DH recap: Let Me Entertain You

Season Seven, Episode Five: "Let Me Entertain You"

Well, Mary Alice kicks off this week by talking about some woman no one has ever heard of or cared about on this show before. "Emma Graham was an ordinary woman," she tells us, though the woman tossing a salad on my screen is unlike any ordinary woman I've ever seen. "Overdone" would be the kind way to put it. Anyway, Emma has an extraordinary dream: to be known as more than just a wife, mother, and neighbor. So she announces to her husband that she wants to put on a cabaret show (this gets odd looks from both the husband and little girl playing her daughter, who looks so like a tiny, brunette Sally Draper that I'm going to be forced to IMDB her).

Cut to a nightclub where the whole neighborhood--sans Susan and Mike--has come out to see Emma's show. Emma's playing the piano and singing in a sultry voice, and while I will point out that Tom and Lynette seem to be getting along very well in this scene (just for future reference), the more hilarious place to focus your attention is Carlos. He looks absolutely unamused by this whole scene. After a long minute of singing, Emma is suddenly interrupted by Gaby and Renee bursting into the club in the middle of a fight. Lee tries to break them up, but just gets shoved out of the way for his effort, and then Renee punches Gaby in the nose. She pulls a full Marcia Brady and we cut to...

Wee little credits!

One week earlier. We get a close up on some lingerie, so of course we're with Susan, though the camera doesn't show her face at first. "She knew what she was doing was wrong," Mary Alice tells us. Cut to some high heels, and then Susan pulling up her stockings and ogling herself in the mirror. "She knew it was very dangerous. She knew the risks if people found out. But Susan Delfino was determined to get back to Wisteria Lane. And that was how her world began to fall apart." Am I supposed to be surprised that Susan's foray into the world of soft core porn would land her in hot water? Because I'm so not.

Susan introduces herself as Tonya to a man watching her on the computer. As you remember, she decided to start doing one-on-one sessions at the end of the last episode. While she's trying to take it nice and slow (drag out the hour), the man on screen quickly demands, "Show me your jugs." Susan laughs this off. "Aren't you a frisky little..." She pretends to notice some dirt on the floor and asks the man if he wants her to vacuum. "Sure," he agrees. "Right after you take out those tats and shake 'em." Ew. That's all I have to say. This is getting almost uncomfortably gross. And I said it before and I'll say it again, but this is also veering dangerously close to Lifetime movie territory. Remember that one where Jennifer Love Hewitt became a prostitute? That's what this reminds me of.

Again, Susan tries to laugh this off and convince the man that naughty talk would be better than her flashing her boobs. It will surprise no one that the man doesn't see eye-to-eye on this, though when Susan prompts him to discuss a fantasy, he does venture to ask if she's lactating. If only Lynette was there. This is the last straw for Susan. She calls him a pig and slaps the laptop shut.

Later, Maxine chastises Susan for being rude to such an important client. "The guy was a total perv," whines Susan, but Maxine is completely unsympathetic. "Susan, I can't keep giving you chances like this," she says. She turns to leave, but is interrupted by her cell phone ringing. It's some other perv asking for a private session with Tonya. Maxine informs him that Tonya no longer works for her; Susan takes this news with surprisingly good grace. Good. I would have lost even the tiny iota of respect that I have left for her if she had looked devastated.

Back on the Lane, Bree's boobs are no longer defying gravity as she and Keith arrive home from a date. She is completely dolled up in a shiny gold dress while he's dressed down in a plaid shirt and jeans. Subtle, show. Bree apologizes to Keith for not giving him a head's up about the formal restaurant, but Keith says he had a lot of fun. Then he gives her a kiss on the cheek. Ouch. Bree's feeling the pain too, actually directly asking Keith why he won't give her more than a quick peck. "I'm trying to treat you like a lady," says Keith. Bree: "Aw. That's sweet. Now knock it off!" And she plants a big ol' wet one on him. Just think: on first viewing I thought that this would be the strangest Bree scene of the night. How wrong I was.

