Season Seven, Episode Three: "Truly Content"
Tom sits on his porch looking very glum but fetching in a daring paisley print tie. Never one to hesitate to state the obvious, Mary Alice says, "Tom Scavo was depressed, and his wife had done everything she could to cheer him up." The camera pulls back to reveal Lynette standing in the doorway looking gravely concerned. Whenever they do exterior shots into the Scavo house like this I'm always distracted by how the shot doesn't match their actual interior. But there's no time to be distracted because Mary Alice is already explaining the ways in which Lynette tried to cheer Tom up. She made his favorite meals, told her funniest jokes, and put on her sexiest lingerie. Each of these points is illustrated by a visual example while Tom just stares with that same mopey expression on his face. Clearly, none of it worked.
"Finally, Lynette insisted her husband go to the doctor," says Mary Alice as Lynette approaches Tom and hands him car keys and a business card. Tom doesn't look happy about this. Later, Tom arrives home and hands Lynette a prescription ("For trouble," Mary Alice informs us. She's so clever). As Tom heads up the stairs, Lynette is dismayed to see that the doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication. Tom says that the doctor told him it would help, but Lynette isn't convinced, seeing that the doctor only spent twenty minutes with him. "I need this medicine," Tom firmly insists, obviously forgetting who he's talking to. Lynette says that those medicines scare her (although I have seen them do wonders for people), but Tom tells her he has to do something. "I am so tired of feeling this way," he says pitiably. Depression is the worst.
Lynette tries to tell Tom that he's gone through rough patches before and pulled through just fine, but he's not having it. He tells her that she doesn't know what it's like inside of his head, turning to run up the stairs. Not giving up, Lynette bounds after him (so they're both standing on the landing which is a really unusual place for them to have a scene) and apologizes profusely. She does, however, have another suggestion: going to see a holistic doctor that Susan once saw. Tom is skeptical, but Lynette insists. "Whatever he says, I'll go with it," she says. Well, that spells certain doom like nothing I've ever heard. Tom just looks at her sadly and goes upstairs.
A day or two later, Lynette is putting the baby down for a nap when Tom comes home in a much more jovial mood. He saw the new doctor and loved him. Lynette is thrilled until she finds out that Dr. Feelgood prescribed medicinal marijuana for her husband. Cue the anvils of irony falling on her head. "Yes," says Mary Alice. "Tom Scavo had been battling depression. But he was now facing a much bigger battle with his wife."
Wee little credits.
"Happiness: it's something we all want," says Mary Alice as the camera pans down a positively hopping Wisteria Lane. "And so we search for it." Well that's profound. Over at the Solises', Celia (long time no see!) licks an ice cream cone. "Little girls find it in the taste of chocolate," our intrepid narrator continues. Meanwhile, Bob pulls out a snazzy new shirt and admires it. "Well-dressed men discover it at their local mall." Outside of the Scavos', Parker is chatting up some beautiful blonde girl. "Teenage boys experience it when talking to a pretty girl." We sum up this little expedition through the neighborhood with Susan, Lynette and Bree (muffin basket in hand), heading over to Paul's house. "And then there are housewives, who simply can't be happy until they've learned everything they can about the newest neighbor on the block." Oh Mary Alice, I do so love your generalizations.
Beth opens the door, positively beaming at the girls. I have to take a moment to question Lynette's shirt--it seriously looks like something she stole from Parker's closet. Very bizarre. Anyway, Bree lies that they're sorry to interrupt, but they wanted to welcome her to the neighborhood. She introduces Lynette and Susan, who Beth quickly realizes is her landlady. Susan is immediately sidetracked by the idea that Beth might have nailed pictures to the wall, but Bree forces her to remain on task by inviting Beth to their weekly poker game. Beth says she doesn't know how to play, but Susan tells her that they'll teach her (and then is promptly distracted by the possible ruin of her hardwood floors). This time, Lynette cuts her off, saying that while they're teaching Beth, they'll get to learn all about her. Cue Paul coming down the stairs behind Beth.
"Aw, that sounds fun!" says Beth as the girls notice Paul and get antsy. Bree calmly dismisses herself and the girls, Beth shuts the door, and Paul asks what the girls wanted. Beth explains, saying the girls were just being friendly. "On this street, never confuse being nosy with being friendly," he says. Word.
"Do you not want me to go?" asks Beth pitiably. Of course Paul wants her to go; he's going to use her as a spy (not that he tells her that in so many words). The most he tells her is that in time her friendship with them will be useful. Beth, understandably, is confused.
Over at Irresponsible Hospital, Jack pushes some legal papers toward Carlos and Gaby while cautioning them that they might want to read them first. "Why? Did a nurse get drunk and swap them with a different document?" snaps Carlos. Appropriately subdued, the hospital bigwig who is also there sums up that by signing it, Carlos and Gaby are waving their rights to bring legal action against the hospital. Carlos reminds him that by signing it, the hospital is agreeing to call off their search for the other family. Now that everyone is in agreement, Carlos jots his signature and shoves the papers toward Gaby. When she doesn't immediately jump at them, he says, "Babe, we talked about this. We don't know how this other family will react and we need to protect Juanita." Maybe you should just force her to sign like you did with that post-nup back in season one. Just reminding everyone now that Carlos can be one scary dude.
"Gabrielle, I can only imagine how you must feel," says Jack. Bad move, buddy. Gaby finally snaps to life, barking, "You can't begin to imagine how I feel! The only person who could is the woman who has my daughter." I can't even begin to describe the anguish and anger that Eva Longoria Parker puts into those lines; I have never heard Gaby speak so harshly. Finally, Gaby agrees to sign, if only to spare the other woman "this pain." And so she scribbles out her name.
Also upset: Bree. But for very different, less devastating reasons. Keith finished painting her dining room yellow; Bree doesn't love it, though she lies about that fact at first. "It's just so yellow," she protests. Keith tells her she'll grow to love it, especially as no one will even notice the color when she's in the room. Nice line, bud. Mercifully, the doorbell rings.
The second Bree opens the door, Renee snaps, "I hear you're getting divorced," and waltzes right into Bree's home. "I'm getting divorced too," Renee continues. "Since we both need guys, I'm thinking we should hang." Bree: "I don't know how much Lynette has told you about me, but I'm not really one for hanging." HA! Truer words were never spoken. Renee points out that one woman at a bar is sad; two is a girl's night out. Unsurprisingly, Bree isn't so sure, but Renee continues to insist, even telling Bree to let down her hair ("That hair does come down, doesn't it?"). Bree says that's not how she likes to meet men--another very true statement, although I doubt that she'll be doing another stint in the loony bin any time soon. Renee says that Bree can't expect to meet men just sitting around the house, but, with a sly look at Keith, Bree says that she'd be surprised. "You've met someone already?" asks Renee. Bree shrugs this off with a coy, "Maybe." "Well," huffs Renee, heading for the door, "a beautiful, classy woman who can get a man without leaving the house. I don't see us being friends." There are a lot of reasons I don't see you being friends, actually.
Ugh. Susan is once again doing her sexy housecleaning. Seriously, I don't know what the writers were smoking when they came up with this plot, but it is not endearing or funny. Ignoring my feelings, Susan simply vacuums off her apron and saucily jokes that she needs to sign off before she's completely naked. Then she presses her boobs right into the computer monitor and shuts off her webcam. Seconds later there's a knock at the door; it's Maxine, who is there with a bonus check for Susan. Yeah, turns out that Susan had the most hits that month. Uh-huh. Whatever. Maxine mentions (exposition alert!) that Susan ousted Stacy Strauss from the number one position, but Susan is too distracted by the money. She claims that she and Mike are finally starting to save a little cash. Good. Save up and move out of this dumbass plot. I'm over it. Maxine tells Susan to remember to treat herself, and then gleefully leaves after Susan mentions that she'll be mopping in bikini briefs the next day. Good grief.
Back at Bree's, she and Keith have moved outside and she's impressing him with a sandwich. Okay, really, where is Bree getting all the money for this (the remodel, not the sandwich)? As I recall, she didn't sell her business to Sam, she just handed it over. And Orson certainly doesn't have cash. In fact, she probably owes him alimony. So what gives? My questioning aside, Bree continues to blather about the sandwich and how depressing it is just to cook for one, but before she can work up the nerve to actually ask Keith out, his girlfriend pulls up and runs toward him.
"You have a girlfriend?" breathes Bree, clearly disheartened. "Of course you have a girlfriend who's young and pretty." Keith wonders what Bree was about to ask him, but she waves it off and heads down the street to where Renee is directing movers. "Let the stud hunt begin," she announces in that stoic Bree way of hers. Renee grins.
Commercials.
Gaby holds a bottle of wine, emotionally gazing at pictures of her and Juanita and breaking my heart all at once. It's amazing how there can be a plot this compelling and one as inane as Susan's all in one show. Bree walks up and beckons Gaby to come on, and Gaby distractedly follows her. Turns out that they're at poker, and Beth is in the middle of telling a strange story about her mom's revolving door of boyfriends while she grew up. "As soon as I'd learn their names, Mama would kick them out and there'd be a new toothbrush in the bathroom." Nice.
"So, Beth" says Gaby, "how did you and Paul meet anyway?" Prepare to board the crazy train. Beth says that she saw Paul's picture in the paper during the trial and his eyes spoke to her. Although the fact that he was a murderer gave her pause, she got to know him and realized the man he really was. "Hey, you can't help who you fall in love with, right?" she says. "Paul's a real lady killer." Heh. Beth goes on to say that she always knew that Paul was innocent. The ladies can't let this one lie; they give each other looks so pointed that even Beth picks up on it.
That night, Lynette is cooking dinner when Tom comes into the kitchen and starts pulling out all of the junk food they own. He's also wearing earphones and has sunglasses perched on his head. He mentions that he's preparing to take his medicine, claiming that increased appetite is a possible side effect. "I've never smoked pot before, so I wanna be prepared," he says. He's also planning to listen to Pink Floyd while he's high. It will surprise no one that Lynette doesn't think that Tom is taking this very seriously; in fact, she thinks he's living out some college fantasy. "The only reason I didn't smoke back then was because I signed the abstinence pledge with my Dungeons and Dragons club," he says. Was that a subset of the frat he was in?
Lynette has no words, simply turning back to the stove, but Tom decides to press his luck by asking if she wants to join him out behind the garage. "Come on, you need to take this seriously!" she says. Tom pretends that he is, but Lynette is skeptical. "How is it gonna look to the kids? I don't want them seeing their dad stoned." A valid point. And given Lynette's history with her own mother being high on marijuana, a pretty personal one as well. I honestly don't know how I feel about this plot. Tom's acting pretty casual for someone who kind of freaked out when his own wife was given marijuana for a (albeit unknowing) medicinal purpose. This seemed like something they were on the same page about back in season four.
Anyway, Tom says that the kids won't see him--that's what the sunglasses are for. Gathering his food, he leaves the room. Too bad for him, he forgot his meds and Lynette is his wife. It takes about five seconds for her to decide to dump the weed and swap it with oregano.
Meanwhile it's laundry night at the Delfinos'. They're in some communal laundry room discussing their anniversary, which is apparently that Saturday. Wow, the summer just flew by here on the Lane. Susan wants to go to someplace called Chez Naomi that Mike thinks is out of their price range. She says that they deserve a night out for working so hard, so he agrees, kisses her, and leaves her to her woman's work.
"So, Chez Naomi, huh?" says a redheaded woman who is also doing her laundry. "Expensive place." Awkwardly, Susan agrees and then introduces herself. Turns out that the redhead is Stacy Strauss. Surprise! Susan makes some awkward small talk about how they both work for Maxine, but Stacy isn't there for pleasantries. She gets all up in Susan's grill about Susan stealing one of her moves (putting a feather duster in her mouth). Susan has no knowledge of this, saying that she doesn't watch the other girls perform. I wish I didn't have to watch you perform, Susan. Wow, I suddenly had the strongest wish that Karl was still alive to throw this in Susan's face; you know he would be the perfect character to discover this double life. Too bad you killed him off for no reason, show.
With no inkling of how much better all of this would be if Karl was involved, Stacy pissily tells Susan to keep her duster out of her mouth and to watch her back. Then she stomps out of the room.
Back at the Scavos', Lynette is sorting stuff into a box when Tom enters the room. It's clear from the way he's walking and the stupid look on his face that he believes he's stoned, poor sap. For a second, though, Lynette seems to fear that he's about to accuse her of something; imagine her surprise when Tom declares that he's wasted. "Really?" asks Lynette as Tom sits down. "I am Lucy in the sky high," he jokes, and Lynette proceeds to wave her hand in his face, asking if it's an intense action. The cross-eyed, glassy look on Tom's face is all worth it. "And don't forget, tomorrow we have to trombone 3D banana patch," she babbles. Tom: "Man, this is some really strong stuff." Lynette: "Snow shovel." Tom: "Exactly." HAHAHA!
Tom holds out his hand for Lynette and starts to get starry eyed about the baby. "You know, I was just upstairs watching Paige sleep," he says (and upon learning the baby's name I cheered so loudly I almost missed the next part), "with her little fingers and her little toes. I must have watched her for like an hour. She is just so perfect. And I am so lucky. I couldn't feel happier than I do right now." At this point, Lynette is honestly moved, coming over and leaning down to kiss the top of Tom's head. "I'm just so happy it's working," she says, and she leaves Tom to his imagined high.
Gaby and Susan are shopping at some boutique I'm sure Susan can't afford. Gaby actually points this out when Susan asks for her opinion on a dress, but Susan says that things have been turning around. "I've been selling a lot of my jewelry." Gaby: "Get out!" HA! Susan continues to pretend that she could have afforded this stuff even in her heyday and rushes off to the dressing room.
Cue a little girl coming up and calling Gaby "mommy." Turns out that she has the wrong woman in a sexy red dress, but it's okay since her real mom runs up a second later. At first, Gaby simply brushes it off, but when the mother and daughter turn to leave, she stops them to ask how old the girl is. She's eight, of course, and the revelation spirals Gaby into a desperate quest for information (like when the girl's birthday is and where she was born). Understandably, the mother hurries away from this seeming craziness, leaving Gaby to stare after them with tears in her eyes. Suddenly she notices every little girl that's there; she's seeing them with new eyes, wondering if any of them might be her daughter.
Cut to Gaby at home that night. She's sitting at the table talking. "Standing there in the mall it just hit me," she explains. "I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if every little girl I see is my daughter. Not knowing where she is is like my heart living outside of my body. I have to find her." It turns out that she's talking to Bob, who says that he'll try to find the family if he can, although Sanchez is a fairly common name. Gaby says that she knows more than the hospital did, as she was talking to the other woman the day Juanita was born. She tells Bob where the woman used to live, as well as the name of the church where she planned to baptize her daughter. "That's gonna help," says Bob. Then he asks if Carlos is on board with the plan. "Absolutely," Gaby lies. Damn.
Commercials.
Maxine is on the phone ordering steak when Susan pops in to pick up her money. Man, how often does she get paid? Maxine directs Susan to the money--in her private viewing room--and orders her not to listen in on the conversation, as she's ordering the girls steaks for Christmas. Uh, okay. With a smile, Susan heads into the room and grabs her envelope only to be distracted by Stacy's online performance. To no one's surprise or interest, Stacy has stolen Susan's vacuum sucks off the apron bit, and Susan's ire is raised. She calls for Maxine, whining about the thievery, but Maxine really couldn't care less. Then Susan notices the keys for the apartments hanging on the wall and steals Stacy's.
That night, Renee shows up at Bree's, ready to party in a low cut, strapless dress. In a completely lovable move, Bree is dressed in a cardigan that's buttoned up to her neck. "You look like you're ready to tour the Reagan library," jokes Renee, and I wish Bree would invite her in to see the framed picture of Reagan she has. "This is a cocktail cardigan!" says Bree excitedly. "Look closely: the buttons are shiny!" I really love Bree right now. Renee demands to see Bree's closet.
Renee is no more impressed with Bree's closet, claiming it to be a portal to the 1950s. Kind of cutely, Bree claims that there's nothing wrong with her clothes, but Renee insists that she has to dress the part for a nightclub. Finally, Bree pulls out a pretty little black dress that Renee claims is acceptable, and goes to change.
Later, the girls sit at a bar and Renee groans that the place is dead. Bree is surprised, given the number of people there dancing, but Renee thinks that everyone must have hooked up early so they could be home in time for Nightline. Ha. Hilariously, Bree actually starts to talk about how interesting that night's episode sounded, only for Renee to interrupt her to point out a potential hottie. It should come as no surprise that it's Keith, who is sitting at the other end of the bar. Bree admits that she knows him, and then, despite her protests that Keith has a girlfriend, Renee wiggles her way down there to show him a good time.
Alone, Bree gives this funny, childish laugh that actually attracts the bartender's attention. He asks what's up and Bree tells him that her friend is about to make a fool of herself. Too bad for Bree, the bartender actually knows Keith, and he informs her that earlier that day Keith's girlfriend dumped him. Bree flees to the bathroom, and a lightbulb goes off over her head.
Cue Mrs. Van de Kamp coming back to the club with her dress on backward, this way the plunging back is now going way down her front. All I want to know is how they got Marcia Cross' boobs like that. I mean, they are out in full glory and somehow seem to be defying gravity. I can only imagine that there's a lot of tape involved. The more I stare at them, the more unnatural they look. It's beginning to freak me out, and I almost want to go back to the comforting embrace of her sweater sets. Let's move on with this, shall we?
Bree's boobs run smack into Keith as she comes down the stairs into the club. He makes some small talk with her, and then says he has to run because he has an early day. Proud of herself, Bree sashays over to Renee (who wholeheartedly approves of the boobs), who mentions that she's going home with Keith. "Do you think I should play the 'I hate going into a dark house alone' card," she asks, "or the more blatant, 'I'm not wearing underwear'? 'Cause I'm not." HA! Bree tries to warn her that Keith is fragile because he just broke up with his girlfriend, but Renee doesn't really care. As she heads out, Bree turns and nearly begs her not to go home with Keith. "Why? Oh, he's the one you like, isn't he?" asks Renee, dead on. Bree, bring Bree (even with her boobs), can't admit this, and tries to claim that she just doesn't want Renee to be labeled a slut. Raise your hand if you think Renee gives a damn. Yeah, that's right. She hustles on out of there, leaving Bree to hug her clutch to her bosom.
Commercials.
The show returns with an excellent shot of Bree's legs, crossed, as the camera slowly pans up her body. She's standing back on the Lane with a putter in hand, staring down the street at Renee's house. Her hair is down now, and even without the flip, she has a look on her face that is classically reminiscent of the Bree who once threw pee on her husband and shot a rifle at her ex-boyfriend's car. God, I miss that Bree. She pulls out her cell phone and calls Keith, asking him to come over to help her with a problem at the house. After he agrees, and she hangs up, she proceeds to whack off the heads of her sprinklers so the water shoots out.
Later, Keith inspects the problem, wondering who would do something like this. Bree shrugs it off: "Far be it from me to understand the minds of hooligans." HA! Then she pretends that she's sorry to have interrupted his evening. Keith says he wasn't up to anything special (Bree is thrilled by this news), and that seems to give her the courage to ask Keith over for dinner on Thursday. Even though she tries to pretend it's not a date, Keith knows what's up and doesn't have a problem with it.
The next day, Susan breaks into Stacy's house. Armed with a screwdriver, she finds Stacy's vacuum cleaner and goes to work.
Back on the Lane, Beth is watering her garden when she noticed Mrs. McCluskey heading on down the street. Beth shouts hello, and then she proceeds to hike up her skirt so she can climb over the fence and rush across the street. Hehehe. Beth is already so much more amusing than Susan. "I was hoping I might see you at the girls' poker game," explains Beth, somewhat strangely. Karen says she hasn't been allowed back since they caught her cheating, but Beth doesn't particularly care. Mostly she wants to know why the girls don't like Paul. At first, Karen pretends not to know, but when Beth insists, Karen explains that they think he's a murderer.
Understandably, Beth doesn't get why the neighborhood doesn't believe him now that Felicia has been found and he's been cleared. Karen explains the Martha Huber murder, saying that "Felicia may be a few fingers short of a high five, but if she's crazy, we all are." HA! I guess you all are then, because Felicia, right or wrong, is a complete lunatic.
Back at the apartments, Susan turns on Stacy's feed and sits down with a bag of popcorn. As Stacy goes to suck off her apron, the vacuum backfires and begins to spew dust all over Stacy. Susan laughs maniacally, and then turns on her own camera. As she starts to flirt with the camera, Stacy suddenly bursts in and accuses Susan of messing with her vacuum. The two of them start to get into a verbal sparring match, and then Stacy shoves Susan. The two of them get into a wrestling match, which doesn't go unnoticed by Maxine, who eventually comes into Susan's apartment to tell the girls to make sure to wrestle on screen. Because they are twelve, the girls start bitching to Maxine and then, honest to God, Maxine sends Stacy to her room. Uh, yeah. Okay then. No more words. Maxine asks if Susan is okay and then leaves.
Thankfully, we're back to Bree, who is watering her flowers when Renee comes up to bitch about Bree stealing Keith away from her bed. She doesn't buy the sprinkler destroying hooligan story. "Nobody steals a man out of my bed," snaps Renee. Then she says that she needs a hobby, and her new one will be destroying Bree. Hey, Renee may be a crazy bitch, but Bree is armed. I say bring it on.
Commercials.
Because tonight is the Susan show, we're back in the community laundry room when we get back. Stacy huffs in and says that Maxine ordered her to apologize, so here she is. Oh, whatever. Like this wasn't 90% Susan's fault. And isn't Maxine pissed that Susan stole her key? Why does this show expect me to believe that Susan craps sunshine out of her ass? I'm so sick of it. Susan isn't too impressed with Stacy's apology, so Stacy confesses that she shouldn't have stolen Susan's bit, she just freaked out when she didn't get the bonus check. She explains that she's been trying to get back home to Virginia, but it's hard to save up the money. Blah, blah, blah, Susan can relate; Stacy likes to splurge, which doesn't help her situation; by the end of the year, Stacy and Susan plan to be gone. Oh, and Stacy's been doing this six years, which depresses Susan.
