DH recap: I Guess This Is Goodbye

Season Six, Episode Twenty-Three: "I Guess This Is Goodbye"

Well here we are: the finale. The episode I was counting down the minutes until it began. Fortunately, it begins exactly where I want it to: in Eddie's house just after his horrible confession. "In those first awful moments," Mary Alice explains as Lynette stares in blank terror, "all Lynette Scavo could think of were her children." Cue a series of flashbacks because what would a Mary Alice narration be without those? "The moment her daughter began to walk," --Penny toddles toward Lynette-- "the day her son won the spelling bee," --Parker runs in the house with a trophy and I am beyond ecstatic to report that it's Zane Huett playing Parker; they brought back him and the Kinsman twins for these flashbacks and it's so wonderful to see them. Now, granted, the presence of Zane Huett in particular brings up how little Joshua Logan Moore resembles him, but still! I love that kid! Even with his unfortunate shaggy haircut! Anyway, back to Mary Alice-- "and that time her twins scared her with a frog." The twins, younger and sweeter and cuter, pop out with a big frog in their hands and laugh. Back in the present, Lynette is still lost in her own thoughts as Eddie paces the room. "Yes," Mary Alice says, "this is what Lynette thought about while a disturbed young man was holding her hostage."

Slowly, Lynette comes out of her daze and finally begins to talk to Eddie, who insists that he needs time to think. "I know that you must be scared," says Lynette in her most soothing voice, "but I am your friend, Eddie. I want to help." Eddie doesn't think she can, but Lynette insists that she can go to the cops and tell them all about how Eddie's mom was a mean, abusive drunk. As she says this, Lynette steps closer to Eddie as though to comfort him, but then she literally stumbles back when Eddie says, "What about the others?"

Suddenly Lynette realizes that Eddie is responsible for all of the killings and she's terrified all over again. "Look, I don't want to hurt you," says Eddie, picking up his bag and car keys. "We'll drive until we're in the middle of nowhere. I'll drop you off and by the time you find anyone to tell I'll be gone." Lynette holds up a hand, literally trembling and fighting tears. "I can't go anywhere," she says. Then Mary Alice breaks back in to say, "Yes, all Lynette could think about were her children." As Mary Alice says this, Lynette slowly shakes her head and builds up to this perfect, horrifying moment where she tells Eddie that her water just broke. It's even more effective without the Mary Alice narration as it's shown in this sneak peek. Felicity Huffman does a superb job in this moment and because of that Mary Alice's words aren't even really necessary. But she comes back in anyway to say, "Especially the child she was about to give birth to."

Wee little credits. For the last time this season!

A nurse pushes an elderly woman in a wheelchair while Mary Alice actually gives some useful narration: "Teresa Pruitt used to be a nurse. For thirty-three years she worked in the maternity ward at Fairview Memorial Hospital." Oh, and here we go again; I guess Mary Alice is eager to get in all the flashbacks she can in this finale. A younger Teresa hands Susan a baby and if the blue blanket is any indication, it's MJ. "She spent her days caring for newborn infants," Mary Alice explains. Then the shot cuts to Gaby giving one of her girls a bath as Teresa observes. "And looking after brand new mothers." Finally the shot goes to a sleeping Lynette while Teresa gives one of her babies a bottle. Again, blue blankets, so Parker maybe? "It was a job she had loved with all her heart, but that was many years ago. Now Teresa Pruitt was back at Fairview Memorial, but this time as a patient." Back in the present, the nurse and Teresa arrive at Teresa's room; then the shot cuts to Teresa in bed. "A patient with a secret," says Mary Alice ominously.

A priest enters Teresa's room and greets her. They make a little small talk about how brave Teresa is in the face of death, but Teresa really called him there to confess her secret. And not in the traditional confession sense because she specifically tells the priest that she wants him to scream it to the rafters. "I did something awful," she says. "...the people who run this hospital need to know what I did because they have to make it right." Instantly my mother began to shout out about baby switching and I had to agree. I mean, honestly, this show has pulled out every other soap opera plot device in the book; it's about time there was a baby switch. The only question is who and why.

Cut to a different wing of the hospital. Gaby bursts in wearing a hideous gold jacket and runs up to a nurse to ask to see Nick. The nurse politely tells Gaby that visiting hours don't start until nine, but of course that doesn't fly with Gaby. In true Gaby fashion, she immediately tries to bribe the nurse with twelve dollars which quickly turns into two when she realizes she needs ten for parking. Suffice it to say, the nurse isn't going to take the bribe. Defeated, Gaby heads back to the elevator just as another nurse appears and tells nurse number one that she's needed elsewhere. Sensing a new opportunity, Gaby sticks a piece of gum in her mouth and approaches the new nurse.

"Hey, you with the ponytail! I gotta see Nick Bolen," says Gaby doing her best Angie impression. The accent and the gum chewing make for a hilarious caricature that I think is only enhanced by how much Gaby is not that person. The nurse asks if Gaby is family; Gaby lies and says she's Angie. "Really? Well then who's that blond lady who's been here?" asks the nurse. "His whore? She was here? Oh, I'm having her whacked!" HA! The nurse quickly tries to calm Gaby down by saying that she might be wrong; she suggests that she call her supervisor. "Do I look like I got time for supervisors?" asks Gaby. "I got sauce on the stove, ziti in the oven and a mustache that needs to get bleached! Let's go! Come on! Let's go!" Hee! Kudos to Eva Longoria Parker on that scene; it is by far and away the funniest moment of the episode.

The camera slowly pans up Tom's sleeping form. He's still fully dressed down to his shoes, half-covered with a blanket and snoring away on the couch. He suddenly awakens when Porter sticks a cup of coffee under his nose. I swear as I rewind this multiple times that he says, "Thank you, Parker," but I'm not sure if 1) that's an intention mess-up to further show how hungover Tom is; 2) Doug Savant just getting his Ps mixed up; or 3) my poor hearing. Anyway, Tom slowly sits up and asks, "Did we get hammered last night or what?" Porter shakes his head disapprovingly and reminds Tom that he was the only one who got drunk; he and Preston just followed him around and apologized to everyone. HA! "Another thing we won't be telling your mom," mumbles Tom in a low, sleepy voice. "Hey, do you think I woke her up when I came in?" Porter: "When you came in? No. When you jumped up on the coffee table and sang 'Margaritaville'? Maybe." Hehehe.

Preston thumps down the stairs and reports to Tom that he just went to check on Lynette and she wasn't there. More bad news: the bed looks like it wasn't even slept in. Tom's face falls. "Oh God," he says. "She did hear me. She must have stormed out of here first thing!" "But why didn't she wake you up and yell at you?" asks Porter with a big, goofy grin. Apparently he knows his mom too well. Tom's eyes widen; "Have I been stabbed?" he asks as he feels his chest. Well, that scene serves a twofold purpose of injecting more comedy into a primarily dramatic episode while simultaneously giving an explanation as to why Tom doesn't realize that Lynette is in trouble. I realize that. In context of the rest of the episode and its purpose in the plot I accept that. As a Tom/Lynette fan, I do wish that we'd gotten to see it go the route of Tom's utter anxiety about the disappearance of his wife, but que sera sera. Although I would like to point out that it's very odd that neither Parker nor Penny realizes that Lynette never came home.

Over at the Hodges, Bree cooks breakfast when Andrew and Orson enter the room. "You're back," observes Orson. "What happened with Sam?" Andrew: "Yeah, did you tell him his services were no longer needed?" I'm confused. The Sam confrontation would have been the day before; has Orson not seen Bree since yesterday? Is this another case of a husband not knowing the whereabouts of his wife? Could this more completely contradict my post-ep fanfic from last week? Not likely. Bree informs the boys that she tried to fire Sam but he responded by blackmailing her. "He knows what happened to Mrs. Solis," says Bree, staring at Andrew pointedly. The blood drains from Andrew's face, but Orson doesn't understand. He thinks Bree is referring to Gaby. "I'm talking about Carlos' mother," says Bree. "Ten years ago she died after being hit by a car that Andrew was driving." Finally, Orson understands.

Bree goes on to explain that Danielle was the one who blurted out the secret as some lame form of bonding (remember when she tried to bond with Matthew Applewhite the same way?). "Wait a minute," says Orson. "You never told Carlos and Gaby?" Bree: "Of course not! It would have destroyed the friendship. Not to mention Carlos would have sent Andrew to jail." Andrew asks what Sam wants; Bree tells them and also adds that she's decided to give in to Sam's demands. "Are you crazy?" asks Andrew. Calmly, Bree explains her reasoning, which is primarily that she doesn't want Andrew to go to jail, but Andrew tells her that maybe it's time he paid for what he did. "Absolutely not!" says Bree. Orson tries to interject and say that if Andrew wants to confess that she should let him, but Bree puts her foot down. "Orson, this is really just between me and my son. Would you mind?" With a heartbroken look, Orson wheels out of the room.

Back at the hospital, Gaby throws a glass of water in Nick's face to wake him up. "What's going on?" he asks sleepily. "Why am I wet?" Quickly, Gaby crumples the Dixie cup in her fist to get rid of the evidence. Without further ado, she launches into an explanation of why she's there and even shows Nick the note Angie sent her. "There was a guy with her! He said he was her brother," Gaby says when Nick doesn't instantly understand. For some reason that, finally, catches Nick up. "She doesn't have a brother," he says. Man, he must have been an ace detective, let me tell you. "Is it Patrick Logan?" asks Gaby and this launches into a recap of how Angie told her all about Patrick on their little jaunt to New York. Nick struggles to get out of bed and Gaby panics; "Why can't we just call the cops?" she asks. "Because the second Patrick Logan feels cornered, Angie and Danny are dead." Suddenly he gets woozy; he tells Gaby that she's going to need to help him. Reluctantly, Gaby agrees.

In more Bolen action, Angie's bomb is all done and sitting prettily in front of Patrick. "When you push the detonator you've got thirty seconds 'til it blows," she explains as Patrick grins like a fool. "You got what you wanted. You gonna let us go now?" Well of course not. He tells Angie that she's going to come with him to Oregon just in case the bomb is a dud; Patrick doesn't exactly trust Angie any more. He won't even let Danny go because he wants to be able to kill both him and Angie if the bomb doesn't work. Father of the year right here, folks. "So, you sure you're done?" he asks. Angie says she'll take another look.

Commercials.

In an effort to move out more quickly than any other couple in the history of the world, Susan and Mike are having a yard sale. As Susan brings out some golf clubs to add to the mix, Roy approaches her with a toy T-Rex and says that he wants to buy it for his grandson who is visiting. "How 'bout we give you a hundred bucks?" asks Karen sweetly. Susan points out that the tag says fifty cents, but Karen wants to help out. "Thank you, but we're not looking for a handout. Just a hand," says Susan as she gives Karen a peck on the cheek.

Mike brings out another box and tells Susan that Lee just called; he found a renter for them. Susan lies that she's excited, but before Mike can respond another neighbor asks Susan how much she wants for her dining room set. Susan tells her three hundred and immediately the neighbor starts to haggle; she wants it for fifty dollars. What a cheapskate. "I thought you weren't looking for a handout, just a hand," the neighbor says when Susan makes a face. "That's not a hand, that's a finger," says Susan. HA! The neighbor continues to try to talk the price down, even after Karen interjects to tell her to have a heart. At this point, Susan finally loses her cool and kicks the woman off of her property. In the spirit of a child, the woman steps onto the sidewalk and points out that she's no longer on Susan's property. Rightfully, Susan launches into a pissed off speech that ends with this gem: "If you don't get out of my face I'm going to ram this Thighmaster down your throat." Finally the neighbor agrees to pay the three hundred. Mike looks concerned. Or constipated. I can't tell.

Back at Eddie's, he's found Lynette some aspirin in a misguided thought that that will help with her labor pains; Lynette, now in the throes of labor, is quick to point out that won't work. "I need you to take me to a hospital," she insists. "No, you'll tell someone about me!" says Eddie. Poor Lynette, who is in so much pain she's pulling her hair, groans, "Eddie, I swear to God I don't care about you right now. All I care about is this baby. Please."

Outside, Tom pulls up in the family hearse. Okay, not really, it's just that ugly ass car the Scavos have owned since season five. Over the phone Tom explains to Porter that he found Lynette (he recognizes her car) and that if he's not home in fifteen minutes it means that Lynette didn't accept his apology and "it was fun being your dad." Heh!

Back inside, Eddie finally agrees to take Lynette to the hospital, and he helps her get to her feet. And with his usual impeccable timing, Tom chooses that moment to knock on the door. "Eddie, it's Tom!" he calls and in a split second, Lynette's face lights up and she goes to scream to her husband. Eddie, fast as lightning, wraps an arm around her neck and covers her mouth with his other hand. "I need to talk to Lynette!" Tom continues. Although Lynette is obviously trying and failing to scream to her husband, Eddie still hisses at her to be quiet. "Honey, I can see your car! I know you're in there. Lynette?" Suddenly another contraction starts and as Lynette convulses in pain, she and Eddie lose their footing and fall back on the couch; Eddie manages to maintain his grip on her, though. As Lynette clutches a pillow and silently moans, Tom yells, "Okay, I get it! You're giving me the silent treatment. Well when you cool off I will be home with a gigantic bouquet of your favorite flowers." As much as I want to see Tom kick down the door and rescue his wife, unfortunately it's not in the cards. Tom leaves and slowly Eddie releases Lynette.

