DH mini-recap: Everything's Different, Nothing's Changed

Season Seven, Episode Seventeen: "Everything's Different, Nothing's Changed"

Perhaps one of the most apt titles in awhile, but I'll get to that later.

"We can never know the moment our lives are about to change forever," says Mary Alice. This opening is composed of juxtaposed scenes between Paul, and Mike and Susan doing ordinary activities: eating dinner, drinking wine, relaxing on the couch, etc. Of course, these quiet moments are interrupted by two very different phone calls, both from the hospital. One is someone informing Susan that she has a donor, and the other is someone informing Paul that Beth has shot herself and is on life support (but brain dead). It's actually a really clever opening that shows the two drastically extreme results of Beth's suicide: Susan's pure ecstasy and Paul's dismay. Of course, the second Paul finds out that Beth is an organ donor, he orders them not to touch her until he gets there. Mary Alice sums up this news thusly: "Yes, there are moments that change our lives forever. But not always in the way we might expect."

Wee little credits.

This week's opening narration is about how the women of Wisteria Lane always look for any excuse to celebrate. Tom and Lynette pop champagne because she's not pregnant, Renee buys herself a new dress for her birthday, and Gaby gets Celia a cake for getting a C+ on her paper. And, of course, they're all at the hospital to celebrate Susan getting her kidney.

After congratulations, Susan informs the girls that she'll be getting her new kidney that night, and the first thing Renee wants to know is if Susan will still be at her party later that week. Mike says only if the party is in the intensive care unit (really? She'll need to go to the ICU to recover?; isn't this a routine procedure?), and Renee gives a huffy sigh. We find out that she and Gaby are throwing this party together, and Gabrielle is in charge of the guest list.

Suddenly interrupting this exposition, a hospital employee comes up to talk to Susan. At this point, the group finds out that Beth shot herself. Sad, guilty looks all around, particularly from Bree. Hospital employee tells Susan that Paul is with Beth now, and that it will probably take awhile longer until they can do the surgery. As he walks away, Bree sinks down into a seat to lament about how she just saw Beth "yesterday" and she should have known something was wrong. Appropriately (given the fact that we know Lynette was the last one to see Mary Alice and had similar guilt), Lynette is the one to remind Bree that she couldn't have predicted this. Of course, Bree completely leaves out the fact that she refused to let Beth donate the vital organ because she wanted to do it herself (despite how she never once brings that up in this episode, nor actually offers Susan her kidney when things go awry). But then, that's Bree.

Clearly shaken, Susan dismisses the group to go home, since nothing is going to happen that night.

The next morning, Bree is woken up by a telephone call from Mrs. McCluskey, asking her to come claim her property; "Little hint: it reeks of mai tais and you gave birth to it!" We see that Andrew is passed out on Karen's couch behind her. A little while later, Alex and Bree carry Andrew home as Karen continues to berate them for Andrew's behavior. Once inside the house, Andrew tries to excuse his behavior, explaining that he was just a little confused because all the houses look the same. Bree is indignant--this behavior is unacceptable--but Andrew is still drunk and clearly not in his right mind. She tries to remind Andrew that he's predisposed to alcoholism because of her, but he claims he has everything under control.

As Andrew passes out on the couch, Bree asks Alex how bad it's been (because apparently she has no contact with her son who lives right across the street). Alex says that it's been getting worse, going from drinking on the weekends only to drinking every night of the week. Bree thinks that Alex needs to talk to Andrew, but Alex has reached the end of his rope. He's sick of Andrew constantly promising that things will get better, and says that he's thinking of leaving him. To hell with for better or for worse.

Bree begs Alex not to leave Andrew. She wants the chance to help him, claiming that she can be resourceful when necessary: "I once smuggled vodka into church in a Jesus saves sports bottle." HAHA! Oh my. I wish we had seen that episode.

Over at Renee's, men arrive with things for her party, and then Gaby bursts in to ask if the party is still going on. Renee doesn't understand why it wouldn't, and Gaby reminds her that their neighbor just shot herself. "Gaby, it's not a party, it's an event," says Renee. "Would you cancel the Oscars? Christmas? No!" It should come as no surprise that Gaby is easily swayed by this logic, especially as she just bought a new dress. She and Renee agree that Beth would have wanted her to wear that new dress, and then Renee tells Gaby to go out and confirm the guest list. Tentatively, Gaby suggests that they have a champagne toast and moment of silence for Beth, and Renee agrees as long as they turn it into a mojito toast to themselves with plenty of music in the background.

Back at the hospital, Susan finds Paul sitting on a couch in the waiting area. Being Susan, she immediately launches into a speech about how thankful she is to Beth for giving her "this gift" and that she hopes it will be a small comfort to Paul that some part of Beth is living on inside of her. It sounds really trite, and I can't tell if it's intentional or not. On one hand, this is Susan, who tends to be completely absorbed in her own problems. On the other hand...Well, no. Maybe it is trite.

Paul sees no comfort in Susan's words. He reminds Susan that Beth is still alive, and that he's going to keep her that way as long as possible. "I'm not going to allow you to strip her for parts like some abandoned car," he says, even as Susan protests that this was Beth's idea. Paul says that Beth wasn't in her right mind, and that Susan doesn't even deserve her kidney. She wasn't kind to Beth; she didn't invite her over; she didn't try to be friends with her. Indignant, he says that Susan isn't getting anything from Beth, and then he rises and storms away. He's completely right, of course, and also projecting his own guilt over what happened. I love how many layers they've given this character, and Mark Moses plays them all brilliantly.

Commercials.

We return in the hospital where Mike is now throwing a tantrum. He demands to know how Paul can do this when Beth signed forms that legally entitle the Delfinos to her kidney. The hospital employee gently agrees that the documents would hold up in court, but also informs Mike that the hospital is not going to go into battle against a grieving husband. Of course, Mike is as self-absorbed as Susan, and he thinks that this is all about Paul having a vendetta against his family. Gee, Mike, as I recall, you were the one who kidnapped Paul and took him to the middle of nowhere to put a bullet in his brain. What would you call that?

Susan interrupts this self-righteous blathering to say that she doesn't want to fight Paul, even if it is her life on the line. She says that it's Paul's decision, not theirs, and that they have to remember that his wife shot herself. Obliviously (because Mike's level of compassion to the Youngs, including Mary Alice, is nil), Mike throws up his hands in frustration, but follows Susan out of the door.

Meanwhile, Bree and Andrew are dropping off food at a venue. Andrew is actually excited to be out of the house on this errand, asking Bree when she started to cater again, but she says it's nothing official. Andrew seems to accept this, but when he asks who the client is and Bree says they prefer to remain anonymous, his suspicion rises.

Inside, it becomes clear that Bree has tricked Andrew into coming to an AA meeting. She begs him to stay, saying it could save his life, and promises that he doesn't even have to tell anyone they're related. Before Andrew can agree--or flee--another man greets them, and Andrew introduces himself as Elvis. HAHA! "Just another reason for me to be mad at my mother," he says smugly. Awesome.

On Wisteria Lane, Tom, Carlos and a third man have just arrived home from a golf trip, and Lynette comes out to greet them. She is wearing an adorable little cardigan that I covet. The group makes some jokes about golfing, and then Carlos heads home. The third man, Glenn, asks if he can use the Scavos' bathroom before he heads home, and they all head inside.

Turns out that the bathroom was an excuse for Glenn to talk to Tom in private. He wants to poach him from Carlos to be the new CFO of his company. Lynette is thrilled, but Tom isn't too enthused. He doesn't want to leave Carlos in a lurch. Even as he officially passes, Glenn says that he isn't giving up so easily, and as he heads out, he asks Lynette to talk sense into Tom. "Talk...Beat...Whatever gets the job done," she quips.

Alone, Lynette hopes that Tom was playing Glenn to get the best offer possible, but Tom is adamant about not screwing over Carlos. And I've already written a fanfic on this, but this would have been an ideal occasion for Lynette to remind Tom that Carlos threw her under the bus last year without a second thought. Instead, she just points out that this is a great offer, a fact that Tom couldn't care less about (which, really, I'm okay with because it's definitely in character; Tom, more than any other character on this show, is about loyalty and the constant need to stay in people's good graces). Of course, somehow he fails to notice the "this isn't over, not by a long shot" look in Lynette's eyes.

Back at AA, "Elvis" is prompted to share his thoughts. He wants to pass, but Bree pushes the issue. Foolish woman. So Andrew launches into a speech about how his mother tries to control his life. "I think her greatest regret in life is that she gave birth to a son instead of a puppet. She's such a control freak. My sister and I used to call her Attila the Mom." HAHA! Oh Andrew and Danielle, I've missed you so. The group laughs, even as Bree squirms uncomfortably. Continuing, Andrew tells a story about how he planned to run for class president in high school, but Bree discouraged him without even listening to his speech. At this point, Bree is actively trying to excuse her behavior while not giving away that she's the one Andrew is talking about. "There is a difference between sharing and whining!" she shouts to the group, and at this point, the leader decides to call it quits. They stand up to pray, and as Bree and Andrew stare at one another, Andrew breaks away from the circle and leaves.

Commercials.

Gaby is confirming the invites when we return from the break. Strangely, all of the invitees seem to be the people who live on their street and Gaby approaches this task on a door-to-door basis. Okay then. They all have something snarky to say about the bad timing of this, and everyone declines to come.

"Well they can all go to hell," says Renee when Gaby informs her. She says that they're still having the party, refusing to even change the date because she always has her spring fling on the first Sunday of April. "My social life is not going to come to a stop just because some cuckoo bird decides to clean her ears with a hand gun." Even Gaby is awed by this level of unfeeling.

Susan is washing dishes when Mike comes in to tell her MJ is asleep. The small talk doesn't last long--Mike wants to talk about why Susan won't let him fight to get her the kidney (no mention of where they'd get the money to hire a lawyer, by the way). Susan points out all the things that Paul said: that it makes no sense that Beth would want to give Susan her kidney when she was never a friend. "I can't take her kidney knowing that maybe I am the reason she's lying in that hospital," says Susan, and Mike pulls her in for a hug.

Over at the Scavos', Lynette is taking a less direct approach with a tough subject than Mike did. Clad in a bathrobe, she emerges from the bathroom and dims the lights in the room, ignoring Tom's protests that he's reading. Silkily, she greets Tom like he's a passenger on a plane as she climbs up on the chest at the foot of their bed and strips off her robe, revealing a sexy bra and little boxer shorts underneath (which is just so Lynette that I love the costuming people at this moment). Tom's eyes go wide and he throws down his book. "Help me put my bag under the seat," he says, trying to play along, and Lynette shakes her head and tells him to let her do the talking. She steps onto the bed, asking Tom if he needs help with his seatbelt, and then she pulls back the covers to note that he's "already in the upright and locked position." HA! As Lynette sits down on Tom's lap, he eyes her greedily, asking the name of the airline so he can become a frequent flier. "Oh, this isn't a commercial airline, sir," she says flirting. "Hotshot executives like you only fly on the corporate jet."

Even as Lynette bends to kiss her husband, Tom's warning bells go off, and he reminds Lynette that he's not taking the job. Lynette goes from sexy flight attendant to annoyed wife in two seconds flat, wrapping her robe around her again and climbing off of Tom's lap. He makes the same protests--that he refuses to be disloyal--and Lynette agrees that's fine, but he has to at least try to leverage Carlos for a better offer. Tom agrees, and Lynette is suddenly in the mood again. She shimmies back on top of Tom and the two of them get down and dirty.

Of course, we just go to commercials.

Paul finds Felicia in a prison chapel, supposedly crying over the death of her daughter. They immediately get into an argument over whether to take Beth off of life support until Felicia says that they need to stop playing "this sick game." She points out that they both used Beth and they both hurt her, and now Beth is the latest victim of their twisted web. Paul wants to claim innocence, but Felicia reminds him that he refused to believe that Beth loved him. In this moment, Felicia confirms what Paul refused to believe--that Beth's love was real--but Paul still thinks there's hope she'll recover. Felicia says that they did this to Beth, and they need to let her go. Paul leaves.

Back on the Lane, Bree arrives at Andrew's to try to get him to come to another meeting. She approaches it with absolutely no bitterness or reproach, which is refreshing, but Andrew says that the agreement was for one meeting and "Elvis has left the building." He's still claiming he's fine, but Bree points out that "I don't have a problem" is one of the biggest cliches for alcoholics. Andrew says that he's not denying he has problems: no job; Alex works long hours; his whole day consists of endless stretches of nothing--just doing housework. "I dusted the other day. Actually dusted, and felt proud. How pathetic is that?" And so we've reached the realization, that Andrew has actually turned into Bree: married to a doctor who is ready to give up on his marriage and turning to alcohol and housework to get through his problems. The parallel is brilliant, and left understated, which I love. I also love the look on Bree's face as Andrew confesses all of this: like she realizes exactly what her son is going through, and she loves him all the more in the face of this hardship. Kudos to Marcia Cross and Shawn Pyfrom on this scene. God, I've missed these two; they have the best chemistry.

Anyway, Andrew says that he doesn't see why he shouldn't be allowed to drink at night to relax as long as he's not hurting anyone. He asks Bree to trust that he'll be okay, and, realizing that she can't force Andrew from his denial, she says that she hopes so. But as she leaves, she remembers that her disregard of Beth's sorrow led to her suicide, and she can't let the same happen to her son. Storming back into the house (where Andrew has already poured a drink), she reminds Andrew of this very fact, saying that she won't ever walk away when she knows something is wrong again, especially not from her own son. In that moment, Andrew finally breaks, confessing that Alex left him. Bree hugs him tightly, comforting her baby for the first time I can ever remember. "I guess he got sick of living with a drunk," sobs Andrew. Bree encourages him to go to another meeting, but Andrew says that he can't talk about this in front of a bunch of strangers. "Then we can have a meeting right here. Just the two of us," says Bree. They look at one another sadly.

