DH recap: Excited and Scared

Season Seven, Episode Six: "Excited and Scared"

"Paul Young was a frustrated man," says Mary Alice as Paul anxiously rubs his hand over the arm of his chair. He and Beth are sitting in a rather nondescript office. "He'd been living with his wife for over two months, but she still refused to sleep with him." Cue flashbacks: Paul has tried expensive jewelry, wine, and porn to get Beth in the mood with always the same result--she slams her bedroom door in his face. Man, that's really all the dirt you're going to give us, Mary Alice? With Paul being her husband and all, you'd think she could add some more colorful commentary to this. Which really brings up a good point: do the Mary Alice voiceovers really serve any purpose anymore? I feel as though they seem like just a requirement at this point, something tacked on quickly to each episode simply because it's always been part of the show. It's not like I want them to cut Mary Alice from the show, but I do wish they'd make her little speeches more meaningful.

Anyway, back in the office, Mary Alice finishes up: "So Paul decided to get help from someone sure to sympathize with his situation: another man." A therapist comes into the room and introduces himself as Dr. Gable.

A little while later, Beth has obviously explained to the therapist how she and Paul met and got married; Dr. Gable is curious as to why it never occurred to Beth that Paul might be released someday. "You were content to marry a man you could never truly be with?" he inquires politely. Beth says that she just wanted someone to care about her; she was never actually interested in sex. Too bad, Paul. "Do you not like sex?" asks Dr. Gable as Paul eagerly awaits the answer. Turns out that Beth is a virgin (surprise, surprise). Paul is completely shocked by this. "You're thirty years old!" he exclaims, outraged. Hey, I'm outraged too; not so much by the fact that she's a virgin but by the fact that she's married to a guy who has to be in his fifties by now. I'm not digging the twenty year age difference. Beth explains that she was saving herself for marriage. "Good news!" snaps Paul. "You are married! Time to take the lid off the cookie jar!" Beth: "Stop calling it that!" So he's used this euphemism more than once? Interesting.

Dr. Gable interrupts the fight to bring some logic to the situation. He thinks that Paul and Beth should date. If Paul takes Beth out and they get to know one another, then Beth will eventually be able to develop normal romantic feelings for him and thus boink his brains out. Beth digs this plan, so Paul reluctantly agrees.

"Yes," says Mary Alice as the Youngs leave the office. "Paul Young was frustrated. But even frustrated men..." She trails off, giving Paul time to say that Beth will be treating him on their dinner dates until she puts out (classy). "...have their pride."

Wee little credits.

It's Halloween on the Lane, as evidenced by the absolutely huge "Happy Halloween" banner that overlooks Wisteria Lane. Not to mention all of the decorations. Oh, yeah, and Mary Alice might mention it too. "It was that time of year when people find out what they're afraid of," she explains. "For some, it's the monster in the bushes." Parker jumps out wearing a mask and scares Porter (who gives him the weakest shove ever. Seriously, they're brothers. I do not buy this lame ass pushing). "For others, it's the spider in their hair." Lee is hanging a sign when Penny dangles a fake spider in his face and he screams. Why am I not at all surprised that these shenanigans all result from the Scavo kids? "For a few, it's the vampire in the driveway." Celia and an anonymous friend walk down the street, and Carlos jumps out wearing vampire teeth to scare them. "Yes, Halloween had once again come to Wisteria Lane." Renee walks to Lynette's house, ignoring Parker's repetitive scare tactics. "And the only thing that frightened one woman was that she might not be the center of attention."

Inside the Scavos', Renee announces that she's having a Halloween party and that all of the girls have to come (in this case, Gaby, Lynette and Bree). Apparently, this is an annual tradition for Renee, albeit one that will be much lamer now that she lives in the suburbs. Gaby says that Grace is sleeping over that night, but once they're done trick or treating they can stop by. Renee promptly announces that there won't be any children welcome. "They always get underfoot, they eat all the candy, and you can't swear in front of the little bastards." Heh. Bree says she'll come if she can bring Keith, and Renee says she guesses one child will be okay.

Just then, Allison comes into the room and asks if Lynette bought her the hand cream she asked for. Lynette says that she didn't remember her asking, but she can pick it up after her company leaves. "Oh alright," says Allison. "It's just that my hands are so dry that they're starting to crack and bleed." Nice. Apparently the guilt works; Lynette agrees to go to the store right then, as long as Allison makes sure to wake up the baby at three. Allison agrees, and then notices one of the invitations Renee handed out. "Oh!" she cries. "A party." Renee snatches the invitation away with a simple, but hilarious, "No."

