushing Carlos out the window for a prime example.
3) That usually they don't drag the storylines on for too long. They don't outlive their interest. The exception, of course, are the mystery storylines which I ALWAYS think go on too long.
4) The little side characters. Bob and Lee and Karen are all fantastic. Martha Huber was amazing. Karl. I could go on.
5) The group scenes. These actors are fantastic and when they're all put in one scene together it's like gold.
12) What are your five least favorite things about your fandom?
1) The recent retconning of stuff. I hate where they've taken Bree in the past year.
2) Not enough focus on the four main characters. They keep squeezing in too many side plots and then they cut away from the main characters. And usually Gaby and Lynette get the shaft and they're my faves.
3) John Rowland. Enough said.
4) The disaster episodes. It was like they took a formula that worked once and pushed it past the realm of believability. The plane crash last year was atrocious.
5) They have a tendency to close storylines by killing someone off. Sometimes (not always) that seems like a cop-out.
13) Who are your five favorite characters?
1) Lynette
2) Tom
3) Lee
4) Gaby
5) Mary Alice
14) Who are your five least favorite characters?
1) Applewhites
2) Kayla
3) Rick
4) Ana
5) Julie
15) What are your five favorite pairings?
1) Tom/Lynette
2) Gaby/Carlos
3) Bree/Rex
4) Susan/Mike
5) Karl/Edie
16) What are your five least favorite pairings?
1) Edie/Carlos
2) Katherine/Mike
3) Susan/anyone but Mike or Karl
4) Gaby/Victor
5) Julie/Austin
17) Which character are you most like?
Hmm. Lynette in the whole has to be strong/control issues/too obsessed with work way, but I definitely have some of Susan's dippy, romantic side to me (without all the drama).
18) What is your deep, dark fandom secret?
I have every Tom and Lynette scene saved on my computer for easy access.
1) The first character I fell in love with:
I'd have to say Lynette. Mary Alice drew me in and hooked me in the first couple of seconds and, initially, I thought that Susan was going to be my favorite (oh, do not mock me...she was not nearly so annoying in the beginning), but Lynette was the first one I loved. It was that moment when she broke down on the soccer field to Susan and Bree; I just knew I'd love her forever.
2) The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:
Carlos. He was such a jerk at the beginning and then they slowly melded him into a lovable jerk (last season's drama with Lynette aside).
3) The character everyone else loves that I don't:
Bree. I don't mind Bree, but everyone else loves her and I certainly don't. She's just too unrelenting and hypocritical for me to really feel a connection to.
4) The character I love that everyone else hates:
I'm not sure there is one for DH. I seem to be able to better tolerate Susan more than a lot of other people do, but I do not love her in any way, shape or form.
5) The character I would sex up or make out with anytime:
Uh, this one should be so obvious. Tom. Love him.
6) The character I'd want to be like:
Want to be like? Probably Karen McCluskey once I'm a little old lady. I want to be feisty like that.
7) The character I'd slap:
Mike. Because he is a douche.
8) A pairing that I love:
Another obvious one: Tom and Lynette. Seriously, since the moment they danced together in the living room in "Pretty Little Picture" I have been in love with them. They top the charts of my all-time faves.
9) A pairing that I despise:
Edie and Carlos. She turned into a such a mess around him and I never understood why. Edie just always seemed so above and beyond that, so I never liked that she became this pathetic sob story around him. Plus it was SO obvious that Carlos and Gaby were going to end up back together, so it was a waste of time.
10) Favorite character:
Lynette. Obviously.
11) What are your five favorite things about your fandom?
1) That they're really faithful to the pairings. Especially Tom and Lynette.
2) How over-the-top the comedy can be. See Gaby pushing Carlos out the window for a prime example.
3) That usually they don't drag the storylines on for too long. They don't outlive their interest. The exception, of course, are the mystery storylines which I ALWAYS think go on too long.
4) The little side characters. Bob and Lee and Karen are all fantastic. Martha Huber was amazing. Karl. I could go on.
5) The group scenes. These actors are fantastic and when they're all put in one scene together it's like gold.