Commercials.

Carlos and Tom are meeting about Tom's new job offer, and Tom's request for a raise. Immediately, Carlos says that the company is going through a rough patch and he can't give Tom any more money, but he will make him chief marketing officer and give him a car allowance and profit participation. You know, Lynette really is right about Carlos. He is a shrewd bastard. I mean, is chief marketing officer really better than vice president?

Back at home, Lynette finds this offer unacceptable. She points out that there is no profit participation because Carlos always takes any extra cash at the end of the year as a bonus. Dude. Carlos is hard core; I love it. It would have been hilarious to see him and Lynette go head-to-head on this one. Anyway, Lynette continues to berate this offer in her typical Lynette way until Tom snaps, "Why do you keep pushing like this?" Lynette: "Because if I don't, you go nowhere." Ah, there we have it. Lynette putting her foot in her mouth, as usual.

Things go from bad to worse as Lynette doesn't immediately take back what she said and Tom gets pissed off. "I think you are an amazing husband and father, but as a businessman..." she says. She thinks that Tom should take this opportunity while he has it because he's not getting any younger, but Tom is still insistent about not stabbing Carlos in the back. "You think Carlos would hesitate for a second if the roles were reversed? Not a chance. That's how he got where he is. He's ruthless," she points out, still not reminding Tom about how Carlos STABBED HER IN THE BACK just last year!! The show's inability to bring this up enrages me anew every time. He tossed her out on the street when she was pregnant and Tom was unemployed--that's how much he puts friendship ahead of business. Ugh. Whatever. Tom says that if Lynette doesn't drop this, he'll show her how he can be ruthless too. You know, Tom loves to make vague threats like that, but he never follows through and I really wonder if he ever could. I don't think he has it in him to intentionally hurt her like that.

That night, Gaby is taking out trash when she sees a hubbub down the street at Renee's and goes to investigate. Of course, this raises the question of why Tom was at work on a Sunday, but let's go with it. Inside, Gaby finds Renee, shocked that so many people showed up, but she quickly realizes that all of the guests are service people. Because apparently Renee doesn't know anyone but the residents of Wisteria Lane? I mean, was there really no one invited to this bash but their neighbors?

Regardless of my logic, Gaby wants to know why Renee didn't just postpone until the people she actually wanted to come could make it. Renee says that she refuses to pretend to be sad, but Gaby points out that Beth is dying. "She did it to herself!" snaps Renee. "Everyone has pain. But only a selfish bitch checks out and passes it on to everyone else. Beth didn't care who she hurt: her mother, her husband, her daughter..." Gaby gently reminds Renee that Beth didn't have a daughter, and Renee tries to play it off, but it's too late. Gabrielle now realizes why this is such a sensitive subject for Renee.

As tender as Gaby can possibly be, she asks Renee if her mother took her own life. Renee admits as much, and Gaby tries to broach the subject of her father's death to show Renee they can talk about this. Renee doesn't want to talk though. "I refuse to let it be what defines me," she says. "This spring fling may seem shallow and insensitive to you, but it's my way of saying I choose life over death." So did her mother kill herself in the spring too, or is this a special meaning for this year? I'm going to pretend it's the former because it makes more sense. Gaby says she'll join Renee at the party, and the two of them go to rejoin the guests.

Commercials.

Lynette is all dolled up to go look at a really hot red car that she wants to take for a test drive. The salesman asks if it's for her or her husband, but Lynette says it's for her neighbor. Warning! Warning! Back at home, she parks the car in the Solies' driveway and skedaddles home to wait for Tom.

When Tom gets home, he's outraged by the sexy car in Carlos' driveway. The car has made Tom see Carlos in a whole new light, and he's thinking about taking the job. Of course, Lynette only encourages this, so Tom grabs the phone, calls Glenn, and takes the job. As the Scavos celebrate, Lynette realizes the flaw in her plan: Tom now wants to go tell off Carlos.

Cut to Lynette chasing Tom down the street and gingerly confessing that the car isn't actually Carlos', she planted it there to make Tom take the job. Tom is outraged, but Lynette says that she had to show him that Carlos very well could have done the exact thing she's pretending he did. Oh Lynette. Tom doesn't want to hear it. He orders Lynette into the car and says that after they take it back, he's calling Glenn back. They get into the car, Lynette still extolling all of the perks of taking this job and, probably rightly, pointing out that she doesn't think Tom has even considered if he actually wants the job or not. "It would be better if you didn't talk right now," says Tom, and for once in her life, Lynette actually shuts up.

Then, as Tom starts the car, his eyes light up in excitement. Despite his obvious delight, Lynette remains quiet, letting Tom enjoy driving the car. After awhile, Tom casually asks when they have to return the car to the dealer, and Lynette says by four, but they could probably be a little late. "Yeah" agrees Tom. "Let's be a little late." And the Scavos zoom off in the hot red car.

And so Tom takes the job without us ever learning why Lynette is suddenly obsessed with material possessions and money to Gaby-esque proportions. So some speculation on where this is going; some spoilers ahead. The next few episodes seem to be focused very much on the Scavos' new, executive, jet-setting lifestyle, culminating in a very vague spoiler for the end of the season that someone observes that they're going through a "rough patch" (although I would argue that thing have been a little rough between them all season; I could write a whole comparison with season three, but I won't). Combined with that strange foreshadowing from "Flashback" when Tom said that money changes people (which at the time I thought was referring to further developments with Stella, but I now think has to do with this), I think that this new job doesn't bode well for the Scavos.

So how will it play out? Will Tom become a total douchebag now that he has money and power? Will Lynette regret pushing him into this job? Will they both become cold, rich snobs? Is this going to end with Tom having to choose between the money and his family? In a way, I'm interested to see how this plays out, if only because it could result in a fresher storyline for this couple. I'm getting tired of the only conflict between them being Lynette's control issues/Tom's insecurity about his manhood (which, by the way, comes and goes depending on how the writers need the storyline to play out that week). Reflecting back on this season, the depression storyline could have gone in a much more interesting direction (you know, by maybe even just once bringing the whole Eddie debacle into it); I wish they had just skipped the pointless "affair" story; and I really hope that at some point they will just make Penny a teenager so we can get some sort of interesting story out of her character. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm hoping that some new insight and drama will come out of this new storyline, and I don't mind that there could be dissent in their marriage, so long as it's smartly written and not completely inane.

Okay, so the last five minutes of this show. Paul shows up at Susan's apartment to talk about Beth. He says that he's decided to give Susan Beth's kidney, and that he's going to take her off of life support. Paul asks if Susan could forget some of the things he said to her before, but Susan thinks that Paul was right: she doesn't deserve this kidney. "Beth didn't love people because they deserved it," says Paul sadly. Susan is confused, and doesn't want to accept the kidney, but Paul insists that she fulfill Beth's last wish. Quietly, Susan agrees, and Paul thanks her. "Paul," says Susan as he stands to leave, "I am so very, very sorry about your wife." "Yes," says Paul, breaking down into tears. "I am too." Slowly, Susan pulls Paul in for a hug and he sobs.

"There comes a moment when our lives change forever," says Mary Alice tenderly. Cut back to Andrew and Bree, talking on his couch: "The moment we admit our weaknesses." Next we go to the Scavos', where Lynette kisses Tom goodbye as he heads off to work: "The moment we rise to a challenge." This is followed by Susan being wheeled away to surgery: "The moment we accept a sacrifice." And finally, we see Paul, crying and holding Beth's hand: "Or let a loved one go." The episode ends back in the prison chapel, where Felicia is still praying. A man enters to tell her she's been granted her request for "humanitarian release" (?? Does that exist??). Felicia acts contrite, but as soon as the man leave, an evil smile creeps up on her face. God, I hope she gets hers before the end of the season.

Well I would give this episode a solid A. I liked all of the storylines (although Gaby and Renee's felt a bit forced), especially Bree and Andrew's. As I said at the beginning, the title was very appropriate for this episode. All of these storylines were classics with a new twist: Andrew being an alcoholic paralleled Bree's own problem in season two; Paul and Susan struggled to deal with the "why" of a suicide much like they did in season one; and Tom and Lynette had a usual battle of wills about work, but with the reverse of her pushing him toward greatness instead of holding him back. I think it proved well that this show can put a new spin on familiar territory, and I hope that they can continue this trend.

Two whole weeks to the new one. I'm so tired of waiting for this show. Thank goodness that after this brief break it's all new to the end.

Of course, then there's a very long summer to get through. *Sigh*

DH mini-recap: Farewell Letter

I've gotten terribly off-track with recapping. I'd blame it all on real life, but part of it was also that I've only managed to get through about one third of "A Humiliating Business." That episode is just dull to recap. Anyway, I may or may not catch up (depending on how cluttered my DVR gets), but for this week I had too many thoughts not to get some of them down.

Season Seven, Episode Fifteen: "Farewell Letter"

Lynette is the opening narration this week as Mary Alice reminds us of all of how many sleepless nights she's had (feeding babies, taking care of sick children, and breaking up pillow fights). They even brought back the former actors who played the boys for this walk down memory lane (which makes me wish, not for the first time, that this show hadn't jumped five years into the future). Anyway, even now that her boys are grown up, they're still bothering the hell out of her. Porter wakes her up to ask if they have eggs. Apparently Lynette is too tired to tell him to GO AWAY. He continues to pester her (where do they keep the eggs?, how do you make an omelet?) until finally Lynette gets out of bed to do it herself. Thus begins my tremulous belief that this plot makes any sense. No one, least of all Lynette, would get up in the middle of the night to make her twenty-year-old sons omelets.

Downstairs, she finds that Porter and Preston are not alone: they brought home two trashy girls. They want the omelets to impress them. Lynette drags the twins over to complain that they woke her up to feed their booty calls and remind them that as a house rule, they're not supposed to be bringing girls home to hook up. They tell Lynette that they're men now, and instead of taking charge and kicking out the bimbos, Lynette just lies that they keep the eggs under the sink and watches incredulously as Preston actually goes looking for them there. Then she just walks away.

Wee little credits.

The next morning, Lynette and Tom are waiting for the boys when they come downstairs. Tom shoves the newspaper into Preston's hand, and then he and Lynette announce that the boys have seven days to leave. Porter tries to protest that they promised he could stay until he finished college (which raises so many questions: 1. why doesn't he live in a dorm? 2. did Preston ever start school or has he literally just been bumming around for a year now? 3. why do they WANT to live at home with their parents and three siblings, one of whom is a screaming baby they're constantly forced to look after? Porter and Preston, I DO NOT understand you). Instead of pointing this out, Lynette and Tom just insist that they need to leave. Tom even tells them to get jobs to pay for it. Sulkily, the twins go off to make phone calls. Lynette and Tom agree that while the boys are not ready, they have to be pushed out of the nest or they'll never learn to fly.

Susan is driving and bitching on the phone about her insurance only covering part of her dialysis. She spills coffee all over herself, and things just keep getting worse as a cop pulls her over. He accuses her of not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign and asks for her license and registration. As always, Susan has to give a whole huge sob story, bitching about the insurance and coffee and how she'll be late for dialysis now and get a bad seat near the bathroom. Taking pity (or maybe not wanting to listen to Susan whine), the cop decides to let her off with a warning. Susan: "Thank you dialysis."

Meanwhile, Gaby packs for a trip to her hometown in Texas. She isn't looking forward to going home, complaining about the hick people, small town, and perpetual tire fire. As usual, Carlos sees through this and points out that she doesn't want to go because she really doesn't want to do her therapy homework. The therapist made her write a letter to her stepfather expressing how she felt; now she wants Gaby to go to his grave and read it to him. Gaby is skeptical that this will help.

Mike and Paul are taking Zach to rehab; Zach is not thrilled about this. In fact, he's so resistant that he tries to jump out of the moving car. When Paul stops him, Zach tries to blame Paul for everything that's wrong with him. Paul points out that Zach was the one who shot him, and he yells that Zach is going to go to rehab to get sorted out or else Paul will send him to rot in jail. Zach doesn't protest, so Paul leans over and straps him back in. Such a small touch, but so brilliant. Whoever made that call is genius.

After finding out about his long lost son last week, Keith makes an effort to cram a lifetime of bonding into what seems like a day. This amounts to teaching Charlie how to throw a baseball. Everyone is all smiles until Charlie's mom shows up and announces they have to go finish packing. They're moving to Florida. Charlie skedaddles, and Keith is left to whine to Bree about how he lost precious bonding time with Charlie because Bree lied. This one argument is the only time they address this point. Keith is mad, but he's too in love with Bree to hold it against her. Gag me.

Commercials.

Susan and MJ in a grocery store. Obviously this isn't leading anywhere good. In fact, MJ is out to prove that he is his mother's son by whining that he's going to miss "Tom and Jerry" because he and Susan are stuck in line at the grocery store. Do kids really still watch "Tom and Jerry"? Is it even on TV anymore? Susan sighs, then inspiration strikes. She sends MJ off on an errand (I guess she can't lie in front of her son), and pretends she's late for dialysis to cut the line. That Susan, always a class act.