Over at the home of the sad and pathetic, Susan is explaining her side business to Mike, who sits and scowls at the computer screen. "Oh look, Mike, I know that you must be angry," says Susan, wringing her hands. "If you wanna yell, yell. Let me have it! Say something, please." Instead of yelling, Mike just says, "I should have taken that job in Alaska." Yeah, buddy. You should have. I mean, really, Mike has served absolutely no purpose in the season yet anyway. For all the screen time he's had, he might as well have been off in Alaska, saving us all from seeing Susan do porn. Susan, you might guess, doesn't agree with me.

"I thought I could make some easy money and no one would know," she whimpers. "I'm sorry!" Astutely, Mike asks why Susan would even tell him this. She reluctantly admits that Paul saw her (Mike: "Oh God!") and is now blackmailing her. Susan thinks that it shouldn't matter--since she told Mike now Paul has no leverage. Mike, however, is still stuck on the fact that Paul threatened her at all, and he goes to pick up a hammer to bash Paul's head in with. "No, no, no!" yelps Susan. "Don't be angry! This was good! I'm not lying to you now!" Nice spin, Susan. Mike doesn't care; he heads for the door, so Susan leaps on his back like a spider monkey to deter him. She says she has an idea for how to deal with Paul. Mike: "I'm listening." Now see, right then would have been a good time to point out that Susan's ideas rarely lead anywhere good. Why is Mike always so stupid?

Grace and Juanita are in Grace's bedroom and the former is talking about how excited she is to go trick or treating with Juanita. She picks up a pumpkin shaped basket that she's going to use to collect candy, and Juanita quickly says that won't cut it. There's too much loot to be found on Wisteria Lane. In a somewhat awkward transition, Juanita opens Grace's pencil case and finds the necklace that Gaby gave Grace inside. "Where'd you get this?" she asks suspiciously. Grace's eyes widen as she nervously asks, "Why?" and Juanita explains that it's her mom's. Snatching the necklace away and stuffing it into a desk drawer, Grace says that it was a present from her aunt. Wow, lying on the spot. She really is Gaby's kid. Juanita pretends to believe this, but when Carmen beckons the girls downstairs and Grace runs from the room, Juanita takes a second to steal the necklace back.

A minute later, she climbs into Gaby's car with a self-satisfied smirk on her face. "I found out something about Grace today," she tells Gaby proudly. And it almost breaks my heart because it's like Juanita knows that this sort of gossip should be the sort of thing to actually please her mom. Seriously, Juanita and Gaby's relationship is just tragic. "She's a thief," Juanita says, unveiling the necklace. Gaby, of course, is distraught, demanding to know what Juanita is doing with it. "She stole your necklace, so I stole it back," declares Juanita as Gaby snatches the necklace away. Impressively, she manages not to completely freak out, simply explaining that she gave the necklace to Grace because she felt sorry for her and her poor family. "Aunt Rosie's poor and you always hide your jewelry box when she comes over," points out Juanita. I love her; she's like the smartest kid on this show. Gaby explains that the situation is completely different since Aunt Rosie is a kleptomaniac, so Juanita asks if she wants her to give the necklace back. Gaby says that she'll take care of it, and they drive off.

Back at the Scavos', Lynette arrives home and gives Allison her hand cream. "So how did it go with the baby?" she asks, flopping down on the couch and glancing around the room. "And on a related note, where is the baby?" Allison says that Paige is still upstairs in the crib, and Lynette goes from relieved to upset in about two seconds flat. Turns out that it's after three, and Allison didn't wake the baby like she said she would. "Bless her heart, I had time to mend all of Rodney's old sweaters," explains Allison cheerfully. Lynette distractedly corrects her that they're Tom's sweaters, more concerned that Allison didn't keep her promise. Allison: "Oh that's ridiculous. I would never agree to wake a sleeping baby."

Annoyed, Lynette gets up to go get Paige, complaining that she'll be up all night now that she's napped for four hours. Suddenly, Allison jumps up and cries out, "You stop yelling at me!" Lynette says she's not yelling (she really isn't), but Allison continues to whimper that Lynette is unfairly blaming her. "You're a liar!" she shouts, and she storms out of the room, leaving Lynette to stare after her worriedly.

Next door, Susan arrives at her old house with a basket of muffins. Now, they look like delicious chocolate chip muffins, but we find out that they're actually raisin muffins, which prompts me to ask: raisin muffins? Does such a thing really exist? And are they actually any good? Because, honestly, a muffin sounds like heaven right now.