12) What are your five least favorite things about your fandom?
1) The recent retconning of stuff. I hate where they've taken Bree in the past year.
2) Not enough focus on the four main characters. They keep squeezing in too many side plots and then they cut away from the main characters. And usually Gaby and Lynette get the shaft and they're my faves.
3) John Rowland. Enough said.
4) The disaster episodes. It was like they took a formula that worked once and pushed it past the realm of believability. The plane crash last year was atrocious.
5) They have a tendency to close storylines by killing someone off. Sometimes (not always) that seems like a cop-out.
13) Who are your five favorite characters?
1) Lynette
2) Tom
3) Lee
4) Gaby
5) Mary Alice
14) Who are your five least favorite characters?
1) Applewhites
2) Kayla
3) Rick
4) Ana
5) Julie
15) What are your five favorite pairings?
1) Tom/Lynette
2) Gaby/Carlos
3) Bree/Rex
4) Susan/Mike
5) Karl/Edie
16) What are your five least favorite pairings?
1) Edie/Carlos
2) Katherine/Mike
3) Susan/anyone but Mike or Karl
4) Gaby/Victor
5) Julie/Austin
17) Which character are you most like?
Hmm. Lynette in the whole has to be strong/control issues/too obsessed with work way, but I definitely have some of Susan's dippy, romantic side to me (without all the drama).
18) What is your deep, dark fandom secret?
I have every Tom and Lynette scene saved on my computer for easy access.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wish List
My Wish List for Season Seven of Desperate Housewives
1) Concentrate on the Main Characters
I've said it before and I'll say it again: four main characters are more than enough. One of my biggest problems with this show in seasons 2, 4, 5 and 6 is that the time was spread too thin between Bree, Lynette, Gaby and Susan. I watch this show for the main four and everyone else should be there to support and elevate their plotlines. With the addition of Paul Young and his wife, I'm afraid this is going to be another season where too much time is relocated to other characters.
My greatest hope is that they'll use Williams much like they used Nicollette Sheridan in season 1; not as a main character, but as a character foil. I'm fine with her coming in to add some spice to the show, but that doesn't mean I want the show to become all about her.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 100 to 1. Have you seen the way they've been promoting the new season?
2) A Big Change for Bree's Character
I've spent more time disliking Bree than liking her in the past 2 seasons. She's become too hypocritical and too self-righteous. Even worse, her storylines have been downright laughable. Not only do they keep retconning things (that Rex has a secret son story was idiotic), but they're doing it for plots that are stupid and pointless. I can't think of one storyline Bree has had in recent history that has actually gone anywhere. I really want to care about Bree again. Please, show, let me care about her.
By the way, this does not mean she just needs a new man. Orson was not the problem.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 50 to 1. I think that by finally dissolving Bree and Orson's marriage, the writers have realized they've boxed Bree into a corner and need to do something to change it. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll succeed, particularly if Bree is mean to be Susan redux.
3) Mike Stops Being a Douche
It's hard enough to like Susan, but usually when she and Mike are together it's a little easier. Except when Mike acts like such an asshole that it's impossible for the viewer to understand what Susan sees in him. So please, make Mike somewhat likable again.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 10000 to 1. Their money problems weren't resolved last year and if MJ really is the victim of baby switching then I can totally see Mike acting like an ass about it. Especially if it turns out that MJ was switched with Evan Mayer.
4) Do Not Give Tom Another Mid-Life Crisis
Yes, DH writers, at times it is humorous that Tom is "whipped." However, I do not want to watch him whine and sulk and do stupid things because of it. It's become repetitive and dull and I don't care anymore.
Remember back in the first two seasons (before the horror that was season three) when Tom was just a little clueless, but fairly confident and definitely competent? Yeah, that's the Tom I would like back. Stop making him so wishy-washy about what he wants to do with his life and have him man up a little. Please.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100 to 1. I'm afraid that Lynette will go back to her job, and Tom will be at home with the baby and depressed. But I'll hold out a little hope that they'll move past it quickly and give Tom a purpose again.
