DH recap: Epiphany

Season Six, Episode Twenty: "Epiphany"

This episode opens with a shot of a run-down house with an overgrown lawn. "There is a house in the town of Fairview," explains Mary Alice as the camera slowly pans to one of the windows in the house. "In this house there lives a monster. The kind who kills young women. You may ask how such a monster came to be. And that's a very good question, indeed." The blinds open and Eddie is revealed; he stares blankly out the window before the shot cuts inside his house.

Eddie's mother lies on the couch and complains to Eddie that she's out of Scotch. Eddie offers to buy her more while he's out, but that's not good enough for her because she wants it now. In fact, she thinks Eddie has been stealing her booze and hiding it in his room. "Mom, stop being so paranoid. I don't even drink," snaps Eddie. His voice softens as he explains that he has to go help Lynette fix her car, but his mother doesn't care.

Eddie walks outside as Mary Alice begins to elaborate. "His name was Eddie," she says. Instead of following Eddie on his adventure to the Scavos', the camera goes back to his mother. "Everyone thought he was harmless. Until the day his mother went into his room." Eddie's mom impressively kicks open his door and begins to root around the room in search of her lost alcohol; Mary Alice explains, "She was just looking for a bottle of Scotch, but found the truth instead." Beneath Eddie's mattress is his odd scrapbook on the Fairview strangler attacks and his mother looks through it curiously. "Soon everyone in town would be asking, 'How could such a monster come to be?' Sadly, the answer would satisfy no one." So clearly Mary Alice feels the need for a disclaimer on this episode; that can't foreshadow anything good.

Wee little credits.

Speaking of Mary Alice, she's alive and well in this flashback! In fact, she's running right down the street! In voiceover, she tells the audience, "I met Eddie on a Monday. He had just turned four." Mary Alice stops in front of Eddie's house--which is impeccably kept at this point--and pants heavily. Eddie sits on the lawn playing and Mary Alice warns him to take up jogging now instead of waiting until he's old and worn down like she is. Unsurprisingly, young Eddie doesn't take her too seriously, although that may be because of the sounds of his parents having an epic fight inside the house. Mary Alice looks up, concerned, and asks Eddie what's going on inside. Just then the door opens and Eddie's father comes outside followed by his mother, Barbara; she's young and pretty, not haggard like she is in the present day.

While she's apologizing profusely, Eddie's father says it doesn't matter because he never wanted "any of this" and that includes Eddie. Mary Alice is heartbroken and appalled, and she butts in, yelling, "Excuse me! Is this your child?" She lectures the parents about speaking that way in front of Eddie; they don't care and Eddie's father gets in his car and drives away. As Barbara doubles over in grief, Mary Alice comforts poor little Eddie until his mother beckons him to her side. Eddie runs over to her obediently.

Night. It's unclear whether this is the same day or a few days later, but Mary Alice stands on Barbara's doorstep with a pot of macaroni and cheese. She tells Barbara that she just wanted to check in and see how they're doing. Barbara hesitates until Mary Alice offers to let her bitch about her husband. "I promise," she says, "I won't defend him." What the hell would there be to defend? Barbara acquiesces and let's Mary Alice inside.

Sometime later, Eddie sits on the couch eating dinner and watching cartoons while the women are eating at a table nearby. Mary Alice compliments Eddie's looks. Barbara: "He looks just like his father. Such a shame." The conversation turns to Eddie's father, who Barbara claims is gone for good this time. Apparently, Barbara has no one else to turn to and has to raise Eddie on her own now. "I have this great group of friends over on Wisteria Lane," says Mary Alice. "We've helped each other get through all sorts of problems." Wow, Mary Alice, that line is so after-school-special of you. Barbara claims she's never been good at making girl friends (maybe she should have hooked up with Edie) and that now that she's thirty-five and a single mom, she won't have too many boyfriends either. "Oh don't be ridiculous," says Mary Alice. "Women in your situation find love. You just have to look for it." Okay, it's official; Mary Alice is the last person I'd call to come comfort me. She's just so...full of platitudes.

Mary Alice says she has to leave and offers to stop by again the following week. Barbara says that isn't necessary, not realizing that Mary Alice isn't going to take no for an answer. "He's going to be a real heart breaker someday," Mary Alice says of Eddie as she departs. "Just like his father," Barbara mutters under her breath.

The following week, I presume, Mary Alice shows up like clockwork at Eddie's house, this time with a big teddy bear. She rings the doorbell, but when no one answers she starts to walk away. Suddenly she catches a glimpse of Eddie through the window and greets him excitedly. "I'm not supposed to open the door," explains Eddie. Mary Alice: "Well tell your mom I'm here and she can open it." Eddie: "She's not here." "Oh, well, tell your babysitter then," says Mary Alice. Eddie looks away nervously and Mary Alice slowly realizes that Eddie doesn't have a babysitter either; he's home alone. Angry, Mary Alice asks Eddie where his mom is.

Cut to a bar, where Barbara is dolled up and flirting with a skeezy looking fellow. Mary Alice storms in, and Barbara waves her over. Judging by how happy she is to see Mary Alice, I'd say she's drunk. Barbara's man, Ron, offers to by Mary Alice a drink and she declines, turning to Barbara and ordering her to leave. Ron tries to protest, but Mary Alice tells him to shut up. Heh. Mary Alice explains that she has Eddie in the car and when Ron finds out that Barbara has a kid, he dumps her right then and there. That's the kind of stand-up guy she's attracting in this dive. "Now look at what you've done!" snaps Barbara to Mary Alice, who replies that she came close to calling social services. I'm actually kind of surprised that she didn't. Let's be honest here: this is a woman who gladly took a baby away from his drug addicted mother to keep him safe. And then murdered her to keep him. I can't see her being the type to just let kids stay in dangerous environments like this. In fact, why doesn't she just kidnap this baby too and raise him herself? Mary Alice drags Barbara from the bar.

Back at Eddie's house, Mary Alice gives Barbara some coffee to sober her up. Barbara explains that she knew she shouldn't have gone out, but that she was desperate to get a few hours to herself. "He's four-years-old, Barbara. What if he had gotten sick? What if he had hurt himself?" demands Mary Alice. Barbara says that she knows and that it was stupid. "You've got to promise me that you will never do something like this again," says Mary Alice. Barbara promises, but then adds, "It's just...I really need a man." Oh, well then. Mary Alice apparently doesn't hear the crazy in this announcement and says she has to go; Barbara gives her a hug and lies that everything is good now. "I want you to be happy, Barbara, I do," says Mary Alice as she's departing. "It's just being a mother means always putting his needs ahead of yours." You mean like not killing yourself because you're scared/desperate/guilty? Like that, Mary Alice? She doesn't pop in to narrate on this irony and flashback Mary Alice leaves the house.

Barbara walks over to Eddie and gives him a hug. "Oh Eddie," she says, "It's not your fault you ruined my life." Wow. Mother of the year right here, folks.

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Okay. Before this next section starts, I'd just like to remind everyone of this little scene from season two's episode "Remember."







Okay. Keep that in mind as I go through this next part. It will be self-explanatory why this grated on my last nerve.

Gaby sits in the middle of her bedroom, but the room is completely empty. There's not a stick of furniture, not one picture on the wall. "Gabrielle met Eddie on a Tuesday," explains Mary Alice. "The day she moved into the neighborhood." Looking glum, Gaby calls Carlos on her cell phone and announces she's bored. Apparently Carlos is at work and she's stuck waiting for the moving van. In addition to being bored, Gaby also bitches about the town and her new neighbors, who already brought her food. Carlos doesn't want to listen to this nonsense any more than I do, and he tells Gaby he's going into a meeting and can't talk. Angrily, Gaby hangs up and pouts.

Suddenly Gaby hears some odd clanking noises coming from the bathroom. Quietly, she sneaks into the room and finds Eddie, now aged nine, playing in her bathtub. "Who the hell are you?" she asks. Eddie promptly introduces himself and explains that he's been sneaking in the window to play in the empty house ever since the old neighbors moved out. He wants to know if he can keep doing this, but of course Gaby says no and kicks him out. "Did you know you're really beautiful?" asks Eddie before he leaves. In what is no surprise to anyone on this entire planet, Gaby is won over by this statement and when Eddie offers to stay and help her unpack she agrees.

Cut to several days later. The house is now unpacked and Eddie is painting Gaby's toenails. That is wrong and creepy on so many levels. The doorbell rings and Eddie jumps up to answer it, but Gaby tackles him to the ground. "Shh! Keep your voice down!" she orders. "It might be one of those Stepford wives with another welcome to the neighborhood cake. I mean really, does it look like I eat cake?" Oh Gaby, how much you miss. Eddie points out that some of the women in the neighborhood are nice, like the "red-haired lady" who makes her own Halloween candy. "You mean the one whose parents named her after cheese? No thank you," snarks Gaby. "I like my robots a little more life-like. Though she's not as bad as that blond chick whose always yelling at her kids. There are people on fire who are not as loud as she is. I thought maybe for a second that Susan Mayer lady and I could be friends. Then she started talking." Hehehe.

Gaby decides whoever was at the door probably left, and she and Eddie stand up. Gaby tells Eddie they can watch television after he finishes unpacking the boxes in the kitchen, but Eddie says he finished that already. "Oh my God," says Gaby. "If you can sew I am locking you in my basement and you are staying here forever." Eddie: "Cool!" Gaby explains that she was joking and finally kind of realizes that maybe it's odd that Eddie's been hanging out with her for a week. She says she should probably call Eddie's mom, but Eddie says that she has a boyfriend over and needs her alone time. For some reason, Gaby accepts this point-blank and offers to have Eddie stay for dinner; but, of course, he's cooking--reheated soup. "Well that's more than I can do," says Gaby.

On another day, Gaby's doing the dishes and complaining to Yao Lin on the phone because Yao Lin called in sick. As Gaby gets louder and more demanding, Yao Lin simply hangs up. Ah, I miss Yao Lin sometimes. Gaby doesn't have the chance to get mad because Carlos suddenly comes through the door. He's home for some mid-afternoon sex and Gaby is more than happy to comply.

Later, Gaby and Carlos are post-coital in a bubble bath discussing where to do it next. Gaby suggests the guest bedroom, but Carlos doesn't have time. He has to get back to work and he says they only have five more minutes. Gaby: "Well don't just sit there. Fondle something!" Carlos leans in to kiss her shoulder, but suddenly catches sight of something and yells, "What the hell?! Who are you?!" Gaby shrieks at the sight of Eddie, who stands in the doorway watching her and Carlos. "Do you know this kid?" asks Carlos as Gaby tries to cover herself with a towel.

"I knocked," says Eddie matter-of-factly. "No one answered. So I came through the window." Carlos' face is so funny; he is clearly aghast at this entire situation. "We're naked! Get out!" he orders. "She told me I could come over. Who's this guy?" sasses Eddie. Carlos' eyes almost bug out of his head as Gaby explains that he's her husband and screams at him to get out. Eddie runs away.

A few minutes later, Carlos is dressed again and lecturing Gaby about spending her days with a small child. "He's lonely! I'm lonely!" argues Gaby. Carlos rightly points out that there are a lot of women on the street that she could be friends with. "Well they're all so weird," says Gaby. Carlos: "Gaby, your best friend is a nine-year-old boy. That's weird." Haha! Gaby argues that Eddie has no one in his life to look out for him, even his mother, and she thinks she should go over and say something to her. Carlos orders her to stay out of it (stupid Carlos!) and says that she needs to go out and make a life for herself.

After Carlos leaves, Gaby comes outside to talk to Eddie; he's standing there whipping her bushes with a stick. "Look, Eddie," she says, "I'm sorry Carlos yelled at you. It's just that we were cleaning the tub." Eddie turns to her, incredulous. "I know what sex is! I'm not stupid!" he tells her. Gaby agrees that he's not stupid, which is why Eddie should know better than to break into people's houses. At this point, Eddie gets a bit sassy with Gaby, but she ignores him and gives him a bittersweet speech about how they can't hang out anymore. She says they both need to make friends their own ages. Eddie's response: "You know, you're not so pretty!" And Gaby, honest to God, gasps. Eddie runs away.

Back at Eddie's house, his mom lies on the couch having sex with some guy. Eddie walks in and watches them for a moment before grabbing a BB gun and heading out to the back yard. There he aims the gun at some birds on the roof.

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"Bree hired Eddie to help out on a Wednesday," recalls Mary Alice when the show returns. Eddie appears to be painting some part of her house. "And she helped him in return." Bree approaches Eddie and pays him for his work for the day; they agree that he'll come back at the same time tomorrow. He refers to her as Mrs. Hodge, so this must take place some time during or after season three. Eddie tries to return some of her money, claiming she paid him too much, but Bree tells him to keep it and spend it on his girlfriend.

"I don't have a girlfriend," says Eddie, handing some of the money back to Bree. She brushes past this, saying he's still young, but Eddie says it wouldn't matter how old he is because girls don't pay attention to him. "Well did it ever occur to you that they might be waiting for you to notice them?" asks Bree. Eddie is skeptical, but admits that there's a girl he likes at school. Immediately, Bree launches into dating tips: compliment her eyes; bring her flowers; buy her nice jewelry. Eddie soaks all this up like a sponge. He's so sad and eager that it breaks my heart to look at him.

Over at Eddie's house, Barbara is outside watering the lawn when Bree approaches. I don't know why Barbara's bothering with the lawn because it's nothing but an overgrown mess of weeds. Bree introduces herself and Barbara skeptically asks if Bree's the one who has sex with her gardeners. "Oh goodness no," says Bree. "That's...someone else." Bree asks to speak to Eddie, but Barbara says he's not there. In that case, Bree needs Barbara's help.

