DH recap: The Thing That Counts is What's Inside

Season Seven, Episode Four: "The Thing That Counts is What's Inside"

Mary Alice wastes no time jumping into things this week. We barely get an establishing shot of Carlos and Gaby walking in the park when she tells us that "Carlos Solis loved his wife more than anything." Cue flashbacks: first Gaby is bragging about how amazing her skin is ("Even though she was vain"), next she's complaining about having to give money to the church ("selfish"), and finally Gaby throws a tantrum, complete with foot stomp, about Carlos buying her the wrong dress ("and spoiled"). Back to the Solises walking through the park. "But in those moments when his wife was simply vulnerable, Carlos loved her just a little bit more." Well, yeah, I don't know why he wouldn't love her more in those moments; I'm sure every husband on the street feels the same way about his wife.

It turns out that the reason Gaby is so sensitive is because they're about to meet the family of their biodaughter for the first time. Gaby is worried about what to say to the other family, but Carlos tells her that it will be fine. Well, that's a far cry from the Carlos of last week. Suddenly they're interrupted by a man who comes up and introduces himself as Hector Sanchez. After pleasantries are exchanged, Hector asks where Juanita is (she's over at the swings with Celia), and then mentions that his own daughter, Grace, is with her mother. "That's her name? Grace?" asks Gaby, melting my heart. The group begins to walk across the park.

Gaby asks how Hector and his wife have been handling the situation. "We're still in shock. Since your lawyer called us, we haven't been able to sleep or eat. This whole thing is so crazy," says Hector. You're telling me, bud. Carlos also agrees. Then Hector goes on to say, "They couldn't have switched our babies. It's got to be a mistake. Maybe we should take a blood test." Carlos' eyes drift across the way to a picnic table where a little girl shouts at her mom about packing the wrong colored jacket, getting so mad that she stamps her foot. Carlos instantly says that they won't need the blood test. Backing this up, Mary Alice comes back in: "Yes, Carlos Solis loved his wife. And he knew her DNA when he saw it."

Wee little credits.

"It's called a purse," says Mary Alice as the camera backs away from a close-up on a purse. "And as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything. From a personalized cell phone to a romance novel to much needed medication. Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of: every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not." Each of these examples is, you might have guessed, backed up by a visual aid, but as they're all strangers, none of them really matter until we get to the last one: Gaby. She pulls out lipstick and starts applying it as Mrs. Sanchez glares at her. "Carlos and I feel like we shouldn't tell the girls," says Gaby, and Hector agrees that they need to protect their daughters. However, the Solises also think that since both families want to get to know their biodaughters, maybe they should get together once a month. "That sounds reasonable," says Hector, asking for his wife's opinion (her name, by the way, is apparently Carmen). She agrees with a less than convincing, "I guess."

Ignoring the obvious angry vibe Carmen is giving off, Carlos directs the group's attention to the girls; all three of them are playing ball. Hector generously says that he's sure they'll all become very good friends (which I think it more wishful thinking than anything else at this point), and they all reminisce about how much their biodaughters look like various family members. At this point, Grace runs up to the table. Now, it seems obvious to mention here that Grace is a tiny little thing while her parents are a little rounder. To me, it seems like they're trying to play up some kind of "obvious" physical difference between the families, but it really just makes Celia seem all the more out of place. Juanita and Celia look more alike than Grace and Celia do (and not just because of the weight difference). Plus what are the writers trying to say: that weight is genetic? Because again, then, explain Celia. I mean, I'm not saying that chubby parents can't have skinny kids and vice versa, but they seem to be making a distinct point here that doesn't sit right because of Celia. This whole episode plays up a kind of nature versus nurture argument here, but it all becomes moot in light of the Solises' younger daughter. Basically, Celia throws a big curve ball into the believability of this plot. Not to mention that I think a lot of Gaby's defining qualities are learned, not inherited (the selfishness, greediness, and sense of entitlement, for instance).

Anyway, Grace wants to know if she can have some money for the ice cream truck. Carmen says no, so Gaby sticks her foot in it by offering to treat Grace to the ice cream. While Hector and Carmen exchange "can you believe this woman?" looks, Grace mentions that she likes Gaby's purse, so Gaby lets her hold it. "I bet it costs a lot, right?" asks Grace, and she's chastised by her mother for bringing up money. The little cutie apologizes, but Gaby glosses over that and starts waxing poetic about the purse. "You can have one by working very hard," she tells Grace. "Or by marrying a man who works very hard." HA! Even Carlos gets a look over that comment.