Regardless, Paul is surprise to see both Susan and her muffins. Susan lies that the muffins are a peace offering. "Paul, we need to move past the past," she explains, brushing past him into the house. "You have been a really good tenant, and I appreciate that. You never complain, you're never late with the rent check. In fact, you're usually early. Who does that? I'm just so lucky that...Oh dear." Susan stops short to point out that Paul has used a thumb tack to hang up a calendar. "Well I tried willing the calendar to stay up, but it just wouldn't cooperate," says Paul. Ha! That's the first joke I ever remember him cracking. Calmly, Susan says that altering the house in any way violates their lease agreement; she even has a convenient copy of it in the muffin basket to prove her point. Thus, Paul needs to be out of there in sixty days.

"Very clever, Susan," says Paul. "But do you really think you're in a position to be making such demands? Why don't we just agree to overlook this slight lease infraction before I call your husband and let him know about his wife's little cleaning fetish?" For once, Susan has the upper hand. Gleefully, she informs Paul that she's already talked to Mike and he knows about everything, even the blackmail. "See this?" she asks, pulling out Mike hammer from the muffin basket. "This is what I had to pry out of his hand so you wouldn't need a paramedic to pry it out of your skull." She then gives a visual example of what will happen to Paul if anyone finds out about her porn career: she bashes a muffin with the hammer. Paul says he understands, but judging by how calm, cool and collected he is, Susan should still be worried. She takes her victory, though, reminding Paul that he has sixty days. Whoa. I just totally noticed that Paul has a picture of him and Zach out. That seems bizarre on about a hundred different levels, and I'm left hoping that that means that Zach will actually return at some point this season.

My distractedness aside, Susan turns to leave. "Oh! And enjoy those raisin muffins," she says. "At least I hope they're all raisins. My apartment has rats." Oh Susan. As if I or Paul possibly believe that you actually baked those.

Commercials.

Bree and Keith are arriving home from a date, but for once they're on their way to his apartment instead of her house. Actually, it turns out that it's her first time there, and she's clearly nervous in a typical Bree way (you know, that it'll be a crapshack). Keith opens the door and let's her in to an impeccable apartment. "Oh my God!" she exclaims, explaining that she had a frozen smile already prepared for what she expected to be a pigsty. "But look at this place," she says. "It's tastefully decorated and smells like...Oh my. Is that potpourri?" HA! It is, in fact. No one should be surprised when I say that Bree is turned on (though not as much as she was that time Orson was washing her wine glasses), and she and Keith start to make out. Suddenly, a beautiful young woman walks through the apartment, greeting them. Keith introduces her as Mimi, his roommate, but Bree's wide eyes and forced smile tell us that she is not happy about this. In fact, she looks kind of crazy.

Over at Susan's school, they're having a haunted house. Paul has brought Beth. Because, you know, it's not at all weird or creepy for them to be hanging out at an elementary school on a date. Beth is interested, though, if not impressed, as Paul explains that he figured at a haunted house, she'd probably want to grab on to him. Yeah. Especially at one aimed at small children. He redirects Beth to go get them a snack, and then skulks over to the nearest mother he can find.

"So, are you an Oakridge parent?" he asks the woman, who tells him that she is, in fact. She wonders if Paul is checking out the school as a prospective parent, and he coolly mentions that his morals are too conservative to ever send his child there. Which you would think would make this lady question why he's there at all, but she just wants the dirt. "Are you familiar with a Mrs. Delfino?" he asks. Well look at Paul double tasking. Dating his wife and ruining Susan's life all at once. You go, Paul.

Very late that night, Lynette paces the living room with baby Paige, desperately trying to get her to go to sleep. She's singing a lullaby (and she has a very nice voice, actually): "Go to sleep/go to sleep/this is all Grandma's fault/go to sleep/go to sleep/why can't she put her things away?" Hee. The last line is prompted by seeing the hand cream she bought Allison earlier still sitting out on the end table. Annoyed, Lynette heads to the bathroom to put the jar away, but is surprised to find that Allison has about ten jars of the same cream in her bag. Lynette is troubled, but I am super distracted by the baby's huge eyes. She is such a cutie.

Even later, Lynette clicks on the light on Tom's nightstand and sit down next to him on the bed. He wakes up, groggily asking if she's okay and what time it is. Lynette tells him that it's 4:12 (damn) and apologizes for waking him up, but she's worried about his mother. "I don't think she's all there," she explains as Tom looks at her in confusion. "You woke me up at 4am to bitch about my mom?" he whines. "You couldn't do that during business hours?" He rolls over, away from her, but Lynette will not be deterred; she explains the hand cream dilemma and what happened with Paige's nap time earlier. "She's older," says Tom. "She forgets some things."