Gaby and Carlos arrive in small town Texas, sticking out like two sore thumbs. A woman approaches them to ask if they're lost, and then realizes who Gaby is. She's genuinely thrilled to see Gabrielle (seeing that she's such a famous supermodel). The woman asks what brings Gaby back, but Gaby is too distracted by a nun crossing the street to respond. Clearly she and the nun recognize each other. Upset, Gaby insists that they need to go to the hotel, and she and Carlos pile back into the cab. The nun stares ominously.

Back in Fairview, Keith has just dropped Charlie and his mom (does she have a name?) at the airport and arrives home to sulk some more. He gives this big speech about his absentee father, and how he's now in the same situation despite vowing to never to become his dad. Except, you know, his dad was in the army and Keith is just slumming around Fairview. Bree is nice enough just to say, "You're not your father."

Across the street, we find out that it didn't take long for Porter and Preston to find a new place of residence. They and their parents are out on the driveway, putting the last boxes into their car and saying goodbye. Lynette even does that cute mommy thing and takes a picture of her grown-up boys (as Tom good naturedly rolls his eyes). The twins get in the car and drive away as Lynette gets emotional and goes to Tom for a hug. It is not a moment with a long shelf life; seconds later, Tom notices that the twins drove across the street--they're moving in with Mrs. McCluskey. Horrified, Lynette erases her picture.

Commercials.

Susan and Renee are apparently still BFFs; Susan is over at Renee's having coffee. She gets off the phone and brags about how dialysis got her out of jury duty. Unsurprisingly, Renee is impressed and wishes that she was on dialysis too. Susan admits that she doesn't feel guilty because something good may as well come from this shitty situation. Renee decides they should continue to use Susan's new power for evil: they're going to get into a restaurant that usually has a long wait.

Back in the great state of Texas, the Solises arrive at a cafe for dinner. The place is completely decked out with pictures of Gaby--magazine covers, spreads from photo shoots, etc. Immediately, people flock to Gaby so they can get pictures with her (Carlos, her chauffeur, takes them). The surprises keep on coming as the school principal comes up and asks Gaby if she'll come speak to the girls at the school tomorrow. She's a motivational figure: the only one who ever made something of herself. Carlos tries to protest that they have a plane to catch, but of course Gaby isn't one to shy way from attention. Ever.

Later, Paul arrives home, and Beth asks him how it went with Zach. They make some chit chat, and Beth says that she feels like Paul has pulled away from her. She thinks that it's about Zach, not realizing that Paul knows her true identity. She's so excited that this is all sorted out because now they can be close again; she goes to hug Paul and realizes that he has her gun stuck in the back of his pants. Paul says that he needed to feel protected around Zach, but then casually wonders why Beth even had to bring a gun into their home. Beth gets overly defensive, yelling that Paul can get rid of the gun if he wants, and then begs Paul to talk to her. Since Paul couldn't tell the truth to save his life, he instead gives a spiel about betrayal--can things ever be good again after that? Beth looks worried.

That night, Keith wakes Bree with the perfect plan for her to make amends for lying (hint: it's not sex). They should move to Florida! Unsurprisingly, swimming with dolphins and picking oranges is not enough incentive for Bree. Keith is bummed, but the only other solution is for him to move on alone, and he knows a long distance relationship would be doomed. With this thought, he rolls over to go to sleep, leaving Bree up to mull things over.

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The next day, Gaby's on the phone in her motel room doing a newspaper interview. As she hangs up, Carlos tries to point out that she still needs to go to the cemetery. Gaby says she's already gotten closure since she's now being beloved by a town that once shunned her. Carlos, as always, is skeptical.

As they have so many times before, the Scavos stare out their living room window while discussing the antics of their children. Lynette thinks that McCluskey will whip the kids into shape, but a second later Karen calls to ask Lynette how to make an omelet for the twins. Obviously this isn't going to fly; Lynette hurries right over, and to her dismay, finds the twins eating breakfast with Karen, Roy and the two trashy girls. Annoyed, Lynette tells Karen that the point was for the twins to grow up, but instead they just moved from her boob to Karen's. Everyone makes a face. Lynette drags Karen out of the room to continue complaining, but Karen says that the twins are good boys and as long as they continue to be, she doesn't care if she waits on them. You can practically see the lightbulb above Lynette's head.

The hits keep on coming for poor Carlos as he later listens to Gaby warning a group of girls about the dangers of math and science (thinking too hard gives you wrinkles). You know he's probably wondering what she's been telling their daughters. Just then, the principal interrupts to reintroduce the nun from earlier, Sister Marta, to Gaby. Sister Marta is pretty condescending, telling Gaby that she's always loved being the center of attention, and with that parting shot she walks away.

Gaby storms after Sister Marta and demands to talk to her. Apparently, she told the nun what was happening with her stepfather, but her confession was dismissed. Sister Marta thought Gaby was making it up (she was a "trashy" girl because she read inappropriate books and magazines); slowly, Gaby realizes that the nun still doesn't believe her. At this point, Gaby breaks down, telling Sister Marta that after Gaby told her about the rape, she (the nun) told Gaby she should be ashamed of herself (for what happened or "lying" about it, I'm not sure), and ever since then, Gaby has been ashamed. The nun wants to know if Gaby came back to blame her, and Gaby says no, she came back because her therapist said talking to her stepfather's grave would bring closure. Instead, Gaby is going to tell her what she came to tell him: "I did not deserve what happened to me. I was a child. But you, you were a grown-up and you did nothing. You should be ashamed of yourself." It's really powerful, I think particularly because of the word "grown-up" instead of "adult." It really drives home how young Gaby was when this happened.

Leaving Sister Marta speechless, Gaby walks out, head held high, and meets Carlos. It's unclear whether he heard her, but he doesn't protest when Gaby says she's ready to go home.

Leaving this plot out of any context, I really am happy that the show finally decided to explore more of Gaby's past. I feel like her past more than any of the other characters (except perhaps Bree), hasn't been explored in as much depth. This molestation plot has only been mentioned once before (in season two), and it's nice to see that explored in a little more depth. I really enjoyed this scene where Gaby confronted Sister Marta.

That said, I do hate when this show starts in one place and veers off in a totally different direction without closure. The therapy started as a way for Gaby to deal with Grace leaving. Is she just over that now? Will Grace ever be mentioned again? It reminds me of how Rick suddenly popped back up in season four only for the plot to end up revolving around Kayla, or how the Porter being falsely accused of murder storyline ended quite abruptly with a one episode plot about Lynette and her mom. It's inexplicable to me how they decide which plots get to go on for sixteen episodes (Bree/Keith), and which ones are suddenly dropped without a second thought. Don't get me wrong, I liked this story, but I just wish that the audience could have gotten some closure with Grace first.

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Back on Wisteria Lane, Lynette has decided to "celebrate" the boys' big move by bringing them a keg and telling them to have a party. Lynette is the queen of these back door moves.

Meanwhile, Paul goes to visit Zach in rehab. I think he should have waited longer, but Paul desperately needs to know why Zach shot him. Zach tells Paul that he's hated him all his life; Paul made him the way he is. "You're evil," says Zach over Paul's protestations. "You are the reason Mom killed herself." It's horrible to hear (for me as well as Paul). Instantly, Paul tells Zach not to say that, but it's clear that it's a thought he's had at least once himself. Watching this scene, it's impossible not to hate Mary Alice at least a little. Her death ripped these two characters to shreds, and they haven't been able to survive without her. It's really depressing.

Realizing that he has power now, Zach gets in Paul's face about the suicide. Paul tries to say that Mary Alice loved him, but Zach says that no one could love Paul.

Later, Karen's house is completely trashed, so she literally drags Porter and Preston home by the ears. Lynette pretends to be shocked, and Karen abruptly remembers that the twins aren't sweet, but actually monsters. She storms out.

Amazingly, the twins think that they're going to be allowed to move back home. Lynette tells them they're going to clean up Karen's house and then find a new apartment. She yells at them for being helpless, but they turn the tables and blame her. They accuse her of always doing everything for them, and though she obviously wants to, Lynette can't deny this. Predictably (seriously, either I know this character too well now or the writers are getting stale), this all comes back to Lynette's childhood: she had to grow up too fast, so she didn't want the boys to as well. She admits that it went on too long. She apologizes, but says that it's time for them to grow up; the twins agree. Then she says she'll teach them how to make an omelet.

I cannot decide if this whole plot made absolutely no sense or not. This is the problem: remember this episode? The whole thing revolved around Lynette not wanting Tom's mom to dote on the kids and turn them into dependent idiots. Now a few months later, she's apparently done the same thing their whole lives? It doesn't quite seem in character. Not to mention that if she did it with the twins, I'd imagine she's done it with all of the kids, and just a few months ago there was a whole episode about Penny (at age "11") being responsible enough to take care of Paige. Even in that fantasy segment from "If" last season, Lynette made her disabled child make his own sandwich because he had to learn to take care of himself. So to me, it doesn't add up.

Not only does that bother me, but I also don't buy that the twins are that stupid. They've always been rash and impetuous (characteristics I like because they are so like their parents); that doesn't make them idiots. Preston spent eight months traveling around Europe and managed to survive. Porter is in college. Lynette and Tom have trusted them to take care of the baby more than once. And just last season it was established that she made Porter do the laundry (they had that big fight about it). So I have a hard time believing that they have that little common sense.

I really think that this plot would have made more sense when the twins were about twelve or thirteen. The one thing that I have no problem believing is that Lynette wanted her kids to have a real childhood; that has been clearly established. But I think that she would have started to realize they need more responsibility about the time they hit puberty, not when they were fully grown men. Actually, if this episode had taken place in real time, not in five-year-jump land, it would have really worked. I could totally see Lynette getting into a power struggle with her teenage boys over making them take more responsibility. But at this point in time, I don't quite buy it.

Anyway, the show is still going on. All that thinking that Bree did the night before actually leads to her to finally doing the right thing. She tells Keith that he should move. Right now his relationship with Charlie is long distance, and she knows that it's more important for that relationship to work than theirs. She tells him that she's already lived through having kids, and they are the most important people in her life. Keith can always find another love (as Bree has time and again), but he won't be able to replace his relationship with his child.

I am ridiculously happy to see Keith go. Bree has been trapped in this snooze-worthy storyline for two thirds of the season, and I'm ready for her to move on. Not only did Bree and Keith have the least conflicted relationship of any couple in the history of this show, but I also feel like it lacked any sort of character exploration. In some ways, this felt like the lost Karl relationship to me, answering that question: what would Bree have been like if she actually wound up with a guy who wasn't so much like her? Unfortunately, Keith is no Karl, and if they needed to go down this road, I would have rather seen it happen last year with Karl than this year with Keith.

This season could have been much more about Bree reinventing herself than it has been. There was no fallout from her selling the business; little to no follow up with the fact that she's now a divorcee; no dealing with the fact that she's an adult with grown children--really alone for the first time. I would have rather seen her struggle with her identity in the beginning of this season and maybe find herself in a relationship in the latter half instead of what the show gave us. This show needs to remember that it's not just a romantic comedy; there are other facets of these characters to explore.

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Time for more dialysis hijinks. Susan and Renee have arrived at the restaurant, and Susan tries to use her dialysis to cut the line, but for once it's a no go. A pushy man refuses to let Susan play the pity card: he's a diabetic; his wife has arthritis. He goes on a long diatribe about how everyone has problems, and Susan isn't special. It is amazing. More people should say this to Susan. Shot down, Susan and Renee walk away, and Susan complains that she doesn't feel well. A second later, she collapses. Renee thinks she's faking for a second, then realizes that Susan really did pass out. She yells for someone to call 911.

That night, at home, Paul sits on his bed and waits for Beth to come out of the bathroom. When she does, he picks up a suitcase and forcibly drags her downstairs. She tries to protest, but he finally confesses that he knows who she is. Beth begs him to forgive her, trying to say that she loves him, but he literally throws her out of the house. "No one could ever love me," he says, handing her her gun and slamming the door in her face. He didn't even give her her fish.

End narration: Mary Alice talks about leaving. Porter and Preston pack up their car and hit the road. Gaby and Carlos hold hands as they take a taxi home. Keith has apparently agreed to go: he packs his bag to leave. As Mary Alice sums this episode up, not once mentioning the destruction she has borne her family, Beth sadly walks down the street, realizing she has no where to go.

Overall, I'd give this episode a B. Without nitpicking, it really was stellar, but there are too many little things I can't quite let go. The one part of the episode that really worked for me was Paul's plot; it was the most brilliant, by far. Subtle and powerful, and I felt bad for every one of the characters. It's heartbreaking to see how their lives have been destroyed by one death, and a nice reminder that at one time, Mary Alice's suicide was the heart of this show. This episode did make me wonder, though, if this season might not end with Paul's suicide as well. I feel like he's headed in a downward spiral, and no one cares enough to save him.

DH recap: Excited and Scared

Season Seven, Episode Six: "Excited and Scared"

"Paul Young was a frustrated man," says Mary Alice as Paul anxiously rubs his hand over the arm of his chair. He and Beth are sitting in a rather nondescript office. "He'd been living with his wife for over two months, but she still refused to sleep with him." Cue flashbacks: Paul has tried expensive jewelry, wine, and porn to get Beth in the mood with always the same result--she slams her bedroom door in his face. Man, that's really all the dirt you're going to give us, Mary Alice? With Paul being her husband and all, you'd think she could add some more colorful commentary to this. Which really brings up a good point: do the Mary Alice voiceovers really serve any purpose anymore? I feel as though they seem like just a requirement at this point, something tacked on quickly to each episode simply because it's always been part of the show. It's not like I want them to cut Mary Alice from the show, but I do wish they'd make her little speeches more meaningful.

