Master List of Fics

I finished my goal of doing a fic-a-day for December. Here is the breakdown for anyone interested:

1. Lynette's reaction to Tom and Renee's alleged affair for CharadesNinja
2. Lynette while she was pregnant for Jaz
3. Lynette and Paige for Jaz
4. Bree and Orson at Christmas for xoCupcakexo
5. Lynette and Tom break up and then get back together for Meg
6. Tom and Lynette's honeymoon for Maddy
7. Tom and Lynette's anniversary for Amy
8. Lynette's birthday for Amy
9. Tom/Lynette aftermath of the Renee/Tom affair (sequel to #1) for Sarah
10. Sappy Bree/Orson for Edna E Mode
11. Bree and Lynette being snarky for Jen
12. Edie and Mrs. McCluskey at Christmas for Edna E Mode
13. Lynette with postpartum for CharadesNinja
14. Tom recreates his and Lynette's first date for CharadesNinja
15. Gaby and Carlos' first new year's together for SydneeeyGrant
16. Tom and Lynette's first kiss for Rebecca
17. Bree/Katherine for K
18. Orson and Andrew in cahoots for Jen
19. Bree/Orson season four Christmas for Edna E Mode
20. M-rated Tom/Lynette for Maddy
21. Tom visiting Kayla for jazmyn-96
22. Bree/Orson after he's released from jail for Coco Saugatuck
23. Fallout of Kayla leaving for Meg
24. The girls visit Lynette after she's shot for FelicityKHuffman

Merry Christmas!!

First Fic!

Well I jumped the gun a little and already wrote out the lovely little request Jen gave me. And I had a lot of fun doing it too.

Untangling the Knot

Enjoy!

Fic Requests

So the past few Decembers I've tackled projects that involve me writing a short fic for each day of the month. Every time before this I've picked a theme and ran with it, but this year I thought I'd see if anyone had any requests for fic. I've done request fics for Charmed in the past, and I'd like to open that up for Desperate Housewives too. I figured I'd post about it on here, because I'm assuming that a lot of people have been referred to this blog through my fanfiction.net account. I've never tried anything like this before, so I'm kind of curious to see if anyone is interested. If not I'll just think of it as a failed experiment.

Basically, I will write just about anything, but I am a stickler for canon pairings (so I won't write something outside of what the show has established). I'll be willing to do DH or Charmed, as those are the two fandoms I'm most comfortable with (although it has been awhile since I've played in the Charmed universe).

I'm pretty excited to see how this goes. Please just post a comment if you're interested. Thanks!

Spoilers

Or: Why I'm Afraid Desperate Housewives Is about to Jump the Shark

Those of you who read my recaps might remember how unusually calm I was when the the show first hinted that Tom and Renee had some kind of secret past. That optimism lasted until I read a spoiler that Renee still has romantic feelings for Tom, and since then I've been on a desperate search for specific spoilers. From what I have heard through the grapevine and read, everything specifies that Tom and Renee did have an affair. The indication seems to be that it was pre-series while Tom and Lynette were still dating. Of course, nothing is set in stone until it actually comes out on the show, but I'd bet a lot of money that what I've heard is probably right on track.

*Sigh*

There are so many things that I have to say about this, so let's break this down.

A History of Affairs

First of all, why does this show insistently believe that an affair will add a new, compelling element to any story line. It's not a guarantee to spice things up. Look at the show's track record:

Gaby and John Rowland

I was never a fan of John Rowland, but the fact is that this affair was intriguing for several different reasons. It was layered: a symptom of Gaby's marital problems; a testament to Gaby's and Carlos' selfishness in season one; a crime that added more drama; and, ultimately, proof that Gaby and Carlos' relationship really was built on love. This affair went a long way to define the Solises on this show, and for that reason it was effective and well-written.

Rex and Maisy GIbbons

This is another example of an affair that worked. Rex's affair was in no way emotional, and in that sense I think that it was easier to forgive. I'm not sure if this is a popular opinion, but I, for one, still rooted for Rex and Bree even after this came out. Bree's reaction to this secret was appropriate and, again, revealed a lot about her character in season one. It was not just a salacious secret meant to spice up the show, but rather a meaningful way to extend character and plot development

Carlos and Xiao Mei

In some way, I always saw this as a way to build on the idea that Carlos has more depth to him. One of his key characteristics is how he values family. However, the result of this affair--Gaby and Carlos' ensuing divorce--is a prime example of using an affair primarily to pursue a plot that doesn't work. One of my biggest complaints about season three of this show is that Carlos and Gaby broke up. It was obvious from the beginning that eventually they'd end up back together, and watching them date other people was never particularly compelling. I could write an entire entry on this plot, but I'll save that for another day.

Carlos and Gaby

I have mixed feelings about this affair. It was fun, for once, to root for the people having the affair. However, the drama with Edie and Victor veered a little toward the absurd by the end of this story line. Victor's death seemed like a trite ending; an easy way wrap up this plot in a nice little bow.

Bree and Karl

I know that this pairing was fairly popular, but this affair is the best example, for me, of a relationship meant purely to "spice up" the show. I don't feel like any of the characters grew or changed as a result of this affair. It resulted in Karl's death--the most irrelevant end of a character I've ever seen--and afterwards, Bree and Orson hardly discussed it. Honestly, it felt pointless. Not to mention that, for me, it made Bree extremely unlikable. While Bree's morals are stringent to the point of obnoxiousness at times, at least it makes her admirable. When hypocrisy results, however, it just makes her hard to watch.

Other Affairs

And all of that doesn't even touch on:

*Karl cheating on Susan with Brandy
*Karl cheating on Edie with Susan
*Susan cheating on Mike with Ian

And the non-affairs like:

*Bree and George
*Tom and Norah
*Lynette and Rick
*Mike and Susan (during the Katherine engagement of season 5)

In total, that's twelve "affairs" in this show's seven year history. That doesn't include the affairs of minor characters. Is it wrong for me to find that excessive? I understand that this show falls into the soap opera genre, but honestly, most of the affairs I've seen on Days have had more emotional resonance than some of these.

And now we'll be able to bump that number up to thirteen.

The Purpose

So Tom had an affair. Great. What is the purpose of revealing this?

Character Development

I can accept almost any plot (no matter how absurd) as long as it results in character development. Lynette's emotional affair with Rick in season three was hard to watch, but at least I feel like we learned more about her, Tom and their relationship by the end. Potentially, I could accept this too if there was character development. However, at this point in this show, I really don't know what we could learn about the characters through this revelation.

Lynette

It has already been fully developed that Lynette has no tolerance for affairs. Let's look at how many times they've already overused just the idea that Tom has had an affair:

Season One

*"Move On" - Tom has the hots for their nanny
*"Your Fault" - Lynette finds out about Tom's father's infidelity and overreacts
*"Fear No More" to "One Wonderful Day" - Annabel returns and Lynette obsesses over the idea that Tom will cheat on her

Season Two

*"One More Kiss" - Gaby kisses Tom and Lynette becomes suspicious and paranoid
*"I Know Things Now" to "Remember" - Lynette finds out about Tom's trips to Atlantic City, follows him there, believes he's having an affair, runs away and ends up back with him when she finds out the truth

Season Three

*"Sweetheart, I Have to Confess" - Norah kisses Tom and when Lynette finds out she literally kicks down Norah's door
*"Bang!" - Lynette's confession that Norah is after Tom inadvertently causes Norah's death

Season Five

*"There's Always a Woman" - Lynette thinks Tom is cheating on her until she learns that Porter is actually the one having an affair

Thirteen episodes out of one hundred and forty-one have dealt with this topic. That's 9% of the show (and that doesn't even include that really the first eight episodes of season 3 dealt with Tom and Norah). At this point, I feel like that's more than enough. I get it. Lynette has no tolerance for this. She's almost irrationally paranoid. But it's also been established that she is by far the most forgiving character on this show (see her forgiving Tom about Norah and Kayla for just one example). So how is the revelation that Tom cheated on her twenty years ago going to show me anything even remotely new about her? Based on her history, this is what I will predict:

1) Lynette is going to leave or kick Tom out
2) Lynette will be at war with Renee over this
3) Lynette will eventually forgive him
4) They will get back together

I don't expect to learn anything new about Lynette through this plot. In fact, I'll probably almost be annoyed on some level that she's going to throw away twenty years of marriage over that something that happened over two decades ago.

Tom

On the other hand, I feel like this entire plot is going to try to redefine Tom's character. There is character development and then there is character defaming. This, in my opinion, is the latter. How many times has Tom vowed that he has never and will never cheat on Lynette? How many times has he been in the path of temptation and refused to give in? The only instance of infidelity that Tom has ever engaged in is his affair with Lynette when he was dating Annabel. And, according to Mary Alice, it was only a few weeks into his relationship with Lynette that Tom realized he wanted to marry her. So at what point did he squeeze in this affair with Renee? Let's face it, Tom is the most faithful character on this show and they are retconning his history with this development.

Also, I absolutely don't even understand this pairing. Renee does not seem like Tom's type based on all of the history we've been given on his past relationships. I feel like just because she's connected with Lynette's past, I'm supposed to believe this is plausible. I don't.

Story Development

Where is the show going with this? If a plot is not going to develop the characters, it should at least advance the story. So in the saga of Tom and Lynette, where is this going to take them?

Possibilities:

*Tom and Lynette will break up and get divorced
*One or both of these characters will date other people
*Tom and Lynette will break up, bicker, and eventually end up back together
*The characters will actually stick it out and have to work through this problem

None of these options is particularly appealing to me. The first two, frankly, make me ill. The third seems tedious. And the fourth has already been done to death (see season three with both Norah and Rick). So what will be compelling about this plot? What other options are there?

Jumping the Shark

Most shows that last this long tend to jump the shark. It's a depressing, if true, fact. However, I've had high hopes that this show wouldn't succumb to the usual pitfalls of other shows. A brief look at my history:

Charmed

When It Jumped the Shark: Season 5

Cole and Phoebe's relationship was on the rocks, and eventually Cole was killed off. The episodes became unbearably "cute" and no longer followed a season arc. The characters became selfish and annoying.