Later, Susan returns with an empty laundry basket and tells Mike that she just wants to stay home and order Chinese for their anniversary. Mike the man's man Delfino is perfectly fine with this. And scene.
Over at Paul's, Beth serves him a sandwich, mentioning what a lovely time she had at the poker game. This serves as the perfect segue to say that the neighborhood thinks that Paul killed Martha. "I'm not a murderer, you know," says Paul, so convincingly that I wonder if he's tricked himself into believing it. Beth says that she knows, but that even if he was, she'd still be on his side. After all, she fell for him when she thought he was a murderer. Crazy.
Carlos sits on his steps in a suit when Tom wanders up. The fact that Tom isn't dressed for work makes me wonder if Carlos even bothers to make him show up anymore. Tom asks if Carlos is okay (because it's very obvious he's not), and Carlos says that it's been an intense couple of weeks. To say the least. Fortunately, Tom has the perfect solution. Oh jeez.
Cut to the boys hiding out in Carlos' garage with Tom's "medication." "Now, I gotta warn you," says Tom. "This stuff is chronic. I got totally baked off of it this morning." Chuckling, Carlos says that he never had Tom pegged as a stoner, and as the two of them sample Tom's stash, it's obvious that Carlos must have been "cooler" than Tom in college. "Tom," he says. "I hate to break this to you, but this isn't pot." Tom: "Tell me that in five minutes when we are soaring past the rings of Saturn." Hahahaha. Oh Tom. Carlos insists that it's oregano, but Tom says that he bought it at a legitimate supplier. "Then somebody must have switched it on you," says Carlos. For a second, Tom actually wonders who would do that before the truth dawns oh so clearly.
In their bathroom, Lynette shuts the medicine cabinet and actually jumps when she sees Tom standing behind her. "I know what you did," accuses Tom, but Lynette, bless her, plays innocent. "Whatever do you mean?" she asks, cocking her head a little seductively. Haha! Tom holds out his medicine, and Lynette shrugs. "Oh! Yeah, that was me." HA! Amazing. She walks past him into the bedroom, and Tom follows; he is fit to be tied. Lynette, on the other hand, thinks that it's a little funny that he thought he was getting high off of a pizza topping.
"My sense of betrayal is huge at this moment!" shouts Tom. I have to say, Tom doesn't get really pissed very often, but this is one of those times. Lynette seems to have no problem with it though, just joking, "Well why don't you snort some baking powder? You'll feel better." Tom: "I'm glad you're enjoying this. I'm glad you enjoy making a fool of me." Dejected, he flops down on the bed as Lynette actually seems to feel a twinge of guilt. "That was not my intention," she says, sitting down behind him. "I only threw out the pot because I didn't think you needed it." Tom whips around, but before he can protest, Lynette continues, "And you know, I was right! You got happy all on your own." Hilariously, Tom tells her not to justify her actions by pretending that it was a master plan. He should be glad that it wasn't a master plan; usually Lynette's go terribly, terribly wrong.
"For some reason, when you were high on oregano, you made a decision to live in the moment," explains Lynette. "You stood over our daughter's crib and you let go of the stress and the fear, and you focused on the good in your life." Tenderly, she leans down and kisses Tom's arm, and adds, "But I am sorry I tricked you."
"You're evil. I should have expected it," says Tom, half-joking. I mean, come on, this is totally Lynette. No one should be surprised by this. Tom stands up and tells Lynette that he's going to look at their beautiful daughter (because apparently all of his depression problems are solved). "Then I gotta turn that bong I made back into a lamp." Lynette smiles after him lovingly.
Commercials.
Gaby is putting on makeup when her phone rings. It's Bob with the news that he's found the other family; he says that he hasn't called them yet; he wanted to make sure that Gaby was certain. He warns her that after they do this, her family will be changed forever. Gaby hesitates, but sounds confident when she tells Bob to call them. She hangs up and glances over at Juanita, who sits on the floor playing with Gaby's hats. I have no words for how adorable she looks. Gaby calls her into the other room and asks if Juanita wants her to do her makeup. So cute. "Look how grown up you are," says Gaby. "Before you know it you're gonna be going to college, have boyfriends, get married." With the love and honesty only a little girl possesses, Juanita declares that she's not getting married. "I don't wanna leave you and Daddy. Ever." Oh my God. Every week so far this season, this show breaks my heart at the end. Why?
"Juanita," asks Gaby quietly, "you know how much I love you?" Juanita grins. "To the moon and back," she says, and that's it. I'm officially crying. Damn you, show! "No matter what happens, I will always love you to the moon and back," says Gaby. God, explain that to this little girl after she finds out that she's not really your kid. This is going to be devastating.
Outside, Carlos is closing his trunk when Bob runs over and says he needs to talk to him and Gaby. "Why?" asks Carlos, as Bob launches into a speech about how the other family freaked out when he told them the news. Carlos is baffled.
Back upstairs, Gaby sits on her dresser, announcing Juanita's runway debut into a hairbrush. A second later, Juanita twists into the room in a cute little green dress pretending to model. Suddenly Carlos appears, and it is clear that he is livid. He tells Gaby that he just spoke to Bob, no further explanation needed. Gaby hops off of the dresser and calmly tells Juanita to go to her room; after she leaves, Carlos shuts the door.
"How could you have done this?" Carlos shouts. He says that they had an agreement, but Gaby says that he rushed her. "Don't you understand what could happen?" he demands. Gaby says that their flesh and blood is out there and she needs to know how she is. Carlos doesn't care. "And what if they want Juanita back?" he snaps. "They could take her from us. They can do that now!" It's obvious that Gaby hasn't even considered that possibility. She shakily says that the other family won't want to give up their daughter, but Carlos yells that they don't know that. "If this ends badly, I will never forgive you. I mean it, Gabrielle. We're done." And Carlos rushes from the room, leaving Gaby alone with the heartbreaking realization that she might have destroyed her whole family.
"Happiness," says Mary Alice as we follow Carlos storming down the street, "it's something everyone searches for." The camera pauses on Susan's car, and she steps out and stares wistfully at her house. "Some are sure they'll find it once they move back home." Over at Bree's, she cooks as Mary Alice says, "Some think they'll find it by making a new friend." Next we go to Renee, standing outside sipping a cocktail. "Some hope to find it once they've defeated the competition." Finally, there's a shot of Tom sitting on his porch with a big smile. The camera pulls back to show Lynette next to him with the baby and Penny, and then a moment later Parker comes outside and sits down next to his dad. "Then there are those who stop searching for happiness because they look up one day to discover it was right there in front of them all the time."
I wish I could grade the storylines in this episode individually. Gaby and Carlos, for instance, would get an A+. This is the most interesting they've been in such a long time, and I love every second of it. Plus it's so refreshing to see Gaby do something besides complain about her children. I'd give the Lynette and Tom part of this a B+. Although I loved their scenes in this episode, I'm tired of them having these big problems that are brushed under the table with little resolution. Honestly, almost every time they give these two something juicy, they never let the actors play the conflict for much longer than an episode. For instance, the fact that they've never mentioned what happened with Eddie, or that the miscarriage was only spoken of twice after it happened. Or even the beginning of last year, when Lynette was questioning if she should even have the kids. And those are only things from recent history. For once I'd like to see them talk out a problem and actually solve it, instead of just pretending that everything is okay. It's never going to happen, though.
I'd give the Bree/Renee portion of this episode an A-. They had some great lines and I genuinely enjoyed Bree in this episode. She had a spark that's been missing for quite some time. I'd give the same grade to the scenes with Beth because she's so delightfully quirky. But the most I can give Susan is a C. Her plot was boring and aggravating; I'm tired of it. And since Susan was a majority of the episode, it really has to carry more weight than the other plots. So I'd say that the most I can give this overall is a B-. Hopefully next week will be lighter on the Susan or even a different Susan plot; I'd take either at this point. Here's hoping.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
DH recap: You Must Meet My Wife
Season Seven, Episode Two: "You Must Meet My Wife"
Keith is fixing little Juanita Maybe-Not-A-Solis' bike outside of Bree's house while Bree watches like a creeper from her upstairs window. Instead of pointing this out, Mary Alice comes in to say, "It had been a long time since Bree Van de Kamp was a little girl." Is it wrong that I'm kind of glad that Bree decided to go back to her original married name? Anyway, Bree steps away from the window, tightening whatever robe/jumpsuit she's wearing and sits down at a vanity as Mary Alice gets to the point: "But she could still remember everything she'd ever been told about sex." Cue flashbacks.
We see the back of a little red head with pink pigtails as an older woman furiously mixes something in a bowl. "Her grandmother informed her it was a woman's burden," says Mary Alice. Cut to the back of Bree's head number two--probably in her early teens now--sitting in church listening to a man on the pulpit. "Her minister warned her it was a sin." And finally, Bree sits in a classroom listening to a teacher (who seems to be dressed much too modernly for what would have been the 70s) talk about venereal diseases. "Her teacher taught her it was unhealthy." Back in the present day, Bree finishes pinning up her hair as Mary Alice summarizes, "Yes, everyone had told Bree her sexual urges were dangerous..." Bree steps outside, her hair now down for some reason, and stops short as she sees Keith sawing away at some wood. "...but no one had ever told her how to get rid of them." I would suggest boinking him, Bree.
Keith greets Bree, but she simply tells him she's off to the bank; he stops her with a hand to the arm and drags her over to look at the wood. "Whole new idea," he says. "I want to panel the study in this." Ew, that's pretty ugly. Apparently it's 200-year-old birch wood. Well, whatever floats your boat, guys. He makes Bree stroke the wood, taking her hand and running it over the plank. "You know what they call this? Witness wood. 'Cause it's seen so much history." HA! That is so lame. Lamer than his ensuing joke about sleeping through history class. Bree snatches her hand away and flees to her car.
"Yes, when Bree was a little girl, she'd been taught her sexual urges were dangerous," says Mary Alice as Bree--and the camera--ogle Keith's ass. Bree fastens her seatbelt and quickly backs up, running over something as she does. Leaping from the car, she hurries around to find poor little Juanita lying on the ground all banged up. "Unfortunately, she was about to learn those urges were dangerous for everyone." Sheesh.
I'm kind of conflicted about this plot for Bree. I mean, I get that she's all repressed, but she openly admitted to loving sex (to the wonderful Dr. Goldfine), had a very loving relationship with Orson up until everything went to hell, and then dallied around with Karl for the better part of last year. There has been a definite sexual progression of Bree throughout the seasons, and I feel like it's a bit of a backward step to have her go back to suppressing her urges. All she did last year was give into her desires, and she never really seemed to regret it (remember that whole episode with the maid judging her and Bree decided she didn't care?). Again, I wish that they had done more with Bree following Karl's death. That affair seems more and more arbitrary every day, not to mention Karl's death (which has been pointless from the start). Oh well.
Wee little credits.
We come back in a busy hospital as Mary Alice gets to her real theme of the week. "The doctors and nurses at Fairview Hospital are experts at healing," she says as we close in on a man with a cast. "They can set bones..." A woman walks down the hall with her whole hand wrapped in gauze. "...bandage wounds..." A doctor gives a little old lady some pills to swallow. "...and treat diseases." The camera swings around to the waiting room where Andrew, Bree, Mrs. McCluskey and Lynette are waiting. Okay, most random group ever. "Sadly, one thing they don't know how to heal is a guilty conscience." Bree paces to let us know she feels guilt.
"I don't know what happened. She just came out of nowhere," Bree cries as Lynette soothes her (though we all know that Lynette would have gone crazy if this had happened to one of her kiddos). Andrew backs up Lynette by saying that Juanita was talking when she got in the ambulance and he's sure everything is fine. "And I just spoke to one of the nurses," adds Karen. "She seemed pretty positive." Very suddenly, we hear Paul say, "Well that's a relief," as the camera moves around to show him walking into the waiting room. I probably don't need to mention this, but the little group is stunned that he's there. "I heard about the accident so I rushed right over. That's what neighbors do, right?" he smarms not so subtly. Oh Paul, you have such a unique brand of crazy. I wish they would add another layer to his hatred of the neighborhood by having him blame them for Mary Alice's death (since that's what led to his incarceration). It would actually make a lot more sense than him just being pissed that they never visited him while he was in jail.
Anyway, Bree and Lynette make a veiled attempt at politeness to cover their shock while Karen directly tells Paul that he doesn't have to hang around since there's nothing they can do. "We can pray," says Paul, holding out his hands. Everyone makes a second grade "ew, cooties!" face, but they slowly join hands. Immediately Paul launches into this prayer: "Dear Lord, we ask that you be with this young child and with the doctors caring for her. That she may be returned in full health to her loving family. Amen." The hilarious part is that while he's praying, Bree mouths to Lynette, "What is he doing?" and Lynette mouths back, "I don't know!" and Karen shrugs incredulously. Their sidebar conversation while Paul has his head bowed in prayer is amazing. Anyway, they quickly pretend they were listening and add amens as Paul finishes. Strangely, Paul dismisses himself right after that, saying that he has to go meet someone. Bizarre. "Dear Lord," says Karen after he leaves, "please don't let that creep ever touch me again." Lynette: "Amen." HA!
Suddenly, Gaby storms into the room, all tiny and powerful, but very calm. She tells the group that Juanita is going to be fine, but that they're keeping her a couple of days for observation (she also gives some exposition: Carlos is on a business trip). Then she drags Bree and Andrew into another room, waving and exclaiming to Lynette and Karen as she goes, "Thanks for coming! I feel so blessed to have such wonderful..." As the door shuts, Gaby whips around and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you people? First you take out my mother-in-law then you go after my daughter! Are you trying to kill off every Juanita Solis on the planet?!" HAHA! Best line of the episode. Congrats, Gaby.
Bree stutters excuses about it being a coincidence and adds that she's sorry, but Juanita just came out of nowhere. "Have you seen my daughter? She never comes out of nowhere," snarks Gaby. Bree doesn't quite know what to say to this (and really, can you blame her), so Andrew takes advantage of the awkward pause to step in and thank Gaby for not telling Carlos about his big secret (as if Gaby did it for him in any way, shape or form). Gaby: "I'm gonna give you that one 'cause I wasn't fond of her, but as for the rest of my family: learn to swerve!" Hee! She flies from the room, a ferocious little cloud, and Andrew casually asks Bree why this keeps happening. "I don't know," says Bree. "Maybe God's punishing us." This doesn't fly with Andrew, who jokes, "Or, God is punishing the Solises and we're just doing God's work." That's classy, Andrew.
Anyway, Bree still feels guilty and says that she shouldn't have been fiddling with the radio. I'm glad to hear that she came up with a respectable excuse; for a minute there, I was worried that her reputation might be tarnished. Andrew is not so easily fooled, however, and says that he saw Bree from across the street "checking out Keith's ass." Did he have binoculars or something? It's kind of hard to believe that he could see her staring at Keith's butt from across the street while she was in her car. Maybe his new job is being a creepy stalker. Anyway, Bree denies this (surprise, surprise), insisting that it was the radio. "Okay, fine," acquiesces Andrew. "But while we're talking about the radio, you do know that that particular model is like fifteen years too young for you, right?" Is that guy really fifteen years younger than Bree? He looks a lot older. I guess it doesn't matter what I think, because the comment hits home for Bree.
Unfortunately, we cut to Susan, who is in her apartment vacuuming in her lingerie in front of the computer. Yes, that's right, her "porn" career has begun. I'm really beginning to wonder if Teri Hatcher put some kind of nudity clause into her contract; between this season and last she has been featured in her undies a lot. But you know what, I don't particularly want to see it. Also, her botoxed face is really terrifying in this episode. Right now I have it paused and she looks like a dead fish; it is not pretty. Ugh. I have to say, if any of the other ladies partake in this whole botox thing, they're doing a much better job of it than Teri Hatcher is.
Okay, time to dive into this mess of a plot. Susan is very awkward in front of the camera, trying to cover her breasts and pull her nightie down over her ass. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door; it's Maxine, so Susan turns off the camera and rushes to the door. Thankfully, she also puts on a robe so I don't have to see any more of her lingerie. Maxine is there to criticize Susan's performance. It was too dull, so Maxine decides to give her a few pointers. She takes Susan's vacuum and starts thrusting it and her breasts toward the camera. Then she hurries over to the duster and shakes her ass as she dusts. "And what have we here?" she asks as she runs to the table and starts rubbing away the smudges with her boobs. Maxine tells her to loosen up and play into the fantasy. "I want to," says Susan. "I just can't stop thinking about all those men out there watching me." Oh Susan, you've slept with half of them anyway; what's the big deal?
Maxine tells Susan she should be flattered because those men are spending their money to see "the perfect woman." This whole plot seems very Lifetime movie to me. Down-on-her-luck housewife turns to pornography to save her family. There will be a lot of tears and yelling; the whole neighborhood will turn out to judge her. You can see it, can't you? Anyway, Maxine derobes Susan and tells her that she has all of the power. Then they practice the vacuum move together.
Over at the Scavos', Penny is doing homework while Renee is on the phone yelling at her husband about divorce settlements and breast implants. As Renee hangs up, Lynette tries to subtly point out that her preteen daughter is in the room, but Renee shrugs it off by saying that Penny will be dating soon enough. She asks Penny what she's learned from her about marriage and Penny dutifully stands up and says, "Never sign a prenup." Penny Scavo, ladies and gentlemen, who is out of the room after one line.
The front door opens and Tom shuffles into the house, apparently home from work early. "I'm not feeling well," he says pitiably as Lynette reaches up to feel his forehead (first with her hand and then, adorably, with her cheek). "Again?" she asks. "That's the third time this week." Then she adds that he needs to go to the doctor. Tom says that he's fine--he's just going to lie down and watch TV--so Lynette asks him to please run to the grocery store for her. "I'm tired," whines Tom. "Can't you do it?" Hehehe. Cue Lynette's "are you serious?" face. "I'm a little busy right now. I have five kids and a useless house guest," she says as Tom groans. Hey buddy, you're the one who knocked her up four times and gave her the ultimate excuse; deal with it. "I need you functional," points out Lynette. She says that either Tom has to go to the doctor or he has to man up and help her. "Fine, I'll go tomorrow," Tom complains. "Man, the sympathy in here is just overwhelming." He leaves the room and Lynette sighs and turns to Renee with this "can you believe him?" expression. Unfortunately, Renee looks more like she can't believe Lynette.
"It's none of my business," says Renee, and Lynette turns around and mouths an exaggerated, "But..." which Renee, of course, says out loud. Hehe. Totally believable, even of two people who probably don't see each other very often. I can still predict my college roommate like that and we only see each other a handful of times a year. I love it. Anyway, Renee says that Lynette and Tom are starting to sound a lot like her and Doug. "I appreciate the concern," says Lynette, "but Tom and I always do that." Well that's true. Renee points out that she and Doug were always like that too and look at them now. "I'm telling you, we're fine," Lynette insists, and then she mouths, "If you say so," which Renee musically chimes right after. Hilariously, Lynette nods and gives a thumbs up like Renee did an excellent job. Awesome.
Across the street, Bree chats with Lee and Karen about Juanita's prognosis as Bob rushes over to join the group. Immediately, Lee begins snarking at Bob, complaining that he let their tomato plants wither just like their relationship. Hahaha. "Well that's what happens when you grow needy, whiny tomatoes," says Bob. Karen tells the boys that it's been a month; can't they just kiss "each other's moms" (??) and make up? Incredulous looks abound as Karen turns to Bree and asks, "Isn't that what they do?" Bree doesn't mention that this hasn't happened to her yet, but only because she's distracted by a strange blond woman stumbling down the middle of the street with a suitcase. "She looks lost," says Bob, prompting Lee to ask if they should help her. Suddenly the woman trips, dropping her suitcase and spilling the water from her fishbowl. "Son of a bitch!" she shrieks, and Lee nods that they should go help.
The group runs over to the girl (Francine from Gilmore Girls; how odd that one of Rory's classmates is now playing a real grown up), who struggles to pick up her fish and get him back in the bowl. She tells them that she's lost; she only had twenty bucks and so her cab couldn't get her to her destination. Karen asks if she was looking for Wisteria Lane, and blondie nods. "Is my fish moving?" she asks desperately while Bob asks who she's there to see. No one should be surprised that it's Paul, who very conveniently chooses that moment to jog over shouting, "Beth!" He stops and smiles at the neighbors. "Well," he says, "I see you've all met my wife." Shock!
Commercials.
Back at Bree's, Keith is shirtless when Bree walks in with her single bag of groceries. He apologizes for being half-naked and picks up a shirt, asking how Juanita is. Then he asks how Bree is. "I'm okay. How is the work coming?" she asks, trying to keep her eyes on her groceries. Then, d'oh; Keith put the shirt on backwards. He has to take it off and put it on again. How silly. Bree drops the milk at the sight of his abs and he, again, asks if she's okay. She says she's fine, but it's been a stressful day. "I think I know what you need," says Keith, finally getting his shirt on. He pulls Bree into a hug that she doesn't return, whispering platitudes, and Bree freaks out. "I have to let you go!" she shouts. "After you let me go...Everyone should just let go!" Well that last part doesn't even make sense, but Keith releases her and lets her retreat to a corner. "Are you firing me? Why?" he asks. Bree says that he's messy, gets paint everywhere, and wears too much cologne. Keith says he doesn't wear cologne; Bree: "That's just you?!" Haha. As dumb as this is, that was pretty funny. Anyway, Bree says she'll write him a check, but Keith says to just mail it and storms out.
Susan is in a different bathrobe, ushering Mike and MJ out of the door with kisses. She mentions that her first class isn't until eleven, so she has some time to work on her jewelry. So she just gets to drift into school whenever she wants? How is it that Susan's teaching plot becomes more unbelievable every season? Mike, idiot that he is, is impressed by Susan's determination to bring in more money. "You have no idea," she mutters predictably and she slams the door behind her guys.