Lynette is half-crying, half-moaning as Eddie makes pathetic apologies. "I had to do it," he says, but then to make up for it he promises to take Lynette to the hospital. "It's too late," she says miserably. "This baby is coming now and you have to help me deliver it."

Commercials.

Back at the hospital, an administrator is in his office when the priest from earlier enters the room. He informs the man, a Mr. Chase, that Teresa Pruitt is dead (but we hardly knew, ye, baby switcher!) and that on her deathbed she confessed something to him. Mr. Chase points out confession is supposed to be confidential, but the priest says Teresa wanted him to know. But we don't get the pleasure, apparently, because the show cuts away then and goes back to Susan who sits in her near-empty living room counting money.

"Hey lady," Mike greets as he comes into the room, "unless you want to get carried into the truck you better get off that chair." Susan gives him a disdainful look and I can't blame her. Just then MJ runs into the room and asks if anyone has seen his T-Rex. "No, honey, we sold it to Roy," says Susan. "No!" MJ whines. Susan: "Yeah. You put him in the sale pile." MJ: "What's a sale pile?" Oh boy. This kid really never does win, does he? Mike and Susan exchange worried looks and Mike explains that MJ can't get T-Rex back because they sold him. "We're getting it back!" Susan butts in, leaping up from her seat and stuffing her cash into her back pocket. Mike looks at her in confusion. "Thank you, Mommy," says MJ; he glares at Mike. HA! Awesome. MJ leaves.

"Susan, I don't think you should have promised him that," says Mike. "Roy bought it for his grandson." Susan: "It's bad enough that we are dragging him from the only home he has ever lived in, moving across town where he doesn't know a single soul. If that silly dinosaur brings him a moment's comfort then we need to march over there and take it back!" "What the hell," agrees Mike. "We're moving. Let's go piss off some neighbors." Nice. Piss off the only ones nice enough to come to your garage sale and offer you way too much money for a crappy toy.

Cut to the dynamic duo explaining the situation to Roy, who says he understands but that he already gave T-Rex to his grandson. "Oh, I remember when we gave it to MJ," says Susan faux-sympathetically. "Right after his puppy died." "Okay, okay," agrees Roy. "Let's go get it before you take out your violin."

The group goes into the house and find Roy's grandson asleep on the couch with the dinosaur. Roy wants to wake him up, but Susan says he should just slip T-Rex out of his arms and they'll leave a note. Oh Susan. Just when you were scoring some points with me. Roy tries to take the toy, but the grandchild wakes up the second he feels it leaving his arms. It's then that Roy begins to sign to him and the Delfinos realize the boy is deaf. Roy and the kid start to fight over the toy. "Shouldn't we stop this?" asks Mike. "Let's let it play out," says Susan.

In more nefarious goings on, Bree is signing over her company to Sam. The "B" in her signature oddly resembles a "P." With an oddly satisfied sigh, Bree hands Sam the contract and tells him he's now the sole owner of her company. Fortunately, Bree managed to stick in a clause that Sam will have to pay her loads of cash if he breaths a word of Andrew's involvement in Juanita's death. "Don't worry, I'm much better at keeping secrets than your daughter," he says. Yeah, except for the one about your paternity. And that one about your mother. Shut up, Sam. "One can only hope," says Bree, probably cursing Danielle in her mind. She sits down and Sam turns to leave.

"I didn't want it to be this way," Sam says before he goes. "And I understand if you need to hate me." How is this guy not a serial killer? He's heartless enough to be. "I don't hate you, Sam," says Bree. "I feel sorry for you. You came into my life hoping to be a part of my family and all you're leaving with is a client list, some mixing bowls and my name. Well you'll soon see that's not enough. You'll always have a hole in your heart because you don't really care about anybody. And I have a horrible feeling that no one will ever really care about you. Now, would you please be a dear and close the door on your way out of my life." It's odd how hopeful this scene comes off. I expected that when Bree sold her company it would be a heartbreaking moment, but it really seems like she feels as though this is just a bump in the road. As if she'll be back on top in no time. I like that for a lot of reasons including the dichotomy it will give a later scene in comparison and also because it depicts Bree as having real strength. Sam, on the other hand, just looks puzzled. I guess robots don't care if they're beloved or not.

Over at the Bolens, Patrick marches Angie down the hall to Danny's room and insists that she say goodbye while he puts the bomb in the trunk of the car. Angie enters the room and I laugh and laugh because the stupid pants Danny's wearing make it seem like he forgot to put on pants at all. It looks especially ridiculous because he's still tied to that chair. Out in the hall, Patrick opens a closet and hides the bomb inside. Apparently his true intention is to kill his son. Awesome. Back in the other room, Danny's crying because he thinks Patrick will never let Angie go. Angie says that she doesn't know how things will play out, but that Danny has to know she didn't have any choices left. Just then, Patrick opens the door and tells Angie it's time to go. He doesn't even bother to say goodbye to his son. Double awesome.

Lynette is propped up on some pillows with her dress hiked up, her knees spread and Eddie sitting uncomfortably with his arms out and his head turned away. It's tragically awkward. He tells Lynette to push again, but she yells at him that he has to look. "But it's so gross!" Eddie whines. Dude, this is your punishment for not letting her husband into the house. If you had, he could totally be the one delivering this baby right now. This is like the birth for which the Scavos have been training for years. The last mile in a marathon. "I don't care!" snaps Lynette over Eddie's disgust. "You're going to have to catch her! Go!" HA! That shouldn't be at all funny, but I love how clinical Lynette is about this whole thing. It's like she's going to get through this horrible, horrible situation no matter what.

Reluctantly, Eddie turns his head to watch for the baby and Lynette starts to push. "I see something!" he exclaims as though he's surprised. "I think it's the head!" God, Let's hope so. Suddenly Eddie tells Lynette that the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby's neck. "What?" gasps Lynette. She freaks out a little as Eddie tells her the baby is turning blue, but then, in what is perhaps the most amazing moment ever, Lynette suddenly becomes calm and rational and gives Eddie explicit instructions about what to do: hook the umbilical cord under his finger and pull it over the baby's head. Thank God she popped out so many other kids. I'm just saying. Eddie says he can't do it. "Listen to me," says Lynette, "you have the chance to save a life. Please!" Terrified, Eddie nods and does as Lynette says. When he finishes, Lynette gives one more big push and the baby is born.

"She's okay?" Lynette immediately asks as Eddie hands the baby over to her. She very sincerely thanks Eddie. Eddie's crying, Lynette's crying, the baby is crying, I'm crying. This is a very emotional moment. "I know. I know," Lynette coos to her daughter, kissing her little hand.

Commercials.

Susan and Mike arrive home to find MJ sitting on the porch; immediately he jumps up and asks where T-Rex is. "I'm sorry, sweetie," says Susan. "T-Rex is extinct." Man, how many more times can Susan make promises she can't keep before this kid stops trusting her. "But he's mine!" insists MJ as the Delfinos enter their house. "That's not fair!" Aw, man, little kid logic is hard to watch sometimes. "MJ, that's life," says Susan. "Life isn't always fair. Sometimes you can be a good person and you can do the right thing and life still won't give you your dinosaur back." Nice metaphor, Susan. Mike rolls his eyes. Douche. I can mock Susan, you can't. That's the way it is. Not fair, is it? "In other words," says Mike, taking MJ firmly by the shoulder, "we're gonna take you to Pizza World and you can play all the video games you want." This time Mike wins MJ's smile and Susan gets the glare, complete with a little eyebrow raise. Hee! That kid can't get any cuter. MJ runs out of the room.

"Susan, life didn't take your dinosaur! I did!" barks Mike. "So please, just let me have it!" Finally, Susan tells Mike off. "Okay. Yeah. I resent you. I love you. I respect you. But you know what? You blew it! And thanks to you I have to leave the home where I raised my children!" You tell him, Susan. She points out the woodwork where she tracked Julie's and MJ's heights (although, as was pointed out to me by two different people, Edie burned Susan's house down in season 2, so how could Julie's heights still be intact?). Susan begins to earnestly cry and Mike acts like he's just been waiting for this. I think he's supposed to be sympathetic and understanding, but it just comes off as condescending and impatient. I can't stand Mike right now, even as he pulls Susan into a comforting hug. "We're gonna get it back. I promise," he says. Then he picks up a hammer and jimmies the height-tracking board off the wall in two seconds; I question the quality of Susan's home. Susan kisses Mike.

Orson sips tea in the dining room when Bree comes in and cheerfully announces that she signed over the company. "So you did it," says Orson with a bitter nod. "You actually gave up a business you spent eight years building." Bree says that she can always start a new company but she could never send her son to jail. Wow. It's like she can't even see the quicksand she's stepped into.

"You sent me to jail," observes Orson, stopping Bree in her tracks. Somehow, she actually tries to argue that it was a completely different situation. The only differences were that Andrew was drunk and never showed an iota of remorse. Bree's hypocrisy amazes me sometimes; of course, over this matter it's been amazing me for quite some time. Orson points out what everyone knows: the situations are actually remarkably similar. "Andrew was a child at the time," says Bree. Orson: "He's not anymore." As Orson wheels from the dining room into the foyer, he asks Bree why she wanted him to go to jail to atone for his crimes but not Andrew. Bree apologizes (two in one season?! Holy crap!) and says that she never should have made Orson go to jail. "I don't want an apology!" snaps Orson. "I respected you for demanding better of me! You showed me you had principles and ideals! You insisted I live up to your standards and I loved you for it!" Bree: "What are you saying?"

Orson says that from the moment Bree explained what was going on (that morning?), he'd seen it as a test of her morals. She failed the test miserably. He announces that he's packed a suitcase and is leaving her. "You are not the woman I thought you were," he says sadly. "For God's sake, Orson," says Bree, actually getting down on her knees, "he's my son. I have no choice." "We always have a choice," says Orson, shaking his head sadly. "And I no longer choose to be your husband." Wow, these two are really tough on each other. As much as I've wanted Orson to find out about this and call Bree on her hypocrisy, I never wanted them to break up. Of course, this is about the tenth time they've threatened to get divorced; it's becoming a bit like the boy who cried wolf. Maybe that's why although this is sad, I'm not heartbroken.

Well, it's about time Gaby showed up on the Lane. Look at all the things the other girls have accomplished in the time it took her to get home: Susan had a yard sale; Lynette had a baby; Bree signed over her business and broke up with Orson. Did she get lost or something? In her car, Gaby and Nick come up with a quick plan to rescue Danny and Angie: Gaby will distract Patrick while Nick sneaks into the house. Crackerjack plan, kids. Nick thanks Gaby for all her help; he can't believe she's doing this for him. This launches Gaby into a speech about how she knows what it's like to have secrets, how lonely it is, etc. It all leads up to the punchline that Nick has passed out. Gaby shakes him, but he doesn't wake up.

Lynette, amazingly, is still sitting on the couch where she had the baby. It's gross enough that she's still held hostage and can't really clean up, but does she really have to be sitting in whatever came out of her? My disgusting thoughts aside, she's very preoccupied with her daughter while Eddie sits and watches them. "She's so small," he says. Lynette grins at the baby; clearly she only has eyes for her little girl right now. "Not for long," she says. "They grow up so quickly." "I wish I could see her grow up," says Eddie wistfully. Finally, Lynette looks at him and under her gaze, Eddie becomes fidgety; he says he has to go. "If you could just wait awhile before you call the police..."

"Wait!" calls Lynette just as Eddie reaches the door. "That day you left my house you told me your life would have turned out different if I had been your mom." The shot cuts to a close up on Eddie's face; he looks concerned and guilty. Lynette continues: "So I'm gonna be your mom now. Will you listen to me?" Eddie gives a slight nod. "I don't think you should leave. I think you should stay here. And call the police." "I can't," says Eddie. Lynette: "Yes you can!" Quietly, Eddie tells her that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life in jail. "Honey, don't you see you're already there? No matter where you run to in your head you will still be angry. You'll still be in pain. And as long as you want to keep hurting people you will never be free." Openly crying, Eddie finally turns to face Lynette; "I'll be good. I swear," he promises weakly. Lynette: "But people will never see that you're good unless you show them! Please, if you pick up the phone, they will know. And I will be so proud of you."

Without a word, Eddie leaves the house. Lynette begins to cry, but the mere seconds later the door opens and Eddie reenters the house. "Will you call them for me?" he manages to ask before bursting into tears. And now I'm crying again too. Damn. "Of course," says Lynette. Eddie sits down on the couch as Lynette reaches for the phone. Then, in a moment that completely shows just what an incredible person Lynette is, she hands the baby to Eddie while she calls 911.

Commercials.