Anyway, back in the office, Mary Alice finishes up: "So Paul decided to get help from someone sure to sympathize with his situation: another man." A therapist comes into the room and introduces himself as Dr. Gable.

A little while later, Beth has obviously explained to the therapist how she and Paul met and got married; Dr. Gable is curious as to why it never occurred to Beth that Paul might be released someday. "You were content to marry a man you could never truly be with?" he inquires politely. Beth says that she just wanted someone to care about her; she was never actually interested in sex. Too bad, Paul. "Do you not like sex?" asks Dr. Gable as Paul eagerly awaits the answer. Turns out that Beth is a virgin (surprise, surprise). Paul is completely shocked by this. "You're thirty years old!" he exclaims, outraged. Hey, I'm outraged too; not so much by the fact that she's a virgin but by the fact that she's married to a guy who has to be in his fifties by now. I'm not digging the twenty year age difference. Beth explains that she was saving herself for marriage. "Good news!" snaps Paul. "You are married! Time to take the lid off the cookie jar!" Beth: "Stop calling it that!" So he's used this euphemism more than once? Interesting.

Dr. Gable interrupts the fight to bring some logic to the situation. He thinks that Paul and Beth should date. If Paul takes Beth out and they get to know one another, then Beth will eventually be able to develop normal romantic feelings for him and thus boink his brains out. Beth digs this plan, so Paul reluctantly agrees.

"Yes," says Mary Alice as the Youngs leave the office. "Paul Young was frustrated. But even frustrated men..." She trails off, giving Paul time to say that Beth will be treating him on their dinner dates until she puts out (classy). "...have their pride."

Wee little credits.

It's Halloween on the Lane, as evidenced by the absolutely huge "Happy Halloween" banner that overlooks Wisteria Lane. Not to mention all of the decorations. Oh, yeah, and Mary Alice might mention it too. "It was that time of year when people find out what they're afraid of," she explains. "For some, it's the monster in the bushes." Parker jumps out wearing a mask and scares Porter (who gives him the weakest shove ever. Seriously, they're brothers. I do not buy this lame ass pushing). "For others, it's the spider in their hair." Lee is hanging a sign when Penny dangles a fake spider in his face and he screams. Why am I not at all surprised that these shenanigans all result from the Scavo kids? "For a few, it's the vampire in the driveway." Celia and an anonymous friend walk down the street, and Carlos jumps out wearing vampire teeth to scare them. "Yes, Halloween had once again come to Wisteria Lane." Renee walks to Lynette's house, ignoring Parker's repetitive scare tactics. "And the only thing that frightened one woman was that she might not be the center of attention."

Inside the Scavos', Renee announces that she's having a Halloween party and that all of the girls have to come (in this case, Gaby, Lynette and Bree). Apparently, this is an annual tradition for Renee, albeit one that will be much lamer now that she lives in the suburbs. Gaby says that Grace is sleeping over that night, but once they're done trick or treating they can stop by. Renee promptly announces that there won't be any children welcome. "They always get underfoot, they eat all the candy, and you can't swear in front of the little bastards." Heh. Bree says she'll come if she can bring Keith, and Renee says she guesses one child will be okay.

Just then, Allison comes into the room and asks if Lynette bought her the hand cream she asked for. Lynette says that she didn't remember her asking, but she can pick it up after her company leaves. "Oh alright," says Allison. "It's just that my hands are so dry that they're starting to crack and bleed." Nice. Apparently the guilt works; Lynette agrees to go to the store right then, as long as Allison makes sure to wake up the baby at three. Allison agrees, and then notices one of the invitations Renee handed out. "Oh!" she cries. "A party." Renee snatches the invitation away with a simple, but hilarious, "No."

Over at the home of the sad and pathetic, Susan is explaining her side business to Mike, who sits and scowls at the computer screen. "Oh look, Mike, I know that you must be angry," says Susan, wringing her hands. "If you wanna yell, yell. Let me have it! Say something, please." Instead of yelling, Mike just says, "I should have taken that job in Alaska." Yeah, buddy. You should have. I mean, really, Mike has served absolutely no purpose in the season yet anyway. For all the screen time he's had, he might as well have been off in Alaska, saving us all from seeing Susan do porn. Susan, you might guess, doesn't agree with me.

"I thought I could make some easy money and no one would know," she whimpers. "I'm sorry!" Astutely, Mike asks why Susan would even tell him this. She reluctantly admits that Paul saw her (Mike: "Oh God!") and is now blackmailing her. Susan thinks that it shouldn't matter--since she told Mike now Paul has no leverage. Mike, however, is still stuck on the fact that Paul threatened her at all, and he goes to pick up a hammer to bash Paul's head in with. "No, no, no!" yelps Susan. "Don't be angry! This was good! I'm not lying to you now!" Nice spin, Susan. Mike doesn't care; he heads for the door, so Susan leaps on his back like a spider monkey to deter him. She says she has an idea for how to deal with Paul. Mike: "I'm listening." Now see, right then would have been a good time to point out that Susan's ideas rarely lead anywhere good. Why is Mike always so stupid?

Grace and Juanita are in Grace's bedroom and the former is talking about how excited she is to go trick or treating with Juanita. She picks up a pumpkin shaped basket that she's going to use to collect candy, and Juanita quickly says that won't cut it. There's too much loot to be found on Wisteria Lane. In a somewhat awkward transition, Juanita opens Grace's pencil case and finds the necklace that Gaby gave Grace inside. "Where'd you get this?" she asks suspiciously. Grace's eyes widen as she nervously asks, "Why?" and Juanita explains that it's her mom's. Snatching the necklace away and stuffing it into a desk drawer, Grace says that it was a present from her aunt. Wow, lying on the spot. She really is Gaby's kid. Juanita pretends to believe this, but when Carmen beckons the girls downstairs and Grace runs from the room, Juanita takes a second to steal the necklace back.

A minute later, she climbs into Gaby's car with a self-satisfied smirk on her face. "I found out something about Grace today," she tells Gaby proudly. And it almost breaks my heart because it's like Juanita knows that this sort of gossip should be the sort of thing to actually please her mom. Seriously, Juanita and Gaby's relationship is just tragic. "She's a thief," Juanita says, unveiling the necklace. Gaby, of course, is distraught, demanding to know what Juanita is doing with it. "She stole your necklace, so I stole it back," declares Juanita as Gaby snatches the necklace away. Impressively, she manages not to completely freak out, simply explaining that she gave the necklace to Grace because she felt sorry for her and her poor family. "Aunt Rosie's poor and you always hide your jewelry box when she comes over," points out Juanita. I love her; she's like the smartest kid on this show. Gaby explains that the situation is completely different since Aunt Rosie is a kleptomaniac, so Juanita asks if she wants her to give the necklace back. Gaby says that she'll take care of it, and they drive off.

Back at the Scavos', Lynette arrives home and gives Allison her hand cream. "So how did it go with the baby?" she asks, flopping down on the couch and glancing around the room. "And on a related note, where is the baby?" Allison says that Paige is still upstairs in the crib, and Lynette goes from relieved to upset in about two seconds flat. Turns out that it's after three, and Allison didn't wake the baby like she said she would. "Bless her heart, I had time to mend all of Rodney's old sweaters," explains Allison cheerfully. Lynette distractedly corrects her that they're Tom's sweaters, more concerned that Allison didn't keep her promise. Allison: "Oh that's ridiculous. I would never agree to wake a sleeping baby."

Annoyed, Lynette gets up to go get Paige, complaining that she'll be up all night now that she's napped for four hours. Suddenly, Allison jumps up and cries out, "You stop yelling at me!" Lynette says she's not yelling (she really isn't), but Allison continues to whimper that Lynette is unfairly blaming her. "You're a liar!" she shouts, and she storms out of the room, leaving Lynette to stare after her worriedly.

Next door, Susan arrives at her old house with a basket of muffins. Now, they look like delicious chocolate chip muffins, but we find out that they're actually raisin muffins, which prompts me to ask: raisin muffins? Does such a thing really exist? And are they actually any good? Because, honestly, a muffin sounds like heaven right now.

Regardless, Paul is surprise to see both Susan and her muffins. Susan lies that the muffins are a peace offering. "Paul, we need to move past the past," she explains, brushing past him into the house. "You have been a really good tenant, and I appreciate that. You never complain, you're never late with the rent check. In fact, you're usually early. Who does that? I'm just so lucky that...Oh dear." Susan stops short to point out that Paul has used a thumb tack to hang up a calendar. "Well I tried willing the calendar to stay up, but it just wouldn't cooperate," says Paul. Ha! That's the first joke I ever remember him cracking. Calmly, Susan says that altering the house in any way violates their lease agreement; she even has a convenient copy of it in the muffin basket to prove her point. Thus, Paul needs to be out of there in sixty days.

"Very clever, Susan," says Paul. "But do you really think you're in a position to be making such demands? Why don't we just agree to overlook this slight lease infraction before I call your husband and let him know about his wife's little cleaning fetish?" For once, Susan has the upper hand. Gleefully, she informs Paul that she's already talked to Mike and he knows about everything, even the blackmail. "See this?" she asks, pulling out Mike hammer from the muffin basket. "This is what I had to pry out of his hand so you wouldn't need a paramedic to pry it out of your skull." She then gives a visual example of what will happen to Paul if anyone finds out about her porn career: she bashes a muffin with the hammer. Paul says he understands, but judging by how calm, cool and collected he is, Susan should still be worried. She takes her victory, though, reminding Paul that he has sixty days. Whoa. I just totally noticed that Paul has a picture of him and Zach out. That seems bizarre on about a hundred different levels, and I'm left hoping that that means that Zach will actually return at some point this season.

My distractedness aside, Susan turns to leave. "Oh! And enjoy those raisin muffins," she says. "At least I hope they're all raisins. My apartment has rats." Oh Susan. As if I or Paul possibly believe that you actually baked those.

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Bree and Keith are arriving home from a date, but for once they're on their way to his apartment instead of her house. Actually, it turns out that it's her first time there, and she's clearly nervous in a typical Bree way (you know, that it'll be a crapshack). Keith opens the door and let's her in to an impeccable apartment. "Oh my God!" she exclaims, explaining that she had a frozen smile already prepared for what she expected to be a pigsty. "But look at this place," she says. "It's tastefully decorated and smells like...Oh my. Is that potpourri?" HA! It is, in fact. No one should be surprised when I say that Bree is turned on (though not as much as she was that time Orson was washing her wine glasses), and she and Keith start to make out. Suddenly, a beautiful young woman walks through the apartment, greeting them. Keith introduces her as Mimi, his roommate, but Bree's wide eyes and forced smile tell us that she is not happy about this. In fact, she looks kind of crazy.

Over at Susan's school, they're having a haunted house. Paul has brought Beth. Because, you know, it's not at all weird or creepy for them to be hanging out at an elementary school on a date. Beth is interested, though, if not impressed, as Paul explains that he figured at a haunted house, she'd probably want to grab on to him. Yeah. Especially at one aimed at small children. He redirects Beth to go get them a snack, and then skulks over to the nearest mother he can find.

"So, are you an Oakridge parent?" he asks the woman, who tells him that she is, in fact. She wonders if Paul is checking out the school as a prospective parent, and he coolly mentions that his morals are too conservative to ever send his child there. Which you would think would make this lady question why he's there at all, but she just wants the dirt. "Are you familiar with a Mrs. Delfino?" he asks. Well look at Paul double tasking. Dating his wife and ruining Susan's life all at once. You go, Paul.

Very late that night, Lynette paces the living room with baby Paige, desperately trying to get her to go to sleep. She's singing a lullaby (and she has a very nice voice, actually): "Go to sleep/go to sleep/this is all Grandma's fault/go to sleep/go to sleep/why can't she put her things away?" Hee. The last line is prompted by seeing the hand cream she bought Allison earlier still sitting out on the end table. Annoyed, Lynette heads to the bathroom to put the jar away, but is surprised to find that Allison has about ten jars of the same cream in her bag. Lynette is troubled, but I am super distracted by the baby's huge eyes. She is such a cutie.

Even later, Lynette clicks on the light on Tom's nightstand and sit down next to him on the bed. He wakes up, groggily asking if she's okay and what time it is. Lynette tells him that it's 4:12 (damn) and apologizes for waking him up, but she's worried about his mother. "I don't think she's all there," she explains as Tom looks at her in confusion. "You woke me up at 4am to bitch about my mom?" he whines. "You couldn't do that during business hours?" He rolls over, away from her, but Lynette will not be deterred; she explains the hand cream dilemma and what happened with Paige's nap time earlier. "She's older," says Tom. "She forgets some things."

"No," says Lynette, adorably climbing over Tom to her side of the bed. "She also has these intense mood swings. Today she almost took my head off for no reason. And then she looked like she was going to burst into tears." Tom continues to try to rationalize these behaviors, and Lynette says that she understand that he needs to find excuses. "But I think," she says, burrowing under the covers, "there's more going on here than just her being a little forgetful." She flops down, back to Tom, and reminds him that his light is on. Unfortunately, some of what she said must have gotten through because Tom is now wide awake.

The next morning, Tom comes downstairs and finds him mom in the kitchen reading the newspaper. He greets her more worriedly than usual, and Allison wants to know what's going on. "You just seem a little scattered lately," he says, sitting down at the table. "Have you noticed that?" Allison reaches out to pat his hand, saying, "There's my little worry wort. Remember when you were at Camp Kickapoo, you were sure Hurricane Belle had killed us all even though it was off the coast of Georgia." Aww. That is so adorably neurotic! Tom's clearly recalling something he hasn't thought about in years, adding that the mean counselor Bob ("Andy," his mom corrects him) wouldn't let him call home. Allison says he did get to call, though, and he even made her put the dog on the phone. Okay, seriously, that is probably the first cute childhood story we've ever heard on this show. At least one of the adults didn't have a completely dysfunctional childhood.