Cut to a montage of Susan doing housework in the skankiest manner possible (thrusting and blowing and shaking and spanking). As she's wiping a table off with her ass, Mike suddenly waltzes back in; he forgot something and had to come back to get it. Susan lies that she was doing housework and got overheated, trying to turn off the computer, but Mike is distracted and wants to have sex. Right there. OMG! The zany antics. I can't stand it! Susan does some acrobatics, but finally turns off the computer with her foot.
Over in the house of five kids, Lynette comes into the kitchen and asks Renee if she's found a place to live yet (she's surfing the net for apartments). Can I take a second to add that it's kind of awesome that they've left both some baby weight and the bigger boobs on Felicity Huffman so she looks like she actually just had a baby? Usually these actresses go from pregnant to stick thin again in less than a minute, so I'm liking this nod to verisimilitude. Anyway, Renee has not found a place; all the ones within her budget are too small for her. She thinks that she should just move to Fairview. Immediately, Lynette's voice goes up and she does her lying laugh as she tells Renee that she's a New Yorker, not a suburbanite. "You love the theater, museums...you said yourself you can't even get a decent up of coffee around here." Renee: "No, I meant here, Lynette. Really, how hard is it to clean the pot?"
Before Lynette can convince Renee to go far, far away, Tom arrives home from the doctor and asks if he can speak to Lynette privately. He drags her into the dining room and tells her to sit down. "Tom, you are scaring me. What is it?" she asks. But, instead of revealing that he has some life-threatening illness, Tom blows out a sigh and says he has postpartum depression. Lynette: "Come again?" Haha.
"I know it sounds weird, but it's a recognized problem for fathers my age. I've got all the classic symptoms: headaches, mood swings, fatigue..." says Tom seriously. "Wow," breathes Lynette. "Tell me, did he check you for a yeast infection while he was down there too?" Hehehe. I will admit, she could be taking this a little more to heart, but I almost don't blame her for reacting this way after Tom made such a big stink leading up to it. He acted like he was going to reveal that he had cancer or something, and given this family's history with serious illnesses, I can see why she's underwhelmed by this.
Tom hands Lynette a pamphlet titled "The Bitter Seed" (HA!) and asks her to read it over before she judges him. "Yeah, I'm not buying it," says Lynette. "Show me one stretch mark, one chapped nipple and we'll talk about your postpartum." Tom argues that it's a legitimate medical condition and that Lynette was the one who insisted he go to the doctor, but she says she only wanted him to so he'd be of some use. "Not so you could take long baths or get in some extra naps." Hahaha. Tom begs her to read the whole pamphlet, but the baby starts crying. Lynette says she has to go take care of her other baby and runs up the stairs. Meanwhile in the other room, Renee eavesdrops. And judges. Can't forget that.
Commercials.
Paul and Beth are enjoying a tasty dinner shrouded in awkward silence. They both go to speak at the same time, but Beth wins, blurting out that she likes the house. Paul agrees that it's nice, but that it needs a woman's touch. "Oh, I don't have much experience with decorating," stutters Beth. "If I so much as moved a chair Mama would throw a fit." Oh good. She has a nutty mom. There's something different. Paul says she must be glad to be away from the crazy, and Beth agrees.
The conversation turns to how Paul never thought the day would come when he could reach out and actually touch Beth. "I didn't either," she says, awkwardly patting his hand. Paul adds that the only thing he'll miss about prison is her letters, and then segues into mentioning that he wanted the night to be special since the prison didn't allow "conjugal visits." Oh! Paul's getting it on. Man, Mary Alice has been dead for about thirteen years now; that is a long time to go without sex.
"About that," says Beth. "I can't wait to start cooking for you and making things nice around here, but there are certain other wifely duties that I don't want to rush into." She adds that they're still getting to know each other and asks if Paul is upset. He lies that he's fine. "There's more to marriage than sex." Yeah, there's also lying and keeping secrets. Speaking of which...
Gaby tears through the nurse's station when a nurse asks to talk to her. Turns out there are some questions about Juanita, like is she allergic to any medications and "how old was she when you adopted her?" Oops. Gaby laughs and says, "I know it's hard to believe that the little acorn gave birth to the mighty oak, but I did." HA! Another great line. Seriously, Juanita is going to be taller than Gaby in another season. The nurse is a little thrown, and mentions that Gaby told her the other day that she and Carlos were type O blood and Juanita is type A. "Well two Os can't have an A," she says, and then something seems to dawn on her. "Oh, nevermind!" she chirps. Oops again.
Gaby wants to know what she meant by that, and the nurse condescendingly implies that Gaby must have had an affair. "Listen, nursie!" snaps Gaby. "I know you spend your day emptying bedpans and shaving the groins of senior citizens, but there's no drama here. I've been faithful to my husband! I have nothing to hide!" Gaby starts to walk away, then marches back and rips off the part of Juanita's records that offends her.
Renee is sitting at the kitchen table again (seriously, she's been there for just about every scene) when Lynette comes downstairs with the laundry. Renee yawns pretty pointedly and Lynette asks her if she had trouble sleeping. "I was up kind of late," she says. "Oy, that Tom sure can talk." Ugh. No one will be surprised to hear that this raises Lynette's ire, especially when Renee goes on to mention that Tom needed to talk to someone after the way things went yesterday. Then she says that the whole thing is none of her business. Double ugh. This is so passive aggressive it's slightly sickening.
Lynette insists that Renee tell her what happened. "Well, Tom feels that you don't listen to him," says Renee, as if we, and Lynette, haven't heard this a million times already. Lynette says she did listen--she heard Tom say that he has postpartum ("Also known by its initials: BS.")--but Renee points out that hearing is different than listening. "Okay," says Lynette. "Okay, you stop. I don't need you troubleshooting my marriage and I don't want you having any more of these little conversations with my husband." Direct and to the point; none of this passive aggressive shit. This is why I love Lynette. Renee agrees and then Lynette heads back toward the stairs, giving Renee time to mouth, "And I mean it," right before Lynette says it. Less cute knowing that Renee won't listen.
Gaby paces Juanita's hospital room when Susan comes in with a big card. "There you are!" she shouts. "I called you an hour ago!" Susan says she was at school and cheerfully hands Juanita the card, but Gaby has other things on her mind. Grabbing Susan by the arm, she yanks her out of the room and down the hall.
Once they're alone, Gaby asks Susan if she remembers the ski weekend they took eight years ago. You mean during season four, Gaby? Because for this timeline to make any sense, you must have found out you were pregnant with Juanita about two seconds after season four ended. And I can't quite see Susan skiing when she was heavily pregnant with MJ. But, okay, let's go with it. Susan says that she remembers; she also remembers the French guy they met who was flirting with Gaby. Gaby wants details: when did she get back to the hotel room that night? Susan says that it was light out. "Oh God," cries Gaby. "I think that Juanita might be French." HA! This makes no sense, but HA!
Commercials.
To my utter shock, Mary Alice rejoins us as a weary Carlos climbs out of his car that night. I can't remember the last time they used her voiceover mid-episode. I'm impressed. "When Carlos returned from his business trip," she says, "he stopped at the hospital to visit his daughter, who had been sleeping peacefully. Then he came home to see his wife, who had been plotting frantically." Carlos climbs into bed next to Gaby; she's pretending to be asleep. Slowly, she begins to roll around, eventually heaving herself on top of Carlos and making out with him. Then, suddenly, she shoves him away and gasps. "What? Carlos what were you doing?" she asks. Carlos says that she was the one making out with him, and Gaby groans, "Oh no! It's happening again." Carlos doesn't know what's going on, so Gaby explains that she has "sexomnia." Apparently it's like sleepwalking, only with sex. Hehehe.
Carlos can't believe this is going on. "Since when have you had that?" he asks. Gaby says she's had it since before the girls were born, but Carlos hasn't ever seen her do it before. "Well it mostly only happens when I'm really tired," she says. "Like when I work out too much or go skiing..." Hint hint. Carlos: "Well first thing tomorrow I'm checking out air fare to Aspen." HA! Leaning up, Carlos tries to go for it again, but Gaby says that this isn't a joke; she could have sex with anyone and not even know it. Carlos takes this news in stride; he still wants to have sex. "No, no, I'm too tired," says Gaby, rolling off of him. Then, sheepishly, she adds, "And ashamed." Hehehe.
The next morning, Bree is gardening when Mrs. McCluskey comes up to return a rake. Karen asks where Keith went and Bree tells her that she let him go. Cue several jokes about how hot Keith was, blah, blah, blah. "You mean at your age, you still have urges?" asks Bree. Oh Lord, this girl. "I'm not dead, Bree," snaps Karen. "I may like my bed and my food soft, but I like my men..." Bree cuts her off before she gets to the good stuff, and says that she was hoping that one day she'd outgrow her sexual urges. What a depressing thought. Most people probably hope they won't outgrow it.
Karen garners that that's why Bree fired Keith and Bree agrees that he's a distraction. "And I refuse to make a fool of myself," she says. Instead of saying it's because Keith is so much younger than her (which is where I thought this was headed), Bree says that her track record with men isn't the best; "Two dead, one in a wheelchair." Actually, three are dead if you count George. Or maybe you weren't counting Karl, since we pretend that never happened. Either way, it's three dead. "Bree, I can't tell you how to live your life. All I know is that not living your life isn't the answer," says Karen. She also adds that Bree needs to take some risks so she doesn't have a lifetime of regrets. Words of wisdom. Karen should publish a book.
Lynette arrives home that night laden with bags and the baby while Porter sits on the couch like a useless lump. "Don't feel like you have to help or anything," she says. Porter: "Cool." Oh my. The twins are twenty now. Force them to be responsible or kick them out; it's your right, sweetie. Lynette asks where Tom is, and Porter says he and Renee went out to dinner at the French place Tom likes. He also adds that they said Lynette could join them. Of course, Lynette is practically out the door already. She orders Porter to unload the groceries and watch his sister (what is her name?!); he says he has plans, but Lynette just leaves. HA! Suck on that, freeloader.
At the restaurant, Tom and Renee are deep in conversation when Lynette sidles into the booth next to her husband. Without more than a few pleasantries, she demands to know what they were talking about. "To be honest," says Tom, "I was talking about you and your tendency to be critical. And how frustrating it is to have my feelings invalidated whenever I bring up something you don't like." Lynette nods, but, once again, she's not really listening. She wants a sidebar with Renee, so the two of them leave the table and go across the room.
"Did I or did I not tell you to butt the hell out of my marriage?" asks Lynette the second they're out of earshot. Renee acts like she's totally innocent (just listening to Tom talk), but Lynette says that she was feeding Tom lines (like the one about invalidated feelings). "I was just trying to help," lies Renee, and Lynette calls her on it. "You need a project and since you're currently without a house to remodel, you've decided to put the wrecking ball to my marriage," says Lynette. She's practically in tears. "This is what you do," she goes on. "You take other people's lives apart for your own amusement and then you get the fun of putting them back together. Well I'm not letting you do it this time. My marriage is not some guest bedroom in your summer house." Wow. Good speech.
"Fine," says Renee. She's clearly both affronted by Lynette's accusations and a little overcome by how upset Lynette is. "Let's just say you're right and I'm a terrible person. But there's still a man in there who is in pain, and his wife won't listen to him! That's not my doing!" Without giving Lynette time to respond, Renee turns and heads back to the table. Harsh, yes, but also something that Lynette needed to hear. Not that I doubt that Renee is making this entire situation worse.
Commercials.
Susan plays with her webcam when Mike comes home with a bunch of yellow roses for her. He brought them home because he found out that Susan earned enough cash to make their car payment. "You're amazing," he says. "You teach, you bust your ass with this jewelry business, and then I come home yesterday and here you are, happy as can be, working to make this place a home. I'm so lucky to have a wife like you." They hug, and Susan looks at her webcam guiltily.
The next day, she sits at her kitchen table while her boss counts out her latest payment. "You know you're getting good at this," says Maxine. "I'm also getting good at lying to my husband," adds Susan. The yellow roses sit and judge her.
Elsewhere in Fairview, Bree enters a bar and finds Keith playing pool. Unsurprisingly, he's not thrilled to see her. She makes some excuses for her behavior the other day, not really apologizing, and asks him to come back. Then she gives him a slightly fearful smile. Hmm, I take it back. Maybe Marcia Cross has been frequenting the same botox lab as Teri Hatcher. Regardless, Keith launches into this long analogy about cars that ends with him comparing Bree to the high maintenance Mazarati. It is kind of awesome because he calls Bree a pain in the ass.
Bree says that she's actually a Sedan that's going through a divorce, but Keith doesn't really care. So Bree ups the stakes, telling Keith that she needs him because both she and her house are a mess. She adds that she thought Keith was going to help her put it all back together, but then revises that to say she just means the house. Because we all know that Bree can't hold it together without a man. Seriously, I'd really like to see Bree get her life into check without the aid of a man. The last time it happened (when Orson was in jail), it was all off screen; this time I'd like to see it. Unfortunately, Keith doesn't tell her to go to hell; in fact, he doesn't say anything, and Bree leaves.
Outside, she jumps in her car and backs up without looking. Off screen, we hear Keith yell, "Hey!" and then Bree runs over him. She jumps out of her car, aghast, and Keith makes a joke about how she should give up driving. Then he agrees to come back and work on her house.
Over at the house of cyclical marriage problems, Tom lies in bed reading Muscle Mover magazine when Lynette comes in wearing a robe. He glances at her, but doesn't say anything, so she starts by asking him how he's doing. "What's this? Genuine concern?" he asks. "No asking if my breasts feel swollen or if it's a heavy flow day?" Lynette launches into an apology and tells him that she read the pamphlet and it actually made sense. "Becoming a new dad at your age can be pretty scary. I mean, just looking at that little girl and knowing that you might not be around for her wedding..." Tom interrupts her to ask if this is supposed to be helping, and Lynette says that she's acknowledging that it's real.
Gently, Lynette sits down on the bed and takes Tom's hand. "And now, in order to demonstrate that I'm a loving and caring wife," she says, "I have two options. One, we can have a long, sensitive conversation about your feelings, or option two..." She reaches for her robe and pulls it open as the camera cuts to her back. Tom's eyes go right to her naked breasts and he gets a sweet little smile on his face, sitting up and kissing her as she giggles. "As much as I like option two," he says, "I think tonight I want to talk." Lynette nods. Very cute scene.
And here comes a not so cute one. Paul enters his living room and hands Beth a present. It's lingerie. He orders her to try it on, but she says that it's not her style; he told her they could wait; excuses, excuses. Paul says it's been almost a week and then she gets downright snippy with him, throwing the lingerie back in the bag. Scarily, Paul grabs the letters Beth sent him in prison and throws them down. Then he makes her read one of them aloud; it's filled with all this talk about sex. "It was a fantasy," she says desperately. "I never thought it would be real." Paul says that it is real, but Beth blurts out that she thought he would never get out of prison. Ouch.
Immediately, she starts to say that she didn't mean it and that she's sorry; Paul just sits down and creepily says that he knows that Beth has issues. She wouldn't have married a man in prison for murder otherwise. "The good news is," he says, "I'm willing to help you. All I ask in return is for a little affection. Do you think you can offer me that?" Beth, looking terrified, says that she'll try. Paul gets up and kisses the top of her head, saying that he's patient, but he won't be forever. So creepy.
Commercials.
The next morning, Renee is actually sitting somewhere else! She's out on the front porch when Lynette joins her; they're both still in their PJs. Amicably, Lynette offers her some coffee that Renee jokes she's scared is poisoned. "Look, what you did was borderline evil," says Lynette. "But you were right to make me talk to Tom. So I thank you for being a good friend and don't ever do it again."
Now that Lynette's in a good mood, Renee takes a moment to tell her that she just rented Edie's old house. Lynette stops just short of saying that's appropriate. Suddenly the baby starts crying and Tom pops out. "I'm trying to calm the baby, but apparently I don't have the right equipment," he quips. HA! Lynette mentions Renee's impending move before she goes back inside, and, suddenly nervous, Tom asks if it's really a good idea for Renee to move there. Renee says of course, but Tom's not done. He reaches out to shut the door and adds, "It's just...I wanna be sure..." Renee cuts him off and says, "Tom, that was a million years ago." Tom: "It doesn't matter. She can never know what happened between us." Ugh. Although, strangely, I'm not quite as freaked out by this as I could have been. Yes, it sounds like Tom and Renee had an affair at some point, but this show has repeatedly teased the audience with the idea that Tom or Lynette will or did cheat on each other. So if I'm basing this on past experience, it will turn out to be something else, like maybe he borrowed money or kissed her or freaked out the night before the wedding. My sister even went as far as to say that if it was a sexual relationship, it happened before Tom and Lynette were together. Basically, I refuse to flip out before I have to, especially since it can't possibly be worse than the whole illegitimate child plot. Though, speaking of that, hasn't Tom learned by now that it's much worse to keep this kind of crap a secret?
At the hospital, Carlos walks up to the same nurse who antagonized Gaby earlier and asks if she's seen his wife. The nurse says that Gaby is in the cafeteria, but asks him to sign some release forms before he leaves. Carlos notices the ripped form and inquires about it, and of course nursie can't keep her big mouth shut. She actually tells Carlos that Gaby flipped out when she heard her daughter's blood type. At that moment, Gaby walks in, just as Carlos says, "Gaby did this? I need you to tell me exactly what happened!" Before the nurse can blurt it out, Gaby says, "Oh crap," and draws Carlos' attention. Hilariously, she actually runs away from him, screaming that it's not her fault because she has a disorder. She's slowed by two guys wheeling out a body (she actually gives a little shriek that is so funny), and Carlos manages to catch her. Anxiously, Gaby babbles out an explanation that makes little sense, and Carlos realizes the gig is up.
I love the way this next little scene is done. Carlos takes Gaby into the next room while the camera remains outside, filming them through the window. Without hearing anything, we see Carlos tell Gaby the truth. Gaby breaks down, repeatedly hitting Carlos arm and sobbing before she collapses in his arms. Heartbreaking. Then Mary Alice comes back in: "There are certain types of pain that can't be treated in a hospital, so those who are suffering do what they can to heal themselves."
Bree stands and watches Keith talk about wood as Mary Alice goes on to say, "Some cure the ache of loneliness by making new friends." Then we cut to Susan and Mike, making jewelry and counting money respectively. "Some soothe their excruciating guilt with an infusion of cash." Over at casa de creepy, Paul hands Beth a rose. "Some alleviate their burning desire with small acts of kindness." Finally, we end with Gaby, who sits crying next to a sleeping Juanita. "But sadly, there will always be those who can't begin to heal because they realize there is more pain yet to come."
Well that was a very solid episode, though really it ended just as sadly as the first episode did. There's really an undertone of heartbreak to this season. I'd give this one an A-. Susan's plot is completely ridiculous, and I feel like the writers are being a little repetitive with Bree and Lynette (although I did enjoy parts of those plots), but they are hitting Gaby and Carlos out of the park so far this season. And I'm still enjoying the mystery far more than I thought I ever would. So kudos to the writers for that. Until next week...
Keith is fixing little Juanita Maybe-Not-A-Solis' bike outside of Bree's house while Bree watches like a creeper from her upstairs window. Instead of pointing this out, Mary Alice comes in to say, "It had been a long time since Bree Van de Kamp was a little girl." Is it wrong that I'm kind of glad that Bree decided to go back to her original married name? Anyway, Bree steps away from the window, tightening whatever robe/jumpsuit she's wearing and sits down at a vanity as Mary Alice gets to the point: "But she could still remember everything she'd ever been told about sex." Cue flashbacks.
We see the back of a little red head with pink pigtails as an older woman furiously mixes something in a bowl. "Her grandmother informed her it was a woman's burden," says Mary Alice. Cut to the back of Bree's head number two--probably in her early teens now--sitting in church listening to a man on the pulpit. "Her minister warned her it was a sin." And finally, Bree sits in a classroom listening to a teacher (who seems to be dressed much too modernly for what would have been the 70s) talk about venereal diseases. "Her teacher taught her it was unhealthy." Back in the present day, Bree finishes pinning up her hair as Mary Alice summarizes, "Yes, everyone had told Bree her sexual urges were dangerous..." Bree steps outside, her hair now down for some reason, and stops short as she sees Keith sawing away at some wood. "...but no one had ever told her how to get rid of them." I would suggest boinking him, Bree.
Keith greets Bree, but she simply tells him she's off to the bank; he stops her with a hand to the arm and drags her over to look at the wood. "Whole new idea," he says. "I want to panel the study in this." Ew, that's pretty ugly. Apparently it's 200-year-old birch wood. Well, whatever floats your boat, guys. He makes Bree stroke the wood, taking her hand and running it over the plank. "You know what they call this? Witness wood. 'Cause it's seen so much history." HA! That is so lame. Lamer than his ensuing joke about sleeping through history class. Bree snatches her hand away and flees to her car.
"Yes, when Bree was a little girl, she'd been taught her sexual urges were dangerous," says Mary Alice as Bree--and the camera--ogle Keith's ass. Bree fastens her seatbelt and quickly backs up, running over something as she does. Leaping from the car, she hurries around to find poor little Juanita lying on the ground all banged up. "Unfortunately, she was about to learn those urges were dangerous for everyone." Sheesh.
I'm kind of conflicted about this plot for Bree. I mean, I get that she's all repressed, but she openly admitted to loving sex (to the wonderful Dr. Goldfine), had a very loving relationship with Orson up until everything went to hell, and then dallied around with Karl for the better part of last year. There has been a definite sexual progression of Bree throughout the seasons, and I feel like it's a bit of a backward step to have her go back to suppressing her urges. All she did last year was give into her desires, and she never really seemed to regret it (remember that whole episode with the maid judging her and Bree decided she didn't care?). Again, I wish that they had done more with Bree following Karl's death. That affair seems more and more arbitrary every day, not to mention Karl's death (which has been pointless from the start). Oh well.