After Grace runs off with the money, Carlos compliments the Sanchezes on raising such a polite little girl. "I can see that Grace couldn't have had a better mother," he says, earning a scowl from Gaby. Hector returns the compliment, and as Gaby starts to babble on about how great of a mom she is, Juanita storms up and starts screaming for Gaby's attention. Now, again, a learned behavior. I don't know, this whole thing just seems rather wishy washy to me. Although maybe it would be in real life too, who knows.

Juanita wants money for ice cream. "What is the magic word?" snaps Gaby. Juanita: "I don't know? Hurry?" HA! God, I love Juanita. Under her breath, Gaby mutters that the magic word is please while she digs for her money. "Fine. Please," says Juanita, complete with an eye roll. Gaby slaps the money into her hand, and Juanita complains about needing more than one scoop. When all she earns is a glare in response, she stalks off with a loud sigh. "I'm sorry, what was I saying?" asks Gaby, turning her attention back to the Sanchezes. "You were talking about what a good mother you are," says Carmen smugly. Gaby's smile becomes a little more forced.

As you might recall, this week's theme is purses, so we transition to a shot of Susan's sitting on the kitchen counter. She reaches inside for a book of matches (which seems like a really odd thing for her to keep in her purse), and then she and Mike light the papers for his car loan on fire. Yes, dumb and dumber have somehow already paid off that debt. "If we keep this up we could reach flat broke in time for Christmas," jokes Susan lamely. I shouldn't complain; at least she has clothes on in this scene. They're interrupted by a knock at the door; it's Maxine.

Susan calls that the door is open, and Maxine comes in and starts to flirt with Mike ("If I was fifteen years younger, I'd ride you like a hobo rides a boxcar."). Mike laughingly thanks her, but says she still has to fix the air conditioner. Then he goes to take a shower. They really haven't given James Denton much to do yet this season, have they?

"I need to talk some business with you," says Maxine as soon as Mike is out of the room. Susan starts to talk about her plans for her next show, but Maxine throws her for a loop by telling her that she should quit. THANK GOD! "The website's going through some changes," says Maxine, explaining that she brought in some partners who are investing a lot of cash and want a huge US presence. Susan freaks out, saying that Maxine promised no one would ever see her (apparently Susan doesn't know how the internet works), and that she still needs the money. "Honey, I'm sorry," says Maxine. She tells Susan she has a couple of weeks to a month before all of this happens, and Susan agrees to work up until the end. "I'm gonna miss you, honey," says Maxine as she heads out the door. "No one will ever wear the rubber gloves and fishnets like you do."

Lynette's purse is flung on the kitchen table over the wailing cries of baby Paige (and oh my gosh, is that little stinker cute!! I love babies!). "Okay, we get it. You're unhappy. We got it in every aisle at the market, we got it four times during the night, and we get it now," Lynette whines, but just as Penny prompts Lynette to put the groceries away, Paige shuts up. Lynette shushes the older child, and her voice drops to a whisper as she tells Penny just to let the ice cream melt. With perfect timing, the phone begins to ring and Lynette runs across the room to grab it. It's the grocery store, calling to tell her that she left her license there. After she hangs up, Lynette complains to Penny that she's going to have to drag Paige back to the store and the crying will start all over again. "If I didn't look so good in that photo, I'd get a new one," she jokes. Hahaha. Penny says that Lynette should leave the baby with her, but Lynette isn't so sure. "Mom, you leave her with the boys. And they don't change her diaper until it weighs as much as she does." Hehehe.

Cut to a little while later. Lynette runs into the house, and it's clear she's been on edge from the moment she left. Everything is fine, though. Penny and the baby are on the floor, and Paige is still asleep. The baby is SO cute. I can't get over it. Penny reports that the baby woke up for a little while, but after Penny changed her diaper, she fell back to sleep. "Aw, you changed her diaper. Where'd you learn how to do that?" asks Lynette, crouching down to check on the baby. Penny reminds Lynette that she's seen her do it a hundred times. Lynette looks at Penny, clearly proud and impressed, and says, "You're so good with her." Then inspiration strikes. She asks Penny if she minds watching Paige for a little longer while she takes a shower; Penny generously ups the offer by telling Lynette to take a bath. New Penny is a suck up. "Whoever raised you did a brilliant job," says Lynette, blowing her daughter a kiss and running for the stairs. Hehe.

