DH recap: You Must Meet My Wife

Season Seven, Episode Two: "You Must Meet My Wife"

Keith is fixing little Juanita Maybe-Not-A-Solis' bike outside of Bree's house while Bree watches like a creeper from her upstairs window. Instead of pointing this out, Mary Alice comes in to say, "It had been a long time since Bree Van de Kamp was a little girl." Is it wrong that I'm kind of glad that Bree decided to go back to her original married name? Anyway, Bree steps away from the window, tightening whatever robe/jumpsuit she's wearing and sits down at a vanity as Mary Alice gets to the point: "But she could still remember everything she'd ever been told about sex." Cue flashbacks.

We see the back of a little red head with pink pigtails as an older woman furiously mixes something in a bowl. "Her grandmother informed her it was a woman's burden," says Mary Alice. Cut to the back of Bree's head number two--probably in her early teens now--sitting in church listening to a man on the pulpit. "Her minister warned her it was a sin." And finally, Bree sits in a classroom listening to a teacher (who seems to be dressed much too modernly for what would have been the 70s) talk about venereal diseases. "Her teacher taught her it was unhealthy." Back in the present day, Bree finishes pinning up her hair as Mary Alice summarizes, "Yes, everyone had told Bree her sexual urges were dangerous..." Bree steps outside, her hair now down for some reason, and stops short as she sees Keith sawing away at some wood. "...but no one had ever told her how to get rid of them." I would suggest boinking him, Bree.

Keith greets Bree, but she simply tells him she's off to the bank; he stops her with a hand to the arm and drags her over to look at the wood. "Whole new idea," he says. "I want to panel the study in this." Ew, that's pretty ugly. Apparently it's 200-year-old birch wood. Well, whatever floats your boat, guys. He makes Bree stroke the wood, taking her hand and running it over the plank. "You know what they call this? Witness wood. 'Cause it's seen so much history." HA! That is so lame. Lamer than his ensuing joke about sleeping through history class. Bree snatches her hand away and flees to her car.

"Yes, when Bree was a little girl, she'd been taught her sexual urges were dangerous," says Mary Alice as Bree--and the camera--ogle Keith's ass. Bree fastens her seatbelt and quickly backs up, running over something as she does. Leaping from the car, she hurries around to find poor little Juanita lying on the ground all banged up. "Unfortunately, she was about to learn those urges were dangerous for everyone." Sheesh.

I'm kind of conflicted about this plot for Bree. I mean, I get that she's all repressed, but she openly admitted to loving sex (to the wonderful Dr. Goldfine), had a very loving relationship with Orson up until everything went to hell, and then dallied around with Karl for the better part of last year. There has been a definite sexual progression of Bree throughout the seasons, and I feel like it's a bit of a backward step to have her go back to suppressing her urges. All she did last year was give into her desires, and she never really seemed to regret it (remember that whole episode with the maid judging her and Bree decided she didn't care?). Again, I wish that they had done more with Bree following Karl's death. That affair seems more and more arbitrary every day, not to mention Karl's death (which has been pointless from the start). Oh well.

Wee little credits.

We come back in a busy hospital as Mary Alice gets to her real theme of the week. "The doctors and nurses at Fairview Hospital are experts at healing," she says as we close in on a man with a cast. "They can set bones..." A woman walks down the hall with her whole hand wrapped in gauze. "...bandage wounds..." A doctor gives a little old lady some pills to swallow. "...and treat diseases." The camera swings around to the waiting room where Andrew, Bree, Mrs. McCluskey and Lynette are waiting. Okay, most random group ever. "Sadly, one thing they don't know how to heal is a guilty conscience." Bree paces to let us know she feels guilt.

"I don't know what happened. She just came out of nowhere," Bree cries as Lynette soothes her (though we all know that Lynette would have gone crazy if this had happened to one of her kiddos). Andrew backs up Lynette by saying that Juanita was talking when she got in the ambulance and he's sure everything is fine. "And I just spoke to one of the nurses," adds Karen. "She seemed pretty positive." Very suddenly, we hear Paul say, "Well that's a relief," as the camera moves around to show him walking into the waiting room. I probably don't need to mention this, but the little group is stunned that he's there. "I heard about the accident so I rushed right over. That's what neighbors do, right?" he smarms not so subtly. Oh Paul, you have such a unique brand of crazy. I wish they would add another layer to his hatred of the neighborhood by having him blame them for Mary Alice's death (since that's what led to his incarceration). It would actually make a lot more sense than him just being pissed that they never visited him while he was in jail.