Wee little credits.
We come back in a busy hospital as Mary Alice gets to her real theme of the week. "The doctors and nurses at Fairview Hospital are experts at healing," she says as we close in on a man with a cast. "They can set bones..." A woman walks down the hall with her whole hand wrapped in gauze. "...bandage wounds..." A doctor gives a little old lady some pills to swallow. "...and treat diseases." The camera swings around to the waiting room where Andrew, Bree, Mrs. McCluskey and Lynette are waiting. Okay, most random group ever. "Sadly, one thing they don't know how to heal is a guilty conscience." Bree paces to let us know she feels guilt.
"I don't know what happened. She just came out of nowhere," Bree cries as Lynette soothes her (though we all know that Lynette would have gone crazy if this had happened to one of her kiddos). Andrew backs up Lynette by saying that Juanita was talking when she got in the ambulance and he's sure everything is fine. "And I just spoke to one of the nurses," adds Karen. "She seemed pretty positive." Very suddenly, we hear Paul say, "Well that's a relief," as the camera moves around to show him walking into the waiting room. I probably don't need to mention this, but the little group is stunned that he's there. "I heard about the accident so I rushed right over. That's what neighbors do, right?" he smarms not so subtly. Oh Paul, you have such a unique brand of crazy. I wish they would add another layer to his hatred of the neighborhood by having him blame them for Mary Alice's death (since that's what led to his incarceration). It would actually make a lot more sense than him just being pissed that they never visited him while he was in jail.
Anyway, Bree and Lynette make a veiled attempt at politeness to cover their shock while Karen directly tells Paul that he doesn't have to hang around since there's nothing they can do. "We can pray," says Paul, holding out his hands. Everyone makes a second grade "ew, cooties!" face, but they slowly join hands. Immediately Paul launches into this prayer: "Dear Lord, we ask that you be with this young child and with the doctors caring for her. That she may be returned in full health to her loving family. Amen." The hilarious part is that while he's praying, Bree mouths to Lynette, "What is he doing?" and Lynette mouths back, "I don't know!" and Karen shrugs incredulously. Their sidebar conversation while Paul has his head bowed in prayer is amazing. Anyway, they quickly pretend they were listening and add amens as Paul finishes. Strangely, Paul dismisses himself right after that, saying that he has to go meet someone. Bizarre. "Dear Lord," says Karen after he leaves, "please don't let that creep ever touch me again." Lynette: "Amen." HA!
Suddenly, Gaby storms into the room, all tiny and powerful, but very calm. She tells the group that Juanita is going to be fine, but that they're keeping her a couple of days for observation (she also gives some exposition: Carlos is on a business trip). Then she drags Bree and Andrew into another room, waving and exclaiming to Lynette and Karen as she goes, "Thanks for coming! I feel so blessed to have such wonderful..." As the door shuts, Gaby whips around and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you people? First you take out my mother-in-law then you go after my daughter! Are you trying to kill off every Juanita Solis on the planet?!" HAHA! Best line of the episode. Congrats, Gaby.
Bree stutters excuses about it being a coincidence and adds that she's sorry, but Juanita just came out of nowhere. "Have you seen my daughter? She never comes out of nowhere," snarks Gaby. Bree doesn't quite know what to say to this (and really, can you blame her), so Andrew takes advantage of the awkward pause to step in and thank Gaby for not telling Carlos about his big secret (as if Gaby did it for him in any way, shape or form). Gaby: "I'm gonna give you that one 'cause I wasn't fond of her, but as for the rest of my family: learn to swerve!" Hee! She flies from the room, a ferocious little cloud, and Andrew casually asks Bree why this keeps happening. "I don't know," says Bree. "Maybe God's punishing us." This doesn't fly with Andrew, who jokes, "Or, God is punishing the Solises and we're just doing God's work." That's classy, Andrew.
Anyway, Bree still feels guilty and says that she shouldn't have been fiddling with the radio. I'm glad to hear that she came up with a respectable excuse; for a minute there, I was worried that her reputation might be tarnished. Andrew is not so easily fooled, however, and says that he saw Bree from across the street "checking out Keith's ass." Did he have binoculars or something? It's kind of hard to believe that he could see her staring at Keith's butt from across the street while she was in her car. Maybe his new job is being a creepy stalker. Anyway, Bree denies this (surprise, surprise), insisting that it was the radio. "Okay, fine," acquiesces Andrew. "But while we're talking about the radio, you do know that that particular model is like fifteen years too young for you, right?" Is that guy really fifteen years younger than Bree? He looks a lot older. I guess it doesn't matter what I think, because the comment hits home for Bree.
Unfortunately, we cut to Susan, who is in her apartment vacuuming in her lingerie in front of the computer. Yes, that's right, her "porn" career has begun. I'm really beginning to wonder if Teri Hatcher put some kind of nudity clause into her contract; between this season and last she has been featured in her undies a lot. But you know what, I don't particularly want to see it. Also, her botoxed face is really terrifying in this episode. Right now I have it paused and she looks like a dead fish; it is not pretty. Ugh. I have to say, if any of the other ladies partake in this whole botox thing, they're doing a much better job of it than Teri Hatcher is.
Okay, time to dive into this mess of a plot. Susan is very awkward in front of the camera, trying to cover her breasts and pull her nightie down over her ass. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door; it's Maxine, so Susan turns off the camera and rushes to the door. Thankfully, she also puts on a robe so I don't have to see any more of her lingerie. Maxine is there to criticize Susan's performance. It was too dull, so Maxine decides to give her a few pointers. She takes Susan's vacuum and starts thrusting it and her breasts toward the camera. Then she hurries over to the duster and shakes her ass as she dusts. "And what have we here?" she asks as she runs to the table and starts rubbing away the smudges with her boobs. Maxine tells her to loosen up and play into the fantasy. "I want to," says Susan. "I just can't stop thinking about all those men out there watching me." Oh Susan, you've slept with half of them anyway; what's the big deal?
Maxine tells Susan she should be flattered because those men are spending their money to see "the perfect woman." This whole plot seems very Lifetime movie to me. Down-on-her-luck housewife turns to pornography to save her family. There will be a lot of tears and yelling; the whole neighborhood will turn out to judge her. You can see it, can't you? Anyway, Maxine derobes Susan and tells her that she has all of the power. Then they practice the vacuum move together.
Over at the Scavos', Penny is doing homework while Renee is on the phone yelling at her husband about divorce settlements and breast implants. As Renee hangs up, Lynette tries to subtly point out that her preteen daughter is in the room, but Renee shrugs it off by saying that Penny will be dating soon enough. She asks Penny what she's learned from her about marriage and Penny dutifully stands up and says, "Never sign a prenup." Penny Scavo, ladies and gentlemen, who is out of the room after one line.
The front door opens and Tom shuffles into the house, apparently home from work early. "I'm not feeling well," he says pitiably as Lynette reaches up to feel his forehead (first with her hand and then, adorably, with her cheek). "Again?" she asks. "That's the third time this week." Then she adds that he needs to go to the doctor. Tom says that he's fine--he's just going to lie down and watch TV--so Lynette asks him to please run to the grocery store for her. "I'm tired," whines Tom. "Can't you do it?" Hehehe. Cue Lynette's "are you serious?" face. "I'm a little busy right now. I have five kids and a useless house guest," she says as Tom groans. Hey buddy, you're the one who knocked her up four times and gave her the ultimate excuse; deal with it. "I need you functional," points out Lynette. She says that either Tom has to go to the doctor or he has to man up and help her. "Fine, I'll go tomorrow," Tom complains. "Man, the sympathy in here is just overwhelming." He leaves the room and Lynette sighs and turns to Renee with this "can you believe him?" expression. Unfortunately, Renee looks more like she can't believe Lynette.
"It's none of my business," says Renee, and Lynette turns around and mouths an exaggerated, "But..." which Renee, of course, says out loud. Hehe. Totally believable, even of two people who probably don't see each other very often. I can still predict my college roommate like that and we only see each other a handful of times a year. I love it. Anyway, Renee says that Lynette and Tom are starting to sound a lot like her and Doug. "I appreciate the concern," says Lynette, "but Tom and I always do that." Well that's true. Renee points out that she and Doug were always like that too and look at them now. "I'm telling you, we're fine," Lynette insists, and then she mouths, "If you say so," which Renee musically chimes right after. Hilariously, Lynette nods and gives a thumbs up like Renee did an excellent job. Awesome.
Across the street, Bree chats with Lee and Karen about Juanita's prognosis as Bob rushes over to join the group. Immediately, Lee begins snarking at Bob, complaining that he let their tomato plants wither just like their relationship. Hahaha. "Well that's what happens when you grow needy, whiny tomatoes," says Bob. Karen tells the boys that it's been a month; can't they just kiss "each other's moms" (??) and make up? Incredulous looks abound as Karen turns to Bree and asks, "Isn't that what they do?" Bree doesn't mention that this hasn't happened to her yet, but only because she's distracted by a strange blond woman stumbling down the middle of the street with a suitcase. "She looks lost," says Bob, prompting Lee to ask if they should help her. Suddenly the woman trips, dropping her suitcase and spilling the water from her fishbowl. "Son of a bitch!" she shrieks, and Lee nods that they should go help.
The group runs over to the girl (Francine from Gilmore Girls; how odd that one of Rory's classmates is now playing a real grown up), who struggles to pick up her fish and get him back in the bowl. She tells them that she's lost; she only had twenty bucks and so her cab couldn't get her to her destination. Karen asks if she was looking for Wisteria Lane, and blondie nods. "Is my fish moving?" she asks desperately while Bob asks who she's there to see. No one should be surprised that it's Paul, who very conveniently chooses that moment to jog over shouting, "Beth!" He stops and smiles at the neighbors. "Well," he says, "I see you've all met my wife." Shock!
Commercials.
Back at Bree's, Keith is shirtless when Bree walks in with her single bag of groceries. He apologizes for being half-naked and picks up a shirt, asking how Juanita is. Then he asks how Bree is. "I'm okay. How is the work coming?" she asks, trying to keep her eyes on her groceries. Then, d'oh; Keith put the shirt on backwards. He has to take it off and put it on again. How silly. Bree drops the milk at the sight of his abs and he, again, asks if she's okay. She says she's fine, but it's been a stressful day. "I think I know what you need," says Keith, finally getting his shirt on. He pulls Bree into a hug that she doesn't return, whispering platitudes, and Bree freaks out. "I have to let you go!" she shouts. "After you let me go...Everyone should just let go!" Well that last part doesn't even make sense, but Keith releases her and lets her retreat to a corner. "Are you firing me? Why?" he asks. Bree says that he's messy, gets paint everywhere, and wears too much cologne. Keith says he doesn't wear cologne; Bree: "That's just you?!" Haha. As dumb as this is, that was pretty funny. Anyway, Bree says she'll write him a check, but Keith says to just mail it and storms out.
Susan is in a different bathrobe, ushering Mike and MJ out of the door with kisses. She mentions that her first class isn't until eleven, so she has some time to work on her jewelry. So she just gets to drift into school whenever she wants? How is it that Susan's teaching plot becomes more unbelievable every season? Mike, idiot that he is, is impressed by Susan's determination to bring in more money. "You have no idea," she mutters predictably and she slams the door behind her guys.
Cut to a montage of Susan doing housework in the skankiest manner possible (thrusting and blowing and shaking and spanking). As she's wiping a table off with her ass, Mike suddenly waltzes back in; he forgot something and had to come back to get it. Susan lies that she was doing housework and got overheated, trying to turn off the computer, but Mike is distracted and wants to have sex. Right there. OMG! The zany antics. I can't stand it! Susan does some acrobatics, but finally turns off the computer with her foot.
Over in the house of five kids, Lynette comes into the kitchen and asks Renee if she's found a place to live yet (she's surfing the net for apartments). Can I take a second to add that it's kind of awesome that they've left both some baby weight and the bigger boobs on Felicity Huffman so she looks like she actually just had a baby? Usually these actresses go from pregnant to stick thin again in less than a minute, so I'm liking this nod to verisimilitude. Anyway, Renee has not found a place; all the ones within her budget are too small for her. She thinks that she should just move to Fairview. Immediately, Lynette's voice goes up and she does her lying laugh as she tells Renee that she's a New Yorker, not a suburbanite. "You love the theater, museums...you said yourself you can't even get a decent up of coffee around here." Renee: "No, I meant here, Lynette. Really, how hard is it to clean the pot?"
Before Lynette can convince Renee to go far, far away, Tom arrives home from the doctor and asks if he can speak to Lynette privately. He drags her into the dining room and tells her to sit down. "Tom, you are scaring me. What is it?" she asks. But, instead of revealing that he has some life-threatening illness, Tom blows out a sigh and says he has postpartum depression. Lynette: "Come again?" Haha.
"I know it sounds weird, but it's a recognized problem for fathers my age. I've got all the classic symptoms: headaches, mood swings, fatigue..." says Tom seriously. "Wow," breathes Lynette. "Tell me, did he check you for a yeast infection while he was down there too?" Hehehe. I will admit, she could be taking this a little more to heart, but I almost don't blame her for reacting this way after Tom made such a big stink leading up to it. He acted like he was going to reveal that he had cancer or something, and given this family's history with serious illnesses, I can see why she's underwhelmed by this.
Tom hands Lynette a pamphlet titled "The Bitter Seed" (HA!) and asks her to read it over before she judges him. "Yeah, I'm not buying it," says Lynette. "Show me one stretch mark, one chapped nipple and we'll talk about your postpartum." Tom argues that it's a legitimate medical condition and that Lynette was the one who insisted he go to the doctor, but she says she only wanted him to so he'd be of some use. "Not so you could take long baths or get in some extra naps." Hahaha. Tom begs her to read the whole pamphlet, but the baby starts crying. Lynette says she has to go take care of her other baby and runs up the stairs. Meanwhile in the other room, Renee eavesdrops. And judges. Can't forget that.
Commercials.
Paul and Beth are enjoying a tasty dinner shrouded in awkward silence. They both go to speak at the same time, but Beth wins, blurting out that she likes the house. Paul agrees that it's nice, but that it needs a woman's touch. "Oh, I don't have much experience with decorating," stutters Beth. "If I so much as moved a chair Mama would throw a fit." Oh good. She has a nutty mom. There's something different. Paul says she must be glad to be away from the crazy, and Beth agrees.
The conversation turns to how Paul never thought the day would come when he could reach out and actually touch Beth. "I didn't either," she says, awkwardly patting his hand. Paul adds that the only thing he'll miss about prison is her letters, and then segues into mentioning that he wanted the night to be special since the prison didn't allow "conjugal visits." Oh! Paul's getting it on. Man, Mary Alice has been dead for about thirteen years now; that is a long time to go without sex.
"About that," says Beth. "I can't wait to start cooking for you and making things nice around here, but there are certain other wifely duties that I don't want to rush into." She adds that they're still getting to know each other and asks if Paul is upset. He lies that he's fine. "There's more to marriage than sex." Yeah, there's also lying and keeping secrets. Speaking of which...
Gaby tears through the nurse's station when a nurse asks to talk to her. Turns out there are some questions about Juanita, like is she allergic to any medications and "how old was she when you adopted her?" Oops. Gaby laughs and says, "I know it's hard to believe that the little acorn gave birth to the mighty oak, but I did." HA! Another great line. Seriously, Juanita is going to be taller than Gaby in another season. The nurse is a little thrown, and mentions that Gaby told her the other day that she and Carlos were type O blood and Juanita is type A. "Well two Os can't have an A," she says, and then something seems to dawn on her. "Oh, nevermind!" she chirps. Oops again.
Gaby wants to know what she meant by that, and the nurse condescendingly implies that Gaby must have had an affair. "Listen, nursie!" snaps Gaby. "I know you spend your day emptying bedpans and shaving the groins of senior citizens, but there's no drama here. I've been faithful to my husband! I have nothing to hide!" Gaby starts to walk away, then marches back and rips off the part of Juanita's records that offends her.
Renee is sitting at the kitchen table again (seriously, she's been there for just about every scene) when Lynette comes downstairs with the laundry. Renee yawns pretty pointedly and Lynette asks her if she had trouble sleeping. "I was up kind of late," she says. "Oy, that Tom sure can talk." Ugh. No one will be surprised to hear that this raises Lynette's ire, especially when Renee goes on to mention that Tom needed to talk to someone after the way things went yesterday. Then she says that the whole thing is none of her business. Double ugh. This is so passive aggressive it's slightly sickening.
Lynette insists that Renee tell her what happened. "Well, Tom feels that you don't listen to him," says Renee, as if we, and Lynette, haven't heard this a million times already. Lynette says she did listen--she heard Tom say that he has postpartum ("Also known by its initials: BS.")--but Renee points out that hearing is different than listening. "Okay," says Lynette. "Okay, you stop. I don't need you troubleshooting my marriage and I don't want you having any more of these little conversations with my husband." Direct and to the point; none of this passive aggressive shit. This is why I love Lynette. Renee agrees and then Lynette heads back toward the stairs, giving Renee time to mouth, "And I mean it," right before Lynette says it. Less cute knowing that Renee won't listen.
Gaby paces Juanita's hospital room when Susan comes in with a big card. "There you are!" she shouts. "I called you an hour ago!" Susan says she was at school and cheerfully hands Juanita the card, but Gaby has other things on her mind. Grabbing Susan by the arm, she yanks her out of the room and down the hall.
Once they're alone, Gaby asks Susan if she remembers the ski weekend they took eight years ago. You mean during season four, Gaby? Because for this timeline to make any sense, you must have found out you were pregnant with Juanita about two seconds after season four ended. And I can't quite see Susan skiing when she was heavily pregnant with MJ. But, okay, let's go with it. Susan says that she remembers; she also remembers the French guy they met who was flirting with Gaby. Gaby wants details: when did she get back to the hotel room that night? Susan says that it was light out. "Oh God," cries Gaby. "I think that Juanita might be French." HA! This makes no sense, but HA!
Commercials.
To my utter shock, Mary Alice rejoins us as a weary Carlos climbs out of his car that night. I can't remember the last time they used her voiceover mid-episode. I'm impressed. "When Carlos returned from his business trip," she says, "he stopped at the hospital to visit his daughter, who had been sleeping peacefully. Then he came home to see his wife, who had been plotting frantically." Carlos climbs into bed next to Gaby; she's pretending to be asleep. Slowly, she begins to roll around, eventually heaving herself on top of Carlos and making out with him. Then, suddenly, she shoves him away and gasps. "What? Carlos what were you doing?" she asks. Carlos says that she was the one making out with him, and Gaby groans, "Oh no! It's happening again." Carlos doesn't know what's going on, so Gaby explains that she has "sexomnia." Apparently it's like sleepwalking, only with sex. Hehehe.
Carlos can't believe this is going on. "Since when have you had that?" he asks. Gaby says she's had it since before the girls were born, but Carlos hasn't ever seen her do it before. "Well it mostly only happens when I'm really tired," she says. "Like when I work out too much or go skiing..." Hint hint. Carlos: "Well first thing tomorrow I'm checking out air fare to Aspen." HA! Leaning up, Carlos tries to go for it again, but Gaby says that this isn't a joke; she could have sex with anyone and not even know it. Carlos takes this news in stride; he still wants to have sex. "No, no, I'm too tired," says Gaby, rolling off of him. Then, sheepishly, she adds, "And ashamed." Hehehe.
The next morning, Bree is gardening when Mrs. McCluskey comes up to return a rake. Karen asks where Keith went and Bree tells her that she let him go. Cue several jokes about how hot Keith was, blah, blah, blah. "You mean at your age, you still have urges?" asks Bree. Oh Lord, this girl. "I'm not dead, Bree," snaps Karen. "I may like my bed and my food soft, but I like my men..." Bree cuts her off before she gets to the good stuff, and says that she was hoping that one day she'd outgrow her sexual urges. What a depressing thought. Most people probably hope they won't outgrow it.
Karen garners that that's why Bree fired Keith and Bree agrees that he's a distraction. "And I refuse to make a fool of myself," she says. Instead of saying it's because Keith is so much younger than her (which is where I thought this was headed), Bree says that her track record with men isn't the best; "Two dead, one in a wheelchair." Actually, three are dead if you count George. Or maybe you weren't counting Karl, since we pretend that never happened. Either way, it's three dead. "Bree, I can't tell you how to live your life. All I know is that not living your life isn't the answer," says Karen. She also adds that Bree needs to take some risks so she doesn't have a lifetime of regrets. Words of wisdom. Karen should publish a book.
Lynette arrives home that night laden with bags and the baby while Porter sits on the couch like a useless lump. "Don't feel like you have to help or anything," she says. Porter: "Cool." Oh my. The twins are twenty now. Force them to be responsible or kick them out; it's your right, sweetie. Lynette asks where Tom is, and Porter says he and Renee went out to dinner at the French place Tom likes. He also adds that they said Lynette could join them. Of course, Lynette is practically out the door already. She orders Porter to unload the groceries and watch his sister (what is her name?!); he says he has plans, but Lynette just leaves. HA! Suck on that, freeloader.
At the restaurant, Tom and Renee are deep in conversation when Lynette sidles into the booth next to her husband. Without more than a few pleasantries, she demands to know what they were talking about. "To be honest," says Tom, "I was talking about you and your tendency to be critical. And how frustrating it is to have my feelings invalidated whenever I bring up something you don't like." Lynette nods, but, once again, she's not really listening. She wants a sidebar with Renee, so the two of them leave the table and go across the room.
"Did I or did I not tell you to butt the hell out of my marriage?" asks Lynette the second they're out of earshot. Renee acts like she's totally innocent (just listening to Tom talk), but Lynette says that she was feeding Tom lines (like the one about invalidated feelings). "I was just trying to help," lies Renee, and Lynette calls her on it. "You need a project and since you're currently without a house to remodel, you've decided to put the wrecking ball to my marriage," says Lynette. She's practically in tears. "This is what you do," she goes on. "You take other people's lives apart for your own amusement and then you get the fun of putting them back together. Well I'm not letting you do it this time. My marriage is not some guest bedroom in your summer house." Wow. Good speech.