Gaby is on the phone with the hospital trying to get advice on how to wake someone up from something between a coma and a nap. Nice. "How should I know if he's clammy? I left him in the car," she says. HA! Susan knocks on the door and starts to come in uninvited, but Gaby cuts her off at the door. "Just came to say goodbye," says Susan. "Okay. Great. See ya!" says Gaby as she starts to shut the door. Susan tries to explain that this is the final goodbye--a fact we'll later see is not true--since tomorrow is moving day. "I'll catch ya when I catch ya," says Gaby as she shuts the door in Susan's face. HA!

The hospital has hung up on Gaby--I can't imagine why--so she has to come up with a new plan. It involves running outside to catch Susan and pretending that she couldn't deal with a goodbye. She gives Susan a big hug and then tells her that Angie is going to be devastated too. She thinks Susan should go over and say a long goodbye. Susan is skeptical; she reminds Gaby that she almost crushed Danny with a car (and also her daughter had an affair with Angie's husband, but Susan doesn't mention that), but Gaby insists. She ushers Susan across the street, pushes her toward the door and then runs like crazy. She ends up in the side yard where there's a handy trellis to climb to the second floor.

Inside the house, Patrick drags Angie downstairs and uncuffs her. They're interrupted by the doorbell; Angie looks out the window and sees that it's Susan and of course Patrick pulls out his gun and tells Angie to get rid of her. Same old, same old. Angie opens the door. "Tomorrow's moving day," says Susan. "I just came to say goodbye." Angie: "Okay...Bye." She shuts the door. Awesome.

Cut to the garage. Patrick helps Angie into the passenger's seat. The the shot cuts to Danny's room, where Gaby has managed to successfully climb to the second story. She scampers inside and says she'll get Danny out of there.

Outside, Patrick drives down the cul de sac and stops the car just after the turn-around. He asks Angie if the range on the detonator is two hundred yards and she confirms. "Why?" she asks. There's an ominous shot of the Bolens' house. Inside, Gaby is hurriedly rescuing Danny, who, as usual, doesn't have a clue about what's going on. Back to the car. Angie asks Patrick what he's doing and Patrick starts to wax poetic about the morning Angie disappeared twenty years ago. Apparently she really hurt him. Surprise! "So I decided one day, I would find you. And I would punish you. And today is that day, my love." Angie asks where the bomb is. Patrick tells her that she has thirty seconds to rescue Danny after he hits the detonator, which he does.

Angie leaps out of the car and starts to run down the street. As the music gets more and more dramatic, there are quick cuts of Patrick laughing evilly, Angie running, the timer on the bomb going down and Gaby untying Danny. Just as Angie nears her house, she stops running and turns to face Patrick; he looks confused. Angie just gives a little wave and says, "It's in the detonator." "You bitch," says Patrick as he stares at the detonator. The car blows up and Patrick is gone! Amazing. They somehow made Angie cool in her last ten minutes on the show. If only they had succeeded in making me care about her. They did it with Eddie in a shorter amount of time, so I know it can be done. Oh well. Better luck next year, show.

Inside, Danny has just been freed when he hears the explosion. He and Gaby immediately run outside and find Angie staring at the burned remains of the car. Amazingly, not one other person on the street has come outside. Remember when they used to care?

Commercials.

That night at a bus terminal, Gaby hands Angie a envelope stuffed fat with cash. Angie says that Gaby's being too generous, but Gaby insists. Of course, she does have to take back ten for parking. Heh. Angie falls just short of saying the episode title word for word and Gaby looks sad. I didn't realize their bonding in New York was that poignant. Silly me. "You know, it's funny," says Angie, "Nick had to drag me here kicking and screaming. He told me it would be a good place to blend in because people wave at you from behind their little picket fences, but they would never get involved. They don't care. Thank God you proved him wrong." The girls hug and then Gaby leaves. Instead of ending there and giving some time to a scene I might actually want to see like, oh, say, Tom finding out about the birth of his child, the camera stays with Angie as she heads over to join Nick and Danny.

Nick and Angie surprise Danny with a ticket to New York instead of to Atlanta with them. Turns out they want him to go join Ana and live a life independent from them. Danny isn't quite ready for this big life step, but Angie insists. You know, if I cared about anything but how much valuable time these characters are taking up in an episode with so much else going on then I might actually feel bad for Danny. I mean, yes, it sucks that he'll probably never see his parents again, which is what Angie slowly explains to him. But I don't care! Plus, how funny would it be if Ana had moved on (which, let's face it, is a real possibility)? Oh boy. Wait, they're STILL saying goodbye. Ugh. Finally, Nick and Danny hug while Danny says some bull about Nick teaching him to be a man. Whatever, Bolens. Just GO AWAY. Danny and Angie hug and then finally they part ways. Good riddance.

The next morning, Bree stands by Orson's abandoned bed considering the shattered remains of a marriage she spent a majority of the season wanting to dissolve. Andrew suddenly enters with no pretense and asks why all of Orson's stuff is gone. "He left me," says Bree succinctly, fighting back tears. Andrew asks why and Bree says that Orson thinks she's a hypocrite. "That's ridiculous," says Andrew. Not so much, kiddo. In fact, I'd say it's typical of Bree, but this was finally an instance too awful to ignore. Anyway, Bree agrees that she is. "Is there anything I can do?" asks Andrew. "You can give me your permission to do something I should have done a long time ago," says Bree.

Cut to Mr. Chase and two other hospital administrator types discussing what the priest told Chase. "This is bad," the female one states. They talk about covering it up and paying the priest off, but ultimately decide it's a bad idea. Good call, people. The female points out that a lawsuit could ruin the hospital. Suddenly, Mr. Chase reads something in the folder he's holding and looks horrified. "I know one of these families," he says. "They live two blocks from me on Wisteria Lane." Well knock me over with a feather, buddy. I'm shocked. The other guy thinks that qualifies Chase to break the bad news. Chase: "How do you tell parents that the child they're raising, the child that they love, isn't really theirs?"

Cue Penny, MJ, Juanita and Celia running down the street past Bree, who crosses the street to join the congregation outside of the Delfinos'. Amazingly, Lynette has somehow recovered enough from yesterday to be at this little farewell gathering. She is the toughest broad in the world. Susan says that her moving isn't a big deal; she's just moving across town and she'll see the girls Friday for poker. Lynette says they better or they'll hunt Susan down and drag her back. The girls make a little small talk about the mysterious guy who rented the house; Susan doesn't even know his name, which is odd. Susan makes a sentimental little speech about how much the girls mean to her, but amazingly she doesn't cry. I guess she released it all the day before.

Mike comes over and says that it's time to go. The girls begin to make their excuses to leave (Lynette: "I should go check on Tom and the baby. I'm sure one or both will need to be fed.") and Bree says she has to tell Gaby something. "It's the kind of thing that could end our friendship," she says. Really, it kind of saved Gaby's ass back then, though. Carlos is going to flip out, of course. Unfortunately, that's going to have to wait until next season.

In the car, Susan asks Mike to drive slowly down the street so she can enjoy the view one last time. "As they pulled away," says Mary Alice, "Susan looked out at the street she loved so much." Cut to Lynette sitting on her porch swing as Tom hands her the baby. "A street where parents could raise their children," --the next shot is of Roy and Karen walking down the Lane hand-in-hand-- "where retirees could enjoy their golden years," --finally, Gaby and Bree walk down the street together talking-- "where good friends could share horrible secrets." Back in the car, Susan looks a little teary-eyed. "Yes, Susan looked on this street and vowed she would be back." The shot becomes aerial as Susan and Mike drive past a black car and Mary Alice says, "But as she did so, she didn't notice the car that passed her." The car pulls into Susan and Mike's driveway and a foot the music says is creepy steps out. "A car carrying Wisteria Lane's newest resident."

The new guy and Lee walk into the house talking about paperwork. Lee gives a spiel about how great the street is, and the new neighbor says, "Oh, I know the neighborhood very well." The camera finally pulls back to reveal his face: it's Paul Young! Out of prison! Well, hey Paul! "The truth is, I used to live here." Lee says that everyone will be surprised to see him again. Paul: "They absolutely will." HA! But Susan was like his arch-nemesis and she's gone; what will Paul do for fun now? Wreck her house I guess. Heh. Whatever it is will have to wait until next season.

Well that was a superb finale; definitely one of the better ones this show has done. It was equal parts suspenseful and touching with just a dash of comedy and it turned out very well. I do wish that maybe it could have been a tad bit longer or that at least it cut out that final Bolen scene for something else, but that's just a tiny nitpick. And maybe the DVD deleted scenes will give me what I want. Overall I'd give this one an A+. It was the perfect end to this season.

And now there's just one excruciating long summer to get through. How long 'til spoilers start?

DH recap: The Ballad of Booth

Season Six, Episode Twenty-Two: "The Ballad of Booth"

"Angie Bolen was having trouble sleeping," says Mary Alice as a camera pans up Angie's soundly sleeping form. Her big ass scar that has been MIA since the beginning of the season is visible. "She kept dreaming about her life and the choices she had made."

Swoosh into a dream/flashback (although, really, how reliable are someone's dreams as a telling of her life?). Angie sits in an advanced chemistry class where a professor lectures as Mary Alice says, "After all, it was her decision to drop out of college." Angie gets up and leaves. Cut to a group of raggedy looking hippies of whom I'm sure Bree would not approve. "It was her idea to join a group of eco-terrorists," says Mary Alice. Absolutely hilariously, John Barrowman is sitting in the group wearing the worst wig I've ever seen. He looks like a middle aged man dressed up as Justin Bieber for Halloween. It's amazing. Fortunately we don't have to see how they would have tried to make Drea de Matteo look younger because all of these "flashbacks" only show the back of her head. I guess that makes sense as it's her point of view.

Angie unhooks her bra and Patrick nods approvingly. Mary Alice: "She let herself fall in love with their charismatic leader." Let herself? Can you really stop yourself from falling in love? I guess you could just walk away, but that's hard when you're mixing business and pleasure. Or terrorism and sex. Anyway, Mary Alice has saved the best for last; as the camera shows Angie deftly working with wires, our intrepid narrator explains, "And she agreed to build him a bomb."

Back to present day Angie. "Angie knew her choices had been bad ones." The camera pans to reveal that Angie is handcuffed to a bed and Patrick sits beside her; her eyes flutter open. "How else could she have ended up here with a man who she despised?" Hmm. Stupidity comes to mind.

Patrick says good morning to Angie and mentions that he's been admiring her scar. "It is so beautiful," he says as Angie hastily pulls down her shirt to cover it. If only she'd had some Mederma. Insanely, Patrick doesn't understand why Angie would cover up her symbol of their accomplishment. "We killed a guy. I'm not so proud," she snaps. Patrick doesn't understand. They were saving the planet and in his eyes that's much more important than one human life. "Tell that to his wife!" she sasses. The music gets super dramatic and I expect something to happen, but Patrick just asks when Angie stopped loving him. She says that she never loved him, but guess what? Crazy Patrick thinks that she still loves him. Shocker! "Maybe if we made love you'd remember," he says. Ugh.

"We could. But you might not like it when I vomit into your mouth," says Angie. Oh snap! Patrick threatens to kill her and Angie summarizes what Mary Alice forgot in her previouslies: Patrick needs her for something. Turns out he wants another bomb. Well, greedy, greedy. Angie refuses. "Yes," Mary Alice interrupts. "Angie Bolen had made some bad choices in her life." Patrick reaches out and cups her cheek. "You're gonna be surprised by what I can make you do," he says threateningly. Mary Alice: "And she now had no choices left." Dun dun dun!

Wee little credits.

A sour looking man stands with his arms crossed as Mary Alice observes the obvious: "Detective John Booth was not happy." I tell you, her insight just gets more and more profound. The camera cuts to what Booth stares at--a bulletin board with pictures, stories and notes on all of the victims of the strangler. "You see, someone had been killing women in the town of Fairview and he hadn't a clue to who it was." Let's see...Eddie's first kill was about ten years ago or so. I'd have to say that's a little pathetic, John Booth. Also, what happened to the cops who were working on Julie's attack at the beginning of the season? Did they realize it was connected to these other cases and hand it over to John Booth? Am I over-thinking this? Yes? Okay. Moving on.

This next narration includes shots of everything Mary Alice describes: "For months he had poured over autopsy photos, read psychological profiles, and interviewed witnesses." Back to Booth still staring at the bulletin board. "But Detective Booth was still no closer to finding the killer. Until one day..." Booth walks away and answers a phone on his desk that was not ringing. Wow! He's a psychic detective and still can't solve the murders! That's sad. Booth has a brief conversation and then hangs up the phone. He turns to his partner and explains that some kids found a body in the woods; they have to go see if it fits the MO of their killer. If it doesn't they'll ignore it. Just kidding.

Cut to their killer digging in Lynette's garden. Lynette walks up to him and says they need to talk. Of course Eddie automatically assumes he's in trouble, but Lynette just wants to break the bad news that his mom has disappeared. She recaps why she knows this (the beginning of this episode has a LOT of recapping), and Eddie gets characteristically weepy-eyed. "Look, I'm sure that must sound like a big deal to you, but this has been going on my whole life. She's off on another bender. And in a week or two she'll come back like nothing ever happened," he lies. The sad thing is that all those lies are probably based in reality. Lynette asks if he's sure they don't need to call anyone; Eddie says that everything will be okay. "It's just a matter of time before she shows up," he says ominously.