5) Gaby Becomes Likable Again
I don't know what they did last year to make Gaby so unlikable, but they need to correct that quickly. Yes, Gaby is shallow and greedy and selfish, and those things make her funny. However, there used to be something to balance that; there was more substance to her character. And, by the way, letting her have a brief moment of regret or sadness that explains away her obnoxious behavior only for her to be back to the exact same shenanigans the next episode does not make her likable.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They seemed to be trying to get Gaby's character back to normal by the end of last season. Plus with the truth about her mother-in-law's death coming out, Gaby has the potential to be more interesting.
6) No More Segmented Episodes
Splitting the episode into four or five distinct stories has only had about a 50-50 success rate. Last season "Lovely" was hilarious; "If" was atrocious. But no matter if it works or not, that format has become stale and overdone. Please give the audience a break this season.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 10000 to 1. They've done 5 of these episodes in the past 2 years. I think they're addicted.
7) No More Arbitrary Deaths
Killing people off for shock value turns out to be not so shocking if you do it every year. Especially when you kill off characters like Karl. What was the point of that? What? Martha Huber's death was a surprise and it served a purpose. Norah's death was startling and served a purpose. If you have a reason for doing it, then go right ahead, show. But stop killing them off because you think it will up the ratings. It just pisses people off.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 50 to 1. I already heard they're planning a death for this season. I give them a 50-50 chance that it'll be for a legitimate reason.
8) More Group Scenes
This ensemble cast is fantastic in pairs--as that's how the plots are generally broken up--but they're also fabulous in a larger group. Not only do I want more scenes between the girls, but I want another awkward party with the majority of the neighborhood present. "The Game" and "Pretty Little Picture" are two of the funniest episodes of this show. I'd love to see something like that again this season.
Likelihood that I"ll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. I've read that they're trying to get back to their roots this season and this is one of the key things people have been asking for. I'm going to put my faith in them on this one.
9) No More Illegitimate Children
I do not want to see Carlos' long lost conjoined twins show up this season to cause havoc in his and Gaby's lives. Do not go there, show. You've already overdone it.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. Carlos is the only one left who hasn't had a mystery kid show up. Somehow I doubt that after his niece debacle last season that they'll try to add another kid to his and Gaby's life.
10) Do Not Retcon Lynette's Character
Vanessa Williams' character is connected to Lynette which of course means that there will be scoop on Lynette's past. I'm fine with this, show. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. But please do not screw it up be rewriting her entire history. Consistency is a sign of good writing, so prove that you can step up to the plate. Lately you've been hit or miss with this.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They get lazy sometimes, but mostly they stay on top of things.
Bonus: Keep the Kids' Ages Consistent!!!
If you keep going the way you are, Juanita is going to be older than Penny. Who, by the way, should be 14 this year. Get with the program, writers.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100000000 to 1. Do I even have to explain why?
1) Concentrate on the Main Characters
I've said it before and I'll say it again: four main characters are more than enough. One of my biggest problems with this show in seasons 2, 4, 5 and 6 is that the time was spread too thin between Bree, Lynette, Gaby and Susan. I watch this show for the main four and everyone else should be there to support and elevate their plotlines. With the addition of Paul Young and his wife, I'm afraid this is going to be another season where too much time is relocated to other characters.
My greatest hope is that they'll use Williams much like they used Nicollette Sheridan in season 1; not as a main character, but as a character foil. I'm fine with her coming in to add some spice to the show, but that doesn't mean I want the show to become all about her.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 100 to 1. Have you seen the way they've been promoting the new season?
2) A Big Change for Bree's Character
I've spent more time disliking Bree than liking her in the past 2 seasons. She's become too hypocritical and too self-righteous. Even worse, her storylines have been downright laughable. Not only do they keep retconning things (that Rex has a secret son story was idiotic), but they're doing it for plots that are stupid and pointless. I can't think of one storyline Bree has had in recent history that has actually gone anywhere. I really want to care about Bree again. Please, show, let me care about her.
By the way, this does not mean she just needs a new man. Orson was not the problem.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 50 to 1. I think that by finally dissolving Bree and Orson's marriage, the writers have realized they've boxed Bree into a corner and need to do something to change it. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll succeed, particularly if Bree is mean to be Susan redux.