"No," says Lynette, adorably climbing over Tom to her side of the bed. "She also has these intense mood swings. Today she almost took my head off for no reason. And then she looked like she was going to burst into tears." Tom continues to try to rationalize these behaviors, and Lynette says that she understand that he needs to find excuses. "But I think," she says, burrowing under the covers, "there's more going on here than just her being a little forgetful." She flops down, back to Tom, and reminds him that his light is on. Unfortunately, some of what she said must have gotten through because Tom is now wide awake.

The next morning, Tom comes downstairs and finds him mom in the kitchen reading the newspaper. He greets her more worriedly than usual, and Allison wants to know what's going on. "You just seem a little scattered lately," he says, sitting down at the table. "Have you noticed that?" Allison reaches out to pat his hand, saying, "There's my little worry wort. Remember when you were at Camp Kickapoo, you were sure Hurricane Belle had killed us all even though it was off the coast of Georgia." Aww. That is so adorably neurotic! Tom's clearly recalling something he hasn't thought about in years, adding that the mean counselor Bob ("Andy," his mom corrects him) wouldn't let him call home. Allison says he did get to call, though, and he even made her put the dog on the phone. Okay, seriously, that is probably the first cute childhood story we've ever heard on this show. At least one of the adults didn't have a completely dysfunctional childhood.

Allison says that she's going to get dressed since she has to help Penny with her costume, and Tom turns to Lynette (who has been listening to all of this) to say "I told you so." "Yeah, but it's nine o'clock in the morning," says Lynette rationally. "I've been doing a little research and there is this thing called sundowning. A lot of people with dementia don't show signs in the day. It's only at night that they get confused." Immediately, Tom gets defensive, saying that Lynette has just been looking for an excuse to get his mom out of the house. It's not entirely fair, but it is understandable. I mean, my cousins' grandmother had a stroke about six months ago, and the entire family was in denial for months about how bad it was (they even brought her home from the hospital before realizing that none of them could properly take care of her). Sometimes it's just too hard to admit that these things are real. Even Lynette isn't baited into fighting back, she simply points out that the things his mom has been doing (like leaving the stove on for an hour after she made tea) worry her. "Maybe we should take her to the doctor," she suggests.

At this point, Tom goes from defensive to completely irrational, absolutely refusing to go along with that. What is with these two and their refusals to get help from people? Seriously, if Lynette hadn't hurt herself and had to go to the hospital, she probably never would have found out she had cancer. And remember when Tom refused to send Kayla to a therapist (which she actually needed LONG before she convinced the twins to burn down Rick's restaurant). Sheesh. "Until we know what's going on, I don't feel comfortable with her watching the baby," says Lynette, still perfectly calm and logical. "There is nothing wrong with my mother, okay?" yells Tom. "So just drop it."

Commercials.

Over at Keith's, Bree is all ready for her walk of shame, right after she talks to Mimi, who is in the kitchen making tea. She does that annoying Bree thing (similar to what she did with Sam's mother last season), interrogating Mimi in a roundabout way to make sure that she and Keith never slept together. I kind of wish Bree was just secure enough to not have to resort to these tactics. Anyway, Mimi doesn't really mind. She says that Keith never stops talking about Bree, so she doesn't have to worry. Then she leaves the room, asking Bree to please give Keith his mail when he gets up. Bree agrees, and then promptly starts looking through the mail. Despite being married to an ex-con for years (or maybe because of that), she's worried to see an envelope from the Eagle State Department of Corrections.

Later that day, Bree approaches Renee, who is outside putting the finishing touches on her Halloween decorations. Hesitantly, she asks, "In the time that you and Keith spent together, did you ever have the sense that he might be--" Renee cuts her off: "Into bony, old white ladies? Definitely." HA! Bree clarifies that she was actually wondering if Renee got the vibe that Keith was crazy. Renee recaps her two dates with Keith, saying that the vibe she got was that Bree was crazy. Yes. She is. "Renee," says Bree, "you're not being very helpful."