Over at Gaby's, Carlos is about to leave on a business trip. "I wish you're weren't gonna be gone for your birthday," says Gaby. "The girls are going to be so disappointed." Carlos knows just how to cheer Gaby up: if he makes this deal the commission is forty grand. Sayonaro, Carlos. Gaby kisses him goodbye and promises to have his favorite dinner waiting when he returns. Carlos literally stops in his tracks and slowly turns to face Gaby. "That's okay, babe. We can just go out to dinner and celebrate," he says with a forced smile.

Suspicious, Gaby says, "But I make you lasagna every year." Carlos makes an excuse; Gaby glares; Carlos turns to leave. "Hold it!" yells Gaby. "You do like my lasagna, don't you?" Even though he's caught like a rat, Carlos insists he likes it. Too bad for him, he's doing "that thing [he] do[es] when [he] lies" and Gaby knows that he hates it. "I don't believe this! You've been eating my lasagna for eleven years!" she barks. Finally Carlos admits that a plant has been eating the lasagna for eleven years; fortunately it is thriving!

Carlos says he never wanted to hurt Gaby's feelings, but his stomach is too old and weak to go on with the lies. "Look, I'm sorry baby, you just don't make it the way Mama used to," he says. Talk about adding salt to the wound. "That's because your backstabbing mother didn't have the decency to give me the recipe before she died!" shouts Gaby. "She was run over by a car," says Carlos. Writing it out doesn't do justice to how Ricardo Antonio Chavira delivers the line, unfortunately. Carlos tries to console Gaby by saying that he loves her guacamole and turns to leave for the third time. Gaby shouts after him that she buys that at the store. Carlos: "Like only you can!" He makes his escape.

Susan is still going through Mike's financial records. Mike asks if she's figured out his financial mess yet. He's lucky Susan doesn't throw something at his head. I would. Poor Susan is confused because the payments he's received don't cover half of what he's billed. "That's 'cause not everybody's paid," says Mike. Susan asks why and Mike tells her that they didn't have the money. Remember that part of Gone with the Wind where Scarlett makes Frank Kennedy collect on his credit so they aren't losing money and Ashley disapproves? Well in this scenario Mike is Frank Kennedy and Ashley all wrapped up into one wimpy man and Susan is going to try desperately to be Scarlett.

"Honey, I love that I married a guy who wants to unclog the world's toilets for free, but now it's time that people pay the piper for the pipes," says Susan. Mike, honest to God, rolls his eyes at her. I don't know whether to admire Susan for being so patient and understanding or pity her for putting up with this fool. It's probably a little of both. Mike refuses to do it so Susan says she will. "You? How are you gonna do it?" demands Mike. Susan's going to tell them her sob story, gain sympathy and get the money. Mike doesn't think it will work. Instantly Susan starts to "cry" and worry about how they're going to pay for everything. Mike tries to console her. Head up and perky, Susan asks, "So you think it will work?" Mike: "Wow, you're scary." He agrees that Susan can try to get their money back. How big of him.

The Van de Kamps are having a family pow-wow about Sam. Andrew isn't scared of Sam and says that he'll fire him right now if Bree wants. Go Andrew! Bree doesn't want to provoke Sam, though, because he's violent. "We're not intimidated, are we Orson?" asks Andrew. Orson's eyes widen and he says, "Just...how violent are we talking?" Andrew: "Hey! We'll do whatever it takes to protect Mom!" Remember when Andrew tried to rescue Bree from Orson's murderous mother? I love when he gets all kick-ass.

"Okay," agrees Orson. "But I am in a chair. I don't know how good I'd be in a fight. This thing tips over in a stiff wind." Hee! Bree reassures Orson that there won't be any need to fight, but to further prove his point, Orson wheels directly into Andrew's legs. "Did that hurt?" he asks. It didn't, so Orson throws up his hands in defeat. That's his only move. Hey, don't underestimate the power of a crotch shot, Orson. You're right at that level. If Sam's standing...Pow!

"You don't need to fight, Orson," says Bree. "You're more of a strategist." Andrew sees that his plan to fight isn't going to fly so he moves on to plan B: hire someone to rough up Sam. Man, I love Andrew. He and Lynette are two peas in a pod, aren't they? Remember when she wanted to get immigration to rough up Irina a few weeks ago? I kind of wish there'd be another plot that would team those two up together. Or face them off against one another. I'd take either. Bree, sadly, doesn't want to rough Sam up either. Orson suggests paying him off. "Yes!" agrees Bree. "He's always talking about how he never had anything growing up." Poor Andrew looks disappointed, especially when Bree calls the idea brilliant. "You call writing a check brilliant?" he asks as he stands. Orson rolls into him again; "Anything?" he asks. Go for the crotch, Orson!

Later, Lynette comes into her house and sets down some stuff. From the open door, the intrepid detectives ask if they can come in. "Sure. What's this about?" asks Lynette a little nervously. I mean, really, has it ever been a good thing when the cops show up at her door? They ask if she knows Irina. "Oh. Unfortunately, yeah," says Lynette. Her whole tone changes from anxious to understanding. "Whatever you think she did, she did." The detectives aren't sure what Lynette means. "She's a conniving, manipulative little grifter who put my son through hell," she tells them. Booth: "She's dead."

In a matter of seconds, Lynette's face goes through a whole range of emotions from disbelief to horror. "What? Are you serious?" she asks. They tell her that Irina was murdered. Just then, Tom steps into view from the other side of the stairs near the kitchen. "What's going on?" he asks. The most Lynette can get out is that the cops are there about Irina. Tom walks over to her, saying, "Oh boy! That didn't take long. That little bitch couldn't even get out of the country before she--" Lynette leans up to whisper that Irina is dead. "--was taken from us too soon," Tom finishes weakly.

The cops want to know if Preston is home, but he's off camping with Porter. Tom thanks them for coming by to tell them, not understanding that the cops want to talk to Preston. "Wait, you don't think that he had anything to do with this?" asks Lynette. She's come full circle back to nervousness. Booth says that they found a letter Irina wrote to Preston and that it sounds like things ended badly. "Well yeah, he broke off the engagement, but he wouldn't do that and then kill her. It's an extra step. Wouldn't you just skip the break-up and get right to the killing?" Lynette babbles. And I really mean babbles. She delivers that more like one run-on sentence. Tom: "Why won't you stop talking?" Lynette: "I want to, believe me!" Hee!

Lynette steps past Tom out of the shot and the detectives give Tom their card so Preston can call them. They open the door to leave, but Lynette can't help but to tell them that Preston isn't their murderer. "You guys should concentrate on finding the real killer," she says. The detectives say that's exactly what they plan to do. Lynette and Tom exchange a worried look and the camera swings up the stairs behind them to show that Eddie listened in on the entire conversation.

Commercials.

The bomb building plot is progressing nicely. Patrick has either brought or found in Angie's house a whole bomb making kit and spread it out over the kitchen table. "Brings back memories, doesn't it?" he asks cheerfully. Angie reiterates that she won't build the bomb and Patrick tells her she doesn't have to start today because he's still waiting on one more piece. She still says no, so he tries to appeal to her environmental outrage: some developers in Oregon are going to cut down 4000 acres of old trees and they need to stop them. "And who cares if we kill a few loggers in the process, right?" she asks. Patrick: "Saving the world's messy. You used to be able to see that." Angie: "You know what I see now? A fake." She says that Patrick is only in it for himself which, of course, gets him all pissy. I'm not sure if this is a plan or she's just antagonistic. Anyway, Patrick says that he wants to save the world and he wanted to save Angie. She shouts that Nick saved her, which is exactly the wrong thing to say.

"Do you really wanna start talking about Nick right now? Huh?" Patrick demands as he grabs Angie's face and shakes her. "How does it feel knowing you'll never be half the man he is?" she asks. It would be a lot easier to be on Angie's side about this if Nick hadn't cheated on her with his son's crush. Personally I think he's scuzzy too. Just as Patrick gears up to yell or smack or kill Angie, they're interrupted by a knock at the door. It's Gaby. Patrick signals for Angie to be quiet, but she says that Gaby won't go. Gaby confirms this by shouting that she won't go. Heh. Patrick says that Angie has one minute to get rid of Gaby or he'll kill her.

Angie yells for Gaby to come in. Gaby's there because she wants a lasagna recipe for Carlos. I hope Bree never finds out about this. As she enters, she notices Patrick and introduces herself; Patrick lies and says he's Angie's brother. Angie scurries off to get the recipe and that's when Gaby notices the bomb materials. Patrick says that Angie is pumping up his remote. "Oh, you know how to do that?" asks Gaby. Patrick: "Sure. She was an engineering major in college." Before she dropped out. Gaby teases that she has an appliance at home that could use more power and she'll tell Patrick which one after she knows him better. Ew.

Finally, Angie has the recipe. Tellingly, Gaby asks if she can use sauce from a can instead of fresh tomatoes. Angie starts to get worked up about this, but Patrick waves a gun behind Gaby's head and she changes gears and starts to rush Gaby out. "Oh and a little word of advice," Gaby calls to Patrick as she's leaving. "Never compare your wife to your dead mother if you want to get laid on your birthday." HA! Angie shuts the door. "You know how to make a bomb and you haven't used one on her yet?" asks Patrick. "I admire your restraint."

Bree sits at her desk doing paperwork when Sam comes into the room. She tells him to take a seat and asks if he knew that Rex set up trust funds for Danielle and Andrew; he didn't. Bree: "Well he wanted to be sure they had a nest egg to draw from in case something happened to him. Which it did." HA! Sam asks why Bree is telling him this and Bree says that Rex seems to have forgotten he had three children. She hands Sam a check and we only get to imagine the amount. "That's a lot of money," says Sam. Calmly, Bree says that it's her way of apologizing for Rex's poor memory and then she stands in what seems to be a sign of dismissal. Sam stands as well.

Slowly, Bree walks to the door while saying how much she appreciates everything Sam did for her and the company. "Truly, I wish you the very best," she says. Sam: "That sounds like a goodbye." Bree: "Well, now that you have all this money you don't need to work here. A young man with your skills should feel free to go out into the world and make his mark." Nice one, Bree. She's pretty good at this bribery thing. "But I like it here," says Sam so sadly that I kind of feel bad for him. "Well unfortunately I no longer need you," says Bree. "You see, Andrew and I have made up and I'm giving him your job." Which was originally Andrew's anyway. Nice. She tells him not to be angry because it's a family business. "But I'm part of the family," says Sam. "Not really," she says, completely contradicting how she's been carrying on for the past several weeks. Look, don't get me wrong, Sam is obviously nuts and untrustworthy, but this is the main reason that Bree bothers me. She's loyal beyond all common sense until the person crosses her and then he's out on his ass. She's done it with every single member of her family. She doesn't forgive and she doesn't abide mistakes, but then when she messes up she expects everyone to bend over backwards to appease her. Honestly, Bree wouldn't be Bree without this characteristic, but it doesn't mean that I find her likable when she acts this way. And here, once again, Bree is missing the whole point; it's not just the money for Sam--it's the name and the prestige and the family too. He proves this by ripping the check to shreds.

"You can't buy me off," he says. "I belong here. I'm a Van de Kamp." Except he totally ruins it by pronouncing the name as Van dee Kamp, so instead of taking him seriously I just laugh and laugh and laugh. "And if you ever insult me again, you're going to wish you hadn't," he finishes. I can't get worked up because I'm still laughing.

Susan approaches a man raking his yard and introduces herself. The man says some nice things about Mike and Susan uses it to segue into Mike being too proud to say his business is in trouble. "So we're gonna need you to pay your bill for the work he completed four months ago," she says. "I wish I could, but it's a bad time," says the man. He's obviously underestimating Susan's pent-up rage over Mike's recent bout of doucheness. She launches into her waterworks-filled, pity me speech, but the man couldn't care less (he even says that kids bounce back when Susan mentions that MJ might get injured and not have insurance). His indifference throws Susan over the edge, but he just starts to go on and on about all his financial woes. I'll give Susan credit, she even offers a payment plan that the man dismisses before she finally loses it completely. "You owe me money and I'm not gonna rest until I get it!" she shouts. "I am going to make sure everyone in your life knows what a deadbeat you are! When you go to work tomorrow, I'll be there! When you go bowling with your buddies, I'll be there! And when you go to the video store to get your porn--" Finally, the man acquiesces and says he'll write Susan a check. I hate to say it, but good for Susan!

Susan's satisfaction with this first client leads to a series of bullying maneuvers to collect money. Next up is a woman in an unfortunate floral top with a sweeping collection of Hummels. After she makes a series of excuses, Susan picks up one of the figurines and starts casually tossing it around, making the woman so nervous that she finally agrees to pay Susan. After her is an older woman who is babbling to Susan while she files her nails. When she finally finishes her spiel, Susan mentions that she has a nice watch. Susan smiles evilly and I'm once again terrified by her face. Why, why, why did Teri Hatcher do that to herself?

Commercials.