Allison says that she's going to get dressed since she has to help Penny with her costume, and Tom turns to Lynette (who has been listening to all of this) to say "I told you so." "Yeah, but it's nine o'clock in the morning," says Lynette rationally. "I've been doing a little research and there is this thing called sundowning. A lot of people with dementia don't show signs in the day. It's only at night that they get confused." Immediately, Tom gets defensive, saying that Lynette has just been looking for an excuse to get his mom out of the house. It's not entirely fair, but it is understandable. I mean, my cousins' grandmother had a stroke about six months ago, and the entire family was in denial for months about how bad it was (they even brought her home from the hospital before realizing that none of them could properly take care of her). Sometimes it's just too hard to admit that these things are real. Even Lynette isn't baited into fighting back, she simply points out that the things his mom has been doing (like leaving the stove on for an hour after she made tea) worry her. "Maybe we should take her to the doctor," she suggests.

At this point, Tom goes from defensive to completely irrational, absolutely refusing to go along with that. What is with these two and their refusals to get help from people? Seriously, if Lynette hadn't hurt herself and had to go to the hospital, she probably never would have found out she had cancer. And remember when Tom refused to send Kayla to a therapist (which she actually needed LONG before she convinced the twins to burn down Rick's restaurant). Sheesh. "Until we know what's going on, I don't feel comfortable with her watching the baby," says Lynette, still perfectly calm and logical. "There is nothing wrong with my mother, okay?" yells Tom. "So just drop it."

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Over at Keith's, Bree is all ready for her walk of shame, right after she talks to Mimi, who is in the kitchen making tea. She does that annoying Bree thing (similar to what she did with Sam's mother last season), interrogating Mimi in a roundabout way to make sure that she and Keith never slept together. I kind of wish Bree was just secure enough to not have to resort to these tactics. Anyway, Mimi doesn't really mind. She says that Keith never stops talking about Bree, so she doesn't have to worry. Then she leaves the room, asking Bree to please give Keith his mail when he gets up. Bree agrees, and then promptly starts looking through the mail. Despite being married to an ex-con for years (or maybe because of that), she's worried to see an envelope from the Eagle State Department of Corrections.

Later that day, Bree approaches Renee, who is outside putting the finishing touches on her Halloween decorations. Hesitantly, she asks, "In the time that you and Keith spent together, did you ever have the sense that he might be--" Renee cuts her off: "Into bony, old white ladies? Definitely." HA! Bree clarifies that she was actually wondering if Renee got the vibe that Keith was crazy. Renee recaps her two dates with Keith, saying that the vibe she got was that Bree was crazy. Yes. She is. "Renee," says Bree, "you're not being very helpful."

Renee asks what this is really about, so Bree comes out and explains, "I recently discovered that he is on probation for assault." Renee waves that off as nothing; Keith just beat up some guy for hitting on his girlfriend. Oh, well, that's not worrisome at all. Bree is more concerned that Keith told Renee this, but not her, so Renee clarifies that she actually interrogated the bartender before she took Keith home. "I don't wanna end up handcuffed to my bed for three days. Again." Heh. "So Keith was defending his girlfriend," says Bree happily. Uh, did we hear the same story? Because the way Renee told it, I would assume that Keith has some serious jealousy issues.

Renee says that if Bree's really worried, she could always start a fight with Keith to see if he'll hit her. "Whoever left you handcuffed to the bed for three days, he has my respect," says Bree before walking away.

Over at the Solises', Gaby is apparently now pretty domestic; she made Grace's Halloween costume (the first one she's ever made, in fact), which Grace is currently trying on. That is so weird. Carmen, who wouldn't let Gaby give her kid a purse, let her make her Halloween costume? Okay then. Regardless, Grace calls out that she loves her costume, and Gaby is the coolest mom ever. What a suck up.

Juanita runs into the room wearing the cutest little puppy costume ever. She even does a couple of fake barks. It's so sweet. "You're adorable!" says Gaby, and Juanita starts to do a little dance. Unfortunately, they're interrupted by Grace opening the closet door and coming out in her princess costume. She also looks super cute, but instead of giving a proportional reaction, Gaby jumps up and declares that Grace looks beautiful. As she starts to shower her biodaughter with attention, Juanita strives to steal some of it by waving her little doggy tail. Too bad Gaby is totally distracted by putting a tiara on Grace.

"I wanna be a princess!" says Juanita, flopping onto the bed with a little sulk. Gaby doesn't pick up on her daughter's jealousy. "What?" she says. "All you've talked about for the last four months is how much you wanted to go as a dog." Juanita says she's changed her mind, but Gaby says it's too late; it's a dog or a little Mexican girl. "And in this neighborhood we both know which is getting more candy." Juanita pouts.

For some strange reason, Susan is at school even though both Juanita and Grace are at home. Okay. We'll just go with it. She's giving the students instructions when she's interrupted by a woman telling her that the principal needs to see her. Susan looks concerned.

Back at home, Mike watches MJ (MJ! Where have you been?!) beat his club against the floor (he's dressed as a caveman for Halloween) when Susan finally arrives home. She has a box of her stuff in her hands, but Mike doesn't notice, just mentioning that MJ has been waiting four million years to go trick or treating. I'm going to assume that Susan insisted on taking him or else Mike is back to his old douchey ways. Susan hands Mike the box, telling MJ to go put his shoes on. And at this point, I have to comment on Susan's costume. I have no idea what she's supposed to be--a character from Mother Goose maybe?--but her makeup is absolutely terrifying. Her face is so pale and she's wearing so much rouge that she looks more gaunt that usual. It makes me not want to look at her face. I mean, who did she piss off to get saddled with this look? Lord.

Anyway, Mike finally notices that Susan's not her usual perky self, and she tells him that she got fired. "They found out about the website," she says, teary-eyed. I do not feel bad for her at all. Regardless of all of the lesser crap that teachers get called out on every day, Susan should have at least learned from that whole Robin the stripper debacle last year. I mean, they don't let just any fool off the street into a classroom. She is an idiot for ever risking her career for something this stupid. Whatever. I am just thrilled that Susan's teaching career is over. Mike blames Paul for this, but Susan explains that it was one of the moms from the school.

"So what are we going to do?" asks Mike. "We can't make it on what I'm bringing in." Never mind that the main reason Susan took this job was to get MJ into that school. How are they going to pay for that now? Susan says she'll find another job, but Mike isn't so optimistic. He says that he's going to take that job in Alaska. "No! No Alaska," says Susan stubbornly. "You'll be gone three months. You can't do that to MJ!" Mike: "Do what? Make an honest living? How much thought did you give MJ when you were dancing around in your underwear?" I don't know, Mike. How much thought did you give MJ when you weren't making people pay for your services and also refused to take your wife's money? Douche. Mike also points out that now that it's out around school, there's a good chance MJ will hear about it. "No, Susan. You don't get to make the decisions about what's best for this family anymore. I do. Take MJ trick or treating. I'm going to make this phone call." Ouch.

Paul and Beth arrive home from another date that was apparently a big success; Beth enjoyed hearing stories about Paul's childhood. "Can I give you an odd compliment?" she asks. "When you talk about the past it changes how you look. You're not so intimidating." I agree. When he was reminiscing about Mary Alice a few episodes ago I actually felt bad for him. Again, something that would actually be interesting to hear Mary Alice comment on. Paul appreciates the compliment so much that he leans in to kiss Beth, but she backs away to ask what he's doing. "I was responding to what I thought was a signal from you," says Paul. Defensively, Beth snaps that it wasn't a signal for him to jam his tongue down her throat.

"Beth, I'm not some kind of animal trying to satisfy its urges," he says. He tells her that he wants a real marriage with her, which sex is a part of, but which also entails having a partner. He goes in for the kill again, this time making contact with her lips, but it doesn't last long before she slaps him. They stare at each other, stunned for a moment, and then Paul snaps, "I want you gone by the end of the week!"

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On this All Hallow's Eve, Cowboy Carlos has candy duty at the Solis house, and apparently Penny and Allison have been roped into it at the Scavos'. But where things are really happening is at Renee's; her party is in full swing. The doorbell rings and Renee (dressed as Marilyn Monroe) answers it to find Bree (a cheerleader) and Keith (a biker) ready to party like it's 1999. Keith doesn't understand who Renee is supposed to be; his guess after she sings "Happy Birthday" a la Marilyn is Michelle Obama. Idiot. Also dated at this point in the show's timeline. Even if Obama gets another term, he'll have been out of office for almost a year at this point in the show. It would be like if someone dressed up as Laura Bush today. In other words, Keith is a moron. Also: both Renee and Bree realize this.

Back at the Scavos', Allison remarks that they're almost out of candy, but Tom says that they have extra in the kitchen. Allison's high pitched, childish voice is beginning to get on my nerves. Does that actress always speak like that or is this just special for her senile old lady bit? The doorbell rings and this time it's Gaby with the girls (who has to remind Celia to stop mooing since she's a cat. Ha!). Gaby reintroduces herself to Allison, who assumes that the princess must be Gaby's daughter. "No, my daughter's a dog. The dog! That dog!" Gaby babbles. Ugh. First of all, Gaby, you have TWO daughters there. Get a grip on reality. Second of all, how bad are Juanita's body image issues going to be by the time she hits puberty? That little girl is so pretty. Gaby really frustrates me sometimes. Even Juanita knows how bad this is, a fact that's only reinforced by Gaby taking a liberal armful of candy and dumping it into her bag.

Back inside, Allison again notes that they're almost out of candy. Unfortunately, this time Tom isn't there, and despite Penny's protestations that they have more candy "somewhere," Allison insists on heading out to the store. Penny looks concerned. Concerned enough to tell another adult? No.

Marilyn answers her door again only to find another Marilyn on the other side. It's Lee! There is absolutely no debate about who wore it better. I'll leave you to guess who.

Bree's in the living room getting refreshments when some sleazeball in a football uniform notices her. "Heeeey," he slurs drunkenly. "Thanks for cheering for me at the big game today." Bree plays along for a moment, more of a sport than I would be, but when middle aged football player continues to hit on her, she gets uncomfortable. She beckons Keith over and tells him what's going on. "Is that true? Are you bothering her?" he asks. The football player lies that they were just fooling around and walks away. Bree thanks Keith for being gallant and starts to talk about how no man has ever defended her that way before (except that Rex totally would have, and Orson definitely did. Remember when that creepy minister was going to lambaste her in front of the church and Orson told him off?). Anyway, it doesn't matter because Keith's not listening. He's too busy pursuing football man, demanding that he apologize to Bree. Keith starts to get physical, but Bree calls him off.

Upset, Keith stalks out of the house as Bree chases after him. He's ranting and raving about how angry!guy is who he is, and he's been arrested for it before. "So feel free to break up with me 'cause you know you want to," he says, and hoo boy, this martyr thing has got to be a turn on for Bree. "You can't be with a guy like me! Not the way you are with the controlled smile and your perfect house and your perfect lawn." Quickly, Bree points out that she's not as perfect as he thinks. "You wanna talk about my perfect lawn," she growls. "Nine years ago--" (WAY longer than that according to my timeline) "--my son found me face down drunk on it. That's true! He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up." Well, technically he didn't have to wake her up that way... Man, Andrew used to be such a little shit. I miss that sometimes. "Did you not know you were dating the biggest lush in Fairview?" she snaps.

With an honest little shrug (and this is really the first time I've remotely liked Keith), he says, "No, I didn't." Bree explains that they all have baggage, and she wants to know if Keith has any other skeletons in the closet. He says no, she's seen him at his worst. "Well I don't think I've seen anything I can't handle," she says. "How about you? You think you can deal with a control freak with a drinking problem." Keith doesn't answer; he just walks right up to Bree and plants a big kiss on her. I love the way it's shot. There's something really innocent about Bree in that silly Halloween costume, going up on her toes to kiss her boyfriend.

Tom, Porter and Parker are watching some gory movie on television, although I'm not sure why any of them are home. I mean, the boys are in their late teens; don't they have something better to do on Halloween? Even ignoring that, why isn't Tom at Renee's party with Lynette? Did she force him to stay home because she didn't trust his mom alone with the baby? If that's the case, it was a good call, because Penny wanders over to inform Tom that Allison walked to the store to get more candy and isn't back yet. Concerned, Tom asks the kids to listen for the baby. Parker asks if Allison is okay, and Tom says yes, but it's late for her to be out by herself. He hurries out of the house onto the insanely bustling street. Seriously, I have never seen a street so alive with the spirit of Halloween. He anxiously searches the crowd, but doesn't notice his mom sitting like a lost little girl on the curb.

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Grace and Juanita pour their booty out on the floor, and Grace is super impressed with how much she got. Gaby, who is trying to cut gum out of Celia's costume for some reason (I mean, really, just take the damn thing off of her), says that Grace deserves it all for acting like a little model in her dress. Then the little suck up runs up to Gaby to give her a piece of her candy. Grace really lays it on thick. I can't quite believe that any child on this show is truly so wholly innocent. Juanita totally agrees with me too. After giving Grace a hug and ordering the girls to go easy on the candy, Gaby leaves to give Celia a bath.