"Fine," says Renee. She's clearly both affronted by Lynette's accusations and a little overcome by how upset Lynette is. "Let's just say you're right and I'm a terrible person. But there's still a man in there who is in pain, and his wife won't listen to him! That's not my doing!" Without giving Lynette time to respond, Renee turns and heads back to the table. Harsh, yes, but also something that Lynette needed to hear. Not that I doubt that Renee is making this entire situation worse.
Commercials.
Susan plays with her webcam when Mike comes home with a bunch of yellow roses for her. He brought them home because he found out that Susan earned enough cash to make their car payment. "You're amazing," he says. "You teach, you bust your ass with this jewelry business, and then I come home yesterday and here you are, happy as can be, working to make this place a home. I'm so lucky to have a wife like you." They hug, and Susan looks at her webcam guiltily.
The next day, she sits at her kitchen table while her boss counts out her latest payment. "You know you're getting good at this," says Maxine. "I'm also getting good at lying to my husband," adds Susan. The yellow roses sit and judge her.
Elsewhere in Fairview, Bree enters a bar and finds Keith playing pool. Unsurprisingly, he's not thrilled to see her. She makes some excuses for her behavior the other day, not really apologizing, and asks him to come back. Then she gives him a slightly fearful smile. Hmm, I take it back. Maybe Marcia Cross has been frequenting the same botox lab as Teri Hatcher. Regardless, Keith launches into this long analogy about cars that ends with him comparing Bree to the high maintenance Mazarati. It is kind of awesome because he calls Bree a pain in the ass.
Bree says that she's actually a Sedan that's going through a divorce, but Keith doesn't really care. So Bree ups the stakes, telling Keith that she needs him because both she and her house are a mess. She adds that she thought Keith was going to help her put it all back together, but then revises that to say she just means the house. Because we all know that Bree can't hold it together without a man. Seriously, I'd really like to see Bree get her life into check without the aid of a man. The last time it happened (when Orson was in jail), it was all off screen; this time I'd like to see it. Unfortunately, Keith doesn't tell her to go to hell; in fact, he doesn't say anything, and Bree leaves.
Outside, she jumps in her car and backs up without looking. Off screen, we hear Keith yell, "Hey!" and then Bree runs over him. She jumps out of her car, aghast, and Keith makes a joke about how she should give up driving. Then he agrees to come back and work on her house.
Over at the house of cyclical marriage problems, Tom lies in bed reading Muscle Mover magazine when Lynette comes in wearing a robe. He glances at her, but doesn't say anything, so she starts by asking him how he's doing. "What's this? Genuine concern?" he asks. "No asking if my breasts feel swollen or if it's a heavy flow day?" Lynette launches into an apology and tells him that she read the pamphlet and it actually made sense. "Becoming a new dad at your age can be pretty scary. I mean, just looking at that little girl and knowing that you might not be around for her wedding..." Tom interrupts her to ask if this is supposed to be helping, and Lynette says that she's acknowledging that it's real.
Gently, Lynette sits down on the bed and takes Tom's hand. "And now, in order to demonstrate that I'm a loving and caring wife," she says, "I have two options. One, we can have a long, sensitive conversation about your feelings, or option two..." She reaches for her robe and pulls it open as the camera cuts to her back. Tom's eyes go right to her naked breasts and he gets a sweet little smile on his face, sitting up and kissing her as she giggles. "As much as I like option two," he says, "I think tonight I want to talk." Lynette nods. Very cute scene.
And here comes a not so cute one. Paul enters his living room and hands Beth a present. It's lingerie. He orders her to try it on, but she says that it's not her style; he told her they could wait; excuses, excuses. Paul says it's been almost a week and then she gets downright snippy with him, throwing the lingerie back in the bag. Scarily, Paul grabs the letters Beth sent him in prison and throws them down. Then he makes her read one of them aloud; it's filled with all this talk about sex. "It was a fantasy," she says desperately. "I never thought it would be real." Paul says that it is real, but Beth blurts out that she thought he would never get out of prison. Ouch.
Immediately, she starts to say that she didn't mean it and that she's sorry; Paul just sits down and creepily says that he knows that Beth has issues. She wouldn't have married a man in prison for murder otherwise. "The good news is," he says, "I'm willing to help you. All I ask in return is for a little affection. Do you think you can offer me that?" Beth, looking terrified, says that she'll try. Paul gets up and kisses the top of her head, saying that he's patient, but he won't be forever. So creepy.
Commercials.
The next morning, Renee is actually sitting somewhere else! She's out on the front porch when Lynette joins her; they're both still in their PJs. Amicably, Lynette offers her some coffee that Renee jokes she's scared is poisoned. "Look, what you did was borderline evil," says Lynette. "But you were right to make me talk to Tom. So I thank you for being a good friend and don't ever do it again."
Now that Lynette's in a good mood, Renee takes a moment to tell her that she just rented Edie's old house. Lynette stops just short of saying that's appropriate. Suddenly the baby starts crying and Tom pops out. "I'm trying to calm the baby, but apparently I don't have the right equipment," he quips. HA! Lynette mentions Renee's impending move before she goes back inside, and, suddenly nervous, Tom asks if it's really a good idea for Renee to move there. Renee says of course, but Tom's not done. He reaches out to shut the door and adds, "It's just...I wanna be sure..." Renee cuts him off and says, "Tom, that was a million years ago." Tom: "It doesn't matter. She can never know what happened between us." Ugh. Although, strangely, I'm not quite as freaked out by this as I could have been. Yes, it sounds like Tom and Renee had an affair at some point, but this show has repeatedly teased the audience with the idea that Tom or Lynette will or did cheat on each other. So if I'm basing this on past experience, it will turn out to be something else, like maybe he borrowed money or kissed her or freaked out the night before the wedding. My sister even went as far as to say that if it was a sexual relationship, it happened before Tom and Lynette were together. Basically, I refuse to flip out before I have to, especially since it can't possibly be worse than the whole illegitimate child plot. Though, speaking of that, hasn't Tom learned by now that it's much worse to keep this kind of crap a secret?
At the hospital, Carlos walks up to the same nurse who antagonized Gaby earlier and asks if she's seen his wife. The nurse says that Gaby is in the cafeteria, but asks him to sign some release forms before he leaves. Carlos notices the ripped form and inquires about it, and of course nursie can't keep her big mouth shut. She actually tells Carlos that Gaby flipped out when she heard her daughter's blood type. At that moment, Gaby walks in, just as Carlos says, "Gaby did this? I need you to tell me exactly what happened!" Before the nurse can blurt it out, Gaby says, "Oh crap," and draws Carlos' attention. Hilariously, she actually runs away from him, screaming that it's not her fault because she has a disorder. She's slowed by two guys wheeling out a body (she actually gives a little shriek that is so funny), and Carlos manages to catch her. Anxiously, Gaby babbles out an explanation that makes little sense, and Carlos realizes the gig is up.
I love the way this next little scene is done. Carlos takes Gaby into the next room while the camera remains outside, filming them through the window. Without hearing anything, we see Carlos tell Gaby the truth. Gaby breaks down, repeatedly hitting Carlos arm and sobbing before she collapses in his arms. Heartbreaking. Then Mary Alice comes back in: "There are certain types of pain that can't be treated in a hospital, so those who are suffering do what they can to heal themselves."
Bree stands and watches Keith talk about wood as Mary Alice goes on to say, "Some cure the ache of loneliness by making new friends." Then we cut to Susan and Mike, making jewelry and counting money respectively. "Some soothe their excruciating guilt with an infusion of cash." Over at casa de creepy, Paul hands Beth a rose. "Some alleviate their burning desire with small acts of kindness." Finally, we end with Gaby, who sits crying next to a sleeping Juanita. "But sadly, there will always be those who can't begin to heal because they realize there is more pain yet to come."
Well that was a very solid episode, though really it ended just as sadly as the first episode did. There's really an undertone of heartbreak to this season. I'd give this one an A-. Susan's plot is completely ridiculous, and I feel like the writers are being a little repetitive with Bree and Lynette (although I did enjoy parts of those plots), but they are hitting Gaby and Carlos out of the park so far this season. And I'm still enjoying the mystery far more than I thought I ever would. So kudos to the writers for that. Until next week...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
DH recap: Remember Paul
Season Seven, Episode One: "Remember Paul"
Season seven kicks off with a close up of Paul Young. We're in flashback land, and Mary Alice is remembering her husband. "There was a time when my husband and I were very happy," explains Mary Alice as she comes over and gives Paul a smooch. The camera pulls back as Mary Alice reminisces about the good old days, revealing all the neighbors sitting around at a barbecue. They even dug out some of the dearly departed like Rex and Martha Huber. I will say this is a little odd, though, because both Martha and Karen (who is also there) were sort of recluses back in the day. I can't quite imagine them being invited to a cookout. But whatever. I'll go with it.
"Our life was like some kind of suburban dream," says Mary Alice as fake little Scavos run through the picnic. "But the day comes when we all must wake up." For Mary Alice, that was the day she got the infamous threatening note. Yes, the show is giving us a huge recap of the first two seasons. What a waste of five precious minutes for those of us who have been watching all along. She claims that she did what she had to to protect her family, but let's be honest here: if Mary Alice hadn't committed suicide, how would this all have gone down? I mean, would Paul have killed Martha? Would he have gone to jail? Would any of this even matter? It's a big question that will (probably) never be answered. Anyway, so y'all hopefully know that Paul killed Martha and then was framed for her sister's death and ended up in the slammer.
"Years later, a woman was pulled over for speeding," explains Mary Alice. And as they show her getting cuffed, we can see that it's Felicia because of her creepy three-fingered hand. So that's how it was discovered that Felicia was alive and Paul got out of jail. Of course, not one person on Wisteria Lane managed to read about this.
Cut to Paul, spiffing himself up in jail. His lawyer comes in and gives him a "sorry we threw you in jail" check, and is surprised to learn that Paul is going home. He provides more exposition about how none of Paul's neighbors came to visit him, so why would he want to go back there? "No one would blame you if you hated them a little," he says. Paul: "Oh, I don't hate them...a little." Ha!
Anyway, back on Wisteria Lane, Paul comes out of Susan's house and Karen sees him. She's so shocked she drops all her groceries. Mary Alice sums up her little opening by saying that Paul is going to make sure the neighbors never forget him again. Okay, clearly Paul's time in jail made him a little crazy. I mean, I never had the impression that he was that close to his neighbors, so why the sudden obsession? If he should be mad at anyone, I would expect it to be Zach (the one who really left him to rot). Am I overthinking this? Probably.
Wee little credits. Oh how I've missed you.
Cut to a series of ways you can get bad news, courtesy of Mary Alice: a late night phone call; a letter; email; text message; etc. "But some news is so bad it must be delivered in person," she finishes. And that sums up Mary Alice's contribution until the end. Thank you, Mary Alice.
We're at the hospital where that guy from last season (who claimed to know the couple whose baby was switched) is fighting with some big wig who wants him to go deliver the news. He thinks it will be better coming from someone who knows the couple. The guy seriously whines for way too long about being stuck with this job, but big wig tells him to just remain as calm as possible when delivering the news. Sage advice, big wig.
Back on the Lane, Karen is desperately searching for someone to tell about Paul. Bree isn't home, so she finds some random neighbors on the street. The camera then goes inside Gaby's house where she and Bree sit on the couch. Without delay, Bree blurts out the truth: Andrew ran over Juanita. "Oh God!" says Gaby as Bree gives explanations. "This is bad! This is really bad!" gasps Gaby. Bree says she should have told Gaby sooner, but Gaby says she shouldn't have told her at all. "Now I have to tell Carlos and he's going to kill Andrew and then he's going to have to go to prison. So thank you for sending my husband to prison, Bree! Nice work!" Hee! Eva Longoria Parker delivers that in one breath too, making it even funnier.
"I just couldn't live with this secret any longer," says Bree, skipping over all the many, many things that backed her into this corner. "When Orson found out he told me I was a horrible person." Gaby: "That's why you told me? Oh please, we're ALL horrible people!" HAHA! And so true. Bree keeps apologizing and even adds that Orson left her because of this, but Gaby is beyond caring. She's completely obsessed with how she's going to break the news to Carlos. "How am I gonna tell Carlos? He is gonna be so angry! And he'll probably find a way to blame me!" Gaby whines, breaking down in tears and leaning in for a hug. Bree looks stunned--but really, doesn't she know Gaby by now?--but they're interrupted by Karen rapping on the door. "You'll never guess who's back!" she shouts.
Meanwhile, over at the Scavos', the whole family is inside finishing up breakfast. As usual, everyone is whining at Lynette: she didn't run the dishwasher, they're out of milk, she needs to go to the dry cleaners. Lynette, who is holding the new baby, couldn't care less. She tells them all to look at their hands and says that anyone not holding a baby can fend for himself. Okay, I have to pause for a moment to ask what the hell they did to Joshua Logan Moore. He was already dorky on this show (which he SO isn't in real life; seriously, I saw an interview with him and he was really a normal looking kid), but they've taken it to a whole new level. His hair is like this weird orange color and combed really stupidly and he looks like he's going through the most awkward stage of puberty. Also of note: Darcy Rose Byrnes (new Penny) is kind of freakishly pale and creeps me out a little. She better prove to have some merit as new Penny but quick!
Anyway, Lynette sits down at the table and says the days of her being the perfect mom are over. That crap with Eddie must have pushed her over the edge. "And when were those days exactly?" snarks Parker. Of course Lynette gives it right back: "It's my uterus that's worn out, not my hearing." Somehow that comment doesn't elicit even one groan from her kids. Tom, stupidly, asks if she's really not going to help out around the house because "this place is really starting to go to hell" and Lynette growls, "Baby number five! An entire basketball team has come out of me, so I am officially too exhausted to care!" HA! Best line of the episode right there, folks.
The phone rings; Parker answers while Preston snipes at Lynette about his definition of a good mom. Lynette coos at the baby that Preston is about to be beaten, but before anyone can respond to this, Parker pipes up that Renee Perry is on the phone for Lynette. She hands the baby off to Tom while Penny asks who Renee is, leading to yet more expository dialogue (Renee is Lynette's old college friend who is married to Doug Perry, a Yankee ball player, and is rich. Might I add that all of this exposition comes from the boys, who also claim that Lynette's been visiting Renee in New York every few years and that she always comes back in a great mood. How the hell has Penny missed this? I don't understand. It's not like she's new to the family--new actress jokes aside. Whatever.). Lynette hangs up the phone and announces, unhappily, that Renee is coming to visit tomorrow. Immediately the family is put on clean-up duty, though Tom tries to slack off by claiming that now he's holding the baby. Hee! As Lynette rushes to the door with a bag of trash, she opens it to find Karen, Bree and Gaby there to tell her the news about Paul.
The Delfinos arrive at their new apartment. It's small, but not too terribly crappy. MJ enters skeptically and asks if they're poor now. Susan tries to explain that they're not poor and makes some crude jokes about the poor that even MJ knows are lame. Then the super parents try to explain to MJ how they're tight on money but they'll be back home soon thanks to Mike and Susan both working and Susan selling the "really cool" jewelry she's been making. MJ: "Oh God." Yes, kid, you have the lamest parents in the land.
The phone rings. Of course it's Karen, calling to tell her about the return of Paul. Cut to Susan speeding up outside her old house and demanding of the girls (Bree, Gaby and Lynette) where Paul is. They tell her he's in the house (duh). They can't believe Susan rented it to him, but Susan, being the intelligent person she is, didn't even bother to ask who she was renting too. Hilariously, Lynette does this whole, "You didn't even ask for his name?" line as though Susan is a complete moron (she is). Bree glosses over this by wondering how Paul is even out of jail. Conveniently, Paul has popped up right behind them and offers to let them come inside so he can answer the question. Not one of these women hesitates to go inside the house of a man they think is (and actually is) a murderer. As if Lynette hasn't had her share of being trapped in the home of a killer in the past twenty-four hours or so.
Inside the house, Bree exclaims, "Felicia Tillman's alive?!" Paul asks why they're surprised, considering he said it over and over again at his trial. "Oh wait. That's right. None of you could make it to the courthouse," he says in this creepily calm voice. Maybe I'd find this whole revenge plot easier to believe if Paul had seemed to find these women anything but obnoxious in the first two seasons. He goes on to whine about how they never visited him in prison either. Lynette apologizes for the group (no surprise there) and Gaby makes a joke about how they thought Paul was a killer (that doesn't go over so well). Surprisingly, Susan is the one to ask the logical question of why Paul wanted to come back. "Why do you think?" he asks. "I missed my friends." He smiles like the killer he is.
A few minutes later, the girls leave Susan's (Paul's? Pusan's?) and Gaby mentions that Paul Young still gives her the creeps. "I can't believe Paul Young is back on Wisteria Lane," says Lynette. "And he's using my shower," adds Susan. Heh.
As the girls stand on the corner and gossip like old times (really, this is SO reminiscent of season 1), the man who has to break the baby switching news sits in his car watching them. He sighs unhappily and exits his car, heading toward them only to be interrupted by Carlos, who calls him by name (Jack). Jack detours and goes over to Carlos, and we all have to take a moment to completely crack up at Ricardo Antonio Chavira without his facial hair. He looks like he's about twelve and it completely ruins the seriousness of this scene. And truly, it's about to get tragic, because Jack has come to break the news to the Solises. Carlos beckons Gaby over, but she tells him to give her a minute. Jack and Carlos go inside.
Inside, Jack has already broken the news and Carlos is irate. He claims that they still have the bracelet the hospital put on Juanita's ankle when she was born. I was so broken up that it was Juanita. Of course that has more emotional resonance because they audience is attached to her, but it's really heartbreaking. I love that little girl. Jack explains that the nurse had a drinking problem and they didn't know about it until now. Carlos can't believe that he's only finding this out now, eight years later. Well thank God Juanita didn't age any more over the summer. Jack keeps trying to keep the blame off of the hospital, but Carlos isn't having it. He tells Jack that if he goes "all lawyer" on him then he'll put Jack's "head through a wall." Do it, Carlos.
Carlos goes to the window, seriously looking like he's about to fall apart, and stares out at Gaby, Lynette and Bree, who have migrated to Gaby's end of the street. "So where is our...biologi--God! I don't even know what to call her!" I didn't like this scene when it first aired, but I'm enjoying it much more the second time through. I like how Chavira is playing Carlos as all rage with just a hint of how heartbreaking this is; it's very in character for Carlos. Jack says they haven't been able to track down the other family yet, and Carlos instantly says that they're not telling Gaby until they find the other girl. Looking more concerned than ever, Jack says he has to tell her whether Carlos wants him to or not. Finally, Carlos yells that he'll do it, but that he doesn't know how. "This is going to destroy her," he says, as if it's not going to destroy both of them. Seriously, these two and their baby drama; how much can one couple go through?
Commercials.
The next day (is this really going to be another season where they box in the timeline so stupidly?), Lynette stands outside of her house inspecting her family. She has them set up in a picture perfect pose on the porch, all dressed up and looking spiffy. "Why are we doing this?" snarks Porter. Lynette says that when Renee arrives she's going to see the one thing Lynette can show off, her "beautiful, beautiful family." Then she chastises Parker for having a pimple. Like puberty isn't hard enough. Tom tries to inject some reason into this, but as usual, his argument fails to fly.
Moments later, a limo pulls up outside of the Scavos' and Tom orders everyone to smile "for Mom and her strange and twisted friendship." Clearly Tom knows what's what. Renee steps out of the car and Lynette rushes to greet her, but Renee puts her off by holding up a finger and yapping into her phone. For the briefest second, Lynette looks hurt, but then she covers it by turning to give Tom one of those "can you believe this?" looks of hers. Renee tells the person on the phone that she has someone more important to talk to; Lynette makes attempt number two, but Renee puts her off again to switch to another call. Finally, Lynette snatches the phone and hangs up on the guy. They hug.
"Oh no," says Renee as they part. "Please tell me you didn't dump Tom for this handsome young trophy husband!" Bless his heart, Tom is all sincerity as he says, "It's me, Renee! I mean, I do work out like three times a week, so maybe that's what you're..." He catches a glimpse of Lynette's face and trails off. Heh. Renee exclaims over Lynette's kids and Penny obediently rushes up with the new baby and hands her off so Lynette can brag about the newborn. "You know, I've been blessed," says Lynette as the extremely fake baby she's holding spits up on her. Ah, the joys of mothering a plastic baby.
Later, inside, Tom apologizes, but says he has to rush off to work, giving Lynette a quick peck as he goes. "Work?" schmoozes Renee. "And I thought you wore that sexy tie just for me." Tom: "You like it? They say that bolder colors are coming back so I thought I'd..." He looks at Lynette, who is absolutely incredulous. "Okay," he says. And he's out the door. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Scavo.
After Tom leaves, Renee starts going on and on about how cozy and intimate Lynette's house is. It's very condescending, which is not lost on Lynette, who shouts to her kids, "Pay attention, kids, you're learning a lot of new words for small." The ladies make their way into the kitchen, where the Scavo kids are all sitting around doing nothing. It's a little bizarre and I'm surprised the kids stuck around. Of course, I'm also surprised they're not in school, but what do I know. Renee blathers about how big her house is; Lynette makes some snarky servant jokes to the point that Preston actually butts in with a "Mom!" Like she's totally embarrassing him. Hahaha. "It's alright. We're just old friends reconnecting," says Lynette.