Susan arrives home with her booty--cash and a big bag of collectibles that includes a sterling silver menorah--and presents it to Mike. He's astonished that she pulled it off, but Susan is pretty damn proud of herself. "What happened to batting your eyes and shedding a few tears?" asks Mike as Susan grabs a beer from the fridge. Susan says that playing the victim got her no where. "And then all of a sudden, I snapped," Susan explains. "Rage just started pouring out of me. It was like my inner bully had been released. And one by one I brought those deadbeats to their knees! For the first time in my life I have gotten a taste of power and you know what? I like it." Through her entire speech, Susan struggles to open her beer bottle until Mike finally opens it for her. Susan is so empowered that she wants to go upstairs and have bully sex. Ha! Mike is less than enthused, but it's not because of Susan. It's because the IRS sent them a notice; he shows Susan. All of her hard work was for nothing because they're never going to collect enough money to pay off their debts in time. Surprisingly, Susan's new attitude makes her think that she'll be able to change their fate and she marches off to come up with a plan.

Later, she and Mike are in the office of an IRS agent. "The way I see it," says Susan, "the IRS is a government agency and the government only exists because of the taxes that we pay. So that makes me your boss. And as your boss I am telling you that we need an extension. Do I make myself clear?"

Cut to Mike and Susan driving home in the infamous truck that started it all. "I am a terrible bully," Susan sighs. Mike agrees. She goes on to say that the agent didn't need to tack on all of those extra penalties--something Mike knew might happen, by the way--but she obviously regrets what she said. She asks what they should do. Mike, shockingly, has no good ideas. Staring out the window, Susan looks--really looks--at her house and her face lights up in recognition of an option. She turns to Mike and says, "We've got the house."

Back at the Van de Kamps, Bree pours tea while wearing a really unfortunate yellow suit. It's terrible. Sam enters the house and Bree beckons him into the living room to meet her friends, a couple of retired police officers. The cops force Sam into the room and wedge him onto the couch between them. They're beefy guys, so Sam looks comically squished between them. Bree says that the guys were just regaling her with tales of their days on the force and asks them to repeat a story for Sam. "About the guy who was hassling the nice lady?" one of them asks pointedly.

They launch into a story about a guy who slyly threatened a woman so the cops couldn't do anything about it. Then they begin to reminisce about all the things they would have liked to do to the guy: smash a phone book into his Adam's apple, dislocate his fingers, etc. They end by saying that if the situation came up again they'd hope that the threat of those things would be enough. Sam obviously gets the picture and nervously dismisses himself. The cops ask if he wants a ride home and one of them even mentions Sam's address specifically. Nice. Sam leaves. Bree: "I don't know why tea parties have fallen out of fashion. They're so much fun!"

Commercials.

Lynette is on the phone with Porter encouraging him to keep Preston's spirits up. She tells him to drive safely and blows a kiss into the phone before hanging up; it's really sweet. Behind her, Eddie skulks down the stairs with his bag packed. He tells Lynette he's moving back home for a little while so her family can be together to deal with Irina's death in private. "To be honest, I already think of you as family," says Lynette. Eddie is a little embarrassed by all this unprecedented affection, but Lynette says that Eddie was in her will after he took out the trash on his first day there. Ha! She says that he should stay, but Eddie makes a new excuse: he wants to be there to help out his mom when she gets back from her bender. This Lynette understands; she even goes so far as to say that Barbara is lucky to have Eddie. Eddie looks horrifically guilty. "You know," says Lynette, "once you make sure she's okay you can always come back." That's extremely generous of her considering she's about to have seven people in four bedrooms. Although, I guess she's been there before. Eddie says that he doesn't think that will happen and heads toward the door.

"Is something wrong?" asks Lynette. "Did you not like it here?" Eddie quickly reassures her that it was fantastic, but he's still really jumpy and obviously wants to leave. Lynette asks if she can hug him goodbye and Eddie embraces her. For a second I really expected him to feel the baby move or something to reinforce that, if nothing else, Lynette truly has an innocent life dependent on her, but he just says, "I can't help thinking, I would have turned out so different if you were my mom." Lynette pulls away and tenderly touches his face for a second; it's a very motherly gesture. Then Eddie leaves. Lynette looks disappointed.

Sometime later, the girls are all together in Susan's kitchen. They're all in different outfits, so presumably this is another day. Susan has just broken the news that she and Mike are moving off the Lane. They're not going to sell the house, though, just rent it out. "I don't care! Either way you're not living here," says Gaby. She slaps Lynette's shoulder. "Lynette, say something! You're very persuasive." Ha! "I...I don't understand why you have to do this," is the best that Lynette can come up with under pressure. Susan explains that she and Mike are having financial problems, that they'll be fine but they need to do this to get back on their feet. Cutely, Bree announces that they get out their checkbooks and all three ladies reach for their bags. Susan quickly stops them. "I love you for that," she says, "but no. We got ourselves into this, we can get ourselves out." She tells them that they're moving into an apartment near the school that's close by, so they'll still see each other. Gaby is skeptical since most people say that, but then it doesn't happen. "Well I mean it," says Susan. She, Gaby and Lynette clasp hands. I wonder if that's the last scene between the girls for this season.

Angie is sleeping handcuffed to the bed again when someone creeps into the room. The mysterious person shakes Angie's shoulder and she kicks him in the stomach. He falls to the floor and then turns around; it's Danny. Angie is horrified to see him. He says that she sent him a text message telling him to hurry home. "Oh God, that wasn't me. Danny, get out of the house now!" Too late. Patrick enters the room and flicks on the light. "Remember that piece I said was missing?" he asks as he holds a gun to Danny's head. "It just arrived."

Commercials.

The next day, Bree stands at her kitchen sink doing the dishes and humming. I swear she's wearing the same outfit she had on at Susan's before which makes the timing of this a little off. This scene probably should have been before the one with Angie and Danny. Anyway, Sam stands in the background watching her work and he startles her by saying, "So I've been thinking." Astonishing feat, I know. Bree asks why he's there, but Sam ignores this to go on about how effective threats are. "Get out," orders Bree. "I will," says Sam. "But not before we do a little business." He wants her to sign over her company to him; everything: the cookbooks, the catering business, the frozen food line, etc. "Are you insane?" asks Bree. "Why would I do that?"

Sam begins to reminisce about the family dinner they had many moons ago, going on and on about how Danielle had too much to drink (actually implying that she's an alcoholic, which would be a fascinating storyline if Danielle were still around) and spilled some family secrets. It turns out that she told him all about Andrew's hit and run, a fact that I have been waiting eons to come back into the picture. And it totally explains the throwaway line earlier about the car accident. Brilliant. Sam threatens to tell the cops and Carlos what happened if Bree doesn't do as he says. "So, should we draw up the papers now or wait until morning?" This is fantastic. I really hope that they don't neatly resolve this next week by having Angie's bomb blow up Sam or something. Even though the prospect of a Solis feud with another neighbor is a little tedious, at least this one would be well justified. Not to mention that I've wanted to see Orson's reaction to this secret for years now! Awesome. Simply awesome.

Back at Angie's, Danny is tied to a chair. Patrick has apparently finished telling Danny the whole story and I'm just grateful I didn't have to listen to it again. "I don't believe you," says Danny. Patrick: "Look, I just want you to know that when you're ready, I want us to have a traditional father son relationship." HA! That, more than anything else, just showed how bonkers Patrick is. "Are you serious?" asks Danny. Patrick cracks up; "I know. That sounded ridiculous." Still, he promises that once he's taken care of business he'll untie Danny and they can get to know one another. How sweet. I'd love to see that spinoff show. They could travel the country blowing things up and acting insane. Danny doesn't share my enthusiasm; he just threatens to kill Patrick. Patrick says that eventually Danny will realize he's mad at the people who spent twenty years lying to him, not the man who spent twenty years looking for him. He leaves the room.

In the kitchen, Angie is diligently working on the bomb when Patrick enters the room. They make some predictable small talk about how Angie will kill Patrick if he hurts Danny, blah blah blah. "So, how's my bomb coming?" asks Patrick. Angie says that it will go faster if she can use two hands (she handcuffed again) and Patrick actually agrees to release her. Just then, Gaby enters the house uninvited and calls out to Angie. Patrick tells Angie that she has twenty seconds to get rid of Gaby and they hurry into the foyer.

It turns out that Gaby is there to get Angie to sample her lasagna. Patrick tries to get Gaby to leave by promising that Angie will try it later, but Gaby insists that it be now. Angie hurries into the kitchen to cut a piece and in a brilliant move writes a little note to stick in the remaining lasagna. Out in the foyer, Gaby's showing Patrick cell phone pictures from her modeling days. It's hilarious; Patrick looks like he wants to kill himself. Back in the kitchen, Angie sticks the note into the lasagna and turns around only to find Patrick standing behind her. "I'm about to kill your neighbor," he says. "You might wanna get her out of here." Angie heads back to Gaby and tells her that she did a great job, but when she forces Gaby to take the rest of the dish back, Gaby thinks she's lying to protect her feelings.

A minute later, Gaby arrives home with the lasagna and brings it into the kitchen where Juanita is doing her homework. With a sigh, Gaby tosses her dish in the trash.

Commercials.

Tom, Lynette and Porter wait at the police station while Preston is questioned by the cops. Lynette nervously roots through her purse, taking things out and reorganizing her belongings. "Honey, do you really think this is the time to be cleaning out your purse?" asks Tom. Lynette shoots him a dirty look and says, "Our son is being interrogated for murder. I have a lot of rage in me. Would you rather I channel it into this or you?" Tom: "I'd put the emergency tampon in the zipper pouch." Hee!

Preston walks out and Porter eagerly asks, "Pres, how'd it go?" Preston says that they just wanted to confirm the timeline that he was in Europe because they think that whoever killed Irina also killed the other girls. Everyone is relieved. I am relieved to see that Preston shaved. "Are you okay?" asks Tom. "I just keep thinking that Irina would still be alive if I hadn't brought her here," says Preston. He leaves. Lynette tries to call after him, but Porter tells her to let him go and to give him some time. Tom agrees and says that he and Porter should take Preston out for a game of pool and see if he wants to talk. The twins, particularly Porter, have really matured this season, haven't they? I mean, not completely, but significantly compared to season five. Tom and Porter leave as well and Lynette sits back down to gather up the contents of her purse. Did they drive two cars or what?

Nearby, two cops begin a conversation about how they found another body. One says that he thinks it's Barbara Orlofsky, the woman they often throw in the drunk tank. Overhearing this, Lynette is obviously upset and it's clear what she's going to do before she even stands up.

Night at the Solises'. Gaby turns on the light in the kitchen to find that Juanita and Celia have dug her lasagna out of the trash for a midnight snack. "Oh my God! What are you doing?" demands Gaby. Juanita explains. "So you picked it out of the trash? You're worse than raccoons!" Hee! Gaby asks them what they think and Celia makes a terrible face. Affronted, Gaby insults the French toast they made her for mother's day. Then Celia spits out the note. HAHA! "What the heck is that?" asks Gaby, reaching for the note and opening it. Angie wrote: "Danny and I held hostage. No cops. Get Nick." Succinct. Gaby's eyes widen in horror.

Cut to Eddie's house, where Eddie is packing furiously. There's a knock at the door and Lynette enters before waiting for an invitation. She says she's there about his mom, but before she can get into details, Eddie blurts out that he just talked to her on the phone. He says that she's in Florida with his uncle and he's going to go down there and see if they can get her into rehab. Relieved, Lynette sits down on the couch. "Oh thank God," she says as Eddie heads toward the door. "They must have gotten the name wrong." Eddie freezes and slowly turns around.

"What are you talking about?" he asks. Lynette says that she was just at the police station and that they found another body that they said was Eddie's mom's. Instead of leaving, Eddie just says, "Oh" and stares at Lynette. "But," she says, standing and walking over to Eddie, "you just talked to her, right? They made a mistake." Unable to go along with this, Eddie just stares into space with a sad, teary look in his eyes. It seems that he's finally reached his breaking point; he's going to confess. He drops his bag to the floor. Lynette draws in a deep breath of horrified recognition. "You didn't just talk to her," she says in an eerily calm but completely terrified voice. "And your mom's not in Florida, is she?" Eddie stares at her sadly. "I really wish you hadn't come here," he says, and it's all the confirmation Lynette needs.

"People make choices every day," says Mary Alice as Eddie locks his front door. "And those choices are what define us." Cut to Mike asleep in his bed as Susan strokes his shoulder. "Some of us choose to be loyal, though we're angry and hurt." Over at the Bolens', Patrick is redoing the knots on Danny's chair. "Some of us choose to be brave, though we're frightened out of our minds." Bree is looking at a framed picture of her and Sam. Well, that just further shows how Bree changes sides with the flip of a coin. "Others choose to strike out when they could have walked away." That one confuses me. I think Bree is the one striking out, but how could she have walked away? Unless she decided to turn over Andrew instead of her business, but I can't believe Bree would do that. Especially because she'll be in trouble too. Whatever, Mary Alice.

Back at Eddie's, Eddie backs Lynette onto the couch and slowly begins to flip down all of the blinds on the windows. It's super creepy. "But what about those poor people who are trapped by circumstance?" asks Mary Alice. The shot switches to outside the window to the last shot is of Lynette's face before Eddie flips the last set of blinds closed. "What happens to those who have no choices left?"