Cut to inside, where Barbara's drinking and Bree's explaining how she gave Eddie some helpful hints about girls. "What I didn't realize is that the object of his affection is my daughter Danielle," explains Bree. Oh, poor, stupid Eddie. I guess this bumps the timeline back to before Danielle was pregnant. Didn't Bree have more pressing matters to deal with then? Like Orson's crazy ex-wife and murderous mother?

Bree goes on to tell Barbara about how Eddie has been trying to woo Danielle, including leaving a small bracelet in their mailbox. Barbara scoffs and calls Eddie cheap when she sees the bracelet. Clearly feeling awkward, Bree rushes on to explain that Danielle doesn't return Eddie's affections. Barbara cuts her off, saying she gets it, Danielle is out of Eddie's league. Bree tries to protest, but Barbara says she'll talk to Eddie.

Just then, Eddie comes into the house. "What's going on?" he asks. Barbara: "This lady says you've been stalking her daughter." Bree is horrified and immediately denies this. "You just said he's harassing some girl he has no chance with," says Barbara. "What the hell else do you call that?" Eddie turns to Bree, hurt, and says, "I was trying to woo her." Heartbreakingly and maddeningly, Barbara starts to laugh in Eddie's face, openly mocking him. Bree snaps at Barbara to stop mocking Eddie, but Barbara says she's just thrilled because she thought the only girl Eddie would ever get would be blind, deaf or inflatable. Eddie quietly begs her not to laugh at him, but Barbara ignores him. Barbara promises Bree that she'll make sure Eddie stops hassling Danielle and Bree quietly leaves.

A few days later, Eddie is back at Bree's to finish his painting job. Bree stupidly tells Eddie that she wishes he had told her about Danielle. Eddie agrees, sarcastically saying that then Bree could have been the one to tell him Danielle was out of his league. Bree says she wouldn't have done that and she wouldn't have laughed at hm either. "The only thing I see when I look at you is a nice young man who isn't treated as well as he should be," says Bree. Eddie, almost crying, says he won't be talking to Danielle any more; he's been forbidden. Bree lies that Danielle would be happy to talk to him as a friend. "I don't want a friend!" says Eddie, openly crying. "I want someone to love me!" Okay, and this is officially the most depressing episode ever. Bree tells Eddie that there is someone out there for him and that he just has to be patient. "There are girls out there who will say yes to you," she tells him.

Cut to Eddie in a dark, creepy street, paying a prostitute. Oh, Eddie. The hooker starts to lead him to an alley so they can have sex, but Eddie stops at his car first to pull out a bouquet of flowers. Eddie might be the most pathetic character ever on this show and I would give him a pity hug if I didn't fear he would take it the wrong way and choke me to death. The whore starts laughing at him; Eddie asks her to stop, but she can't. At this moment, Eddie finally snaps and the next shot is of the hooker dropping dead on the ground.

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Susan stands in The Coffee Cup looking bored, and Mary Alice says, "Susan first noticed Eddie as the boy who sold her coffee." Really? She didn't know him from around the neighborhood or, let's say, Julie, who was just a year behind Danielle? Then again, this is Susan. Continue. "Then one Thursday, she noticed something more." Eddie is drawing a picture on the counter as Susan approaches and she compliments his a talent as an artist. Eddie quickly waves her off, saying he's just goofing around and asks Susan what he can get her. But no, Susan insists on seeing the picture, so she grabs it. It's a good likeness of the girl who sits nearby and Susan is obviously impressed. "My mom thinks I'm wasting my time," says Eddie. "She says there's lots of people way better than me." Susan disagrees, and tells Eddie to tell his mom that she says he has huge potential. Then, out of the blue, Susan offers to help him work on his technique. Grateful, Eddie offers Susan any drink she wants on the house.

Susan orders a latte and Eddie casually comments that "her husband" was in there earlier and ordered the same drink. It's now that we learn that this takes place after the divorce and, in fact, is far enough into the divorce that Mike's already dating Katherine. "Well if it makes you feel any better I'm sure lots of people would like to date you," says Eddie. "You have huge potential too." Somehow that doesn't ease Susan's pain.

Cut to another day. Susan examines a new work of Eddie's and as she praises it, it's clear that Eddie is enamored with her. Unaware of this, Susan tells Eddie she has a surprise for him: she signed him up for a two week seminar at the art institute. "This is like the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me," says Eddie truthfully, but he can't go. He says his mother would never let him. Susan says he has to go because he has a gift. Suddenly she spies Mike out the window, raking Katherine's lawn. "Listen to me. When you love something that much, you can't just let it go," she says. "That kind of love is the one thing that keeps us going whether it makes sense to anyone else or not." It's clear to everyone in the world but Eddie, that Susan is speaking on a second level about her and Mike. She gives Eddie a hug and judging by Eddie's face, he takes it entirely the wrong way.

Cut to a few weeks...months?...later. Eddie shows up at Susan's again with his portfolio of artwork. Susan yells for him to come in, and Eddie does, shouting to her excitedly about how amazing the art classes were. His joy is short-lived when Susan rushes down the stairs in her wedding dress. Susan announces that she's marrying Mike again, but Eddie doesn't understand since he "made [her] so unhappy." In typical Susan fashion, she recaps the whole Dave kidnapping scenario from last year's season finale and ends her story by saying that once Mike rescued her they fell "back in love." "This doesn't make any sense," says Eddie, not realizing that Susan forgot to add in the part about how they never actually fell out of love.

Susan crosses the kitchen and spies the eclairs Eddie brought, commanding him to take them away so she doesn't mess up her dress. "I can't believe in two hours I'll be marrying Mike and promising him I'll be with him forever," says Susan. "For the second time. Ooh, I have zero credibility." HA! That might be one of my favorite Susan lines ever, if only because it shows some level of self-awareness. Eddie tells Susan not to marry Mike, and Susan says, "Oh Eddie, I booked the church, I bought the dress. I have to marry somebody." Wow, that awareness was short-lived. "You could marry me!" Eddie exclaims, crying. Susan totally does not get it, even a little bit, and laughs, thinking Eddie is just joking around. She even thanks him for giving her a good laugh and kisses his cheek. Wow, I'm surprised he didn't kill her right then. Susan invites him to the wedding, grabs the eclairs and runs back upstairs to finish getting ready. Eddie opens his portfolio, takes out a drawing of Susan, and rips it in two.

Cut to Susan and Mike's wedding where they've just been announced man and wife. Everyone stands up and applauds except for Eddie, who sits in the last pew, shifting the shards of his drawing in his hands. Later that night, still holding the drawing, he skulks down Wisteria Lane to Susan's house. He spies Julie in the window and she comes outside to take out her trash, but from Eddie's angle it's impossible to tell that it's Julie. It could very well be Susan, which is what Eddie thinks. Overcome, he rushes to her and begins to choke her. Just as he's about to snuff out her life, Eddie gets a clear look at the woman he's strangling and realizes his mistake. He drops Julie to the ground and runs away.

In the hospital, Eddie sits by Julie's prone form holding a bouquet of flowers when Susan enters the room. She thanks Eddie for coming and then says she can't believe what happened. "I keep asking myself, how can there be this kind of evil in the world?" she continues. "What kind of monster would do this to her?" Poor Eddie (and who would have thought I'd type that phrase about a serial killer), looks on the verge of tears. "It wasn't a monster," he says. "A monster's big and strong. And this was done by some weak, insignificant piece of garbage who doesn't even deserve to be on this earth. Anyone who could do this to someone as sweet as Julie--and you--should just do everyone a favor and kill himself." Susan: "Anyone who did this is too cowardly for that." "You're right," Eddie realizes. Oh Eddie.

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Night. The Scavos are playing charades and Lynette "The Charades Ninja" Scavo is up. "It was during a Friday night game of charades that Lynette was clued in to the truth of Eddie's life," explains Mary Alice. A Friday night? And two of her three teenage sons are home playing charades with her and Tom and Penny? I'm amazed. Eddie, of course, is there too. Lynette makes signals for a three word movie, third word, and then gestures to herself. Tom: "You! You! Pregnant! Bloated! Swollen! Huge!" HA! "Lady, Tom. I'm a lady," she says as Parker chastises her for talking. "Better than hitting," says Lynette. Honestly, I'm quite impressed she restrained herself. Maybe because the children are there. Lynette starts gesturing again and Tom makes one guess after another that frustrates Lynette more and more (his last guess is "Tramp and the Lady." A little bit backwards there, Tom). Fortunately, Eddie is there to correctly jump in with "My Fair Lady" and save Tom from getting punched in the face.

The doorbell rings and Lynette calls out that she's coming, but it's slow going since she's pregnant, bloated, swollen and huge. And, actually, Felicity Huffman is doing a really good pregnant waddle for not really being pregnant. I'm impressed. Barbara is at the door and without pretense she barks out, "Where's my kid?" Lynette says that Eddie's inside and invites Barbara in; she says no, but then enters and yells at Eddie to come outside. Eddie instantly obeys, but Lynette and Tom also follow them outside.

Barbara demands to know why Eddie didn't answer her many calls. Tom says that it's probably their fault since charades was so zealous, but Barbara ignores him. She demands that Eddie come home. Poor Eddie tries to protest; Barbara doesn't care. "You should have thought of that before you hid my stuff!" she yells. At this point, Lynette tries to intervene, and Barbara snaps that Eddie hides her booze. "I know you hid it, you little bastard," she says, grabbing Eddie by the arm and giving him a good shove. Again, Lynette tries to butt in, but Eddie brushes her off. He offers to walk his mom home and they start down the street. Tom gives Lynette a wary look. It's obviously about what is occurring right now, but it also speaks volumes when put in the context of Lynette's own abusive, alcoholic mother. This is just such a poignant plot for their characters given Lynette's past.

"I don't think you should talk to your son that way," protests Lynette. Savagely, Barbara turns and hisses, "What do you care? Huh? What is he, your pet project? You feed him a little dinner, Lynette, and you let him play your stupid games so you can feel good about yourself? Yeah, I got your number." Lynette, for once in her life, is speechless, and can only watch as Barbara and Eddie hurry away.

Over at Eddie's house, the day that started this episode begins again, but this time we can see that Eddie is watching a mother and son out of his window. Then the scene calls back to Eddie and Barbara's conversation; if you'll recall, Eddie is heading over to the Scavos' to fix Lynette's car.

Cut to Lynette, who is outside watering her flowers when Eddie walks up and announces he's there to fix the car. Lynette thanks him and asks how things are at home. Eddie blanches and doesn't answer her question; he just asks where the tools are.

Back at Eddie's, Barbara breaks into his room.

Quick cut back to the Scavos', where Tom comes downstairs and greets Lynette, who sits at the kitchen table. Tom's looking for cake and finds a delicious looking one in the fridge that he pulls out and sits down at the table with to eat. It even has an Oreo on top. I want that cake. I will totally fight Tom for the last piece. Tom notices that Lynette's upset and asks what's up. "I keep thinking about last night," she says and Tom says he does too. "And I'm just so...livid," she continues. Tom: "Yep. Barbara is an infuriating woman." Lynette: "No. Tom, no. I am livid at us. The way she talked to Eddie and we did nothing." Tom points out that they can't force Barbara to be nice to her own kid. "That's what everybody always says," agrees Lynette. "But we all know the woman is a drunken nightmare. We complain about her, we gossip about her and then we watch her walk into that house where we know something bad is happening. But we do nothing!" Lynette's tea kettle starts to whistle and she gets up to attend to it, adding, "Well I'm tired of being one of the people who does nothing."

Tom mentions that Eddie's an adult and that he can leave whenever he wants. Tom has not yet touched that cake. He better look out; I am serious about fighting him for it. Oh, there's still a scene going on? Right. "He's probably so damaged he doesn't know how to leave," Lynette rightly observes. Tom gives a little sigh and rubs his hand over his face. "Where are you going with this?" he asks, though it's pretty clear that he knows.

Eddie returns home and finds his mother sitting on a chair with his scrapbook open on her lap. Eddie asks her what she's looking at and she says his scrapbook. "I don't understand, Eddie," she says as Eddie goes white. "There are all these newspaper articles in here about girls in Fairview who've been strangled or murdered. Why would you collect this stuff?" Rather calmly, Barbara stands and walks over to Eddie, asking him if he had anything to do with the attacks. Slowly, Eddie nods, and Barbara backs away from him in horror. "How could you do something like this?" she gasps. "I didn't raise you to be like this!" Eddie: "Didn't you?" Barbara is aghast that he would blame her, even though Eddie just tries to hand her a drink. Now fearing that Eddie is going to point the finger at her, she grabs the phone to call the police. "I always said the worst mistake I ever made was having you!" she snarls. Finally, Eddie snaps and bashes his mother over the head with the bottle of Scotch her brought her. Barbara gets up and attacks Eddie, who fights right back; the shot reveals the teddy bear Mary Alice brought Eddie all those years ago. It's a subtle but effective shot. Kudos to whoever directed this episode; he made some bold, interesting choices. Shown through the reflection off of a picture of young Eddie with his healthy mom, Eddie chokes his mother to death.

Freaking out, Eddie grabs his car keys and runs to the door only to find Lynette on the other side. "Mrs. Scavo! What are you doing here?" he asks. Lynette is all concerns since Eddie is obviously crying and trembling. Eddie says that he was just on his way out and Lynette says she'll make it brief. "Tom and I have been talking and we would like it if you move in with us," she says. I love Lynette so much for this even as I'm silently screaming at her not to bring a serial killer into her house. It's so horrifying and sweet at the same time; only this show could pull off that dichotomy. "I know it's a big change," says Lynette, "but you've gotta get out of here, Eddie. This isn't a healthy situation." "Yeah," agrees Eddie. "I guess it could be better."