Anyway, Bree and Lynette make a veiled attempt at politeness to cover their shock while Karen directly tells Paul that he doesn't have to hang around since there's nothing they can do. "We can pray," says Paul, holding out his hands. Everyone makes a second grade "ew, cooties!" face, but they slowly join hands. Immediately Paul launches into this prayer: "Dear Lord, we ask that you be with this young child and with the doctors caring for her. That she may be returned in full health to her loving family. Amen." The hilarious part is that while he's praying, Bree mouths to Lynette, "What is he doing?" and Lynette mouths back, "I don't know!" and Karen shrugs incredulously. Their sidebar conversation while Paul has his head bowed in prayer is amazing. Anyway, they quickly pretend they were listening and add amens as Paul finishes. Strangely, Paul dismisses himself right after that, saying that he has to go meet someone. Bizarre. "Dear Lord," says Karen after he leaves, "please don't let that creep ever touch me again." Lynette: "Amen." HA!

Suddenly, Gaby storms into the room, all tiny and powerful, but very calm. She tells the group that Juanita is going to be fine, but that they're keeping her a couple of days for observation (she also gives some exposition: Carlos is on a business trip). Then she drags Bree and Andrew into another room, waving and exclaiming to Lynette and Karen as she goes, "Thanks for coming! I feel so blessed to have such wonderful..." As the door shuts, Gaby whips around and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you people? First you take out my mother-in-law then you go after my daughter! Are you trying to kill off every Juanita Solis on the planet?!" HAHA! Best line of the episode. Congrats, Gaby.

Bree stutters excuses about it being a coincidence and adds that she's sorry, but Juanita just came out of nowhere. "Have you seen my daughter? She never comes out of nowhere," snarks Gaby. Bree doesn't quite know what to say to this (and really, can you blame her), so Andrew takes advantage of the awkward pause to step in and thank Gaby for not telling Carlos about his big secret (as if Gaby did it for him in any way, shape or form). Gaby: "I'm gonna give you that one 'cause I wasn't fond of her, but as for the rest of my family: learn to swerve!" Hee! She flies from the room, a ferocious little cloud, and Andrew casually asks Bree why this keeps happening. "I don't know," says Bree. "Maybe God's punishing us." This doesn't fly with Andrew, who jokes, "Or, God is punishing the Solises and we're just doing God's work." That's classy, Andrew.

Anyway, Bree still feels guilty and says that she shouldn't have been fiddling with the radio. I'm glad to hear that she came up with a respectable excuse; for a minute there, I was worried that her reputation might be tarnished. Andrew is not so easily fooled, however, and says that he saw Bree from across the street "checking out Keith's ass." Did he have binoculars or something? It's kind of hard to believe that he could see her staring at Keith's butt from across the street while she was in her car. Maybe his new job is being a creepy stalker. Anyway, Bree denies this (surprise, surprise), insisting that it was the radio. "Okay, fine," acquiesces Andrew. "But while we're talking about the radio, you do know that that particular model is like fifteen years too young for you, right?" Is that guy really fifteen years younger than Bree? He looks a lot older. I guess it doesn't matter what I think, because the comment hits home for Bree.

Unfortunately, we cut to Susan, who is in her apartment vacuuming in her lingerie in front of the computer. Yes, that's right, her "porn" career has begun. I'm really beginning to wonder if Teri Hatcher put some kind of nudity clause into her contract; between this season and last she has been featured in her undies a lot. But you know what, I don't particularly want to see it. Also, her botoxed face is really terrifying in this episode. Right now I have it paused and she looks like a dead fish; it is not pretty. Ugh. I have to say, if any of the other ladies partake in this whole botox thing, they're doing a much better job of it than Teri Hatcher is.