Renee seems as unperturbed as Lynette by the impression they're making on her kids, and she continues to make compliments that sound like put-downs about the Scavo house. It reminds me of that episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke goes to Friday night dinner and Emily puts him down without saying one actual negative thing (making beer sound like nit-wit juice). Of course the difference here is that Lynette gives it right back to her. Eventually they cool it long enough for Lynette to sincerely ask how Renee's husband is. "Oh he's fine," says Renee casually. "With all that stuff--the team, the jet, the money--it's like a fantasy world. This is what I yearn for. This is real. This is sticky," she finishes up as she sticks her finger in some suspicious splotch on the table. Heh.
Parker is impressed and conjectures that she must be staying at a fancy hotel. Renee says she hasn't booked one yet, so Parker instantly offers to let her stay at their place. Super polite or completely inconsiderate of his mother: you make the call. Lynette starts to say that she's sure Renee doesn't want to, but Renee quickly agrees. "Are you sure?" asks Lynette, clearly not thrilled by this. "'Cause you know, with five kids it gets...stickier." Renee says she's sure, she wants to catch up with her "old, old friend" (then comes the first of several plastic surgery jokes), and Lynette ignores this and says she'll set her up on the sleeper sofa. Ah, so maybe that's where Eddie crashed last year. Mysteries are being solved left and right!
Over at the apartment of the unwashed masses, Susan knocks on her landlady's door and introduces herself. She's dropping off the security deposit, and apologizes for it being late, but they're having "money problems." I love that Susan tells every Tom, Dick and Harry this fact when Mike worked so hard to keep it a secret. Of course, Susan does love her pity. Suddenly much more interested in Susan, the landlady introduces herself as Maxine and invites Susan inside.
A few minutes later, Susan sips tea as Maxine gushes about what a shame it is about Mike's business. "And here you are with no skills, trying to make end's meat," she says. Susan is quick to point out that she has skills, but instead of claiming one of her legitimate ones (like, say, being an award-winning illustrator), she holds out her wrist to show off an ugly, clunky bracelet she made. Skillfully bypassing this, Maxine tells Susan how she was in the same boat after her husband died, but she started her own business. "And now I'm able to help other struggling women. You know, they set their own hours. They work from their own homes. And oy, oy, oy, the money!" She offers to show Susan, who blathers on about how she's always been told she has a good phone voice, but as Maxine opens the sliding doors to the next room, Susan is shocked to see a whole surveillance system set up. On the screens are several women, scantily dressed, performing household tasks. Susan is dumbfounded.
"It's my website!" announced Maxine. "Va-Va-Va-Broom dot com!" HA! "You run a porn site?" asks Susan. "You're trying to lure me into pornography?" Can I say that I am a little impressed that Susan is aghast and not flattered. This seems like the kind of backward compliment that she would normally eat up. Maxine claims that the site is PG; only women doing housework in their lingerie. "So, what do you say?" she asks. Susan gets all up in her face. "I say shame! Shame on you!" Maxine starts to go on about how all the women are respectable and doing this for legitimate reasons, but Susan asks if they aren't worried about being seen by people they know. "Most of our clients are overseas," says Maxine. She keeps trying to ply Susan--showing her an envelope full of cash--and for a second Susan seems bewitched. But then she sticks to her guns and rushes out of the apartment. Don't expect that self-respect to last long.
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Night. Baby-faced Carlos is looking through Juanita's baby book when his daughter bounces up on the bed to ask what he's doing. Carlos laughs and says he's looking at family photos. Juanita points to a picture of her grandma and asks who that is; Carlos responds by tweaking her nose and explaining that it's his mom. "I wish I had met her," says Juanita as Gaby comes out of the bathroom and lurks behind them. "You would have loved her," says Carlos. Juanita asks if Carlos thinks about her a lot, and Carlos says, "Every day. She was the light of my life. And that's why we named you after her because I could not imagine a world without a Juanita Solis in it." That tears me up much more than I thought possible. This scene: best in the whole episode. Carlos turns and notices Gaby, and she beckons Juanita to bed. The two of them leave the room and holy hell, Juanita is seriously just about the same size as her mom. It's crazy.
Gaby tucks in Juanita, who informs her that she and her friend want to go to the mall the next day. Gaby says she doesn't have time to take her, and also refuses Juanita's next request to let her ride her bike to the mall. "You're mean," says Juanita, but it doesn't really have any bite to it. "Well, sometimes I have to be mean because it's my job to protect you," explains Gaby. "What if you got hit by a bus?" Juanita: "That's not gonna happen!" Oh Juanita, I can't wait for you to become a teenager. "Well I can't take that chance," says Gaby. "You're my whole world. If something happened to you it would ruin my whole life." Her daughter nods as Gaby leans down to give her a kiss; at the door, Carlos stands and listens in on this prime example of dramatic irony.
Over at the house of self-pity, Bree sits in her living room with this look on her face like her entire world is falling apart. Orson wheels into the room with another woman who carries a box (exposition tells us that she's Orson's physical therapist, and I'd be interested to go back and see if it's the same one from last year). The PT leaves the Hodges alone and Orson asks if Bree will be okay. "Let's see," she says, "uh, I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking. I've had better Mondays." Orson apologizes, but Bree tells him not to be sorry because it's for the best. "We haven't been happy for a long time."
"You know what you need," says Orson. "A project." Bree says that's not the solution, that it would just be another way to avoid her emotions, and that she needs to figure out what to do with her life. "Well, whatever you do I know it will be spectacular," says Orson, holding out a hand that Bree gratefully takes. "Goodbye, Bree." And Orson leaves. This scene absolutely kills me. It completely resonates with all the wonderful qualities that made Bree and Orson such a couple to root for back in the day. I also think that this must have been just as heartbreaking a goodbye for the actors as it was for the characters, and that makes it all the more tragic. Why did they have to ruin this couple so completely?
Anyway, Bree sits quietly for a moment before getting up to go look at some family photos. She reminisces over her and Rex's wedding photo--also heartbreaking--and then smiles at a picture of her and Orson. It's then that she notices that the wallpaper is peeling. Annoyed, she climbs up to try to stick it back into place, but after a few failed attempts, loses it and rips it clear off the wall. Cue her going mad and ripping the wallpaper off of all of the walls until she's interrupted by a ringing phone. It's Orson, calling to make sure she's okay after "last night." Yes, Bree spent the whole night ripping wallpaper off of the walls. God, that is such an old-school Bree thing to do that my heart is singing. Please let this be the start of something good for her character. She tells Orson that she's found a project. Hell yes, you have.
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Over in the local jail, Paul is visiting Felicia. We quickly learn that Felicia is in for at least eighteen months and that she and Paul hate each other now more than ever. "Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I don't care what I have to do. I will see you behind bars again or dead, whichever is easier," says Felicia. She accuses Paul of killing her sister, but Paul breezily tells her he has to go do things like walk around in the fresh air. "You know you did it," says Felicia. Paul hangs up the phone--they record the conversations--and mouths, "I did it." Oh these crazy kids.
At the Scavos', the girls have gathered and Susan is trying to hawk her jewelry, which Lynette declares is "so big." Heh. That doesn't begin to cover how hideous it is. Actually, Susan takes it as a compliment. "You're welcome?" says Lynette. Double heh. Susan says she can't believe that the jewelry isn't selling and asks which of them wants some earrings. Said earrings are a big pink bead attached to several loops that ends with a chunky gold circle. They are horrible. She tries to sell them to Bree, who in turn pushes them on Gaby, who in turn changes the subject to where Renee is. Susan won't give up, though, and she promptly pawns them off on Lynette, who says she'll buy them and then snarks, "What are you guys getting?" to Gaby and Bree. "I'm gonna buy this. For Bree," says Gaby, picking up a gargantuan necklace. Fortunately for all, this is interrupted by Renee's arrival; Lynette makes quick introductions.
Ever polite, Bree says they've heard so much about Lynette's old roommate. "Ah, yes. You know how in school the pretty girls all hang out together," says Renee. "Well, I refused to go along with that." The girls are clearly taken aback, but Lynette just goes with it, saying that Renee comes off as a little stuck up, but it's great because it just saves everyone time. It's clear that Gaby, Susan and Bree aren't sure how to take this, and to be truthful, it is all very strange. I mean, people just don't talk to Lynette like this, and I think that's why it's coming off so foreign. Honestly, I hate "friendships" like this; they're so emotionally draining and even if you give as good as you get (which these two clearly do), eventually it's just going to leave you empty and depressed. If Lynette really roomed with her in college then it's almost as if she moved from one form of abuse to another (which sounds a little over-the-top, but seriously, I have had relationships like this before and they suck).
Anyway, Susan tries to change the subject by asking what Lynette was like in college. "Oh absolutely fearless," says Renee. "She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumors be damned!" Oh Lord. Lynette makes a zing about STDs and Gaby observes that they play rough. "No," says Lynette with this big, forced smile. "It's just what we do. It's fun. I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up..." Renee: "And I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down." Ah yes, fun times all around. They laugh awkwardly and, again, Susan tries to change the subject to Renee's husband. Lynette mentions that in their sorority--yes, Lynette, in a sorority; take a moment to let that mental image soak in while I remember that the only reason I can't scoff is because I was in a sorority--voted Renee the most likely to marry well. "And Lynette was voted most likely to succeed," says Renee. Then she makes this little tisking sound and Lynette's face falls. See what I mean about a friendship like this? It preys on insecurities.
Lynette demands to know what Renee meant by her little aside, and Renee says it's nothing and that she doesn't want to make Lynette feel bad. Yeah right. "I think our college friends would be surprised to see how you ended up," says Renee. Gaby laughs--thinking they're still being "funny"--and Susan and Bree give her dirty looks. I love how uncomfortable the other three are with this. It's like they're seeing Lynette painted in a different way for the first time; not as the strong woman they all believe she is, but as the weak little girl whose insecurities are what made her into such a control freak. It's kind of heartbreaking.
Lynette points out that she has had a career and raised a family, but that's not enough for Renee, who says they all had "such high hopes" for her. "At least I didn't spend the last fifteen years sponging off a rich guy," snarks Lynette. Susan begs for them to stop; they ignore her and continue fighting. "The Lynette I knew never would have settled for this," says Renee, as though Lynette's life is so terrible. "You were adventurous. You backpacked through Croatia. You jumped on stage at a Springsteen concert. It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team." And that does it folks; astounded looks all around, but none as shocked as poor Tom, who has just walked in the door and looks completely crushed.
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That night, Lynette is taking off the ugly earrings (she wore those all day?) while Tom sits on their bed already in his pajamas. Lynette is completely baffled by Renee's behavior, asking Tom why she would come all the way across the country just to dump on her life. Because she is mean and jealous. Tom, completely distracted, says, "Two guys, huh?" Lynette barely acknowledges that before going back to Renee, but Tom can't let this go. He wants details. "Oh, drop it, Tom!" she begs, but he just goes on to say that he's shielded her from the raunchier parts of his past like a little story he calls "D-cups on the teacups." Oh God. Lynette throws a toy ball at his head. He deserves it. "Okay, I'm dropping it now," he says. He asks why she's getting upset, considering how much she and Renee love to pick at one another, but Lynette is sincerely traumatized. She says that Renee wasn't joking and that she doesn't "get to be disappointed in my life." Tom tells her that she should tell Renee, and Lynette agrees. Then Tom goes on to push his luck by requesting that they revisit something he asked for on his fortieth birthday that he thinks seems doable in light of recent revelations. Lynette responds by slamming the door. Seriously, Tom? She had a baby like a week ago. Idiot.
Downstairs, Lynette tosses a phone book at Renee and tells her to look for a hotel. Finally sincere, Renee says that she thought she might have hit a nerve that afternoon. "If you find my life that pathetic, I'm going to spare you the agony of observing it," says Lynette. She turns to leave, but Renee stops her by saying she doesn't think Lynette's life is pathetic. Hurt, Lynette acquiesces this point, but says that Renee clearly thinks her life is better, so Lynette will just admit that it is. "Congratulations," she says, turning again. This time Renee calls out that her husband is leaving her; she found out he was cheating and he chose the affair over her. She didn't have anywhere else to go, so she came to Lynette.
As usual, Lynette proves to be completely wonderful by letting go of all of her anger and simply showing compassion for her friend. She drops down on the sofa bed, hand over her heart, and asks why Renee didn't tell her. "I haven't even admitted it to myself yet. How could I tell you?" asks Renee. Lynette tells her that she can stay as long as she needs to, and then the two of them go back to insulting one another. This relationship is completely screwed up.
Jack is at the hospital working late when Carlos bursts in. He tells Jack that he's giving him two options: one, he'll sue the hospital or two, Jack makes the whole thing go away. Jack tries to point out that they've already taken steps to find the other family, but Carlos orders him to try to call it off. He doesn't want Gaby to know. "If Gaby knew the truth, it would kill her. No, I can't tell her."
Meanwhile, Gaby tells Bree the exact same thing: she can't tell Carlos about his mother. She says that Carlos is so happy; she doesn't want to ruin that by telling him the truth. "I won't let anything change that." This better not end with Gaby and Carlos splitting up, that's all I have to say.
Back at the craphole, Mike is sulkily drinking a beer when Susan comes in with groceries. Mike says that the bank turned down his loan application, so he's not going to be able to expand his business which means that he'll only be able to take "dinky" jobs and they'll never get out of there. Susan sighs, but tries to be upbeat. Mike has a better idea: he moves to Alaska and works six months on an oil rig. HA! Oh man. Sure, douche. Go for it. Susan says that she and MJ need him, but Mike says he has to go. "Give me a month before you make a decision," begs Susan. She says she thinks the jewelry biz will take off soon; Mike is skeptical.
Cut to Susan knocking on Maxine's door. She agrees to work for her and any self-respect Susan had left just went out the window. By the way, Susan, this coming out will not help your teaching career. This plot has just become truly depressing.
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A handyman, Keith, is inspecting Bree's home repair work. He thinks Bree should go with a bold color like scarlet, but she's skeptical. There's a honk outside and Bree heads out to find Orson there with his physical therapist. He has papers for her to sign (fastest divorce EVER), and she invites him to a dinner party at Andrew's on the tenth. She says that both she and Andrew want him to still feel like part of the family. That right there also kills me. I loved Andrew and Orson's relationship; I feel like Bree is still trying too. It's painful to see what happens next, which is that the PT points out that she and Orson have plans that night and Bree realizes they're involved.
Orson tells the PT to wait in the van, and then tells Bree that his relationship with Judy evolved. Bree wants to know if that happened while they were still together, but Orson says no, Judy waited a respectable amount of time. Bree, validly, points out that it's been a week, and Orson, nobly, doesn't point out that she had an affair for the better part of last year. Anyway, they're both broken. Orson says that at their age, and after so many years of being miserable, they can't let an opportunity pass them by.
Bree goes back into the house, broken, while Keith blathers on about a painting the room a bright yellow. She looks at him like she's seeing how attractive he is for the first time and really, writers, really, she's over Orson that fast? God. Bree was finally likable again in this episode; can't we continue her on that path? Why does she have to jump write into something else?
Across the street, Paul's checking his mail when Lee walks up. He says the neighbors are blaming him for Paul's return; Paul, unsurprisingly, couldn't care less. In fact, he wants to buy his old house from Lee. So bizarre. I suppose his evil plan is rooted in real estate acquisitions.
"Bad news travels quickly," says Mary Alice as the camera follows a child on a bicycle. "And when it arrives we have to find a way to deal with it." Bree picks up a newspaper as Mary Alice says, "If our husbands tell us they've moved on, we look for project to distract us." Bree glances lustfully at Keith. Blah. Over at Susan's, Mrs. Delfino is dressed in pink lingerie while she dusts her laptop. "If the bills start to stack up, we find ways to earn extra cash." That is just so pathetic. Meanwhile, Carlos and Gaby are eating breakfast. "If we're told a secret too terrible to share, we learn to keep it to ourselves." Cut to the jail, where Felicia hangs up a picture of Paul. "But we must remember the bad news that's delivered can sometimes be good news in disguise." Felicia and her roommate discuss what a shame it is that Paul is out free, but Felicia says that now he can finally receive the punishment he deserves. "Paul Young will be dead within six months," says Felicia. When asked how when she's in jail, Felicia offer that "Paul Young doesn't have friends on that street. I do." How ominous!
Well, I'd give that episode a solid B. It was actually really depressing; more so than I realized when I first watched it. Most of the humor came from Lynette and Renee zinging each other, but there was something so hateful about it that it ended up just making me sadder. Plus, so much of the episode was exposition to set up what's coming next. I think that they have some really interesting places to go from here, but tonight was definitely just the foundation. But at least, for once, I'm actually interested in the mystery. Here's hoping it doesn't drag out indefinitely.
Season seven kicks off with a close up of Paul Young. We're in flashback land, and Mary Alice is remembering her husband. "There was a time when my husband and I were very happy," explains Mary Alice as she comes over and gives Paul a smooch. The camera pulls back as Mary Alice reminisces about the good old days, revealing all the neighbors sitting around at a barbecue. They even dug out some of the dearly departed like Rex and Martha Huber. I will say this is a little odd, though, because both Martha and Karen (who is also there) were sort of recluses back in the day. I can't quite imagine them being invited to a cookout. But whatever. I'll go with it.
"Our life was like some kind of suburban dream," says Mary Alice as fake little Scavos run through the picnic. "But the day comes when we all must wake up." For Mary Alice, that was the day she got the infamous threatening note. Yes, the show is giving us a huge recap of the first two seasons. What a waste of five precious minutes for those of us who have been watching all along. She claims that she did what she had to to protect her family, but let's be honest here: if Mary Alice hadn't committed suicide, how would this all have gone down? I mean, would Paul have killed Martha? Would he have gone to jail? Would any of this even matter? It's a big question that will (probably) never be answered. Anyway, so y'all hopefully know that Paul killed Martha and then was framed for her sister's death and ended up in the slammer.
"Years later, a woman was pulled over for speeding," explains Mary Alice. And as they show her getting cuffed, we can see that it's Felicia because of her creepy three-fingered hand. So that's how it was discovered that Felicia was alive and Paul got out of jail. Of course, not one person on Wisteria Lane managed to read about this.
Cut to Paul, spiffing himself up in jail. His lawyer comes in and gives him a "sorry we threw you in jail" check, and is surprised to learn that Paul is going home. He provides more exposition about how none of Paul's neighbors came to visit him, so why would he want to go back there? "No one would blame you if you hated them a little," he says. Paul: "Oh, I don't hate them...a little." Ha!
Anyway, back on Wisteria Lane, Paul comes out of Susan's house and Karen sees him. She's so shocked she drops all her groceries. Mary Alice sums up her little opening by saying that Paul is going to make sure the neighbors never forget him again. Okay, clearly Paul's time in jail made him a little crazy. I mean, I never had the impression that he was that close to his neighbors, so why the sudden obsession? If he should be mad at anyone, I would expect it to be Zach (the one who really left him to rot). Am I overthinking this? Probably.
Wee little credits. Oh how I've missed you.
Cut to a series of ways you can get bad news, courtesy of Mary Alice: a late night phone call; a letter; email; text message; etc. "But some news is so bad it must be delivered in person," she finishes. And that sums up Mary Alice's contribution until the end. Thank you, Mary Alice.
We're at the hospital where that guy from last season (who claimed to know the couple whose baby was switched) is fighting with some big wig who wants him to go deliver the news. He thinks it will be better coming from someone who knows the couple. The guy seriously whines for way too long about being stuck with this job, but big wig tells him to just remain as calm as possible when delivering the news. Sage advice, big wig.
Back on the Lane, Karen is desperately searching for someone to tell about Paul. Bree isn't home, so she finds some random neighbors on the street. The camera then goes inside Gaby's house where she and Bree sit on the couch. Without delay, Bree blurts out the truth: Andrew ran over Juanita. "Oh God!" says Gaby as Bree gives explanations. "This is bad! This is really bad!" gasps Gaby. Bree says she should have told Gaby sooner, but Gaby says she shouldn't have told her at all. "Now I have to tell Carlos and he's going to kill Andrew and then he's going to have to go to prison. So thank you for sending my husband to prison, Bree! Nice work!" Hee! Eva Longoria Parker delivers that in one breath too, making it even funnier.
"I just couldn't live with this secret any longer," says Bree, skipping over all the many, many things that backed her into this corner. "When Orson found out he told me I was a horrible person." Gaby: "That's why you told me? Oh please, we're ALL horrible people!" HAHA! And so true. Bree keeps apologizing and even adds that Orson left her because of this, but Gaby is beyond caring. She's completely obsessed with how she's going to break the news to Carlos. "How am I gonna tell Carlos? He is gonna be so angry! And he'll probably find a way to blame me!" Gaby whines, breaking down in tears and leaning in for a hug. Bree looks stunned--but really, doesn't she know Gaby by now?--but they're interrupted by Karen rapping on the door. "You'll never guess who's back!" she shouts.
Meanwhile, over at the Scavos', the whole family is inside finishing up breakfast. As usual, everyone is whining at Lynette: she didn't run the dishwasher, they're out of milk, she needs to go to the dry cleaners. Lynette, who is holding the new baby, couldn't care less. She tells them all to look at their hands and says that anyone not holding a baby can fend for himself. Okay, I have to pause for a moment to ask what the hell they did to Joshua Logan Moore. He was already dorky on this show (which he SO isn't in real life; seriously, I saw an interview with him and he was really a normal looking kid), but they've taken it to a whole new level. His hair is like this weird orange color and combed really stupidly and he looks like he's going through the most awkward stage of puberty. Also of note: Darcy Rose Byrnes (new Penny) is kind of freakishly pale and creeps me out a little. She better prove to have some merit as new Penny but quick!
Anyway, Lynette sits down at the table and says the days of her being the perfect mom are over. That crap with Eddie must have pushed her over the edge. "And when were those days exactly?" snarks Parker. Of course Lynette gives it right back: "It's my uterus that's worn out, not my hearing." Somehow that comment doesn't elicit even one groan from her kids. Tom, stupidly, asks if she's really not going to help out around the house because "this place is really starting to go to hell" and Lynette growls, "Baby number five! An entire basketball team has come out of me, so I am officially too exhausted to care!" HA! Best line of the episode right there, folks.