3) Mike Stops Being a Douche
It's hard enough to like Susan, but usually when she and Mike are together it's a little easier. Except when Mike acts like such an asshole that it's impossible for the viewer to understand what Susan sees in him. So please, make Mike somewhat likable again.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 10000 to 1. Their money problems weren't resolved last year and if MJ really is the victim of baby switching then I can totally see Mike acting like an ass about it. Especially if it turns out that MJ was switched with Evan Mayer.
4) Do Not Give Tom Another Mid-Life Crisis
Yes, DH writers, at times it is humorous that Tom is "whipped." However, I do not want to watch him whine and sulk and do stupid things because of it. It's become repetitive and dull and I don't care anymore.
Remember back in the first two seasons (before the horror that was season three) when Tom was just a little clueless, but fairly confident and definitely competent? Yeah, that's the Tom I would like back. Stop making him so wishy-washy about what he wants to do with his life and have him man up a little. Please.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100 to 1. I'm afraid that Lynette will go back to her job, and Tom will be at home with the baby and depressed. But I'll hold out a little hope that they'll move past it quickly and give Tom a purpose again.
5) Gaby Becomes Likable Again
I don't know what they did last year to make Gaby so unlikable, but they need to correct that quickly. Yes, Gaby is shallow and greedy and selfish, and those things make her funny. However, there used to be something to balance that; there was more substance to her character. And, by the way, letting her have a brief moment of regret or sadness that explains away her obnoxious behavior only for her to be back to the exact same shenanigans the next episode does not make her likable.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They seemed to be trying to get Gaby's character back to normal by the end of last season. Plus with the truth about her mother-in-law's death coming out, Gaby has the potential to be more interesting.
6) No More Segmented Episodes
Splitting the episode into four or five distinct stories has only had about a 50-50 success rate. Last season "Lovely" was hilarious; "If" was atrocious. But no matter if it works or not, that format has become stale and overdone. Please give the audience a break this season.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 10000 to 1. They've done 5 of these episodes in the past 2 years. I think they're addicted.
7) No More Arbitrary Deaths
Killing people off for shock value turns out to be not so shocking if you do it every year. Especially when you kill off characters like Karl. What was the point of that? What? Martha Huber's death was a surprise and it served a purpose. Norah's death was startling and served a purpose. If you have a reason for doing it, then go right ahead, show. But stop killing them off because you think it will up the ratings. It just pisses people off.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 50 to 1. I already heard they're planning a death for this season. I give them a 50-50 chance that it'll be for a legitimate reason.
8) More Group Scenes
This ensemble cast is fantastic in pairs--as that's how the plots are generally broken up--but they're also fabulous in a larger group. Not only do I want more scenes between the girls, but I want another awkward party with the majority of the neighborhood present. "The Game" and "Pretty Little Picture" are two of the funniest episodes of this show. I'd love to see something like that again this season.
Likelihood that I"ll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. I've read that they're trying to get back to their roots this season and this is one of the key things people have been asking for. I'm going to put my faith in them on this one.
9) No More Illegitimate Children
I do not want to see Carlos' long lost conjoined twins show up this season to cause havoc in his and Gaby's lives. Do not go there, show. You've already overdone it.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. Carlos is the only one left who hasn't had a mystery kid show up. Somehow I doubt that after his niece debacle last season that they'll try to add another kid to his and Gaby's life.
10) Do Not Retcon Lynette's Character
Vanessa Williams' character is connected to Lynette which of course means that there will be scoop on Lynette's past. I'm fine with this, show. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. But please do not screw it up be rewriting her entire history. Consistency is a sign of good writing, so prove that you can step up to the plate. Lately you've been hit or miss with this.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They get lazy sometimes, but mostly they stay on top of things.
Bonus: Keep the Kids' Ages Consistent!!!
If you keep going the way you are, Juanita is going to be older than Penny. Who, by the way, should be 14 this year. Get with the program, writers.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100000000 to 1. Do I even have to explain why?
Friday, September 3, 2010
How strange...