Okay, time to dive into this mess of a plot. Susan is very awkward in front of the camera, trying to cover her breasts and pull her nightie down over her ass. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door; it's Maxine, so Susan turns off the camera and rushes to the door. Thankfully, she also puts on a robe so I don't have to see any more of her lingerie. Maxine is there to criticize Susan's performance. It was too dull, so Maxine decides to give her a few pointers. She takes Susan's vacuum and starts thrusting it and her breasts toward the camera. Then she hurries over to the duster and shakes her ass as she dusts. "And what have we here?" she asks as she runs to the table and starts rubbing away the smudges with her boobs. Maxine tells her to loosen up and play into the fantasy. "I want to," says Susan. "I just can't stop thinking about all those men out there watching me." Oh Susan, you've slept with half of them anyway; what's the big deal?

Maxine tells Susan she should be flattered because those men are spending their money to see "the perfect woman." This whole plot seems very Lifetime movie to me. Down-on-her-luck housewife turns to pornography to save her family. There will be a lot of tears and yelling; the whole neighborhood will turn out to judge her. You can see it, can't you? Anyway, Maxine derobes Susan and tells her that she has all of the power. Then they practice the vacuum move together.

Over at the Scavos', Penny is doing homework while Renee is on the phone yelling at her husband about divorce settlements and breast implants. As Renee hangs up, Lynette tries to subtly point out that her preteen daughter is in the room, but Renee shrugs it off by saying that Penny will be dating soon enough. She asks Penny what she's learned from her about marriage and Penny dutifully stands up and says, "Never sign a prenup." Penny Scavo, ladies and gentlemen, who is out of the room after one line.

The front door opens and Tom shuffles into the house, apparently home from work early. "I'm not feeling well," he says pitiably as Lynette reaches up to feel his forehead (first with her hand and then, adorably, with her cheek). "Again?" she asks. "That's the third time this week." Then she adds that he needs to go to the doctor. Tom says that he's fine--he's just going to lie down and watch TV--so Lynette asks him to please run to the grocery store for her. "I'm tired," whines Tom. "Can't you do it?" Hehehe. Cue Lynette's "are you serious?" face. "I'm a little busy right now. I have five kids and a useless house guest," she says as Tom groans. Hey buddy, you're the one who knocked her up four times and gave her the ultimate excuse; deal with it. "I need you functional," points out Lynette. She says that either Tom has to go to the doctor or he has to man up and help her. "Fine, I'll go tomorrow," Tom complains. "Man, the sympathy in here is just overwhelming." He leaves the room and Lynette sighs and turns to Renee with this "can you believe him?" expression. Unfortunately, Renee looks more like she can't believe Lynette.

"It's none of my business," says Renee, and Lynette turns around and mouths an exaggerated, "But..." which Renee, of course, says out loud. Hehe. Totally believable, even of two people who probably don't see each other very often. I can still predict my college roommate like that and we only see each other a handful of times a year. I love it. Anyway, Renee says that Lynette and Tom are starting to sound a lot like her and Doug. "I appreciate the concern," says Lynette, "but Tom and I always do that." Well that's true. Renee points out that she and Doug were always like that too and look at them now. "I'm telling you, we're fine," Lynette insists, and then she mouths, "If you say so," which Renee musically chimes right after. Hilariously, Lynette nods and gives a thumbs up like Renee did an excellent job. Awesome.

Across the street, Bree chats with Lee and Karen about Juanita's prognosis as Bob rushes over to join the group. Immediately, Lee begins snarking at Bob, complaining that he let their tomato plants wither just like their relationship. Hahaha. "Well that's what happens when you grow needy, whiny tomatoes," says Bob. Karen tells the boys that it's been a month; can't they just kiss "each other's moms" (??) and make up? Incredulous looks abound as Karen turns to Bree and asks, "Isn't that what they do?" Bree doesn't mention that this hasn't happened to her yet, but only because she's distracted by a strange blond woman stumbling down the middle of the street with a suitcase. "She looks lost," says Bob, prompting Lee to ask if they should help her. Suddenly the woman trips, dropping her suitcase and spilling the water from her fishbowl. "Son of a bitch!" she shrieks, and Lee nods that they should go help.

The group runs over to the girl (Francine from Gilmore Girls; how odd that one of Rory's classmates is now playing a real grown up), who struggles to pick up her fish and get him back in the bowl. She tells them that she's lost; she only had twenty bucks and so her cab couldn't get her to her destination. Karen asks if she was looking for Wisteria Lane, and blondie nods. "Is my fish moving?" she asks desperately while Bob asks who she's there to see. No one should be surprised that it's Paul, who very conveniently chooses that moment to jog over shouting, "Beth!" He stops and smiles at the neighbors. "Well," he says, "I see you've all met my wife." Shock!