Grace begins to pull at her tiara, unable to remove it from her hair. She calls for Gaby, but Juanita evilly smirks, "Oh that's all right. We don't need her. I'll take care of it." She picks up the scissors Gaby was using. Hehehe. If only Juanita was going to cut Gaby's hair.

In the bathroom, Gaby is trying to teach Celia that cats meow. The most Celia can manage is an oink. "Boy I really hope you marry well," says Gaby. Suddenly, there's shrieking from the living room. Gaby runs downstairs to find Juanita holding a huge chunk of Grace's hair and the tiara. "She was having a problem," says Juanita. "I fixed it." HEE! I LOVE Juanita.

Lynette (dressed as a flapper, complete with a short, dark wig) and Lee walk out of Renee's party, the former reassuring the latter that he's a much prettier Marilyn than Renee. Heh. Lynette's cell phone rings, and after a brief conversation, Lynette shoves her purse and phone into Lee's hands (for some reason) and takes off down the street.

Carlos was the one calling because he found Allison. She's huddled on his porch, clearly disoriented, and Lynette cautiously approaches her. "It's me," she says reassuringly (since clearly Allison doesn't know her at first). "Lynette?" asks Allison, pulling her daughter-in-law in for a hug. "Thank God!" Lynette murmurs platitudes to her like she's soothing a little kid, and Allison explains that she got lost while she was walking. She says she made it to Claire Graham's place, but the lights were out and she didn't know what to do. Lynette tries to tell her that there is no Claire Graham on the street, but Allison defensively snipes that there is. "Let's go home," says Lynette, trying to diffuse the situation. She tries to put her arm around Allison, but she yells at her to let go.

Just then, Tom comes ambling up the street, watching the scene unfold before him. "You're doing this to me," Allison accuses Lynette. "You're making me feel crazy." Lynette says that she's not, trying to take hold of Allison's hands, and Allison completely loses it. She slaps Lynette right across the face. Somehow, Tom doesn't immediately spring into action, but it's okay since Allison realizes that she shouldn't have done that. She apologizes to Lynette, turning and spotting Tom, and asking him to confirm that she's never done anything like that before. There is the most gorgeous shot of Lynette here, looking heartbroken and frightened and worried all at once as she watches her husband realize the truth. "It's okay, Mom," says Tom. "I'm here."

Cut to a close up on Beth's pet goldfish swimming aimlessly in its bowl. Beth is on the phone with her mother, relaying the story of how Paul kicked her out. She insists that she's trying everything to make it work with Paul, but she's unhappy and wants to come home. This apparently doesn't cut it for mommy dearest. Achingly, she agrees to stick it out and make it work.

Susan and MJ walk down the street hand-in-hand when Lee approaches them. He says that Paul insisted he ask again if Susan wants to sell her house to him. Susan says of course not, but then Lee mentions that Paul said Susan's circumstances have changed and a lightbulb goes off. She dumps MJ in Lee's care and, taking MJ's club, marches across the street.

Paul stupidly answers the door without checking to see who it is. He also manages to let Susan shove him into the house so she can barge in and attack. Screaming like a crazy person, Susan swings the club like a bat, breaking Paul's belongings as she chases him around the kitchen. Just as she's about to bash his head in like a muffin (although, really, how heavy am I supposed to believe the prop club of an eight-year-old is?), Beth appears with a gun. She shouts at Susan to leave Paul alone and get out of the house. Faced with a gun, Susan doesn't have much choice; she drops the bat and leaves.

Beth asks if Paul is okay and he says yes. Then, spurned on by either the phone call or the adrenaline, she starts to make out with him. Happy Halloween, Paul!

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A few days later, Juanita stares wistfully at her mother's jewelry box when Gaby storms into the room ranting about what a mess Juanita made of Grace's hair and how Carmen was pissed. "Fortunately that sweet little girl saw I was in a jam and said it was her idea," she snaps. "Of course she did!" says Juanita. I have never seen an eight-year-old with such athletic sarcasm. "Well thank God," says Gaby. "Otherwise she wouldn't be able to come here and play anymore." Whoops.

"Who cares?" asks Juanita, turning around to glare at her mom. Gaby sputters that Grace is Juanita's friend, but Juanita aptly points out that she's only known Grace a month. "But you love spending time with her," protests Gaby. "No," says Juanita. "You do. You're always talking to her, kissing her, staring at her. You like her better than me!" Okay, seriously, I just want to hug Juanita. Thank goodness she has Carlos, that's all I have to say. Gaby says that's ridiculous, but Juanita shouts, "Then why did you give her that necklace?! You don't even let me touch your jewelry! What's so special about Grace?!" About to burst into tears, Gaby has no answer for her daughter, and Juanita marches out of the room.

The hits just keep on coming for Gaby because Carlos has overheard this whole conversation. "This is bad," he says sternly. "She knows something is up. I think we should pull back. Stay away from Grace for awhile." This situation kills me. I think Carlos has every right to stand up for their daughter, but at the same time I also see why Gaby needs to have that connection with Grace. Yes, she could be handling it a lot better, but the whole scenario is genuinely frustrating and tragic. Gaby outright tells Carlos no, she'll just be more careful. "Gaby, we have to protect our daughter," says Carlos, but Gaby says they're both their daughters. But who is going to be hurt the most by all of this? Juanita.

Susan's boobs are packing Mike's bag as he heads off for Alaska. She's sad, but Mike says that this will get them enough money to get Paul out of their lives for good. Plus if he stays, he might kill Paul.

Over at the Scavos', Lynette and Allison are sitting out on the porch when Tom walks up and announces that they're all set to go. Allison is clearly bitter because she snaps that Tom is sending her to a nursing home, but he corrects her that it's assisted living and it's actually very nice. "Just tell me this, Tommy: after I go there, when do I get to leave? When do I get to go home?" she asks bitingly. Calmly, Tom says that they have to wait to see what the doctor says. Allison calls his bluff, saying that she's seen this happen to her friends and she's never going to come back.

"Mom," says Tom, gently approaching her. "I've talked to Peter and Theresa. We all agree. You can't live by yourself anymore." Finally. Tom's siblings are identified. I love having these little pieces of the puzzle fall into place. "If something bad were to happen to you," he adds, "we would never forgive ourselves." Allison doesn't care. She lays on the guilt as only a Catholic mom can, saying that the only bad thing happening to her is Tom sending her away. "Mom, I don't know what else to do," pleads Tom.

"When you called me at that camp," says Allison, turning to face her son, "and you were scared, you kept saying, 'I wanna come home, Mom.' And I said, 'Tommy, if you mean that, I'll come get you.' That's what you do." Wow. Standing, Allison heads for the car, leaving Tom to do nothing more than hold his wife's hand and try not to cry.

"The time comes when we all must find out what we're afraid of," says Mary Alice as the camera pans over the pumpkin-littered steps of the Scavos' porch. Tom heads down the stairs toward the car to take his mom away. "Some of us fear: 'She may never forgive me.'" Cut to Gaby, looking anxiously at Juanita. "Others worry: 'She might learn the truth.'" Next is Beth, staring at Paul. "A few wonder: 'Could he send me away?'" And finally we go to Susan and MJ, who say goodbye to Mike as he leaves for Alaska with the world's tiniest suitcase. "Yes, the world is a scary place. It's even more terrifying if we have to face it alone."

Well that episode was simply superb. The drama was top notch with just enough comedy to even it out. And there were some absolutely lovely scenes in that episode as well. A+ all around.

DH recap: The Thing That Counts is What's Inside

Season Seven, Episode Four: "The Thing That Counts is What's Inside"

Mary Alice wastes no time jumping into things this week. We barely get an establishing shot of Carlos and Gaby walking in the park when she tells us that "Carlos Solis loved his wife more than anything." Cue flashbacks: first Gaby is bragging about how amazing her skin is ("Even though she was vain"), next she's complaining about having to give money to the church ("selfish"), and finally Gaby throws a tantrum, complete with foot stomp, about Carlos buying her the wrong dress ("and spoiled"). Back to the Solises walking through the park. "But in those moments when his wife was simply vulnerable, Carlos loved her just a little bit more." Well, yeah, I don't know why he wouldn't love her more in those moments; I'm sure every husband on the street feels the same way about his wife.

It turns out that the reason Gaby is so sensitive is because they're about to meet the family of their biodaughter for the first time. Gaby is worried about what to say to the other family, but Carlos tells her that it will be fine. Well, that's a far cry from the Carlos of last week. Suddenly they're interrupted by a man who comes up and introduces himself as Hector Sanchez. After pleasantries are exchanged, Hector asks where Juanita is (she's over at the swings with Celia), and then mentions that his own daughter, Grace, is with her mother. "That's her name? Grace?" asks Gaby, melting my heart. The group begins to walk across the park.

Gaby asks how Hector and his wife have been handling the situation. "We're still in shock. Since your lawyer called us, we haven't been able to sleep or eat. This whole thing is so crazy," says Hector. You're telling me, bud. Carlos also agrees. Then Hector goes on to say, "They couldn't have switched our babies. It's got to be a mistake. Maybe we should take a blood test." Carlos' eyes drift across the way to a picnic table where a little girl shouts at her mom about packing the wrong colored jacket, getting so mad that she stamps her foot. Carlos instantly says that they won't need the blood test. Backing this up, Mary Alice comes back in: "Yes, Carlos Solis loved his wife. And he knew her DNA when he saw it."

Wee little credits.

"It's called a purse," says Mary Alice as the camera backs away from a close-up on a purse. "And as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything. From a personalized cell phone to a romance novel to much needed medication. Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of: every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not." Each of these examples is, you might have guessed, backed up by a visual aid, but as they're all strangers, none of them really matter until we get to the last one: Gaby. She pulls out lipstick and starts applying it as Mrs. Sanchez glares at her. "Carlos and I feel like we shouldn't tell the girls," says Gaby, and Hector agrees that they need to protect their daughters. However, the Solises also think that since both families want to get to know their biodaughters, maybe they should get together once a month. "That sounds reasonable," says Hector, asking for his wife's opinion (her name, by the way, is apparently Carmen). She agrees with a less than convincing, "I guess."

Ignoring the obvious angry vibe Carmen is giving off, Carlos directs the group's attention to the girls; all three of them are playing ball. Hector generously says that he's sure they'll all become very good friends (which I think it more wishful thinking than anything else at this point), and they all reminisce about how much their biodaughters look like various family members. At this point, Grace runs up to the table. Now, it seems obvious to mention here that Grace is a tiny little thing while her parents are a little rounder. To me, it seems like they're trying to play up some kind of "obvious" physical difference between the families, but it really just makes Celia seem all the more out of place. Juanita and Celia look more alike than Grace and Celia do (and not just because of the weight difference). Plus what are the writers trying to say: that weight is genetic? Because again, then, explain Celia. I mean, I'm not saying that chubby parents can't have skinny kids and vice versa, but they seem to be making a distinct point here that doesn't sit right because of Celia. This whole episode plays up a kind of nature versus nurture argument here, but it all becomes moot in light of the Solises' younger daughter. Basically, Celia throws a big curve ball into the believability of this plot. Not to mention that I think a lot of Gaby's defining qualities are learned, not inherited (the selfishness, greediness, and sense of entitlement, for instance).

Anyway, Grace wants to know if she can have some money for the ice cream truck. Carmen says no, so Gaby sticks her foot in it by offering to treat Grace to the ice cream. While Hector and Carmen exchange "can you believe this woman?" looks, Grace mentions that she likes Gaby's purse, so Gaby lets her hold it. "I bet it costs a lot, right?" asks Grace, and she's chastised by her mother for bringing up money. The little cutie apologizes, but Gaby glosses over that and starts waxing poetic about the purse. "You can have one by working very hard," she tells Grace. "Or by marrying a man who works very hard." HA! Even Carlos gets a look over that comment.

After Grace runs off with the money, Carlos compliments the Sanchezes on raising such a polite little girl. "I can see that Grace couldn't have had a better mother," he says, earning a scowl from Gaby. Hector returns the compliment, and as Gaby starts to babble on about how great of a mom she is, Juanita storms up and starts screaming for Gaby's attention. Now, again, a learned behavior. I don't know, this whole thing just seems rather wishy washy to me. Although maybe it would be in real life too, who knows.

Juanita wants money for ice cream. "What is the magic word?" snaps Gaby. Juanita: "I don't know? Hurry?" HA! God, I love Juanita. Under her breath, Gaby mutters that the magic word is please while she digs for her money. "Fine. Please," says Juanita, complete with an eye roll. Gaby slaps the money into her hand, and Juanita complains about needing more than one scoop. When all she earns is a glare in response, she stalks off with a loud sigh. "I'm sorry, what was I saying?" asks Gaby, turning her attention back to the Sanchezes. "You were talking about what a good mother you are," says Carmen smugly. Gaby's smile becomes a little more forced.

As you might recall, this week's theme is purses, so we transition to a shot of Susan's sitting on the kitchen counter. She reaches inside for a book of matches (which seems like a really odd thing for her to keep in her purse), and then she and Mike light the papers for his car loan on fire. Yes, dumb and dumber have somehow already paid off that debt. "If we keep this up we could reach flat broke in time for Christmas," jokes Susan lamely. I shouldn't complain; at least she has clothes on in this scene. They're interrupted by a knock at the door; it's Maxine.

Susan calls that the door is open, and Maxine comes in and starts to flirt with Mike ("If I was fifteen years younger, I'd ride you like a hobo rides a boxcar."). Mike laughingly thanks her, but says she still has to fix the air conditioner. Then he goes to take a shower. They really haven't given James Denton much to do yet this season, have they?