Renee asks what this is really about, so Bree comes out and explains, "I recently discovered that he is on probation for assault." Renee waves that off as nothing; Keith just beat up some guy for hitting on his girlfriend. Oh, well, that's not worrisome at all. Bree is more concerned that Keith told Renee this, but not her, so Renee clarifies that she actually interrogated the bartender before she took Keith home. "I don't wanna end up handcuffed to my bed for three days. Again." Heh. "So Keith was defending his girlfriend," says Bree happily. Uh, did we hear the same story? Because the way Renee told it, I would assume that Keith has some serious jealousy issues.

Renee says that if Bree's really worried, she could always start a fight with Keith to see if he'll hit her. "Whoever left you handcuffed to the bed for three days, he has my respect," says Bree before walking away.

Over at the Solises', Gaby is apparently now pretty domestic; she made Grace's Halloween costume (the first one she's ever made, in fact), which Grace is currently trying on. That is so weird. Carmen, who wouldn't let Gaby give her kid a purse, let her make her Halloween costume? Okay then. Regardless, Grace calls out that she loves her costume, and Gaby is the coolest mom ever. What a suck up.

Juanita runs into the room wearing the cutest little puppy costume ever. She even does a couple of fake barks. It's so sweet. "You're adorable!" says Gaby, and Juanita starts to do a little dance. Unfortunately, they're interrupted by Grace opening the closet door and coming out in her princess costume. She also looks super cute, but instead of giving a proportional reaction, Gaby jumps up and declares that Grace looks beautiful. As she starts to shower her biodaughter with attention, Juanita strives to steal some of it by waving her little doggy tail. Too bad Gaby is totally distracted by putting a tiara on Grace.

"I wanna be a princess!" says Juanita, flopping onto the bed with a little sulk. Gaby doesn't pick up on her daughter's jealousy. "What?" she says. "All you've talked about for the last four months is how much you wanted to go as a dog." Juanita says she's changed her mind, but Gaby says it's too late; it's a dog or a little Mexican girl. "And in this neighborhood we both know which is getting more candy." Juanita pouts.

For some strange reason, Susan is at school even though both Juanita and Grace are at home. Okay. We'll just go with it. She's giving the students instructions when she's interrupted by a woman telling her that the principal needs to see her. Susan looks concerned.

Back at home, Mike watches MJ (MJ! Where have you been?!) beat his club against the floor (he's dressed as a caveman for Halloween) when Susan finally arrives home. She has a box of her stuff in her hands, but Mike doesn't notice, just mentioning that MJ has been waiting four million years to go trick or treating. I'm going to assume that Susan insisted on taking him or else Mike is back to his old douchey ways. Susan hands Mike the box, telling MJ to go put his shoes on. And at this point, I have to comment on Susan's costume. I have no idea what she's supposed to be--a character from Mother Goose maybe?--but her makeup is absolutely terrifying. Her face is so pale and she's wearing so much rouge that she looks more gaunt that usual. It makes me not want to look at her face. I mean, who did she piss off to get saddled with this look? Lord.

Anyway, Mike finally notices that Susan's not her usual perky self, and she tells him that she got fired. "They found out about the website," she says, teary-eyed. I do not feel bad for her at all. Regardless of all of the lesser crap that teachers get called out on every day, Susan should have at least learned from that whole Robin the stripper debacle last year. I mean, they don't let just any fool off the street into a classroom. She is an idiot for ever risking her career for something this stupid. Whatever. I am just thrilled that Susan's teaching career is over. Mike blames Paul for this, but Susan explains that it was one of the moms from the school.

"So what are we going to do?" asks Mike. "We can't make it on what I'm bringing in." Never mind that the main reason Susan took this job was to get MJ into that school. How are they going to pay for that now? Susan says she'll find another job, but Mike isn't so optimistic. He says that he's going to take that job in Alaska. "No! No Alaska," says Susan stubbornly. "You'll be gone three months. You can't do that to MJ!" Mike: "Do what? Make an honest living? How much thought did you give MJ when you were dancing around in your underwear?" I don't know, Mike. How much thought did you give MJ when you weren't making people pay for your services and also refused to take your wife's money? Douche. Mike also points out that now that it's out around school, there's a good chance MJ will hear about it. "No, Susan. You don't get to make the decisions about what's best for this family anymore. I do. Take MJ trick or treating. I'm going to make this phone call." Ouch.

Paul and Beth arrive home from another date that was apparently a big success; Beth enjoyed hearing stories about Paul's childhood. "Can I give you an odd compliment?" she asks. "When you talk about the past it changes how you look. You're not so intimidating." I agree. When he was reminiscing about Mary Alice a few episodes ago I actually felt bad for him. Again, something that would actually be interesting to hear Mary Alice comment on. Paul appreciates the compliment so much that he leans in to kiss Beth, but she backs away to ask what he's doing. "I was responding to what I thought was a signal from you," says Paul. Defensively, Beth snaps that it wasn't a signal for him to jam his tongue down her throat.