Commercials.

Back at Bree's, Keith is shirtless when Bree walks in with her single bag of groceries. He apologizes for being half-naked and picks up a shirt, asking how Juanita is. Then he asks how Bree is. "I'm okay. How is the work coming?" she asks, trying to keep her eyes on her groceries. Then, d'oh; Keith put the shirt on backwards. He has to take it off and put it on again. How silly. Bree drops the milk at the sight of his abs and he, again, asks if she's okay. She says she's fine, but it's been a stressful day. "I think I know what you need," says Keith, finally getting his shirt on. He pulls Bree into a hug that she doesn't return, whispering platitudes, and Bree freaks out. "I have to let you go!" she shouts. "After you let me go...Everyone should just let go!" Well that last part doesn't even make sense, but Keith releases her and lets her retreat to a corner. "Are you firing me? Why?" he asks. Bree says that he's messy, gets paint everywhere, and wears too much cologne. Keith says he doesn't wear cologne; Bree: "That's just you?!" Haha. As dumb as this is, that was pretty funny. Anyway, Bree says she'll write him a check, but Keith says to just mail it and storms out.

Susan is in a different bathrobe, ushering Mike and MJ out of the door with kisses. She mentions that her first class isn't until eleven, so she has some time to work on her jewelry. So she just gets to drift into school whenever she wants? How is it that Susan's teaching plot becomes more unbelievable every season? Mike, idiot that he is, is impressed by Susan's determination to bring in more money. "You have no idea," she mutters predictably and she slams the door behind her guys.

Cut to a montage of Susan doing housework in the skankiest manner possible (thrusting and blowing and shaking and spanking). As she's wiping a table off with her ass, Mike suddenly waltzes back in; he forgot something and had to come back to get it. Susan lies that she was doing housework and got overheated, trying to turn off the computer, but Mike is distracted and wants to have sex. Right there. OMG! The zany antics. I can't stand it! Susan does some acrobatics, but finally turns off the computer with her foot.

Over in the house of five kids, Lynette comes into the kitchen and asks Renee if she's found a place to live yet (she's surfing the net for apartments). Can I take a second to add that it's kind of awesome that they've left both some baby weight and the bigger boobs on Felicity Huffman so she looks like she actually just had a baby? Usually these actresses go from pregnant to stick thin again in less than a minute, so I'm liking this nod to verisimilitude. Anyway, Renee has not found a place; all the ones within her budget are too small for her. She thinks that she should just move to Fairview. Immediately, Lynette's voice goes up and she does her lying laugh as she tells Renee that she's a New Yorker, not a suburbanite. "You love the theater, museums...you said yourself you can't even get a decent up of coffee around here." Renee: "No, I meant here, Lynette. Really, how hard is it to clean the pot?"

Before Lynette can convince Renee to go far, far away, Tom arrives home from the doctor and asks if he can speak to Lynette privately. He drags her into the dining room and tells her to sit down. "Tom, you are scaring me. What is it?" she asks. But, instead of revealing that he has some life-threatening illness, Tom blows out a sigh and says he has postpartum depression. Lynette: "Come again?" Haha.

"I know it sounds weird, but it's a recognized problem for fathers my age. I've got all the classic symptoms: headaches, mood swings, fatigue..." says Tom seriously. "Wow," breathes Lynette. "Tell me, did he check you for a yeast infection while he was down there too?" Hehehe. I will admit, she could be taking this a little more to heart, but I almost don't blame her for reacting this way after Tom made such a big stink leading up to it. He acted like he was going to reveal that he had cancer or something, and given this family's history with serious illnesses, I can see why she's underwhelmed by this.

Tom hands Lynette a pamphlet titled "The Bitter Seed" (HA!) and asks her to read it over before she judges him. "Yeah, I'm not buying it," says Lynette. "Show me one stretch mark, one chapped nipple and we'll talk about your postpartum." Tom argues that it's a legitimate medical condition and that Lynette was the one who insisted he go to the doctor, but she says she only wanted him to so he'd be of some use. "Not so you could take long baths or get in some extra naps." Hahaha. Tom begs her to read the whole pamphlet, but the baby starts crying. Lynette says she has to go take care of her other baby and runs up the stairs. Meanwhile in the other room, Renee eavesdrops. And judges. Can't forget that.