Well that episode has to be the most suspenseful one this show has done in a long while. Although I know I'm biased because Lynette is my favorite, I think that in a way it's much more suspenseful to have her in danger in the finale than any of the other women. Let's be frank here, we all know that this show won't kill off any of the girls and it's very unlikely that the husbands would go either. I'd even say that the kids are off limits because although this show does drama well, I can't imagine that they could kill off one of the kids and be able to have the characters move on from that kind of grief. But we all know that miscarriage is a whole other game--there have already been two on this show--and so it's really the fact that there's an unborn child in this situation that makes it a whole other game. I'd like to believe that they wouldn't be so cruel as to kill both of Lynette's babies, but I can't put it entirely outside the realm of possibility, especially if they don't want to be saddled with a baby for the rest of the series. And that is what makes it suspenseful.

On top of that, I'm actually really excited about the Bree plot of this show for the first time in a long time. This episode did a great job of building up the tension between her and Sam. Although I don't care about the Bolens, I'm glad Gaby's at the center of the mystery for once. I think it's the first time in six seasons. Even Susan and Mike moving off the Lane is something different and I think that will be a refreshing change of pace for them. It's nice to see them have a storyline that isn't in the center of the mystery. Overall I would give this episode an B+. It's really building toward the climax next week, but I'll be interested to see how it holds up after that. I don't know if it will be as powerful after the suspense of what is coming next is gone. Actually, it might have worked better if the two episodes were combined into a long finale like season two's "Remember." I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens next week.

DH recap: A Little Night Music

Season Six, Episode Twenty-One: "A Little Night Music"

John Barrowman lies on a bed looking so very, very good. And really, how awesome would it be if Mary Alice just launched into a speech about how hot he is? And then, preferably, narrated his shirt right off his chest. I would forgive her her many lame narration transgressions as of late if she'd just do me this one little favor. But, alas, she's more interested in blathering on about Angie's background. So here we go. "Many years ago, a terrorist fell in love with a woman," she begins. Patrick's alarm goes off.

Cut to the Bolens', where Angie is cooking breakfast, as Mary Alice continues, "This woman believed in the terrorist and his cause." The shot goes to the Bolens' bathroom, where Nick's examining himself in the mirror. "Until an undercover agent showed up determined to stop them." Nick was an undercover cop? I bet he was the lamest one ever.

Back to Patrick, who is now picking out a shirt. "The terrorist wanted to attack those he thought were hurting the planet." Angie sets breakfast on the table and Mary Alice explains, "So he got the woman to help him build a bomb." Nick is shaving now. "But something went wrong and someone was killed."

Patrick looks through his stack of drivers licenses--apparently he has many aliases?--as Mary Alice continues, "The terrorist didn't care. He said it was unavoidable." The camera pans up a cabinet to the counter where Angie sets an empty plate; there's a picture of her and Danny as a baby sitting on the counter. "The woman wanted to turn herself in, but she was pregnant." So? She could still turn herself in. I think that should be amended a bit to add, "And she didn't want to give up her baby."

Nick snatches his car keys off the dresser as the camera comes to rest on a picture of him and Danny. "So the agent convinced her to run away with him and he raised the child as his own." Patrick walks to his car. "So they escaped from the terrorist," Mary Alice says as Angie crosses her kitchen and then Nick runs outside, "hoping and praying he would never find them."

Patrick steps into The Coffee Cup and Mary Alice finally finishes her story: "Unfortunately, he did." Danny looks up and smiles at Patrick and then offers him some chocolate scones. Patrick says sure (because honestly, who would pass up chocolate scones?) and settles into a seat with his laptop. They chat for a minute about the stupid novel that Patrick may or may not actually be writing, and then Nick enters the building.

"Hey, I know you're my dad," Danny says loudly, causing Patrick to look up in shock, "but you still gotta close the door when you come in." Ah, relief...Danny is just talking to his fake dad. I'm so glad Patrick doesn't have to worry. He turns to get a quick glimpse of Nick and then covers his face.

Nick asks Danny if he wants to go on a run with him tonight. "Uh, Dad, you don't run, you jog," says Danny. Is that an insult? Nick seems to take it as one because he punches Danny's shoulder. Okay then. Danny says he can't because he's working Eddie's shift that night. The music swells dramatically as Nick walks toward Patrick, but THANK GOD he's just picking up a napkin. I was SO WORRIED for a minute. Nick leaves and Patrick whips around to face Danny. "That's your dad?" he asks, as if he doesn't know. They make small talk about the routine of Nick's running for a minute (for some reason Danny thinks it's inspiring, but doesn't pick up on the ominous, creepiness of this stranger wanting to know about it).

That night at the Bolens, Nick mentions to Angie that he's going out for a run. He gives her a quick kiss and then they cut to him running down the street. In a move that surprises no one, Patrick is driving down the street behind Nick. Mary Alice comes back in to say, "It took the terrorist twenty years to find the people who had betrayed him." Patrick drives past Nick and then does a u-turn so he's facing his nemesis. Then, like so many others from this street, he runs over Nick with his car. He doesn't do it with as much flair as Andrew or Orson. He could get some pointers from those guys. The camera creeps in on Nick's bloody face and Mary Alice supplies some beyond-the-grave foreshadowing: "And his plan for revenge was just getting started."

Wee little credits. Does anyone else love that the Bolen "mystery" was just explained away in four minutes with nary a flashback?

The next day dawns bright and cheerful in the Wisteria Lane park. "Our mothers tell us to beware of mysterious men," says Mary Alice. A big, Hulk-like man in a leather jacket stands there while Celia walks past and gives him a dirty look. "Don't talk to them in the park," advises Mary Alice. A disembodied arm holds out candy as Juanita jump ropes past him. Dude obviously needs to learn how to lure kids with candy; also, are there no parents at this park? "Don't take their candy." A car door swings open and MJ walks past as Mary Alice continues, "Don't get into their cars." Okay, really, the kids of Wisteria Lane would have to be completely stupid to fall for any of this. This PSA courtesy of Mary Alice ends with a shot of Lynette's door; Penny runs up and opens it a crack as Mary Alice says, "And whatever you do, don't let them into your house."

Inside, Penny skips away from the door as Lynette undoes the lock and opens the door completely to reveal Eddie bearing groceries. Mary Alice leaves us with this puzzling question: "But what do we do when Mother has already invited them in?" Well, if that mother is Lynette, then I'd say wait for her to find out the truth and kick some serious ass. At this time, though, Lynette is unaware that she's invited a serial killer to live with her family and is simply impressed that he brought home groceries. He brings them into the kitchen and starts unloading them, saying it's the least he can do in return for them providing him shelter.

Porter walks into the room as the buzzer on the washing machine sounds. Eddie says he'll grab the laundry, but Lynette says that it's Porter's turn. How convenient that he just waltzed into the room! As he packs up his books, Porter says he can't get the laundry because he's late, but Lynette insists that he has time. This turns into an argument because Porter wants to go to the mall with his friends ASAP, but Lynette wants dry clothes and they're both as stubborn as mules. The whole thing is clearly upsetting Eddie, who even goes so far as to chastise Porter for getting uppity, and finally climaxes with Porter calling Lynette a bitch under his breath. He turns to walk away--toward the front door, not the laundry room--and Eddie tackles him from behind. Eddie starts screaming at Porter to apologize, holding up a fist to punch Porter if he doesn't, and Lynette flips out, running over, grabbing Eddie's arm and shouting for him to calm down. Finally Eddie climbs off of Porter and stumbles back; he clutches his head and looks close to tears as Porter gets to his feet. Lynette asks if Porter is okay and when he says that he is, Lynette tells him to go join his friends.

As soon as Porter is gone, Eddie says, "I'm sorry. I just can't watch you be disrespected." Lynette gives him a confused, annoyed look, and Eddie scampers off to the laundry room to put the clothes in the dryer.

Mike knocks on the Solises' front door and when Carlos answers he hands him the first payment for the loan Carlos provided. Carlos cuts Mike off before he can even explain what's in the envelope, stepping out onto the porch and shouting loudly about how Mike is donating to some church fund for Sister Mary until he shuts the door behind him. "Gaby's home," he explains in a normal tone. Mike launches into the explanation he began before and then adds that he's making cutbacks so he can pay Mike back more efficiently. "No vacations, basic cable...I even convinced MJ that Mrs. McCluskey's house is summer camp," he says. Oh wow, I bet Karen loves you for that one, Mike.

Carlos tells Mike to take his time and just make sure Gaby doesn't find out. Of course Mike doesn't want Gaby to know anything because she'll spill the beans to Susan. And heaven forbid Susan know that she's having dire financial problems, douchebag. Carlos laughs as though this is normal behavior for a married couple and goes back in the house where Gaby is waiting on the stairs. She's decked out in some ugly yellow and pink negligee, but Carlos' eyes almost bug out of his head when he sees her. Which I guess is nice. "It's the middle of the afternoon, what are you doing?" asks Carlos suspiciously. Gaby: "Why don't you come upstairs and find out." Carlos isn't having it; he knows that afternoon sex means that Gaby wants something. In this case, it's a ski chalet in Aspen. Since when does Gaby ski?

Carlos tells Gaby it's not going to happen, so she ups her offer to "honeymoon sex." For a moment, Carlos seems to go into a prolonged fantasy of how amazing that would be, but ultimately he has to say no. See, Mike the douche is just ruining everyone's good time, isn't he? He tells Gaby that their money is tied up in "business deals" and instantly Gaby wants to know what exactly he's talking about. Carlos point blank ignores her request and asks her if she'd like to have sex just because she loves him. Gaby walks away in a snit. Ha!

Mike arrives home to find Susan lounging on a piano in the middle of their living room. She greets him by tapping C and E a couple of times with her fingers and asks him if he likes it. "Susan," says Mike slowly, "why is there a big ass piano in our house?" Susan corrects him that it's not a Big Ass, it's a Yamaha. Ah ha ha ha. Very clever, Susan. She sits up and strokes the top of the piano lovingly. Mike scoots over to the window and subtly closes the curtains as he asks Susan how much the piano cost. Turns out that she inherited it from an aunt. Wow, people are just leaving Susan big expensive inheritances left and right this season, aren't they?

Mike could care less about the piano as long as it was free. Eagerly, Susan hops off the table and tells Mike that yes, the piano was free, but as far as Gaby is concerned it cost thirty thousand dollars. Okay, first of all, on what planet would Gaby be dumb enough to think that Susan suddenly has thirty thousand dollars to plunk down on a piano. Second of all, why would Susan even waste that much money on an instrument she doesn't even play? Dumb ass plan, Susan. Instead of pointing this out, Mike just asks, "What? Why?" Susan quickly explains that she's sick of hearing Gaby brag about how much money she spends and that this is her turn to get Gaby back. Okay, I'll admit that I'd be sick of listening to Gaby talk about that too, but that's because it's boring. I don't think that's how Susan sees it.

"Don't stoop to her level. You're better than that," Mike lies; she's so not better than that. Susan agrees with me. "Susan, I'm not kidding. You're not telling Gaby we paid for this piano," says Mike, walking away from his wife. Susan turns into a whiny child and yells at Mike that her aunt had a stroke while driving; "When am I ever gonna get that lucky again?!" Nice.

Bree and Sam are shopping together at a grocery store. How cute. Bree complains that the store is out of cilantro and the duo agrees that it's absurd. They make small talk about what other items they need--Bree has to go to the kosher aisle since she's catering yet another bar mitzvah--when suddenly Sam's face contorts in shock at the sight of a small blond woman. Bree turns and gets a good look at the woman as Sam says that they need baking soda. He walks away to get it, but he's really just pursuing the woman. They turn the corner together out of Bree's line of vision, but she realizes they already have baking soda and goes after Sam.

Sam and the woman are arguing. He wants to know what she's doing there and she says she has to work someplace. Well, truer words were never spoken. Everyone has to work someplace. Bree looks on in concern until Sam spots her and then she smiles and says that he already got baking soda. Sam storms away from the woman back to Bree and pretends that everything is okay. Of course, Bree wants to know who the woman is. "No one," Sam lies. "Someone I used to know." He goes on to say that he was just complaining about the lack of cilantro and then casually mentions that he and Bree should go to another market. Quickly he walks away and Bree gives one last puzzled look to the other woman.

Over at the hospital I'm disappointed to report that Nick is neither dead nor in a coma. He is, however, confined to a hospital bed. Angie comes into the room with a vase of flowers and casually greets him, as though he bumped his knee instead of being hit by a car. They banter for a second and the whole point is to let the audience know that Angie thinks this was a random hit and run. We, and Nick, know better. "What kind of person just hits you and drives away?" asks Angie. Why don't you go over to Bree's and ask? Ba dum dum! Don't you love that not one resident of Wisteria Lane cares that Nick was hit by a car? Either they disdain the Bolens as much as I do or they're just so used to it they're immune.