When It Became Unbearable: Season 6

Just a year later, the writers broke up Piper and Leo. I actually see a lot of parallels between that and this debacle with Tom and Lynette. Although Leo didn't cheat on Piper, his decision to become an Elder was completely out of character and never properly explained. Then we had to endured a year and a half of drama before they finally got back together. Meanwhile, Phoebe and Paige became more and more intolerable, and the continuity went to hell.

The X-Files

When It Jumped the Shark: Season Eight

Mulder left. On a show built around two main characters, losing one of them proves to be detrimental.

When It Became Unbearable: Season Nine

Scully was relegated to a minor role. Doggett and Reyes became the main characters. Because the show was so driven by Scully and Mulder and their partnership, it really became unwatchable.

Other Examples

Scrubs jumped the shark when the characters became parodies of themselves; How I Met Your Mother made its characters so obnoxious it was hard to root for them (although they seem to be recovering this year); The Office stopped being funny; Gilmore Girls broke up Luke and Lorelai through the introduction of a secret child (I loathe that plot) and made Rory unbearable; and Buffy lost half of its cast when they spun off Angel (not to mention the introduction of Buffy's sister). These are only a few examples; there are many more.

To sum up: When will shows learn that they can only push the realm of believability so far? If you betray your characters, make them shadows of themselves, or try to make unpopular, dramatic changes for ratings (or boredom or writer's block or whatever), it isn't going to help your show.

Tom and Lynette are an immensely popular couple. Even in interviews, Marc Cherry has stated that he knows he can only push that couple so far without the audience revolting. Well guess what, you may have just reached that point.

Please, please prove me wrong.

DH recap: Excited and Scared

Season Seven, Episode Six: "Excited and Scared"

"Paul Young was a frustrated man," says Mary Alice as Paul anxiously rubs his hand over the arm of his chair. He and Beth are sitting in a rather nondescript office. "He'd been living with his wife for over two months, but she still refused to sleep with him." Cue flashbacks: Paul has tried expensive jewelry, wine, and porn to get Beth in the mood with always the same result--she slams her bedroom door in his face. Man, that's really all the dirt you're going to give us, Mary Alice? With Paul being her husband and all, you'd think she could add some more colorful commentary to this. Which really brings up a good point: do the Mary Alice voiceovers really serve any purpose anymore? I feel as though they seem like just a requirement at this point, something tacked on quickly to each episode simply because it's always been part of the show. It's not like I want them to cut Mary Alice from the show, but I do wish they'd make her little speeches more meaningful.

Anyway, back in the office, Mary Alice finishes up: "So Paul decided to get help from someone sure to sympathize with his situation: another man." A therapist comes into the room and introduces himself as Dr. Gable.

A little while later, Beth has obviously explained to the therapist how she and Paul met and got married; Dr. Gable is curious as to why it never occurred to Beth that Paul might be released someday. "You were content to marry a man you could never truly be with?" he inquires politely. Beth says that she just wanted someone to care about her; she was never actually interested in sex. Too bad, Paul. "Do you not like sex?" asks Dr. Gable as Paul eagerly awaits the answer. Turns out that Beth is a virgin (surprise, surprise). Paul is completely shocked by this. "You're thirty years old!" he exclaims, outraged. Hey, I'm outraged too; not so much by the fact that she's a virgin but by the fact that she's married to a guy who has to be in his fifties by now. I'm not digging the twenty year age difference. Beth explains that she was saving herself for marriage. "Good news!" snaps Paul. "You are married! Time to take the lid off the cookie jar!" Beth: "Stop calling it that!" So he's used this euphemism more than once? Interesting.

Dr. Gable interrupts the fight to bring some logic to the situation. He thinks that Paul and Beth should date. If Paul takes Beth out and they get to know one another, then Beth will eventually be able to develop normal romantic feelings for him and thus boink his brains out. Beth digs this plan, so Paul reluctantly agrees.

"Yes," says Mary Alice as the Youngs leave the office. "Paul Young was frustrated. But even frustrated men..." She trails off, giving Paul time to say that Beth will be treating him on their dinner dates until she puts out (classy). "...have their pride."

Wee little credits.

It's Halloween on the Lane, as evidenced by the absolutely huge "Happy Halloween" banner that overlooks Wisteria Lane. Not to mention all of the decorations. Oh, yeah, and Mary Alice might mention it too. "It was that time of year when people find out what they're afraid of," she explains. "For some, it's the monster in the bushes." Parker jumps out wearing a mask and scares Porter (who gives him the weakest shove ever. Seriously, they're brothers. I do not buy this lame ass pushing). "For others, it's the spider in their hair." Lee is hanging a sign when Penny dangles a fake spider in his face and he screams. Why am I not at all surprised that these shenanigans all result from the Scavo kids? "For a few, it's the vampire in the driveway." Celia and an anonymous friend walk down the street, and Carlos jumps out wearing vampire teeth to scare them. "Yes, Halloween had once again come to Wisteria Lane." Renee walks to Lynette's house, ignoring Parker's repetitive scare tactics. "And the only thing that frightened one woman was that she might not be the center of attention."

Inside the Scavos', Renee announces that she's having a Halloween party and that all of the girls have to come (in this case, Gaby, Lynette and Bree). Apparently, this is an annual tradition for Renee, albeit one that will be much lamer now that she lives in the suburbs. Gaby says that Grace is sleeping over that night, but once they're done trick or treating they can stop by. Renee promptly announces that there won't be any children welcome. "They always get underfoot, they eat all the candy, and you can't swear in front of the little bastards." Heh. Bree says she'll come if she can bring Keith, and Renee says she guesses one child will be okay.

Just then, Allison comes into the room and asks if Lynette bought her the hand cream she asked for. Lynette says that she didn't remember her asking, but she can pick it up after her company leaves. "Oh alright," says Allison. "It's just that my hands are so dry that they're starting to crack and bleed." Nice. Apparently the guilt works; Lynette agrees to go to the store right then, as long as Allison makes sure to wake up the baby at three. Allison agrees, and then notices one of the invitations Renee handed out. "Oh!" she cries. "A party." Renee snatches the invitation away with a simple, but hilarious, "No."

Over at the home of the sad and pathetic, Susan is explaining her side business to Mike, who sits and scowls at the computer screen. "Oh look, Mike, I know that you must be angry," says Susan, wringing her hands. "If you wanna yell, yell. Let me have it! Say something, please." Instead of yelling, Mike just says, "I should have taken that job in Alaska." Yeah, buddy. You should have. I mean, really, Mike has served absolutely no purpose in the season yet anyway. For all the screen time he's had, he might as well have been off in Alaska, saving us all from seeing Susan do porn. Susan, you might guess, doesn't agree with me.

"I thought I could make some easy money and no one would know," she whimpers. "I'm sorry!" Astutely, Mike asks why Susan would even tell him this. She reluctantly admits that Paul saw her (Mike: "Oh God!") and is now blackmailing her. Susan thinks that it shouldn't matter--since she told Mike now Paul has no leverage. Mike, however, is still stuck on the fact that Paul threatened her at all, and he goes to pick up a hammer to bash Paul's head in with. "No, no, no!" yelps Susan. "Don't be angry! This was good! I'm not lying to you now!" Nice spin, Susan. Mike doesn't care; he heads for the door, so Susan leaps on his back like a spider monkey to deter him. She says she has an idea for how to deal with Paul. Mike: "I'm listening." Now see, right then would have been a good time to point out that Susan's ideas rarely lead anywhere good. Why is Mike always so stupid?

Grace and Juanita are in Grace's bedroom and the former is talking about how excited she is to go trick or treating with Juanita. She picks up a pumpkin shaped basket that she's going to use to collect candy, and Juanita quickly says that won't cut it. There's too much loot to be found on Wisteria Lane. In a somewhat awkward transition, Juanita opens Grace's pencil case and finds the necklace that Gaby gave Grace inside. "Where'd you get this?" she asks suspiciously. Grace's eyes widen as she nervously asks, "Why?" and Juanita explains that it's her mom's. Snatching the necklace away and stuffing it into a desk drawer, Grace says that it was a present from her aunt. Wow, lying on the spot. She really is Gaby's kid. Juanita pretends to believe this, but when Carmen beckons the girls downstairs and Grace runs from the room, Juanita takes a second to steal the necklace back.

A minute later, she climbs into Gaby's car with a self-satisfied smirk on her face. "I found out something about Grace today," she tells Gaby proudly. And it almost breaks my heart because it's like Juanita knows that this sort of gossip should be the sort of thing to actually please her mom. Seriously, Juanita and Gaby's relationship is just tragic. "She's a thief," Juanita says, unveiling the necklace. Gaby, of course, is distraught, demanding to know what Juanita is doing with it. "She stole your necklace, so I stole it back," declares Juanita as Gaby snatches the necklace away. Impressively, she manages not to completely freak out, simply explaining that she gave the necklace to Grace because she felt sorry for her and her poor family. "Aunt Rosie's poor and you always hide your jewelry box when she comes over," points out Juanita. I love her; she's like the smartest kid on this show. Gaby explains that the situation is completely different since Aunt Rosie is a kleptomaniac, so Juanita asks if she wants her to give the necklace back. Gaby says that she'll take care of it, and they drive off.

Back at the Scavos', Lynette arrives home and gives Allison her hand cream. "So how did it go with the baby?" she asks, flopping down on the couch and glancing around the room. "And on a related note, where is the baby?" Allison says that Paige is still upstairs in the crib, and Lynette goes from relieved to upset in about two seconds flat. Turns out that it's after three, and Allison didn't wake the baby like she said she would. "Bless her heart, I had time to mend all of Rodney's old sweaters," explains Allison cheerfully. Lynette distractedly corrects her that they're Tom's sweaters, more concerned that Allison didn't keep her promise. Allison: "Oh that's ridiculous. I would never agree to wake a sleeping baby."