The next day, the ladies are all gathered on Gaby's porch gushing over the fact that Bree had sex three times in one night. Bree: "The sex was amazing. It was like...How to describe it?...An opera!" Gaby: "You fell asleep during it?" HA! I do love Gaby. Bree continues to wax poetic about how fantastic the sex was--actually squealing with glee at one point--until Susan interrupts to point out that Renee is back from New York and heading for the porch. "Oh God, you invited her?" demands Gaby. "I know she's your friend, but isn't she kind of a self-absorbed, narcissistic diva?" Lynette: "Good point. We already have one of those." Hee.

Renee arrives, pops a bottle of champagne and announces they're going to celebrate her divorce. She starts to pour (even over Bree's protests that she's drinking iced tea--thank you, continuity), and invites the girls over for dinner. Gaby quickly accepts, but Bree, Lynette and Susan all beg off. "Well, I guess it's just you and me!" Renee says to Gaby. And as Lynette makes a big stink over how great that is, Gaby's face falls.

Later, Lynette is back home interviewing nannies. Tom comes downstairs and asks how it's going, and Lynette tells him that everyone is either too inexperienced or too expensive. "Hmm," says Tom. "What about the one with the boobs?" Season one, is that you? Seriously, guys, that is the EXACT reason you fired your first nanny. I'm going to pretend that Lynette's incredulous face is pointing out this very fact, although she doesn't actually say it.

Tom goes on to say that he found them one more applicant. "You took the initiative?" exclaims Lynette, genuinely surprised. Before Tom can explain, there's a knock at the door and Lynette goes to answer it. Tom preempts her to ask if she remembers how she used to hate yams, but then she tried them again and they weren't so bad. "And over time you realized, 'I like yams! Yams are great!' Well sometimes, Lynette, people are like yams." Suspicion fully aroused, Lynette bypasses Tom and peeks out the window. "Are you insane?" she gasps. Tom explains that he was talking to "her" on the phone about their problem last night and she volunteered. There's another knock, and Tom opens the door. His mother, Allison, is on the other side; they embrace while Lynette ponders why Allison couldn't have been a yam.

Can I say now that I would have enjoyed this plot more if Lynette hadn't demanded a nanny last week? I was going to save this rant for later in the recap, but I might as well give it now. I'm getting really tired how Tom and Lynette are being portrayed this season. They're becoming formulaic in much the same way Gaby was in season six, and it's annoying me. Tom does something clueless and immature; Lynette is insensitive; they patch things up at the end (or, worse, it's left completely unresolved and is never brought up again). It reminds me so much of season three (my least favorite season for these two characters) in the sense that so much of that season followed the same vein. There have been hints of it in seasons five and six as well, but not quite so consecutively as this season has been. I wish they would go back to writing Tom and Lynette as they were in the first couple of seasons (and season four, which also struck a good balance).

Really, it's just a matter of extremes. Yes, Tom has always been clueless, and Lynette has always been insensitive and demanding, but those traits were portrayed much softer earlier in the show. A prime example for me is the season two episode, "There Is No Other Way." Broken down in its simplest terms: Lynette unintentionally insults Tom at work; Tom overreacts; Lynette tells him to grow a pair; they make up and have awesome elevator sex. Sounds like any other episode, right? What I love about this one is that they both apologize to one another at different points in the episode. They both acknowledge they're wrong, and there is more than one conversation where they speak to each other like adults who are in a long-term, committed relationship. Lately, it all seems like one big story of "look at the ridiculous crap Lynette has to put up with" while wondering why Tom stays married to her. And I hate that. I hate it. Because this is my favorite couple. And yes, I can rationalize it, and yes, I can write fanfic that chronicles the missing scenes that would make this less of a parody of this couple, but I'm tired of doing that work.

What is saving this couple for me right now are the actors. From any interview I've ever seen or read with Felicity Huffman and Doug Savant, you can tell that the actors firmly believe in this couple as much as the viewers do. And because of that, they really affirm the love that these characters do have for each other in little ways: touches or looks that say, "Yes, we really do love each other." I am so grateful for that. It makes me feel like even if everyone else on the show (mainly the writers) gives up on this couple, the two of them will fight to the death for Tom and Lynette. It's the one thing I'm really clinging to right now.