Anyway, Nick has an inkling that Patrick was the one who ran him over. He tells Angie how deliberate the attack was and how he thinks he was personally targeted. Apparently only one person could hate him enough to do that. Nick wants Angie and Danny to go on the run again, but Angie isn't having it because he's not "travel ready." Ha! He wants her to go to some place in Carbondale that they talked about to hide out, but Angie won't go without him. I get that this scene is supposed to be touching and all, but I honestly don't give a crap. Finally they agree that Danny will go hide out and Nick and Angie will wait it out. Thank God this is over.

Commercials.

Eddie is lying on the Scavos' couch when Lynette comes into the room and turns on a light. Is the couch his bed? And he doesn't even get a blanket or pillow? He's not in his pajamas, though, so maybe he's just hanging out in the living room in the middle of the night. It's odd. Lynette asks if she can talk to him for a minute and Eddie sits up and says sure. "It's about what happened with Porter," she says as she comes around the couch to stand in front of Eddie. "Are you mad?" asks Eddie. "You're mad!" Lynette denies this rather calmly, but Eddie's working himself into a panic and thinks Lynette wants him to leave. "No. No, I just wanna talk," says Lynette. Her voice is so soothing. Maybe she'll be able to talk Eddie down when he inevitably goes super crazy on her and she finds out that he killed all those girls.

"You looked like you really wanted to hurt him," says Lynette, "and I kind of need to know what that's about." Kind of? Wow. I get that Lynette sees herself in this kid and really wants to help him, but I'd say that it's kind of bizarre that she's so calm about all of this. For a woman who is super protective of her kids it seems odd that she wouldn't be more upset by this. "Your family doesn't seem to care how much you help them," explains Eddie. "You're a great mom and they just push you around. And it made me angry." Lynette, looking understanding, but concerned, says, "Yes, I saw that. And sometimes my family can be unappreciative, but what happened today can never happen again." There's something about the way Felicity Huffman says the word "unappreciative" that just succinctly expressed so much about Lynette--almost like an acknowledgment that yes, her family can make her crazy, but she loves them more than anything else in the world and she'll kill anyone who hurts them.

Lynette sits down on the coffee table and Eddie says that he knows. Quietly, Lynette says, "Listen, I grew up with an alcoholic mother." Recognition spreads over Eddie's face as he realizes for the first time why Lynette has latched onto him. She continues, "I know what it feels like to be angry all the time. But when I was your age I had to find a way to control myself." Eddie: "How did you do that?" Lynette gives a sad little smile and shakes her head. "A lot of help. One thing: I had a great counselor at school and she taught me that whenever I was about to lose it that I should do this." She pats her hand over her heart and begins to take deep breaths in and out, slowly counting up with each breath. "That really works?" asks Eddie and you have to wonder if he's thinking that everything could have been different if someone had just taught him this trick ten years ago. "It really does," says Lynette. "It gives you a chance to step back, feel like you're in control. You should try it next time. You'll see." Man, how much would I love to see some flashbacks to when these girls were teenagers? Lynette automatically fascinates me because she's my favorite character, but the other women would be just as interesting.

Eddie agrees to try Lynette's trick next time and as Lynette stands up to go back to bed he apologizes for his earlier behavior. "It's fine. Just don't ever do it again," says Lynette. "But thank you for wanting to." Again, just a tad bit odd, though I understand the sentiment of what she means. I wonder if Lynette's kids know anything about her screwed up childhood. Somehow I doubt it.

In an abrupt change of atmosphere, Gaby is in an office yelling at hers and Carlos' business manager. She wants to know what Carlos did with their money, but Larry (the poor guy she's screaming at) won't tell her. Larry stupidly tells Gaby to talk to Carlos about it; Gaby says she tried but Carlos wouldn't 'fess up. When Larry still won't tell her, Gaby grabs his hand and sticks it on her ass. "What are you doing?" demands Larry. "I don't want to be a liar when I go home and I'm in tears and Carlos asks me why and I say you grabbed my ass," explains Gaby. Realizing he's backed into a corner, Larry admits that Carlos gave fifty thousand dollars to one of their neighbors: Mike Delfino, whose business is in trouble. Suddenly Gaby is all concerns; she can't believe Susan hasn't said anything to her about it. Larry begs her not to tell Carlos and Gaby distractedly agrees. Then she forces him to assault her again to get her parking validated.

Over at the Bolens, Angie is counting out cash for Danny to take with him into hiding. Danny's not exactly thrilled about this. He goes so far as to question whether Patrick is even still alive. Wait until he finds out that he basically told Patrick to kill his mom. "Danny, I'm not going to debate this with you," says Angie. Danny thinks that Patrick should have bigger things on his mind than revenge. Yeah, like getting his novel published. Angie asks Danny to humor her and Danny takes the cash.

Bree's back at the supermarket to do a little snooping. She tracks down the blond woman from the other day and awkwardly greets her. The other woman isn't overly friendly to Bree, even after Bree mentions Sam and introduces herself. "Well this is none of my business," says Bree, implying that she doesn't care, "but I noticed that there was some tension between you two." "You could say that," agrees the woman. Bree: "Oh, well I hope everything is okay." The woman shuts her eyes, unable to take any more of Bree's not-so-subtle snooping. "What is it you want?" she asks. "Well I don't know," says Bree. "There was just something so odd about that encounter. I don't understand why he would talk to a friend like that." Well, Sam never said she was a friend, just someone he used to know. Woman: "Maybe that's because I'm not his friend. I'm his mother." Well I totally didn't see that one coming. Not.

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We return to the grocery store where Sam's mom (whose name tag tells me she's known as Lillian) brings Bree a cup of coffee. She's got kind of a Maisy Gibbons-esque quality which is almost continuity. Almost. Lillian says that she has a five minute break for them to talk. "Are you aware that Sam goes around telling people that you're--" Lillian: "Dead. Yes, I heard." Okay, let me be frank here. I was really hoping that Sam was going to turn out to be full-blown crazy and just making up this whole thing about Rex, but as this scene goes on we'll learn that's not the truth. And while he's obviously nuts, it's not in any way extreme and this whole plot has just become kind of stupid and it doesn't make any sense. So I'm going to be brief. Basically, once Rex opened his own practice and started rolling in dough, he wrote Sam's mom a letter and offered to take custody of him to give him a better life. Sam's mom turned him down. Recently Sam found the letter, flipped out and basically reamed his mother out for not giving him away. Stupid, right? Like, why the hell would Rex offer to take custody of a kid without asking Bree first? And why wouldn't he send Lillian child support if he cared that much about Sam having a good life? This whole thing is stupid and once it ends I'm going to pretend that it never existed in much the same way that I pretend Kayla Scavo never existed. And I will be happy in my denial.

Gaby arrives at Susan's house with a sympathetic smile plastered on her face. She makes up a silly little story about buying too many groceries at the store and deciding to give them away before they go bad. Susan was the first person who came to mind. When Susan points out that canned peaches and condensed milk don't go bad, Gaby's lies become even worse and she says her pantry was too crowded. At that point Susan just agrees to take them; as Gaby turns to leave Susan invites her inside to show her something. Judging by the big stupid grin on her face, it's the piano.

Yep. Gaby spots in and says, "Wow," while Susan explains that they just got it. Susan leans against the piano, kind of flirting with it, and says MJ is going to take lessons. Gaby asks if Susan shouldn't have started with a cheaper instrument, but Susan says she liked it and so she got it. Actually, she kind of baby talks, but I'm going to ignore that. Gaby asks how much the piano costs and Susan lies that it was thirty grand. "What?" gasps Gaby. Casually she asks if this is the best time to be dropping so much on a piano, what with Mike's truck being repossessed and all. "Things finally turned around. He got a big cash infusion," explains Susan. Gaby's face tightens somewhere between suspicious and annoyed. "You don't say."

Unaware that Gaby isn't jealous, but angry, Susan goes on to suggest that Juanita and Celia can take lessons on her piano if Gaby wants. Unable to stand any more of this, Gaby gives a curt goodbye and walks out as Susan practically drools on the piano. Two seconds later, Gaby returns and demands, "You owe me fifty thousand dollars!"

Susan: "What?" Gaby bitches that Mike's cash infusion cost her the ski house, but Susan doesn't have a clue what she's talking about. "Oh don't play dumb," says Gaby. "Carlos loaned Mike the fifty grand and you know it!" Susan's face attempts to register shock and Gaby says, "Why are you looking like you don't know it?" Heh. Susan: "He told me business picked up?" Gaby: "Well he lied. Just like Carlos lied to me about where our money went. Which you went and spent on a piano!" Susan quickly explains the piano caper and Gaby admits that under different circumstances Susan's scheme would have worked. Poor Susan is aghast that Mike would borrow the money from the Solises instead of taking Karl's strip club money. I agree, Susan. You're married to a douche. Susan grabs her phone and tells Gaby she's going to call Mike and yell at him; Gaby stops her. "No, no, no, no, no," she says. "I have a better idea."

That evening Lynette's sitting at home reading a magazine when Tom comes in wheeling a suitcase behind him. "There you are!" says Lynette cheerfully as Tom stomps into the kitchen. Eddie's sitting in there doing what looks like the geography homework of a 4th grader. Tom complains that his flight was horrible because it was delayed, there was turbulence and then they ran out of food. Speaking of, Tom's extra upset to see that there's not a plate of food waiting for him on the table. "There was one," says Lynette, "but one of our fifty children must have inhaled it." Ha! At this point, Tom descends to the maturity level of a ten-year-old. "Damn it!" he swears as Lynette tells him to calm down. "Lynette, no, I'm hungry! When you were working I always had food waiting for you!" EH! Wrong thing to say, Tom.

Lynette snaps her magazine shut and glares at Tom. "Oh that's right, you were very considerate in your eighth month," she snarks. Tom whips out his sarcasm: "I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. You're the only person who's ever been pregnant before!" He turns his back on his wife and Lynette gets up and offers to order a pizza. "And wait an hour? Forget it. I'll fend for myself." He heads over to the fridge. At this point, Eddie begins Lynette's breathing exercise and she shoots him a worried look, reassuring him that she's fine. For real. If anyone can hold her own, it's Lynette.

Tom turns around and starts to yell that there's no food in the fridge. "Come on, Lynette. You didn't go to the store today?" he demands. Lynette: "Sweetie, you might want to take it down a notch." Oblivious, Tom continues, "I have been to three cities in two days. You'd think you'd find the time to go to the market." Suddenly Tom notices Eddie; "What the hell is he doing?"

"Eddie, it's okay!" says Lynette, ignoring Tom. Tom gives her the most hilariously incredulous look. It's amazing. Tom: "Tell him to stick a sock in it." Eddie stands up and Lynette rushes over to Tom saying, "Okay! You need to kiss me!" Tom literally mouths, "What?" to her right before she plants a big wet one on him. Tom returns the kiss, though his face reads complete curiosity. Lynette turns to look at Eddie, forcing Tom to as well since she's holding his face in her hands and she still has her lips locked with his, and says, "Okay. Okay, we're good. He loves me. He loves me." She kisses him several more times while still watching Eddie; it's adorable--especially as Tom responds to her kisses while looking completely perturbed by this turn of events. Eddie sits down and stops counting and Lynette tells Tom they'll talk about it later.

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Later turns out to be after the commercial break. Tom and Lynette are unpacking Tom's suitcase and apparently during the break Lynette filled Tom in on what's been going on at home. "So Eddie attacked out son?" he asks. "Okay, I'd use attack, but with a small 'a,'" says Lynette. Tom doesn't care and says that he wants Eddie out of the house. Finally a voice of reason. Lynette: "Look, Eddie is not some exchange student from France. He comes from an abusive home. We have to accept that he has some baggage." Well that's a really odd thing to say. Why would it be so easy to kick out an exchange student you promised to board? That comparison doesn't fly with me.

Tom manages to take exactly the wrong approach here: "So I have to wonder if he's gonna punch me any time I raise my voice to you?" Heh. Remember when Carlos' seeing eye dog growled at Gaby whenever she yelled at Carlos? I guess that's what Eddie is like: a protective dog. "I am not sending him back to live with that woman, Tom," says Lynette. Tom gives her his patented, "You're acting crazy, but I know why and there's nothing I can do to change it so I'm screwed" look. Surprisingly, Lynette suggests therapy. I guess her stint with Daphne really turned her around on the idea. Tom isn't too thrilled with that suggestion, though. Lynette: "Okay, here's a thought. Why don't we all stop yelling at me? Oh what a concept: Be nice to Lynette." Heh. But the real question is would Lynette stop yelling at him in return? "Fine," says Tom. "We'll try the therapy." He heads to the bathroom and Lynette gives him a dirty look.

Bree is in her test kitchen arranging flowers in a vase and complaining to Orson about little liar Sam. Orson can't help but rub it in: "I guess my instincts about Sam were right, wouldn't you say?" Bree: "What did I say about gloating?" Orson: "Something. I wasn't listening. I was thinking about how right I was." Hee! Bree doesn't laugh so Orson promises to behave.

"When Sam first showed up I felt like I got a little piece of Rex back," says Bree. Because Danielle and Andrew weren't enough? I find that that's an odd thing to say. "It was wonderful. I guess this has forced me to remember that Rex was a liar too." Oh yeah. Sam's lying was what did it. Not his illegitimate son showing up after all these years. Sometimes I wonder how Bree's mind works. Orson reaches out a hand and Bree takes it gratefully.