Suddenly Lynette notices Barbara's prone form on the floor; all she can see is the back of her head and her arm. "Oh my God!" says Lynette as the music swells dramatically. "Is she passed out?" Eddie breathes a sigh of relief and says that she is. Lynette says this is exactly why he needs to get out of his house, so Eddie finally agrees to go with her. With a big smile, Lynette tells Eddie to pack up and come on over. She asks if he'd like help packing or for her to come back later to talk to his mother; Eddie declines both offers, surprise surprise. Lynette walks away and Eddie closes the door.

"There is a house in the town of Fairview," says Mary Alice. The camera cuts back inside to Eddie. "Inside this house lives a monster. The kind who kills women." Eddie drags his mother's body across the floor. "You may wonder how a monster like this came to be." In the bathroom, Eddie rips down the shower curtain and wraps his mother's body in it. "The answer is simple: monsters are created by other monsters." Eddie dumps his mother's body in the trunk of his car.



It is really hard for me to grade this episode this week. When I initially watched it, I had a viscerally negative reaction. The continuity really bothered me and I think that distracted me the entire time I watched it. However, the second time through I was able to look past some of that. The parts with Gaby moving in will never make sense, but I'm a little more accepting of Eddie's age. After all, I don't think they ever actually said that he is the same age as Danny and Porter and Preston, just that he hangs out with them. And as he is kind of a lonely soul, maybe it would make sense that he's spending time with guys five or six years younger than he is (although I don't quite get him and Porter and Danny all going to school together; that whole art institute plot sounded like his only post-high school education).

Overall the episode had some great drama and a few horrifying laughs. Mostly it was just really depressing which is an odd tone for this show. But I really liked the directing and the acting, so for that it gets some big points. I think on a stand-alone basis I'd grade it as a B+.

However, I would like to say a couple things in general about this show. First, this serial killer storyline is working a lot better than the main mystery of this season on every level. Putting the Scavos in the direct path of a crazy person is the best emotional drama I think this show has pulled out in a very long time. Probably since Orson's mom tried to kill Bree back in season three. The mysteries are much more interesting when the main characters are directly involved. Look at season five: the three high points of crazy Dave's story were the night club fire, Edie's death and kidnapping Susan and MJ, all of which had a direct connection to the main characters. The rest was rather lackluster. And the worst mysteries have been those involving the Applewhites and Katherine (and of course, the Bolens), which didn't directly involve any of the other women.

Second, I wish that this show would start doing one or two mini-mysteries per season instead of a big season-long arc. I think that part of the reason the mysteries become ineffective is because the build-up goes on for so long and then ends up boring and repetitive; by the time they get to the end no one cares any more. However, this strangler storyline (while it has covered the entirety of the season) might as well have been for half the season based on the number of episodes that focused on it. In that way, they've made it captivating without it being overdone. Again, I'd say that next to this the other really well done mystery story on this show was the Orson mystery of season three and that is in part due to the fact that it only lasted half of the season.

Third, I feel like they didn't need to devote an entire episode to Eddie's life. This show loves to finally do a big reveal of its mystery characters' pasts (every single season finale ends with a recap of how the mystery came to be--I guarantee that on May 16th we'll see flashbacks of Angie murdering that person/being caught in an explosion/whatever her deal is). But those moments are usually a couple of scenes, not an entire episode. Don't get me wrong, I think that the writers did a good job of fleshing Eddie out in this episode, but did they have to use an entire episode to do it? This episode was all about Eddie, not really about the girls at all, and I missed them this week. With the exceptions of Gaby and Lynette (who both had moments in which Eddie connected with their own problems/pasts), they were there only as props. I just feel like with only three episodes left, I was cheated a little. Maybe if this episode had been earlier I wouldn't feel the same, but this close to the end of the season it's a little disappointing.

All of that being said, though, I did enjoy this episode more than I initially thought. And I am really looking forward to the next three weeks. I have a feeling the end of this season is going to be great and I only hope that they keep up the momentum next season.

*Spoiler* Any guesses for which former regular will be back on May 16? I'm going with Zach Young. I read today that one of the couples will be selling their house in the season finale. I'd put my money on that being the Delfinos. Zach buying their house would just be ironic and kind of creepy. I can't wait to find out if I'm right.

DH recap: We All Deserve to Die

Season Six, Episode Nineteen: "We All Deserve to Die"

This episode begins with one of the great cliches of neighborhoods: borrowing a cup of sugar. Specifically, Lynette has asked Bree for one for some reason that is unknown and unimportant. The whole point is that Mary Alice can't stand not to have a theme. And here's this week's: good neighbors. Besides lending a cup of sugar, they also help you fix your car (Mike advising Nick), and find your lost pets (Parker returns MJ's turtle). You know, I swear Mary Alice did this same theme once last year. Oh yes. Here we go:





Well, well, well. The cat's out of the bag, Mary Alice. You've been slacking off. And you probably thought no one would catch on. I'm vaguely insulted that you so greatly underestimated my obsession. Still not changing your tune? Well then, by all means, continue to be repetitive!

"Good neighbors also come over at the slightest hint of trouble," Mary Alice goes on to say. The shot shifts to look through Bob and Lee's window; the pair is fighting vociferously and outside Gaby eavesdrops. Somehow I don't think that's what Mary Alice meant.

The fight ends when Lee walks away and Bob comes out to get the paper. He spots Gaby and quickly realizes that she was listening in. "God, it's like you see into my soul and yet you don't judge!" says Gaby, which I don't necessarily agree with because Bob seemed pretty annoyed. She follows him back inside and begs to know what the fight was about; for some reason Bob indulges her. "Our egg donor backed out," he says. "And the surrogate we hired will back out if the procedure isn't done in the next month." Lee pops out from the kitchen as Gaby asks if they can find another egg donor. "We could, if Lee wasn't so picky," Bob says, emphasizing the blame on Lee, who finally comes in the room. He's pissed off that Bob is spilling their secrets to Gaby, but admits that he is picky. "We spent two years to choosing a mattress. I'm not just going to get our child's DNA out of the yellow pages," he explains in typical Lee fashion. His and Bob's fight begins all over again, until finally Gaby can't take it any more, blurting out, "Why not take mine?" Oh this so won't end well.

Bob and Lee look incredulous at Gaby's offer, even as she explains that she has plenty of eggs and that she hates to see them so unhappy. At this point, Mary Alice takes over: "Good neighbors. They're people who try to help others." Bob and Lee embrace Gaby, delirious with gratitude. "Bad neighbors," Mary Alice continues, "are people who make promises they can't possibly keep."

Wee little credits. Has anyone else noticed that Brenda Strong does a voice-over in some commercial now? Every time I hear her voice I think of Mary Alice branching out into advertising from beyond the grave. Maybe that's why she doesn't have time to come up with new and interesting things to say.

Close up on a paper with a big picture of a girl I don't believe has ever been previously seen. The headline reads: "Teen Still Missing." Profound. "The morning paper said a young girl was missing," says Mary Alice as Tom, bathrobe clad and drinking coffee, picks up the paper. "It quoted her family who said she had vanished on her way to work." Cut to Bree entering her home while reading the paper (not the front page, where the story is, but the back page; continued on another page or Bree's complete disinterest? Your call). "It quoted her friends who said she wasn't the type to run away from home." Next the shot goes to Angie, who is eating breakfast while reading another page of the paper. I'm beginning to think Mary Alice is the only one who cares about this. "It quoted the police who said they had very little evidence to go on." Finally we go to Carlos, who is leaving his house and appears to be perusing the same part of the paper that Angie was. The other headline, by the way, is "Mathletes in Action Statewide." Heh. "Sadly, people didn't pay much attention to this bit of news." Ah, see, I knew it! Carlos tosses his paper in the recycling. If he's on his way to work already then Tom better get a move on. Finally the series ends with a pair of mysterious hands that are scrapbooking the article. It's right next to one on Julie's strangling from months and months ago. "No one thinks about evil until it shows up on their doorstep. Which it soon would." Totally already did, Mary Alice. Remember? Back when people cared about this plot? This arc should have climaxed in December instead of having that lame plane crash. Karl could have confronted the killer and still died, but nobly instead of super lamely and for no good reason.

Finally this episode starts to go somewhere, although I'm not sure it's anywhere good. Susan stands in her kitchen actually cooking...something...when she notices a strange man lurking around Mike's truck. He begins to jimmy the lock. "Oh my God, thief!" cries Susan, dumping her mystery breakfast and running outside with the frying pan. Immediately she begins to threaten the man, but he is completely calm and just assures her that he's only repossessing the truck. "Do I look stupid to you?" Susan asks--which, she's in weird matching pjs that my friend thought was a jumpsuit because they truly are skin-tight and look like a one piece and her boobs are popping out and she's wielding that frying pan, plus her face STILL isn't moving and it kind of looks bloated, so...I don't know, Susan. Loaded question. She starts screaming, "Fire! Fire!" "What the hell are you doing?" asks the man, and Susan explains that people come quicker when you yell fire. Especially to Susan's, where there have been two fires already and that intense barbecuing incident. Actually backing up Susan's claim, Tom and Angie run over to see what's wrong and she orders them to call 911 just as Mike comes outside. "What's going on?" he asks.

"This thief," Susan yells, "is trying to steal your truck!" Realizing that Mike owns the truck, the man asks, "Hey, are you the guy who's four months behind on his payments?" Mike reluctantly admits it and Susan turns to him in disbelief. Before she can comment or apologize or tell Tom and Angie not to call 911, Lee comes running down the street in a bathrobe, hair wrapped in a towel, brandishing a fire extinguisher. "Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!" he screams as he runs. Hehehe.

Back inside, Susan demands to know why Mike didn't tell her he was having money problems. But, he kind of did. "I was hoping business would pick up before anybody found out," he says. He sounds like he has a cold. There's some beeping outside and through the window a fire truck pulls away. Man, Tom and/or Angie move fast. "But I guess that's no longer an option." Oh, shut up, Mike. Susan reminds Mike that she offered to help (and I said it before and I'll say it again, why is their debt/money separated to being with?) and that she has both a steady paycheck and the strip club money. Mike refuses to take her money or her ex-husband's. Mike is a tool. "Are we done here?" he demands. "Sure," says Susan. "As long as you can explain how you're going to run a plumbing business without a truck." "I don't know. I'll figure it out!" snaps Mike; he walks away.

Bree and Sam walk into the test kitchen carrying a lot of papers and discussing the cover of Bree's new cookbook. It involves Bree in an evening gown, sitting on a bale of hay and ringing a dinner bell. Bree, if you can believe it, loves this idea. Andrew looks at them skeptically as they enter and calls them the dynamic duo. Heh. I love that phrase. He asks them how their business meeting went and Bree raves about how much the publisher loved the idea of a southern themed cookbook. Sam pitches the hook, which is long and wordy and of which I'm sure neither Scavo would approve, and Andrew lies that it's catchy. "I guess you know all about marketing, having an MBA and all," Andrew says, obviously spinning a web. Sam agrees and Andrew lowers the boon--Sam doesn't have an MBA. Dun dun dun! He couldn't come up with better dirt than this? Sam admits that it's true and goes on to tell a sob story about how he had to drop out during his final semester to take care of his dying mother. Boo hoo. Bree is touched; Andrew is ashamed. "The university let me graduate with my class. I should finish my coursework next month," Sam goes on to explain. Well that sounds like a load of crap. How long ago was this anyway? Sam apologizes for misrepresenting himself to Bree, but of course she's only sympathetic. Bree is just one horrible judge of character, isn't she?

You know who's not a bad judge of character? That's right: Lynette. She's in a bridal shop, half-asleep, listening to Irina and a saleswoman argue in Russian over a wedding dress. "This woman is incompetent. Why you bring me here?" demands Irina, rude as usual. "Hey, you're the one who had to come to a Russian bridal shop," says Lynette. Really? How long did it take to find something that specific in Fairview? As she returns to the fitting room, Irina declares that it was a mistake, but Lynette, always an optimist points out, "Look how much fun you're having chewing people out in your native tongue." Heh. Lynette goes over to the saleswoman and quietly apologizes to her for Irina's behavior. The second the saleswoman expresses some sympathy, Lynette launches into her recap of her dread of the upcoming nuptials. I feel bad for Lynette and I understand her need to vent, but we've heard this same speech too many times in the past couple episodes and this won't be the last time tonight either. If you don't have something new to say, writers, then you need to move on. The saleswoman offers to poke Irina with the pins while she's fitting her if that will make Lynette feel better. Unsurprisingly, the offer does help.

Irina's phone starts to ring, but when Lynette offers it to her, Irina simply orders her to tell Preston she'll be home soon. But it turns out it's not Preston, but a mysterious man screaming in Russian. Lynette hands the phone over to Irina, who yells a lot very quickly in Russian and then hangs up. She says it was a wrong number, but Lynette points out that the caller asked for her by name. "If I wanted you to know, I would say it in English," snaps Irina. Okay...except the guy was speaking Russian, so your comeback doesn't exactly fly, sweetie. Too bad for Irina, the saleswoman can say it in English and she's more than willing to rat out Irina.

John Barrowman, aka Patrick, sits in The Coffee Cup with a laptop and he appears to be in deep thought. Really, he's being tricky. Because what else would you expect from the Face of Boe? Danny brings him some coffee and asks if he needs anything else; "Inspiration," he says. Clever as usual, Danny says all they have are muffins. Ask me again how much I'm going to miss the Bolens after this season. Go ahead. I dare you.

Patrick tells Danny he's working on a novel and when Danny asks what it's about, Patrick recaps his and Angie's whole life together. Including the baby snatching. What's amazing is that it looks like he's actually typed the text out as though he's really making this into a novel. Now that's thorough. Patrick explains that he's stuck at the part where the man tracks down his woman and long lost child; he wants to know what Danny thinks would happen next. "Seems to me the guy would kill her!" exclaims Danny, as if this is some brilliant insight. God I hate this kid. Patrick, of course, agrees. Good. Kill her. Kill them all. That's why I love you, John Barrowman.