"Beth, I'm not some kind of animal trying to satisfy its urges," he says. He tells her that he wants a real marriage with her, which sex is a part of, but which also entails having a partner. He goes in for the kill again, this time making contact with her lips, but it doesn't last long before she slaps him. They stare at each other, stunned for a moment, and then Paul snaps, "I want you gone by the end of the week!"

Commercials.

On this All Hallow's Eve, Cowboy Carlos has candy duty at the Solis house, and apparently Penny and Allison have been roped into it at the Scavos'. But where things are really happening is at Renee's; her party is in full swing. The doorbell rings and Renee (dressed as Marilyn Monroe) answers it to find Bree (a cheerleader) and Keith (a biker) ready to party like it's 1999. Keith doesn't understand who Renee is supposed to be; his guess after she sings "Happy Birthday" a la Marilyn is Michelle Obama. Idiot. Also dated at this point in the show's timeline. Even if Obama gets another term, he'll have been out of office for almost a year at this point in the show. It would be like if someone dressed up as Laura Bush today. In other words, Keith is a moron. Also: both Renee and Bree realize this.

Back at the Scavos', Allison remarks that they're almost out of candy, but Tom says that they have extra in the kitchen. Allison's high pitched, childish voice is beginning to get on my nerves. Does that actress always speak like that or is this just special for her senile old lady bit? The doorbell rings and this time it's Gaby with the girls (who has to remind Celia to stop mooing since she's a cat. Ha!). Gaby reintroduces herself to Allison, who assumes that the princess must be Gaby's daughter. "No, my daughter's a dog. The dog! That dog!" Gaby babbles. Ugh. First of all, Gaby, you have TWO daughters there. Get a grip on reality. Second of all, how bad are Juanita's body image issues going to be by the time she hits puberty? That little girl is so pretty. Gaby really frustrates me sometimes. Even Juanita knows how bad this is, a fact that's only reinforced by Gaby taking a liberal armful of candy and dumping it into her bag.

Back inside, Allison again notes that they're almost out of candy. Unfortunately, this time Tom isn't there, and despite Penny's protestations that they have more candy "somewhere," Allison insists on heading out to the store. Penny looks concerned. Concerned enough to tell another adult? No.

Marilyn answers her door again only to find another Marilyn on the other side. It's Lee! There is absolutely no debate about who wore it better. I'll leave you to guess who.

Bree's in the living room getting refreshments when some sleazeball in a football uniform notices her. "Heeeey," he slurs drunkenly. "Thanks for cheering for me at the big game today." Bree plays along for a moment, more of a sport than I would be, but when middle aged football player continues to hit on her, she gets uncomfortable. She beckons Keith over and tells him what's going on. "Is that true? Are you bothering her?" he asks. The football player lies that they were just fooling around and walks away. Bree thanks Keith for being gallant and starts to talk about how no man has ever defended her that way before (except that Rex totally would have, and Orson definitely did. Remember when that creepy minister was going to lambaste her in front of the church and Orson told him off?). Anyway, it doesn't matter because Keith's not listening. He's too busy pursuing football man, demanding that he apologize to Bree. Keith starts to get physical, but Bree calls him off.

Upset, Keith stalks out of the house as Bree chases after him. He's ranting and raving about how angry!guy is who he is, and he's been arrested for it before. "So feel free to break up with me 'cause you know you want to," he says, and hoo boy, this martyr thing has got to be a turn on for Bree. "You can't be with a guy like me! Not the way you are with the controlled smile and your perfect house and your perfect lawn." Quickly, Bree points out that she's not as perfect as he thinks. "You wanna talk about my perfect lawn," she growls. "Nine years ago--" (WAY longer than that according to my timeline) "--my son found me face down drunk on it. That's true! He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up." Well, technically he didn't have to wake her up that way... Man, Andrew used to be such a little shit. I miss that sometimes. "Did you not know you were dating the biggest lush in Fairview?" she snaps.

With an honest little shrug (and this is really the first time I've remotely liked Keith), he says, "No, I didn't." Bree explains that they all have baggage, and she wants to know if Keith has any other skeletons in the closet. He says no, she's seen him at his worst. "Well I don't think I've seen anything I can't handle," she says. "How about you? You think you can deal with a control freak with a drinking problem." Keith doesn't answer; he just walks right up to Bree and plants a big kiss on her. I love the way it's shot. There's something really innocent about Bree in that silly Halloween costume, going up on her toes to kiss her boyfriend.