Whackadoodle Beth pulls an empty bottle of aspirin out of her purse, complaining about how there's none left. "Do you have a headache?" asks Paul. Nope; she has a back ache. Paul quickly points out that her back wouldn't hurt so much if she wasn't sleeping on the couch, but Beth nips this theory in the bud but quick.

Suddenly, Lee bursts in and announces that Paul is the proud new owner of his old house. HA! I love Lee. Beth stands up with a scandalized, "You bought your old house?!" and Paul calmly tells Lee they'll talk later. "Okay," says Lee, confused. "Well, here are your keys, your complimentary endangered species calendar, and a kitchen magnet with my face on it. Yes, I know I look cross-eyed, but they assured me they will correct that on the next batch. Enjoy!" And Lee awkwardly backs out of the house. Where can I buy a Lee magnet? Because I will totally splurge on one.

"Why would you buy that house? Our lease won't be up for a year," demands Beth. Paul says that it seems like a good investment, but Beth wants to know specifically why that house. Mr. Young doesn't want to discuss it, especially with a woman who thinks of herself as his wife during the day, but a house guest at night. Ooh snap! That's one point for Paul.

Bree's purse is beige. Is anyone surprised by that? It's still cute, though. She has it on her wrist as she locks up the house and steps toward Keith, who is painting her shutters. Bree wants to know what his plans for their date on Friday are. Keith says he can't tell her yet, but he's working on something he's pretty stoked about. "Well that sounds lovely," says Bree. "I too am stoked." HAHA! Dragging Bree out of her comfort zone is a fun time for everyone. She rubs some paint off of his cheek, and the camera pulls back to across the street, where Renee watches them from Lynette's porch.

"What are you doing?" asks Lynette, coming outside and towel drying her hair. Nice nod to continuity there, show. She accuses Renee of spying on Bree again (does Renee just stand on her porch all day to do this? Weird), and Renee doesn't deny it, simply saying that she doesn't understand why Keith would go for someone as old as Bree. Lynette says they're the same age (which I find a little odd, because for some reason I was under the impression that Bree was the oldest of the group by a couple of years, although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure why I thought that. Maybe because her kids are so much older? Does it matter? No.). Anyway, Renee tries and fails to argue that she's thirty, and Lynette adds that Bree has always looked young. "When she used to go out with her grandkid, people would think he was her son." Well that's a generous explanation. I'm sure the fact that Bree faked the pregnancy and told everyone that he was her son also helped. Even without this extra information, Renee is intrigued.

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Penny is doing her homework when Lynette announces that she's running over to Gaby's for a minute to say hi to the girls. She's not going to stay for poker since the baby threw up on Gaby's couch last week and is no longer welcome. Hehe. "Why don't you just leave her with me?" asks Penny. Lynette isn't so sure, as this would be for a couple of hours, but Penny points out that she'll be "right next door." Well, down the street, but way to drive home your point, kiddo. "Oh don't toy with me," says Lynette, obviously considering the offer. "I'm operating on two hours of sleep. I'm vulnerable." Penny rolls her eyes and tells her to go, even offering that she loves spending time with her little sis. "Oh, Penny Lyn Scavo," says Lynette, handing over the baby and dropping her bag (Lynette, you forgot your theme!), "you are officially my favorite." As she heads out the door, she tells Penny that they're going to leave everything to her in the will. "Keep in mind we're poor, so it's really more of a symbolic gesture."

Over at poker, Gaby has decided to tell the girls about the baby switch because they're her dearest and oldest friends (by the way, Susan is not there; Renee is, though Gaby is quick to mention that she's not a friend, she just doesn't want to be rude and kick her out). She holds out a picture of Grace and tells everyone that this is her daughter. Confused looks abound.