Just then, Sam enters the kitchen. He asks if he's interrupting, but Bree ignores this and just asks Orson to please leave. "Is everything all right?" asks Sam as Orson is wheeling away. "Actually Sam," begins Bree, but Orson cuts her off: "Wait! Wait! I'm still here!" Hee! He wheels out of the room and Bree continues. I went back to the supermarket today." Judging by the look on Sam's face, he knows that it wasn't for groceries. "Oh," he says. "I take it you met my mother."

"Why did you say she was dead?" gasps Bree. Why do I get the impression that it's not so much that Sam lied, but what his lie actually was that bothers Bree so much? Almost as if that's the worst thing in the world a person could lie about and she lives in mortal dread that one of her kids would claim she's dead. I'm not sure Andrew or Danielle could pass up the opportunity to bitch about her, though, so she shouldn't worry. "She is dead. To me," says Sam. And we're back to the ridiculousness of why Sam is such an angry robot. "Did she tell you I found a letter my father wrote, begging me to come live with him?" he asks. Uh, why did she save the letter all these years? Was she planning to blackmail him with it someday? So odd.

"That's no excuse!" says Bree. She tells Sam that his mother loved him and obviously wanted him by her side. RoboSam punches the table and yells that his mother should have wanted him to have nice bicycles and good television instead. Oh, well when he puts it like that now I can see that this misplaced anger isn't stupid at all. "If she had loved me she would have let me live the life that I was entitled to!" he screams as he throws Bree's vase of flowers across the room. It lands in the sink which, as my sis pointed out, is at least easy clean up. The sound seems to shake Sam from his stupor of rage and he calmly says that he's going to work on the bar mitzvah they're catering; he'll be around if Bree wants to go over the menu with him later. Bree stares at him, obviously shocked and upset.

The next day, I presume, Lynette is reading another magazine, but this time it's in the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office. The door opens and Eddie comes out with the doctor as Lynette struggles to stand and asks how it went. Eddie says it was okay and the doctor says he did very good work. He directs Eddie to the bathroom and Eddie leaves. "So you said good work. Does that mean it went well?" asks Lynette the second Eddie is gone. I'll give her some props because it doesn't come off as nosy so much as concerned. "That means Eddie's got some issues," says the doctor. Understatement of the century. "And it's going to take some time to work through them." Lynette: "Okay, how much more time at a hundred and thirty dollars an hour?" Holy crap! At that rate the doc better figure out he's a serial killer but quick.

The doctor says that therapy would go faster if Eddie's mom came, but Eddie doesn't think she'd agree to it. Yeah, because she's dead. "Really? If you think it would help I can get her in here," promises Lynette. The doctor says that would be great and turns to go back into his office, but Lynette quickly says, "Okay, and then...And then everything will be okay. Right?" Oh Lynette. I kind of want to give you a sympathy hug. It's almost like she's trying to make up for her own crappy childhood through Eddie and it's all going to come crashing down around her. It's pretty depressing. The doctor doesn't answer here; just reiterates that she needs to get Barbara in the office.

Cut to Lynette ringing Barbara's doorbell. Of course, no matter how much noise Lynette makes, nothing is bringing Barbara to that door. After a few minutes, Lynette heads back to her car. As she's walking, a neighbor asks if she's looking for Barbara and Lynette says yes. "Nobody's seen her for days and her car's still there," says the neighbor. "It's weird." From the look on Lynette's face I'd take a gander that she thinks it goes beyond weird to downright suspicious.

Over at Bree's, Andrew arrives looking scruffy and unemployed. "Rumor has it you've got something for me," he says and Bree turns and stares at him. "Just an apology," she says. Wow, I wonder how much it hurt to say those words. Bree never voluntarily apologizes. Never. Remember when she smacked Preston and Lynette had to be the one to apologize? Remember when she lost Lynette's kids and she finally only said she was sorry because she needed Lynette to be on her side at the deposition? Remember when she left Andrew on the side of the road and he later thanked her for it? Bree NEVER admits she's wrong. Excuse me while I go into a shock-induced coma.

"Well as long as it comes with one of your muffins I may just accept it," says Andrew. Dude, you're driving a steep price here. "Oh Andrew," says Bree and she and her son hug. Aw, how sweet. "Orson told me about Sam," says Andrew. Bree admits that Andrew was right from the start and that she never should have trusted him. "Wow, I don't even need the muffin now," says Andrew. Eh, I'd demand it anyway. "Now that that's settled what are we going to do about Sam?" pipes up Orson. Andrew says they'll get rid of him. Yeah, throw him in the river with some cement shoes. Or, better yet, pawn him off on Rex's mom. Bree says it won't be so easy since Sam has a violent side. "To be perfectly honest, I'm afraid of him," she says. Well, I guess we all know what would have happened to Eddie if he'd ended up at Bree's.

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Carlos and Gaby arrive at the Delfinos' for dinner. Susan is wearing a boobtastic shirt, which I only point out because it comes into play later in the scene. Susan lies that dinner was just an excuse to get the Solises over so they could see her new piano. "Oh my gosh. You bought a piano," says Gaby, acting over-the-top. Carlos: "Wow, that looks pricey." Susan launches into her thirty grand lie, but goes even further to include shipping and bi-annual tuning fees. Heh. She begs them not to mention it to Mike because he thinks it's ostentatious. "In fact, he keeps telling everyone I inherited it from my aunt, so just go with it!" she says.

Mike comes downstairs and Susan and Gaby go to check on dinner. As soon as the girls are out of the room, Carlos says, "Dude, we need to talk. A piano?" Of course Mike says that Susan inherited it and Carlos doesn't believe him thanks to Susan's lies. Susan walks back in the room with a stack of plates and asks if someone will help her set the table; Gaby instantly volunteers Carlos for the job. Susan drags Carlos off to the dining room that I didn't know existed and Gaby takes Mike to the kitchen to pour drinks.

Mike uncorks a wine bottle and asks if Carlos and Gaby have any big summer plans. Immediately Gaby launches into a pathetically fake crying jag, even going so far as to dab her eyes with an oven mitt. I can't believe Mike is falling for this. "If you need to talk Susan's in the other room," he says. Hardy har har. It suddenly strikes me that I can probably count on one hand the number of scenes these two couples have had together, let alone separated by partner. "I think Carlos is having an affair," says Gaby. "What? Why would you think that?" asks Mike. Gaby says that Carlos has been acting really secretive and that she discovered fifty thousand dollars missing from their account. Panicked, Mike tells her that there's probably a perfectly good explanation. As he strenuously denies that Carlos would be cheating, Gaby suddenly becomes suspicious that he knows more than he's letting on.

"No!" says Mike as Gaby comes closer. She claims that Carlos has called Mike's house "like a hundred times." That positively puzzles Mike; "Well he hasn't been talking to me!" "Really?" asks Gaby. "Well the next time he's not talking to you, you might want to give him the name of your divorce lawyer."

In the dining room, Susan is similarly messing with Carlos. She pretends that she lost the earring she claims she just spent three grand on and Carlos' eyes bug out of his head. "You bought three thousand dollar earrings?" he asks. Susan: "Oh of course not. Mike did." Poor Carlos is going to have a stroke. "Carlos, I never noticed before," says Susan. "You have a really veiny forehead." HA!

A few minutes later, the men have managed to escape and Mike comes up to Carlos to tell him they have a problem. "No kidding," growls Carlos. "Wait, you know?" asks Mike. "Did Gaby say something?" Carlos: "No, I heard it all from Susan." Mike: "Oh well it's not surprising the way those two talk. But luckily it's not true." Carlos: "Come on, Mike, lets stop the lies. It's true and we both know it." Mike looks confused and disgusted. "It is?" he asks. Carlos: "Don't act surprised! God, this whole thing was a mistake. I never should have written that check!" Mike: "Oh man, you paid for it?" Unfortunately this conversation ends at this point because the girls come back into the room with dinner. The group sits down at the table. The scene that follows is so funny that I think I'll transcribe it directly.

Susan leans over Carlos in her boobtastic shirt to offer him some food. "You want some meatballs, Carlos? I've got two nice big ones right here for ya," she says as Carlos' eyes go straight to her boobs.

Carlos: "Nope. I'm fine."

Gaby: "I saw that."

Carlos: "Saw what?"

Gaby: "You leering at Susan's breasts!"

Carlos: "I was looking at the pasta. Susan's breasts just happened to be hovering nearby."

Susan: "Gaby, leave Carlos alone."

Gaby: "Oh my God! It's you!"

Susan: "Excuse me?"

Gaby: "You're the one Carlos is having an affair with!"

Carlos' eyes grow gigantic as he turns to Gaby. "What?" he and then Mike demand.

Gaby: "Makes perfect sense. That's why there were all those calls to this house from his cell phone."

Carlos: "You looked at my cell phone?"

Gaby: "Yes! And thank God I did!" She glares at Susan and screams, "Whore! Shamelessly shoving your meatballs in my husband's face!"

Susan: "There was no shoving. Sometimes they spontaneously heave."

Carlos: "Have you lost your mind? I am not having an affair with Susan. Mike, you believe me, right?"

Mike: "Yeah. I guess. But why are you calling over here all the time?"

Carlos: "I'm not! I always call your cell! Susan, say something!"

Susan: "Forget it, Carlos. We might as well confess."

Carlos' face contorts so visibly in rage that it shakes. "Confess what?" he demands.

Susan turns to Mike. "You wouldn't talk my money when you were in trouble and well, I've always known Carlos has a thing for me. I told him I would sleep with him if he would loan you the money."

As Gaby gasps, Carlos look completely horrified. Mike stands up, ready to attack Carlos, and Carlos instantly insists that he was only helping out a friend in trouble who then betrayed him by wasting the money on a piano. At this point the jig is up. Susan admits that she knows the truth about the loan and the boys slowly realize their wives were just screwing with them. "So tell me, Mike," says Susan. "Do you feel betrayed? Humiliated? Good! Because I only did this to show you what it's like when the person who is supposed to love you the most betrays you!" Susan storms away and Gaby adds, "Well I just did it because I want a ski chalet." Heh. Fantastic scene.

Commercials.

Later that night the Solises are gone and Mike apologizes to Susan. Susan makes him promise that he'll never freeze her out again and Mike swears not to. Well, it's about time, douche. "So is this everything?" asks Susan as she looks through Mike's high tech system of keeping records in shoeboxes. "Yep. You sure you don't want me to walk you through it?" Susan says she'll be fine and that she'll come get him if she has any questions. Mike kisses the top of Susan's head and leaves her to look through the shambles of any trust that remains in her marriage.

Back in the hospital room of no one gives a damn, Angie's fighting with Nick. Apparently they want to induce a coma to cut down on the swelling in his brain. Oh darn. Let me shed a tear. He'll be out for a couple of days and guess what? He still wants Angie to join Danny. Angie, on the other hand, wants to bring Danny home since nothing has happened in three days. Nick says no and proceeds to try to leave the bed so he can drag Angie to safety. In the face of such insanity, she agrees to go. They have a "touching" moment that I can only hope means one or both of them will soon be dead.

Angie arrives home to find her house blanketed by lit candles. It would be romantic if it wasn't so creeptastic. Guess who's there? Go ahead. Guess. It's Patrick. Surprise! He's just sitting there with Angie's gun and he doesn't have a care in the world. "Go to hell," Angie says. Patrick makes fun of her for saying that. I continue to not care. Angie says that she sent Danny away and Patrick will never find him. "That's okay. We're not that close," says Patrick. Heh. Maybe he realized what a stupid turd Danny is and no longer wants to claim paternity. Angie asks if he's going to kill her. Unfortunately the answer is no. Patrick wants her to do him a favor, but we have to wait to find out what it is since Patrick is tired from running over "Dudley Douchebag." HA! Patrick declares he's spending the night; Angie is less than thrilled with this idea. Too bad for Angie, Patrick threatens to kill Nick if Angie runs away. Oh no! Not Nick! He promises that if Angie does what he says he'll let her and Nick live.

"Mysterious men," says Mary Alice as Patrick heads upstairs. "They make promises they have no intention of keeping." Let's hope so, Mary Alice. Cut to the test kitchen where Bree gives Sam a worried look. "They tell lies to get what they want." Next up is a shot of Penny and Eddie playing checkers together as Lynette watches, obviously concerned. Yeah, I am too. That is super creepy. "They may be more dangerous than they seem." We end with a shot of Susan looking pensively out the window as Mary Alice says, "Yes, our mothers told us we cannot trust the men we don't know." Susan looks over at Mike asleep in their bed. "And those we do know? Well, we can't always trust them either." Hey, as long as they don't break up again, Susan can not trust him all she wants.

That was a really good episode. All of the Scavo scenes had an emotional resonance that made them stellar and the Solis/Defino plot was simply hilarious despite how stupid the men were acting. This Bree/Sam thing has descended into complete absurdity, but I'll watch Andrew and Orson any day. The only thing that sucked was the Angie plot, but what else is new? At least it didn't take up much screen time. Overall I'd give this episode an B+.