This is...so oddly familiar. It's like something out of a dream...No...Wait...
It was 2008...Susan and Mike had broken up for the fiftieth time for God knows what reason...And wasn't there something about Susan sleeping with the dude she hired to paint her house after the divorce?...Yes, it's all coming back to me now!
For the record, I don't want to watch this plot again.
Oh, and can Bree be single for possibly more than 3 minutes? Thanks so much.
Monday, August 30, 2010
DH Promo
They finally (finally!!!) posted the new Desperate Housewives promo for season seven! I am ridiculously excited for this--as in after a truly blah day of working almost 10 hours I came home and did a little dance. It's just another sign that I'm this much closer to new episodes and new fanfic inspiration and new recaps! I absolutely cannot wait!
As far as the actual promo goes it's definitely one of my faves. In fact, it might be my favorite of all of the promos. I liked that it included more characters than just the girls; I felt like the time was spread fairly evenly instead of being the Teri Hatcher show; and it was clever and just slightly over the top. Very cute. Plus Eva Longoria Parker and Felicity Huffman totally steal the sass show at the end which is awesome for about a hundred different reasons. I love it!
Here it is.
Enjoy!!
As far as the actual promo goes it's definitely one of my faves. In fact, it might be my favorite of all of the promos. I liked that it included more characters than just the girls; I felt like the time was spread fairly evenly instead of being the Teri Hatcher show; and it was clever and just slightly over the top. Very cute. Plus Eva Longoria Parker and Felicity Huffman totally steal the sass show at the end which is awesome for about a hundred different reasons. I love it!
Here it is.
Enjoy!!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Casting
In the month or so since season six ended, I've read a lot of different casting news. This is in addition to all the little blurbs that came toward the end of the season (like Dana Delany and Kevin Rahm leaving the show). But yesterday I heard one that intrigued me enough to actually take some time to discuss all the changes that are coming in season seven. Spoilers abound, so turn back if you don't like that kind of thing.
Dana Delany (Katherine Mayfair) is out
I was never too upset about this news, although I know that Katherine is a really popular character. I liked Katherine best when she and Bree were at odds, especially as she was the only one who ever really told Bree off. Her mental breakdown in season six was also a good, if outlandish, plot with which Delany did a great job. However, these storylines were mere blips in the three years that Delany was on the show, so for a majority of the time, I was fairly disinterested in Katherine.
I think my main problem with Katherine, though--and it was the same problem I had with Edie--is that they tried to make her into a main character without actually making her a main character. That probably doesn't make much sense, but what I mean is that they gave her long, involved plots that really stood independently, but they never quite committed to making her one of the main characters. As a result, she took up a lot of screen time that always seemed meandering and pointless to me.
In my opinion, using an hour to focus on four different characters often involved in four different plots is already a daunting task. One of the reasons the first season was so successful was because Susan, Lynette, Bree and Gaby were the center of the show. Every other character was there to fuel their plots--even Edie. When the show started to bump up characters like Edie and then Katherine into more central roles, it simply took a lot of time away from the main four. I've said it before and I'll say it again--it was the reason I wasn't broken-hearted about Nicollette Sheridan leaving and now it's the reason I'm not overwrought about Dana Delany. And if they had remained supporting characters, I'd probably feel differently.
Kevin Rahm (Lee McDermott) is out; Tuc Watkins (Bob Hunter) is in
Bob and Lee were minor characters handled exactly the right way. They had great little moments of humor and their plots were always directly connected to at least one of the four main characters. However, Bob and Lee were also a unit--Bob playing the straight man (so to speak) to Lee's comedy. It's hard to imagine one of them without the other, so I'm not sure how I feel about this move. It almost seems like if one of them goes, the other has to go too, but I'm going to stay open-minded until I see how this goes.
I will say that I've heard Tuc Watkins can be a hilarious actor, so maybe they'll bump up his comedic role now that Kevin Rahm is leaving. Not that Lee can be replaced. Ever.