Commercials.

The show returns in the Solis' living room where Carlos tells Gaby "no." Three guesses what he's denying her. Oh, you didn't even need a guess, did you? Gaby: "No?" Carlos: "You asked my permission to be an egg donor and I said no." Gaby informs Carlos that she wasn't actually asking his permission, just telling him what's up. How considerate of her to keep him in the loop. This isn't going to fly with Carlos, of course, who tells Gaby that her eggs are half his since he's her husband. "I own fifty percent of whatever comes out of that uterus." Hee! Also, not true if it's not your sperm going in. But nice try, Carlos. Gaby tries to turn this around to make it seem like Carlos is being possessive. Instead of making a logical argument, Carlos points out that he pays for Gaby's clothes, massages and one day will pay for her implants, so he is a major stockholder in her body.

"You can't stop me!" protests Gaby, like the child she is. "I can do whatever I want with my eggs." "And I can do whatever I want with the credit cards I pay for," says Carlos. Dear God, Carlos. How many times are you going to threaten to cut Gaby off financially before you realize it doesn't work? Please, enlighten me. No one takes that threat even slightly seriously now, even Gaby, who says that she doesn't care because she's trying to do something noble. Carlos realizes she hid the credit cards. Heh. Finally being a rational human being, Carlos asks her, as her husband, to not give Bob and Lee her eggs. "It will be too weird having your DNA live next door," he says. Boy if that isn't the truth. I'd like to see them explain that one to the girls. Gaby still doesn't care, though, and insists she's going through with it.

Lynette is in a government office talking to a man about Irina. Apparently Irina told the guy on the phone to go ahead and call the police because he'd never find her. Lynette thinks this, along with Irina being a foreigner, should be enough to deport her. Well that's rather naive; Lynette must truly be desperate this time. The man points out that the information isn't enough to go on, so Lynette begs him to at least interrogate Irina. "Look, Mrs. Scavo, we are a government agency. We can't investigate your future daughter-in-law just because you don't think she's good enough for your son," the man says. It's at this point that Lynette notices his desk is littered with pictures of him and his dog and she comes to the realization that he's childless. Now knowing she'll get nowhere, Lynette walks away sulkily.

Lucky for her, she happens to pass a woman with a picture of a couple and a child on her desk and she backtracks to speak to her. "Is that your daughter-in-law?" she asks the woman, who confirms that she is. Eyes all lit up, Lynette goes in for the kill: "You two get along?" The woman says, "Don't get me started," and Lynette realizes she's found her savior.

Over at the Delfinos, MJ is standing at the sink shoveling mud down the drain when Susan comes downstairs and asks him what he's doing. "Clogging the sink," he says matter-of-factly. "Daddy needs work." Try popsicle sticks, kid. Susan puts a stop to it, even though she's touched by MJ's thoughtfulness. She explains that Mike only gets paid when other people have plumbing problems and MJ says, "So I should do this to somebody else's sink?" Susan attempts to smile and corrects him, but at the same time those rusty old cogs start turning in her head. Oh Susan, do you really think following a seven-year-old's lead will help?

Cut to Bree's, where Susan hands her a wad of cash and asks to clog her drain. This continues at Lynette's, where Susan destroys her toilet; Angie's, where Susan ruins the garbage disposal; and Gaby's, where Susan literally takes a page from MJ's book and fills the bathtub with dirt. I'd mock this plan more, but A) this is actually one of Susan's better ideas and B) Mike is a douche. And douches deserved to be treated like the morons they are.

Later, Bree is on the phone in her office, reassuring her publisher that everyone will love the idea for the new cookbook after they sample her food. Well, well, well...looks like someone was lying to Andrew. Sam slips in behind her and when Bree hangs up, he asks what's going on. Bree explains that the sales team thinks that southern cookbooks are overdone, so she's going to have a dinner to convince them otherwise. Sam is pleased, but he's there to get down to his real business: destroying Andrew. "I think I know why Andrew tried to discredit me yesterday," he says in his most robo-like manner. "He knew you had me auditing the books and he knew what I was gonna find."

Cut to Bree confronting Andrew. Apparently Andrew charged people for extra alcohol they never received, then took home the extra beverages for a party he had. Oh show. Why do you expect me to believe Andrew is so incompetent and dumb when you never once hinted at it before? For every funny scene or fantastic moment in this episode, you do something kind of lazy to discredit it and that worries me deeply. I don't want you to find yourself cascading down a slippery slope into certain doom, so please, please, get back on the ball. I'm begging you. Even if it takes until next season, I will forgive you, so long as I see the effort. Thank you.

Anyway, Andrew confirms this rather nonchalantly and Bree is horrified. She begins to ream him out, but Andrew changes the subject to Sam. "Can't you see the type of person he is?" asks Andrew. Bree snaps that Sam is the type to take care of his dying mother; Andrew is the type to steal. Rather calmly, Andrew announces that he isn't going to listen to this and leaves. Bree follows him and demands he not walk away. "Can't you see how he's manipulating you?" demands Andrew. "How stupid can you be?" Kind of rude, but Bree totally deserves it. "Apparently I'm stupid enough to have trusted you!" she retorts. Low blow. Finally losing his cool, Andrew tells Bree she might as well fire him. "Don't push me," warns Bree. And, because Andrew is awesome and always, always, always pushes, he pokes Bree on the shoulder with one finger. It is an amazing little gesture. Bree can't abide this (who would expect her to), so she fires Andrew. Above him, Andrew spots Sam grinning triumphantly. Damn, bested by a robot. Too bad, Andrew.

Commercials.

Lynette pulls into her driveway and parks the car, talking to Tom on her phone at the same time. She asks him if Irina and Preston said when they'd be back from the mall. The shot cuts to Tom, who is in the passenger's seat while Parker drives. "Stop!" he yells, and Parker slams on the breaks. Hee! I love this scene already. Lynette: "Stop what?" Tom, who is looking like he saw his life pass before his eyes, says, "Not you. I'm teaching Parker to drive." He pats Parker's shoulders and he starts driving again. Back to Lynette, who gets out of her car, grinning. "Okay. I'm planning to steal Irina's passport number," she says, rather giddily. Man, I always love Lynette when she puts a crazy plan into motion. Tom maybe not so much, because when the shot cuts back to him, he seems rather concerned. "Oh God," he says, "what are you up to now?"

Lynette explains that her new friend at immigration convinced someone at the Russian embassy to do a background check on Irina for her. Tom: "Lynette, this is getting out of hand." Well, Lynette is like a dog with a bone, and Tom, more than anyone, should know that by now. Not that he doesn't have a point. "That woman is hiding something," says Lynette, "and I am taking her down!" Tom can only sigh.

The camera cuts to Parker's room, which Irina has been occupying, where Lynette paws through the dresser. She finds Irina's passport buried under a pile of underwear and scurries over to the desk so she can write down the number. Unfortunately, at that moment she hears Preston and Irina on the stairs and she hurries to put everything back. Then, in a brilliant like mother, like son moment, Lynette has no choice but to hide in the closet when she hears the couple approach. Too bad for her the closet is full of crap, so the best she can manage is to hide behind the open closet door just as Preston and Irina enter.

Preston, somewhat admirably, says that they shouldn't be in the room with the door closed since his mother doesn't like it, but easily gives in when Irina declares Lynette an old prude and starts to make out with him. Poor Lynette is forced to watch as Irina tackles Preston to the bed. Desperate, she pulls out her phone and texts Tom.

Back in the car, Tom gets the text and Parker asks who it's from. "Your mom," says Tom, who then begins to read aloud. "'Get home now. Trapped behind the closet door. Preston and Irina are about to--" Tom's eyes widen and he demands that Parker pull over so he can drive; he has to get home fast. "I can go fast," says Parker. He speeds off. Hee!

In the bedroom, Irina straddles Preston in nothing but her bra, trying to tug off his shirt while he still makes futile arguments. Lynette literally grimaces in disgust as Irina declares that doing it while Lynette is home will "make it fun." Blech. Suddenly she spots a baseball sitting on the dresser next to her. She picks it up and hurls it at the window; the couple doesn't even notice her because they're too busy making out. Outside, Tom and Parker are just getting out of the car as the baseball bounces off of the hood, nearly smacking Tom in the head. Guess they'll be paying for a window and a dent. Preston and Irina rush to the window--although my inclination would probably be to look for what came through the window into the room, since that would be assumption of what happened, right?--and Lynette sneaks out. That scene alone gets an A+. Glad to see this episode isn't completely off.

Over at the test kitchen, Bree is trying out a recipe for her dinner that involves a splash of sherry, so she can't sample it. Sam does instead and tells her it's amazing. For some reason, Sam uses this as a segue into how she had to fire Andrew; I would think he'd let sleeping dogs lie, but whatever. I'll just go with it. Anyway, Bree's response to this is: "I've done worse things to Andrew." Does that make it okay? "We have a very complicated relationship," she continues. "You'll see that the longer you're at the company." Sam doesn't understand; he figured that because Andrew was fired everything was kaput. Yes, because getting Andrew fired would cut him from Bree's life completely. Stupid robot. Bree mentions that she and Andrew have a habit of fighting, pushing one another away and then coming back together. She fully intends to rehire him at some point. I fully intended to go into another rant about this, but I've said everything there is to say too many times now. I'm beginning to be as repetitive as Lynette, so I'll just move on. This scene ends with Sam's plotting eyes.

Night. Delfino bedroom. Susan is in a negligee that is boobtastic. Seriously, did Teri Hatcher demand to be naked more than the other girls this season? It's getting as ridiculous as Eva Longoria's near constant state of half-dress in season one. Mike enters the room and comments on how funny it is that he's had so much work on the Lane this week. "Well that's good, right?" asks Susan, not picking up on Mike's not-so-subtle suspicions. "Especially since you don't have your truck." Mike agrees that it's good and then pulls out an earring that Susan lost in Gaby's bathtub drain. D'oh. He awaits an explanation and this is what he gets: "Oh, of course. Gaby and I went jogging and uh, then I hugged her. So my earring probably got caught in her sports bra and when she went to take a bath...Hey, do you want to have sex?" Oh Susan.

Mike recaps all of the locations Susan messed with to get him work while Susan keeps trying to convince him to have sex with her. Look at his face, Susan; the distraction won't work. Even with your boobs practically falling out. Mike says that he has to return all the money, so Susan reluctantly admits that she paid off her friends. "You're saying everyone on the street knows I'm having financial trouble," says Mike. No, stupid, everyone on the street knows your a douche and thanks their lucky stars that Susan is the one stuck married to you. Jesus, man, even Carlos let Gaby know when they were in financial trouble and their whole schtick is money. Susan points out that they probably figured it out when the truck was repossessed (something she also brought attention to, by the way, though Mike doesn't point this out).

Mike says he's humiliated and Susan apologizes. But she also rightly mentions that the whole fiasco could have been avoided if he just accepted her money in the first place. And she's right. She's right, Mike. SUSAN is right. That's how much of a douche you are. "This is my business; my problem," says Mike. Susan: "You know, I don't remember all those 'mys' in our wedding vows. It's supposed to be a partnership. If you can't let me help you maybe there's something wrong with our marriage." Mike just shakes his head the entire time like Susan's an idiot (which, for once, she isn't), then grabs his pillow and says he's sleeping on the couch. I hope he throws out his back.

Commercials.

Presumably the same night, Angie returns home with her dry cleaning to an empty house. From upstairs she hears a thud and she anxiously calls for Danny, thinking maybe he's home. When he doesn't answer, she grabs a vase to use as a weapon and sneaks upstairs. The music gets more and more intense, but instead of John Barrowman popping out to kill her, the phone just rings. Damn. It's Nick, who Angie declares scared her. Uh, what now? Nick is on the phone. Which means he didn't make the thumping sound. So he couldn't have scared you. So illogical. Just die already, Angie. The shot shifts so outside the door we can see Patrick lurking. Ooh. Scary.

The next day, Gaby is over at Bob and Lee's where they propose a toast to her. How sweet. How can they not see that this is going to go so wrong. "Okay," says Gaby, "let's talk babies. So, what are you guys hoping for: a boy or a girl?" The guys say they want a girl so they can enter her in baby beauty pageants. And yes, they're serious. Oh course, it could be a boy, in which case Lee says there will be "make-up and rhinestone vests." Gaby looks properly horrified until Bob points out he's kidding. "Oh he better be," she says. "There's no way I'm allowing that." The guys share an uneasy look.

"Now that I think about it," Gaby goes on, "I do hope we have a boy." She's tired of having girls and only being able to buy them dresses; she wants a boy to take on a shopping spree. Bob tactfully mentions that she can do that when they come back to visit; he and Lee are going to move to New York so the baby can be near its grandmother. Then why did you make that awesome nursery? "It just never occurred to me that you guys would leave and take my only son," says Gaby, completely delusional. As my sister pointed out, if Gaby wants another baby so badly, why doesn't she have another one with Carlos. I'm not sure if that can be taken as a sign of trouble in their marriage or just further proof of Gaby's complete laziness as a mother that she wants another kid without having to raise it herself. Maybe both.

"Gaby," says Bob slowly, "this child, it will have your genes, but it won't be yours. You get that, right?" Apparently this fact has only just dawned on Gaby, but she lies and says she understood that. All three of them laugh nervously.

A little while later, Gaby returns home to find Carlos playing cards with the girls. She watches Celia and Juanita with teary eyes and Juanita asks what's wrong. "Well I was just thinking about what it would be like if I couldn't see your face every day and it made me sad," explains Gaby. Carlos picks up that Gaby's truly upset and asks what's going on.