Commercials.

Paul and Beth are enjoying a tasty dinner shrouded in awkward silence. They both go to speak at the same time, but Beth wins, blurting out that she likes the house. Paul agrees that it's nice, but that it needs a woman's touch. "Oh, I don't have much experience with decorating," stutters Beth. "If I so much as moved a chair Mama would throw a fit." Oh good. She has a nutty mom. There's something different. Paul says she must be glad to be away from the crazy, and Beth agrees.

The conversation turns to how Paul never thought the day would come when he could reach out and actually touch Beth. "I didn't either," she says, awkwardly patting his hand. Paul adds that the only thing he'll miss about prison is her letters, and then segues into mentioning that he wanted the night to be special since the prison didn't allow "conjugal visits." Oh! Paul's getting it on. Man, Mary Alice has been dead for about thirteen years now; that is a long time to go without sex.

"About that," says Beth. "I can't wait to start cooking for you and making things nice around here, but there are certain other wifely duties that I don't want to rush into." She adds that they're still getting to know each other and asks if Paul is upset. He lies that he's fine. "There's more to marriage than sex." Yeah, there's also lying and keeping secrets. Speaking of which...

Gaby tears through the nurse's station when a nurse asks to talk to her. Turns out there are some questions about Juanita, like is she allergic to any medications and "how old was she when you adopted her?" Oops. Gaby laughs and says, "I know it's hard to believe that the little acorn gave birth to the mighty oak, but I did." HA! Another great line. Seriously, Juanita is going to be taller than Gaby in another season. The nurse is a little thrown, and mentions that Gaby told her the other day that she and Carlos were type O blood and Juanita is type A. "Well two Os can't have an A," she says, and then something seems to dawn on her. "Oh, nevermind!" she chirps. Oops again.

Gaby wants to know what she meant by that, and the nurse condescendingly implies that Gaby must have had an affair. "Listen, nursie!" snaps Gaby. "I know you spend your day emptying bedpans and shaving the groins of senior citizens, but there's no drama here. I've been faithful to my husband! I have nothing to hide!" Gaby starts to walk away, then marches back and rips off the part of Juanita's records that offends her.

Renee is sitting at the kitchen table again (seriously, she's been there for just about every scene) when Lynette comes downstairs with the laundry. Renee yawns pretty pointedly and Lynette asks her if she had trouble sleeping. "I was up kind of late," she says. "Oy, that Tom sure can talk." Ugh. No one will be surprised to hear that this raises Lynette's ire, especially when Renee goes on to mention that Tom needed to talk to someone after the way things went yesterday. Then she says that the whole thing is none of her business. Double ugh. This is so passive aggressive it's slightly sickening.

Lynette insists that Renee tell her what happened. "Well, Tom feels that you don't listen to him," says Renee, as if we, and Lynette, haven't heard this a million times already. Lynette says she did listen--she heard Tom say that he has postpartum ("Also known by its initials: BS.")--but Renee points out that hearing is different than listening. "Okay," says Lynette. "Okay, you stop. I don't need you troubleshooting my marriage and I don't want you having any more of these little conversations with my husband." Direct and to the point; none of this passive aggressive shit. This is why I love Lynette. Renee agrees and then Lynette heads back toward the stairs, giving Renee time to mouth, "And I mean it," right before Lynette says it. Less cute knowing that Renee won't listen.

Gaby paces Juanita's hospital room when Susan comes in with a big card. "There you are!" she shouts. "I called you an hour ago!" Susan says she was at school and cheerfully hands Juanita the card, but Gaby has other things on her mind. Grabbing Susan by the arm, she yanks her out of the room and down the hall.

Once they're alone, Gaby asks Susan if she remembers the ski weekend they took eight years ago. You mean during season four, Gaby? Because for this timeline to make any sense, you must have found out you were pregnant with Juanita about two seconds after season four ended. And I can't quite see Susan skiing when she was heavily pregnant with MJ. But, okay, let's go with it. Susan says that she remembers; she also remembers the French guy they met who was flirting with Gaby. Gaby wants details: when did she get back to the hotel room that night? Susan says that it was light out. "Oh God," cries Gaby. "I think that Juanita might be French." HA! This makes no sense, but HA!