Cut to later; Gaby has explained everything and Bree and Lynette are stunned. Neither of them can imagine going through what Gaby is. Gaby says that it was awful at first, but since they've met Grace, things have been better. "Thank God the parents are lovely," she adds. Lynette asks who else knows, and Gaby says not many people, so she asks them to keep it on the DL. Good thing she didn't tell Susan. Ah, I'm kidding. Susan did manage to keep Lynette's pregnancy a secret for the better part of last year, after all. Bree and Lynette agree, and then all three girls turn to stare at Renee. "Oh, don't worry about me," she says. "Up until today, I thought you were Juanita." Ha.

Bree asks Gaby to tell them what it was like to see Grace. Gaby starts off sweetly enough, saying that she immediately felt a pull toward Grace (Bree: "Well of course, you carried her for nine months"), and then this amazing thing happened: Grace touched her purse and knew it was expensive. "Now that is a Hallmark moment," snarks Lynette. "You don't understand," says Gaby. "When I was a kid, I used to sneak Vogues out of my aunt's hair salon and make my own high fashion paper dolls. I know what it's like to be that kid with her face pressed against the department store window. Grace is me at her age. So I decided to do something for her." This whole time, Bree and Lynette have been staring at Gaby with these sweet, compassionate looks on their faces. But when Gaby whips out a little Chanel bag, those looks change to astonishment. Renee, on the other hand, cries, "You are the best mother ever!" Hahaha. Awesome.

Beth is in her closet, picking out a shirt when she turns and notices that the lights are on over at the old Young place. So she heads across the street to investigate. Inside, Paul stands in the living room, tears in his eyes, and doesn't turn around when Beth comes inside. "I just want to understand, that's all," says Beth. "Are we going to move here?" Paul says no. "Then why would you buy this house?" she asks desperately. "It must be filled with so many unpleasant memories."

"I don't see any unpleasant memories," says Paul, which sure is a change from the first two seasons, when he was desperate to sell the place and get the hell out of Dodge. Sorry, I'm interrupting the nostalgia: "I see the couch where my wife and I would sit and have our morning coffee. I see the Christmas tree in the corner by the fireplace. I see the chair where I would sit and read stories to my son. I was loved in this house. I had a real marriage here." He turns to face Beth with a pointed look. Sadly, she tries to explain how hard this is for her, and how Paul keeping secrets from her doesn't help. Slowly, Paul crosses the room and takes her hand. "You're right," he agrees. "There should be no secrets between us. Secrets are why this house is empty right now." Wow. Really sad scene. I've always felt really bad for Paul. I mean, I think it's been obvious from the start how much he loved Mary Alice. That's why he killed Martha, after all. I wonder if we'll ever get to see him reunite with Zach.

Next door, Bree opens her door to find Keith on the other side. He's super excited to announce that he has tickets to see the Black Eyed Peas. "Wow. That's just...Wow," says Bree. Hehehe. Keith is surprised by how underwhelmed she is, but Bree lies that she lives to rock. The doorbell rings. "You know, I'm not as old as you might think." She answers the door to find Danielle and Benjamin on the other side, the latter of whom immediately yells, "Grandma!" and wraps Bree in a big hug. Aw. "Surprise!" shouts Danielle, giving Bree an oddly warm hug. Bree asks what they're doing there, and Danielle explains that they're there for the weekend. Suddenly she notices Keith, and awkward introductions are made.

Benjamin, the only one not picking up on the tension, presents Bree with a present: slippers for her poor circulation. Hehehe. He also calls her "grandma" about ten times, prompting Bree to snap, "Please stop calling me that, you...precious child." Keith says that Bree should spend the night with her family since they came all that way. In an oddly polite move, Danielle says they should go if they had plans, but Keith says there's nothing more important than family. Yeah, especially seeing the grandson who was ripped from your home and you rarely see, right Bree? Blessedly, Keith leaves.

"I guess I heard wrong," says Danielle. "You seem to be bouncing back just fine." Bree, understandably, is confused because all normal people recover from their divorces in .5 seconds, so Danielle clarifies: "When your friend called, she said you were having a hard time since Orson left." Bree realizes the friend was Renee, which Danielle confirms, happily mentioning that Renee sent them first class tickets. "I wish I had a friend like that," she chirps. "Oh trust me," says Bree, "you don't." Let's all thank Joy Lauren for hauling her butt in for this ONE SCENE. I was so disappointed. I love Danielle and she is so underused.