This is what worries me (*spoiler alert*): in the coming weeks, that Tom/Renee backstory tease is going to come to the forefront of the plot. While I wasn't concerned about it at first, I'm beginning to fear that all of this discordance between the characters is actually leading somewhere terrible. Whatever the secret might be, I don't want my faith system with this couple to be shaken. And I really fear that's where this is leading: to some big revelation that is going to crush the history of these characters. Because, honestly, I think that the writers are stuck with Tom and Lynette. They don't know where to take them, so causing some big shake-up in their marriage is the only solution.

What I would like to see is something that is personally devastating for Tom, and Lynette has to stick by him. I love plots where these two are a team; when they work together to move past an obstacle. It would be fantastic if that was where this was leading, but I really doubt that's the case.

And this brings me back to my original thought: I wish they hadn't had Lynette demand a nanny last week. Instead, they could have had Tom subtly notice that Lynette was drowning and attempt to do something nice by asking his mom to come help out. And instead of having Lynette act ungrateful from the start, she could actually try to make an effort since Tom was trying to be nice. From there it could all blow up in their faces. That way we still get the drama, but it would be a nice reminder that this couple really does care about one another.

Sorry. That was a very long aside, but I'm worked up about this. Tom and Lynette are my favorite part of this show.

Commercials.

Renee and Gaby are drinking and discussing Renee's tumultuous marriage. Apparently, Renee thinks that Doug might have cheated on her more than once, but then he bought her expensive jewelry so she let it slide. "Being married to a pro athlete...It must be a nightmare," says Gaby (of course the real joke being that Eva Longoria Parker is married to a pro basketball player Tony Parker).

Renee goes on to say that she thinks Gaby gets her since they're both extremely beautiful. Gaby: "God bless you for having the courage to say that." Ha. Never has a character been so built around being vapid as Gabrielle Solis. The girls start to discuss how they've used their beauty to get things (hell, you could do an entire Gaby montage of that), culminating with Renee mentioning that she slept with Doug's lawyer to get a better settlement. Of course, then she wants to know one of Gaby's secrets to make sure she stays mum. Apparently knowing about Gaby's baby switching drama is not enough. After some prodding, she gets Gaby to admit that she had a nose job. Gaby tells Renee that she can't tell anyone; Carlos is the only one who knows the truth. "Of course you can trust me," lies Renee. "I'm beautiful."

The next morning, Tom cheerfully enters his kitchen with a bright, "Good morning," but he bypasses his wife to give his mom a peck on the cheek. He backtracks to give Lynette a kiss too, but she shies away, reminding him that she's still not speaking to him. As Allison announces that Tom's breakfast will be ready in a minute, he sits down and obnoxiously taps his coffee cup with his finger. It is the equivalent of what a child would do before he could talk in order to get food. Good God, man. Get some dignity. That's almost as bad as Susan. His mother, however, gladly pours him some coffee.

Allison tells Tom that his scrambled eggs are ready, and Tom sighs that he was hoping for her French toast. At this point, Lynette can't take any more. "She made you eggs, Tom," she snaps. "Eat them." Allison, however, says it's no problem; "I'll fix it right up, Rodney." "Tommy, Mom," Tom easily corrects her. And that might be my favorite moment for the Scavo family this week. Just that tiny hint that Allison isn't all there anymore, but Tom and Lynette easily write it off as a slip of the tongue. Subtle brilliance.

Anyway, Allison shrugs it off too, saying that Tom looks so much like his dad, but before anyone can respond, the baby starts to cry. Allison scurries off to take care of Paige, and Tom can't help but rub it in. "Would you look at that? My mother is on top of it. And you get to sit," he says, giving her a friendly smack on the butt (see what I mean about the actors!), "and have coffee with the man who you kicked three times 'in your sleep' last night." Lynette actually does sit, but only to complain that while she can take Allison in small doses, she can't live with her full time. I'm proud of Tom for not mentioning that Lynette's mother lived with them for about six months at one point. Instead, he asks Lynette what her problem is: she says she loves Allison, his mom is great with the kids, so what's wrong? "I can't stand the person she turns you into," Lynette tells him. "You become this neanderthal while she's tripping over her apron strings to serve you." Tom, unsurprisingly, doesn't see the problem with this.