The new cast: Mark Moses (Paul Young) and Vanessa Williams (Renee Filmore-Jones)
I have read a lot of speculation on these roles on the show. I've heard varying things about who is supposed to be the involved in the central mystery and who is just coming on as a supporting character. I've also read that maybe both of them will have mysteries and we'll end up with the type of Bolen/Eddie double plot that this season had. So there's not much use in speculating on that aspect of it.
Since Vanessa Williams' casting was announced, everyone and their brother has been calling her the "new Edie." I hope that she isn't Edie redux, but, in fact, in the spirit of Edie--there to cause trouble for the other women. That being said, I recently read that Williams' character is actually going to be connected to Lynette's past; that they're old rivals. I am ridiculously excited about this. It's about time that this show brought in a new (possible) mystery character connected to someone other than Susan or Bree. Now if they could do something similar to Gaby at some point I'll be over the moon.
As for the return of Mark Moses, I've heard a lot of people speculating about what kind of trouble he'll cause now that he's back. But I always thought that Paul Young wasn't much of an intentional troublemaker. He did some stupid stuff, but he spent a majority of his time on the series trying to avoid everyone and stay under the radar. It's hard to imagine that he's back for revenge like a lot of people say. Revenge for what? On who? Felicia was the one who landed him in jail and Zach was the one who abandoned him. Neither of them are on the show any more. So... I don't know. In general, it's kind of weird that he's back on the Lane at all seeing that Paul spent the first two seasons trying to leave. But whatever. Maybe he buried treasure in his back yard or something. God only knows with Paul.
Kendall Applegate (Penny Scavo) is out
I just read this yesterday and it shocked me. They're not writing Penny out of the show, of course, but they are recasting her. As I see it, there can only be two reasons to do this. One, Kendall Applegate had to leave for some reason; or two, the show has decided to go another direction with Penny's character. If it's the latter, I hope that they've finally come to their senses and realized that if they made Penny her actual age (thirteen) then they could give her some more interesting mischief to get into. If it's the former, I still hope that when they recast they choose an actress who is a few years older.
Either way, it's a little bizarre.
Kyle MacLachlan (Orson Hodge) is out
Poor Orson. Seemingly the most polarizing character; you either love him or loathe him. Personally, I loved him, but I also think that the show drove him into the ground. From season five onward they just made Orson the most pointless, ineffective character. If the show hadn't painted him into a corner by making him unemployable then they certainly did so by crippling him. And the flip-flopping between him and Bree about who wanted a divorce was getting ridiculous. So while I'm a little sad to see Orson gone, I also almost feel like it's overdue. And I'm kind of looking forward to seeing Bree at her most desperate (and really, I didn't think it could get any worse than season two, but they somehow orchestrated the potential for disaster).
Other random tidbits
Vanessa Williams' character comes with a husband but no kids. I'm more than fine with this.
They're looking for a guy who is being billed as a young, Mike Delfino type. If they put Bree in a cougar plot I don't know if I'll gag or laugh my ass off.
Paul Young also gets a wife. To which I say: awesome.
And they're casting an older lady to play a new neighbor for Mike and Susan. At least they're not going to half-ass Susan leaving the Lane, I guess.
Dana Delany (Katherine Mayfair) is out
I was never too upset about this news, although I know that Katherine is a really popular character. I liked Katherine best when she and Bree were at odds, especially as she was the only one who ever really told Bree off. Her mental breakdown in season six was also a good, if outlandish, plot with which Delany did a great job. However, these storylines were mere blips in the three years that Delany was on the show, so for a majority of the time, I was fairly disinterested in Katherine.
I think my main problem with Katherine, though--and it was the same problem I had with Edie--is that they tried to make her into a main character without actually making her a main character. That probably doesn't make much sense, but what I mean is that they gave her long, involved plots that really stood independently, but they never quite committed to making her one of the main characters. As a result, she took up a lot of screen time that always seemed meandering and pointless to me.
In my opinion, using an hour to focus on four different characters often involved in four different plots is already a daunting task. One of the reasons the first season was so successful was because Susan, Lynette, Bree and Gaby were the center of the show. Every other character was there to fuel their plots--even Edie. When the show started to bump up characters like Edie and then Katherine into more central roles, it simply took a lot of time away from the main four. I've said it before and I'll say it again--it was the reason I wasn't broken-hearted about Nicollette Sheridan leaving and now it's the reason I'm not overwrought about Dana Delany. And if they had remained supporting characters, I'd probably feel differently.