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Oh darn. Here's Susan. But, once again, she actually has clothes on, so I really shouldn't complain. In fact, she's driving down the street when she notices a billboard going up for the website and grabs her cell phone to call Maxine. She's just bitching about the fact that this is going public faster than she thought, when suddenly she screams, "Oh my God!" and we cut back to the billboard just in time to see them hauling a picture of Susan's face up to complete the picture. She drives over, honking, and then jumps out of the car, screaming that they can't put up that picture. The worker couldn't care less. Desperate, Susan rushes over and actually jumps up, grabbing the paper. She's slowly lifted from the ground, but when the picture inevitably rips and she drops back to earth, it's unfortunately not a far enough drop to hurt her.

Back on the Lane, Karen is out on her porch drinking a beer when Paul walks up. "What do you want?" she barks. Paul wants to know if she'd be interested in selling her house. AH HA! I knew his evil plan had something to do with real estate acquisitions! Maybe he'll blow up the whole street like the folks on Little House on the Prairie did to Walnut Grove. Anyway, Karen's answer is no, but Paul continues to wax poetic about how she should sell the house to someone who will care for it. You know, before she has a stroke and has to sell it to people who will take advantage of a sick old lady. Isn't Karen married? What happened to Roy? Not that she needs a man to stick up for her because she orders Paul off the porch with no problem. "Alright, didn't mean to upset you," says Paul. "My offer still stands. As I said, it all comes from my great love for this beautiful neighborhood." Hehehe.

Apparently it's no boys allowed week at the Scavos', because Penny, Lynette and Paige are still alone together in that house. Paige is crying again, and this time Lynette doesn't hesitate to dump her off on Penny so she can take a jog. "Mom, I've got a test today. I cannot be late for the bus," says Penny, bouncing the baby. Lynette says that she understands and she'll be back in twenty.

Cut to Lynette running down the street only to be accosted by Bree who, my sister pointed out, looks hot in her jeans. Yes, that's right: Bree is wearing jeans. Record this moment. She needs to talk to Lynette, though she's surprised to see that Lynette is out again without the baby. "Penny is watching her," pants Lynette. "It is the most amazing thing. Only when you've spawned as much as I have do you learn the glorious truth: the older ones can watch the younger ones. Babies having babies: bad. Babies raising babies: genius!" Bree, deadpan: "I'm happy for you." HA! Brilliant delivery there. Lynette points out that she doesn't look happy, and Bree says that's why they need to talk. She takes Lynette by the elbow and drags her toward her house.

Inside, Bree has just finished telling Lynette about Renee's evil plot. Lynette isn't surprised; she says it's vintage Renee. Bree adds that they're going out to dinner too (apparently Keith called and asked for permission), so Lynette tells her that she needs to fight back. Of course, Bree already knows this; she called Lynette over for advice. "Oh, she once slept with a rodeo clown," says Lynette. "But he's a senator now. Oh, she's got this really weird bellybutton, but by the time he finds that out they're already getting it on. Uh, she used to freak out whenever The Wizard of Oz was on TV. I think it was the munchkins. There's something about little people that gives her the heebie jeebies." Hehehe. Suddenly, Lynette notices the time, and she flies out of the house, apologizing for not being able to help. Bree takes a devious bite of a cookie.

Back home, Lynette finds a note from Penny saying that she went to school, so she rushes upstairs, but finds the baby's crib empty. Oh, and let me add now that the crib is in her bedroom. Just an FYI. Panicked, she wonders where Paige is. Cut to the school bus, where Penny is holding the baby while on her way to school. All of the other kids are gaping at the baby. "Stop breathing on my sister!" she snaps. Awesome. Also, no school uniform? Did they switch her to public school this season? And where was Parker during all of this? He's still in high school. And Tom? Is he suddenly making up for all of those erratic work hours? For a house so full of people, no one ever seems to be around.

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Lynette bursts into the school and tells the secretary that she's looking for her daughter, Penny Scavo. The secretary directs her to the principal's office, and during the walk there, Lynette gets glares from all of the staff as well as a young boy waiting for the principal. Well this won't end well. Lynette doesn't handle judgment of her parenting skills with any kind of grace.