Suddenly, Allison pops back into the room, chirping that the baby's fine. Tom, again, holds up his coffee cup and taps it, and as his mother rushes to refill it, Lynette snipes, "Just know if you ever hold your coffee cup up to me, you will be tapping it with a stump." Heh. And totally deserved.

Mike is at the bank when Lee approaches him and tells Mike how much Paul and Beth are enjoying the Delfinos' house. He goes on to say that Paul wants to buy the house. Of course he does. You know, he really slipped up by letting Renee buy Edie's house before he did. Also, doesn't Lee find all this property acquisition nefarious? Regardless, Mike gets a little testy with Lee, saying that while he'll forgive Lee for renting their house to Paul (you could have asked who the renter was, douche), he doesn't appreciate Lee's further efforts on Paul's behalf. "You tell Paul the day his lease is up we're moving home," says Mike. Tough man.

Cut to Lee calling Paul. He tells Mr. Young the bad news. "You disappoint me, Lee," says Paul. Lee mentions that there are other houses, but Paul says he needs that one. Red flag, Lee! Jeez, man. Get a clue. Fortunately for Paul, he has another trick up his sleeve.

Back to Mike. He finishes making a deposit, but when he sees his new balance, he goes all bug-eyed. "Wait, this isn't right. We should have a lot more money in here." And then, hilariously, he leans over the counter as though to look at her computer. It's such an odd thing to do. Like, what, is she lying to him? Hahaha.

Susan is glumly staring at her jewelry while she's on the phone trying to find out how much certain pieces are worth. Suddenly, Lynette shows up with a gold necklace that she borrowed from Susan. Since Susan couldn't be subtle if she tried, Lynette picks up that something is wrong. Susan says she can't talk about it, so Lynette scurries off to find her a tissue.

As soon as Lynette is out of the room, Mike bursts in and asks if Susan knows anything about their depleted account. Susan says that she took the money out as Lynette pops out, eavesdropping. While Susan sputters for an excuse, Lynette butts in and lies that Susan lent the money to her. "We had some bills from Paige's birth that weren't covered by insurance and Susan very kindly offered to help us out." Well, I can think of a million things wrong with that story that Mike is apparently too stupid to pick up on. For instance, how about the fact that Paige was born on Eddie's gross old couch? And wouldn't he question why Lynette couldn't go to one of their richer friends? I mean, Gaby, Bree and Renee ALL have more money than Susan. This story makes no sense. Mike's not the sharpest tool in the shed, though, because he totally buys this (although at least he has the decency to look annoyed). Susan says that Lynette is going to pay it back by Friday, and, with nothing else to say, Mike leaves to go back to work.

"Thank you so much," says Susan, giving Lynette a big hug. Lynette asks if there's anything Susan wants to tell her. "Yeah," sniffles Susan. "But promise you won't yell." Oh Susan. Have you met Lynette.

Cut to Lynette yelling: "You did porn on the internet?!" Susan sputters explanations (emphasizing how she never got nude), but Lynette isn't impressed. She points out that Mike or Susan's kids could find out, but that just raises Susan's ire. "It is really easy for you to come down here from your five bedroom house in the suburbs and criticize me," shouts Susan (except it's totally well established that there are only four bedrooms in the Scavo house; it has got to be super crowded there). "I am not on Wisteria Lane anymore! Look at what Mike and I are trying to climb out of! We can't even afford hot lunches for MJ at school. So just think about that next time you wanna judge me!" Oh my God. You mean all this time MJ had to brown bag it? Well holy shit. That just totally justifies EVERYTHING Susan has been doing. I am so sorry for ever judging you, Susan. I understand now. It is one hundred percent acceptable. As long as MJ can go back to buying gross cafeteria food, you do whatever you need to.

Lynette is much more moved by Susan's little speech that I am. She tells Susan that she's done judging her and back to being a friend. "I'm sorry you had to do that," she says, as though Susan really had no choice. I'm sorry. If Susan needed a second job there are a lot of other things she could have done. What this boils down to is that SHE wants her status back and she wants it back as fast as possible. So get off your high horse, Susan.

Commercials.