Commercials.

To my utter shock, Mary Alice rejoins us as a weary Carlos climbs out of his car that night. I can't remember the last time they used her voiceover mid-episode. I'm impressed. "When Carlos returned from his business trip," she says, "he stopped at the hospital to visit his daughter, who had been sleeping peacefully. Then he came home to see his wife, who had been plotting frantically." Carlos climbs into bed next to Gaby; she's pretending to be asleep. Slowly, she begins to roll around, eventually heaving herself on top of Carlos and making out with him. Then, suddenly, she shoves him away and gasps. "What? Carlos what were you doing?" she asks. Carlos says that she was the one making out with him, and Gaby groans, "Oh no! It's happening again." Carlos doesn't know what's going on, so Gaby explains that she has "sexomnia." Apparently it's like sleepwalking, only with sex. Hehehe.

Carlos can't believe this is going on. "Since when have you had that?" he asks. Gaby says she's had it since before the girls were born, but Carlos hasn't ever seen her do it before. "Well it mostly only happens when I'm really tired," she says. "Like when I work out too much or go skiing..." Hint hint. Carlos: "Well first thing tomorrow I'm checking out air fare to Aspen." HA! Leaning up, Carlos tries to go for it again, but Gaby says that this isn't a joke; she could have sex with anyone and not even know it. Carlos takes this news in stride; he still wants to have sex. "No, no, I'm too tired," says Gaby, rolling off of him. Then, sheepishly, she adds, "And ashamed." Hehehe.

The next morning, Bree is gardening when Mrs. McCluskey comes up to return a rake. Karen asks where Keith went and Bree tells her that she let him go. Cue several jokes about how hot Keith was, blah, blah, blah. "You mean at your age, you still have urges?" asks Bree. Oh Lord, this girl. "I'm not dead, Bree," snaps Karen. "I may like my bed and my food soft, but I like my men..." Bree cuts her off before she gets to the good stuff, and says that she was hoping that one day she'd outgrow her sexual urges. What a depressing thought. Most people probably hope they won't outgrow it.

Karen garners that that's why Bree fired Keith and Bree agrees that he's a distraction. "And I refuse to make a fool of myself," she says. Instead of saying it's because Keith is so much younger than her (which is where I thought this was headed), Bree says that her track record with men isn't the best; "Two dead, one in a wheelchair." Actually, three are dead if you count George. Or maybe you weren't counting Karl, since we pretend that never happened. Either way, it's three dead. "Bree, I can't tell you how to live your life. All I know is that not living your life isn't the answer," says Karen. She also adds that Bree needs to take some risks so she doesn't have a lifetime of regrets. Words of wisdom. Karen should publish a book.

Lynette arrives home that night laden with bags and the baby while Porter sits on the couch like a useless lump. "Don't feel like you have to help or anything," she says. Porter: "Cool." Oh my. The twins are twenty now. Force them to be responsible or kick them out; it's your right, sweetie. Lynette asks where Tom is, and Porter says he and Renee went out to dinner at the French place Tom likes. He also adds that they said Lynette could join them. Of course, Lynette is practically out the door already. She orders Porter to unload the groceries and watch his sister (what is her name?!); he says he has plans, but Lynette just leaves. HA! Suck on that, freeloader.

At the restaurant, Tom and Renee are deep in conversation when Lynette sidles into the booth next to her husband. Without more than a few pleasantries, she demands to know what they were talking about. "To be honest," says Tom, "I was talking about you and your tendency to be critical. And how frustrating it is to have my feelings invalidated whenever I bring up something you don't like." Lynette nods, but, once again, she's not really listening. She wants a sidebar with Renee, so the two of them leave the table and go across the room.

"Did I or did I not tell you to butt the hell out of my marriage?" asks Lynette the second they're out of earshot. Renee acts like she's totally innocent (just listening to Tom talk), but Lynette says that she was feeding Tom lines (like the one about invalidated feelings). "I was just trying to help," lies Renee, and Lynette calls her on it. "You need a project and since you're currently without a house to remodel, you've decided to put the wrecking ball to my marriage," says Lynette. She's practically in tears. "This is what you do," she goes on. "You take other people's lives apart for your own amusement and then you get the fun of putting them back together. Well I'm not letting you do it this time. My marriage is not some guest bedroom in your summer house." Wow. Good speech.