A few minutes later, Lynette holds Paige while the principal lectures her about leaving the baby in Penny's care. Oh how I wish that Penny was still in private school and that this was the same principal that Lynette tricked into taking on her twins so many years ago. This would be a great time for a callback to that, and I can only imagine the hilarity that would result from that poor man realizing he'd have to take on another Scavo in five years. Remember when Parker was attacking his teacher with an umbrella? Good times. But we're stuck with stuffy Principal Harris.

Lynette tries to ease the tension with a joke, but the principal isn't having it. "Come on. Give me a break," implores Lynette. "I am raising five kids. You have no idea how hard that is." Principal Harris turns around a picture of herself and her eight kids for Lynette's viewing pleasure. Then she goes on to say that Penny is helping Lynette out more than she realizes. "Do you know Penny takes the baby monitor to bed with her so she can get up for the feedings?" Lynette is astonished, as am I. Does this show really expect me to believe that Penny hears the baby crying through a monitor and attends to her before Lynette and Tom wakes up in their OWN BEDROOM to deal with the kid? Sorry, show, I don't buy it. Especially when you just established at the beginning of the episode that Lynette was exhausted from being up all night with the baby. Sheesh.

Anyway, Principal Harris goes on to mention that Penny is exhausted; she even fell asleep during social studies yesterday. "I had no idea," says Lynette wearily. "Oh my gosh. Yes, I will talk to Penny when she gets home. And I will fix this." The principal condescendingly says that would be nice, and Lynette goes off. "Okay," she says in that annoyed tone of hers. "You know what? Enough with the judgmental tone. Come on, who among us is a perfect mother?" Principal Sourpuss turns around a World's Best Mother mug. Well, if I've learned anything from Michael Scott it's that it's not hard to buy one of those for yourself. Still, Lynette looks abashed. She must really be exhausted.

Gaby knocks on the door of the Sanchez home, but Carmen isn't thrilled to see her, reminding Gaby that they said they would call first if they wanted to see the kids. Gaby lies that she was in the neighborhood and asks if Grace is home. Gee, Gaby, you think she might be in school? Like your kids are. Carmen says that Grace isn't there, so Gaby asks if Carmen could give her the purse. "Thank you," says Carmen shortly, "but Grace already has a purse." Gaby wants to know if it's Chanel. Oh Gaby, shut up. Carmen says it's a two dollar purse from a flea market, but Grace is very happy with it. Raise your hand if you're surprised that Gaby thinks Grace will like hers better. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Carmen launches into a rant about how she would like to buy her kids nice things, but that their family isn't like the Solises. "We can't afford luxuries. We can barely afford the necessities." Not getting the point, Gaby offers to help out if they need it, but Carmen tells her that all that they need is for Gaby to let them be who they are. Then she tells Gaby to call next time and slams the door in her face. Ouch. This is hard to watch. I mean, I do get where Gaby is coming from. She grew up poor and for her it's the worst thing in the world; it must kill her to see her daughter in that environment (although, really, this house is pretty nice; just not as grand as the Solis home). That doesn't give her the right to intrude, though.

Oh God. Susan is hyperventilating. "You said I had a month," she wheezes at Maxine, who reminds her that she said it was happening ASAP. Susan wants to know how many billboards there are, and Maxine tells her probably a lot. Ha. Still panicking, Susan demands that Maxine call them and get them to take the billboard down, or at least put another girl on them. I wonder what the law says about this. I mean, does that company really own Susan's image? Did she sign a contract or something? Maxine says there's nothing she can do, but Susan completely loses it, actually sinking down to the floor as she sobs that Mike will recognize her panties. "He gave them to me on our anniversary," she whimpers. Jesus, Susan, for once in your life, pull it together. You're a mess. It seems to work on Maxine, though; she offers to make a call.

Back at the Scavos', Penny arrives home from school to find Lynette waiting for her. She looks guilty, obviously thinking she's in trouble, and she apologizes for taking the baby to school. That line made me laugh really hard even though it wasn't supposed to be funny. It just sounds so absurd. "Hey sweetie," calls Lynette as Penny starts up the stairs. "You didn't do anything wrong. I did." Lynette sits down on the stairs and Penny joins her and here, finally looking at the two of them side by side, I have to say that Darcy Rose Byrnes looks less like Felicity Huffman than Kendall Applegate did. I really wish they'd given some kind of explanation for this casting switch. I was hoping they were going to age Penny a couple of years, but they've been insisting all through this episode that she's still eleven, so I guess not. And I'm not finding Byrnes to be a better actress than Applegate, so I wonder why they switched her out. Mysteries, mysteries.