Annoyed, Lynette gets up to go get Paige, complaining that she'll be up all night now that she's napped for four hours. Suddenly, Allison jumps up and cries out, "You stop yelling at me!" Lynette says she's not yelling (she really isn't), but Allison continues to whimper that Lynette is unfairly blaming her. "You're a liar!" she shouts, and she storms out of the room, leaving Lynette to stare after her worriedly.

Next door, Susan arrives at her old house with a basket of muffins. Now, they look like delicious chocolate chip muffins, but we find out that they're actually raisin muffins, which prompts me to ask: raisin muffins? Does such a thing really exist? And are they actually any good? Because, honestly, a muffin sounds like heaven right now.

Regardless, Paul is surprise to see both Susan and her muffins. Susan lies that the muffins are a peace offering. "Paul, we need to move past the past," she explains, brushing past him into the house. "You have been a really good tenant, and I appreciate that. You never complain, you're never late with the rent check. In fact, you're usually early. Who does that? I'm just so lucky that...Oh dear." Susan stops short to point out that Paul has used a thumb tack to hang up a calendar. "Well I tried willing the calendar to stay up, but it just wouldn't cooperate," says Paul. Ha! That's the first joke I ever remember him cracking. Calmly, Susan says that altering the house in any way violates their lease agreement; she even has a convenient copy of it in the muffin basket to prove her point. Thus, Paul needs to be out of there in sixty days.

"Very clever, Susan," says Paul. "But do you really think you're in a position to be making such demands? Why don't we just agree to overlook this slight lease infraction before I call your husband and let him know about his wife's little cleaning fetish?" For once, Susan has the upper hand. Gleefully, she informs Paul that she's already talked to Mike and he knows about everything, even the blackmail. "See this?" she asks, pulling out Mike hammer from the muffin basket. "This is what I had to pry out of his hand so you wouldn't need a paramedic to pry it out of your skull." She then gives a visual example of what will happen to Paul if anyone finds out about her porn career: she bashes a muffin with the hammer. Paul says he understands, but judging by how calm, cool and collected he is, Susan should still be worried. She takes her victory, though, reminding Paul that he has sixty days. Whoa. I just totally noticed that Paul has a picture of him and Zach out. That seems bizarre on about a hundred different levels, and I'm left hoping that that means that Zach will actually return at some point this season.

My distractedness aside, Susan turns to leave. "Oh! And enjoy those raisin muffins," she says. "At least I hope they're all raisins. My apartment has rats." Oh Susan. As if I or Paul possibly believe that you actually baked those.

Commercials.

Bree and Keith are arriving home from a date, but for once they're on their way to his apartment instead of her house. Actually, it turns out that it's her first time there, and she's clearly nervous in a typical Bree way (you know, that it'll be a crapshack). Keith opens the door and let's her in to an impeccable apartment. "Oh my God!" she exclaims, explaining that she had a frozen smile already prepared for what she expected to be a pigsty. "But look at this place," she says. "It's tastefully decorated and smells like...Oh my. Is that potpourri?" HA! It is, in fact. No one should be surprised when I say that Bree is turned on (though not as much as she was that time Orson was washing her wine glasses), and she and Keith start to make out. Suddenly, a beautiful young woman walks through the apartment, greeting them. Keith introduces her as Mimi, his roommate, but Bree's wide eyes and forced smile tell us that she is not happy about this. In fact, she looks kind of crazy.

Over at Susan's school, they're having a haunted house. Paul has brought Beth. Because, you know, it's not at all weird or creepy for them to be hanging out at an elementary school on a date. Beth is interested, though, if not impressed, as Paul explains that he figured at a haunted house, she'd probably want to grab on to him. Yeah. Especially at one aimed at small children. He redirects Beth to go get them a snack, and then skulks over to the nearest mother he can find.

"So, are you an Oakridge parent?" he asks the woman, who tells him that she is, in fact. She wonders if Paul is checking out the school as a prospective parent, and he coolly mentions that his morals are too conservative to ever send his child there. Which you would think would make this lady question why he's there at all, but she just wants the dirt. "Are you familiar with a Mrs. Delfino?" he asks. Well look at Paul double tasking. Dating his wife and ruining Susan's life all at once. You go, Paul.

Very late that night, Lynette paces the living room with baby Paige, desperately trying to get her to go to sleep. She's singing a lullaby (and she has a very nice voice, actually): "Go to sleep/go to sleep/this is all Grandma's fault/go to sleep/go to sleep/why can't she put her things away?" Hee. The last line is prompted by seeing the hand cream she bought Allison earlier still sitting out on the end table. Annoyed, Lynette heads to the bathroom to put the jar away, but is surprised to find that Allison has about ten jars of the same cream in her bag. Lynette is troubled, but I am super distracted by the baby's huge eyes. She is such a cutie.

Even later, Lynette clicks on the light on Tom's nightstand and sit down next to him on the bed. He wakes up, groggily asking if she's okay and what time it is. Lynette tells him that it's 4:12 (damn) and apologizes for waking him up, but she's worried about his mother. "I don't think she's all there," she explains as Tom looks at her in confusion. "You woke me up at 4am to bitch about my mom?" he whines. "You couldn't do that during business hours?" He rolls over, away from her, but Lynette will not be deterred; she explains the hand cream dilemma and what happened with Paige's nap time earlier. "She's older," says Tom. "She forgets some things."

"No," says Lynette, adorably climbing over Tom to her side of the bed. "She also has these intense mood swings. Today she almost took my head off for no reason. And then she looked like she was going to burst into tears." Tom continues to try to rationalize these behaviors, and Lynette says that she understand that he needs to find excuses. "But I think," she says, burrowing under the covers, "there's more going on here than just her being a little forgetful." She flops down, back to Tom, and reminds him that his light is on. Unfortunately, some of what she said must have gotten through because Tom is now wide awake.

The next morning, Tom comes downstairs and finds him mom in the kitchen reading the newspaper. He greets her more worriedly than usual, and Allison wants to know what's going on. "You just seem a little scattered lately," he says, sitting down at the table. "Have you noticed that?" Allison reaches out to pat his hand, saying, "There's my little worry wort. Remember when you were at Camp Kickapoo, you were sure Hurricane Belle had killed us all even though it was off the coast of Georgia." Aww. That is so adorably neurotic! Tom's clearly recalling something he hasn't thought about in years, adding that the mean counselor Bob ("Andy," his mom corrects him) wouldn't let him call home. Allison says he did get to call, though, and he even made her put the dog on the phone. Okay, seriously, that is probably the first cute childhood story we've ever heard on this show. At least one of the adults didn't have a completely dysfunctional childhood.

Allison says that she's going to get dressed since she has to help Penny with her costume, and Tom turns to Lynette (who has been listening to all of this) to say "I told you so." "Yeah, but it's nine o'clock in the morning," says Lynette rationally. "I've been doing a little research and there is this thing called sundowning. A lot of people with dementia don't show signs in the day. It's only at night that they get confused." Immediately, Tom gets defensive, saying that Lynette has just been looking for an excuse to get his mom out of the house. It's not entirely fair, but it is understandable. I mean, my cousins' grandmother had a stroke about six months ago, and the entire family was in denial for months about how bad it was (they even brought her home from the hospital before realizing that none of them could properly take care of her). Sometimes it's just too hard to admit that these things are real. Even Lynette isn't baited into fighting back, she simply points out that the things his mom has been doing (like leaving the stove on for an hour after she made tea) worry her. "Maybe we should take her to the doctor," she suggests.

At this point, Tom goes from defensive to completely irrational, absolutely refusing to go along with that. What is with these two and their refusals to get help from people? Seriously, if Lynette hadn't hurt herself and had to go to the hospital, she probably never would have found out she had cancer. And remember when Tom refused to send Kayla to a therapist (which she actually needed LONG before she convinced the twins to burn down Rick's restaurant). Sheesh. "Until we know what's going on, I don't feel comfortable with her watching the baby," says Lynette, still perfectly calm and logical. "There is nothing wrong with my mother, okay?" yells Tom. "So just drop it."

Commercials.

Over at Keith's, Bree is all ready for her walk of shame, right after she talks to Mimi, who is in the kitchen making tea. She does that annoying Bree thing (similar to what she did with Sam's mother last season), interrogating Mimi in a roundabout way to make sure that she and Keith never slept together. I kind of wish Bree was just secure enough to not have to resort to these tactics. Anyway, Mimi doesn't really mind. She says that Keith never stops talking about Bree, so she doesn't have to worry. Then she leaves the room, asking Bree to please give Keith his mail when he gets up. Bree agrees, and then promptly starts looking through the mail. Despite being married to an ex-con for years (or maybe because of that), she's worried to see an envelope from the Eagle State Department of Corrections.

Later that day, Bree approaches Renee, who is outside putting the finishing touches on her Halloween decorations. Hesitantly, she asks, "In the time that you and Keith spent together, did you ever have the sense that he might be--" Renee cuts her off: "Into bony, old white ladies? Definitely." HA! Bree clarifies that she was actually wondering if Renee got the vibe that Keith was crazy. Renee recaps her two dates with Keith, saying that the vibe she got was that Bree was crazy. Yes. She is. "Renee," says Bree, "you're not being very helpful."

Renee asks what this is really about, so Bree comes out and explains, "I recently discovered that he is on probation for assault." Renee waves that off as nothing; Keith just beat up some guy for hitting on his girlfriend. Oh, well, that's not worrisome at all. Bree is more concerned that Keith told Renee this, but not her, so Renee clarifies that she actually interrogated the bartender before she took Keith home. "I don't wanna end up handcuffed to my bed for three days. Again." Heh. "So Keith was defending his girlfriend," says Bree happily. Uh, did we hear the same story? Because the way Renee told it, I would assume that Keith has some serious jealousy issues.

Renee says that if Bree's really worried, she could always start a fight with Keith to see if he'll hit her. "Whoever left you handcuffed to the bed for three days, he has my respect," says Bree before walking away.