There is a knock at Renee's door. It's her ex-husband, Doug, with a big bouquet of flowers. "I'd invite you in, but it's late and I hate you," says Renee. HA! She is good with the zings. Doug insists that he flew all that way just to see her, so Renee reluctantly lets him in. "I miss you," says Doug as soon as he's inside. He goes on to say that the affair was a stupid mistake and that he wants Renee back. Renee seems to have a bit of a spine; she tells Doug that she's actually happy in Fairview and she's getting a fresh start. "Come on," scoffs Doug. "You can't be happy here in Mayberry. You were made for Manhattan." Then he whips out a huge ring and tells Renee to give them a second chance.

Down the street, Bree and Keith arrive home from another date. This time, Bree is going on and on about the symbolism of some angel in a play they saw. Keith has no idea what the angel represents, but he did have a good time trying to spot the wires. Heh. Bree heads toward the kitchen to find some dessert, still yammering on about the angel, but when she turns to face Keith, he's standing naked in the doorway. "Oh my," she sighs. I am totally distracted by the off-color patch of skin on Keith's chest. What is that? It's weird.

Cut to Bree falling back in ecstasy on the kitchen table. From there, we cut to the stairs. "That'll teach me to let you walk up behind me on the stairs," she breathes. Hahaha. Suddenly she realizes that Keith is erect again. Cut to the shower. As Bree's rinsing off, Keith opens the door and says hi. "Please tell me you're here to stab me," begs Bree. Hahahaha. Excellent. Keith just steps inside while Bree looks terrified.

The next day, Bree hobbles into the living room with a tray of snacks for her friends. It's very obvious that she's tender down there, and I never, ever thought I would write that sentence about Bree. "I guess someone was with Keith last night," laughs Gaby. "It's not funny!" says Bree. "Six hours we had sex! I feel like the Holland Tunnel." HA! Even Gaby is astonished by this one. She makes the very valid point that Bree should have said she needed a break. Bree says that if she did that, Keith would think she's a old woman. There's a knock at the door, and Bree limps over while Lynette and Gaby exchange "I wish I had her problem" looks.

Turns out that it's Renee at the door. She's all giddy to announce that Doug showed up the night before to ask for her back. "But he cheated on you!" says Gaby, one of the two other women here who eventually took back her cheating husband. Also, Gaby and Bree have both cheated on husbands who took them back too. If anyone should realize the world isn't so black and white...

Anyway, Renee starts to make excuses for Doug and says that after ten years she should give him another chance. Lynette (oddly, considering how inexcusable she really does view this subject) and Bree agree that she should go for it, but Gaby proclaims that this is insane. Seriously, pot calling the kettle black. The argument between Gaby and Renee escalates until Renee tells Gaby to keep her "fake nose out of it." Wow. I really thought Gaby would slip up first.

Bree's face is absolutely hilarious. While Lynette just looks suspicious, Bree actually leans forward and crinkles her face like she's trying to examine Gaby's nose. It's awesome. "Gabrielle Solis, did you have a nose job?" she asks. Gaby tries to change the subject back to Renee, but Bree is fixated on the fact that Gaby has been bragging about her looks for years. "I never bragged," lies Gaby. Lynette: "You once called your face proof of God's existence." HA! "And now we find out you've had plastic surgery. Ooh, this changes everything!" And really, the way Lynette says this is more teasing than anything, but Gaby is completely affronted. She tries to say that the surgery wasn't cosmetic, but can't make the lie believable. "You will regret this," she growls at Renee, and she storms out of the house, even as Lynette calls for her not to get her nose out of joint. And then she and Bree high five. Heh.

Commercials.

Bree is practically asleep on her kitchen table when Mary Alice pops up to say, "Bree Van de Kamp had a problem. Her boyfriend's sexual appetite was proving to be exhausting. And then, out of the blue, Bree came up with a solution. Since Keith's demands were overwhelming her, why not make some overwhelming demands of her own?" Cut to Bree handing Keith a long list of things to do around the house. He says he can get it done by Friday, but she says that it all has to be done that day. Oh Bree.