"I need to talk some business with you," says Maxine as soon as Mike is out of the room. Susan starts to talk about her plans for her next show, but Maxine throws her for a loop by telling her that she should quit. THANK GOD! "The website's going through some changes," says Maxine, explaining that she brought in some partners who are investing a lot of cash and want a huge US presence. Susan freaks out, saying that Maxine promised no one would ever see her (apparently Susan doesn't know how the internet works), and that she still needs the money. "Honey, I'm sorry," says Maxine. She tells Susan she has a couple of weeks to a month before all of this happens, and Susan agrees to work up until the end. "I'm gonna miss you, honey," says Maxine as she heads out the door. "No one will ever wear the rubber gloves and fishnets like you do."

Lynette's purse is flung on the kitchen table over the wailing cries of baby Paige (and oh my gosh, is that little stinker cute!! I love babies!). "Okay, we get it. You're unhappy. We got it in every aisle at the market, we got it four times during the night, and we get it now," Lynette whines, but just as Penny prompts Lynette to put the groceries away, Paige shuts up. Lynette shushes the older child, and her voice drops to a whisper as she tells Penny just to let the ice cream melt. With perfect timing, the phone begins to ring and Lynette runs across the room to grab it. It's the grocery store, calling to tell her that she left her license there. After she hangs up, Lynette complains to Penny that she's going to have to drag Paige back to the store and the crying will start all over again. "If I didn't look so good in that photo, I'd get a new one," she jokes. Hahaha. Penny says that Lynette should leave the baby with her, but Lynette isn't so sure. "Mom, you leave her with the boys. And they don't change her diaper until it weighs as much as she does." Hehehe.

Cut to a little while later. Lynette runs into the house, and it's clear she's been on edge from the moment she left. Everything is fine, though. Penny and the baby are on the floor, and Paige is still asleep. The baby is SO cute. I can't get over it. Penny reports that the baby woke up for a little while, but after Penny changed her diaper, she fell back to sleep. "Aw, you changed her diaper. Where'd you learn how to do that?" asks Lynette, crouching down to check on the baby. Penny reminds Lynette that she's seen her do it a hundred times. Lynette looks at Penny, clearly proud and impressed, and says, "You're so good with her." Then inspiration strikes. She asks Penny if she minds watching Paige for a little longer while she takes a shower; Penny generously ups the offer by telling Lynette to take a bath. New Penny is a suck up. "Whoever raised you did a brilliant job," says Lynette, blowing her daughter a kiss and running for the stairs. Hehe.

Whackadoodle Beth pulls an empty bottle of aspirin out of her purse, complaining about how there's none left. "Do you have a headache?" asks Paul. Nope; she has a back ache. Paul quickly points out that her back wouldn't hurt so much if she wasn't sleeping on the couch, but Beth nips this theory in the bud but quick.

Suddenly, Lee bursts in and announces that Paul is the proud new owner of his old house. HA! I love Lee. Beth stands up with a scandalized, "You bought your old house?!" and Paul calmly tells Lee they'll talk later. "Okay," says Lee, confused. "Well, here are your keys, your complimentary endangered species calendar, and a kitchen magnet with my face on it. Yes, I know I look cross-eyed, but they assured me they will correct that on the next batch. Enjoy!" And Lee awkwardly backs out of the house. Where can I buy a Lee magnet? Because I will totally splurge on one.

"Why would you buy that house? Our lease won't be up for a year," demands Beth. Paul says that it seems like a good investment, but Beth wants to know specifically why that house. Mr. Young doesn't want to discuss it, especially with a woman who thinks of herself as his wife during the day, but a house guest at night. Ooh snap! That's one point for Paul.

Bree's purse is beige. Is anyone surprised by that? It's still cute, though. She has it on her wrist as she locks up the house and steps toward Keith, who is painting her shutters. Bree wants to know what his plans for their date on Friday are. Keith says he can't tell her yet, but he's working on something he's pretty stoked about. "Well that sounds lovely," says Bree. "I too am stoked." HAHA! Dragging Bree out of her comfort zone is a fun time for everyone. She rubs some paint off of his cheek, and the camera pulls back to across the street, where Renee watches them from Lynette's porch.

"What are you doing?" asks Lynette, coming outside and towel drying her hair. Nice nod to continuity there, show. She accuses Renee of spying on Bree again (does Renee just stand on her porch all day to do this? Weird), and Renee doesn't deny it, simply saying that she doesn't understand why Keith would go for someone as old as Bree. Lynette says they're the same age (which I find a little odd, because for some reason I was under the impression that Bree was the oldest of the group by a couple of years, although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure why I thought that. Maybe because her kids are so much older? Does it matter? No.). Anyway, Renee tries and fails to argue that she's thirty, and Lynette adds that Bree has always looked young. "When she used to go out with her grandkid, people would think he was her son." Well that's a generous explanation. I'm sure the fact that Bree faked the pregnancy and told everyone that he was her son also helped. Even without this extra information, Renee is intrigued.

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Penny is doing her homework when Lynette announces that she's running over to Gaby's for a minute to say hi to the girls. She's not going to stay for poker since the baby threw up on Gaby's couch last week and is no longer welcome. Hehe. "Why don't you just leave her with me?" asks Penny. Lynette isn't so sure, as this would be for a couple of hours, but Penny points out that she'll be "right next door." Well, down the street, but way to drive home your point, kiddo. "Oh don't toy with me," says Lynette, obviously considering the offer. "I'm operating on two hours of sleep. I'm vulnerable." Penny rolls her eyes and tells her to go, even offering that she loves spending time with her little sis. "Oh, Penny Lyn Scavo," says Lynette, handing over the baby and dropping her bag (Lynette, you forgot your theme!), "you are officially my favorite." As she heads out the door, she tells Penny that they're going to leave everything to her in the will. "Keep in mind we're poor, so it's really more of a symbolic gesture."

Over at poker, Gaby has decided to tell the girls about the baby switch because they're her dearest and oldest friends (by the way, Susan is not there; Renee is, though Gaby is quick to mention that she's not a friend, she just doesn't want to be rude and kick her out). She holds out a picture of Grace and tells everyone that this is her daughter. Confused looks abound.

Cut to later; Gaby has explained everything and Bree and Lynette are stunned. Neither of them can imagine going through what Gaby is. Gaby says that it was awful at first, but since they've met Grace, things have been better. "Thank God the parents are lovely," she adds. Lynette asks who else knows, and Gaby says not many people, so she asks them to keep it on the DL. Good thing she didn't tell Susan. Ah, I'm kidding. Susan did manage to keep Lynette's pregnancy a secret for the better part of last year, after all. Bree and Lynette agree, and then all three girls turn to stare at Renee. "Oh, don't worry about me," she says. "Up until today, I thought you were Juanita." Ha.

Bree asks Gaby to tell them what it was like to see Grace. Gaby starts off sweetly enough, saying that she immediately felt a pull toward Grace (Bree: "Well of course, you carried her for nine months"), and then this amazing thing happened: Grace touched her purse and knew it was expensive. "Now that is a Hallmark moment," snarks Lynette. "You don't understand," says Gaby. "When I was a kid, I used to sneak Vogues out of my aunt's hair salon and make my own high fashion paper dolls. I know what it's like to be that kid with her face pressed against the department store window. Grace is me at her age. So I decided to do something for her." This whole time, Bree and Lynette have been staring at Gaby with these sweet, compassionate looks on their faces. But when Gaby whips out a little Chanel bag, those looks change to astonishment. Renee, on the other hand, cries, "You are the best mother ever!" Hahaha. Awesome.

Beth is in her closet, picking out a shirt when she turns and notices that the lights are on over at the old Young place. So she heads across the street to investigate. Inside, Paul stands in the living room, tears in his eyes, and doesn't turn around when Beth comes inside. "I just want to understand, that's all," says Beth. "Are we going to move here?" Paul says no. "Then why would you buy this house?" she asks desperately. "It must be filled with so many unpleasant memories."

"I don't see any unpleasant memories," says Paul, which sure is a change from the first two seasons, when he was desperate to sell the place and get the hell out of Dodge. Sorry, I'm interrupting the nostalgia: "I see the couch where my wife and I would sit and have our morning coffee. I see the Christmas tree in the corner by the fireplace. I see the chair where I would sit and read stories to my son. I was loved in this house. I had a real marriage here." He turns to face Beth with a pointed look. Sadly, she tries to explain how hard this is for her, and how Paul keeping secrets from her doesn't help. Slowly, Paul crosses the room and takes her hand. "You're right," he agrees. "There should be no secrets between us. Secrets are why this house is empty right now." Wow. Really sad scene. I've always felt really bad for Paul. I mean, I think it's been obvious from the start how much he loved Mary Alice. That's why he killed Martha, after all. I wonder if we'll ever get to see him reunite with Zach.

Next door, Bree opens her door to find Keith on the other side. He's super excited to announce that he has tickets to see the Black Eyed Peas. "Wow. That's just...Wow," says Bree. Hehehe. Keith is surprised by how underwhelmed she is, but Bree lies that she lives to rock. The doorbell rings. "You know, I'm not as old as you might think." She answers the door to find Danielle and Benjamin on the other side, the latter of whom immediately yells, "Grandma!" and wraps Bree in a big hug. Aw. "Surprise!" shouts Danielle, giving Bree an oddly warm hug. Bree asks what they're doing there, and Danielle explains that they're there for the weekend. Suddenly she notices Keith, and awkward introductions are made.

Benjamin, the only one not picking up on the tension, presents Bree with a present: slippers for her poor circulation. Hehehe. He also calls her "grandma" about ten times, prompting Bree to snap, "Please stop calling me that, you...precious child." Keith says that Bree should spend the night with her family since they came all that way. In an oddly polite move, Danielle says they should go if they had plans, but Keith says there's nothing more important than family. Yeah, especially seeing the grandson who was ripped from your home and you rarely see, right Bree? Blessedly, Keith leaves.

"I guess I heard wrong," says Danielle. "You seem to be bouncing back just fine." Bree, understandably, is confused because all normal people recover from their divorces in .5 seconds, so Danielle clarifies: "When your friend called, she said you were having a hard time since Orson left." Bree realizes the friend was Renee, which Danielle confirms, happily mentioning that Renee sent them first class tickets. "I wish I had a friend like that," she chirps. "Oh trust me," says Bree, "you don't." Let's all thank Joy Lauren for hauling her butt in for this ONE SCENE. I was so disappointed. I love Danielle and she is so underused.

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Oh darn. Here's Susan. But, once again, she actually has clothes on, so I really shouldn't complain. In fact, she's driving down the street when she notices a billboard going up for the website and grabs her cell phone to call Maxine. She's just bitching about the fact that this is going public faster than she thought, when suddenly she screams, "Oh my God!" and we cut back to the billboard just in time to see them hauling a picture of Susan's face up to complete the picture. She drives over, honking, and then jumps out of the car, screaming that they can't put up that picture. The worker couldn't care less. Desperate, Susan rushes over and actually jumps up, grabbing the paper. She's slowly lifted from the ground, but when the picture inevitably rips and she drops back to earth, it's unfortunately not a far enough drop to hurt her.

Back on the Lane, Karen is out on her porch drinking a beer when Paul walks up. "What do you want?" she barks. Paul wants to know if she'd be interested in selling her house. AH HA! I knew his evil plan had something to do with real estate acquisitions! Maybe he'll blow up the whole street like the folks on Little House on the Prairie did to Walnut Grove. Anyway, Karen's answer is no, but Paul continues to wax poetic about how she should sell the house to someone who will care for it. You know, before she has a stroke and has to sell it to people who will take advantage of a sick old lady. Isn't Karen married? What happened to Roy? Not that she needs a man to stick up for her because she orders Paul off the porch with no problem. "Alright, didn't mean to upset you," says Paul. "My offer still stands. As I said, it all comes from my great love for this beautiful neighborhood." Hehehe.

Apparently it's no boys allowed week at the Scavos', because Penny, Lynette and Paige are still alone together in that house. Paige is crying again, and this time Lynette doesn't hesitate to dump her off on Penny so she can take a jog. "Mom, I've got a test today. I cannot be late for the bus," says Penny, bouncing the baby. Lynette says that she understands and she'll be back in twenty.

Cut to Lynette running down the street only to be accosted by Bree who, my sister pointed out, looks hot in her jeans. Yes, that's right: Bree is wearing jeans. Record this moment. She needs to talk to Lynette, though she's surprised to see that Lynette is out again without the baby. "Penny is watching her," pants Lynette. "It is the most amazing thing. Only when you've spawned as much as I have do you learn the glorious truth: the older ones can watch the younger ones. Babies having babies: bad. Babies raising babies: genius!" Bree, deadpan: "I'm happy for you." HA! Brilliant delivery there. Lynette points out that she doesn't look happy, and Bree says that's why they need to talk. She takes Lynette by the elbow and drags her toward her house.

Inside, Bree has just finished telling Lynette about Renee's evil plot. Lynette isn't surprised; she says it's vintage Renee. Bree adds that they're going out to dinner too (apparently Keith called and asked for permission), so Lynette tells her that she needs to fight back. Of course, Bree already knows this; she called Lynette over for advice. "Oh, she once slept with a rodeo clown," says Lynette. "But he's a senator now. Oh, she's got this really weird bellybutton, but by the time he finds that out they're already getting it on. Uh, she used to freak out whenever The Wizard of Oz was on TV. I think it was the munchkins. There's something about little people that gives her the heebie jeebies." Hehehe. Suddenly, Lynette notices the time, and she flies out of the house, apologizing for not being able to help. Bree takes a devious bite of a cookie.