Over at the Solises', Gaby is apparently now pretty domestic; she made Grace's Halloween costume (the first one she's ever made, in fact), which Grace is currently trying on. That is so weird. Carmen, who wouldn't let Gaby give her kid a purse, let her make her Halloween costume? Okay then. Regardless, Grace calls out that she loves her costume, and Gaby is the coolest mom ever. What a suck up.

Juanita runs into the room wearing the cutest little puppy costume ever. She even does a couple of fake barks. It's so sweet. "You're adorable!" says Gaby, and Juanita starts to do a little dance. Unfortunately, they're interrupted by Grace opening the closet door and coming out in her princess costume. She also looks super cute, but instead of giving a proportional reaction, Gaby jumps up and declares that Grace looks beautiful. As she starts to shower her biodaughter with attention, Juanita strives to steal some of it by waving her little doggy tail. Too bad Gaby is totally distracted by putting a tiara on Grace.

"I wanna be a princess!" says Juanita, flopping onto the bed with a little sulk. Gaby doesn't pick up on her daughter's jealousy. "What?" she says. "All you've talked about for the last four months is how much you wanted to go as a dog." Juanita says she's changed her mind, but Gaby says it's too late; it's a dog or a little Mexican girl. "And in this neighborhood we both know which is getting more candy." Juanita pouts.

For some strange reason, Susan is at school even though both Juanita and Grace are at home. Okay. We'll just go with it. She's giving the students instructions when she's interrupted by a woman telling her that the principal needs to see her. Susan looks concerned.

Back at home, Mike watches MJ (MJ! Where have you been?!) beat his club against the floor (he's dressed as a caveman for Halloween) when Susan finally arrives home. She has a box of her stuff in her hands, but Mike doesn't notice, just mentioning that MJ has been waiting four million years to go trick or treating. I'm going to assume that Susan insisted on taking him or else Mike is back to his old douchey ways. Susan hands Mike the box, telling MJ to go put his shoes on. And at this point, I have to comment on Susan's costume. I have no idea what she's supposed to be--a character from Mother Goose maybe?--but her makeup is absolutely terrifying. Her face is so pale and she's wearing so much rouge that she looks more gaunt that usual. It makes me not want to look at her face. I mean, who did she piss off to get saddled with this look? Lord.

Anyway, Mike finally notices that Susan's not her usual perky self, and she tells him that she got fired. "They found out about the website," she says, teary-eyed. I do not feel bad for her at all. Regardless of all of the lesser crap that teachers get called out on every day, Susan should have at least learned from that whole Robin the stripper debacle last year. I mean, they don't let just any fool off the street into a classroom. She is an idiot for ever risking her career for something this stupid. Whatever. I am just thrilled that Susan's teaching career is over. Mike blames Paul for this, but Susan explains that it was one of the moms from the school.

"So what are we going to do?" asks Mike. "We can't make it on what I'm bringing in." Never mind that the main reason Susan took this job was to get MJ into that school. How are they going to pay for that now? Susan says she'll find another job, but Mike isn't so optimistic. He says that he's going to take that job in Alaska. "No! No Alaska," says Susan stubbornly. "You'll be gone three months. You can't do that to MJ!" Mike: "Do what? Make an honest living? How much thought did you give MJ when you were dancing around in your underwear?" I don't know, Mike. How much thought did you give MJ when you weren't making people pay for your services and also refused to take your wife's money? Douche. Mike also points out that now that it's out around school, there's a good chance MJ will hear about it. "No, Susan. You don't get to make the decisions about what's best for this family anymore. I do. Take MJ trick or treating. I'm going to make this phone call." Ouch.

Paul and Beth arrive home from another date that was apparently a big success; Beth enjoyed hearing stories about Paul's childhood. "Can I give you an odd compliment?" she asks. "When you talk about the past it changes how you look. You're not so intimidating." I agree. When he was reminiscing about Mary Alice a few episodes ago I actually felt bad for him. Again, something that would actually be interesting to hear Mary Alice comment on. Paul appreciates the compliment so much that he leans in to kiss Beth, but she backs away to ask what he's doing. "I was responding to what I thought was a signal from you," says Paul. Defensively, Beth snaps that it wasn't a signal for him to jam his tongue down her throat.

"Beth, I'm not some kind of animal trying to satisfy its urges," he says. He tells her that he wants a real marriage with her, which sex is a part of, but which also entails having a partner. He goes in for the kill again, this time making contact with her lips, but it doesn't last long before she slaps him. They stare at each other, stunned for a moment, and then Paul snaps, "I want you gone by the end of the week!"

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On this All Hallow's Eve, Cowboy Carlos has candy duty at the Solis house, and apparently Penny and Allison have been roped into it at the Scavos'. But where things are really happening is at Renee's; her party is in full swing. The doorbell rings and Renee (dressed as Marilyn Monroe) answers it to find Bree (a cheerleader) and Keith (a biker) ready to party like it's 1999. Keith doesn't understand who Renee is supposed to be; his guess after she sings "Happy Birthday" a la Marilyn is Michelle Obama. Idiot. Also dated at this point in the show's timeline. Even if Obama gets another term, he'll have been out of office for almost a year at this point in the show. It would be like if someone dressed up as Laura Bush today. In other words, Keith is a moron. Also: both Renee and Bree realize this.

Back at the Scavos', Allison remarks that they're almost out of candy, but Tom says that they have extra in the kitchen. Allison's high pitched, childish voice is beginning to get on my nerves. Does that actress always speak like that or is this just special for her senile old lady bit? The doorbell rings and this time it's Gaby with the girls (who has to remind Celia to stop mooing since she's a cat. Ha!). Gaby reintroduces herself to Allison, who assumes that the princess must be Gaby's daughter. "No, my daughter's a dog. The dog! That dog!" Gaby babbles. Ugh. First of all, Gaby, you have TWO daughters there. Get a grip on reality. Second of all, how bad are Juanita's body image issues going to be by the time she hits puberty? That little girl is so pretty. Gaby really frustrates me sometimes. Even Juanita knows how bad this is, a fact that's only reinforced by Gaby taking a liberal armful of candy and dumping it into her bag.

Back inside, Allison again notes that they're almost out of candy. Unfortunately, this time Tom isn't there, and despite Penny's protestations that they have more candy "somewhere," Allison insists on heading out to the store. Penny looks concerned. Concerned enough to tell another adult? No.

Marilyn answers her door again only to find another Marilyn on the other side. It's Lee! There is absolutely no debate about who wore it better. I'll leave you to guess who.

Bree's in the living room getting refreshments when some sleazeball in a football uniform notices her. "Heeeey," he slurs drunkenly. "Thanks for cheering for me at the big game today." Bree plays along for a moment, more of a sport than I would be, but when middle aged football player continues to hit on her, she gets uncomfortable. She beckons Keith over and tells him what's going on. "Is that true? Are you bothering her?" he asks. The football player lies that they were just fooling around and walks away. Bree thanks Keith for being gallant and starts to talk about how no man has ever defended her that way before (except that Rex totally would have, and Orson definitely did. Remember when that creepy minister was going to lambaste her in front of the church and Orson told him off?). Anyway, it doesn't matter because Keith's not listening. He's too busy pursuing football man, demanding that he apologize to Bree. Keith starts to get physical, but Bree calls him off.

Upset, Keith stalks out of the house as Bree chases after him. He's ranting and raving about how angry!guy is who he is, and he's been arrested for it before. "So feel free to break up with me 'cause you know you want to," he says, and hoo boy, this martyr thing has got to be a turn on for Bree. "You can't be with a guy like me! Not the way you are with the controlled smile and your perfect house and your perfect lawn." Quickly, Bree points out that she's not as perfect as he thinks. "You wanna talk about my perfect lawn," she growls. "Nine years ago--" (WAY longer than that according to my timeline) "--my son found me face down drunk on it. That's true! He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up." Well, technically he didn't have to wake her up that way... Man, Andrew used to be such a little shit. I miss that sometimes. "Did you not know you were dating the biggest lush in Fairview?" she snaps.

With an honest little shrug (and this is really the first time I've remotely liked Keith), he says, "No, I didn't." Bree explains that they all have baggage, and she wants to know if Keith has any other skeletons in the closet. He says no, she's seen him at his worst. "Well I don't think I've seen anything I can't handle," she says. "How about you? You think you can deal with a control freak with a drinking problem." Keith doesn't answer; he just walks right up to Bree and plants a big kiss on her. I love the way it's shot. There's something really innocent about Bree in that silly Halloween costume, going up on her toes to kiss her boyfriend.

Tom, Porter and Parker are watching some gory movie on television, although I'm not sure why any of them are home. I mean, the boys are in their late teens; don't they have something better to do on Halloween? Even ignoring that, why isn't Tom at Renee's party with Lynette? Did she force him to stay home because she didn't trust his mom alone with the baby? If that's the case, it was a good call, because Penny wanders over to inform Tom that Allison walked to the store to get more candy and isn't back yet. Concerned, Tom asks the kids to listen for the baby. Parker asks if Allison is okay, and Tom says yes, but it's late for her to be out by herself. He hurries out of the house onto the insanely bustling street. Seriously, I have never seen a street so alive with the spirit of Halloween. He anxiously searches the crowd, but doesn't notice his mom sitting like a lost little girl on the curb.

Commercials.

Grace and Juanita pour their booty out on the floor, and Grace is super impressed with how much she got. Gaby, who is trying to cut gum out of Celia's costume for some reason (I mean, really, just take the damn thing off of her), says that Grace deserves it all for acting like a little model in her dress. Then the little suck up runs up to Gaby to give her a piece of her candy. Grace really lays it on thick. I can't quite believe that any child on this show is truly so wholly innocent. Juanita totally agrees with me too. After giving Grace a hug and ordering the girls to go easy on the candy, Gaby leaves to give Celia a bath.

Grace begins to pull at her tiara, unable to remove it from her hair. She calls for Gaby, but Juanita evilly smirks, "Oh that's all right. We don't need her. I'll take care of it." She picks up the scissors Gaby was using. Hehehe. If only Juanita was going to cut Gaby's hair.