Over at the Scavos', Lynette hands Tom a bag of cookies that his mom baked for his trip. "Macaroons?" Tom asks excitedly, but Lynette says, no, they're oatmeal raisin. "Oh. Those are my dad's favorites." Subtle hint number 2. Lynette teases him about trading cookies with another boy on the plane, but Tom says that she has to admit that his mom has been great with the baby. "She has been great," agrees Lynette. "You were right. I was wrong." Tom: "Oh, if only these were macaroons, this would be the best day of my life." Hee! Laughing, Lynette tells him to call her when he lands, they kiss goodbye and Tom leaves. See, cute scene!

Lynette heads into the kitchen to sit down to dinner with her family. Allison offhandedly mentions that Tom said Lynette would be going back to work. "I must say, I don't understand that," says Allison. They cut to a reaction shot from Lynette, but boy do I wish we could see the kids' faces. Lynette, diplomatically, just says, "Well, that's okay." For a second, it seems like everything will be fine, but then one of the twins holds up his glass and pulls a Tom. Lynette tells him that his grandmother is not there to serve him, but this only prompts the same action from both of the other boys. Allison tells Penny to get the boys their sodas while she gets the meatloaf. "Why?" demands Penny awesomely, but Allison says that they have to take care of their men. Penny actually stands up to do as her grandmother says, but Lynette calmly says, "Penny, sit. You boys want a drink, get up and get it." Hell yeah.

"They had such a long day," says Allison. "Classes and then their after school sports." Is Preston even in college? That hasn't been addressed since the Irina fiasco. Lynette, clearly on the verge of losing it, says the men in her house get off their asses and help themselves. "When did it become a sin to take care of your family?" asks Allison, oblivious to the fact that she's pushing Lynette's buttons. "You modern women, you just plop out a baby and then you can't wait to get back to your silly careers." DANGER! DANGER! Not to mention that after she had the first four she didn't go back to work until Tom basically forced her too. But Grandma has dementia, so we'll let it slide. "I took care of my boys," continues Allison. "When my husband came home there was a hot meal waiting for him on the table. He never wanted for anything."

"Yeah, and how did that work out for you?" asks Lynette, acting rashly. "He had an affair and left." Wow, he left? After all those years? See what you miss by not mentioning Tom's parents for six years, show? The children are completely stunned by their mother's words. They are giving her the dirtiest looks imaginable. Allison quietly leaves the room, and Lynette just gives a little shrug and says, "Damn it." Love it. So much with so little.

That night, Bree is in bed reading when Keith enters and proclaims that every part of his body hurts. Bree offers to let him stay there, but when they cuddle down together it only takes Keith about five seconds to become aroused. "You said every part of your body was sore," says Bree, but Keith amends that to say that one part is okay. Finally, Bree is fed up. She leaps out of bed and declares that she "can no longer keep up with [him] and [his] Woody Woodpecker sex drive." Woody Woodpecker had a sex drive? I'll never view that cartoon the same way again. Keith is confused, so Bree spells it out: she's old and doesn't have his stamina.

Keith gets out of bed, arguing that he's the one who can't keep up. Bree speaks French and wants to discuss symbolism, things he can't do. "You're ten times smarter than me," he says (grammatically it should be "I." Bad time to point that out?). "That's why I keep sexing you up. I'm trying to keep you interested." Aw, that's almost sweet. You know, if I cared about him at all. "Make no mistake, I am interested," says Bree. "I love when I am prattling on about the meaning of the angel, you notice the wires. You have your own way of seeing the world and it's fun and down-to-earth and everything I'm not." Now that is sweet, especially coming from Bree. Keith realizes that Bree likes him the way he is. They kiss and agree to actually sleep through the night.

Commercials.

Tom arrives home from his business trip to find a stranger on the couch holding Paige. She introduces herself as Jenny, the new nanny, and before Tom can respond, Lynette bounds down the stairs with an appeasing smile on her face. "Yeah, isn't it great?" she enthuses. "I offered her a little more money and she took the job." Then, as an aside to Tom, "She's the one with the boobs." Tom is not amused. He asks Lynette if he can talk to her upstairs, but then tells her he'll meet her up there.