Back home, Lynette finds a note from Penny saying that she went to school, so she rushes upstairs, but finds the baby's crib empty. Oh, and let me add now that the crib is in her bedroom. Just an FYI. Panicked, she wonders where Paige is. Cut to the school bus, where Penny is holding the baby while on her way to school. All of the other kids are gaping at the baby. "Stop breathing on my sister!" she snaps. Awesome. Also, no school uniform? Did they switch her to public school this season? And where was Parker during all of this? He's still in high school. And Tom? Is he suddenly making up for all of those erratic work hours? For a house so full of people, no one ever seems to be around.

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Lynette bursts into the school and tells the secretary that she's looking for her daughter, Penny Scavo. The secretary directs her to the principal's office, and during the walk there, Lynette gets glares from all of the staff as well as a young boy waiting for the principal. Well this won't end well. Lynette doesn't handle judgment of her parenting skills with any kind of grace.

A few minutes later, Lynette holds Paige while the principal lectures her about leaving the baby in Penny's care. Oh how I wish that Penny was still in private school and that this was the same principal that Lynette tricked into taking on her twins so many years ago. This would be a great time for a callback to that, and I can only imagine the hilarity that would result from that poor man realizing he'd have to take on another Scavo in five years. Remember when Parker was attacking his teacher with an umbrella? Good times. But we're stuck with stuffy Principal Harris.

Lynette tries to ease the tension with a joke, but the principal isn't having it. "Come on. Give me a break," implores Lynette. "I am raising five kids. You have no idea how hard that is." Principal Harris turns around a picture of herself and her eight kids for Lynette's viewing pleasure. Then she goes on to say that Penny is helping Lynette out more than she realizes. "Do you know Penny takes the baby monitor to bed with her so she can get up for the feedings?" Lynette is astonished, as am I. Does this show really expect me to believe that Penny hears the baby crying through a monitor and attends to her before Lynette and Tom wakes up in their OWN BEDROOM to deal with the kid? Sorry, show, I don't buy it. Especially when you just established at the beginning of the episode that Lynette was exhausted from being up all night with the baby. Sheesh.

Anyway, Principal Harris goes on to mention that Penny is exhausted; she even fell asleep during social studies yesterday. "I had no idea," says Lynette wearily. "Oh my gosh. Yes, I will talk to Penny when she gets home. And I will fix this." The principal condescendingly says that would be nice, and Lynette goes off. "Okay," she says in that annoyed tone of hers. "You know what? Enough with the judgmental tone. Come on, who among us is a perfect mother?" Principal Sourpuss turns around a World's Best Mother mug. Well, if I've learned anything from Michael Scott it's that it's not hard to buy one of those for yourself. Still, Lynette looks abashed. She must really be exhausted.

Gaby knocks on the door of the Sanchez home, but Carmen isn't thrilled to see her, reminding Gaby that they said they would call first if they wanted to see the kids. Gaby lies that she was in the neighborhood and asks if Grace is home. Gee, Gaby, you think she might be in school? Like your kids are. Carmen says that Grace isn't there, so Gaby asks if Carmen could give her the purse. "Thank you," says Carmen shortly, "but Grace already has a purse." Gaby wants to know if it's Chanel. Oh Gaby, shut up. Carmen says it's a two dollar purse from a flea market, but Grace is very happy with it. Raise your hand if you're surprised that Gaby thinks Grace will like hers better. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Carmen launches into a rant about how she would like to buy her kids nice things, but that their family isn't like the Solises. "We can't afford luxuries. We can barely afford the necessities." Not getting the point, Gaby offers to help out if they need it, but Carmen tells her that all that they need is for Gaby to let them be who they are. Then she tells Gaby to call next time and slams the door in her face. Ouch. This is hard to watch. I mean, I do get where Gaby is coming from. She grew up poor and for her it's the worst thing in the world; it must kill her to see her daughter in that environment (although, really, this house is pretty nice; just not as grand as the Solis home). That doesn't give her the right to intrude, though.

Oh God. Susan is hyperventilating. "You said I had a month," she wheezes at Maxine, who reminds her that she said it was happening ASAP. Susan wants to know how many billboards there are, and Maxine tells her probably a lot. Ha. Still panicking, Susan demands that Maxine call them and get them to take the billboard down, or at least put another girl on them. I wonder what the law says about this. I mean, does that company really own Susan's image? Did she sign a contract or something? Maxine says there's nothing she can do, but Susan completely loses it, actually sinking down to the floor as she sobs that Mike will recognize her panties. "He gave them to me on our anniversary," she whimpers. Jesus, Susan, for once in your life, pull it together. You're a mess. It seems to work on Maxine, though; she offers to make a call.

Back at the Scavos', Penny arrives home from school to find Lynette waiting for her. She looks guilty, obviously thinking she's in trouble, and she apologizes for taking the baby to school. That line made me laugh really hard even though it wasn't supposed to be funny. It just sounds so absurd. "Hey sweetie," calls Lynette as Penny starts up the stairs. "You didn't do anything wrong. I did." Lynette sits down on the stairs and Penny joins her and here, finally looking at the two of them side by side, I have to say that Darcy Rose Byrnes looks less like Felicity Huffman than Kendall Applegate did. I really wish they'd given some kind of explanation for this casting switch. I was hoping they were going to age Penny a couple of years, but they've been insisting all through this episode that she's still eleven, so I guess not. And I'm not finding Byrnes to be a better actress than Applegate, so I wonder why they switched her out. Mysteries, mysteries.

Lynette tells Penny that she knows about the baby monitor snatching that makes no sense. Penny says that she's been doing it so Lynette can sleep, and Lynette heaves a big sigh. "I appreciate that," she says. "And I appreciate how often you have been looking after your little sister." "Well I know how you like to go see your friends and go jogging and stuff," says Penny as Lynette fights back tears. This scene, much like the one with Paul, unexpectedly killed me this week. There's just something so heartbreaking here about Lynette realizing she's going to have to give up what she loves for the good of her kids. Anyway, Penny continues, "And you're different when you get to do those things. You laugh more, you're not as cranky, you stay up late and play board games with us. I like that Mommy better." Lynette pulls Penny toward her, cuddling her a little, and agrees. "But it's not your job to take care of me," she says, and at this point, Tom appears in the doorway, watching but not interrupting. "Your job is to watch television and eat way too much candy. And my job is to make sure that's all your job is." She kisses Penny's forehead, and Penny scampers upstairs.

Tom walks up behind Lynette, laying his hands on her hips, kissing her neck, and telling her how sweet she is. "Get me a nanny," says Lynette calmly. "I am drowning here. You heard what Penny said; I'm not myself anymore. And when I'm not taking it out on the kids, I'm taking advantage of them. So I need help." Tom looks quite taken aback by this declaration, so he offers to help her. Lynette smiles at him gratefully, but tells him that he'll never back it up. "Get me a nanny," she demands. My sister argued here that Lynette raised the first four on her own (not even mentioning that she was REALLY on her own since Tom was traveling all the time), so why would she suddenly need a nanny just for one baby? My answer: this is all a giant set up for the arrival of Tom's mother. And as much as I'm looking forward to that, I have to agree that this is a little contrived. But that's mostly because the last time they played up Lynette needing a nanny, it was much more overwhelming. This seems tame in comparison.

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"You bought an eight-year-old girl a fourteen hundred dollar purse?" demands Carlos as he and Gaby get ready for bed. Has she ever bought Juanita or Celia anything like that, is what I want to know. Gaby tries to justify the purchase, even going so far to say that Carmen reacted irrationally: "Because God forbid that woman let her daughter have nice things." Carlos: "That woman is her mother! And I'm with her on this. You have no right to give Grace expensive things." Gaby says that she does because their life is the one Grace was supposed to have. Does that mean they should stop showering Juanita with the benefits of riches? Besides, Grace would have been poor the first five years of her life anyway. Remember, Gaby?

"This is why I didn't want us to look for her," growls Carlos. "Because we had no idea what would happen once we found her. But you looked, and we met her, and now we're falling in love with this girl. And if you spook these people, they can take her away from us. Forever." Man, Carlos is winning arguments left and right these days, isn't he?

The next morning, Beth is outside fetching the morning paper when Karen walks by. Despite Beth's cheerful greeting, Karen is all vinegar in return. She goes on a rant about how she just had a physical and she'll be around for years. "So you can tell that vulture husband of yours that he'll have to pick at someone else's carcass." Understandably, Beth has no clue what's going on, but Karen gladly informs her.

Later, inside the house, Beth is going to town on some peppers when Paul comes into the kitchen. She casually questions him, asking if he talked to anyone or if anything interesting happened. Paul: "Who would talk to me?" Beth scowls at the lies (although technically that whole scene with Paul and Karen happened the day before. But let's be honest here, the DH Time Gods are never on the side of continuity). Beth knifes the shit out of those peppers. Grrr. You take out your rage, girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Renee is out on her dinner date with Keith. She's trying to ply him with sea urchin, but Keith just keeps making dorky, stupid jokes that Renee pretends are funny. Suddenly a shadow runs by; Renee is bothered, but continues on with her flirting. Keith continues to be a low class fool. Another shadow runs by. "Okay, did you see that?" asks Renee, close to freaking out. She sees a child and screams. By now, even Keith has noticed that something is up. Slowly, Renee begins to explain that she had a traumatic experience at the circus as a child, but before she can finish the story, a little person comes over and asks if he knows her. Renee shrieks, jumps up, and literally tries climbing the walls to get away. "Is he there with his tiny hands?! I can't look at his tiny hands!!!!" She throws a coat on the man, which Keith promptly removes, apologizing. He shouldn't; this is the funniest scene since Bree's lap dance last year. The little person leaves, and Renee climbs down.

In a private room, the little person approaches Bree and tells her that she should have seen Renee's face. Bree heard the screaming, though, and that was enough for her. She thanks him, and he says he'll see her in church. Amazing.

From the hilarious to the somber, we join Susan as she bitches to Maxine about having to pay $9000 in order for them to take down the billboards. Apparently the "partners" agreed to take them down as long as Susan footed the bill. Susan is, of course, upset. If she gives up that money, she and Mike will be back to square one. So, wait? Nine thousand bucks and she and Mike are already climbing out of the hole? How bad could it have been then? That's chump change compared to my student loans. Whatever. Maxine points out that Susan will also have to explain where the money went. I don't trust Maxine. I think she has ulterior motives to keep Susan trapped in indentured servitude until all of our eyeballs fall out.

Susan says that maybe she should just let them put up the billboards and be done with it, but Maxine says there's another way. "You could earn that money back, and fast too." She tells Susan that Va-Va-Va-Broom offers other services too, and that if Susan is willing to go the extra mile, she could earn a lot of cash quickly. Apparently these other services are private, one-on-one interactions of a racier nature. We don't get the details, but Susan is obviously considering it. Ew.

In a creepily lit alley, we see a mysterious man's feet approach a dumpster. He finds the crumpled poster of Susan's face, picks it up, and leaves with it. Great. Susan has a stalker. Just what this plot needed.

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The next day, Renee comes over to yell at Bree about exploiting her terror of little people. Hehehe. She threatens to tell Keith what Bree did, but Bree tells her that she'll tell on her too. Neener neener. Seriously, ladies, this guy is not that hot or interesting. You could both do better. Keith arrives, and Renee wants to ask him directly which of them he wants. A direct question? With no passive aggressive bullshit? I may die of a stroke. As Renee begins to ask, though, Bree circumvents the question by asking Keith about paint colors instead. Then she sends him off to fetch the paint.

"What's the matter, Bree? Afraid you'll lose?" asks Renee once Keith is gone. Defeated, Bree tells Renee that she can have Keith. "I don't get his references, I can't stay up late like he does...I'm being silly." Yes, yes you are. And you can do better, sweetie. Seriously, he is the most uninteresting man you've ever been with. Renee tells Bree that they both have the guts to go after what they want. She asks Bree if Keith will make her happy, and when Bree says yes, Renee sexes up her outfit a little and sends her out after Keith. Well that rivalry didn't last long.

Over at the Solises', Hector and Carlos are out on the porch drinking beers. "You know I think it's great that out of this unfortunate situation, we could all end up being friends," says Carlos; Hector agrees. Ah, male bonding. So simple. So naive. They're interrupted by Celia and Grace, who chase each other into the house. We follow them into the kitchen, where Carmen is teaching Juanita how to cook while Gaby watches. Grace comes up to Gaby to tell her how much she loves the house, so Gaby offers her a tour.

Up in the bedroom, Grace is astounded by all the cool stuff Gaby has, including a jewelry box. Gaby opens it to show Grace her jewelry, and when Grace picks up a necklace, Gaby offers it to her. "You deserve beautiful things," she says. Grace thinks her mom might get mad, but Gaby tells her they'll keep it a secret. Yeah, sure. Suddenly, Grace spots Gaby's purse and tells her she wants one like that someday and, yep, you guessed it, we're back to our theme.

"It's called a purse, and, as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything," says Mary Alice. Cut back to Lynette's bag, from which Penny pulls a baby bottle and hands it to her mother. "From a bottle for a baby..." Next we go to Susan, pulling out a check to give to Maxine. "...to a check for protection..." Bree pulls a present from her purse and hands it to Renee. "...to a gift for a new friend." Finally, we end with little Grace's purse, as she puts her new necklace inside. "Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of: every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not."

Well I liked that one a lot. Yes, there were a few glitches in the basic logic of most of these plotlines, but this episode was light and funny and didn't feature Susan in her underwear even once! That, Michael Scott would say, is a win-win-win! Overall: A-.