In the bathroom, Gaby is trying to teach Celia that cats meow. The most Celia can manage is an oink. "Boy I really hope you marry well," says Gaby. Suddenly, there's shrieking from the living room. Gaby runs downstairs to find Juanita holding a huge chunk of Grace's hair and the tiara. "She was having a problem," says Juanita. "I fixed it." HEE! I LOVE Juanita.

Lynette (dressed as a flapper, complete with a short, dark wig) and Lee walk out of Renee's party, the former reassuring the latter that he's a much prettier Marilyn than Renee. Heh. Lynette's cell phone rings, and after a brief conversation, Lynette shoves her purse and phone into Lee's hands (for some reason) and takes off down the street.

Carlos was the one calling because he found Allison. She's huddled on his porch, clearly disoriented, and Lynette cautiously approaches her. "It's me," she says reassuringly (since clearly Allison doesn't know her at first). "Lynette?" asks Allison, pulling her daughter-in-law in for a hug. "Thank God!" Lynette murmurs platitudes to her like she's soothing a little kid, and Allison explains that she got lost while she was walking. She says she made it to Claire Graham's place, but the lights were out and she didn't know what to do. Lynette tries to tell her that there is no Claire Graham on the street, but Allison defensively snipes that there is. "Let's go home," says Lynette, trying to diffuse the situation. She tries to put her arm around Allison, but she yells at her to let go.

Just then, Tom comes ambling up the street, watching the scene unfold before him. "You're doing this to me," Allison accuses Lynette. "You're making me feel crazy." Lynette says that she's not, trying to take hold of Allison's hands, and Allison completely loses it. She slaps Lynette right across the face. Somehow, Tom doesn't immediately spring into action, but it's okay since Allison realizes that she shouldn't have done that. She apologizes to Lynette, turning and spotting Tom, and asking him to confirm that she's never done anything like that before. There is the most gorgeous shot of Lynette here, looking heartbroken and frightened and worried all at once as she watches her husband realize the truth. "It's okay, Mom," says Tom. "I'm here."

Cut to a close up on Beth's pet goldfish swimming aimlessly in its bowl. Beth is on the phone with her mother, relaying the story of how Paul kicked her out. She insists that she's trying everything to make it work with Paul, but she's unhappy and wants to come home. This apparently doesn't cut it for mommy dearest. Achingly, she agrees to stick it out and make it work.

Susan and MJ walk down the street hand-in-hand when Lee approaches them. He says that Paul insisted he ask again if Susan wants to sell her house to him. Susan says of course not, but then Lee mentions that Paul said Susan's circumstances have changed and a lightbulb goes off. She dumps MJ in Lee's care and, taking MJ's club, marches across the street.

Paul stupidly answers the door without checking to see who it is. He also manages to let Susan shove him into the house so she can barge in and attack. Screaming like a crazy person, Susan swings the club like a bat, breaking Paul's belongings as she chases him around the kitchen. Just as she's about to bash his head in like a muffin (although, really, how heavy am I supposed to believe the prop club of an eight-year-old is?), Beth appears with a gun. She shouts at Susan to leave Paul alone and get out of the house. Faced with a gun, Susan doesn't have much choice; she drops the bat and leaves.

Beth asks if Paul is okay and he says yes. Then, spurned on by either the phone call or the adrenaline, she starts to make out with him. Happy Halloween, Paul!

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A few days later, Juanita stares wistfully at her mother's jewelry box when Gaby storms into the room ranting about what a mess Juanita made of Grace's hair and how Carmen was pissed. "Fortunately that sweet little girl saw I was in a jam and said it was her idea," she snaps. "Of course she did!" says Juanita. I have never seen an eight-year-old with such athletic sarcasm. "Well thank God," says Gaby. "Otherwise she wouldn't be able to come here and play anymore." Whoops.

"Who cares?" asks Juanita, turning around to glare at her mom. Gaby sputters that Grace is Juanita's friend, but Juanita aptly points out that she's only known Grace a month. "But you love spending time with her," protests Gaby. "No," says Juanita. "You do. You're always talking to her, kissing her, staring at her. You like her better than me!" Okay, seriously, I just want to hug Juanita. Thank goodness she has Carlos, that's all I have to say. Gaby says that's ridiculous, but Juanita shouts, "Then why did you give her that necklace?! You don't even let me touch your jewelry! What's so special about Grace?!" About to burst into tears, Gaby has no answer for her daughter, and Juanita marches out of the room.

The hits just keep on coming for Gaby because Carlos has overheard this whole conversation. "This is bad," he says sternly. "She knows something is up. I think we should pull back. Stay away from Grace for awhile." This situation kills me. I think Carlos has every right to stand up for their daughter, but at the same time I also see why Gaby needs to have that connection with Grace. Yes, she could be handling it a lot better, but the whole scenario is genuinely frustrating and tragic. Gaby outright tells Carlos no, she'll just be more careful. "Gaby, we have to protect our daughter," says Carlos, but Gaby says they're both their daughters. But who is going to be hurt the most by all of this? Juanita.

Susan's boobs are packing Mike's bag as he heads off for Alaska. She's sad, but Mike says that this will get them enough money to get Paul out of their lives for good. Plus if he stays, he might kill Paul.

Over at the Scavos', Lynette and Allison are sitting out on the porch when Tom walks up and announces that they're all set to go. Allison is clearly bitter because she snaps that Tom is sending her to a nursing home, but he corrects her that it's assisted living and it's actually very nice. "Just tell me this, Tommy: after I go there, when do I get to leave? When do I get to go home?" she asks bitingly. Calmly, Tom says that they have to wait to see what the doctor says. Allison calls his bluff, saying that she's seen this happen to her friends and she's never going to come back.

"Mom," says Tom, gently approaching her. "I've talked to Peter and Theresa. We all agree. You can't live by yourself anymore." Finally. Tom's siblings are identified. I love having these little pieces of the puzzle fall into place. "If something bad were to happen to you," he adds, "we would never forgive ourselves." Allison doesn't care. She lays on the guilt as only a Catholic mom can, saying that the only bad thing happening to her is Tom sending her away. "Mom, I don't know what else to do," pleads Tom.

"When you called me at that camp," says Allison, turning to face her son, "and you were scared, you kept saying, 'I wanna come home, Mom.' And I said, 'Tommy, if you mean that, I'll come get you.' That's what you do." Wow. Standing, Allison heads for the car, leaving Tom to do nothing more than hold his wife's hand and try not to cry.

"The time comes when we all must find out what we're afraid of," says Mary Alice as the camera pans over the pumpkin-littered steps of the Scavos' porch. Tom heads down the stairs toward the car to take his mom away. "Some of us fear: 'She may never forgive me.'" Cut to Gaby, looking anxiously at Juanita. "Others worry: 'She might learn the truth.'" Next is Beth, staring at Paul. "A few wonder: 'Could he send me away?'" And finally we go to Susan and MJ, who say goodbye to Mike as he leaves for Alaska with the world's tiniest suitcase. "Yes, the world is a scary place. It's even more terrifying if we have to face it alone."

Well that episode was simply superb. The drama was top notch with just enough comedy to even it out. And there were some absolutely lovely scenes in that episode as well. A+ all around.

DH recap: Let Me Entertain You

Season Seven, Episode Five: "Let Me Entertain You"

Well, Mary Alice kicks off this week by talking about some woman no one has ever heard of or cared about on this show before. "Emma Graham was an ordinary woman," she tells us, though the woman tossing a salad on my screen is unlike any ordinary woman I've ever seen. "Overdone" would be the kind way to put it. Anyway, Emma has an extraordinary dream: to be known as more than just a wife, mother, and neighbor. So she announces to her husband that she wants to put on a cabaret show (this gets odd looks from both the husband and little girl playing her daughter, who looks so like a tiny, brunette Sally Draper that I'm going to be forced to IMDB her).

Cut to a nightclub where the whole neighborhood--sans Susan and Mike--has come out to see Emma's show. Emma's playing the piano and singing in a sultry voice, and while I will point out that Tom and Lynette seem to be getting along very well in this scene (just for future reference), the more hilarious place to focus your attention is Carlos. He looks absolutely unamused by this whole scene. After a long minute of singing, Emma is suddenly interrupted by Gaby and Renee bursting into the club in the middle of a fight. Lee tries to break them up, but just gets shoved out of the way for his effort, and then Renee punches Gaby in the nose. She pulls a full Marcia Brady and we cut to...

Wee little credits!

One week earlier. We get a close up on some lingerie, so of course we're with Susan, though the camera doesn't show her face at first. "She knew what she was doing was wrong," Mary Alice tells us. Cut to some high heels, and then Susan pulling up her stockings and ogling herself in the mirror. "She knew it was very dangerous. She knew the risks if people found out. But Susan Delfino was determined to get back to Wisteria Lane. And that was how her world began to fall apart." Am I supposed to be surprised that Susan's foray into the world of soft core porn would land her in hot water? Because I'm so not.

Susan introduces herself as Tonya to a man watching her on the computer. As you remember, she decided to start doing one-on-one sessions at the end of the last episode. While she's trying to take it nice and slow (drag out the hour), the man on screen quickly demands, "Show me your jugs." Susan laughs this off. "Aren't you a frisky little..." She pretends to notice some dirt on the floor and asks the man if he wants her to vacuum. "Sure," he agrees. "Right after you take out those tats and shake 'em." Ew. That's all I have to say. This is getting almost uncomfortably gross. And I said it before and I'll say it again, but this is also veering dangerously close to Lifetime movie territory. Remember that one where Jennifer Love Hewitt became a prostitute? That's what this reminds me of.

Again, Susan tries to laugh this off and convince the man that naughty talk would be better than her flashing her boobs. It will surprise no one that the man doesn't see eye-to-eye on this, though when Susan prompts him to discuss a fantasy, he does venture to ask if she's lactating. If only Lynette was there. This is the last straw for Susan. She calls him a pig and slaps the laptop shut.