A few minutes later, Tom comes into the bedroom and tells Lynette he fired Jenny. Oh boy. "What? You had no right to do that!" snaps Lynette, but Tom counters that Lynette had no right to make his mom feel unwelcome in his house. So, wait. Did Tom talk to Allison at some point? Did Jenny the nanny somehow tell him what went down? Did he run into one of the kids? And where does this fall compared to Lynette actually kicking his father out of the house? I suppose he could just mean generally unwelcome by hiring the new nanny, but this seems rather specific. I don't know. "She just wanted to be a part of this family," he growls.

"Tom, I love your mother," yells Lynette. "And if this were 1955, I would be so on board with her parenting techniques, but I will not let her raise our children to turn out like--" Again, DANGER! "Whoa, whoa," says Tom. "Finish that sentence. Turn out like me?" "No, no," says Lynette, trying to backtrack. "I didn't say that. But, wait, let's be honest, when we first met, you thought there were only two roles for women: making a cake or jumping out of one." Really? If that's the case then Tom came a HUGE way from how he was when they met to how he was in season one. I just have a bit of a hard time reconciling a guy who has a wife like Lynette and is such a hands-on dad with a guy that would have been that backwards. Am I supposed to believe Lynette changed him? Or did he change because she showed him how independent a woman could be? Of course, Lynette has a tendency to exaggerate in the heat of the moment, but my mind is still a little bit blown by this, and it's going to force me to rethink a bit how Tom was pre-series.

"For our entire marriage, you have been the one to make the decisions: 'I'm going back to work. I'm hiring a nanny.' Well this time, I am making the decision: she stays." Wow. Look at Tom putting his foot down. I really think, though, that Lynette would have been better served by pointing out that his mother was making Penny subservient to her brothers. To me, the gender imbalance would have been more pronounced for Tom if Lynette had shown him exactly how it was affecting their children. But, you know, maybe she did. We'll never know, because the scene ends there and goes to...

...Susan, actually at school for once. The bell rings and the kids just start to put their supplies away (As if. Ineffective time management, Susan), and then Susan's cell phone rings. It's Maxine, and she wants Susan back for one last job. Some guy has been offering her big bucks for a private session with Tonya. Well I wonder who that could be.

Finally, we're caught up to the teaser of this episode. Emma Graham is chatting up Gaby at the bar, but Gaby couldn't care less. She's still bitter about Renee spilling her secret. Emma leaves to go get ready, and Carlos tries to convince Gaby to come sit down with their friends. "No! I'm sick of Lynette making those Cyrano de Bergerac jokes. Whoever she was." Carlos: "He. And maybe they are just teasing you." Is it wrong how much I love that the show plays up the intellectual disparities between the characters sometimes? I like that they're all still friends despite the glaring differences in their educations. And I like that (usually) the couplings match where the friends might not. For instance, Bree and Orson and Bree and Rex were clearly on the same page; Susan and Mike also seem to be on par and Tom and Lynette too (those two do the best silent communication when they get something that goes over another character's head). Carlos and Gaby are the only couple that's really not matched (excluding Bree and Keith, who I don't think will last), and it has been somewhat of a power struggle for them in the past. Just something that I've always found interesting.

Anyway, Gaby points out that her "thing" was her natural beauty. "Like Susan's an artist, Lynette's a great businesswoman, Bree's the perfect homemaker. I was the beautiful one. Now I'm just the plastic one." Heh. Also, Bree made a similar speech to Katherine back in season four. It's interesting to see how they view each other and themselves. Just then, Renee enters on Doug's arm and Gaby spots them. She tells Carlos how much she wants to smack Renee; Carlos just shuts his eyes and prays for the night to end.

Renee is gushing to Doug about how great it is to be with him. He says it's great to be with her. Kissy kissy.

Back at the bar, Karen and Lee (what an odd pairing) come up to Gaby and mock her too. Gaby, now very drunk and angry, doesn't hesitate to grab the free bottle of champagne the bar is offering Doug and take it to his table. Why the hell did Carlos leave her alone? He should foresee this kind of thing. Gaby stumbles up to the table, announces that Renee slept with Doug's lawyer, and then stumbles away. Heh. Doug asks if it's true, and when Renee doesn't deny it, he storms off.