The phone rings; Parker answers while Preston snipes at Lynette about his definition of a good mom. Lynette coos at the baby that Preston is about to be beaten, but before anyone can respond to this, Parker pipes up that Renee Perry is on the phone for Lynette. She hands the baby off to Tom while Penny asks who Renee is, leading to yet more expository dialogue (Renee is Lynette's old college friend who is married to Doug Perry, a Yankee ball player, and is rich. Might I add that all of this exposition comes from the boys, who also claim that Lynette's been visiting Renee in New York every few years and that she always comes back in a great mood. How the hell has Penny missed this? I don't understand. It's not like she's new to the family--new actress jokes aside. Whatever.). Lynette hangs up the phone and announces, unhappily, that Renee is coming to visit tomorrow. Immediately the family is put on clean-up duty, though Tom tries to slack off by claiming that now he's holding the baby. Hee! As Lynette rushes to the door with a bag of trash, she opens it to find Karen, Bree and Gaby there to tell her the news about Paul.
The Delfinos arrive at their new apartment. It's small, but not too terribly crappy. MJ enters skeptically and asks if they're poor now. Susan tries to explain that they're not poor and makes some crude jokes about the poor that even MJ knows are lame. Then the super parents try to explain to MJ how they're tight on money but they'll be back home soon thanks to Mike and Susan both working and Susan selling the "really cool" jewelry she's been making. MJ: "Oh God." Yes, kid, you have the lamest parents in the land.
The phone rings. Of course it's Karen, calling to tell her about the return of Paul. Cut to Susan speeding up outside her old house and demanding of the girls (Bree, Gaby and Lynette) where Paul is. They tell her he's in the house (duh). They can't believe Susan rented it to him, but Susan, being the intelligent person she is, didn't even bother to ask who she was renting too. Hilariously, Lynette does this whole, "You didn't even ask for his name?" line as though Susan is a complete moron (she is). Bree glosses over this by wondering how Paul is even out of jail. Conveniently, Paul has popped up right behind them and offers to let them come inside so he can answer the question. Not one of these women hesitates to go inside the house of a man they think is (and actually is) a murderer. As if Lynette hasn't had her share of being trapped in the home of a killer in the past twenty-four hours or so.
Inside the house, Bree exclaims, "Felicia Tillman's alive?!" Paul asks why they're surprised, considering he said it over and over again at his trial. "Oh wait. That's right. None of you could make it to the courthouse," he says in this creepily calm voice. Maybe I'd find this whole revenge plot easier to believe if Paul had seemed to find these women anything but obnoxious in the first two seasons. He goes on to whine about how they never visited him in prison either. Lynette apologizes for the group (no surprise there) and Gaby makes a joke about how they thought Paul was a killer (that doesn't go over so well). Surprisingly, Susan is the one to ask the logical question of why Paul wanted to come back. "Why do you think?" he asks. "I missed my friends." He smiles like the killer he is.
A few minutes later, the girls leave Susan's (Paul's? Pusan's?) and Gaby mentions that Paul Young still gives her the creeps. "I can't believe Paul Young is back on Wisteria Lane," says Lynette. "And he's using my shower," adds Susan. Heh.
As the girls stand on the corner and gossip like old times (really, this is SO reminiscent of season 1), the man who has to break the baby switching news sits in his car watching them. He sighs unhappily and exits his car, heading toward them only to be interrupted by Carlos, who calls him by name (Jack). Jack detours and goes over to Carlos, and we all have to take a moment to completely crack up at Ricardo Antonio Chavira without his facial hair. He looks like he's about twelve and it completely ruins the seriousness of this scene. And truly, it's about to get tragic, because Jack has come to break the news to the Solises. Carlos beckons Gaby over, but she tells him to give her a minute. Jack and Carlos go inside.
Inside, Jack has already broken the news and Carlos is irate. He claims that they still have the bracelet the hospital put on Juanita's ankle when she was born. I was so broken up that it was Juanita. Of course that has more emotional resonance because they audience is attached to her, but it's really heartbreaking. I love that little girl. Jack explains that the nurse had a drinking problem and they didn't know about it until now. Carlos can't believe that he's only finding this out now, eight years later. Well thank God Juanita didn't age any more over the summer. Jack keeps trying to keep the blame off of the hospital, but Carlos isn't having it. He tells Jack that if he goes "all lawyer" on him then he'll put Jack's "head through a wall." Do it, Carlos.
Carlos goes to the window, seriously looking like he's about to fall apart, and stares out at Gaby, Lynette and Bree, who have migrated to Gaby's end of the street. "So where is our...biologi--God! I don't even know what to call her!" I didn't like this scene when it first aired, but I'm enjoying it much more the second time through. I like how Chavira is playing Carlos as all rage with just a hint of how heartbreaking this is; it's very in character for Carlos. Jack says they haven't been able to track down the other family yet, and Carlos instantly says that they're not telling Gaby until they find the other girl. Looking more concerned than ever, Jack says he has to tell her whether Carlos wants him to or not. Finally, Carlos yells that he'll do it, but that he doesn't know how. "This is going to destroy her," he says, as if it's not going to destroy both of them. Seriously, these two and their baby drama; how much can one couple go through?
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The next day (is this really going to be another season where they box in the timeline so stupidly?), Lynette stands outside of her house inspecting her family. She has them set up in a picture perfect pose on the porch, all dressed up and looking spiffy. "Why are we doing this?" snarks Porter. Lynette says that when Renee arrives she's going to see the one thing Lynette can show off, her "beautiful, beautiful family." Then she chastises Parker for having a pimple. Like puberty isn't hard enough. Tom tries to inject some reason into this, but as usual, his argument fails to fly.
Moments later, a limo pulls up outside of the Scavos' and Tom orders everyone to smile "for Mom and her strange and twisted friendship." Clearly Tom knows what's what. Renee steps out of the car and Lynette rushes to greet her, but Renee puts her off by holding up a finger and yapping into her phone. For the briefest second, Lynette looks hurt, but then she covers it by turning to give Tom one of those "can you believe this?" looks of hers. Renee tells the person on the phone that she has someone more important to talk to; Lynette makes attempt number two, but Renee puts her off again to switch to another call. Finally, Lynette snatches the phone and hangs up on the guy. They hug.
"Oh no," says Renee as they part. "Please tell me you didn't dump Tom for this handsome young trophy husband!" Bless his heart, Tom is all sincerity as he says, "It's me, Renee! I mean, I do work out like three times a week, so maybe that's what you're..." He catches a glimpse of Lynette's face and trails off. Heh. Renee exclaims over Lynette's kids and Penny obediently rushes up with the new baby and hands her off so Lynette can brag about the newborn. "You know, I've been blessed," says Lynette as the extremely fake baby she's holding spits up on her. Ah, the joys of mothering a plastic baby.
Later, inside, Tom apologizes, but says he has to rush off to work, giving Lynette a quick peck as he goes. "Work?" schmoozes Renee. "And I thought you wore that sexy tie just for me." Tom: "You like it? They say that bolder colors are coming back so I thought I'd..." He looks at Lynette, who is absolutely incredulous. "Okay," he says. And he's out the door. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Scavo.
After Tom leaves, Renee starts going on and on about how cozy and intimate Lynette's house is. It's very condescending, which is not lost on Lynette, who shouts to her kids, "Pay attention, kids, you're learning a lot of new words for small." The ladies make their way into the kitchen, where the Scavo kids are all sitting around doing nothing. It's a little bizarre and I'm surprised the kids stuck around. Of course, I'm also surprised they're not in school, but what do I know. Renee blathers about how big her house is; Lynette makes some snarky servant jokes to the point that Preston actually butts in with a "Mom!" Like she's totally embarrassing him. Hahaha. "It's alright. We're just old friends reconnecting," says Lynette.
Renee seems as unperturbed as Lynette by the impression they're making on her kids, and she continues to make compliments that sound like put-downs about the Scavo house. It reminds me of that episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke goes to Friday night dinner and Emily puts him down without saying one actual negative thing (making beer sound like nit-wit juice). Of course the difference here is that Lynette gives it right back to her. Eventually they cool it long enough for Lynette to sincerely ask how Renee's husband is. "Oh he's fine," says Renee casually. "With all that stuff--the team, the jet, the money--it's like a fantasy world. This is what I yearn for. This is real. This is sticky," she finishes up as she sticks her finger in some suspicious splotch on the table. Heh.
Parker is impressed and conjectures that she must be staying at a fancy hotel. Renee says she hasn't booked one yet, so Parker instantly offers to let her stay at their place. Super polite or completely inconsiderate of his mother: you make the call. Lynette starts to say that she's sure Renee doesn't want to, but Renee quickly agrees. "Are you sure?" asks Lynette, clearly not thrilled by this. "'Cause you know, with five kids it gets...stickier." Renee says she's sure, she wants to catch up with her "old, old friend" (then comes the first of several plastic surgery jokes), and Lynette ignores this and says she'll set her up on the sleeper sofa. Ah, so maybe that's where Eddie crashed last year. Mysteries are being solved left and right!
Over at the apartment of the unwashed masses, Susan knocks on her landlady's door and introduces herself. She's dropping off the security deposit, and apologizes for it being late, but they're having "money problems." I love that Susan tells every Tom, Dick and Harry this fact when Mike worked so hard to keep it a secret. Of course, Susan does love her pity. Suddenly much more interested in Susan, the landlady introduces herself as Maxine and invites Susan inside.
A few minutes later, Susan sips tea as Maxine gushes about what a shame it is about Mike's business. "And here you are with no skills, trying to make end's meat," she says. Susan is quick to point out that she has skills, but instead of claiming one of her legitimate ones (like, say, being an award-winning illustrator), she holds out her wrist to show off an ugly, clunky bracelet she made. Skillfully bypassing this, Maxine tells Susan how she was in the same boat after her husband died, but she started her own business. "And now I'm able to help other struggling women. You know, they set their own hours. They work from their own homes. And oy, oy, oy, the money!" She offers to show Susan, who blathers on about how she's always been told she has a good phone voice, but as Maxine opens the sliding doors to the next room, Susan is shocked to see a whole surveillance system set up. On the screens are several women, scantily dressed, performing household tasks. Susan is dumbfounded.
"It's my website!" announced Maxine. "Va-Va-Va-Broom dot com!" HA! "You run a porn site?" asks Susan. "You're trying to lure me into pornography?" Can I say that I am a little impressed that Susan is aghast and not flattered. This seems like the kind of backward compliment that she would normally eat up. Maxine claims that the site is PG; only women doing housework in their lingerie. "So, what do you say?" she asks. Susan gets all up in her face. "I say shame! Shame on you!" Maxine starts to go on about how all the women are respectable and doing this for legitimate reasons, but Susan asks if they aren't worried about being seen by people they know. "Most of our clients are overseas," says Maxine. She keeps trying to ply Susan--showing her an envelope full of cash--and for a second Susan seems bewitched. But then she sticks to her guns and rushes out of the apartment. Don't expect that self-respect to last long.
Commercials.
Night. Baby-faced Carlos is looking through Juanita's baby book when his daughter bounces up on the bed to ask what he's doing. Carlos laughs and says he's looking at family photos. Juanita points to a picture of her grandma and asks who that is; Carlos responds by tweaking her nose and explaining that it's his mom. "I wish I had met her," says Juanita as Gaby comes out of the bathroom and lurks behind them. "You would have loved her," says Carlos. Juanita asks if Carlos thinks about her a lot, and Carlos says, "Every day. She was the light of my life. And that's why we named you after her because I could not imagine a world without a Juanita Solis in it." That tears me up much more than I thought possible. This scene: best in the whole episode. Carlos turns and notices Gaby, and she beckons Juanita to bed. The two of them leave the room and holy hell, Juanita is seriously just about the same size as her mom. It's crazy.
Gaby tucks in Juanita, who informs her that she and her friend want to go to the mall the next day. Gaby says she doesn't have time to take her, and also refuses Juanita's next request to let her ride her bike to the mall. "You're mean," says Juanita, but it doesn't really have any bite to it. "Well, sometimes I have to be mean because it's my job to protect you," explains Gaby. "What if you got hit by a bus?" Juanita: "That's not gonna happen!" Oh Juanita, I can't wait for you to become a teenager. "Well I can't take that chance," says Gaby. "You're my whole world. If something happened to you it would ruin my whole life." Her daughter nods as Gaby leans down to give her a kiss; at the door, Carlos stands and listens in on this prime example of dramatic irony.
Over at the house of self-pity, Bree sits in her living room with this look on her face like her entire world is falling apart. Orson wheels into the room with another woman who carries a box (exposition tells us that she's Orson's physical therapist, and I'd be interested to go back and see if it's the same one from last year). The PT leaves the Hodges alone and Orson asks if Bree will be okay. "Let's see," she says, "uh, I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking. I've had better Mondays." Orson apologizes, but Bree tells him not to be sorry because it's for the best. "We haven't been happy for a long time."
"You know what you need," says Orson. "A project." Bree says that's not the solution, that it would just be another way to avoid her emotions, and that she needs to figure out what to do with her life. "Well, whatever you do I know it will be spectacular," says Orson, holding out a hand that Bree gratefully takes. "Goodbye, Bree." And Orson leaves. This scene absolutely kills me. It completely resonates with all the wonderful qualities that made Bree and Orson such a couple to root for back in the day. I also think that this must have been just as heartbreaking a goodbye for the actors as it was for the characters, and that makes it all the more tragic. Why did they have to ruin this couple so completely?
Anyway, Bree sits quietly for a moment before getting up to go look at some family photos. She reminisces over her and Rex's wedding photo--also heartbreaking--and then smiles at a picture of her and Orson. It's then that she notices that the wallpaper is peeling. Annoyed, she climbs up to try to stick it back into place, but after a few failed attempts, loses it and rips it clear off the wall. Cue her going mad and ripping the wallpaper off of all of the walls until she's interrupted by a ringing phone. It's Orson, calling to make sure she's okay after "last night." Yes, Bree spent the whole night ripping wallpaper off of the walls. God, that is such an old-school Bree thing to do that my heart is singing. Please let this be the start of something good for her character. She tells Orson that she's found a project. Hell yes, you have.
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Over in the local jail, Paul is visiting Felicia. We quickly learn that Felicia is in for at least eighteen months and that she and Paul hate each other now more than ever. "Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I don't care what I have to do. I will see you behind bars again or dead, whichever is easier," says Felicia. She accuses Paul of killing her sister, but Paul breezily tells her he has to go do things like walk around in the fresh air. "You know you did it," says Felicia. Paul hangs up the phone--they record the conversations--and mouths, "I did it." Oh these crazy kids.
At the Scavos', the girls have gathered and Susan is trying to hawk her jewelry, which Lynette declares is "so big." Heh. That doesn't begin to cover how hideous it is. Actually, Susan takes it as a compliment. "You're welcome?" says Lynette. Double heh. Susan says she can't believe that the jewelry isn't selling and asks which of them wants some earrings. Said earrings are a big pink bead attached to several loops that ends with a chunky gold circle. They are horrible. She tries to sell them to Bree, who in turn pushes them on Gaby, who in turn changes the subject to where Renee is. Susan won't give up, though, and she promptly pawns them off on Lynette, who says she'll buy them and then snarks, "What are you guys getting?" to Gaby and Bree. "I'm gonna buy this. For Bree," says Gaby, picking up a gargantuan necklace. Fortunately for all, this is interrupted by Renee's arrival; Lynette makes quick introductions.
Ever polite, Bree says they've heard so much about Lynette's old roommate. "Ah, yes. You know how in school the pretty girls all hang out together," says Renee. "Well, I refused to go along with that." The girls are clearly taken aback, but Lynette just goes with it, saying that Renee comes off as a little stuck up, but it's great because it just saves everyone time. It's clear that Gaby, Susan and Bree aren't sure how to take this, and to be truthful, it is all very strange. I mean, people just don't talk to Lynette like this, and I think that's why it's coming off so foreign. Honestly, I hate "friendships" like this; they're so emotionally draining and even if you give as good as you get (which these two clearly do), eventually it's just going to leave you empty and depressed. If Lynette really roomed with her in college then it's almost as if she moved from one form of abuse to another (which sounds a little over-the-top, but seriously, I have had relationships like this before and they suck).
Anyway, Susan tries to change the subject by asking what Lynette was like in college. "Oh absolutely fearless," says Renee. "She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumors be damned!" Oh Lord. Lynette makes a zing about STDs and Gaby observes that they play rough. "No," says Lynette with this big, forced smile. "It's just what we do. It's fun. I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up..." Renee: "And I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down." Ah yes, fun times all around. They laugh awkwardly and, again, Susan tries to change the subject to Renee's husband. Lynette mentions that in their sorority--yes, Lynette, in a sorority; take a moment to let that mental image soak in while I remember that the only reason I can't scoff is because I was in a sorority--voted Renee the most likely to marry well. "And Lynette was voted most likely to succeed," says Renee. Then she makes this little tisking sound and Lynette's face falls. See what I mean about a friendship like this? It preys on insecurities.
Lynette demands to know what Renee meant by her little aside, and Renee says it's nothing and that she doesn't want to make Lynette feel bad. Yeah right. "I think our college friends would be surprised to see how you ended up," says Renee. Gaby laughs--thinking they're still being "funny"--and Susan and Bree give her dirty looks. I love how uncomfortable the other three are with this. It's like they're seeing Lynette painted in a different way for the first time; not as the strong woman they all believe she is, but as the weak little girl whose insecurities are what made her into such a control freak. It's kind of heartbreaking.
Lynette points out that she has had a career and raised a family, but that's not enough for Renee, who says they all had "such high hopes" for her. "At least I didn't spend the last fifteen years sponging off a rich guy," snarks Lynette. Susan begs for them to stop; they ignore her and continue fighting. "The Lynette I knew never would have settled for this," says Renee, as though Lynette's life is so terrible. "You were adventurous. You backpacked through Croatia. You jumped on stage at a Springsteen concert. It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team." And that does it folks; astounded looks all around, but none as shocked as poor Tom, who has just walked in the door and looks completely crushed.
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That night, Lynette is taking off the ugly earrings (she wore those all day?) while Tom sits on their bed already in his pajamas. Lynette is completely baffled by Renee's behavior, asking Tom why she would come all the way across the country just to dump on her life. Because she is mean and jealous. Tom, completely distracted, says, "Two guys, huh?" Lynette barely acknowledges that before going back to Renee, but Tom can't let this go. He wants details. "Oh, drop it, Tom!" she begs, but he just goes on to say that he's shielded her from the raunchier parts of his past like a little story he calls "D-cups on the teacups." Oh God. Lynette throws a toy ball at his head. He deserves it. "Okay, I'm dropping it now," he says. He asks why she's getting upset, considering how much she and Renee love to pick at one another, but Lynette is sincerely traumatized. She says that Renee wasn't joking and that she doesn't "get to be disappointed in my life." Tom tells her that she should tell Renee, and Lynette agrees. Then Tom goes on to push his luck by requesting that they revisit something he asked for on his fortieth birthday that he thinks seems doable in light of recent revelations. Lynette responds by slamming the door. Seriously, Tom? She had a baby like a week ago. Idiot.
Downstairs, Lynette tosses a phone book at Renee and tells her to look for a hotel. Finally sincere, Renee says that she thought she might have hit a nerve that afternoon. "If you find my life that pathetic, I'm going to spare you the agony of observing it," says Lynette. She turns to leave, but Renee stops her by saying she doesn't think Lynette's life is pathetic. Hurt, Lynette acquiesces this point, but says that Renee clearly thinks her life is better, so Lynette will just admit that it is. "Congratulations," she says, turning again. This time Renee calls out that her husband is leaving her; she found out he was cheating and he chose the affair over her. She didn't have anywhere else to go, so she came to Lynette.
As usual, Lynette proves to be completely wonderful by letting go of all of her anger and simply showing compassion for her friend. She drops down on the sofa bed, hand over her heart, and asks why Renee didn't tell her. "I haven't even admitted it to myself yet. How could I tell you?" asks Renee. Lynette tells her that she can stay as long as she needs to, and then the two of them go back to insulting one another. This relationship is completely screwed up.
Jack is at the hospital working late when Carlos bursts in. He tells Jack that he's giving him two options: one, he'll sue the hospital or two, Jack makes the whole thing go away. Jack tries to point out that they've already taken steps to find the other family, but Carlos orders him to try to call it off. He doesn't want Gaby to know. "If Gaby knew the truth, it would kill her. No, I can't tell her."
Meanwhile, Gaby tells Bree the exact same thing: she can't tell Carlos about his mother. She says that Carlos is so happy; she doesn't want to ruin that by telling him the truth. "I won't let anything change that." This better not end with Gaby and Carlos splitting up, that's all I have to say.
Back at the craphole, Mike is sulkily drinking a beer when Susan comes in with groceries. Mike says that the bank turned down his loan application, so he's not going to be able to expand his business which means that he'll only be able to take "dinky" jobs and they'll never get out of there. Susan sighs, but tries to be upbeat. Mike has a better idea: he moves to Alaska and works six months on an oil rig. HA! Oh man. Sure, douche. Go for it. Susan says that she and MJ need him, but Mike says he has to go. "Give me a month before you make a decision," begs Susan. She says she thinks the jewelry biz will take off soon; Mike is skeptical.
Cut to Susan knocking on Maxine's door. She agrees to work for her and any self-respect Susan had left just went out the window. By the way, Susan, this coming out will not help your teaching career. This plot has just become truly depressing.
Commercials.
A handyman, Keith, is inspecting Bree's home repair work. He thinks Bree should go with a bold color like scarlet, but she's skeptical. There's a honk outside and Bree heads out to find Orson there with his physical therapist. He has papers for her to sign (fastest divorce EVER), and she invites him to a dinner party at Andrew's on the tenth. She says that both she and Andrew want him to still feel like part of the family. That right there also kills me. I loved Andrew and Orson's relationship; I feel like Bree is still trying too. It's painful to see what happens next, which is that the PT points out that she and Orson have plans that night and Bree realizes they're involved.