Later, Maxine chastises Susan for being rude to such an important client. "The guy was a total perv," whines Susan, but Maxine is completely unsympathetic. "Susan, I can't keep giving you chances like this," she says. She turns to leave, but is interrupted by her cell phone ringing. It's some other perv asking for a private session with Tonya. Maxine informs him that Tonya no longer works for her; Susan takes this news with surprisingly good grace. Good. I would have lost even the tiny iota of respect that I have left for her if she had looked devastated.

Back on the Lane, Bree's boobs are no longer defying gravity as she and Keith arrive home from a date. She is completely dolled up in a shiny gold dress while he's dressed down in a plaid shirt and jeans. Subtle, show. Bree apologizes to Keith for not giving him a head's up about the formal restaurant, but Keith says he had a lot of fun. Then he gives her a kiss on the cheek. Ouch. Bree's feeling the pain too, actually directly asking Keith why he won't give her more than a quick peck. "I'm trying to treat you like a lady," says Keith. Bree: "Aw. That's sweet. Now knock it off!" And she plants a big ol' wet one on him. Just think: on first viewing I thought that this would be the strangest Bree scene of the night. How wrong I was.

The next day, the ladies are all gathered on Gaby's porch gushing over the fact that Bree had sex three times in one night. Bree: "The sex was amazing. It was like...How to describe it?...An opera!" Gaby: "You fell asleep during it?" HA! I do love Gaby. Bree continues to wax poetic about how fantastic the sex was--actually squealing with glee at one point--until Susan interrupts to point out that Renee is back from New York and heading for the porch. "Oh God, you invited her?" demands Gaby. "I know she's your friend, but isn't she kind of a self-absorbed, narcissistic diva?" Lynette: "Good point. We already have one of those." Hee.

Renee arrives, pops a bottle of champagne and announces they're going to celebrate her divorce. She starts to pour (even over Bree's protests that she's drinking iced tea--thank you, continuity), and invites the girls over for dinner. Gaby quickly accepts, but Bree, Lynette and Susan all beg off. "Well, I guess it's just you and me!" Renee says to Gaby. And as Lynette makes a big stink over how great that is, Gaby's face falls.

Later, Lynette is back home interviewing nannies. Tom comes downstairs and asks how it's going, and Lynette tells him that everyone is either too inexperienced or too expensive. "Hmm," says Tom. "What about the one with the boobs?" Season one, is that you? Seriously, guys, that is the EXACT reason you fired your first nanny. I'm going to pretend that Lynette's incredulous face is pointing out this very fact, although she doesn't actually say it.

Tom goes on to say that he found them one more applicant. "You took the initiative?" exclaims Lynette, genuinely surprised. Before Tom can explain, there's a knock at the door and Lynette goes to answer it. Tom preempts her to ask if she remembers how she used to hate yams, but then she tried them again and they weren't so bad. "And over time you realized, 'I like yams! Yams are great!' Well sometimes, Lynette, people are like yams." Suspicion fully aroused, Lynette bypasses Tom and peeks out the window. "Are you insane?" she gasps. Tom explains that he was talking to "her" on the phone about their problem last night and she volunteered. There's another knock, and Tom opens the door. His mother, Allison, is on the other side; they embrace while Lynette ponders why Allison couldn't have been a yam.

Can I say now that I would have enjoyed this plot more if Lynette hadn't demanded a nanny last week? I was going to save this rant for later in the recap, but I might as well give it now. I'm getting really tired how Tom and Lynette are being portrayed this season. They're becoming formulaic in much the same way Gaby was in season six, and it's annoying me. Tom does something clueless and immature; Lynette is insensitive; they patch things up at the end (or, worse, it's left completely unresolved and is never brought up again). It reminds me so much of season three (my least favorite season for these two characters) in the sense that so much of that season followed the same vein. There have been hints of it in seasons five and six as well, but not quite so consecutively as this season has been. I wish they would go back to writing Tom and Lynette as they were in the first couple of seasons (and season four, which also struck a good balance).

Really, it's just a matter of extremes. Yes, Tom has always been clueless, and Lynette has always been insensitive and demanding, but those traits were portrayed much softer earlier in the show. A prime example for me is the season two episode, "There Is No Other Way." Broken down in its simplest terms: Lynette unintentionally insults Tom at work; Tom overreacts; Lynette tells him to grow a pair; they make up and have awesome elevator sex. Sounds like any other episode, right? What I love about this one is that they both apologize to one another at different points in the episode. They both acknowledge they're wrong, and there is more than one conversation where they speak to each other like adults who are in a long-term, committed relationship. Lately, it all seems like one big story of "look at the ridiculous crap Lynette has to put up with" while wondering why Tom stays married to her. And I hate that. I hate it. Because this is my favorite couple. And yes, I can rationalize it, and yes, I can write fanfic that chronicles the missing scenes that would make this less of a parody of this couple, but I'm tired of doing that work.

What is saving this couple for me right now are the actors. From any interview I've ever seen or read with Felicity Huffman and Doug Savant, you can tell that the actors firmly believe in this couple as much as the viewers do. And because of that, they really affirm the love that these characters do have for each other in little ways: touches or looks that say, "Yes, we really do love each other." I am so grateful for that. It makes me feel like even if everyone else on the show (mainly the writers) gives up on this couple, the two of them will fight to the death for Tom and Lynette. It's the one thing I'm really clinging to right now.

This is what worries me (*spoiler alert*): in the coming weeks, that Tom/Renee backstory tease is going to come to the forefront of the plot. While I wasn't concerned about it at first, I'm beginning to fear that all of this discordance between the characters is actually leading somewhere terrible. Whatever the secret might be, I don't want my faith system with this couple to be shaken. And I really fear that's where this is leading: to some big revelation that is going to crush the history of these characters. Because, honestly, I think that the writers are stuck with Tom and Lynette. They don't know where to take them, so causing some big shake-up in their marriage is the only solution.

What I would like to see is something that is personally devastating for Tom, and Lynette has to stick by him. I love plots where these two are a team; when they work together to move past an obstacle. It would be fantastic if that was where this was leading, but I really doubt that's the case.

And this brings me back to my original thought: I wish they hadn't had Lynette demand a nanny last week. Instead, they could have had Tom subtly notice that Lynette was drowning and attempt to do something nice by asking his mom to come help out. And instead of having Lynette act ungrateful from the start, she could actually try to make an effort since Tom was trying to be nice. From there it could all blow up in their faces. That way we still get the drama, but it would be a nice reminder that this couple really does care about one another.

Sorry. That was a very long aside, but I'm worked up about this. Tom and Lynette are my favorite part of this show.

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Renee and Gaby are drinking and discussing Renee's tumultuous marriage. Apparently, Renee thinks that Doug might have cheated on her more than once, but then he bought her expensive jewelry so she let it slide. "Being married to a pro athlete...It must be a nightmare," says Gaby (of course the real joke being that Eva Longoria Parker is married to a pro basketball player Tony Parker).

Renee goes on to say that she thinks Gaby gets her since they're both extremely beautiful. Gaby: "God bless you for having the courage to say that." Ha. Never has a character been so built around being vapid as Gabrielle Solis. The girls start to discuss how they've used their beauty to get things (hell, you could do an entire Gaby montage of that), culminating with Renee mentioning that she slept with Doug's lawyer to get a better settlement. Of course, then she wants to know one of Gaby's secrets to make sure she stays mum. Apparently knowing about Gaby's baby switching drama is not enough. After some prodding, she gets Gaby to admit that she had a nose job. Gaby tells Renee that she can't tell anyone; Carlos is the only one who knows the truth. "Of course you can trust me," lies Renee. "I'm beautiful."

The next morning, Tom cheerfully enters his kitchen with a bright, "Good morning," but he bypasses his wife to give his mom a peck on the cheek. He backtracks to give Lynette a kiss too, but she shies away, reminding him that she's still not speaking to him. As Allison announces that Tom's breakfast will be ready in a minute, he sits down and obnoxiously taps his coffee cup with his finger. It is the equivalent of what a child would do before he could talk in order to get food. Good God, man. Get some dignity. That's almost as bad as Susan. His mother, however, gladly pours him some coffee.

Allison tells Tom that his scrambled eggs are ready, and Tom sighs that he was hoping for her French toast. At this point, Lynette can't take any more. "She made you eggs, Tom," she snaps. "Eat them." Allison, however, says it's no problem; "I'll fix it right up, Rodney." "Tommy, Mom," Tom easily corrects her. And that might be my favorite moment for the Scavo family this week. Just that tiny hint that Allison isn't all there anymore, but Tom and Lynette easily write it off as a slip of the tongue. Subtle brilliance.

Anyway, Allison shrugs it off too, saying that Tom looks so much like his dad, but before anyone can respond, the baby starts to cry. Allison scurries off to take care of Paige, and Tom can't help but rub it in. "Would you look at that? My mother is on top of it. And you get to sit," he says, giving her a friendly smack on the butt (see what I mean about the actors!), "and have coffee with the man who you kicked three times 'in your sleep' last night." Lynette actually does sit, but only to complain that while she can take Allison in small doses, she can't live with her full time. I'm proud of Tom for not mentioning that Lynette's mother lived with them for about six months at one point. Instead, he asks Lynette what her problem is: she says she loves Allison, his mom is great with the kids, so what's wrong? "I can't stand the person she turns you into," Lynette tells him. "You become this neanderthal while she's tripping over her apron strings to serve you." Tom, unsurprisingly, doesn't see the problem with this.

Suddenly, Allison pops back into the room, chirping that the baby's fine. Tom, again, holds up his coffee cup and taps it, and as his mother rushes to refill it, Lynette snipes, "Just know if you ever hold your coffee cup up to me, you will be tapping it with a stump." Heh. And totally deserved.