Cut to a fancy dining room where Bree's cookbook sample dinner is about to begin. She enters the room with her publisher, Bruce, and I do a little dance to celebrate the continuity. It's the same delightful fellow who harangued Orson last year while the Scavos tore each other apart at that awkward job interview dinner. Oh do I love that episode. Bruce is so nervous that he tries to convince Bree to drink; "I really put my neck on the line for this book, Bree. No one likes the idea. No one," says Bruce. Heh. Suck on that, Bree and Sam. Bree says that everyone will love the food and Bruce said they better or Bree won't be able to publish another book of any kind. That seems kind of extreme.

Distraught and nervous, Bree enters the kitchen and tells everyone to hop to it. Unfortunately, Sam just discovered that instead of dousing the ribs with cooking sherry, they were actually covered in vinegar. Disaster! Bree samples the food and realizes that it's all ruined and her panic becomes complete. She tries to stop the waiter from serving the food, but most of it has already been taken out; immediately she demands that they get the plates back and the waiter hurries off. At this point, Bree attempts to figure out what happened after she locked up the sherry the night before. Sam smoothly asks if she gave Andrew's keys to anyone else and Bree says that Andrew never returned them. "Oh Bree," says Sam, as though Bree is a naive fool. Well, she is for believing this.

The waiter returns and announces that they can't get the plates back. After Bruce gives a speech everyone will dig right in. With no other choice, Bree sets off the sprinkler system with a torch and all the people are forced to vacate. "We're serving cobbler in the parking lot!" Bree screams to the dining room as everyone runs out. Wow. The fire department is really wasting their time in this episode.

Commercials.

At home that night, Bree sits sadly in her kitchen; not even Orson's homemade hot cocoa can cheer her up. "My son tried to ruin my career tonight," she says glumly. "I don't think I'll ever smile again." Orson admits that he thinks that Andrew had nothing to do with it; Bree can't quite believe this. Logically, Orson runs through the amount of planning that went into the sabotage and declares that Andrew wouldn't be clever enough to come up with it. Since when is Andrew not clever? Remember when he tricked Bree's boyfriend into sleeping with him? "Well then who do you think did it?" asks Bree. Well Sam, of course. Bree can't believe it; why would Sam want to hurt her? Orson points out that Bree isn't the one hurt; Andrew is. "No, that's not possible," says Bree. "What would he stand to gain?" Orson: "Hmm. That's a good question. Enjoy your hot chocolate." A spark of understanding finally graces Bree's face. It's about damn time, woman.

Cut to the Delfinos' garage. Mike stands and delivers the following soliloquy to someone off-camera: "Every once in awhile I catch Susan looking at me this certain way. You know, I'm putting on my shirt or mowing the lawn and I'll turn my head and I'll catch her with this look in her eyes. And I know she's thinking that she's lucky to have me. So how can I tell her I'm dead broke? How can I say, 'I can't take your money because it won't begin to cover the debts I've been racking up for the last year.'? She thinks it's a couple truck payments. She's got no idea. This would really hurt her. If she found out I kept this from her, I don't think I'd ever see that look from her again. And I can't let that happen." Finally the angle changes so it's revealed that Mike is talking to Carlos, who asks Mike how much he needs. My mom wondered if Mike has a gambling problem now. It would make sense that Carlos is sympathetic if that's the case; after all, his mom had a gambling problem too.

Back to The Coffee Cup, unfortunately. Danny is working again when Patrick returns. They get back on the topic of the book and Patrick mentions that he couldn't kill off the woman. Damn. Double damn. He doesn't think it's a harsh enough punishment for her crime. He says that the best revenge would be to take something from her: the kid. Good. Kidnap a nineteen-year-old. Who cares anymore at this point? Just get rid of the damn Bolens. John Barrowman may stay. Ooh, and maybe bring back crazy Dave and make them the new gay couple of the Lane. They could be the mentally insane version of Bob and Lee. Awesome.

Speaking of Bob and Lee, Gaby comes over to their place to find Bob drinking alone on the porch. "So I guess Carlos talked to you guys," says Gaby. Seriously, Gaby? Man, I always thought the girl had gumption if nothing else; that's just pathetic. How has this show managed to make me like Susan more than Gabrielle this season? That just doesn't seem possible and yet, here we are. "I feel awful," Gaby continues. "The more he thought about it the more he just couldn't let me do this. And let's face it, he does have a say." Ugh. Bob says he understands, but he still looks brokenhearted. It turns out that this is not only because of the baby, but also because he and Lee broke up. "Lee says he can't go through it again," says Bob. "I'm determined to have a child, so..." Gaby asks if there's anything she can do and Bob gives her a look that says that Gaby's done enough already. Finally realizing that she's had a big hand in destroying one of the most beloved couples of Wisteria Lane, Gaby leaves.

So if you aren't teary-eyed already, this next set of scenes will do it for you. Over at the Scavos, the family is getting dressed for Preston's wedding. Preston runs downstairs and declares that his left shoe is missing. His friend, Eddie (who was really more Danny's friend all season, but whatever--also, where is Porter?) is with him. Tom tells Preston they'll find the shoe and to finish getting ready. Preston runs back upstairs while Eddie suggests that he wear sneakers; Tom gives him a look and he runs upstairs to help Preston look for his shoe. Tom calls for Lynette, but can't find her in the house so he goes outside. She's sitting on the porch and she looks like her world has completely fallen apart.

"What are you doing?" asks Tom, coming over to her. "I need your help. Preston can't find his shoe." Lynette: "I put it in the oven." I have never loved Lynette as much as I do at this moment. That's just too perfect--absurd and sad and desperate and loving all at the same time. And so Lynette. Tom asks why she did it and Lynette says the woman from immigration never got back to her so she's screwed. "Oh honey," says Tom, sitting down next to her. "Come on. Hiding a shoe isn't going to stop them from getting married. "I know. I just wanted a few more minutes before I had to tell my son I'm not going to his wedding," explains Lynette. Wow, that's rough. My mom and aunt were young when my uncle got married and my grandmother refused to go to the wedding since it wasn't a Catholic ceremony, so they weren't allowed to go either. They all ended up regretting it, but it was too late to change anything. That's a tragic situation. Tom points out that if Lynette doesn't go then Irina is going to have even more power. "Oh I wish," says Lynette, taking Tom's hand and fighting tears. "I wish I went to church more often. I could really use a favor from the man upstairs right about now." As if on cue, the woman from immigration pulls up across the street and gets out of her car with a file folder on Irina. Eagerly, Lynette raises her eyes and says, "I'll see you Sunday morning," as she rushes off to get the folder. Tom can do nothing but look skyward incredulously.

Upstairs, Irina is examining herself in Parker's tiny mirror. Her wedding dress is meh. I guess that's what happens when you scramble to buy one in a week's time. Lynette bursts into the room and says that Irina looks beautiful; "I'm guessing this one's much nicer than your first wedding dress," she adds. She has that old confidence back in her voice; this is a Lynette who knows she's won. Turns out that Irina was married in Russia to a guy named Alexi Kosokov who she never divorced. Irina tells Lynette a sob story about how Alexi was a lazy bum who treated her badly, but Lynette doesn't care. Because Irina also cleaned out the bank account of an Italian man who pressed charges against her. Still calm and full of excuses, Irina declares that the Italian was a pig and she earned every penny. "We have a term in America for women who get paid for sex," says Lynette, "and it's not daughter-in-law." Irina doesn't care; she says that Lynette can go ahead and tell Preston everything, she'll just explain it away and he'll believe it all because he always does. Lynette's eyes flicker to the doorway and as Irina turns, so does the camera; standing there is Preston, who has heard every word. The poor kid looks like he's about to burst into tears and he asks Lynette to leave. Also about to cry, Lynette heads toward the door, pausing only for a moment when Preston takes the file folder from her hands.

Commercials.

That night, Preston sits at his desk staring at nothing when Lynette enters his room. "Hey," she says, shutting the door. "Your father told me you called off the wedding. Obviously I think you are doing the right thing." Preston doesn't respond and Lynette starts to cry before continuing. "I know you hate me right now and I just want you to know that I am okay with that." She turns to leave, then doubles back, adding, "I love you so much I would rather have you resent me or even cut me off completely than to allow you to make a mistake that could ruin your life. So go ahead...hate me for as long as you want and when you are done I will be here waiting." By this point, Preston is fighting tears too; he looks surprisingly similar to Tom in this scene. Lynette goes over and kisses the top of his head, and as she rushes out the door she quickly says, "Try not to take to long because I miss you already." Absolutely heart-wrenching.

Out on the darkened street, Irina makes her way down the Lane with her suitcase in tow. Suddenly Eddie pulls up next to her and asks where she's going. Irina says she's going to a motel until she catches a flight out. "The Scavos couldn't even give you a lift? That's harsh," says Eddie. I disagree, but I'm not trying to get in Irina's pants, so I'll let it slide. Irina says she wants nothing from them because they're dead to her, so Eddie offers her a lift.

As they're driving down the street, Eddie tries to make small talk, saying things like it's Preston's loss, etc. Irina doesn't want to talk about it, but Eddie continues to push because he wants to bang Irina. He basically offers to let her use him for money, but Irina turns him down, calling him a "greasy-haired little boy." She laughs stupidly, not realizing that Eddie's eyes have gone crazy. He pulls over the car and promptly chokes the life out of Irina. Good riddance.

While Eddie's digging Irina a roadside grave, Mary Alice pops back in. "We all know that evil exists." Cut to the Lane the next day as a paper boy coasts down the street. "The newspapers are filled with stories about young girls who suddenly vanish." Susan comes outside to pick up her paper as Mike drives away in the truck he got back with Carlos' money. "But we don't pay attention because we're worried about our marriages." Gaby steps out onto her porch and looks down the street where Bob is watering his lawn. "Concerned about our friendships." Bree enters the test kitchen and gapes at Sam. "Anxious about our employees." Finally we wind up at the Scavos', where a much more cheerful Lynette steps onto her porch. Eddie pulls up in his car to pick Porter up for school and Lynette invites him into the house. "Yes," Mary Alice sums up, "we don't pay attention to evil because we think it will never come to our house. But it does. And sometimes we let it in."

Well, overall I think I'd give this episode an A-. I greatly enjoyed it on my initial viewing, but doing this recap revealed that the second half of the episode was much stronger than the first half. I liked the stories this week, but the writing was a little repetitive in some areas. Still, it was a pretty good outing and I'm feeling generous since the show made me cry. Shows are always better when they tug at your emotions, I think. Here's hoping next week exceeds my expectations.

DH recap: My Two Young Men

Season Six, Episode Eighteen: "My Two Young Men"

"You should never trust family photos," says Mary Alice as the camera closes in on a bookshelf with various pictures of the Van de Kamp family. "They are designed to be misleading." Boy is that ever true. First up is a picture of Bree that was certainly taken post-Rex's death; her hair is a lot softer. "A mother's bright smile might hide a lifetime of disappointment." Really, Mary Alice, Bree's entire life has been disappointing? I find that hard to believe. Next she moves on to Andrew in a picture where he's unfortunately sporting his awful haircut and a weird smattering of facial hair; "A son's sweet expression could conceal boundless rage." Next comes a rather unflattering picture of Danielle: "A daughter's sedate pose might obscure years of unladylike behavior." And finally, there's that classic picture of the Van de Kamps that the show has trotted out for years: the one where they're all dressed in black and Danielle and Andrew both sport their very horrid season one haircuts; "And as for that father with the air of dignity, there's always the chance he has another family elsewhere." As she says this, the picture goes from the Van de Kamps to that suspicious one of Rex and Sam as a small boy. Now that I'm getting another look at it, my suspicions go beyond not trusting Sam. The kid in the picture appears to be about six and even though the timing of this supposed conception already makes absolutely no sense, this pushes it well beyond the realm of reason. Just how old are we supposed to believe Rex was when he WENT TO COLLEGE AND MET BREE?? Huh, show? Explain that one to me? At this point I would pay the show if they let me be a timeline/continuity adviser.

Anyway, Andrew is the one who is holding the picture of Rex and Sam. Bree has just finished telling him about Sam's paternity and Andrew doesn't know what to say. He starts with, "So you're my brother?" and Sam, who sits on the opposite couch, is quick to correct, "Half-brother to be precise." Touchingly, Orson is sitting between the two couches looking at Andrew with a concerned, fatherly expression. The Orson-Andrew relationship is so interesting and I wish the show would utilize it more often. Suffice it to say, I love how Kyle MacLachlan and Shawn Pyfrom play off of one another in this episode. "Andrew, you have every right to be upset," acknowledges Bree. "Your father should have told us about this years ago, but please don't be angry with Sam. It's not his fault." This little speech might have had the desired effect if it weren't for Bree punctuating it by rubbing Sam's shoulder; Andrew's face falls at the sight. "I'm fine," Andrew lies. "I just need to be by myself for a little while." As he stands to leave, his parting words to Sam are: "If you don't mind, I"ll hug you later." Heh.

With Andrew gone, Bree admits that the news went better than expected. Sam says that he thinks he and Andrew will end up good friends once the shock wears off, but I highly doubt that. To my utter excitement, Bree tells Sam that Danielle is flying in "tomorrow" to meet him and that she's sure they're going to hit it off. At this announcement, Orson's looks concerned and I'm not sure if it's because Danielle is coming to town or because Bree has lost her damn mind. Either way, he tells Bree that he agrees with her when she asks his opinion. Orson makes up a reason to get Sam out of the room; Sam and Bree hug and then Sam leaves.