Tom, Porter and Parker are watching some gory movie on television, although I'm not sure why any of them are home. I mean, the boys are in their late teens; don't they have something better to do on Halloween? Even ignoring that, why isn't Tom at Renee's party with Lynette? Did she force him to stay home because she didn't trust his mom alone with the baby? If that's the case, it was a good call, because Penny wanders over to inform Tom that Allison walked to the store to get more candy and isn't back yet. Concerned, Tom asks the kids to listen for the baby. Parker asks if Allison is okay, and Tom says yes, but it's late for her to be out by herself. He hurries out of the house onto the insanely bustling street. Seriously, I have never seen a street so alive with the spirit of Halloween. He anxiously searches the crowd, but doesn't notice his mom sitting like a lost little girl on the curb.

Commercials.

Grace and Juanita pour their booty out on the floor, and Grace is super impressed with how much she got. Gaby, who is trying to cut gum out of Celia's costume for some reason (I mean, really, just take the damn thing off of her), says that Grace deserves it all for acting like a little model in her dress. Then the little suck up runs up to Gaby to give her a piece of her candy. Grace really lays it on thick. I can't quite believe that any child on this show is truly so wholly innocent. Juanita totally agrees with me too. After giving Grace a hug and ordering the girls to go easy on the candy, Gaby leaves to give Celia a bath.

Grace begins to pull at her tiara, unable to remove it from her hair. She calls for Gaby, but Juanita evilly smirks, "Oh that's all right. We don't need her. I'll take care of it." She picks up the scissors Gaby was using. Hehehe. If only Juanita was going to cut Gaby's hair.

In the bathroom, Gaby is trying to teach Celia that cats meow. The most Celia can manage is an oink. "Boy I really hope you marry well," says Gaby. Suddenly, there's shrieking from the living room. Gaby runs downstairs to find Juanita holding a huge chunk of Grace's hair and the tiara. "She was having a problem," says Juanita. "I fixed it." HEE! I LOVE Juanita.

Lynette (dressed as a flapper, complete with a short, dark wig) and Lee walk out of Renee's party, the former reassuring the latter that he's a much prettier Marilyn than Renee. Heh. Lynette's cell phone rings, and after a brief conversation, Lynette shoves her purse and phone into Lee's hands (for some reason) and takes off down the street.

Carlos was the one calling because he found Allison. She's huddled on his porch, clearly disoriented, and Lynette cautiously approaches her. "It's me," she says reassuringly (since clearly Allison doesn't know her at first). "Lynette?" asks Allison, pulling her daughter-in-law in for a hug. "Thank God!" Lynette murmurs platitudes to her like she's soothing a little kid, and Allison explains that she got lost while she was walking. She says she made it to Claire Graham's place, but the lights were out and she didn't know what to do. Lynette tries to tell her that there is no Claire Graham on the street, but Allison defensively snipes that there is. "Let's go home," says Lynette, trying to diffuse the situation. She tries to put her arm around Allison, but she yells at her to let go.

Just then, Tom comes ambling up the street, watching the scene unfold before him. "You're doing this to me," Allison accuses Lynette. "You're making me feel crazy." Lynette says that she's not, trying to take hold of Allison's hands, and Allison completely loses it. She slaps Lynette right across the face. Somehow, Tom doesn't immediately spring into action, but it's okay since Allison realizes that she shouldn't have done that. She apologizes to Lynette, turning and spotting Tom, and asking him to confirm that she's never done anything like that before. There is the most gorgeous shot of Lynette here, looking heartbroken and frightened and worried all at once as she watches her husband realize the truth. "It's okay, Mom," says Tom. "I'm here."

Cut to a close up on Beth's pet goldfish swimming aimlessly in its bowl. Beth is on the phone with her mother, relaying the story of how Paul kicked her out. She insists that she's trying everything to make it work with Paul, but she's unhappy and wants to come home. This apparently doesn't cut it for mommy dearest. Achingly, she agrees to stick it out and make it work.

Susan and MJ walk down the street hand-in-hand when Lee approaches them. He says that Paul insisted he ask again if Susan wants to sell her house to him. Susan says of course not, but then Lee mentions that Paul said Susan's circumstances have changed and a lightbulb goes off. She dumps MJ in Lee's care and, taking MJ's club, marches across the street.