Lynette tells Penny that she knows about the baby monitor snatching that makes no sense. Penny says that she's been doing it so Lynette can sleep, and Lynette heaves a big sigh. "I appreciate that," she says. "And I appreciate how often you have been looking after your little sister." "Well I know how you like to go see your friends and go jogging and stuff," says Penny as Lynette fights back tears. This scene, much like the one with Paul, unexpectedly killed me this week. There's just something so heartbreaking here about Lynette realizing she's going to have to give up what she loves for the good of her kids. Anyway, Penny continues, "And you're different when you get to do those things. You laugh more, you're not as cranky, you stay up late and play board games with us. I like that Mommy better." Lynette pulls Penny toward her, cuddling her a little, and agrees. "But it's not your job to take care of me," she says, and at this point, Tom appears in the doorway, watching but not interrupting. "Your job is to watch television and eat way too much candy. And my job is to make sure that's all your job is." She kisses Penny's forehead, and Penny scampers upstairs.

Tom walks up behind Lynette, laying his hands on her hips, kissing her neck, and telling her how sweet she is. "Get me a nanny," says Lynette calmly. "I am drowning here. You heard what Penny said; I'm not myself anymore. And when I'm not taking it out on the kids, I'm taking advantage of them. So I need help." Tom looks quite taken aback by this declaration, so he offers to help her. Lynette smiles at him gratefully, but tells him that he'll never back it up. "Get me a nanny," she demands. My sister argued here that Lynette raised the first four on her own (not even mentioning that she was REALLY on her own since Tom was traveling all the time), so why would she suddenly need a nanny just for one baby? My answer: this is all a giant set up for the arrival of Tom's mother. And as much as I'm looking forward to that, I have to agree that this is a little contrived. But that's mostly because the last time they played up Lynette needing a nanny, it was much more overwhelming. This seems tame in comparison.

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"You bought an eight-year-old girl a fourteen hundred dollar purse?" demands Carlos as he and Gaby get ready for bed. Has she ever bought Juanita or Celia anything like that, is what I want to know. Gaby tries to justify the purchase, even going so far to say that Carmen reacted irrationally: "Because God forbid that woman let her daughter have nice things." Carlos: "That woman is her mother! And I'm with her on this. You have no right to give Grace expensive things." Gaby says that she does because their life is the one Grace was supposed to have. Does that mean they should stop showering Juanita with the benefits of riches? Besides, Grace would have been poor the first five years of her life anyway. Remember, Gaby?

"This is why I didn't want us to look for her," growls Carlos. "Because we had no idea what would happen once we found her. But you looked, and we met her, and now we're falling in love with this girl. And if you spook these people, they can take her away from us. Forever." Man, Carlos is winning arguments left and right these days, isn't he?

The next morning, Beth is outside fetching the morning paper when Karen walks by. Despite Beth's cheerful greeting, Karen is all vinegar in return. She goes on a rant about how she just had a physical and she'll be around for years. "So you can tell that vulture husband of yours that he'll have to pick at someone else's carcass." Understandably, Beth has no clue what's going on, but Karen gladly informs her.

Later, inside the house, Beth is going to town on some peppers when Paul comes into the kitchen. She casually questions him, asking if he talked to anyone or if anything interesting happened. Paul: "Who would talk to me?" Beth scowls at the lies (although technically that whole scene with Paul and Karen happened the day before. But let's be honest here, the DH Time Gods are never on the side of continuity). Beth knifes the shit out of those peppers. Grrr. You take out your rage, girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Renee is out on her dinner date with Keith. She's trying to ply him with sea urchin, but Keith just keeps making dorky, stupid jokes that Renee pretends are funny. Suddenly a shadow runs by; Renee is bothered, but continues on with her flirting. Keith continues to be a low class fool. Another shadow runs by. "Okay, did you see that?" asks Renee, close to freaking out. She sees a child and screams. By now, even Keith has noticed that something is up. Slowly, Renee begins to explain that she had a traumatic experience at the circus as a child, but before she can finish the story, a little person comes over and asks if he knows her. Renee shrieks, jumps up, and literally tries climbing the walls to get away. "Is he there with his tiny hands?! I can't look at his tiny hands!!!!" She throws a coat on the man, which Keith promptly removes, apologizing. He shouldn't; this is the funniest scene since Bree's lap dance last year. The little person leaves, and Renee climbs down.