Bree sighs and takes a seat; Orson asks her when she spoke to Danielle. Nice of Bree to tell Orson that Danielle was popping by for a visit. Bree tells Orson that when she called Danielle an hour before to tell her about Sam, Danielle insisted on coming home for a family dinner. Wow. How un-Danielle like. "Well you've certainly wasted no time welcoming Sam to the family," says Orson a bit sarcastically. He acknowledges that he agrees with Bree about Andrew and Danielle getting to know their new brother, but admits that he's not sure why Bree's so excited about it. "Excited?" asks Bree in disbelief. "I'm ashamed! Rex kept that boy in the shadows for years. I can't look at Sam without feeling overwhelming guilt." Orson correctly points out that Bree has no reason to feel guilty, but Bree doesn't care. Since Rex is gone it's her job to make sure that Sam is treated like a Van de Kamp. Well in that case, Sam would be better off running away now. Bree looks at the photo of Sam and Rex again and Mary Alice pops back in to say, "Yes, be careful when looking at family photos." Cut to Sam eavesdropping in the hallway. "Like certain members of the family, they are not to be trusted." Not to be trusted because they're eavesdroppers or because they're super crazy and lying about their paternity? I desperately hope it's the latter.

Wee little credits!

There is a close up on a sign featuring little children and chocolate bars with the words "Candy Drive" emblazoned above them. "Every year Oakridge Private School held a fundraising drive," Mary Alice informs the audience. The shot cuts into a classroom where a teacher talks to the kids and then hands out boxes of chocolate bars; Mary Alice explains that the children are asked to sell $3 bars of chocolate and the child who sells the most wins a prize. "Of course, for someone to win, someone else had to lose," Mary Alice sums up. On the word "lose" the show cuts to a shot of MJ sitting sulkily on a bench outside of the classroom. Is it horrible that I laughed a little over the fact that Mary Alice basically called Susan's child a loser?

Susan approaches MJ and asks if he's gotten his candy yet. MJ hasn't because he doesn't see the point: he's not going to win because he never wins anything. Mason Vale Cotton is always absurdly cute, but seeing his little eyes well up with tears as he says this just about breaks my heart. Apparently the sight broke Susan's heart too because the scene immediately cuts to the Delfino kitchen where Mike asks, "You promised him he'd win?" in utter disbelief. "He was about to cry; what was I supposed to say?" asks Susan. As much as I hate to admit it (because I can see why Susan said that), Mike has a point when he tells Susan she should have gone in a route more like, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

Desperately, Susan says, "He tries all the time! He never wins anything!" I don't know if it's the way Teri Hatcher is delivering these lines--in a wispy, melancholy tone--or the content, but for once I'm totally on board with Susan. I want to see MJ win too. Susan elaborates her point for Mike: MJ is bad at sports, card games, and he had a particularly humiliating time at a spelling bee (apparently he spelled "kayak" with a "q"). "My point is," Susan sums up, "I want him to feel good about himself! Every child should win something at least once! See, you win everything! I know what it's like to lose!" My face mirrors Mike's expression of horror as Susan goes from a brief moment of being endearing into what is likely to be a self-pity party. "Dear God, not the jump rope competition," he pleads.

Susan continues as though Mike hasn't spoken: when she was in sixth grade she was in a jump roping competition that came down to her and Barbara Briscoe (hilariously, Mike mouths the name along with Susan). Apparently poor Barbara suffered from allergies and her dandelion season handicap would have secured Susan the win if it wasn't for Barbara's mother giving her an allergy shot. How odd that her mother had the shot with her; my sis still goes to the allergist for her shots and our mother is a registered nurse. Anyway, the scene gets simultaneously hilarious and gruesome as Susan works to her frenzied climax: she grabs Mike by the shoulders and shakes him as she insists that the allergy shot was technically a steroid--a line that is funny, yet hindered by the horrifying way Teri Hatcher's face doesn't move as she's yelling. Mike tries not to roll his eyes and pats Susan on the shoulder. He promises to support her quest to make MJ a winner as long as she never tells the jump roping story again. Smartly, he leaves before Susan can respond, but she tries to glare at him without actually moving her facial muscles. It's seriously freaking me out.

Over at the Scavos', Preston and Irina are snuggled up together naked in a twin bed. When I originally watched this, this was my train of successively horrifying thoughts: "Ew, Preston had sex with the Russian skank!"; followed by "Ew! He shares that room with his brother; I hope Porter's not there!"; followed by "EW! That's not even his room, it's Parker's!" Needless to say, if I was Parker, I'd buy some new sheets. Of course, knowing Parker's penchant for dirty magazines and being a peeping Tom, I'd probably have changed the sheets to begin with, but I doubt Preston or Irina is that smart.

Preston and Irina giggle about how good the sex was, but they're interrupted by Lynette knocking on the door. She's looking for Irina, so presumably Parker was forced to relinquish his room to the skank upon her arrival. "Hold one second!" calls Irina. "I have yet to get decent!" Lynette clearly resists the urge to roll her eyes and a moment later Irina opens the door wearing a silky blue bathrobe. Upon being invited in, Lynette immediately looks around the room with suspicious baby blues, but Preston is no where in sight. "Huh, I thought I made that bed this morning," observes Lynette. Irina can't even make her own bed as a guest in someone else's home? Okay, now I hate her. Irina lies that she took a nap. Lynette gathers up Irina's clothes for the laundry and of course Preston has left his lying on the floor. Lynette glances at the closet while Irina makes a half-assed effort at fixing the bedding. Too little, too late, skank.

Verbally calling out that she's leaving, Lynette closes the door without stepping a foot into the hallway and Preston bursts from the closet with a triumphant: "Man that was close!" His face instantly falls when he sees his mother. The kid has been away from home for way too long if he's falling for that old trick. "Oh crap," he says. Lynette is not amused. She drops the laundry basket and waggles a finger at Preston as she seriously lectures him: "Your father and I told you no sleeping together in this house and here you are openly defying us!" Not realizing that Lynette's tone clearly implies that death is near, Preston jokes, "Not openly. We were hoping to get away with it." Oh Preston, you idiot.

"That is not funny!" Lynette says, her tone becoming deadly. "Your eleven-year-old sister is in the next room! I don't want you setting that kind of example!" Before Preston can respond, Porter bursts into the room (Lynette is hidden by the door) and pants, "Dude, look out! Mom's back from the store!" Hilariously, Lynette leans into Porter's view and his eyes widen; "Oh," he says, picking up what appears to be a sports trophy, "this is what I was looking for." He flees the room. Heh. Preston says that he'd better get dressed and runs out of the room after his brother, leaving Lynette alone with the skank. Lynette asks Irina to not let "it" happen again, but Irina says that if it was another girl Lynette wouldn't care so much. I'm not so sure about that; eleven or thirteen, Penny is a little young to be exposed to her brothers' sex lives. Of course, I'm sure the fact that it's Irina makes the entire situation worse. "You just don't like me," Irina accurately points out. This, of course, pushes Lynette into her uncomfortable, lying voice: "That...is not true. I'm still getting to know you. And I am sure that over time that I will come to think of you as a valued member of our..." The lie hurts Lynette so physically that she can't even spit out the word "family." Instead she gasps, grabs something from Parker's shelf and takes a page out of Porter's book: "Oh here's what I was looking for," she almost whispers, and she leaves the room.

Katherine and Robin fall back on a bed, naked and giggling. What's with all the mid-afternoon sex on the Lane this week? And what is up with Robin's HUGE ring? I think that would hurt if poked into the wrong area. "You were right," says Katherine, "that was more refreshing than taking a nap." Robin smiles and gets out of bed, pulling on her cheetah robe. The subject of conversation turns to Roy and Karen, the latter of whom had surgery and is now cancer-free. Wow, that was fast. Now they're having a party to celebrate. "I hope you told them I'd be there," Robin says to Katherine. Katherine's smile tightens ever so slightly. Apparently she told Roy that they'd go, but she doesn't think it's a good idea to go as a couple. "Except for Susan, people don't really know what's going on with us," explains Katherine. Robin lets Katherine know that she doesn't know either.

"Do we have to put a label on it?" asks Katherine, pulling a pillow up in front of her body. Everything about her screams discomfort now. She doesn't see why the fact that she really likes Robin can't be enough. Robin protests that it might be better if everyone knew how happy they made one another. Katherine isn't so sure, so Robin doesn't push it any further.

Susan finishes setting up the poker table as Gaby arrives with Juanita in tow; Lynette and Bree are already there. The girls greet the Solises, and Gaby tells Juanita to hit it. "Hello, my name is Juanita Solis and I am in the third grade," Juanita reads from a paper. She pauses with such a big grin on her pretty face that I'm almost entranced enough to let slide that Juanita has now aged another year in this season. Almost. "Won't you support me?" Juanita continues. "I am selling candy so I can stay in school and not end up on the streets selling drugs." And here I was thinking that was a school-sponsored speech; I should have known it's pure Gaby. The girls chuckle and Gaby says she'll take over. She gives the girls the low down on the sale, and Lynette offers to buy a bar so Juanita doesn't end up on crack. Ha! Bree promptly agrees too. "One lousy bar?" asks Gaby, appalled. She says that it's a contest and Juanita plans to win. Awkward looks abound.

Susan tells Juanita to go play with MJ in the other room. After she's gone, Susan explains that Lynette and Bree already agreed to buy 8 bars from MJ. 8 bars each? Wow. "That's okay, they can buy from Juanita too," says Gaby. Neither Lynette or Bree looks pleased by this. With her creepy, motionless face, Susan explains that MJ is having a self-esteem crisis and he needs to win "this one." Is anyone surprised when I say that Gaby honestly couldn't care less? No? No takers? That's what I thought. It turns out that Juanita is having her own crisis: she hasn't made any friends at her new school. Aww, poor Juanita. Gaby thinks the prize--a big party--will win Juanita friends.

This announcement begins a back and forth between Gaby and Susan about whose child is worse off. An awkward stare-down results until Bree nervously asks, "So what are we doing?" Lynette admirably tries to argue that if they buy the same amount from Gaby and Susan then it will be a wash so they might as well not buy any. Wow, that would totally be my argument and I would totally get the same look Lynette gets now. "Get out your wallet," Bree wisely advises.

Commercials.

A "Congratulations Karen" banner hangs in the doorway of Karen's living room where a party is in full swing. The banner business must be very lucrative in Fairview; this is the fourth banner in as many weeks. Karen and Roy regale the Solises with an uplifting story about a girl about Gaby's age who never smoked a day in her life and had to undergo the same treatment as Karen. "You could be that girl, Gaby," Roy adds helpfully. Nice. He and Karen walk away and Gaby and Carlos agree to go drink a lot since they're going to die anyway.

The front door opens and Katherine and Robin walk in. Katherine reminds Robin--for what I'm sure is the hundredth time--that they're not there as a couple. "I know. We're on a covert lesbian mission," says Robin, rolling her eyes. Katherine apologizes, but she doesn't want to blow the neighbors' minds with her revelation. Robin points out that compared to Katherine's past indiscretions, this isn't much. Just then, Tom approaches them with an enthusiastic greeting; "Best cancer party ever!" he declares so dorkily that I love him even more. Tom goes on to say that he's been talking to Karen's doctor and Katherine made "quite an impression on him." Really? When was this? In the one minute she's been at the party? So bizarre. Katherine is obviously flattered and allows Tom to take her over to meet the doctor.

Across the room, Susan has just sold a chocolate bar to a woman who apparently came to the party in her husband's pajamas. Of course Gaby can't let this stand, and she storms away from Lynette and Tom to confront Susan. Gaby says that it's tacky that Susan is selling candy at an "I survived cancer" party, but Susan uses Susan-logic to argue that she saved a life by doing so. Yeah, I'm not even going to try to explain that one. "The competition is between the kids. They're supposed to be doing the selling, not the parents!" Gaby argues. She would pull it off too, but the next moment Lee storms up and demands to know why Gaby sold Bob chocolate so close to Speedo season. HAHA! Guiltily, Gaby flees the scene.

Robin is keeping a close eye on Katherine and the doctor. They're flirting, but he's so over-the-top that it's kind of pathetic. Maybe he's the male Katherine? Robin marches up and demands to speak to Katherine in private. She drags Katherine away from the doctor.

Nearby, Karen and Roy are finishing up their cancer story for Lee. "You could be that girl, Lee," says Roy and I dissolve into giggles. That's just too funny. Especially Lee's appalled expression.

Outside, Robin yells at Katherine for flirting for a guy right in front of her. "I wasn't flirting," Katherine lies. The way she was flipping her hair was practically a come-on. "I saw your face. You were enjoying it!" accuses Robin.

Back inside, Karen and Roy have gathered everyone together to make a speech. "I just want to thank you all for coming," says Roy, "and to say to Karen: thank God you're alright, baby." Everyone cheers. Karen thanks everyone too and asks for a moment of silence for all of the people who weren't as lucky as she. With bowed heads, the group descends into silence just in time to hear Katherine scream outside, "Just because I enjoy having sex with you doesn't make me a lesbian!" Robin and Katherine stare, horrified, through the window and all of the neighbors stare right back.

Over at the Hodges', Bree sits at the head of her dining room table, overseeing the awkward family dinner. "I wonder what Rex would say if he saw us here all together," she muses, patting Sam's shoulder. "Probably: 'Who's the guy in the wheelchair?'" jokes Orson. Bree smiles tolerantly. I have to agree; not Orson's best joke. Danielle asks Sam about the "fancy degree" her mom told her he has, but Bree doesn't let Sam answer, instead butting in to tell Danielle all about Sam's MBA. As Bree goes on and on about Sam's accomplishments and hardships, Andrew grows more and more sullen. Danielle says Sam's work digging wells in third world countries reminds her of her first job. "You worked at the food court in the mall," snarks Andrew. "The outlet mall," corrects Danielle. Hee! I have really missed Danielle. She really added an interesting flavor to the Van de Kamp family.