"Fine," says Renee. She's clearly both affronted by Lynette's accusations and a little overcome by how upset Lynette is. "Let's just say you're right and I'm a terrible person. But there's still a man in there who is in pain, and his wife won't listen to him! That's not my doing!" Without giving Lynette time to respond, Renee turns and heads back to the table. Harsh, yes, but also something that Lynette needed to hear. Not that I doubt that Renee is making this entire situation worse.

Commercials.

Susan plays with her webcam when Mike comes home with a bunch of yellow roses for her. He brought them home because he found out that Susan earned enough cash to make their car payment. "You're amazing," he says. "You teach, you bust your ass with this jewelry business, and then I come home yesterday and here you are, happy as can be, working to make this place a home. I'm so lucky to have a wife like you." They hug, and Susan looks at her webcam guiltily.

The next day, she sits at her kitchen table while her boss counts out her latest payment. "You know you're getting good at this," says Maxine. "I'm also getting good at lying to my husband," adds Susan. The yellow roses sit and judge her.

Elsewhere in Fairview, Bree enters a bar and finds Keith playing pool. Unsurprisingly, he's not thrilled to see her. She makes some excuses for her behavior the other day, not really apologizing, and asks him to come back. Then she gives him a slightly fearful smile. Hmm, I take it back. Maybe Marcia Cross has been frequenting the same botox lab as Teri Hatcher. Regardless, Keith launches into this long analogy about cars that ends with him comparing Bree to the high maintenance Mazarati. It is kind of awesome because he calls Bree a pain in the ass.

Bree says that she's actually a Sedan that's going through a divorce, but Keith doesn't really care. So Bree ups the stakes, telling Keith that she needs him because both she and her house are a mess. She adds that she thought Keith was going to help her put it all back together, but then revises that to say she just means the house. Because we all know that Bree can't hold it together without a man. Seriously, I'd really like to see Bree get her life into check without the aid of a man. The last time it happened (when Orson was in jail), it was all off screen; this time I'd like to see it. Unfortunately, Keith doesn't tell her to go to hell; in fact, he doesn't say anything, and Bree leaves.

Outside, she jumps in her car and backs up without looking. Off screen, we hear Keith yell, "Hey!" and then Bree runs over him. She jumps out of her car, aghast, and Keith makes a joke about how she should give up driving. Then he agrees to come back and work on her house.

Over at the house of cyclical marriage problems, Tom lies in bed reading Muscle Mover magazine when Lynette comes in wearing a robe. He glances at her, but doesn't say anything, so she starts by asking him how he's doing. "What's this? Genuine concern?" he asks. "No asking if my breasts feel swollen or if it's a heavy flow day?" Lynette launches into an apology and tells him that she read the pamphlet and it actually made sense. "Becoming a new dad at your age can be pretty scary. I mean, just looking at that little girl and knowing that you might not be around for her wedding..." Tom interrupts her to ask if this is supposed to be helping, and Lynette says that she's acknowledging that it's real.

Gently, Lynette sits down on the bed and takes Tom's hand. "And now, in order to demonstrate that I'm a loving and caring wife," she says, "I have two options. One, we can have a long, sensitive conversation about your feelings, or option two..." She reaches for her robe and pulls it open as the camera cuts to her back. Tom's eyes go right to her naked breasts and he gets a sweet little smile on his face, sitting up and kissing her as she giggles. "As much as I like option two," he says, "I think tonight I want to talk." Lynette nods. Very cute scene.

And here comes a not so cute one. Paul enters his living room and hands Beth a present. It's lingerie. He orders her to try it on, but she says that it's not her style; he told her they could wait; excuses, excuses. Paul says it's been almost a week and then she gets downright snippy with him, throwing the lingerie back in the bag. Scarily, Paul grabs the letters Beth sent him in prison and throws them down. Then he makes her read one of them aloud; it's filled with all this talk about sex. "It was a fantasy," she says desperately. "I never thought it would be real." Paul says that it is real, but Beth blurts out that she thought he would never get out of prison. Ouch.