Cue a man announcing Emma's performance. Gaby is cheering for her loudly when Renee comes over and drags her outside. "Why the hell would you tell him that?" she demands. She says that her marriage trumps Gaby's nose and then calls Gaby's life pathetic. "I'm pathetic?" shouts Gaby. "Hey, what do you call a girl who sleeps with a guy for eight million dollars?"

A few seconds later, Gaby and Renee come tumbling into the bar and we're back to the opening. Lee jumps in; Gaby gets punched; Lynette gasps while Carlos does nothing.

Commercials.

The next day (I assume), Renee is drinking coffee and wearing the biggest necklace ever when her phone rings. It's Doug. He's calling to say that he's been thinking, and as far as he can tell, they're even now. He still wants her back.

Over at the Scavo house, Allison sits at the kitchen table when Lynette comes in. They stare at one another awkwardly for a moment, and then Lynette walks over to get the coffee pot. She sits down next to her mother-in-law and pours a cup. "I am so sorry for saying those things about your husband," says Lynette sincerely. I wish I could see a whole scene where these two discuss marriage because it intrigues me. Allison apologizes too, but Lynette waves it off. "It just felt so nice to feel useful again," says Allison. "You are useful," agrees Lynette. "And I really need you here. Especially when I go back to work."

"You know," says Allison, "the kitchen is my favorite room in the house. The family sits together here, you get to cook for them and make them happy. And I just don't understand why you would ever want to give all that up to go out there." Ah jeez. This is just...excellent. That's all there is to it. Lynette, teary-eyed, can only sigh, "It's just who I am." God, I love it. Lynette's struggle to be a mother and a businesswoman is absolutely fascinating to me, even after all of these years. Allison nods, probably acknowledging this more than understanding it, when Penny comes in and says the baby is crying. Lynette gives Allison a kiss on the cheek and goes to deal with Paige.

Penny bites into one of the delicious-looking cookies sitting out on the table when her grandmother turns to her with a dreamy look. "I'm so sorry, what's your name again?" she asks. Penny, confused, tells her who she is, but then Allison asks if Penny lives there. Now Penny may only be 11 (ahem, 13), but she knows something is up.

Outside, Renee and Gaby approach each other. Each has an apology gift, roses and chocolates, respectively. Renee tells Gaby that she decided not to take Doug back, but she's keeping the ring he gave her. She also thanks Gaby for being a real friend, and then they walk down the street together, arms linked.

Susan's getting ready for her second private show by drinking. Smart move. She turns on the camera, but no one is there. After a second, a hand pops onto screen and waves to her, and Susan is actually fooled into thinking that this perv is shy like her. She tries to bond over that fact, but suddenly the man sits down in front of the screen. Surprise, surprise (not), it's Paul Young. Susan screams and literally jumps away from the computer like Paul is going to attack her. HA! Also: how did she not recognize her own house? Susan covers herself up and hesitantly approaches the screen again.

"I'm glad you put your robe back on. I hate to see you debasing yourself," says Paul. Haha. Susan wants to know what he wants, but of course it's obvious: he wants her house. She says it's not for sale, but Paul is willing to blackmail her. He subtly hints that if she doesn't do what he wants, he's going to blab her secret life to everyone. Well that sucks. "You son of a bitch," says Susan. Paul tells her to take a couple of days to think about it and signs off.

"He knew what he was doing was wrong," says Mary Alice as Paul creepily strokes the big poster of Susan that he stole last week. "He knew it was very dangerous." Paul walks outside and surveys the neighborhood with a big grin. "He knew the risks if people found out, but Paul Young wanted to punish those who had betrayed him. So he had a plan that would set neighbor against neighbor and friend against friend. And it was a plan that was going to succeed." How ominous. Now, see, here is where I wondered if he was going to get between marriages too. Like, if he's really planning to take over the whole neighborhood, is he going to drive wedges in between the Scavos and the Solises by figuring out their secrets (Tom and whatever he and Renee did, and Gaby and the truth about Juanita's death)? Or will he blackmail them too for their homes? If he messes with those couples, I will hurt him. I don't care if he's a fictional character.

Well that was a very good episode, and I actually enjoyed it more on my second viewing. I'd give it a solid A this week.