Mike is at the bank when Lee approaches him and tells Mike how much Paul and Beth are enjoying the Delfinos' house. He goes on to say that Paul wants to buy the house. Of course he does. You know, he really slipped up by letting Renee buy Edie's house before he did. Also, doesn't Lee find all this property acquisition nefarious? Regardless, Mike gets a little testy with Lee, saying that while he'll forgive Lee for renting their house to Paul (you could have asked who the renter was, douche), he doesn't appreciate Lee's further efforts on Paul's behalf. "You tell Paul the day his lease is up we're moving home," says Mike. Tough man.

Cut to Lee calling Paul. He tells Mr. Young the bad news. "You disappoint me, Lee," says Paul. Lee mentions that there are other houses, but Paul says he needs that one. Red flag, Lee! Jeez, man. Get a clue. Fortunately for Paul, he has another trick up his sleeve.

Back to Mike. He finishes making a deposit, but when he sees his new balance, he goes all bug-eyed. "Wait, this isn't right. We should have a lot more money in here." And then, hilariously, he leans over the counter as though to look at her computer. It's such an odd thing to do. Like, what, is she lying to him? Hahaha.

Susan is glumly staring at her jewelry while she's on the phone trying to find out how much certain pieces are worth. Suddenly, Lynette shows up with a gold necklace that she borrowed from Susan. Since Susan couldn't be subtle if she tried, Lynette picks up that something is wrong. Susan says she can't talk about it, so Lynette scurries off to find her a tissue.

As soon as Lynette is out of the room, Mike bursts in and asks if Susan knows anything about their depleted account. Susan says that she took the money out as Lynette pops out, eavesdropping. While Susan sputters for an excuse, Lynette butts in and lies that Susan lent the money to her. "We had some bills from Paige's birth that weren't covered by insurance and Susan very kindly offered to help us out." Well, I can think of a million things wrong with that story that Mike is apparently too stupid to pick up on. For instance, how about the fact that Paige was born on Eddie's gross old couch? And wouldn't he question why Lynette couldn't go to one of their richer friends? I mean, Gaby, Bree and Renee ALL have more money than Susan. This story makes no sense. Mike's not the sharpest tool in the shed, though, because he totally buys this (although at least he has the decency to look annoyed). Susan says that Lynette is going to pay it back by Friday, and, with nothing else to say, Mike leaves to go back to work.

"Thank you so much," says Susan, giving Lynette a big hug. Lynette asks if there's anything Susan wants to tell her. "Yeah," sniffles Susan. "But promise you won't yell." Oh Susan. Have you met Lynette.

Cut to Lynette yelling: "You did porn on the internet?!" Susan sputters explanations (emphasizing how she never got nude), but Lynette isn't impressed. She points out that Mike or Susan's kids could find out, but that just raises Susan's ire. "It is really easy for you to come down here from your five bedroom house in the suburbs and criticize me," shouts Susan (except it's totally well established that there are only four bedrooms in the Scavo house; it has got to be super crowded there). "I am not on Wisteria Lane anymore! Look at what Mike and I are trying to climb out of! We can't even afford hot lunches for MJ at school. So just think about that next time you wanna judge me!" Oh my God. You mean all this time MJ had to brown bag it? Well holy shit. That just totally justifies EVERYTHING Susan has been doing. I am so sorry for ever judging you, Susan. I understand now. It is one hundred percent acceptable. As long as MJ can go back to buying gross cafeteria food, you do whatever you need to.

Lynette is much more moved by Susan's little speech that I am. She tells Susan that she's done judging her and back to being a friend. "I'm sorry you had to do that," she says, as though Susan really had no choice. I'm sorry. If Susan needed a second job there are a lot of other things she could have done. What this boils down to is that SHE wants her status back and she wants it back as fast as possible. So get off your high horse, Susan.

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There is a knock at Renee's door. It's her ex-husband, Doug, with a big bouquet of flowers. "I'd invite you in, but it's late and I hate you," says Renee. HA! She is good with the zings. Doug insists that he flew all that way just to see her, so Renee reluctantly lets him in. "I miss you," says Doug as soon as he's inside. He goes on to say that the affair was a stupid mistake and that he wants Renee back. Renee seems to have a bit of a spine; she tells Doug that she's actually happy in Fairview and she's getting a fresh start. "Come on," scoffs Doug. "You can't be happy here in Mayberry. You were made for Manhattan." Then he whips out a huge ring and tells Renee to give them a second chance.

Down the street, Bree and Keith arrive home from another date. This time, Bree is going on and on about the symbolism of some angel in a play they saw. Keith has no idea what the angel represents, but he did have a good time trying to spot the wires. Heh. Bree heads toward the kitchen to find some dessert, still yammering on about the angel, but when she turns to face Keith, he's standing naked in the doorway. "Oh my," she sighs. I am totally distracted by the off-color patch of skin on Keith's chest. What is that? It's weird.

Cut to Bree falling back in ecstasy on the kitchen table. From there, we cut to the stairs. "That'll teach me to let you walk up behind me on the stairs," she breathes. Hahaha. Suddenly she realizes that Keith is erect again. Cut to the shower. As Bree's rinsing off, Keith opens the door and says hi. "Please tell me you're here to stab me," begs Bree. Hahahaha. Excellent. Keith just steps inside while Bree looks terrified.

The next day, Bree hobbles into the living room with a tray of snacks for her friends. It's very obvious that she's tender down there, and I never, ever thought I would write that sentence about Bree. "I guess someone was with Keith last night," laughs Gaby. "It's not funny!" says Bree. "Six hours we had sex! I feel like the Holland Tunnel." HA! Even Gaby is astonished by this one. She makes the very valid point that Bree should have said she needed a break. Bree says that if she did that, Keith would think she's a old woman. There's a knock at the door, and Bree limps over while Lynette and Gaby exchange "I wish I had her problem" looks.

Turns out that it's Renee at the door. She's all giddy to announce that Doug showed up the night before to ask for her back. "But he cheated on you!" says Gaby, one of the two other women here who eventually took back her cheating husband. Also, Gaby and Bree have both cheated on husbands who took them back too. If anyone should realize the world isn't so black and white...

Anyway, Renee starts to make excuses for Doug and says that after ten years she should give him another chance. Lynette (oddly, considering how inexcusable she really does view this subject) and Bree agree that she should go for it, but Gaby proclaims that this is insane. Seriously, pot calling the kettle black. The argument between Gaby and Renee escalates until Renee tells Gaby to keep her "fake nose out of it." Wow. I really thought Gaby would slip up first.

Bree's face is absolutely hilarious. While Lynette just looks suspicious, Bree actually leans forward and crinkles her face like she's trying to examine Gaby's nose. It's awesome. "Gabrielle Solis, did you have a nose job?" she asks. Gaby tries to change the subject back to Renee, but Bree is fixated on the fact that Gaby has been bragging about her looks for years. "I never bragged," lies Gaby. Lynette: "You once called your face proof of God's existence." HA! "And now we find out you've had plastic surgery. Ooh, this changes everything!" And really, the way Lynette says this is more teasing than anything, but Gaby is completely affronted. She tries to say that the surgery wasn't cosmetic, but can't make the lie believable. "You will regret this," she growls at Renee, and she storms out of the house, even as Lynette calls for her not to get her nose out of joint. And then she and Bree high five. Heh.

Commercials.

Bree is practically asleep on her kitchen table when Mary Alice pops up to say, "Bree Van de Kamp had a problem. Her boyfriend's sexual appetite was proving to be exhausting. And then, out of the blue, Bree came up with a solution. Since Keith's demands were overwhelming her, why not make some overwhelming demands of her own?" Cut to Bree handing Keith a long list of things to do around the house. He says he can get it done by Friday, but she says that it all has to be done that day. Oh Bree.

Over at the Scavos', Lynette hands Tom a bag of cookies that his mom baked for his trip. "Macaroons?" Tom asks excitedly, but Lynette says, no, they're oatmeal raisin. "Oh. Those are my dad's favorites." Subtle hint number 2. Lynette teases him about trading cookies with another boy on the plane, but Tom says that she has to admit that his mom has been great with the baby. "She has been great," agrees Lynette. "You were right. I was wrong." Tom: "Oh, if only these were macaroons, this would be the best day of my life." Hee! Laughing, Lynette tells him to call her when he lands, they kiss goodbye and Tom leaves. See, cute scene!

Lynette heads into the kitchen to sit down to dinner with her family. Allison offhandedly mentions that Tom said Lynette would be going back to work. "I must say, I don't understand that," says Allison. They cut to a reaction shot from Lynette, but boy do I wish we could see the kids' faces. Lynette, diplomatically, just says, "Well, that's okay." For a second, it seems like everything will be fine, but then one of the twins holds up his glass and pulls a Tom. Lynette tells him that his grandmother is not there to serve him, but this only prompts the same action from both of the other boys. Allison tells Penny to get the boys their sodas while she gets the meatloaf. "Why?" demands Penny awesomely, but Allison says that they have to take care of their men. Penny actually stands up to do as her grandmother says, but Lynette calmly says, "Penny, sit. You boys want a drink, get up and get it." Hell yeah.

"They had such a long day," says Allison. "Classes and then their after school sports." Is Preston even in college? That hasn't been addressed since the Irina fiasco. Lynette, clearly on the verge of losing it, says the men in her house get off their asses and help themselves. "When did it become a sin to take care of your family?" asks Allison, oblivious to the fact that she's pushing Lynette's buttons. "You modern women, you just plop out a baby and then you can't wait to get back to your silly careers." DANGER! DANGER! Not to mention that after she had the first four she didn't go back to work until Tom basically forced her too. But Grandma has dementia, so we'll let it slide. "I took care of my boys," continues Allison. "When my husband came home there was a hot meal waiting for him on the table. He never wanted for anything."

"Yeah, and how did that work out for you?" asks Lynette, acting rashly. "He had an affair and left." Wow, he left? After all those years? See what you miss by not mentioning Tom's parents for six years, show? The children are completely stunned by their mother's words. They are giving her the dirtiest looks imaginable. Allison quietly leaves the room, and Lynette just gives a little shrug and says, "Damn it." Love it. So much with so little.