In a private room, the little person approaches Bree and tells her that she should have seen Renee's face. Bree heard the screaming, though, and that was enough for her. She thanks him, and he says he'll see her in church. Amazing.

From the hilarious to the somber, we join Susan as she bitches to Maxine about having to pay $9000 in order for them to take down the billboards. Apparently the "partners" agreed to take them down as long as Susan footed the bill. Susan is, of course, upset. If she gives up that money, she and Mike will be back to square one. So, wait? Nine thousand bucks and she and Mike are already climbing out of the hole? How bad could it have been then? That's chump change compared to my student loans. Whatever. Maxine points out that Susan will also have to explain where the money went. I don't trust Maxine. I think she has ulterior motives to keep Susan trapped in indentured servitude until all of our eyeballs fall out.

Susan says that maybe she should just let them put up the billboards and be done with it, but Maxine says there's another way. "You could earn that money back, and fast too." She tells Susan that Va-Va-Va-Broom offers other services too, and that if Susan is willing to go the extra mile, she could earn a lot of cash quickly. Apparently these other services are private, one-on-one interactions of a racier nature. We don't get the details, but Susan is obviously considering it. Ew.

In a creepily lit alley, we see a mysterious man's feet approach a dumpster. He finds the crumpled poster of Susan's face, picks it up, and leaves with it. Great. Susan has a stalker. Just what this plot needed.

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The next day, Renee comes over to yell at Bree about exploiting her terror of little people. Hehehe. She threatens to tell Keith what Bree did, but Bree tells her that she'll tell on her too. Neener neener. Seriously, ladies, this guy is not that hot or interesting. You could both do better. Keith arrives, and Renee wants to ask him directly which of them he wants. A direct question? With no passive aggressive bullshit? I may die of a stroke. As Renee begins to ask, though, Bree circumvents the question by asking Keith about paint colors instead. Then she sends him off to fetch the paint.

"What's the matter, Bree? Afraid you'll lose?" asks Renee once Keith is gone. Defeated, Bree tells Renee that she can have Keith. "I don't get his references, I can't stay up late like he does...I'm being silly." Yes, yes you are. And you can do better, sweetie. Seriously, he is the most uninteresting man you've ever been with. Renee tells Bree that they both have the guts to go after what they want. She asks Bree if Keith will make her happy, and when Bree says yes, Renee sexes up her outfit a little and sends her out after Keith. Well that rivalry didn't last long.

Over at the Solises', Hector and Carlos are out on the porch drinking beers. "You know I think it's great that out of this unfortunate situation, we could all end up being friends," says Carlos; Hector agrees. Ah, male bonding. So simple. So naive. They're interrupted by Celia and Grace, who chase each other into the house. We follow them into the kitchen, where Carmen is teaching Juanita how to cook while Gaby watches. Grace comes up to Gaby to tell her how much she loves the house, so Gaby offers her a tour.

Up in the bedroom, Grace is astounded by all the cool stuff Gaby has, including a jewelry box. Gaby opens it to show Grace her jewelry, and when Grace picks up a necklace, Gaby offers it to her. "You deserve beautiful things," she says. Grace thinks her mom might get mad, but Gaby tells her they'll keep it a secret. Yeah, sure. Suddenly, Grace spots Gaby's purse and tells her she wants one like that someday and, yep, you guessed it, we're back to our theme.

"It's called a purse, and, as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything," says Mary Alice. Cut back to Lynette's bag, from which Penny pulls a baby bottle and hands it to her mother. "From a bottle for a baby..." Next we go to Susan, pulling out a check to give to Maxine. "...to a check for protection..." Bree pulls a present from her purse and hands it to Renee. "...to a gift for a new friend." Finally, we end with little Grace's purse, as she puts her new necklace inside. "Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of: every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not."

Well I liked that one a lot. Yes, there were a few glitches in the basic logic of most of these plotlines, but this episode was light and funny and didn't feature Susan in her underwear even once! That, Michael Scott would say, is a win-win-win! Overall: A-.