Orson tells the PT to wait in the van, and then tells Bree that his relationship with Judy evolved. Bree wants to know if that happened while they were still together, but Orson says no, Judy waited a respectable amount of time. Bree, validly, points out that it's been a week, and Orson, nobly, doesn't point out that she had an affair for the better part of last year. Anyway, they're both broken. Orson says that at their age, and after so many years of being miserable, they can't let an opportunity pass them by.
Bree goes back into the house, broken, while Keith blathers on about a painting the room a bright yellow. She looks at him like she's seeing how attractive he is for the first time and really, writers, really, she's over Orson that fast? God. Bree was finally likable again in this episode; can't we continue her on that path? Why does she have to jump write into something else?
Across the street, Paul's checking his mail when Lee walks up. He says the neighbors are blaming him for Paul's return; Paul, unsurprisingly, couldn't care less. In fact, he wants to buy his old house from Lee. So bizarre. I suppose his evil plan is rooted in real estate acquisitions.
"Bad news travels quickly," says Mary Alice as the camera follows a child on a bicycle. "And when it arrives we have to find a way to deal with it." Bree picks up a newspaper as Mary Alice says, "If our husbands tell us they've moved on, we look for project to distract us." Bree glances lustfully at Keith. Blah. Over at Susan's, Mrs. Delfino is dressed in pink lingerie while she dusts her laptop. "If the bills start to stack up, we find ways to earn extra cash." That is just so pathetic. Meanwhile, Carlos and Gaby are eating breakfast. "If we're told a secret too terrible to share, we learn to keep it to ourselves." Cut to the jail, where Felicia hangs up a picture of Paul. "But we must remember the bad news that's delivered can sometimes be good news in disguise." Felicia and her roommate discuss what a shame it is that Paul is out free, but Felicia says that now he can finally receive the punishment he deserves. "Paul Young will be dead within six months," says Felicia. When asked how when she's in jail, Felicia offer that "Paul Young doesn't have friends on that street. I do." How ominous!
Well, I'd give that episode a solid B. It was actually really depressing; more so than I realized when I first watched it. Most of the humor came from Lynette and Renee zinging each other, but there was something so hateful about it that it ended up just making me sadder. Plus, so much of the episode was exposition to set up what's coming next. I think that they have some really interesting places to go from here, but tonight was definitely just the foundation. But at least, for once, I'm actually interested in the mystery. Here's hoping it doesn't drag out indefinitely.
Some Fun
Snagged this from another LJ while I was searching for Friday Night Lights fanfic. I just thought it would be fun.
1) The first character I fell in love with:
I'd have to say Lynette. Mary Alice drew me in and hooked me in the first couple of seconds and, initially, I thought that Susan was going to be my favorite (oh, do not mock me...she was not nearly so annoying in the beginning), but Lynette was the first one I loved. It was that moment when she broke down on the soccer field to Susan and Bree; I just knew I'd love her forever.
2) The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:
Carlos. He was such a jerk at the beginning and then they slowly melded him into a lovable jerk (last season's drama with Lynette aside).
3) The character everyone else loves that I don't:
Bree. I don't mind Bree, but everyone else loves her and I certainly don't. She's just too unrelenting and hypocritical for me to really feel a connection to.
4) The character I love that everyone else hates:
I'm not sure there is one for DH. I seem to be able to better tolerate Susan more than a lot of other people do, but I do not love her in any way, shape or form.
5) The character I would sex up or make out with anytime:
Uh, this one should be so obvious. Tom. Love him.
6) The character I'd want to be like:
Want to be like? Probably Karen McCluskey once I'm a little old lady. I want to be feisty like that.
7) The character I'd slap:
Mike. Because he is a douche.
8) A pairing that I love:
Another obvious one: Tom and Lynette. Seriously, since the moment they danced together in the living room in "Pretty Little Picture" I have been in love with them. They top the charts of my all-time faves.
9) A pairing that I despise:
Edie and Carlos. She turned into a such a mess around him and I never understood why. Edie just always seemed so above and beyond that, so I never liked that she became this pathetic sob story around him. Plus it was SO obvious that Carlos and Gaby were going to end up back together, so it was a waste of time.
10) Favorite character:
Lynette. Obviously.
11) What are your five favorite things about your fandom?
1) That they're really faithful to the pairings. Especially Tom and Lynette.
2) How over-the-top the comedy can be. See Gaby pushing Carlos out the window for a prime example.
3) That usually they don't drag the storylines on for too long. They don't outlive their interest. The exception, of course, are the mystery storylines which I ALWAYS think go on too long.
4) The little side characters. Bob and Lee and Karen are all fantastic. Martha Huber was amazing. Karl. I could go on.
5) The group scenes. These actors are fantastic and when they're all put in one scene together it's like gold.
12) What are your five least favorite things about your fandom?
1) The recent retconning of stuff. I hate where they've taken Bree in the past year.
2) Not enough focus on the four main characters. They keep squeezing in too many side plots and then they cut away from the main characters. And usually Gaby and Lynette get the shaft and they're my faves.
3) John Rowland. Enough said.
4) The disaster episodes. It was like they took a formula that worked once and pushed it past the realm of believability. The plane crash last year was atrocious.
5) They have a tendency to close storylines by killing someone off. Sometimes (not always) that seems like a cop-out.
13) Who are your five favorite characters?
1) Lynette
2) Tom
3) Lee
4) Gaby
5) Mary Alice
14) Who are your five least favorite characters?
1) Applewhites
2) Kayla
3) Rick
4) Ana
5) Julie
15) What are your five favorite pairings?
1) Tom/Lynette
2) Gaby/Carlos
3) Bree/Rex
4) Susan/Mike
5) Karl/Edie
16) What are your five least favorite pairings?
1) Edie/Carlos
2) Katherine/Mike
3) Susan/anyone but Mike or Karl
4) Gaby/Victor
5) Julie/Austin
17) Which character are you most like?
Hmm. Lynette in the whole has to be strong/control issues/too obsessed with work way, but I definitely have some of Susan's dippy, romantic side to me (without all the drama).
18) What is your deep, dark fandom secret?
I have every Tom and Lynette scene saved on my computer for easy access.
1) The first character I fell in love with:
I'd have to say Lynette. Mary Alice drew me in and hooked me in the first couple of seconds and, initially, I thought that Susan was going to be my favorite (oh, do not mock me...she was not nearly so annoying in the beginning), but Lynette was the first one I loved. It was that moment when she broke down on the soccer field to Susan and Bree; I just knew I'd love her forever.
2) The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:
Carlos. He was such a jerk at the beginning and then they slowly melded him into a lovable jerk (last season's drama with Lynette aside).
3) The character everyone else loves that I don't:
Bree. I don't mind Bree, but everyone else loves her and I certainly don't. She's just too unrelenting and hypocritical for me to really feel a connection to.
4) The character I love that everyone else hates:
I'm not sure there is one for DH. I seem to be able to better tolerate Susan more than a lot of other people do, but I do not love her in any way, shape or form.
5) The character I would sex up or make out with anytime:
Uh, this one should be so obvious. Tom. Love him.
6) The character I'd want to be like:
Want to be like? Probably Karen McCluskey once I'm a little old lady. I want to be feisty like that.
7) The character I'd slap:
Mike. Because he is a douche.
8) A pairing that I love:
Another obvious one: Tom and Lynette. Seriously, since the moment they danced together in the living room in "Pretty Little Picture" I have been in love with them. They top the charts of my all-time faves.
9) A pairing that I despise:
Edie and Carlos. She turned into a such a mess around him and I never understood why. Edie just always seemed so above and beyond that, so I never liked that she became this pathetic sob story around him. Plus it was SO obvious that Carlos and Gaby were going to end up back together, so it was a waste of time.
10) Favorite character:
Lynette. Obviously.
11) What are your five favorite things about your fandom?
1) That they're really faithful to the pairings. Especially Tom and Lynette.
2) How over-the-top the comedy can be. See Gaby pushing Carlos out the window for a prime example.
3) That usually they don't drag the storylines on for too long. They don't outlive their interest. The exception, of course, are the mystery storylines which I ALWAYS think go on too long.
4) The little side characters. Bob and Lee and Karen are all fantastic. Martha Huber was amazing. Karl. I could go on.
5) The group scenes. These actors are fantastic and when they're all put in one scene together it's like gold.
12) What are your five least favorite things about your fandom?
1) The recent retconning of stuff. I hate where they've taken Bree in the past year.
2) Not enough focus on the four main characters. They keep squeezing in too many side plots and then they cut away from the main characters. And usually Gaby and Lynette get the shaft and they're my faves.
3) John Rowland. Enough said.
4) The disaster episodes. It was like they took a formula that worked once and pushed it past the realm of believability. The plane crash last year was atrocious.
5) They have a tendency to close storylines by killing someone off. Sometimes (not always) that seems like a cop-out.
13) Who are your five favorite characters?
1) Lynette
2) Tom
3) Lee
4) Gaby
5) Mary Alice
14) Who are your five least favorite characters?
1) Applewhites
2) Kayla
3) Rick
4) Ana
5) Julie
15) What are your five favorite pairings?
1) Tom/Lynette
2) Gaby/Carlos
3) Bree/Rex
4) Susan/Mike
5) Karl/Edie
16) What are your five least favorite pairings?
1) Edie/Carlos
2) Katherine/Mike
3) Susan/anyone but Mike or Karl
4) Gaby/Victor
5) Julie/Austin
17) Which character are you most like?
Hmm. Lynette in the whole has to be strong/control issues/too obsessed with work way, but I definitely have some of Susan's dippy, romantic side to me (without all the drama).
18) What is your deep, dark fandom secret?
I have every Tom and Lynette scene saved on my computer for easy access.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wish List
My Wish List for Season Seven of Desperate Housewives
1) Concentrate on the Main Characters
I've said it before and I'll say it again: four main characters are more than enough. One of my biggest problems with this show in seasons 2, 4, 5 and 6 is that the time was spread too thin between Bree, Lynette, Gaby and Susan. I watch this show for the main four and everyone else should be there to support and elevate their plotlines. With the addition of Paul Young and his wife, I'm afraid this is going to be another season where too much time is relocated to other characters.
My greatest hope is that they'll use Williams much like they used Nicollette Sheridan in season 1; not as a main character, but as a character foil. I'm fine with her coming in to add some spice to the show, but that doesn't mean I want the show to become all about her.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 100 to 1. Have you seen the way they've been promoting the new season?
2) A Big Change for Bree's Character
I've spent more time disliking Bree than liking her in the past 2 seasons. She's become too hypocritical and too self-righteous. Even worse, her storylines have been downright laughable. Not only do they keep retconning things (that Rex has a secret son story was idiotic), but they're doing it for plots that are stupid and pointless. I can't think of one storyline Bree has had in recent history that has actually gone anywhere. I really want to care about Bree again. Please, show, let me care about her.
By the way, this does not mean she just needs a new man. Orson was not the problem.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 50 to 1. I think that by finally dissolving Bree and Orson's marriage, the writers have realized they've boxed Bree into a corner and need to do something to change it. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll succeed, particularly if Bree is mean to be Susan redux.
3) Mike Stops Being a Douche
It's hard enough to like Susan, but usually when she and Mike are together it's a little easier. Except when Mike acts like such an asshole that it's impossible for the viewer to understand what Susan sees in him. So please, make Mike somewhat likable again.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 10000 to 1. Their money problems weren't resolved last year and if MJ really is the victim of baby switching then I can totally see Mike acting like an ass about it. Especially if it turns out that MJ was switched with Evan Mayer.
4) Do Not Give Tom Another Mid-Life Crisis
Yes, DH writers, at times it is humorous that Tom is "whipped." However, I do not want to watch him whine and sulk and do stupid things because of it. It's become repetitive and dull and I don't care anymore.
Remember back in the first two seasons (before the horror that was season three) when Tom was just a little clueless, but fairly confident and definitely competent? Yeah, that's the Tom I would like back. Stop making him so wishy-washy about what he wants to do with his life and have him man up a little. Please.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100 to 1. I'm afraid that Lynette will go back to her job, and Tom will be at home with the baby and depressed. But I'll hold out a little hope that they'll move past it quickly and give Tom a purpose again.
5) Gaby Becomes Likable Again
I don't know what they did last year to make Gaby so unlikable, but they need to correct that quickly. Yes, Gaby is shallow and greedy and selfish, and those things make her funny. However, there used to be something to balance that; there was more substance to her character. And, by the way, letting her have a brief moment of regret or sadness that explains away her obnoxious behavior only for her to be back to the exact same shenanigans the next episode does not make her likable.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They seemed to be trying to get Gaby's character back to normal by the end of last season. Plus with the truth about her mother-in-law's death coming out, Gaby has the potential to be more interesting.
6) No More Segmented Episodes
Splitting the episode into four or five distinct stories has only had about a 50-50 success rate. Last season "Lovely" was hilarious; "If" was atrocious. But no matter if it works or not, that format has become stale and overdone. Please give the audience a break this season.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 10000 to 1. They've done 5 of these episodes in the past 2 years. I think they're addicted.
7) No More Arbitrary Deaths
Killing people off for shock value turns out to be not so shocking if you do it every year. Especially when you kill off characters like Karl. What was the point of that? What? Martha Huber's death was a surprise and it served a purpose. Norah's death was startling and served a purpose. If you have a reason for doing it, then go right ahead, show. But stop killing them off because you think it will up the ratings. It just pisses people off.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 50 to 1. I already heard they're planning a death for this season. I give them a 50-50 chance that it'll be for a legitimate reason.
8) More Group Scenes
This ensemble cast is fantastic in pairs--as that's how the plots are generally broken up--but they're also fabulous in a larger group. Not only do I want more scenes between the girls, but I want another awkward party with the majority of the neighborhood present. "The Game" and "Pretty Little Picture" are two of the funniest episodes of this show. I'd love to see something like that again this season.
Likelihood that I"ll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. I've read that they're trying to get back to their roots this season and this is one of the key things people have been asking for. I'm going to put my faith in them on this one.
9) No More Illegitimate Children
I do not want to see Carlos' long lost conjoined twins show up this season to cause havoc in his and Gaby's lives. Do not go there, show. You've already overdone it.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. Carlos is the only one left who hasn't had a mystery kid show up. Somehow I doubt that after his niece debacle last season that they'll try to add another kid to his and Gaby's life.
10) Do Not Retcon Lynette's Character
Vanessa Williams' character is connected to Lynette which of course means that there will be scoop on Lynette's past. I'm fine with this, show. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. But please do not screw it up be rewriting her entire history. Consistency is a sign of good writing, so prove that you can step up to the plate. Lately you've been hit or miss with this.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They get lazy sometimes, but mostly they stay on top of things.
Bonus: Keep the Kids' Ages Consistent!!!
If you keep going the way you are, Juanita is going to be older than Penny. Who, by the way, should be 14 this year. Get with the program, writers.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100000000 to 1. Do I even have to explain why?
1) Concentrate on the Main Characters
I've said it before and I'll say it again: four main characters are more than enough. One of my biggest problems with this show in seasons 2, 4, 5 and 6 is that the time was spread too thin between Bree, Lynette, Gaby and Susan. I watch this show for the main four and everyone else should be there to support and elevate their plotlines. With the addition of Paul Young and his wife, I'm afraid this is going to be another season where too much time is relocated to other characters.
My greatest hope is that they'll use Williams much like they used Nicollette Sheridan in season 1; not as a main character, but as a character foil. I'm fine with her coming in to add some spice to the show, but that doesn't mean I want the show to become all about her.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 100 to 1. Have you seen the way they've been promoting the new season?
2) A Big Change for Bree's Character
I've spent more time disliking Bree than liking her in the past 2 seasons. She's become too hypocritical and too self-righteous. Even worse, her storylines have been downright laughable. Not only do they keep retconning things (that Rex has a secret son story was idiotic), but they're doing it for plots that are stupid and pointless. I can't think of one storyline Bree has had in recent history that has actually gone anywhere. I really want to care about Bree again. Please, show, let me care about her.
By the way, this does not mean she just needs a new man. Orson was not the problem.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 50 to 1. I think that by finally dissolving Bree and Orson's marriage, the writers have realized they've boxed Bree into a corner and need to do something to change it. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll succeed, particularly if Bree is mean to be Susan redux.
3) Mike Stops Being a Douche
It's hard enough to like Susan, but usually when she and Mike are together it's a little easier. Except when Mike acts like such an asshole that it's impossible for the viewer to understand what Susan sees in him. So please, make Mike somewhat likable again.
Likelihood that I'll get my wish: 10000 to 1. Their money problems weren't resolved last year and if MJ really is the victim of baby switching then I can totally see Mike acting like an ass about it. Especially if it turns out that MJ was switched with Evan Mayer.
4) Do Not Give Tom Another Mid-Life Crisis
Yes, DH writers, at times it is humorous that Tom is "whipped." However, I do not want to watch him whine and sulk and do stupid things because of it. It's become repetitive and dull and I don't care anymore.
Remember back in the first two seasons (before the horror that was season three) when Tom was just a little clueless, but fairly confident and definitely competent? Yeah, that's the Tom I would like back. Stop making him so wishy-washy about what he wants to do with his life and have him man up a little. Please.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100 to 1. I'm afraid that Lynette will go back to her job, and Tom will be at home with the baby and depressed. But I'll hold out a little hope that they'll move past it quickly and give Tom a purpose again.
5) Gaby Becomes Likable Again
I don't know what they did last year to make Gaby so unlikable, but they need to correct that quickly. Yes, Gaby is shallow and greedy and selfish, and those things make her funny. However, there used to be something to balance that; there was more substance to her character. And, by the way, letting her have a brief moment of regret or sadness that explains away her obnoxious behavior only for her to be back to the exact same shenanigans the next episode does not make her likable.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They seemed to be trying to get Gaby's character back to normal by the end of last season. Plus with the truth about her mother-in-law's death coming out, Gaby has the potential to be more interesting.
6) No More Segmented Episodes
Splitting the episode into four or five distinct stories has only had about a 50-50 success rate. Last season "Lovely" was hilarious; "If" was atrocious. But no matter if it works or not, that format has become stale and overdone. Please give the audience a break this season.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 10000 to 1. They've done 5 of these episodes in the past 2 years. I think they're addicted.
7) No More Arbitrary Deaths
Killing people off for shock value turns out to be not so shocking if you do it every year. Especially when you kill off characters like Karl. What was the point of that? What? Martha Huber's death was a surprise and it served a purpose. Norah's death was startling and served a purpose. If you have a reason for doing it, then go right ahead, show. But stop killing them off because you think it will up the ratings. It just pisses people off.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 50 to 1. I already heard they're planning a death for this season. I give them a 50-50 chance that it'll be for a legitimate reason.
8) More Group Scenes
This ensemble cast is fantastic in pairs--as that's how the plots are generally broken up--but they're also fabulous in a larger group. Not only do I want more scenes between the girls, but I want another awkward party with the majority of the neighborhood present. "The Game" and "Pretty Little Picture" are two of the funniest episodes of this show. I'd love to see something like that again this season.
Likelihood that I"ll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. I've read that they're trying to get back to their roots this season and this is one of the key things people have been asking for. I'm going to put my faith in them on this one.
9) No More Illegitimate Children
I do not want to see Carlos' long lost conjoined twins show up this season to cause havoc in his and Gaby's lives. Do not go there, show. You've already overdone it.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 2 to 1. Carlos is the only one left who hasn't had a mystery kid show up. Somehow I doubt that after his niece debacle last season that they'll try to add another kid to his and Gaby's life.
10) Do Not Retcon Lynette's Character
Vanessa Williams' character is connected to Lynette which of course means that there will be scoop on Lynette's past. I'm fine with this, show. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. But please do not screw it up be rewriting her entire history. Consistency is a sign of good writing, so prove that you can step up to the plate. Lately you've been hit or miss with this.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 5 to 1. They get lazy sometimes, but mostly they stay on top of things.
Bonus: Keep the Kids' Ages Consistent!!!
If you keep going the way you are, Juanita is going to be older than Penny. Who, by the way, should be 14 this year. Get with the program, writers.
Likelihood that I'll Get My Wish: 100000000 to 1. Do I even have to explain why?
Friday, September 3, 2010
How strange...
This is...so oddly familiar. It's like something out of a dream...No...Wait...
It was 2008...Susan and Mike had broken up for the fiftieth time for God knows what reason...And wasn't there something about Susan sleeping with the dude she hired to paint her house after the divorce?...Yes, it's all coming back to me now!
For the record, I don't want to watch this plot again.
Oh, and can Bree be single for possibly more than 3 minutes? Thanks so much.
Monday, August 30, 2010
DH Promo
They finally (finally!!!) posted the new Desperate Housewives promo for season seven! I am ridiculously excited for this--as in after a truly blah day of working almost 10 hours I came home and did a little dance. It's just another sign that I'm this much closer to new episodes and new fanfic inspiration and new recaps! I absolutely cannot wait!
As far as the actual promo goes it's definitely one of my faves. In fact, it might be my favorite of all of the promos. I liked that it included more characters than just the girls; I felt like the time was spread fairly evenly instead of being the Teri Hatcher show; and it was clever and just slightly over the top. Very cute. Plus Eva Longoria Parker and Felicity Huffman totally steal the sass show at the end which is awesome for about a hundred different reasons. I love it!
Here it is.
Enjoy!!
As far as the actual promo goes it's definitely one of my faves. In fact, it might be my favorite of all of the promos. I liked that it included more characters than just the girls; I felt like the time was spread fairly evenly instead of being the Teri Hatcher show; and it was clever and just slightly over the top. Very cute. Plus Eva Longoria Parker and Felicity Huffman totally steal the sass show at the end which is awesome for about a hundred different reasons. I love it!
Here it is.
Enjoy!!
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