Bree takes the conversational reigns back from Danielle to say that she always hoped Andrew and Danielle would take an interest in helping the less fortunate. Why would they when their parents never did? She trails off and Andrew takes over to say that he and Danielle didn't in order to further disappoint their parents. Andrew really still is that angry little sixteen-year-old whose mother rejected him because he's gay, isn't he? Bree scowls and Danielle rolls her eyes. Can we bring back Joy Lauren? Please?

Sam changes the topic, asking what else Rex was interested in. Bree rattles off a long list, but doesn't spark Sam's interest until she mentions music. "I play the guitar," explains Sam. Immediately, Bree excuses herself and then the show cuts to Sam playing a guitar in the living room. I will grudgingly admit that he's pretty talented. Bree, Orson and Danielle are all obviously impressed; Andrew is not. When he finishes, Sam expositions that he can't believe he's playing his father's guitar. "It's just been sitting in that closet for years gathering dust," says Bree; she offers to let Sam keep it. Sam is surprised, Orson is perturbed and Andrew is horrified. Uh oh.

Andrew stands up and asks, "What if I want it? What if Danielle wants it?" Danielle, hilariously, looks somewhat surprised to be considered, but instantly denies wanting the guitar. "Don't you have a flight to catch?" Andrew growls. "Andrew, you've never shown any interest in that thing," Bree points out. Technically I completely understand Bree's point here, but she's not taking Andrew's feelings into consideration in the slightest, even if they are rather childish. He clearly has a lot of unresolved issues concerning his relationship with both of his parents.

"It's my dad's guitar. I'm plenty interested," argues Andrew. Bree, bless her, continues to try to be logical, pointing out that Andrew doesn't play. "I do so," lies Andrew. "I took lessons, okay?" Of course Bree can't let this pass, so she hands the guitar to Andrew and asks him to play. What follows is more hilarious than my words here will express: Andrew launches into a horrendous version of Jingle Bells that proves his talent on guitar is as great as Bree's at lap dances. Danielle looks disgusted, but it's not as funny as Orson nodding along and making faces when Andrew hits a bad chord. Quickly, Bree puts a stop to Andrew's concert and insists he give the guitar to Sam. "No," says Andrew, reverting to all of five-years-old. Orson tries to say that if the guitar means so much to Andrew, Bree should let him have it, but Bree interrupts him and calls Andrew on his childishness. This is the last straw for Andrew: he suggests that he and Sam share the guitar and smashes it into a hundred pieces. The family is aghast.

"I must apologize," Sam says in a smarmy voice. "My presence here is clearly causing unhappiness. I think I should go." Bree tells him there's no need to apologize and thanks him for being so dignified in the face of rudeness. Angrily she turns to glare at Andrew. "Yeah, I know," he says sadly. "He's the perfect son. Problem is: he's not yours." So true. And so to the heart of the matter, but Bree won't get that.

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Just as I got my hopes up that this episode would be Bolen-free, the next scene begins with Angie walking down her stairs. "So, we talkin' yet?" she asks Nick, who sits in the living room doing a crossword puzzle. He doesn't respond, so she walks over to him, sighs and drops a gun in his lap. He viscerally reacts, but Angie just says that she's so bored of the silent treatment he may as well shoot her. This, finally, gets Nick to start up their fight again to get the audience up to speed: he's pissed that she told her mom that Patrick is Danny's biodad because if too many people find out then Danny is bound to too. The only valuable thing we find out is that Patrick also knows about Danny. Nick does give a speech about being Danny's dad that might touch someone with less of a stone heart than I; my only reaction to think that if he's such a great dad, why did he boink the girl Danny had a crush on? Yeah. Forgot all about that, right show? Remember that two people have be strangled too? I wish they had stuck with that mystery; it would have been more interesting. Especially if someone I actually cared about had been strangled. Anyway, the heart of the matter is that Nick wants to tell Danny the truth, but Angie says no. "You're the only father he needs to know about," she insists. Nick acquiesces.

A phone rings and Angie's mother's nosy neighbor answers; it's Patrick Logan. I get crazily excited, even though the only shot of John Barrowman is a close up of his mouth. He wants to stop by and pay the neighbor for the information she gave him about Angie. She invites him to come over "tomorrow night," reminds him to bring cash and hangs up.

Back in Fairview, Susan drives down the street with MJ in the back seat. She's talking to someone named Tina on a car phone; it's been so long since they've spoken that Susan has to reintroduce herself as Susan Bremmer. Susan asks if Tina remembers the night she got caught streaking and Susan had to bail her out of jail. Tina said then that she owed Susan one. "Well I hope you like chocolate," Susan chuckles. I'm sure Tina's thinking that Susan's just as crazy as she used to be.

The act of calling in favors is interrupted when Susan spots Gaby out of the window. She's trotted out to a construction site with Juanita and she (Gaby) is wearing a short, gold dress and heels and flirting like crazy to sell some chocolate. That's a great example you're setting for your daughter there, Gaby. Susan says she'll call Tina back and groans at Gaby's actions. From the back seat, MJ moans, "I'm gonna lose this contest, aren't I?" Oh, MJ, sweetie. "No," says Susan. "You're gonna win. 'Cause Mommy's done playing fair." Oh Susan.

Breakfast looks to be just over in the Scavo kitchen. Tom's sitting at a messy table doing some work when Preston and Irina come downstairs hand-in-hand. "Hey," says Preston as the camera shot changes to reveal that Lynette is also in the room. She pours Tom some coffee as Preston continues, "Irina and I were talking and we feel really bad about yesterday." Tom diplomatically says that he and Lynette don't mean to come down hard on the young couple, but they don't want a couple of unmarried kids screwing around in their house. Nice to see that Tom's trying to take the reigns here and not let Lynette be the only bad guy. Irina says that she and Preston understand and Preston announces that he and Irina have decided to move into an apartment together.

There is no reaction shot from Lynette, but Tom is instantly horrified. "What?" he demands. Finally they show Lynette: she turns and gawks, open-mouthed, but doesn't respond. "No," says Tom firmly, making me oh-so-happy. "No. No. No." Preston points out that he and Irina are getting married in six months anyway and asks why not. "Why not?" blusters Tom. "Lynette? You wanna take this one?" Ah, Tom, I'm very glad you tried, at least.

Over by the sink, Lynette stuns Tom by saying she thinks it's a terrific idea. Tom makes this hilarious, "Oh God, what is she up to now?" face. "They're not kids anymore," Lynette goes on. "They're old enough to make this decision." I don't know how Preston doesn't recognize her plotting voice by now. Irina thanks Lynette and she and Preston skip out of the room.

"What are you doing?" asks Tom, somehow not recognizing Lynette's plotting voice any better than Preston did. "We were supposed to pull them apart, not push them together." I assume Lynette told Tom about the ring incident and that's why he's so against this marriage now. Lynette asks Tom if he remembers the apartment they moved into while they were saving for their house. "That dump? Yeah. It was the size of a closet," says Tom, standing up. Excuse me while I drift off and imagine all of the fanfic possibilities for a moment. Ah. There we go. Thank you. Lynette picks up Kids (hehehe...still funny) and asks Tom if he remembers how they treated one another while they lived there. Tom's memories include a lot of yelling and throwing things and he admits that there were a couple of times he thought they'd...

"Break up?" Lynette finishes his thought. She smirks and Tom finally gets it. "Lynette," he says breathlessly, "you are devious and evil and I have never been more in love with you!" She grins as he pulls her in for a kiss and they chuckle maniacally. Have I mentioned how much I love the Scavos?

A car door slams; it's Gaby and she's furious. "Susan Delfino you are so busted!" she screams. Susan stands across the street selling scads of chocolate bars to a group of people, and she looks a little guilty to be caught. "Gaby, what are you doing here?" she asks. Apparently Gaby found out from someone else what Susan was up to and she came to confront Susan; "I don't know what you're talking about," Susan says shiftily. The shot pulls back and reveals MJ in a wheelchair. Wow. That's low and hilarious and awful all at once. Remember when Lynette pretended Parker had cancer to get into a yoga class? This is on the same level.

Susan shoos the crowd away so she can deal with Gaby, who can't believe Susan would sink so low. She's less confident once Susan informs her she saw her slutting around to sell candy. "Oh. You saw that," says Gaby. The girls rehash their fight from earlier about which of their kids needs this more and that gets them no where. Finally Gaby storms off and leaves Susan to shout to the street that she's selling candy to help a young boy walk again. So horrible. On both their parts.

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Katherine primly walks toward her front door, brushing off Mrs. McCluskey, who stands outside watering her front lawn. When Karen asks her how she is she says that she's humiliated and doesn't stop to elaborate until Karen says, "Oh come on, it wasn't that bad!" Then Katherine turns around and growls, "My sex life was laid bare for the entire neighborhood. What could be worse?" Oh, shut up, Katherine. "Let's see," says Karen. "You could have had a party to celebrate getting over cancer and had a couple of lesbians steal your thunder." Zing! Katherine makes a lame apology and goes on and on about how embarrassed she is. Neither Karen nor I gives a rat's ass. I think the failing of this scene is that not only was there no follow-up reaction after the party revelation, but not one of the characters has spoken of it since. In other words, it comes off that Katherine is merely paranoid about being judged and it only makes me annoyed with her. Karen tells Katherine that if she really likes Robin then what happened shouldn't matter. She sums it up to two choices: dump the girl or leave the lane. Yay Karen! Katherine thanks Mrs. McCluskey and gives her a hug. "Break it up. This is how rumors get started," teases Karen.

Irina is making dinner for the Scavos, but judging by the table setting, that doesn't include any of the other Ps. Well I hope someone fed them. Tom and Lynette ask how the apartment hunting is going and you can tell that they're mentally high fiving each other. Pride goeth before the fall, as they say, because Preston joyfully announces that they've found a three bedroom apartment. "How are you going to afford a three bedroom apartment while you're going to college?" asks Lynette, concerned but not yet horrified. Preston announces that he's putting off college and getting a job; Lynette's eyebrows practically raise into her hairline. "Say...something!" she demands of Tom.

Tom fumbles for something relevant to say and finally asks Preston if he's thought this through; he points out that Preston needs to go to college to get a good job. Preston says he already found a good job as a gutter at the meat packing plant. Something about the way he says this and that stupid mustache makes me laugh. Lynette rises to her feet; "A gutter?" she asks, horrified. Preston starts to explain and Lynette waves him off; she knows what a gutter is. "Well did you know I get paid fourteen bucks an hour? Plus benefits?" he asks. Without thinking, Tom expresses how impressed he is by this, even adding that Preston will probably get free steaks. "Your son," says Lynette, "just announced that he's giving up college so he can be the guy in charge of guts and all you can say is 'Oh boy, free meat!'?" I read some criticism about how horrified and condescending Lynette is about this job, but my mother would skin me alive too if I announced I was giving up teaching to further pursue my job in retail. She still often refers to the time when I'll have a "real" job as if the two I have now don't count. So I can understand where Lynette is coming from, even if it may be uncouth.

Irina doesn't understand what the problem is; Tom sighs and Lynette physically ramps up into crazy mode. "Maybe in Russia," she says, and on the word Russia Tom's face literally contorts in pain and horror, "it's every mother's dream for her son to see what the inside of a cow looks like, but not in my home!" Tom reaches for the hand Lynette is resting on his shoulder and tries to calm her down before she goes too far, but it's too late. "You could be a doctor! You could be a lawyer! Why are you so intent on throwing your life away?" Oh Lynette. This stress can't be good for the baby. Will no one think of the children?! Preston tries to interject, but Irina interrupts to say that men support the women they love. "He's not in love!" yells Lynette. "He's blinded by a piece of self-serving Euro-trash that would sell her own mother for a pair of designer jeans." Holy hell I do love Lynette. She hasn't gotten this crazy in a long while. She'll regret it later, I'm sure. The twins certainly come by their impulsive, rash behavior naturally, though, don't they? Furious, Irina throws the borscht she made for dinner right in Lynette's face. Wow. I don't care what Lynette said, Irina just threw something that should have been scalding hot at a pregnant woman. She'd be out of my house so fast... Irina storms off and Tom heaves a huge sigh, probably grateful that someone wasn't killed.

Nick closes his trunk and pulls a beer out of his one recyclable grocery bag as he stares at Danny working in the garage. He offers the beer to his underage son and asks what's up with the bike Danny's fixing up. It turns out that Eddie got him a couple of shifts at the coffee shop and Danny needs wheels to get to work. Eddie works at the coffee shop? Maybe he's the forgotten strangler. Nick and Danny toast to Danny's first job and then Nick gives a reflective little speech about how fast kids grow up. "What's wrong?" asks Danny; I'm guessing nostalgia is unusual for Nick. Danny makes an offhand comment about how Nick's his dad and Nick tears up. In that moment it's clear he decides to keep the truth from his son. How sweet. How little I care. He congratulates Danny and leaves him to his bike repairs.

In New York, Patrick finally arrives at the nosy neighbor's and I do a little happy dance. Maybe now this story will actually get interesting! Patrick presents nosy neighbor with a bouquet of roses; minutes later the roses are in a vase and the pair has sat down to tea. Patrick hands nosy neighbor her money and she greedily counts it. Suddenly she's struck by a moment of guilt and she cautiously asks Patrick if there's going to be any trouble when he finds Angie. "You're not gonna like hurt her or anything?" she asks. Patrick says that Angie took something of his and he wants it back. Is he going to kidnap an eighteen-year-old?