Kevin Rahm (Lee McDermott) is out; Tuc Watkins (Bob Hunter) is in
Bob and Lee were minor characters handled exactly the right way. They had great little moments of humor and their plots were always directly connected to at least one of the four main characters. However, Bob and Lee were also a unit--Bob playing the straight man (so to speak) to Lee's comedy. It's hard to imagine one of them without the other, so I'm not sure how I feel about this move. It almost seems like if one of them goes, the other has to go too, but I'm going to stay open-minded until I see how this goes.
I will say that I've heard Tuc Watkins can be a hilarious actor, so maybe they'll bump up his comedic role now that Kevin Rahm is leaving. Not that Lee can be replaced. Ever.
The new cast: Mark Moses (Paul Young) and Vanessa Williams (Renee Filmore-Jones)
I have read a lot of speculation on these roles on the show. I've heard varying things about who is supposed to be the involved in the central mystery and who is just coming on as a supporting character. I've also read that maybe both of them will have mysteries and we'll end up with the type of Bolen/Eddie double plot that this season had. So there's not much use in speculating on that aspect of it.
Since Vanessa Williams' casting was announced, everyone and their brother has been calling her the "new Edie." I hope that she isn't Edie redux, but, in fact, in the spirit of Edie--there to cause trouble for the other women. That being said, I recently read that Williams' character is actually going to be connected to Lynette's past; that they're old rivals. I am ridiculously excited about this. It's about time that this show brought in a new (possible) mystery character connected to someone other than Susan or Bree. Now if they could do something similar to Gaby at some point I'll be over the moon.
As for the return of Mark Moses, I've heard a lot of people speculating about what kind of trouble he'll cause now that he's back. But I always thought that Paul Young wasn't much of an intentional troublemaker. He did some stupid stuff, but he spent a majority of his time on the series trying to avoid everyone and stay under the radar. It's hard to imagine that he's back for revenge like a lot of people say. Revenge for what? On who? Felicia was the one who landed him in jail and Zach was the one who abandoned him. Neither of them are on the show any more. So... I don't know. In general, it's kind of weird that he's back on the Lane at all seeing that Paul spent the first two seasons trying to leave. But whatever. Maybe he buried treasure in his back yard or something. God only knows with Paul.
Kendall Applegate (Penny Scavo) is out
I just read this yesterday and it shocked me. They're not writing Penny out of the show, of course, but they are recasting her. As I see it, there can only be two reasons to do this. One, Kendall Applegate had to leave for some reason; or two, the show has decided to go another direction with Penny's character. If it's the latter, I hope that they've finally come to their senses and realized that if they made Penny her actual age (thirteen) then they could give her some more interesting mischief to get into. If it's the former, I still hope that when they recast they choose an actress who is a few years older.
Either way, it's a little bizarre.
Kyle MacLachlan (Orson Hodge) is out
Poor Orson. Seemingly the most polarizing character; you either love him or loathe him. Personally, I loved him, but I also think that the show drove him into the ground. From season five onward they just made Orson the most pointless, ineffective character. If the show hadn't painted him into a corner by making him unemployable then they certainly did so by crippling him. And the flip-flopping between him and Bree about who wanted a divorce was getting ridiculous. So while I'm a little sad to see Orson gone, I also almost feel like it's overdue. And I'm kind of looking forward to seeing Bree at her most desperate (and really, I didn't think it could get any worse than season two, but they somehow orchestrated the potential for disaster).
Other random tidbits
Vanessa Williams' character comes with a husband but no kids. I'm more than fine with this.
They're looking for a guy who is being billed as a young, Mike Delfino type. If they put Bree in a cougar plot I don't know if I'll gag or laugh my ass off.
Paul Young also gets a wife. To which I say: awesome.
And they're casting an older lady to play a new neighbor for Mike and Susan. At least they're not going to half-ass Susan leaving the Lane, I guess.
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