Immediately, she starts to say that she didn't mean it and that she's sorry; Paul just sits down and creepily says that he knows that Beth has issues. She wouldn't have married a man in prison for murder otherwise. "The good news is," he says, "I'm willing to help you. All I ask in return is for a little affection. Do you think you can offer me that?" Beth, looking terrified, says that she'll try. Paul gets up and kisses the top of her head, saying that he's patient, but he won't be forever. So creepy.

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The next morning, Renee is actually sitting somewhere else! She's out on the front porch when Lynette joins her; they're both still in their PJs. Amicably, Lynette offers her some coffee that Renee jokes she's scared is poisoned. "Look, what you did was borderline evil," says Lynette. "But you were right to make me talk to Tom. So I thank you for being a good friend and don't ever do it again."

Now that Lynette's in a good mood, Renee takes a moment to tell her that she just rented Edie's old house. Lynette stops just short of saying that's appropriate. Suddenly the baby starts crying and Tom pops out. "I'm trying to calm the baby, but apparently I don't have the right equipment," he quips. HA! Lynette mentions Renee's impending move before she goes back inside, and, suddenly nervous, Tom asks if it's really a good idea for Renee to move there. Renee says of course, but Tom's not done. He reaches out to shut the door and adds, "It's just...I wanna be sure..." Renee cuts him off and says, "Tom, that was a million years ago." Tom: "It doesn't matter. She can never know what happened between us." Ugh. Although, strangely, I'm not quite as freaked out by this as I could have been. Yes, it sounds like Tom and Renee had an affair at some point, but this show has repeatedly teased the audience with the idea that Tom or Lynette will or did cheat on each other. So if I'm basing this on past experience, it will turn out to be something else, like maybe he borrowed money or kissed her or freaked out the night before the wedding. My sister even went as far as to say that if it was a sexual relationship, it happened before Tom and Lynette were together. Basically, I refuse to flip out before I have to, especially since it can't possibly be worse than the whole illegitimate child plot. Though, speaking of that, hasn't Tom learned by now that it's much worse to keep this kind of crap a secret?

At the hospital, Carlos walks up to the same nurse who antagonized Gaby earlier and asks if she's seen his wife. The nurse says that Gaby is in the cafeteria, but asks him to sign some release forms before he leaves. Carlos notices the ripped form and inquires about it, and of course nursie can't keep her big mouth shut. She actually tells Carlos that Gaby flipped out when she heard her daughter's blood type. At that moment, Gaby walks in, just as Carlos says, "Gaby did this? I need you to tell me exactly what happened!" Before the nurse can blurt it out, Gaby says, "Oh crap," and draws Carlos' attention. Hilariously, she actually runs away from him, screaming that it's not her fault because she has a disorder. She's slowed by two guys wheeling out a body (she actually gives a little shriek that is so funny), and Carlos manages to catch her. Anxiously, Gaby babbles out an explanation that makes little sense, and Carlos realizes the gig is up.

I love the way this next little scene is done. Carlos takes Gaby into the next room while the camera remains outside, filming them through the window. Without hearing anything, we see Carlos tell Gaby the truth. Gaby breaks down, repeatedly hitting Carlos arm and sobbing before she collapses in his arms. Heartbreaking. Then Mary Alice comes back in: "There are certain types of pain that can't be treated in a hospital, so those who are suffering do what they can to heal themselves."

Bree stands and watches Keith talk about wood as Mary Alice goes on to say, "Some cure the ache of loneliness by making new friends." Then we cut to Susan and Mike, making jewelry and counting money respectively. "Some soothe their excruciating guilt with an infusion of cash." Over at casa de creepy, Paul hands Beth a rose. "Some alleviate their burning desire with small acts of kindness." Finally, we end with Gaby, who sits crying next to a sleeping Juanita. "But sadly, there will always be those who can't begin to heal because they realize there is more pain yet to come."

Well that was a very solid episode, though really it ended just as sadly as the first episode did. There's really an undertone of heartbreak to this season. I'd give this one an A-. Susan's plot is completely ridiculous, and I feel like the writers are being a little repetitive with Bree and Lynette (although I did enjoy parts of those plots), but they are hitting Gaby and Carlos out of the park so far this season. And I'm still enjoying the mystery far more than I thought I ever would. So kudos to the writers for that. Until next week...