Paul stupidly answers the door without checking to see who it is. He also manages to let Susan shove him into the house so she can barge in and attack. Screaming like a crazy person, Susan swings the club like a bat, breaking Paul's belongings as she chases him around the kitchen. Just as she's about to bash his head in like a muffin (although, really, how heavy am I supposed to believe the prop club of an eight-year-old is?), Beth appears with a gun. She shouts at Susan to leave Paul alone and get out of the house. Faced with a gun, Susan doesn't have much choice; she drops the bat and leaves.

Beth asks if Paul is okay and he says yes. Then, spurned on by either the phone call or the adrenaline, she starts to make out with him. Happy Halloween, Paul!

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A few days later, Juanita stares wistfully at her mother's jewelry box when Gaby storms into the room ranting about what a mess Juanita made of Grace's hair and how Carmen was pissed. "Fortunately that sweet little girl saw I was in a jam and said it was her idea," she snaps. "Of course she did!" says Juanita. I have never seen an eight-year-old with such athletic sarcasm. "Well thank God," says Gaby. "Otherwise she wouldn't be able to come here and play anymore." Whoops.

"Who cares?" asks Juanita, turning around to glare at her mom. Gaby sputters that Grace is Juanita's friend, but Juanita aptly points out that she's only known Grace a month. "But you love spending time with her," protests Gaby. "No," says Juanita. "You do. You're always talking to her, kissing her, staring at her. You like her better than me!" Okay, seriously, I just want to hug Juanita. Thank goodness she has Carlos, that's all I have to say. Gaby says that's ridiculous, but Juanita shouts, "Then why did you give her that necklace?! You don't even let me touch your jewelry! What's so special about Grace?!" About to burst into tears, Gaby has no answer for her daughter, and Juanita marches out of the room.

The hits just keep on coming for Gaby because Carlos has overheard this whole conversation. "This is bad," he says sternly. "She knows something is up. I think we should pull back. Stay away from Grace for awhile." This situation kills me. I think Carlos has every right to stand up for their daughter, but at the same time I also see why Gaby needs to have that connection with Grace. Yes, she could be handling it a lot better, but the whole scenario is genuinely frustrating and tragic. Gaby outright tells Carlos no, she'll just be more careful. "Gaby, we have to protect our daughter," says Carlos, but Gaby says they're both their daughters. But who is going to be hurt the most by all of this? Juanita.

Susan's boobs are packing Mike's bag as he heads off for Alaska. She's sad, but Mike says that this will get them enough money to get Paul out of their lives for good. Plus if he stays, he might kill Paul.

Over at the Scavos', Lynette and Allison are sitting out on the porch when Tom walks up and announces that they're all set to go. Allison is clearly bitter because she snaps that Tom is sending her to a nursing home, but he corrects her that it's assisted living and it's actually very nice. "Just tell me this, Tommy: after I go there, when do I get to leave? When do I get to go home?" she asks bitingly. Calmly, Tom says that they have to wait to see what the doctor says. Allison calls his bluff, saying that she's seen this happen to her friends and she's never going to come back.

"Mom," says Tom, gently approaching her. "I've talked to Peter and Theresa. We all agree. You can't live by yourself anymore." Finally. Tom's siblings are identified. I love having these little pieces of the puzzle fall into place. "If something bad were to happen to you," he adds, "we would never forgive ourselves." Allison doesn't care. She lays on the guilt as only a Catholic mom can, saying that the only bad thing happening to her is Tom sending her away. "Mom, I don't know what else to do," pleads Tom.

"When you called me at that camp," says Allison, turning to face her son, "and you were scared, you kept saying, 'I wanna come home, Mom.' And I said, 'Tommy, if you mean that, I'll come get you.' That's what you do." Wow. Standing, Allison heads for the car, leaving Tom to do nothing more than hold his wife's hand and try not to cry.

"The time comes when we all must find out what we're afraid of," says Mary Alice as the camera pans over the pumpkin-littered steps of the Scavos' porch. Tom heads down the stairs toward the car to take his mom away. "Some of us fear: 'She may never forgive me.'" Cut to Gaby, looking anxiously at Juanita. "Others worry: 'She might learn the truth.'" Next is Beth, staring at Paul. "A few wonder: 'Could he send me away?'" And finally we go to Susan and MJ, who say goodbye to Mike as he leaves for Alaska with the world's tiniest suitcase. "Yes, the world is a scary place. It's even more terrifying if we have to face it alone."

Well that episode was simply superb. The drama was top notch with just enough comedy to even it out. And there were some absolutely lovely scenes in that episode as well. A+ all around.