Patrick clearly doesn't like nosy neighbor's newly found conscience, and he casually remarks that the neighborhood seems unsafe. Not understanding that the scene has taken an ominous turn, nosy neighbor points out all of the locks on her door. Patrick opens a window, wraps his scarf around his hand and punches in the glass of the other window. Nosy neighbor still doesn't get what's going on and so she ignores me when I tell her to run. Patrick wraps the scarf tautly between his hands and approaches nosy neighbor, clearly intending to kill her. Now he's strangling people. What a world, what a world.

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Lynette scrubs borscht from one of the kitchen chairs when Irina approaches her. It's certainly the next day, which begs the question: why the hell didn't either Tom or Preston clean up the kitchen the night before? Did they really save that task for a woman in her third trimester? Maybe they just didn't clean up to Lynette's standard. I hope. Irina sits down in another chair and apologizes to Lynette for throwing the borscht on her; she says that she wants them to be friends. Lynette looks up wide-eyed and sarcastically says, "Really?" "Think of how hard it is for Preston," says Irina, "caught in the middle between our fighting when he wants us to love each other only." At this, Lynette actually looks reflective, as if she can actually see a point in Irina's words. Too bad you can never trust a skank.

"I don't want to put Preston in the middle, but I am his mother and I will fight for his best interests 'til the day I die," says Lynette as she rises to her feet. "You mean you will fight me," corrects Irina. Lynette gives her a look that clearly reads, "no shit, Sherlock." Now Irina drops her bombshell: she convinced Preston to move the wedding up to next week. She says that it's too hard for Preston to choose between his mom and his girlfriend, so if she becomes his wife the choice will become much simpler. "No. No you can't do this," says Lynette, finally letting her desperation show. "You met each other six weeks ago, Preston barely knows you!" "But you do, yes?" says Irina, and I hate to admit she has a point. "You think you know all about me and in much less time than that." She kisses Lynette on both cheeks; Lynette looks completely confounded. "There," declares Irina, "from one Mrs. Scavo to another." Has Lynette finally been bested?

Bree sets a pile of yearbooks on her coffee table. The top one is emblazoned with the words "Mount Pleasant '80," which actually, shockingly, coincides with when Rex would have logically graduated from high school. Congratulations, DH Time Gods, for actually getting something right. Bree, of course, has dug these out for Sam to see. We learn some more random facts about Rex (he played football and was student body president) and then Bree gets reflective about all of Rex's great qualities (including that he was graceful. She leaves how how calm and wonderful his voice was). Apparently she's finally forgiven Rex for thinking she killed him. Sam notices that Bree's getting weepy and asks what wrong. "I just never get to talk about Rex any more," admits Bree. "Since I remarried it just doesn't seem appropriate." I would think that Orson would understand her talking about Rex for her kids' sakes at least. "I hadn't realized how much I miss him," says Bree. Sam says Bree can talk to him about Rex any time she wants to; "You have his smile," whispers Bree. I sincerely hope that's not true. Maybe he'll turn out to be Rex's long lost brother or something, although that's probably even more twisted.

It turns out that Orson has been eavesdropping on this entire scene and a moment later he wheels into the backyard where Andrew is sulking. Andrew tells Orson that he feels badly about the way he behaved at dinner. "Look, I know he's my brother. I know I should try to like him. But there's something about him I just don't trust," says Andrew astutely. Turns out, Orson feels similarly. "He's trying awfully hard to get close to Bree," Orson points out. "I, for one, would like to know why." Andrew: "You think he has an agenda?" Orson says that everyone does, but they don't know anything about Sam except what he tells them. Andrew decides then that his agenda should be to find out whatever he can about Sam. Orson wholeheartedly approves.

At school, Susan accosts MJ's poor teacher to ask how MJ is doing. She starts to talk about how MJ needs to improve in math, but Susan only cares about the results of the candy contest. It turns out that MJ has blown everyone away (Susan does a little victory dance), except for Juanita, who has sold two bars more than he. Susan can't live with this, so when she goes back to her classroom and hears from Juanita that Gaby is picking her up early to sell more chocolate, she goes into full crazy Susan mode. Distracting Juanita, Susan picks up her cell phone and slips it into Juanita's bag. Then she calls the phone and chastises Juanita for having a cell phone at school. Juanita denies that it's hers and when Susan asks whose else it would be, Juanita sasses, "Yours. My mom gave it to you for your birthday." HA! Outwitted by a seven-year-old! "So are you saying that you stole it?" asks Susan. "No!" shouts Juanita. And because she shouts, Susan assigns her three hours of detention. And now Susan has officially taken this too far.

Back on the lane, Gaby is just leaving her house when she gets a call from the principal about Juanita's detention. Upon learning that it came from Susan, Gaby shifts into revenge mode. Down the street she spots MJ making his way out of his house with a lot of chocolate. Why is MJ already home from school when Gaby is just leaving to get Juanita and she was supposed to be picked up early? Is Gaby just that bad about being on time?

Minutes later, Gaby slowly pulls up in her car alongside MJ. She entices him to get in the car with the promise of a drink and MJ foolishly agrees. He dumps all of his candy through the open passenger's side window and hops into the back seat. So...ridiculously...cute. Gaby locks the doors and MJ grows suspicious.

Back at school, Susan has Juanita washing her tables as part of her detention. She clearly feels a little bit bad about what she's done, but before she can, presumably, correct the mistake, Gaby calls. She tells Susan she has something that belongs to her and makes Susan check her cell phone; she's sent a picture of MJ in the back seat. Susan gasps, "He's supposed to be out selling!" Man, Susan...he's seven...why do you have him out selling candy alone? Gaby and Susan agree to trade back their children at the school.

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Juanita and Susan are both sitting at a table now. Susan looks defeated while Juanita looks positively heartbroken. "Your mom will be here soon," Susan says insensitively. "Don't worry. You'll be out selling your candy in no time." "I hope so," says Juanita glumly. "I gotta win." This is the final straw for Susan, who firmly tells Juanita that other kids need to win sometimes too. "I know," says Juanita. "I just want my mom to be proud of me." Finally, Susan realizes the little girl in front of her has a big problem, and she says consolingly, "Your mom is proud of you." Juanita bows her head and explains, "Sometimes I think she's embarrassed because I don't have any friends. Every day I come home and she asks, 'Did you make any friends today?'" Okay, I may have teared up a little. But seriously, that little girl has had a pretty crappy year and Gaby will not be winning mother of the year anytime soon.

"Oh, she just wants to make sure that you're happy, sweetie. That's all," says Susan. "I guess," agrees Juanita. "I just wish I made friends as easy as she does. I try and I try, but I just can't." Aw, honey, someone needs to tell you the story about how your mom became friends with the neighborhood girls. Just then Gaby arrives. She's still angry about the situation and she snaps at Susan and barks at Juanita to come on. Alone with MJ, Susan says, "I know you want to win, but let's talk about what winning really means." So in the end, Susan ends up doing something noble for once. Congrats, Susan.

Robin comes into her bedroom and finds her suitcases packed. Katherine stands by the window and hesitantly launches into a speech about how she can't live with the neighbors constantly watching and judging her. Katherine, I hate to break it to you, but no one gives a rat's ass about you. Have you seen the other problems these girls are having? "So you want me to leave?" realizes Robin. Yep, but it turns out that Katherine wants to go with her. I may have done a joyful dance when she said that. This may be an unpopular opinion, but I am as tired of Katherine as I was of Edie. Sometimes these secondary characters outlive their usefulness and if I'm truthful, my loyalty lies with the four main girls. They are the ones I care about. So Katherine and Robin run away to Paris together, hopefully, to never be seen again.

Back at school, the teacher announces that Juanita won the candy drive. Juanita is thrilled and everyone applauds. Gaby is there to celebrate and she instantly encourages Juanita to go invite her brand new friends to her party. Then she goes up to the teacher to ask how close the contest was. It's then that Gaby realizes that MJ didn't even try to sell on the final day of the contest. She goes over to MJ and tells him she's sorry he didn't win. "That's okay!" says MJ cheerfully. Gaby asks why he didn't sell any candy on the last day and MJ says his mom told him to keep it a secret, since it's only a good deed if he doesn't tell. Gaby looks over at Susan, who is chatting with some other adults in the hallway, and finally realizes what a good friend Susan is. I mean, seriously, Gaby would have NEVER done this for MJ. "Well you should listen to your mother," she says. "Because she's a winner. Just like you."

"There are a lot of ways to win in this world," Mary Alice says. Katherine and Robin pack up the car and we're told, "Some battles are won with a hasty retreat." Over in Bree's office, Andrew pulls out Sam's file and starts to leaf through it. "Some victories are claimed by those willing to cheat." How is Andrew cheating? And why would he start there? Anything in that file is something Bree has already been told by Sam. Whatever. Preston and Irina snuggle on the couch and Lynette offers them some cookies while Mary Alice says, "Some opponents are defeated with nothing more than a smile." Does that mean Lynette is done fighting? Just like that? I can't believe it. "Of course," Mary Alice continues, "for some it's not enough to win." Patrick lurks in a parked car, watching Danny cross the street. "Someone else has got to lose." Not your best narration, Mary Alice. Not even by a long shot.

That was a great episode. I'd rate it as a solid A this week and I'm so glad since this one has to last a month. Most of the plots finally felt like they were moving forward, there were a lot of funny lines and scenes, and some really touching moments. For the first time in a long time, I cared about the plots of all four main characters. I hope the rest of the season is as solid as this episode was. And I dearly hope that Lynette pops out this baby before she's been pregnant for a year.

DH "Chromolume #7" Thoughts

I probably won't have time to do a full recap this week, but this episode generated a lot of mixed feelings for me so I thought I'd write down a general review.

"Chromolume #7"

Susan and Mike

For the second week in a row, I feel like Susan and Mike were the tacked on plotline. It's almost as if the writers have nothing for them to do when they're not directly involved in the mystery story. Overall I liked this week better than last week though, even if Mike was acting like a douche. It was still better than having to see Susan act like an idiot.

I didn't mind the overall premise that Mike felt castrated by Susan paying off his loan. I was fine with him having his "manlihood" (as my sis kept calling it) brought into question. And I laughed when Susan said he was a good transition for Katherine. The only thing that bothered me was at the end when Susan agreed to cancel payment on the loan. I wanted her to stand up for herself because she was totally in the right to pay off that loan. They're married now. As I keep telling my co-worker who believes her debt is not her husband's: once you're married it's shared debt! Susan should have told Mike that she understood how he felt, but that they would be better off financially getting that paid off. She could console him by reminding him that he's still the primary breadwinner in the family.

That being said, I loved the kitchen make-out scene. That cracked me up. It was surprisingly the funniest moment of the episode.

Preston's homecoming

I felt like this was mostly a set-up for this story. I got a few chuckles out of these scenes tonight but no big laughs. It was very standard Lynette and Tom and I still love how well they know each other. That silent communication rocks.

I kind of wish that they'd taken a different direction with this plot. Preston could have come home already married with no place to live, no job, no education, etc. and caused a lot of problems. Or if they wanted to take the engagement route it could have been interesting if for once Lynette was the trusting one and the rest of the family thought something was up. And I say that as someone who is truly looking forward to Lynette kicking this girl's ass in the future.

One nitpick: Lynette had a grandmother that was alive long enough to decide to will Preston her ring? But she was never on previously or mentioned before? I kind of wish they had made it her aunt's since we know that 1) Lynette was close enough to her to want to name her daughter after her and 2) it was previously mentioned that her mom used to ditch her and her sisters there when she was off drinking and sleeping around. At least it would have been in context. Or they even could have made it Tom's grandmother's; even that would have been more plausible in light of the family history.


New York girls

I thought this plot was the worst of the night. I'll start with Gaby. As much as I love Heidi Klum, her appearance and Paulina Porizkova's felt completely trite and pointless. I wonder how much of the budget they wasted on their two minutes of on-screen time. And just for Gaby to learn a lesson she already learned in season three. It was dull.

As far as Angie goes, I am completely over her. She's boring. Everything we learned tonight was stuff that was already deduced. Even my sister, who lives under a rock and NEVER knows what's going to happen, rolled her eyes at the obvious revelation that Patrick is Danny's father. I'll say it before and I'll say it again: I hope all of the Bolens die at the end of this season.

Bree, Sam and Andrew

I'll say right off the bat that I adored drunk Andrew. I loved that he shoved Sam. That whole scene was awesome.

Surprisingly, I had no clue about Sam's paternity. That was the biggest shock this show has given me in a long while and I forgot how fun it is to be surprised. Maybe I'll stay off of the spoilers even after Lent is over.

As much as I love a surprise like that, though, I'm not sure that I feel great about this one. Mostly because they rewrote Rex and Bree's history to fit around it and I don't like that. It was stated several times in the early seasons that Bree and Rex were college sweethearts. They probably got married soon afterward. Not to mention that Andrew should be in his late 20s by now (nearly close to 30 if you consider that he was 16 when the Scavo twins were 6). Whatever; I should know by now not to fight the DH Time Gods.

Besides that, this is a complete retread of the Kayla storyline of season three. A one night stand again? Really, show? And I'm sure Sam will still turn out to be a complete psycho, just like Kayla. The only thing that has better potential is that I'm sure there will be a lot more sibling drama. And maybe I'll get an awesome Bree-Lynette convo out of it. Probably not. But I can dream.

I guess what it comes down to is that as much as DH is a soap, this feels much, much, much too soap opera-esque for me. And not even good soap that I could suspend my disbelief for, but rather bad soap. Part of me is kind of hoping that Sam just photoshopped his picture with Rex's somehow and is pulling the wool over Bree's eyes.

Overall

I think I'd give this episode a C. It was one of the weakest of the season and I'm not eager to rewatch any of it. It left me feeling really melancholy and I have to keep reminding myself that overall this season has had some stellar moments and episodes. Here's hoping the end of the season gets back on track.