That night, Bree is in bed reading when Keith enters and proclaims that every part of his body hurts. Bree offers to let him stay there, but when they cuddle down together it only takes Keith about five seconds to become aroused. "You said every part of your body was sore," says Bree, but Keith amends that to say that one part is okay. Finally, Bree is fed up. She leaps out of bed and declares that she "can no longer keep up with [him] and [his] Woody Woodpecker sex drive." Woody Woodpecker had a sex drive? I'll never view that cartoon the same way again. Keith is confused, so Bree spells it out: she's old and doesn't have his stamina.

Keith gets out of bed, arguing that he's the one who can't keep up. Bree speaks French and wants to discuss symbolism, things he can't do. "You're ten times smarter than me," he says (grammatically it should be "I." Bad time to point that out?). "That's why I keep sexing you up. I'm trying to keep you interested." Aw, that's almost sweet. You know, if I cared about him at all. "Make no mistake, I am interested," says Bree. "I love when I am prattling on about the meaning of the angel, you notice the wires. You have your own way of seeing the world and it's fun and down-to-earth and everything I'm not." Now that is sweet, especially coming from Bree. Keith realizes that Bree likes him the way he is. They kiss and agree to actually sleep through the night.

Commercials.

Tom arrives home from his business trip to find a stranger on the couch holding Paige. She introduces herself as Jenny, the new nanny, and before Tom can respond, Lynette bounds down the stairs with an appeasing smile on her face. "Yeah, isn't it great?" she enthuses. "I offered her a little more money and she took the job." Then, as an aside to Tom, "She's the one with the boobs." Tom is not amused. He asks Lynette if he can talk to her upstairs, but then tells her he'll meet her up there.

A few minutes later, Tom comes into the bedroom and tells Lynette he fired Jenny. Oh boy. "What? You had no right to do that!" snaps Lynette, but Tom counters that Lynette had no right to make his mom feel unwelcome in his house. So, wait. Did Tom talk to Allison at some point? Did Jenny the nanny somehow tell him what went down? Did he run into one of the kids? And where does this fall compared to Lynette actually kicking his father out of the house? I suppose he could just mean generally unwelcome by hiring the new nanny, but this seems rather specific. I don't know. "She just wanted to be a part of this family," he growls.

"Tom, I love your mother," yells Lynette. "And if this were 1955, I would be so on board with her parenting techniques, but I will not let her raise our children to turn out like--" Again, DANGER! "Whoa, whoa," says Tom. "Finish that sentence. Turn out like me?" "No, no," says Lynette, trying to backtrack. "I didn't say that. But, wait, let's be honest, when we first met, you thought there were only two roles for women: making a cake or jumping out of one." Really? If that's the case then Tom came a HUGE way from how he was when they met to how he was in season one. I just have a bit of a hard time reconciling a guy who has a wife like Lynette and is such a hands-on dad with a guy that would have been that backwards. Am I supposed to believe Lynette changed him? Or did he change because she showed him how independent a woman could be? Of course, Lynette has a tendency to exaggerate in the heat of the moment, but my mind is still a little bit blown by this, and it's going to force me to rethink a bit how Tom was pre-series.

"For our entire marriage, you have been the one to make the decisions: 'I'm going back to work. I'm hiring a nanny.' Well this time, I am making the decision: she stays." Wow. Look at Tom putting his foot down. I really think, though, that Lynette would have been better served by pointing out that his mother was making Penny subservient to her brothers. To me, the gender imbalance would have been more pronounced for Tom if Lynette had shown him exactly how it was affecting their children. But, you know, maybe she did. We'll never know, because the scene ends there and goes to...

...Susan, actually at school for once. The bell rings and the kids just start to put their supplies away (As if. Ineffective time management, Susan), and then Susan's cell phone rings. It's Maxine, and she wants Susan back for one last job. Some guy has been offering her big bucks for a private session with Tonya. Well I wonder who that could be.

Finally, we're caught up to the teaser of this episode. Emma Graham is chatting up Gaby at the bar, but Gaby couldn't care less. She's still bitter about Renee spilling her secret. Emma leaves to go get ready, and Carlos tries to convince Gaby to come sit down with their friends. "No! I'm sick of Lynette making those Cyrano de Bergerac jokes. Whoever she was." Carlos: "He. And maybe they are just teasing you." Is it wrong how much I love that the show plays up the intellectual disparities between the characters sometimes? I like that they're all still friends despite the glaring differences in their educations. And I like that (usually) the couplings match where the friends might not. For instance, Bree and Orson and Bree and Rex were clearly on the same page; Susan and Mike also seem to be on par and Tom and Lynette too (those two do the best silent communication when they get something that goes over another character's head). Carlos and Gaby are the only couple that's really not matched (excluding Bree and Keith, who I don't think will last), and it has been somewhat of a power struggle for them in the past. Just something that I've always found interesting.

Anyway, Gaby points out that her "thing" was her natural beauty. "Like Susan's an artist, Lynette's a great businesswoman, Bree's the perfect homemaker. I was the beautiful one. Now I'm just the plastic one." Heh. Also, Bree made a similar speech to Katherine back in season four. It's interesting to see how they view each other and themselves. Just then, Renee enters on Doug's arm and Gaby spots them. She tells Carlos how much she wants to smack Renee; Carlos just shuts his eyes and prays for the night to end.

Renee is gushing to Doug about how great it is to be with him. He says it's great to be with her. Kissy kissy.

Back at the bar, Karen and Lee (what an odd pairing) come up to Gaby and mock her too. Gaby, now very drunk and angry, doesn't hesitate to grab the free bottle of champagne the bar is offering Doug and take it to his table. Why the hell did Carlos leave her alone? He should foresee this kind of thing. Gaby stumbles up to the table, announces that Renee slept with Doug's lawyer, and then stumbles away. Heh. Doug asks if it's true, and when Renee doesn't deny it, he storms off.

Cue a man announcing Emma's performance. Gaby is cheering for her loudly when Renee comes over and drags her outside. "Why the hell would you tell him that?" she demands. She says that her marriage trumps Gaby's nose and then calls Gaby's life pathetic. "I'm pathetic?" shouts Gaby. "Hey, what do you call a girl who sleeps with a guy for eight million dollars?"

A few seconds later, Gaby and Renee come tumbling into the bar and we're back to the opening. Lee jumps in; Gaby gets punched; Lynette gasps while Carlos does nothing.

Commercials.

The next day (I assume), Renee is drinking coffee and wearing the biggest necklace ever when her phone rings. It's Doug. He's calling to say that he's been thinking, and as far as he can tell, they're even now. He still wants her back.

Over at the Scavo house, Allison sits at the kitchen table when Lynette comes in. They stare at one another awkwardly for a moment, and then Lynette walks over to get the coffee pot. She sits down next to her mother-in-law and pours a cup. "I am so sorry for saying those things about your husband," says Lynette sincerely. I wish I could see a whole scene where these two discuss marriage because it intrigues me. Allison apologizes too, but Lynette waves it off. "It just felt so nice to feel useful again," says Allison. "You are useful," agrees Lynette. "And I really need you here. Especially when I go back to work."

"You know," says Allison, "the kitchen is my favorite room in the house. The family sits together here, you get to cook for them and make them happy. And I just don't understand why you would ever want to give all that up to go out there." Ah jeez. This is just...excellent. That's all there is to it. Lynette, teary-eyed, can only sigh, "It's just who I am." God, I love it. Lynette's struggle to be a mother and a businesswoman is absolutely fascinating to me, even after all of these years. Allison nods, probably acknowledging this more than understanding it, when Penny comes in and says the baby is crying. Lynette gives Allison a kiss on the cheek and goes to deal with Paige.

Penny bites into one of the delicious-looking cookies sitting out on the table when her grandmother turns to her with a dreamy look. "I'm so sorry, what's your name again?" she asks. Penny, confused, tells her who she is, but then Allison asks if Penny lives there. Now Penny may only be 11 (ahem, 13), but she knows something is up.

Outside, Renee and Gaby approach each other. Each has an apology gift, roses and chocolates, respectively. Renee tells Gaby that she decided not to take Doug back, but she's keeping the ring he gave her. She also thanks Gaby for being a real friend, and then they walk down the street together, arms linked.

Susan's getting ready for her second private show by drinking. Smart move. She turns on the camera, but no one is there. After a second, a hand pops onto screen and waves to her, and Susan is actually fooled into thinking that this perv is shy like her. She tries to bond over that fact, but suddenly the man sits down in front of the screen. Surprise, surprise (not), it's Paul Young. Susan screams and literally jumps away from the computer like Paul is going to attack her. HA! Also: how did she not recognize her own house? Susan covers herself up and hesitantly approaches the screen again.

"I'm glad you put your robe back on. I hate to see you debasing yourself," says Paul. Haha. Susan wants to know what he wants, but of course it's obvious: he wants her house. She says it's not for sale, but Paul is willing to blackmail her. He subtly hints that if she doesn't do what he wants, he's going to blab her secret life to everyone. Well that sucks. "You son of a bitch," says Susan. Paul tells her to take a couple of days to think about it and signs off.

"He knew what he was doing was wrong," says Mary Alice as Paul creepily strokes the big poster of Susan that he stole last week. "He knew it was very dangerous." Paul walks outside and surveys the neighborhood with a big grin. "He knew the risks if people found out, but Paul Young wanted to punish those who had betrayed him. So he had a plan that would set neighbor against neighbor and friend against friend. And it was a plan that was going to succeed." How ominous. Now, see, here is where I wondered if he was going to get between marriages too. Like, if he's really planning to take over the whole neighborhood, is he going to drive wedges in between the Scavos and the Solises by figuring out their secrets (Tom and whatever he and Renee did, and Gaby and the truth about Juanita's death)? Or will he blackmail them too for their homes? If he messes with those couples, I will hurt him. I don't care if he's a fictional character.

Well that was a very good episode, and I actually enjoyed it more on my second viewing. I'd give it a solid A this week.